All language subtitles for Dog.With.A.Blog.S02E24_English

What a crazy day.

Ellen spent the entire afternoon

trying to get over her fear of cartwheels.

Okay. Here I go.

I can't, I can't.

Rocked myself seasick.
I'm gonna need a minute.

I'm gonna die! But not today.

It went on all day,

and I couldn't take my eyes off it.

I missed all my naps. I'm exhausted.

Stan, do you write a blog?

Uh...

( theme music playing )

Uh...

-Stan, you're writing a blog.
-No, no, I'm not.

It's-- It's-- It's notes for a screenplay.

Oh, really? Then what's
this screenplay about?

A dog who writes a blog. ( exclaims )

I mean, a dog who has magical adventures

while saving the world from demons

whose spore was planted
beneath the earth's crust eons ago.

And then writes a blog about it. Ay!

I would so see that movie.

I mean, Stan, you write a blog?

TYLER: He's been writing about everything

that's happened in our family
for the last two years.

Okay. Yes. I started blogging hoping to
reach other talking animals,

but there don't seem to be any.

But a few people read it,

and think I'm a person
pretending to be a dog.

Assuming those readers are people.

The guy whose screen name
is Charlie the Bandit

sounds awfully raccoony.

Stan, you've written about

some really embarrassing things here.

The time I made a fool of myself over Wes.

The time I made a fool
of myself over Nikki.

The other time I made
a fool of myself over Wes.

The other time I made
a fool of myself over Nikki.

The other, other time I made a fool--

Wow, it is a miracle
either of us ever dated.

I think it's cool
how you wrote about the time

I said, "I'm a mountain man."

Or the time I said, "I'm Mrs. Grimmens."

Or the time I said, "Eat your soup!"

I never realized I spoke
so many different languages.

Stan, I don't want you
writing about us anymore.

I was afraid of this.
It's why I kept it a secret.

You can write about me.
I'll do something else adorable.

I wuv pa-sghetti.

Come on! If I were anymore adorable,

I'd fart a rainbow
and fly out of the room.

That wouldn't be adorable.
That'd be magical.

Either way, you'd be blogging about it.

I'm serious, Stan. No more blogging.

What if someone I know found this?
People think I'm cool.

I could live with it if they
stop thinking that, but could they?

In these crazy times we live in,

don't they deserve
something to believe in?

Not to mention
all the embarrassing stories

in here about Mom and Dad.

BENNETT: Ellen, it's harvest time.

Like the fact that
Mom shaves Dad's back hair.

Guys, this blog means everything to me.

It's the one thing I have

where I can really express myself

to the outside world and be who I am.

Please, don't ask me to give that up.

Well, as long as no one thinks

you're a talking dog,

I guess I'm okay with it.
What do you say, Tyler?

Well, I guess I do care more about Stan

than about the people whose lives

will be shattered
when they see I have flaws.

Yes, Tyler. It's the end of Camelot.

The fact that I don't get that
is not one of my flaws.

The fact that you said it is one of yours.

Put that in, Stan.

I'll tell you what he should
put in his next blog.

Does anyone see a rainbow behind me?

Well, my book is done.

Got it right here on this flash drive.

Oh, the book on blended families
that you didn't want my help with.

Pardon me for not doing cartwheels,

which I can do, by the way,
not the least bit afraid.

Aah! I have nothing to prove here.

Actually I have a little surprise, Ellen.

I did use many of your suggestions,

especially the jokes,
and I am going to give you

a credit on the book cover.

"Additional material by Ellen Jennings."

Bennett, you used my jokes?

Additional material by--

I'm actually getting an AMB credit.

-That's what they call it, right?
-Nobody ever calls it that.

They'll start to. It's funny.

I'm not sure what's funny about it.

Oh, please. Who's the professional
comedy writer here?

So when will that book get published?

Will there be a party? What should I wear?

Something that says authoress
or something that says comedienne?

Maybe funny pants and a serious top.

Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

My editor Barry has to like it first.

You understand
he's kind of like my boss, right?

Our boss, Bennett. We're a team now.

You need me. There aren't a lot of
additional material artists out there.

That's what they call us.

No, they-- Never mind.

I gotta tell you, honey,

I am not looking forward to his feedback.

I really should get a different editor.

He can be pretty annoying,

and not just his nitpicky notes.

When we go out for lunch,
he gets so excited,

he spits when he eats.

Bennett, I can't wait
to talk about your book--

And this is just crackers.

In our last lunch, he was mouth-firing
chicken cacciatore at me.

Does Barry throw his dirty socks
on the floor, too?

'Cause that would make him
the total package.

What happened here?

Someone's clothes are on backwards.

That Chloe, what will she do next?

That should get me into
Stan's blog, right?

I don't know about Stan's blog,

-but it could get you into mine.
-You have a blog?

Stan inspired me.
So today I started a blog.

Here's my first post.

"Today I started a blog."

I'm keeping it real. I think my audience
will like that.

Yeah.

Tyler, I read your blog.

I love how you're keeping it real.

Tyler, everybody at school
loves your blog.

I don't get it.

All you wrote is,
"Today I started a blog."

-And, "Hey."
-Hey.

Well, when you say it that way,
I can see the appeal.

Guys, I'm glad you're all here.

I heard your dad talking about his book

and it got me thinking.

I could publish my blog as a book.

How amazing would that be?

I put it on this flash drive
to send to your dad's editor.

Stan, you can't publish
your blog as a book.

Not before you write about
the backwards-dressing girl.

Zipper in the back, snacks in the hood.

No. No books about you as a talking dog.

We need to keep that secret, remember?

We could just say that you wrote it.

The people reading it online
think it was written by a person.

Sure. That may fool most people,
but what about Mom and Dad?

If they read this, they'll see that
there's things on there

only you could know.

Yeah, like when they
talk to you on Halloween,

or when Mom spent all day
trying to do cartwheels,

you were the only one there.

And a hundred other things
that seemed weird at the time

that they'll piece together,

and realize that you really talk.

And that you think
your stuffed monkey talks,

which is a whole other level of weird.

You'll think it's less weird
when he gives you

your favorite muffin.

It's a banana nut from a banana nut.

( laughing )

I told you that wasn't funny, Robert.

The point is it's too risky

for your blog to become a book.

Wow, I guess I didn't think it through.

Good thing I didn't send this in.

Let's delete it before
anything bad happens.

Are you gonna eat that muffin?

The one the dog gave
to the stuffed monkey?

No, I don't think that's going anywhere

near my mouth.

I'll just hood it for later.

This is Dad's book.

Stan, you said you put your blog on here.

This is Dad's flash drive.

-Well, that's weird.
-Good news, kids.

My editor read my new book and loved it.

I'm gonna talk to him
all about it tomorrow,

but he said it was an innovative

and different approach

to writing about family dynamics.

So thank you, kids.

If we were just a little more normal,

this would not have been possible.

This is terrible.

If we have Dad's flash drive,

that must mean he sent
Stan's flash drive by mistake.

The editor didn't read Dad's book,

he read Stan's blog.

And found it innovative and different,

which is really gratifying,
but I can't sound excited

because you guys are upset.

Stan, when Dad talks
to his editor tomorrow,

he's going to find out about your blog.

Mom and Dad are gonna find out
your secrets. What are we gonna do?

This may not work, but I'm hoping

if you wear your clothes backwards
and run real fast,

you can turn back time.

I found yesterday's newspaper.

It worked.

What are we gonna do?

We have to keep Dad's editor

from talking to Dad about Stan's blog

or Mom and Dad
will find out Stan's secret.

Tyler, are you hooding snacks, too?

Well, hoods aren't just for heads anymore.

Get with the times, Avery.

Wait. I have an idea for how to keep Dad

from seeing the blog
he sent to his editor.

No, it would ruin things
between Dad and his editor,

and we can't do that.

I did hear your dad say
the guy is nitpicky

and annoying and he wants
a different editor.

Then maybe we can do this.

Stan, do you know what an agent is?

You mean someone who finds jobs

for writers in exchange
for a percentage of the money

the writer earns from said writing,

or the active ingredient
in a cleaning solution?

-The first one.
-Then no, no, I don't know what it is.

Hello, is this Barry Barns,
the book editor?

Yes. Who is this? And how did you
get my direct line?

Did my assistant--

Marcus, pull your personnel file,

and put another frowny face sticker on it!

I'm Bennett James' agent Stan.

Stan Agent-guy.

Well, that's the most made-up sounding
last name I've ever heard.

Then you haven't met my cousin,

Craig Made-up-last-name.

It used to be Made-up-last-nameowitz,

but he shortened it
when he got into showbiz.

The thing is, Bennett doesn't
want to work with you anymore.

So don't talk to him
about the book ever again.

But you can talk to me.

What made it so innovative and different?

-Stan.
-Focus.

-What was that?
-Uh, two people I hired

to stand in my office
and remind me to focus.

Marcus, get me two people to stand
in my office and remind me to focus!

I'm just gonna talk to Bennett directly.

I didn't even know he had an agent.

How do I even know you are his agent?

You could just be some crazy guy.

Please. If I were a crazy guy,
my name would be Stan...

( blabbering )

-Stan!
-Focus.

Wow. Those guys are good.

If I'm not Bennett's agent,
then how do I know

you had chicken cacciatore
at your last lunch with him?

And that you spit it all over his shirt.

He told me how gross
and disgusting you are.

He wants nothing to do with you.

He said that?

Oh, that's insulting and hurtful,

and makes me think of my own behavior

in ways I would prefer not to.

You can tell-- You can tell Bennett

our relationship is over, as is this call.

I'm late for an important eye appointment.

Really? Which is your important eye,
the left or the right?

( laughs ) Never call me again.

Way to go, Stan. You did it.

You are a wizard with prank phone calls.

Oh, call me next Halloween
as Count Dracula.

I'll have forgotten about this by then.

Hey, Chloe. Wait, what's that
in Suzie's mouth?

-Suzie's pacifier.
-No, it's not. It's a flash drive.

Yes. And Suzie is not a real baby.

It's called imagination.

Wait.

Stan, this is the flash drive
with your blog on it.

Dad didn't give it to his editor,

which means we got Dad fired for nothing.

Well, we got two people
hired to remind Barry

to focus, so it's still
a net gain for the economy.

But if we have the flash drive
with Stan's blog on it,

and the one with Dad's book,

then what did the editor read?

So, Dad, hypothetical question.

If a person were to send an editor,

let's say, a book,

how would he or she do that?

It's all by email now. Why are you asking?

I'm always asking questions.

How else would I have learned

that this part of the turkey
is called the snood.

So a person would never send
an editor a flash drive?

No, of course not.

Why would I send a flash drive
to someone for no reason?

Those things are like ten bucks.

-( phone ringing )
-Ah, it's my editor.

Probably thought of
some more praise to heap on me.

Barry, hi. How is it go--

I can't believe you said
all those hurtful things about me.

You're through, you hear me?
You're through!

I'm never publishing
another book of yours ever again.

You can forget it.
Our relationship is over!

Turns out, it wasn't praise.

Barry is not publishing the book.

But based on my AMB credit,

I already booked a gig as a humorist

for the ladies auxiliary of Whittier,

so I could make a joke
about being wittier...

which would not have worked

if I booked myself at Pico Rivera.

Honey, I do not have an editor now.
This is terrible.

But I thought you didn't like your editor.

I thought you wanted
to find a different editor.

I was just blowing off steam.

Oh, yeah, Barry is annoying,

but he sells my books and I don't know
who else to go to.

It took me five years just to get him.

And when did you hear me say
I wanted a different editor?

When?

It's not like I check the clock every time
I learn new information.

I'm inquisitive, not compulsive.

What are we gonna do, Bennett?

We get most of our money from your books.

Listen, kids, you don't
need to worry about money.

I'm sure everything will be okay.

I'll do that gig in Pico Rivera.

What's funny about Pico Rivera?

Pico, pico, pico...

Oh, Pico-boo. Okay, I'm in.

So your mom is going to be a comedienne.

Solid, solid back-up plan.

Guys, if we get most of our money

from Dad's books, what are we gonna do?

Avery, it's gonna be okay, isn't it?

I don't know, Stan.

This family could be in big trouble.

What did we do?

This will be my last blog.

In order to save Bennett's career,

and this family that I love so much,

I'm gonna go tell his editor

the truth about what happened
and give up the secret...

that I am a talking dog.

Guys, you better see Stan's latest blog.

( gasps ) Stan is going
to see Dad's editor

to tell the truth about everything.

He's gonna reveal his secret

to save Dad's career and the family.

He'll be taken away and experimented on.

We have to stop him from doing this.

We'd be better off
if the editor had read Stan's blog.

Maybe he wouldn't have
even been interested

in the time you stole a pig
or Chloe's tea parties,

or when everyone applauded my haircut.

Okay, he would have loved that last one.

It had suspense, drama
and a charismatic leading man.

Wait.

He wrote about my tea parties?

Those are super secret.

That's what makes them special.

I'm never gonna pet Stan again.

Of course, you will, Chloe,

because you love him.

And you're a petter, you have to pet.

No, I don't.

You're petting Tyler right now.

It feels good.

Those little fingers are strong,

and they really get in there.

We don't have time for this right now.

We have to get to Barry's office
before Stan does anything.

Those fingers really do get in there.

So here's the thing, Barry.

When I called you on the phone before

and said all those things about

Bennett not wanting you
to publish the book,

that wasn't the truth.

The truth is... I'm a dog.

All agents are dogs, and don't think

you can intimidate me just because I had
an eyelid rejuvenation.

It is the manliest of all
elective cosmetic eye procedures.

No, you don't understand.

When I said I was a dog, I mean--

Stan, you can't do--

Now who's here? More people in my office?

That's right. People, just people,

two-legged creatures
with opposable thumbs,

able to use hammers and drive cars,

sometimes with all the mirrors
pointing at themselves.

I don't care if you have hammers.

I am not validating your parking.

Joke's on you
'cause I already lost my ticket.

Wait, here it is. Dang it!

Stan, don't do this.

I have to.

I have to save Bennett's career.

Barry, I'm really a dog.

( barking )

We're all dogs.

( imitating dogs )

Marcus!

Marcus, are you back yet?

There are loons with hammers
barking in my office.

I don't know what this means.

Stan, you can't do this.

We'll save Dad's career another way

and everything will be okay.

Everything except

my super-secret tea party secret
not being super-secret.

I'm mad at you, Stan.

I'm not gonna pet you anymore.

Chloe, this isn't the time for this.

Avery, just let her make her point.

Okay, Avery, try it your way.

But if it doesn't work,
I'll go full dog on him.

I'll jump in his lap
and burp kibble in his face.

I'm holding one in the top
of my throat right now.

( burps )

I'll come up with something else.

What are you whispering about?

You better not be messing with me.

I warn you, I train at a boxing
gym every day,

jumping rope.

You don't want none of this.

It's okay, Mr. Barns, we're just here

because you have to publish
our dad's book.

And you think bursting
into my office like this

and telling me to publish your dad's book

is gonna make me publish it?

You got 60 seconds, dazzle me.

-Well, our dad is Bennett James.
-Time's up.

You should have heard
the horribly insulting things

this crazy agent had to say to me.

I am never--

I am never working
with Bennett James again.

Okay. We tried it your way.

Now I'm gonna put my snout in his face.

When he feels it,
he'll know I'm either a dog

or a hairy person with no boundaries.

Barry, this may shock you.

Wait, don't do this.

You're family, we can't lose you.

You kids think of me as family?

I had no idea. That's really sweet.

I thought you were mad at me
because of what I did.

You were just repeating it.
I was really mad at Bennett.

You can be mad at someone,
but if you care about them,

you forgive them.

I do care about Bennett.

He is the only one of my writers

who still goes to lunch with me.

You have the kindest,
most tender soul of anyone

I have ever encountered.

That's true.

I put myself out there.

It's why I'm so easily hurt.

So everything is okay?

You're not gonna do
anything crazy here, right?

Yeah, cutting things off
with my favorite writer

would be crazy.

I'm gonna publish Bennett's book.

What?

Marcus, are you back?

Did you get the stuff I wanted?

I can walk there myself.

I can do this. Nobody help me.

I have to do this,

'cause I'm gonna have to live like this

for the rest of my afternoon

when I can take these bandages off.

He's gonna publish the book
and my secret is safe?

How did this happen?

I don't know.

And he's in such a good mood,
maybe he'll validate.

Oh, I lost my ticket again. Dang it.

Oh, here it is.

I'm so glad you forgave me,

and that we're still doing
our super-secret tea parties.

Yeah. But now that the secret's out,

it's impossible to keep out the riff-raff.

I'm never gonna miss
one of these ever again.

So now that the kids know about my blog,

things are gonna be different around here,

but in the ways that count,
they're back to normal.

You need a comma between
"count" and "they're."

You know, I've been thinking
about the name for your blog.

What about "See Stan blog
about Tyler's hair"?

Because I want you to be successful.

And since I am going to be eight soon,

maybe we should hold off
on publishing that rainbow farts thing.

Wait, was that? Yeah, hold off on it.

Well, mostly back to normal.

( music playing )

( boing )