Original subtitles

WOW.

( camera clicks )

HEY!

ARE YOU A GOOD WITCH OR A BAD WITCH?

I WANT YOU TO KNOW I HAVE BEATEN A MAN UNCONSCIOUS BEFORE.

SO... A BAD WITCH.

- WHO ARE YOU? GET OFF MY COUCH! - OKAY.

WHERE'D YOU COME FROM? GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.

- YES, MA'AM. - DID YOU STEAL?

DID YOU STEAL FROM A HELPLESS OLD WOMAN?

I DIDN'T. I'M SORRY. MICHELLE TOLD ME WHERE YOU KEPT YOUR KEY

AND THAT YOU WERE OUT OF TOWN, AND I JUST--

MICHELLE?

HUH?

MICHELLE TOLD YOU WHERE I KEPT MY KEY?

MICHELLE WHO?

YOU TOLD HIM WHERE I KEPT MY KEY?!

OH, YOU'RE KIDDING.

FANNY, YOU'RE BACK.

I'M GONE TWO WEEKS, I COME BACK

AND YOU'RE IN BED WITH A CHILD WHO WEARS FLIP-FLOPS

- IN PUBLIC. - HEY, FANNY.

- HELLO, GODOT. - I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COMING BACK TODAY.

HOW MANY MEN DO YOU HAVE STASHED AROUND HERE, HUH?

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO COME BACK NEXT WEEK.

- OH, IS THAT ME? - THERE'S A MAN IN MY LIVING ROOM,

- A MAN IN YOUR BED. - I WROTE IT DOWN.

WHOA.

IS THERE ONE IN THE GARAGE?

THREE IN THE POTTING SHED?

SEE? NEXT WEEK. THE 20th.

TODAY IS THE 20th.

CRAP. I MISSED MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT.

WHO WAS THE MAN IN MY HOUSE?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU TOLD HIM TO STAY THERE. YOU SHOWED HIM MY KEY.

- I DID? - I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS OUT OF TOWN.

- SCOTTY? - WHO'S SCOTTY?

- I'M SCOTTY. - SCOTTY'S MY BROTHER.

- EXCUSE ME. - I THOUGHT YOU LEFT.

I DID LEAVE, BUT I NEEDED A PLACE TO STAY FOR A FEW DAYS,

AND I DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU.

SO YOU BROKE INTO MY HOUSE LIKE ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.?

YOU CAN'T JUST COME IN AND OUT LIKE THIS.

- YOU SHOULD GET UP. - I'M KIND OF--

- I KNOW. I'M SORRY. - YOU HAVE TO CALL.

- I LOST MY PHONE. - WHO LOSES THEIR PHONE?

LOTS OF PEOPLE LOSE THEIR PHONES.

CAN SOMEONE HAND ME A TOWEL OR A THROW BLANKET?

MY HOUSE IS NOT A HOSTEL.

IT IS WHERE I LIVE AND SLEEP.

- I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS COMING. - A DISHCLOTH MAYBE?

- I THINK I LEFT IT IN MONTEREY. - THEN GO BACK AND GET IT.

- OH, I'M NOT GOING BACK TO MONTEREY. - WHY? WHAT'S HER NAME?

- WHOSE NAME? - A TEA KETTLE?

WHOEVER IT IS THAT CHASED HIM OUT OF MONTEREY.

- BAKING SHEET? - YOU ARE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS AGAIN.

- A SKILLET. - HOW ABOUT SOME PANTS?

BEFORE THE BAKING SHEET AND THE SKILLET,

HOW ABOUT WE FIND YOU YOUR PANTS?

PANTS WOULD WORK.

FIND HIS PANTS.

PANTS, PANTS, PANTS.

MAYBE I DON'T LIKE AQUARIUMS.

OR MONTEREY JACK CHEESE.

MAYBE CHEESE AND AQUARIUMS ARE WHY I WON'T GO BACK TO MONTEREY.

- DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT? - I DON'T SEE ANY PANTS.

LAST NIGHT, YOU SURE YOU HAD PANTS?

PRETTY SURE.

RETRACE YOUR STEPS. YOU STARTED THIS WHOLE THING WHERE?

CAR. WE STARTED IN THE CAR.

HOW CLASSY. COME ON.

OUT THERE.

OH, GOT A BELT!

SO, HOW'S OCEANOGRAPHY GOING?

( theme music playing )

HUH. WELL, IF SIZE COUNTS, THEN IT'S BIG.

WHAT DOES IT SAY?

WELCOME BACK, MADAME FANNY.

- OH. - I WAS TRYING FOR SURREALISM.

WERE YOU TRYING TO SPELL IT PROPERLY?

- 'CAUSE FANNY HAS TWO "N"s. - AND AN "F."

- AND AN "A." - IT'S ALL THERE. IT'S JUST SURREAL.

GINNY, DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY,

- BUT YOU STINK. - OH, I WON'T. THANKS.

I MEAN, YOU WORKED ON THIS FOR HOURS.

WHAT EXACTLY IS FRANKIE TEACHING YOU ANYHOW,

'CAUSE IT SURE AIN'T DRAWING.

AND WHAT'S ALL THAT AT THE BOTTOM THERE?

- PEARS. - PEARS?

I'M WORKING ON STILL LIFES.

I WAS PRACTICING PEARS.

IS SHE HERE YET?

- NOT YET. - GOOD.

I WANT TO SEE HER FACE WHEN SHE SEES YOU TIED FLOWERS

TO HER NEWLY SANDED BARRES.

HOW LOUD DO YOU THINK THAT'LL BE?

( sighs )

OOH, THAT'S A BIG BANNER.

WHO'S "TRANNY?"

AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY VAN GOGH CUT HIS EAR OFF.

- ARTISTS ARE SO TEMPERAMENTAL. - SO'S GINNY.

( gasps )

- ( applause ) - THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OH, HOW I'VE MISSED YOU ALL.

I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU DAILY

AS I CHANTED, AS I MEDITATED,

AS I DRANK THE SPIRITUAL TEA

THAT OPENED MY CONSCIOUSNESS.

AND NOW I AM BACK.

AND WE HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

WE'LL START CLASS IN A MINUTE.

SPIRITUAL TEA, HUH?

COMPLETELY LEGAL. WITH A PRESCRIPTION.

FANNY, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK.

DID YOU HEAR?

I DON'T KNOW, DID I?

YEAH, I KIND OF MEANT TO TELL YOU.

SPARKLES IS DEAD. KAPUT.

SWIMS WITH THE FISHES.

- WHAT? - YEAH. WEIRDLY,

ONLY BEING OPEN EIGHT HOURS A WEEK,

NOT ENOUGH TO KEEP A BUSINESS GOING. WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT?

- TRULY. - NOT YOUR FAULT.

- I KNOW. - YOU DID YOUR BEST.

- I KNOW. - I TRIED. I FAILED.

HOW COULD YOU LEAVE THIS OUT?

TRAUMA. BLACKOUT.

I'M SORRY, TRULY.

DON'T BE. THAT'S HOW LIFE WORKS.

SOME PEOPLE CAN BE THE FUNNIEST GUY IN THE SPORTS BAR,

AND WIND UP HOSTING A LATE NIGHT TELEVISION SHOW,

AND OTHER PEOPLE ARE ME. THEY LOSE.

WHATEVER. MOVING ON. LEMONADE.

- WHAT? - I'M MAKING LEMONADE.

FROM LIFE'S LEMONS.

- GOT IT. - BUT NOW THAT MY BUSINESS IS GONE,

I HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO REFRESH YOUR WARDROBE.

THESE COSTUMES ARE IN TERRIBLE SHAPE,

BUT WHEN I GET DONE WITH THEM,

I WILL STILL BE A GIGANTIC LOSER

AND THEY WILL LOOK FANTASTIC.

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE TO THE BARRE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

OVER TO THE BARRE.

- WHY? - I THOUGHT I'D TAKE CLASS.

( chuckles ) YOU'RE KIDDING.

NO. JUST FOR FUN.

YOU MIND?

I DO NOT MIND.

OKAY, GOOD.

I'LL BE OVER THERE.

( piano music playing )

HOLD ON TO YOUR SOCKS, KID.

YOU'RE GONNA SEE SOME MOVES.

FIRST POSITION. PORT DE BRAS.

AND DOWN.

DEMI PLIE.

INTIMIDATED YET?

( kids chattering )

UH...

THAT'S RIGHT. I AM WORKING.

FANNY ASKED ME TO HELP OUT A LITTLE AROUND HERE,

AND I SAID SURE.

- SHE ASKED? - YEAH.

- DID SHE ASK NICELY? - VERY NICELY.

DID SHE SAY "PLEASE, SCOTTY,

WOULD YOU BE SO KIND AS TO HELP ME

AND IN EXCHANGE THERE'LL BE ICED TEA

AND TALES OF LIFE FROM THE OLD COUNTRY."

IN A VERY DIFFERENT SET OF WORDS, YES.

YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO HER AND NEGOTIATE YOUR RELEASE?

NO, I'M FINE. IN EXCHANGE FOR ME CRASHING ON HER COUCH,

I'M DOING SOME CHORES. SEEMS FAIR.

VERY FAIR.

I MEAN, A LITTLE HARD WORK'S GOOD FOR A MAN.

FOR A MAN, SURE.

HEY, I'M THE SON OF A LABORER, SO IT'S IN MY BLOOD.

YEAH, WE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE THAT YOU'RE THE SON OF A LABORER.

- DAD WAS A LABORER. - MY DAD WAS A LABORER.

WE HAVE THE SAME DAD.

( chuckles ) OKAY.

- WE HAVE THE SAME NOSE. - BACK TO WORK.

OKAY.

WHAT WEIRD PLACE ARE YOU WATCHING ME FROM?

NOTHING WEIRD ABOUT IT.

- HI. - YOU BRING IT?

- BE RIGHT DOWN. - WAIT.

I COULD JUST COME UP.

NEVER MIND.

- GIVE ME. - HOLD ON.

NOW GIVE ME.

I JUST WANT TO GO ON RECORD

THAT I THINK THIS IS VERY STRANGE.

LET THE RECORD SO STIPULATE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - I'M GONNA READ IT.

IN FRONT OF ME?

YOU CAN TURN AROUND IF YOU WANT.

SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT IT FIRST?

NOPE.

- BUT I COULD JUST-- - SHH.

( sighs )

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THIS.

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF A GIRLFRIEND ASKING

A BOYFRIEND TO DO THIS.

- "ANNA KARENINA." - WHAT?

- HAVE YOU READ IT? - NO.

DO YOU READ ANYTHING RUSSIAN?

PUSSY RIOT'S LINER NOTES.

IN RUSSIAN SOCIETY, A MAN WOULD OFTEN

SHOW A WOMAN HIS DIARIES SO SHE WOULD KNOW

OF HIS PAST INTIMATE RELATIONS.

I DON'T--

I JUST-- WHAT?

HMM.

HMM? WHAT HMM?

WHAT DOES THIS SAY?

( sighs ) "BATHROOM."

UPSTAIRS BATHROOM?

YES. UPSTAIRS BATHROOM.

VERY ROMANTIC.

OKAY, SERIOUSLY.

HOLD ON.

( sighs )

- THIS IS ALL OF IT? - YES.

AND IT'S ALL TRUE?

SASHA, SERIOUSLY?

( sighs )

YES, IT'S ALL TRUE.

IT'S 100% TRUE, OKAY?

OKAY.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

DOSVEEDANYA.

( sighs )

I COULDN'T DATE A CHEERLEADER.

BOY, HE HAD A VERY ACTIVE EIGHTH GRADE.

WAS THIS WHEN JENNY DIVUCIO WAS FAT OR THIN?

- FAT. - WOW.

AT LEAST HE'S NOT SHALLOW.

YOU THINK IT'S ALL TRUE?

I'D SAY IT'S 60 TO 65% TRUE.

THE LEMONADE GIRLS AT HOT DOG ON A STICK STORY

SMACKS A BIT OF HOWARD STERN.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH ALL THIS INFORMATION ANYHOW?

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE THEY SAY? THAT WAS NOT AN ANSWER.

RIDICULOUS. THIS IS NOT WHAT WE ASKED FOR, BOO.

AND FRANKLY, I DON'T APPRECIATE

CARL NOT TAKING IT SERIOUSLY.

- I THINK IT'S CUTE. - WE ASKED HIM--

YOU ASKED HIM

FOR A FULL ACCOUNTING OF ALL OF HIS INTIMATE EXPERIENCES,

- AND HE GIVES YOU THIS. - SO?

- IT'S A COMIC BOOK. - ( bell dings )

MY POT ROAST IS READY.

REMEMBER THE JIFFY POP DAYS?

WE WERE JUST KIDS BACK THEN.

IT'S NOT A COMIC BOOK. IT'S A GRAPHIC NOVEL.

THIS IS NOT A LIST. WE ASKED FOR A LIST.

WELL, HE THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE MORE CREATIVE.

NO ONE'S EVEN HUMAN IN IT.

YEAH, WHICH ANIMAL'S SUPPOSED TO BE CARL?

THE MUSKRAT IN THE JOGGING SUIT.

IT'S NOT EVEN ABOUT DATING.

ON PAGE FIVE, THE MUSKRAT TAKES THE SLOW BOAT TO CHINA.

GOD, THAT SMELLS DELICIOUS.

THERE'S THREE HEADS OF GARLIC IN THERE.

GOOD THING WE DON'T HAVE BOYFRIENDS.

WE'RE GONNA REEK FOR A MONTH.

YOU KNOW, THE DRAWINGS ARE PRETTY GOOD HERE, BOO.

MAYBE I SHOULD TRY A DIFFERENT STYLE OF ART.

YOU THINK CARL COULD GIVE ME SOME TIPS?

YOU CHEATING ON YOUR ART TEACHER?

JUST TRYING TO KEEP HIM INTERESTED.

MY PEARS SURE AREN'T DOING IT.

YEAH, I KNOW HOW THAT SOUNDED AND YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

THIS IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP, BOO.

- DON'T YOU CARE? - ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT THE THINGS CARL'S DONE.

NO, NOT REALLY.

BUT WHAT HE'S DONE AFFECTS YOU.

- HOW? - WHAT IF YOU'RE NOT EXPERIENCED ENOUGH, HUH?

THAT CAN RUIN SOME RELATIONSHIPS.

I'M NOT EXPERIENCED ENOUGH. IT SEEMS TO BE FINE SO FAR.

YEAH, HOW EXPERIENCED YOU ARE DOESN'T MATTER TO A LOT OF GUYS.

WHAT IF HE'S GOT A KID?

CARL DOESN'T HAVE A KID.

HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A BIKE.

SO MAYBE IT'S NOT A KID,

BUT IT COULD BE A MYRIAD OF OTHER THINGS,

AND I FIND IT ASTONISHING THAT I'M THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS ROOM

WHO COMPREHENDS HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS.

- ( bell dings ) - MY POPOVERS ARE READY.

( TV playing )

- SASHA? - YEAH?

I KNOW YOU'RE MAD ABOUT THE COMIC BOOK,

BUT CAN I BRING CARL A PIECE OF PIE?

I THOUGHT IT WAS A GRAPHIC NOVEL.

I'M NOT MAD.

TAKE HIM PIE.

OH, SHOOT! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO DO

THE FACE MASKS TONIGHT.

WE'LL DO IT NEXT TIME.

I WAS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO A HEALTHY YOUTHFUL GLOW.

OKAY, COME ON.

REALLY?

SHOULD WE WAKE THEM?

THEY LOOK YOUTHFUL ENOUGH TO ME.

YOU KNOW, I READ THAT FRENCH WOMEN DON'T GO TO THE GYM.

THEY JUST USE WEIGHT LOSS CREAM.

SOUNDS RIDICULOUS.

YEAH, BUT IT'D BE NICE IF IT WORKED.

BOO...

I THINK WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.

STEP WHAT UP?

I THINK WE NEED TO CONSIDER HAVING SEX NOW.

WITH EACH OTHER?

NO, WITH ROMAN AND CARL.

ME WITH ROMAN, YOU WITH CARL.

BUT CARL AND I ARE WAITING.

A YEAR AND A HALF IS A LONG TIME.

TIME THAT INCLUDES DANCES,

PARTIES.

FRIDAY NIGHT PARTIES THAT HE CAN GO TO

AND YOU CAN'T BECAUSE YOU HAVE CLASS IN THE MORNING.

AND THERE'S GIRLS AT THESE PARTIES.

PARTY GIRLS.

THAT TIME ALSO INCLUDES CAMP.

SIX WEEKS WHERE YOU'RE APART.

AND HE'LL BE A JUNIOR COUNSELOR THIS YEAR.

HE'LL WEAR THE GRAY SHORTS.

HE'LL BE DOING BED CHECKS.

HE'LL HAVE PRIVILEGES, POWER.

THAT'S A BIG TURN-ON TO A LOT OF GIRLS.

- I KNOW. - PLUS, IN A YEAR AND A HALF

YOU'RE NOT THE NEW GIRLFRIEND ANYMORE.

YOU'RE JUST THE OLD GIRLFRIEND WHO MADE HIM WAIT

A YEAR AND A HALF.

YOU'RE PLANNING ON DOING IT WITH HIM ANYHOW,

SO WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU JUST MOVE IT UP A BIT?

YOU'RE READY? WITH ROMAN?

I THINK TIMING IS IMPORTANT.

WE SHOULD STRIKE WHILE THE IRON IS HOT.

BUT WHAT DO WE DO?

HOW DO WE WORK THIS? I NEED TO SHAVE MY LEGS.

HEY. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SEX.

HOW LONG WERE WE ASLEEP?

BOO AND I MADE SOME DECISIONS TONIGHT REGARDING OUR FUTURE,

AND TOMORROW WE'LL START PUTTING A PLAN IN MOTION.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WE'LL START WITH RESEARCH. WHAT TIME CAN WE ALL MEET AT THE LIBRARY?

ALL? YOU'RE THE HORNDOGS.

WE'VE GOT POTENTIAL SPINSTER BUDDY COMEDY

WRITTEN ALL OVER OUR FACES.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT BOYFRIENDS.

THIS IS ABOUT INFORMATION.

WE ARE YOUNG WOMEN IN A FRANTIC TIME,

AND WE GROW UP QUICKLY.

WE NEED TO BE READY FOR ANYTHING.

IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS.

I'M AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN AND I WILL NOT

HAVE IGNORANT FRIENDS.

10:00. I'LL BRING MUFFINS.

♪ A SMILE IS SOMETHING SPECIAL ♪

♪ A RIBBON IS SOMETHING RARE ♪

♪ SO I'LL BE SPECIAL AND I'LL BE RARE ♪

♪ WITH A SMILE ♪

♪ AND A RIBBON IN MY HAIR ♪

♪ TO BE A GIRL THEY NOTICE ♪

♪ TAKES MORE THAN A FANCY DRESS ♪

♪ SO I'LL BE NOTICED ♪

♪ BECAUSE I'LL DRESS ♪

♪ WITH A SMILE ♪

♪ AND A RIBBON IN MY TRESSES ♪

♪ THE BIGGER MY TOOTHY GRIN IS ♪

♪ THE SMALLER MY TROUBLES GROW ♪

♪ THE LOUDER I SAY I'M HAPPY ♪

♪ THE MORE I BELIEVE IT'S SO ♪

♪ SO I'LL HAVE THAT EXTRA SOMETHING ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'LL KNOW WHAT TO WEAR ♪

♪ SO I'LL BE SPECIAL AND I'LL BE RARE ♪

♪ I'LL BE SOMETHING BEYOND COMPARE ♪

♪ I'LL BE NOTICED ♪

♪ BECAUSE I'LL WEAR A SMILE ♪

♪ AND A RIBBON IN MY HAIR ♪

♪ THE BIGGER MY TOOTHY GRIN IS ♪

♪ THE SMALLER MY TROUBLES GROW ♪

♪ THE LOUDER I SAY I'M HAPPY ♪

♪ THE MORE I BELIEVE IT'S SO ♪

♪ SO I'LL HAVE THAT EXTRA SOMETHING ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'LL KNOW WHAT TO WEAR ♪

♪ SO I'LL BE SPECIAL AND I'LL BE RARE ♪

♪ I'LL BE SOMETHING BEYOND COMPARE ♪

♪ I'LL BE NOTICED ♪

♪ BECAUSE I'LL WEAR A SMILE ♪

♪ AND A RIBBON IN MY HAIR. ♪

OH, MILLY.

IT COULD NOT BE HELPED.

I NEED THAT AMPHITHEATER DONE FOR THE FALL RECITAL.

WELL, I'M SORRY.

BEN WAS TOO STUPID TO LIVE.

WHEN I FIND MYSELF ACTING OUT SIMPLE COMMANDS

LIKE "YOU PUT BIG THING THERE,"

THEY HAVE TO GO.

I'LL FIND ANOTHER CONCRETE GUY.

- FINE. - THIS IS WHY THEY HAD PLAGUES, YOU KNOW.

TO KILL DUMB GUYS LIKE BEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO, MILLY?

YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

LIKE WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "LIKE WHAT?" SHE'S YOUR SISTER.

- SHE'S A WRECK. - WHY?

SHE'S DEVASTATED ABOUT SPARKLES GOING DOWN.

OH, WELL I'M NOT SURE WHAT I CAN DO ABOUT THAT.

REALLY?

WELL, LET'S THINK ABOUT THAT.

WHAT COULD YOU DO?

WHAT COULD YOU DO TO HELP YOUR SISTER,

WHO USED TO HAVE A BUSINESS

AND NOW DOESN'T HAVE A BUSINESS

AND IS SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BUSINESS

- DOING THAT? - BOY, THAT'S REALLY UPSETTING.

Fanny: SHE MISSES SPARKLES.

Milly: SO SHE NEEDS WORK.

- WELL... - I TRIED THAT ONCE.

I GOT HER A JOB ON AN ASSEMBLY LINE.

TOTAL DISASTER.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT AN ASSEMBLY LINE.

ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS SCREW ON A NUT.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT AN ASSEMBLY LINE, MILLY.

Milly: SHE'S USELESS ON A LOADING DOCK TOO, FYI.

WELL, MAYBE IF YOU THINK REAL HARD

YOU'LL COME UP WITH SOMETHING.

I WONDER HOW SHE'D BE AT POURING CONCRETE.

HEY, SORRY.

I DIDN'T KNOW THE PLACE WAS PACKED.

WHAT DO YOU NEED?

OH, NOTHING.

YOU'RE DRESSED IN DANCE CLOTHES.

YEAH, I AM.

I WAS FEELING A LITTLE BLOATY

SO I THOUGHT I'D SPIN AROUND A LITTLE.

SEE IF I COULD FLING IT OFF

OR SOMETHING.

CHARMING. I'M DONE.

LET'S GO, LADIES. MICHELLE NEEDS THE STUDIO.

IT'S ALL YOURS.

TRY AND FLING IT AWAY FROM THE MIRROR

IF POSSIBLE.

WILL DO.

THE TUTUS HATE ME.

THEY DON'T HATE YOU.

Truly: THEY KNOW I FAILED.

( chatter continues )

( sighs )

OKAY.

OKAY.

( door opens )

AHA! I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.

DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE?

ACTUALLY, I'M HEADING OVER TO FANNY'S.

OKAY, THEN I'D LIKE TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT.

- HOW'S SUNDAY? - APPOINTMENT TO--?

TALK. ABOUT SEX.

ON A SUNDAY? IS THAT LEGAL?

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN SEX EXACTLY

LIKE "SEX" SEX.

OH, GOOD.

- I KNOW ABOUT SEX. - GREAT.

IT'S MORE LIKE THE MECHANICS OF SEX.

YOU KNOW, NOT WHAT GOES WHERE.

I'M UP ON THAT. PENIS, VAGINA, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

BORING.

I JUST HAVE QUESTIONS, YOU KNOW?

THINGS TO TALK THROUGH.

( sighs )

BOY, THERE ARE A LOT OF BALLS HANGING FROM THIS CEILING.

SEE, I ALWAYS WANTED A DOG

FROM THE TIME I WAS FIVE.

BUT I DECIDED, "IF I'M GONNA OWN A DOG,

I'M GONNA DO IT PROPERLY."

SO I BOUGHT A LOT OF BOOKS,

AND I WENT TO SHELTERS AND DOG PARKS

AND I BOUGHT MORE BOOKS, AND I READ ALL THE BOOKS,

AND I DOG SAT, AND I MADE LISTS OF NAMES--

AND YOU NEVER GOT A DOG, DID YOU?

NO. BECAUSE I OVER- INTELLECTUALIZE, YOU KNOW?

NO. NO, I DON'T.

I CAN'T BE ALONE WITH LISTS ANYMORE.

I NEED INTERACTION. DEBATE.

SO HOW'S SUNDAY, 4:00?

OH, WELL I DON'T HAVE MY...

THING WITH THE DAY NUMBERS ON IT.

4:30? 5:00?

SURE. 5:00. PENCIL ME IN.

- THANKS, MICHELLE. - YEAH, SO...

- MONDAY AT 4:00. - SUNDAY AT 5:00.

EVEN BETTER.

( groans ) STUPID MULCH.

HEY, I THINK THE PLANTS GO INSIDE THE POTS.

YEAH, HOW HELPFUL. THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.

Scotty: HELP ME OUT OVER HERE.

SCOTTY IS ALSO GREAT AT DRYWALL

AND ANYTHING INVOLVING HOT TAR, FYI.

I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND.

OOH, GONNA BE A DJ?

I HAVE THE CHOREOGRAPHY FOR THE RECITAL

ALL WORKED OUT IN MY HEAD,

BUT I CAN'T FIND THE RIGHT MUSIC.

I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS.

LISTEN, I NEED SATURDAY OFF.

WHY?

I'M A MULE FOR THE CARTEL. SATURDAY'S MY SHIFT.

ANYTHING WRONG?

NO. I JUST NEED THE DAY OFF.

OKAY.

THANKS.

IT'S NOT GONNA BE A REGULAR THING.

- HEY, FANNY? - HMM?

WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN THE GIRLS ASK YOU ABOUT SEX?

THEY NEVER ASK ME ABOUT SEX.

- OH. - WHY?

- NO REASON. - DID THEY ASK YOU ABOUT SEX?

JUST MAKING CONVERSATION.

JUST MAKING CONVERSATION?

"WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN THE GIRLS ASK YOU ABOUT SEX?"

THAT'S JUST MAKING CONVERSATION?

- YES. - "HOW'S THE WEATHER?"

THAT'S JUST MAKING CONVERSATION.

- FINE. - "WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TASTE OF TOMATOES?"

THAT'S JUST MAKING CONVERSATION.

- SORRY I BROUGHT IT UP. - SOMEONE ASKED YOU ABOUT SEX.

- WHO WAS IT? - NO ONE. I WAS JUST TALKING HYPOTHETICALLY.

MICHELLE, TELL ME WHO IT WAS.

NO ONE, I SWEAR. I WAS JUST WATCHING A MORNING SHOW

AND THERE WAS A DOCTOR ON

TALKING ABOUT GIRLS AND SEX.

WHAT SHOW?

YOU KNOW, THE SHOW WITH THE DOCTOR

WHO WAS TALKING ABOUT GIRLS AND SEX.

I LOVE THAT SHOW.

ANYHOW, I JUST THOUGHT I SHOULD BE READY

JUST IN CASE ONE DAY SOME GIRL CAME UP TO ME

AND ASKED ME ABOUT SEX.

SO, OKAY. THEY HAVEN'T ASKED YOU.

AND IF THEY HAVEN'T ASKED YOU, THEY PROBABLY DON'T CARE.

WHICH IS GOOD.

WOW. LOOK AT THE TIME.

I GOTTA GO. GOOD LUCK WITH THE MUSIC SEARCH.

THANKS FOR SATURDAY.

( door closes )

WAITING FOR A CALL?

- NO. - VERY BELIEVABLE.

HEY, ANYBODY ELSE GET THIS?

- WHAT? - MICHELLE'S NOT TEACHING TODAY.

I GOT THE SAME TEXT. SHE'S SICK.

SO WHO'S TEACHING? FANNY?

( crying )

All: JORDAN.

- PASS. - MY HOUSE?

- STOP FOR TACOS? - I'LL MAKE ZITI.

HEY. I THOUGHT SHE WAS SICK.

SHE DOESN'T LOOK SICK.

Melanie: SHE'S GOT A LOT OF STUFF IN THAT BAG OF HERS.

Ginny: SHE'S NOT TAKING OFF AGAIN, IS SHE?

NO, NOT AGAIN.

I THINK.

( engine starting )

COME ON.

- WHERE ARE WE GOING? - THELMA, LOUISE, LOUISE,

IT'S TIME FOR A ROAD TRIP.

SORRY. EXCUSE ME.

UNION? NON-UNION?

UNION.

EQUITY CARD.

YES.

I ALMOST FORGOT IT.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN TRAGIC.

FOR ME. YOU I ASSUME

COULD WITHSTAND SUCH A BLOW.

BREAK A LEG.

IF ANYONE CAN.

UNION? NON-UNION?

SORRY. EXCUSE ME.

PARDON ME.

SORRY. EXCUSE ME.

COMING THROUGH. BEEP BEEP.

EXCUSE ME. THANK YOU.

( quietly ) EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SORRY. SORRY SORRY SORRY.

SORRY. SORRY. EXCUSE ME.

COMING THROUGH. THANK YOU.

GOD. OKAY.

WOW.

HERE WE GO.

AY YI YI.

ALL RIGHT.

( sighs )

( blows raspberry )

OH, THANK GOD WE ARE FINALLY OUT OF THAT CAR.

IF WE'RE GONNA TRAIL SOMEONE ALL THE WAY TO L.A. AGAIN,

YOU HAVE GOT TO GET A BETTER SOUND SYSTEM.

LOOK AROUND. SHE PULLED INTO THE PARKING LOT.

- WHERE ARE WE? - CHURCH?

WE'RE AT CHURCH?

WE DROVE AN HOUR AND A HALF TO GO TO CHURCH?!

MY GRANDMOTHER'S GONNA HAVE A STROKE.

MAYBE WE'RE IN THE WRONG PLACE.

I CAN'T IMAGINE MICHELLE BEING--

WOW. SO CLOSE.

WAIT, ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE HIDING?

I'M UNCLEAR ON THE AGENDA.

THE AGENDA'S STILL EVOLVING.

SHOULDN'T WE GO SAY HI?

- WHY? - DIDN'T WE COME TO SAY HI?

- NO. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

USING MY POWERS FOR GOOD INSTEAD OF EVIL.

WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS PLACE?

HOLLYWOOD UNITED METHODIST CHURCH.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

YOU'LL BE HOME BEFORE DARK.

NO, I MEAN I'M LUTHERAN.

I GOT IT.

- IT'S AN AUDITION. - FOR WHAT, "SISTER ACT"?

IT'S "FOR AN OPEN CALL FOR DANCERS WHO SING

FOR A NEW BROADWAY MUSICAL BASED ON THE MOVIE 'DARK VICTORY.'"

- DARK WHAT? - ON IT.

SHE'S GOING TO MOVE BACK TO NEW YORK.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE THE JOB YET.

"'DARK VICTORY.' THE 1939 AMERICAN FILM

DIRECTED BY EDMUND GOULDING,

STARRING BETTE DAVIS, GEORGE BRENT,

GERALDINE FITZGERALD, AND RONALD REAGAN."

SOUNDS LIKE A BARN BURNER.

"BETTE DAVIS IS A HEDONISTIC

LONG ISLAND HEIRESS WITH A PASSION FOR

HORSES, FAST CARS, AND TOO MUCH SMOKING AND DRINKING."

THAT SOUNDS PERFECT FOR MICHELLE.

"ONE DAY, SHE FALLS OFF HER HORSE AND ENDS UP WITH A BRAIN TUMOR."

THAT'S YOUR 11:00 NUMBER RIGHT THERE.

"SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH HER DOCTOR,

HE DOESN'T TELL HER SHE'S DYING,

SHE GOES BLIND, AND SCENE."

I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S AUDITIONING AGAIN.

SO WE SHOULD GO WISH HER LUCK, RIGHT?

- SURE. WHAT? - WAIT.

MAYBE THAT WOULD BE BAD.

LIKE BAD LUCK. WE'D JINX HER.

I DON'T BELIEVE IN JINXES.

MAYBE MELANIE'S RIGHT. I DON'T WANT TO BE

THE REASON SHE DOESN'T GET THE JOB.

SO ARE WE WISHING HER LUCK OR NOT?

I DON'T KNOW. I SO RARELY AGREE WITH BOO.

I'M A LITTLE THROWN HERE.

WISH HER LUCK, DON'T WISH HER LUCK,

I DON'T CARE.

I WANT TO GET A BETTER LOOK AT THIS FREAK SHOW.

♪ THEY SAY THE NEON LIGHTS ARE BRIGHT ♪

♪ ON BROADWAY ♪

♪ THEY SAY THERE'S ALWAYS ♪

♪ MAGIC IN THE AIR ♪

♪ BUT WHEN YOU'RE WALKING DOWN THAT STREET ♪

♪ AND YOU AIN'T HAD ENOUGH TO EAT ♪

♪ THE GLITTER RUBS RIGHT OFF ♪

♪ AND YOU'RE NOWHERE ♪

♪ OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH ♪

♪ THEY SAY THE WOMEN TREAT YOU FINE ♪

- HOLY MOLY. - ♪ ON BROADWAY ♪

♪ BUT LOOKING AT THEM ♪

♪ JUST GIVES ME THE BLUES... ♪

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING OUT TODAY.

AT LEAST THE WEATHER'S BEAUTIFUL AND YOU COULD GET A TAN.

( laughing )

WE ARE LOOKING FOR VERY SPECIFIC TYPES

FOR OUR CHORUS,

SO I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE

IF THIS HAS BEEN A WASTE OF TIME.

Dance Captain: OKAY, FORM YOUR LINES, PLEASE.

NO. NO.

NO. NO.

NO. NO.

NO.

NO.

NO.

NO.

NO.

NO.

NO.

NO. NO.

NO.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NO.

NO.

NO. NO. NO.

NO.

NO.

NO. NO.

NO.

NO.

WAIT.

NO.

NO. NO.

NO.

OH DEAR.

SUCK YOUR STOMACH IN FOR GOD'S SAKE.

NO.

NO.

NO.

- NO. - ( sighing )

10 YEARS OFF MY LIFE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NO. NO.

NO. NO.

NO. NO. NO.

NO.

NO. NO.

NO.

NO.

NO.

ALL RIGHT.

EVERYBODY LEFT ONTO THE FLOOR

AND WE'LL SHOW YOU THE COMBINATION.

AND YOU HAVE...

WALK ONE, TWO...

ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX...

AND ONE... THREE.

FIVE SIX SEVEN.

ONE TWO THREE FOUR.

SIX SEVEN EIGHT.

ONE... THREE.

FOUR. SIX.

AND ONE.

THREE. FOUR.

FIVE SEVEN AND EIGHT.

THAT DOESN'T LOOK SO BAD.

YEAH, SHE CAN HANDLE THAT RIGHT?

IT'S EASY. TOTALLY EASY.

BOO! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- OUT THERE. - TO DO WHAT?

- AUDITION. - BOO, YOU CAN'T.

WHAT DO WE DO?

COME ON.

HEY, EXCUSE ME.

WAS THE KICK ON FIVE OR SIX?

- FIVE. - THANKS.

- IT'S ON SIX. - OH.

OH, THANKS.

OKAY. ONCE UP TO TEMPO

AND I'LL BREAK YOU INTO GROUPS.

FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT.

( music playing )

OKAY, EVERYBODY.

GRAB YOUR STUFF. GO BACK OUTSIDE.

I WILL BRING YOU IN IN GROUPS OF 10.

OKAY.

GOOD LUCK, MOTHER TERESA.

BLESS YOU, MY CHILD.

THAT WAS FUN.

YEAH.

BOO!

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING? - OUTSIDE. HE SAID.

- THAT'S FOR THE DANCERS. - YEAH.

- YOU CAN'T AUDITION. - WHY NOT?

- ARE YOU CRAZY? - THIS IS MY CHANCE.

- TO DO WHAT? - GET A JOB IN A BROADWAY SHOW.

- BOO'S GONE BYE-BYE. - COME ON.

STOP. SASHA. NO.

STOP!

STOP, SASHA. LET GO.

YOU CAN'T AUDITION. YOU'RE 17 YEARS OLD

AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

- WELL, THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENS. - HOW WHAT HAPPENS?

THAT'S HOW YOU GET FAMOUS.

YOU'VE HEARD THE STORIES.

SOMEONE SNEAKS INTO AN AUDITION

AND GETS DISCOVERED.

OR THEY'RE IN A PHARMACY OR A PIZZA PLACE.

NATALIE PORTMAN WAS DISCOVERED IN A PIZZA PLACE,

BUT I'M CUTTING DOWN ON CARBS.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET DISCOVERED, BOO.

YOU KNOW, SASHA, YOU'RE BOSSY.

- OUCH. - AND YOU'VE BEEN BOSSY SINCE THE SECOND GRADE.

AND I AM SICK OF IT.

I CAN AUDITION IF I WANT TO.

- FINE. - I DON'T NEED YOUR PERMISSION.

- GREAT. - Ginny: GUYS.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GOING TO HAVE SEX

A YEAR AND A HALF FROM NOW TWO DAYS BEFORE PROM

JUST LIKE I HAD PLANNED.

I THOUGHT IT WAS THE DAY BEFORE PROM.

WELL, WE BUILT IN A LITTLE SLUSH TIME

IN CASE IT'S AWFUL AND WE NEED TO TRY AGAIN

SO WE DON'T GO TO PROM AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER WEIRD ALL NIGHT, OKAY?

HEY, YOU'RE MISSING MICHELLE'S GROUP.

( music playing )

ALL RIGHT.

Choreographer: HMM.

YOU...

AND YOU.

STAY AND SING.

THE REST OF YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I WILL NEED YOUR PICTURES AND RESUMES.

STUPID BAG.

STUPID AUDITION.

FOUR HOURS MY ASS FOR THIS STUPID AUDITION.

IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.

( sighs )

YES. YEAH.

REALLY?

WHAT? BAD?

FREAKING HATHAWAY.

EVERYBODY'S DOING THIS NOW.

IF I HEAR THIS ONE MORE TIME,

I'M TAKING HOSTAGES. WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?

UH...

AH, PERFECT. SING THAT.

THE SHOW'S ABOUT A BROAD DYING OF BRAIN CANCER.

WE DON'T ALL HAVE TO GO DOWN WITH HER.

- YOU START IN "F"? - HOW'D YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE I'M A TERRIFIC PLUMBER.

GO SING.

( quietly ) OKAY.

HI. I'M MICHELLE SIMMS.

NICE TO MEET YOU, MICHELLE. WHAT ARE YOU SINGING?

"IF MY FRIENDS COULD SEE ME NOW."

THANK GOD NO MORE "LES MIZ."

( piano playing )

♪ IF THEY COULD SEE ME NOW ♪

♪ THAT LITTLE GANG OF MINE ♪

♪ I'M EATING FANCY CHOW ♪

♪ AND DRINKING FANCY WINE ♪

♪ I'D LIKE THOSE STUMBLE BUMBS ♪

♪ TO SEE FOR A FACT ♪

SHE SOUNDS GOOD.

ARE THE PRODUCERS SMILING?

♪ ALL I CAN SAY IS WHOA ♪

♪ LOOK AND HERE I AM ♪

LOOK AT HER.

♪ RIGHT IN A PART OF JAIL ♪

♪ WHAT A SETUP, HOLY COW ♪

♪ THEY'D NEVER BELIEVE IT ♪

♪ IF MY FRIENDS ♪

♪ COULD SEE ♪

♪ ME ♪

♪ NOW ♪

♪ THEY'D NEVER BELIEVE IT ♪

♪ IF MY FRIENDS COULD SEE ME NOW. ♪

THANK YOU, MICHELLE. THAT WAS GREAT.

THIS IS A GOOD TIME TO BREAK.

10 MINUTES?

EVERYBODY TINKLE.

ARE YOU GONNA SMOKE?

- NO. - OH.

I JUST WANTED TO STAND NEXT TO SOMEBODY

WHO STILL SMOKES.

- ( chuckles ) - YOU WERE TERRIFIC, BY THE WAY.

- YEAH? - BEST I HEARD ALL DAY.

I MEAN IT.

APPARENTLY THE JEWS ARE LEAVING EGYPT AGAIN.

WHO ARE THEY?

THOSE ARE THE DANCERS.

THE DANCERS?

FOR THE SHOW.

- FOR THIS SHOW? - YEP.

- ( laughing ) - SO THE SPOTS WE JUST AUDITIONED FOR ARE--

GONE. WEEKS AGO.

THIS CHOREOGRAPHER HIRES THE SAME GIRLS NO MATTER WHAT.

THE UNIONS MAKE US HOLD THESE OPEN CALLS.

SO ANNOYING. I HATE THESE THINGS.

YOU HATE THESE THINGS.

HEY, LISTEN. IF YOU'RE EVER IN NEW YORK

I'M ALWAYS PUTTING TOGETHER SHOWCASES AND BENEFITS.

I'D KILL TO HAVE A TRIPLE-THREAT LIKE YOU

WHO CAN BELT A "C" IN THE MASK

WITH VIBRATO.

I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD.

IF I CAN FIND ONE.

SETH, WE'RE BACK.

OH, CRAP. I'LL FIND YOU.

COMING.

( engine starting )

NEXT TIME, WE SAY HI.

WHAT DID I DO NOW?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU SAID "COME OVER, IT'S IMPORTANT."

MEANING I DID SOMETHING TO UPSET MOM

AND YOU CALLED ME OVER HERE TO TELL ME WHAT,

SO JUST TELL ME.

NOTHING. THIS ISN'T ABOUT MOM.

OH.

THOUGH SHE DOES RESENT THE FACT THAT YOU NEVER

PAID HER BACK FOR COLLEGE AND DIDN'T GRADUATE.

HAVE A SEAT.

I DON'T HAVE VERY LONG.

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE DANCE STUDIO.

I'M GOING A SNAIL'S PACE ON THOSE COSTUMES

AND I'M SURE FANNY'S SICK OF SEEING ME BY NOW.

WHAT'S WITH THE PICTURES?

THIS IS A RECENTLY VACATED BUILDING

THAT I OWN.

I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD REOPEN SPARKLES THERE.

I CAN'T AFFORD IT.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW? - I KNOW.

I KNOW WHAT YOU CHARGE.

WELL, I WOULD GIVE YOU A FAMILY DISCOUNT.

- ( chuckles ) - THIS IS A BETTER FAMILY DISCOUNT.

- HOW MUCH BETTER? - WELL, THE PREVIOUS TENANTS

ARE PAID UP FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR,

SO... FREE.

COMPLETELY FREE?

NO RENT.

MY GOD, MILLY--

YOU DO KNOW WHAT FREE MEANS, RIGHT?

- YES. - THAT MEANS I DON'T GIVE YOU MONEY.

I KNOW WHAT FREE MEANS, TRULY.

GIVE ME A BREAK.

I'M SORRY ABOUT SPARKLES.

ABOUT RUINING IT FOR YOU.

LOOKS LIKE A NICE SPACE.

IT HAS ASBESTOS IN THE BATHROOM.

I'LL HAVE IT REMOVED.

UNLESS YOU DON'T THINK YOU'LL NEED A BATHROOM.

- THEN I GUESS-- - I'M GONNA NEED A BATHROOM.

RIGHT. OF COURSE YOU WILL.

WELL...

WE SHOULD TOAST, RIGHT?

CELEBRATE A NEW CHAPTER

IN THE STONE SISTERS' SAGA?

YES. YES WE SHOULD.

I WOULD LIKE TWO SHOTS OF SOMETHING BLUE

THAT WON'T MAKE ME THROW UP IMMEDIATELY.

EXCUSE ME.

I'M LOOKING FOR MILLICENT STONE.

I'M MILLY STONE.

I HAVE A PACKAGE FOR YOU FROM FANNY FLOWERS.

WELL, THANK YOU.

Scotty: SHE'S GOT ME DELIVERING PACKAGES NOW.

I'M A MESSENGER BOY.

THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW I'LL BE WEARING A UNIFORM.

LITTLE HAT LIKE AN ORGAN GRINDER'S MONKEY.

YOU'D LOOK GOOD IN A HAT.

THAT'S WHAT MY LIFE'S BECOME.

MICHELLE SHOULD HAVE WARNED ME,

BUT SHE'S SADISTIC, MY SISTER.

YOU'RE MICHELLE'S BROTHER?

MICHELLE NEVER SAID SHE HAD A BROTHER.

YEAH, SHE'S GOT A BROTHER, AND HE'S IN HELL.

OKAY. HERE'S YOUR PACKAGE,

AND SHE WANTS A SIGNATURE.

THAT'S MY PHONE NUMBER.

JUST IN CASE.

THANK YOU.

- GOD, HE'S CUTE. - SO CUTE.

- HE KIND OF LOOKS LIKE HER. - BUT CUTE.

IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I THOUGHT ANYONE WAS CUTE.

I KNOW, I COULD JUST...

OH, CRAP.

Michelle: FANNY, I'M BACK.

- Fanny: SO I SEE. - I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WANTED ME TO SUB

FOR YOU TONIGHT? YOU KNOW, IN EXCHANGE--

HOLY HELL. WHAT IS THAT?

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO TALK TO YOU.

THAT IS THE MOST REPULSIVE THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.

HAS THE FALL RECITAL TAKEN A VERY DISTURBING THEMATIC TURN?

GO HOME, MICHELLE. WE'LL TALK TOMORROW.

WHAT THE--?

MICHELLE, PLEASE LEAVE.

WHERE ON EARTH DID YOU GET ALL THIS STUFF?

MY FRIEND COLLEEN USED TO BE A MIDWIFE.

- FOR THE BORGIAS? - WHAT?

THIS STUFF IS ANCIENT.

NOT ALL OF IT.

THIS TELLS YOU HOW TO MAKE A CONDOM

OUT OF A YAK'S STOMACH, AND BUILD AN ARK.

I CAN'T EVEN-- WHERE'S HIS HEAD?

- IN THE PELVIS. - OH, SWEET JESUS AND MARY CHAIN.

- JUST GO AWAY. - I MAY NEVER CLOSE MY EYES AGAIN.

I MEAN IT, MICHELLE.

WHAT ARE THEY DOING SITTING THERE?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I HAVE DECIDED TO DEVOTE TONIGHT'S CLASS

TO THE SUBJECT OF SEXUAL EDUCATION.

NO.

SOMEONE CAME TO YOU WITH QUESTIONS ABOUT SEX.

I KNOW THIS BECAUSE YOU MAY BE

ONE OF THE WORST LIARS IN HISTORY.

NOW SINCE I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE IT WAS,

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TALK TO THEM ALL.

- FANNY, NO. DON'T. - WHY NOT?

THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS FROM YOU.

WHY, BECAUSE I'M A HIDEOUS OLD WOMAN?

YOU'RE NOT HIDEOUS.

YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW ABOUT SEX?

I KNOW ALL ABOUT SEX.

I HAVE PASSAGES IN MY DIARIES

THAT WOULD MAKE ANAIS NIN BLUSH.

I AM NO STRANGER TO CLANDESTINE CARNAL KNOWINGS.

AND I CAN EXPLAIN IT ALL TO THEM.

NOT IF YOU USE THE WORDS "CLANDESTINE CARNAL KNOWINGS."

GO AWAY, MICHELLE.

( cellphone rings )

FANNY, PLEASE. I'M GONNA HANDLE THIS.

- YOU ARE? - YES.

- WHEN? - ON SUNDAY.

- WHAT? - WHEN THIS PERSON CAME TO ME,

WE MADE AN APPOINTMENT TO TALK ON SUNDAY.

- YOU'RE KIDDING. - SUNDAY AT 6:00.

OR 5:00... 4:00.

SUNDAY SOMETIME BETWEEN 3:00 AND 8:00.

YOU MADE AN APPOINTMENT TO DISCUSS SEX

WITH A YOUNG GIRL ON SUNDAY BETWEEN 3:00 AND 8:00

LIKE YOU'RE THE CABLE GUY?

WELL, YOU MAKE THAT SOUND BAD.

YOU WOULD PUT SOMETHING THIS IMPORTANT OFF UNTIL SUNDAY?

SHE COULD BE PREGNANT BY SUNDAY.

SHE'S NOT GONNA BE PREGNANT BY SUNDAY.

- WHY NOT? - BECAUSE SHE'S SMART, FANNY.

SHE CAME TO YOU FOR SEX ADVICE.

OKAY, WE'RE NOT TALKING MENSA SMART,

BUT SHE'S SMART ENOUGH NOT TO GET PREGNANT IN TWO DAYS.

I FEEL A GREAT RESPONSIBILITY TO ALL THESE KIDS, MICHELLE.

SO PLEASE JUST LET ME HANDLE THIS.

ALL RIGHT, SHANIA, PASS THESE OUT.

ALL RIGHT.

EVERYONE'S GOING TO GET ONE OF THESE.

NOW THE FIRST THING TO KNOW

IS THAT SEX IS NOT IMPERSONAL.

IT IS HUMAN TO HUMAN.

IT IS INTIMATE.

WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT

HOW TO TRULY INTERACT WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX.

EVERYONE, NAME YOUR BANANAS.

Michelle: OH MY GOD. FANNY.

GO AWAY.

NAME IT ANYTHING YOU LIKE.

BUT A NAME THAT YOU HAVE POSITIVE FEELINGS TOWARDS.

THIS IS INSANE.

GO AWAY IF YOU DON'T WANT TO WATCH.

NOW EVERYONE,

PRETEND YOUR BANANA HAS JUST ASKED YOU TO HAVE SEX.

( groans )

THIS ISN'T GONNA WORK.

I'M ALLERGIC TO BANANAS.

MADE A BREAK FOR IT?

CLEAN GETAWAY.

DON'T WORRY. AFTER HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS

OF DOLLARS OF THERAPY,

YOU'LL FORGET WHAT JUST HAPPENED IN THERE.

OH, SO THERE'S HOPE.

HEAVY DRINKING MAY SPEED THINGS ALONG.

SO, HOW WAS THE AUDITION TODAY?

IT WAS FINE.

YEAH?

YEAH.

GOOD.

( sighs )

YOU OKAY?

HEY, WHAT'S WRONG?

GINNY?

MY BANANA'S NAME IS FRANKIE.

WHAT?

I SLEPT WITH FRANKIE.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE DATING FRANKIE.

I'M NOT.

HE DOESN'T DATE. HE JUST...

EXISTS WITH THE REST OF HUMANITY.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW.

I NEVER KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

AND HE CAN GO FOR HOURS WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING AT ALL.

HE'S JUST SO BEAUTIFUL.

I KNOW.

CAN YOU LOVE SOMEONE YOU'VE NEVER HAD

A CONVERSATION WITH?

WHEN DID YOU?

LAST WEEK.

AND SINCE?

HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.

HE HASN'T CALLED. I DON'T THINK HE HAS MY NUMBER.

I'M NOT SURE HE KNOWS MY NAME.

I'M SURE HE KNOWS YOUR NAME.

I WROTE HIM A NOTE.

- A NOTE? - A THANK YOU NOTE.

YOU WROTE HIM A THANK YOU NOTE?

I WROTE IT, I PROOFED IT, I SENT IT.

I HAVE A COPY.

WHAT DOES IT SAY?

"DEAR FRANKIE, I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU

THAT I ENJOYED OUR ENCOUNTER VERY MUCH.

AS FAR AS FIRST TIMES GO,

THIS SEEMED SUCCESSFUL.

GOOD LUCK. GINNY."

GOOD LUCK? GOOD LUCK WITH WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHY DID I WRITE THIS? WHY DID I SEND IT?

WHY DID I--

( sighs ) I'M AN IDIOT.

NO.

HE'S NEVER GONNA TALK TO ME AGAIN.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

HE WAS JUST SO BEAUTIFUL.

( sobbing )

♪ ANOTHER BRIDE ♪

♪ ANOTHER JUNE ♪

♪ ANOTHER SUNNY ♪

♪ HONEYMOON ♪

♪ ANOTHER SEASON ♪

♪ ANOTHER REASON ♪

♪ FOR MAKIN' WHOOPEE ♪

♪ A LOT OF SHOES ♪

♪ A LOT OF RICE ♪

♪ THE GROOM IS NERVOUS ♪

♪ HE ANSWERS TWICE ♪

♪ IT'S REALLY KILLING ♪

♪ BUT HE'S SO WILLING ♪

♪ TO MAKE WHOOPEE ♪

♪ PICTURE A LITTLE LOVE NEST ♪

♪ DOWN WHERE THE ROSES CLING ♪

♪ PICTURE THE SAME SWEET LOVE NEST ♪

♪ THINK WHAT A YEAR CAN BRING ♪

♪ SHE SITS ALONE ♪

♪ MOST EVERY NIGHT ♪

♪ HE DOESN'T PHONE HER ♪

♪ HE DOESN'T WRITE ♪

♪ HE SAYS HE'S BUSY ♪

♪ BUT SHE SAYS "IS HE?" ♪

♪ HE'S MAKIN' WHOOPEE ♪

♪ HE DOESN'T MAKE MUCH MONEY ♪

♪ ONLY 5,000 PER ♪

♪ SOME JUDGE WHO THINKS HE'S FUNNY ♪

♪ SAYS YOU'LL PAY SIX TO HER ♪

♪ HE SAYS "NOW, JUDGE ♪

♪ SUPPOSE I FAIL" ♪

♪ THE JUDGE SAYS "BUDGE RIGHT ♪

♪ INTO JAIL" ♪

♪ YOU'D BETTER KEEP HER ♪

♪ I THINK IT'S CHEAPER ♪

♪ THAN MAKIN' WHOOPEE ♪

♪ THAN MAKIN' WHOOPEE. ♪