Original subtitles

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I GOT A CALL ON THE WAY BACK FROM VEGAS.

WELL, YOUR WAY BACK FROM VEGAS,

YOU AND HUBBELL. ANYHOW,

HE CALLED ME AND TOLD ME TO PUT

EVERYTHING IN HER NAME, YOUR NAME--

THE WILL, THE LAND, THE HOUSE.

HE HAD ME ADD HER TO HIS CAR INSURANCE

AND CREDIT CARD.

I SENT IN A CHANGE OF ADDRESS FORM

AND REREGISTERED HER TO VOTE.

AND SIGNED HER UP FOR A SUBSCRIPTION TO "ROLLING STONE."

STARTS NEXT MONTH.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT CAN'T START THIS MONTH,

BECAUSE WE'RE ALREADY HALF WAY IN.

I UNDERSTAND HOW A MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION WORKS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW MY SON

COULD GIVE AWAY MY HOME.

HE DID NOT GIVE IT AWAY,

HE JUST PUT IT IN HER NAME.

MY HOUSE, MY LAND,

MY STUDIO, IN HER NAME?

- YES. - I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

- HELP? - JERRY,

I THINK WHAT FANNY IS TRYING TO SAY IS...

SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND.

- OH, BOY. - AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

ACTUALLY, THERE'S A GENERAL LACK OF UNDERSTANDING

ON THIS SIDE OF THE TABLE.

I GOT A CALL ON THE WAY BACK FROM VEGAS--

HUBBELL AND I WERE MARRIED

FOR TWO DAYS. THAT'S IT.

LESS IF YOU COUNT THE TIME I WAS CONSCIOUS,

WHICH WAS BASICALLY FROM VALET PARKING

TO THE NICKEL SLOTS BATHROOM AT WHISKEY PETE'S.

SO WE'RE ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT 16 HOURS, TOPS.

MAYBE WE SHOULD CONTINUE THIS TOMORROW. I MEAN, YOU'RE UPSET.

- I'M EXPLAINING THIS BADLY. - DOES SHE OWN EVERYTHING?

- YES. - YOU'RE EXPLAINING IT JUST FINE.

WHY WOULD HE LEAVE EVERYTHING TO ME? IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

- YOU WERE HIS WIFE. - FOR SECONDS.

BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND ALL HUBBELL EVER WANTED IN LIFE

WAS TO BE MARRIED. HE'S TALKED ABOUT IT SINCE THE FOURTH GRADE.

HE DRESSED UP AS A GROOM FOR HALLOWEEN

EVER YEAR SIX YEARS IN A ROW.

PEOPLE KEPT THINKING HE WAS A WAITER UNTIL HE FINALLY CONVINCED

THAT WEIRD, OLD SHUT-IN LADY DOWN THE STREET

TO GO WITH HIM AS HIS BRIDE.

- SISSY MERKOWSKI. - SISSY MERKOWSKI.

SHE STILL LIVES THERE.

THAT HALLOWEEN WAS THE LAST TIME ANYONE SAW HER.

WHEN IT FINALLY HAPPENED, HE JUST WANTED

TO LET EVERYONE KNOW.

HE WAS SO HAPPY, I NEVER HEARD HIM SO HAPPY.

SO.

HE GOT HIS BRIDE, YOU GET THE HOUSE

AND MY SON HAS THROWN ME OUT ON THE STREET.

- NO. NOT TRUE. - I'LL HAVE TO MOVE IN WITH SISSY MERKOWSKI

AND THE MUMMIFIED CORPSE OF HER MOTHER

WHICH I THINK SHE KEEPS IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

Jerry: FANNY, YOU SHOULDN'T WORRY.

YOU'RE COMPLETELY TAKEN CARE OF.

THERE ARE PROVISIONS IN THERE.

THE DANCE STUDIO IS YOURS TO RUN AS LONG AS YOU WANT IT,

AND I'M SURE MICHELLE HAS NO INTENTION

- OF MOVING YOU OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. - NO INTENTION AT ALL.

SEE? SO WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT, NOTHING'S REALLY CHANGED.

EXCEPT NOW EVERYTHING'S IN MICHELLE'S NAME

INSTEAD OF HUBBELL'S. LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.

YOU DIDN'T OWN ANYTHING BEFORE,

SO NOW YOU-- YOU STILL DON'T OWN ANYTHING.

[ mouths ]

YEAH, LOOK.

IT'S AN AWFUL TIME, AND, UM...

I'M SURE YOU BOTH MUST HAVE A MILLION QUESTIONS.

SO WHY DON'T YOU STOP BY MY OFFICE NEXT WEEK

AND, UM, I'LL GO OVER IT AGAIN.

OKAY?

[ cuckoo clocks chiming ]

[ door opens, shuts ]

[ theme music playing ]

- [ clocks chiming ] - OH MY GOD!

- [ clock barking ] - [ groans ]

[ barking continues ]

GOOD DOG.

UGH.

OH, PRE-WAR. NICE.

ALL RIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU FREAKS HAS FOOD?

AND I'M WAITING FOR AN ANSWER.

NEW LOW.

FOOD, FOOD. NEAREST FOOD.

OKAY, I'M SORRY, KID, BUT A SPLIT TOENAIL

IS NOT GONNA CUT IT.

IF IT WERE INFECTED, THEN WE COULD TALK.

BUT IT'S TURNING BLACK AND BLUE. SEE?

SERIOUSLY? YOU CALL THAT BLACK AND BLUE?

PSH. CALL ME WHEN YOU GET SOME GLASSES.

OFF THE TREE.

- WHAT YOU GOT FOR ME? - BUNIONS.

- THERE, THERE... - [ camera clicks ]

- ...AND THERE. - NICE.

OH, YEAH. WE DO BUNIONS GOOD.

IT'S A FAMILY THING. MY MOM HAS BUNIONS

AND SHE TALKS A LOT ABOUT BUNIONS.

AND MENOPAUSE.

SHE REALLY NEEDS TO GO ON A DATE.

FOOT HIGHER, PLEASE?

[ camera clicks ]

OH, BEAUTY. REALLY.

OKAY, BOO?

FIVE BLISTERS, AN INGROWN TOENAIL

AND SOME GENERAL SCABBING

- AND PEELING. - I CAN WORK WITH THAT.

HEY, NICE PICTURES?

IS THIS A NEW INTERNET THING

I'M HAPPY TO BE TOO OLD TO KNOW ABOUT?

WE'RE TAKING PICTURES OF OUR FEET.

YEAH, I GOT THE WHAT, JUST LOOKING FOR THE WHY.

WE'RE HAVING A CONTEST

TO SEE WHOSE ARE THE MOST DISGUSTING.

- AAH. - WE'RE COMPETING WITH SCHOOLS

ALL OVER CALIFORNIA, 'CAUSE THE GROSSER THE FEET--

THE BETTER THE DANCE STUDIO. I'M WITH YOU.

SAN FRANCISCO LOOKS PRETTY COMPETITIVE.

AH, LA CANADA IS REALLY THE ONE TO BEAT.

UGH, THOSE GIRLS HAVE REVOLTING FEET.

- PLUS THEY HAVE A RINGER. - A RINGER?

YEAH, ONE OF THE GIRLS HAS A SHRUNKEN TOE.

- A WHAT? - Ginny: ALL HER TOES ARE NORMAL SIZED,

EXCEPT FOR THE ONE NEXT TO THE PINKY TOE.

IT'S... THIS BIG. WHICH WOULD BE BAD ENOUGH,

BUT IT'S NOT EVEN WHERE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.

- WHERE IS IT? - Ginny: IN THE MIDDLE OF HER FOOT.

WHICH SHOULDN'T EVEN COUNT 'CAUSE THAT'S NOT BALLET,

THAT'S D.N.A. THAT'S COUSIN-MAKING- BABIES TERRITORY.

BUT IT'S SUPER GROSS, SO THEY ALWAYS WIN.

WE'VE COME IN THIRD FOUR TIMES

AND SECOND TWICE, BUT WE'VE NEVER WON.

HOW ARE YOUR FEET?

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I'VE BEEN ON POINT.

- SORRY. - OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.

PROFESSIONAL GROSS FOOT WOULD REALLY PUT US

OVER THE TOP. HEY, BOO.

THAT BLISTER WOULD BE A LOT MORE DISGUSTING IF IT POPPED.

OH, RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, GOOD LUCK. GAH.

OKAY. YEAH. TEXT ME WITH THE WINNER.

OKAY, WE WILL.

- YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU MY NUMBER? - OH, WE HAVE YOUR NUMBER.

- YOU DO? - EVERYBODY HAS YOUR NUMBER.

- REALLY? - YEP.

THORNTON WILDER SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED

THE CREEPY SIDE OF SMALL TOWN LIFE.

- WHO? - NO ONE. HE WAS IN MENUDO.

- WHO? - I'M GONNA GO BE OLD NOW.

OKAY, BYE.

MY BIG TOENAIL JUST CAME OFF!

MY BIG TOENAIL JUST CAME OFF.

YES! SUCK IT, LA CANADA.

SO.

WHO KNEW THE GAS STATION

ALSO HAS A FINE BAKERY SECTION.

WELL, IT DOES. SO I GOT US SOME BREAKFAST,

AND NOW I'M GONNA MAKE US SOME COFFEE

THAT ISN'T COMPLETELY SEE THROUGH.

I'M SORRY, I DON'T EAT BREAKFAST.

HOLD THAT DECISION UNTIL YOU SEE WHAT I BOUGHT.

SCONES. HUH?

FEELING THE "DOWNTOWN ABBEY"?

NOW HERE'S THE THING I DON'T UNDERSTAND

ABOUT SCONES-- ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO BE HARD?

I MEAN, LIKE, THIS HARD?

BECAUSE THIS ONE'S LIKE A ROCK

WITH WEIRD TEENY-TINY RAISINS IN IT.

- CURRANTS. - EXCUSE ME?

THE SMALL RAISINS ARE CALLED CURRANTS.

OH, YOU'RE A TEA PERSON.

THAT EXPLAINS THE EXTENSIVE SCONE KNOWLEDGE.

I'M SORRY?

OH, THE KETTLE.

YES. I'LL EXPLAIN.

THIS TEA KETTLE ACTUALLY CAME WITH THE HOUSE.

IT WAS UNDER THE SINK WHEN WE MOVED IN.

SO IT BELONGED TO THE PEOPLE WHO LIVED HERE

BEFORE WE DID, SO I FIGURED

IT WAS LEGAL TO USE.

- LEGAL? - NOW THAT ONE.

THE SHINY, NEW, CLEAN ONE,

OF COURSE IS YOURS NOW.

- OH, BOY. - THIS ONE IS A BIT RUSTY,

AND THERE DO SEEM TO BE SOME HOLES

AROUND THE SIDE HERE.

BUT I FIGURE IF I DON'T FILL IT TOO FULL

AND I STOP IT BEFORE IT COMPLETELY BOILS,

I MIGHT BE ABLE TO ALMOST HAVE ENOUGH

- FOR A SINGLE CUP OF TEA. - PLEASE STOP.

NOW, WATER--

WATER COULD BE A PROBLEM.

BECAUSE THE PIPES ARE YOURS,

THE SINK IS YOURS

AND THE FAUCET IS YOURS.

I GUESS I COULD TAP INTO THE COUNTY WELL WATER,

OR MAYBE TAKE A BUCKET OUT TO THE AQUEDUCT,

OR THERE'S POND WATER,

OR THAT POTHOLE

ON HIGHWAY THREE SHOULD STILL HAVE

SOME RAINWATER IN IT FROM THE OTHER NIGHT.

MAYBE I COULD BUILD A FIRE

AND BOIL THE INSECTS OUT.

I SHOULD SIT, RIGHT?

NOW, AS SOMEONE WHO HAS NEVER OWNED ANYTHING,

I SHOULD HAVE HAD A PLAN FOR THIS.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS WOULD HAPPEN.

I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT THROUGH.

- I APOLOGIZE. - GOOD.

I WILL FIGURE ALL THIS OUT VERY SOON.

BUT IN THE MEANTIME,

I WOULD REALLY LIKE

A PARTIAL CUP OF RUSTY TEA.

SO HOW ABOUT, JUST FOR TODAY,

IN EXCHANGE FOR THE WATER

- I GIVE YOU A DIME? - NO.

ALL RIGHT, A QUARTER.

NOW.

A MUG, A MUG, A MUG.

FANNY PLEASE JUST TAKE A MUG.

HUBBELL MADE THIS FOR ME

WHEN HE WAS SIX.

OF COURSE IT'S TOXIC

AND CONTAINS LEAD PAINT, BUT IT WAS A GIFT.

AND HERE'S WHERE I'M CONFUSED--

ARE GIFTS YOURS, TOO?

SHOULD WE CALL THE LAWYER BEFORE I POUR MY TEA?

FANNY, CAN WE PLEASE JUST TALK ABOUT THIS?

- TALK ABOUT WHAT? THE FACT IT I'M HOMELESS? - YOU'RE NOT HOMELESS.

- TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT I'M JOBLESS? - YOU'RE NOT JOBLESS!

AS OF TODAY, YOU OWN THE BALLET SCHOOL.

NO, YOU OWN THE SCHOOL. I JUST OWN THE BUILDING

AND THE LAND THE SCHOOL IS SITTING ON.

I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

IT'S TRUE. WHY NOT SAY IT?

MY SON HAS THROWN ME OUT INTO THE COLD.

HE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE PUT ME ON AN ICEBERG AND PUSHED ME OUT TO SEA.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS. WE'RE MILES FROM THE NEAREST ICEBERG.

HOW COCKY BEING LAND RICH HAS MADE YOU.

FANNY, HUBBELL LOVE YOU. YOU KNOW THAT.

I MEAN, THE MAN LIVED WITH YOU FOR 48 YEARS.

THAT'S LOVE. IT'S BORDERLINE PSYCHOTIC, BUT IT'S LOVE.

THINK ABOUT IT, FANNY.

PEOPLE DON'T EXPECT TO PASS AWAY

BEFORE THEIR PARENTS. IT'S NOT NATURAL.

HUBBELL OBVIOUSLY ASSUMED, BY THE TIME HE--

YOU KNOW, THAT YOU WOULD ALREADY BE...

DEAD?

NO.

I MEAN, WELL... YOU ARE--

- OLD? - NO! I MEAN--

WELL, YEAH, COMPARATIVELY SPEAKING.

THIS WAS NOT MY IDEA!

I NEVER WANTED ALL OF THIS.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU EXISTED WHEN I GOT MARRIED.

WELL, THAT'S NICE. I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW.

OH, YOU'RE SO EXHAUSTING.

WE OLD PEOPLE USUALLY ARE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T WANT TEA.

TAKE THE MUG. TAKE THE POT.

I HAVE A CLASS TO TEACH.

[ students chattering ]

- HI. - JEEZ.

DON'T EVER SNEAK UP ON SOMEONE READING THE WORDS

"AMIDST A BLOODY AFTERMATH."

OH, SORRY.

PICK A HAND.

THAT ONE.

- FOR YOU. - A SNOOD.

SO COOL.

I MADE IT FOR THE JOFFREY AUDITIONS.

IT'S LUCKY.

OOH. A LUCKY SNOOD.

YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO DANCE NOW.

IT'S PERFECT. I LOVE IT.

- PUT IT ON? - YEP.

- YOU GUYS CAN SIT THERE. - Boy: SO HOW LONG IS THIS THING?

MY CLASS IS AN HOUR AND A HALF.

- SERIOUSLY? - OH MY GOD.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU DRIVEN ME TO BALLET CLASS?

Boy: I KNOW, BUT IT USED TO BE SHORTER.

- IT WAS NEVER SHORTER. - YOU SAID IT WAS SHORTER.

LAST MONTH IT WAS TOTALLY SHORTER.

NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF EXISTING

HAS IT EVER BEEN SHORTER THAN IT IS NOW.

- WE'RE MEETING BUD AND MELON AT 6:00. - MY CLASS IS TILL 6:30.

- Boy 2: NOT GONNA WORK. - Boy: WE'RE MEETING THEM AT 6:00.

- THAT'S A LOT OF MIRRORS. - IT'S A BALLET STUDIO, GENIUS.

- JUST DUCK OUT EARLY. - YEAH, BEFORE THE SWAN DIES.

WHAT? I'M NOT A BARBARIAN.

- I'M NOT DUCKING OUT EARLY. - THEN BAIL NOW.

NO.

DUDE, HANDLE THIS. SHE'S EIGHT.

HEY, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO HAD TO HAVE YOUR "RISKY BUSINESS" MOMENT

WHEN MOM AND DAD WENT TO TAHOE.

SO UNTIL THEY SAY OTHERWISE, I OWN YOU.

I COULD MAKE YOU DRESS UP LIKE ANTHONY HOPKINS

IN "REMAINS OF THE DAY" AND SERVE ME TEA,

BUT INSTEAD ALL YOU HAVE TO DO

IS SIT ON YOUR BUTT AND WATCH A ROOM FULL OF GIRLS

JUMP AROUND UNTIL SIX-FRICKEN-30.

BUT WE'RE MEETING AT 6:00.

HELLO, MOM?

FINE. WE'RE HERE. GO SPIN.

MELANIE!

[ whispers ] WHY IS YOUR BROTHER HERE?

[ mouths ]

WHY IS CHARLIE HERE?

[ mouths ]

WHY IS CHAR--

OH, NEVER MIND. I'M COMING DOWN.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE, PLACES AT THE BARRE.

WHAT IS YOUR BROTHER DOING HERE?

OUR PARENTS CAUGHT HIM WITH BEER ON HIS BREATH LAST WEEKEND,

AND DRIVING ME EVERYWHERE I WANT IS HIS PUNISHMENT.

WHY DIDN'T YOU GIVE ME A HEADS UP?

- WHAT FOR? - SO I COULD...

YOU KNOW, DO STUFF TO MYSELF.

- LIKE WHAT? - I DON'T KNOW-- MAKE-UP,

DIFFERENT LEOTARD, BAG OVER MY HEAD.

I CAN WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE ALL DONE TALKING IF YOU LIKE.

THANK YOU.

- [ piano music playing ] - PLIES.

AND DEMI AND STRAIGHT.

DEMI AND STRAIGHT.

AND GRAND.

VERY SUBTLE, BOO.

- HELLO. - HI THERE.

I'M CLAIRE. I'M GINNY'S MOM.

WE MET LAST NIGHT, BUT I'M JUST SURE IT WAS A BIG BLUR

- FOR YOU. - RIGHT. CLAIRE.

GINNY'S MOM. YES, HI.

I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH SHE TALKS ABOUT YOU,

ABOUT YOUR CAREER AS A SHOWGIRL IN VEGAS.

- I HAVE TO ADMIT, I'M A LITTLE JEALOUS. - OH, WELL, DON'T BE.

I JUST WANTED TO OFFER MY CONDOLENCES AGAIN.

- HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP? - UM.

OF COURSE. HOW COULD YOU BE HOLDING UP?

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW,

I'M HERE FOR YOU IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,

ANYTHING AT ALL. AND I BROUGHT MY FAMOUS

TACO-IN-A-BAG CASSEROLE.

TACO-IN-A-BAG?

OH, IT'S AN OLD GIRL SCOUT DISH.

EVERY CAMPER GETS A BAG OF CHIPS,

THEY PUT IN THEIR FAVORITE TACO FIXINGS,

THEY CRUNCH IT ALL UP,

AND VOILA. YOU GOT TACO IN A BAG.

IT LOOKS REVOLTING,

BUT IT TASTES LIKE HEAVEN.

OH, AND IT'S TERRIBLE FOR YOU.

PERFECT.

I'LL POP THIS IN THE FRIDGE.

- OH, VERY SAD SELECTION. - YEAH, THE BEST ONES WERE EATEN

AT THE MEMORIAL THE OTHER NIGHT. THESE ARE THE REJECTS.

ANYWAY, I'LL GET OUT OF YOUR HAIR.

JUST CALL ME IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU.

- I WILL. - YOU KNOW, THE DAY I LOST MY HUSBAND

WAS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

OF COURSE I LOST HIM TO THE DIVORCEE

IN THE JEGGINGS ACROSS THE STREET

AND NOT IN A CAR ACCIDENT,

BUT IT STILL HURT.

- I'M SURE. - BUT YOU.

YOU POOR THING.

HUBBELL DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE YOU,

NOT THE WAY GIL LEFT ME.

YOU WERE STILL NEWLYWEDS,

STILL IN LOVE.

AND NOW YOU'RE HERE IN A NEW TOWN,

IN A STRANGE HOUSE, ALL ALONE.

- MUST BE OVERWHELMING. - I THINK I'M STILL IN THE NUMB PHASE.

OVERWHELMING IS PROBABLY ON THE WAY.

AND ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE,

TO BE BURDENED DOWN WITH ALL THIS,

- I CAN'T IMAGINE. - ALL OF WHAT?

- ALL THIS. - OH, WELL, THIS IS FANNY'S STUFF.

SHE LIKES THINGS THAT STARE.

OH, NO, SWEETIE, I DON'T MEAN THAT.

I MEAN ALL OF THIS--

THE HOUSE, THE LAND.

OH, WOW. NEWS TRAVELS FAST.

AROUND HERE, LIKE A BULLET TRAIN.

- YOU EVER OWN LAND BEFORE? - I'VE NEVER OWNED ANYTHING BEFORE.

I STILL HAVE A LEATHER JACKET ON LAYAWAY AT THE FORUM SHOPS.

OH, IT'S A BIG RESPONSIBILITY.

THE UPKEEP-- IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN.

ANYHOW, IF YOU SHOULD DECIDE

THAT THIS IS ALL JUST TOO MUCH FOR YOU,

YOU COULD GIVE ME A CALL.

GIVE YOU A CALL TO DO?

YOU'RE A REAL ESTATE AGENT?

TOP SALESPERSON THREE YEARS RUNNING.

USED TO BE PART TIME,

AND THEN GIL RAN OFF WITH THAT WHORE

WHO REFUSED TO BRING HER BARRELS IN IN THE MORNING.

THAT'S HOW SHE HOOKED HIM.

FINALLY OFFERED TO BRING THEM IN FOR HER,

AND IT WAS ALL OVER.

TRASH! HOOKED HIM WITH TRASH.

YOU'RE GETTING OVER IT VERY WELL.

I KNOW. BUT IF YOU EVER DECIDE

THAT YOU WANT TO SELL THIS PLACE,

I KNOW I COULD GET YOU A REALLY GOOD PRICE

OH, AND I HAVE THE MOST ADORABLE

BEACH CONDOS THAT ARE JUST PERFECT

FOR A SINGLE GIRL LIKE YOURSELF

BECAUSE ANY WAY YOU SLICE IT,

SEVEN ACRES IS A LOT.

UH-- I'M SORRY, HOW MANY ACRES?

HUBBELL BOUGHT THE PLACE AND WAS SLOWLY FIXING IT UP.

HE GOT TO THE HOUSE, THE STUDIO

AND A COUPLE OF THE OTHER STRUCTURES,

- YOU SEE THESE TREES? - YES.

THEY ARE IN DESPERATE NEED OF SOME THINNING.

YOU SHOULD TAKE SOME OUT.

- THEY'RE TOO CROWDED. - INTIMACY ISSUES?

THEY'RE GONNA LEAD TO A SQUIRREL POPULATION EXPLOSION.

HUBBELL WAS GONNA TAKE CARE OF THAT

LAST YEAR, BUT NEVER WENT THROUGH WITH IT.

I THINK THE PRICE PROBABLY SCARED HIM OFF.

WONDER IF HE EVER TOOK CARE OF THAT ROOT ROT.

OH, SO HOW MUCH WOULD IT COST TO THIN THE TREES

SO THE SQUIRRELS DON'T EXPLODE?

30 TO 40, DEPENDING ON HOW MANY TREES YOU HAVE,

AND YOU HAVE A LOT OF TREES.

$40,000?

HOW'S YOUR DRAINAGE?

- DO YOU KNOW? - NO.

YOU SHOULD FIND OUT.

PLUS YOU SHOULD HAVE THAT LAKE DREDGED,

IT'S BEEN AWHILE.

I HAVE A LAKE?

YOU HAVE ONE LAKE AND TWO SWAMPY PONDS.

PLUS GEESE WHICH MEANS GOOSE POOP.

[ sniffs ]

WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT'S DOWN THERE?

WHAT'S THE STATUS OF YOUR SEPTIC TANK?

MY...?

WE'RE NOT ON A SEWER SYSTEM OUT HERE.

YOU HAVE A SEPTIC SYSTEM.

OH, OKAY. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN EXACTLY?

IT MEANS ALL YOUR HOUSEHOLD WASTE

IS PIPED INTO THE GROUND BEHIND YOUR HOUSE

AND IT STAYS THERE.

- WHAT? - SO YOU HAVE TO

HAVE A COMPANY COME OUT AND SERVICE IT.

- SERVICE IT? - SUCK IT OUT.

GOOD LORD.

DO YOU KNOW YOUR SERVICE SCHEDULE?

- NO. - THAT'S OKAY.

YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU NEED

- TO HAVE THEM OUT. - HOW?

HOW WILL I KNOW WHEN TO HAVE THE MEN

WITH THE TUBES COME SUCK THE WASTE

OUT OF THE GROUND?

YOU'LL SMELL IT.

OH, SURE.

AND YOU'LL FEEL IT.

GREAT.

IT'S A LOT, I KNOW.

- MM-HMM. - AND FANNY'S REALLY

NO HELP WITH THIS BECAUSE SHE'S AN ARTIST.

I GOT VISUALS.

ALL SORTS OF VISUALS.

WHAT'S THIS? THE VOMITORIUM?

[ chuckles ]

OH, WOW. SO PRETTY.

Claire: THAT WAS HUBBELL'S.

Michelle: REALLY?

HE REBUILT IT ENTIRELY FROM PIECES

HE TRACKED DOWN ON THE INTERNET.

HE WOULD DRIVE IT IN THE 4th OF JULY PARADE

EVERY YEAR IF HE WAS IN TOWN.

THAT CAR WAS HIS PRIDE AND JOY.

BUT THE VOLVO.

OH, THAT WAS FOR WORK.

THIS WAS FOR LOVE.

[ piano music playing ]

WHO KNEW THE SEPTIC SYSTEM WOULDN'T BE THE WORST THING

- YOU TOLD ME TODAY. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

AH! MY GOD, YOU SCARED ME.

CLAIRE WAS JUST TELLING ME

HOW IF SOMEONE IS BITTEN ON YOUR PROPERTY

BY A RABID ANIMAL, THEY CAN SUE

IF THEY DON'T DIE.

IF THEY DO DIE, THE FAMILY CAN SUE.

WE NEED UMBRELLA INSURANCE.

DO WE HAVE IT? 'CAUSE WE NEED IT.

YOU'RE SELLING?

WHAT?

MY HOME. MY LIVELIHOOD.

ALL I HAVE LEFT IN THIS WORLD?

WHAT? NO, NO. I--

ARE YOU THROWING IN THE MUG

AND THE RUSTY TEA KETTLE

FOR AN ALL-CASH OFFER?

NO, I JUST--

THEN WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE?

WELL, SHE SHOWED UP WITH THE BAG FOOD THING--

YOU CALLED HER HERE?

YOU CALLED HER HERE TO SELL MY HOUSE?

OKAY, I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE YOU TWO LADIES TO IT.

YOU HAVE MY MAGNET.

SHE GAVE YOU A MAGNET?

I DID NOT TELL HER I WAS SELLING YOUR HOUSE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL HER.

NO ONE TELLS CLAIR ANYTHING.

SHE GAVE YOU A MAGNET.

IT'S SOLD. LET'S GET BOXES.

FANNY, PLEASE CALM DOWN.

I HAVE LIVED IN THIS TOWN FOR OVER 40 YEARS.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT'S LIKE?

OF COURSE NOT.

WELL, I'M NOT A GYPSY, FANNY.

I DIDN'T TRAVEL WITH THE CIRCUS.

THIS IS MY HOME.

MY HOME. NOT YOURS.

YOU KNOW, I'M TRYING, FANNY.

I'M TRYING HARD. I BROUGHT YOU SCONES.

FROM A GAS STATION.

IT HAD A PASTRY SECTION.

AND I'M NEW AROUND HERE,

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

I WANT YOU TO LEAVE MY HOUSE ALONE.

- FINE. - YOU'RE NOT WANTED.

- GOT IT. - YOU'RE AN INTERLOPER.

DULY NOTED!

[ pop music playing ]

♪ HEY

♪ HEY

♪ HEY

♪ HEY.

[ engine sputters ]

[ piano music playing ]

HEY, BOO.

YOU SHOULD GO UP FRONT TODAY.

WHAT? NO.

COME ON.

I DON'T STAND IN THE FRONT, MELANIE.

- EVER. - WELL, YOU SHOULD TODAY,

SO YOU CAN DANCE IN FRONT OF MY BROTHER.

- Boo: NUH-UH. - BOO, YOU HAVE TO.

CHARLIE WILL NEVER SEE YOU BACK HERE.

IF CHARLIE WANTS TO NOTICE ME,

HE CAN NOTICE ME BACK HERE,

IN THE BACK.

HE'S NOT THAT OBSERVANT.

ONE TIME HE FELL ASLEEP WITH AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH

IN HIS BED.

OUR MOM FOUND IT A WEEK LATER

WHEN THE SMELL FINALLY LEAKED OUT

INTO THE HALLWAY.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

IT'S SO TRUE.

HE'S A MORON. BUT YOU LIKE HIM,

SO GET UP THERE.

I CAN'T.

BOO, THE GUY SLEPT WITH A SANDWICH

FOR A WEEK AND HAD NO CLUE.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE. THAT'S ENOUGH.

CENTER OF THE FLOOR FOR REVERENCE.

- OKAY, I'M GOING IN. - WAIT.

PRETTY.

AND THE GLARE MIGHT ATTRACT HIS ATTENTION.

THANKS.

GOD, BOO.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE HIM A LAP DANCE?

OH, BOO. LOOK AT YOU

IN THE FRONT OF THE ROOM.

GOOD FOR YOU. GET UP THERE.

STAY UP THERE.

MORE, PLEASE.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN THE FRONT,

THEN BE IN THE FRONT.

VERY GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE. READY, AND--

[ piano music playing ]

[ radio chattering ]

HEY, THERE.

- I'M LOU. - HEY, LOU.

UH, JUST GIVE ME A SECOND,

I GOT THE HELICOPTER HAT ON,

I'M FLYING, I'M FLYING, I'M FLYING!

- [ game noise ] - OH.

DARN. WELL, IT'S BEEN THAT KIND OF DAY.

YOU CALL FOR A TOW?

UH, YEAH. BLESS YOU.

UM, I WAS PULLING ONTO THIS ROAD,

AND I GUESS I TURNED THE WHEEL PRETTY SHARPLY,

AND THERE WAS A CLANG OR MAYBE A CLUNK,

AND THEN IT JUST STOPPED DEAD.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S A TRANSMISSION THING,

OR A BRAKE THING, OR AN OIL THING,

OR MAYBE BECAUSE I TURNED THE STEERING WHEEL

SO FAST, IT COULD BE A STEERING WHEEL THING.

FEEL FREE TO JUMP IN ANY TIME HERE.

CAN'T DIAGNOSE IT WITHOUT TAKING A LOOK.

WELL, COME ON UP HERE AND TAKE A LOOK.

CAN'T.

YOU CAN'T LOOK AT MY CAR?

NOPE. SORRY.

WELL, ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

YUP.

OKAY.

WELL, CAN YOU JUST TOW IT FOR ME THEN?

CAN'T DO THAT EITHER.

ISN'T THAT ANOTHER THING YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

YUP.

ARE YOU ABOUT TO TELL ME THAT THERE'S NO GORGONZOLA?

'CAUSE THIS IS STARTING TO FEEL LIKE

THE MONTE PYTHON CHEESE SHOP SKETCH.

YOU'RE ON A PRIVATE ROAD.

I AM?

OH, I DON'T SEE A SIGN.

THERE IS NO SIGN.

IT'S JUST THAT NOBODY'S ALLOWED

TO DRIVE ON THAT ROAD

WITHOUT PERMISSION.

OH.

OH, OKAY, I GET IT.

YOU CAN'T DRIVE ON THE PRIVATE ROAD,

BUT I'M, LIKE, BARELY ON IT.

IT'S STILL A PRIVATE ROAD.

YEAH, BUT THERE'S NO SIGN.

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

WELL, A PRIVATE ROAD'S A PRIVATE ROAD.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

YEAH, BUT I'M NEW.

- LIVE AND LEARN. - WOW.

LESSON LEARNED.

UM, SO HOW DO I GET THIS TOWED THEN?

I'D NEED PERMISSION.

HOW DO WE GET PERMISSION?

YOU GOTTA GET IT FROM THE ROAD'S OWNER.

[ chatter from radio ]

YEAH, THIS IS 37. I'M AVAILABLE AGAIN.

WHOA, WHOA. NO, NO, NOT YET.

UH, THIS OWNER, DOES HE HAVE A NAME?

UH, MOST EVERYBODY SAYS IT'S BILL.

MOST EVERYBODY? IS THERE NOT, LIKE, A CONSENSUS?

WELL, HE'S JUST SOME RICH GUY

THAT BOUGHT A LOT OF LAND

AND BUILT A BIG HOUSE

WHO NOBODY TALKS TO

OR HAS SEEN.

WE THINK.

SUPPOSEDLY MADE HIS MONEY

IN SILICON VALLEY,

OR POSSIBLY SOMETHING TO DO WITH

ILLEGAL INTERNATIONAL ORGAN TRANSPLANTS.

I'VE HEARD SOMETHING

ABOUT PIG HEART VALVES

MADE OUT OF SILICONE,

BUT I THINK THAT'S JUST SOMETHING

THAT SOMEBODY MADE UP.

WHATEVER IT IS,

HE MADE A BUCKETLOAD OF MONEY.

WELL, WHERE WOULD I FIND THIS

SILICONE-PIG-HEART GUY

WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE NAMED BILL?

UP THE ROAD.

OKAY.

FINE.

YOU JUST WAIT HERE

AND I WILL SKADOODLE ON UP THERE

AND ASK THE GUY WHO MIGHT BE NAMED BILL

FOR PERMISSION TO GET MY CAR TOWED OFF HIS ROAD.

OH, UH.

I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

WHY, LOU? WHY?

WELL, AWHILE BACK, TWO COUNTY WORKERS

WENT UP THERE TO DISCUSS

PUTTING IN A CELLPHONE TOWER

AND NO ONE EVER SAW THEM AGAIN.

YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT TWO PEOPLE

WENT UP THERE, DISAPPEARED,

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM?

PRIVATE ROAD.

[ car door opens ]

- HEY-O, CLAYTON. - HEY, LOU.

THANK GOD. OFFICER CLAYTON,

WILL YOU PLEASE GIVE LOU PERMISSION

TO MOVE HIS TRUCK THREE FEET

SO I CAN GET A TOW?

OH, BOY.

LET ME GUESS. PRIVATE ROAD?

- PRIVATE ROAD. - ALL RIGHT,

FIRST OF ALL, MAY I POINT OUT

THAT THERE'S NO SIGNS?

OH, WE DON'T LIKE SIGNS AROUND HERE,

MARS THE LANDSCAPE.

DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE ENTERING

A PRIVATE ROAD?

NO, 'CAUSE THERE'S NO SIGN!

NO NEED TO YELL.

I'M NOT YELLING!

ALL RIGHT, I'M YELLING A LITTLE BIT,

BUT THERE IS NO SIGN!

EVERYBODY AROUND HERE KNOWS

THAT'S A PRIVATE ROAD.

[ groans ] WELL, I'M FREAKIN' NEW.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NOTHING JUST YET.

YOU'RE WRITING. WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?

GOTTA GIVE YOU A TICKET.

A TICKET? FOR WHAT?

WELL, TRESPASSING FOR STARTERS.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

PLEASE, LET'S KEEP THE TONE CIVIL, MA'AM

AND COULD YOU COME ON DOWN HERE, PLEASE?

NO.

- NO? - NO. YOU COME UP HERE.

IT'S A PRIVATE ROAD.

WELL, NOW, IF I HAVE TO

COME UP THERE,

IT'S NOT GONNA BE GOOD.

MAKE MY DAY.

WELL.

THIS MUST BE SOME KIND OF RECORD FOR YOU.

THREE DAYS IN A NEW TOWN

AND YOU'RE ALREADY HANDCUFFED

IN THE BACK OF A POLICE CAR.

I'M ZIP-TIED. NOT HANDCUFFED.

OH. IS THERE A DIFFERENCE?

THERE'S SO MANY INTERESTING THINGS

- I CAN LEARN FROM YOU. - THIS IS BEYOND RIDICULOUS.

I HAVE RIGHTS!

IF I WERE YOU, I'D KEEP THAT SENTIMENT

TO MYSELF.

COME ON. I SPRUNG YOU.

IS THAT THE PROPER LINGO?

OH GOD.

ALL RIGHT, CLAYTON. I'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE.

WE'LL JUST CALL IT A MISUNDERSTANDING.

THANK YOU.

MM-HMM.

YOU'RE JUST LUCKY I SWING DANCE

WITH THE POLICE CHIEF.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I GOTTA GET HUBBELL'S CAR BACK.

AND HOW DO YOU PLAN TO DO THAT, EXACTLY?

I THINK I'M GONNA FLY BY THE SEAT OF MY PANTS ON THIS ONE.

YOU JUST GOT ARRESTED FOR DOING

WHAT YOU'RE DOING AGAIN.

WELL, FORTUNATELY, MY MOTHER-IN-LAW

SWING DANCES WITH THE POLICE CHIEF.

[ sighs ]

[ girls chattering, giggling ]

COME ON, BOO. SLEEP OVER.

THANKS, BUT I'M REALLY NOT IN THE MOOD.

IF YOU COME, IT'LL BE A REAL SLEEP OVER PARTY

INSTEAD OF JUST ME AND MEL SLEEPING TOGETHER.

- MM. - THAT SOUNDED WRONG.

IT SOUNDED LIKE YOU ARE MY LOV-AH.

AND I AM NOT YOUR LOV-AH.

YOU GUYS ARE NUTS.

DON'T YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT

- WITH MY BROTHER? - WE CAN HELP.

WE'LL COME UP WITH A PLAN.

I THINK CHARLIE'S HAD ENOUGH OF ME

FOR ONE DAY.

I'M JUST GONNA GO HOME,

SIT IN A DARK CLOSET

WHERE NO ONE CAN STARE AT ME.

I COULD KILL SASHA.

I KNOW. SOMETIMES SHE'S SO AWFUL.

SERIOUSLY, I WAS READY TO STRANGLE HER.

AND SHE'S GOT THAT SKINNY STRANGLABLE NECK.

Melanie: MINIMAL EFFORT REQUIRED.

Ginny: I KNOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE

A MEAN GIRLFRIEND IN HIGH SCHOOL--

I'VE SEEN ALL THE MOVIES--

BUT THIS IS GETTING REALLY EXHAUSTING.

YEAH, ONE DAY SHE'S NICE,

THE NEXT DAY, SHE'S THIS.

HMM. WE SHOULD FORCE HER TO WEAR A SIGN

SO WE'RE PREPARED.

YEAH. "HI, I'M SASHA,

AND TODAY I'M GOING TO BE A COLOSSAL BITCH."

YOU SHOULDN'T TALK ABOUT SASHA LIKE THAT

BEHIND HER BACK.

SHE WAS SO MEAN TO YOU TODAY IN CLASS.

SHE'S HAVING A BAD DAY.

SEEMS LIKE EVERY DAY NOWADAYS

IS A BAD DAY.

SERIOUSLY, BOO. HOW CAN YOU DEFEND HER

AFTER WHAT SHE DID?

WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE'S GOING THROUGH?

SHE'S GOT A LOT OF ISSUES

AND WEIRD THINGS GOING ON AT HOME.

AND THAT'S PROBABLY WHY SHE ACTS THAT WAY.

AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE

IT ALL TOGETHER, BUT WHO KNOWS

WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON?

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO BE ME, BOO.

SO DON'T PSYCHOANALYZE ME,

FEEL SORRY FOR ME OR DEFEND ME.

I'M FINE.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO HIDE

IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM.

[ people chattering ]

COME ON, LET'S GO.

- BYE. - BYE.

GIRLS.

HEY, NANETTE, MAKE BOO CHANGE HER MIND

AND COME SLEEP OVER.

YEAH, WE NEED HER.

WE DO. WE BORE EACH OTHER.

- A LOT. - [ laughs ]

YOUR FRIENDS ARE HAVING A SLEEP OVER.

WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO GO?

OH, BECAUSE,

I HAVE HOMEWORK, AND THE ADULT THING TO DO

IS TO STAY HOME AND DO IT.

OKAY, BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD GO.

- WHY? - BECAUSE YOU'RE ONLY YOUNG ONCE,

AND DINNER AT HOME TONIGHT

IS GOING TO BE TERRIBLE.

I'M SERIOUS. SAVE YOURSELF.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WELL I FINALLY MADE A RECIPE

FROM THAT NEW LIGHT COOKBOOK,

THE ONE YOU MADE ME BUY.

- THANKS, MOM. - DO NOT THANK ME.

I AM THANKING YOU.

IT'S LIGHT MACARONI AND CHEESE.

THEN DOUBLE THANK YOU.

YEAH, SEE, THERE'S A SMELL.

A SMELL?

THE ENTIRE HOUSE SMELLS.

NOW I HAVE NEVER SMELLED A DEAD FOOT BEFORE

- BUT-- - I'M SURE DINNER

WILL BE HEALTHY, AND GOOD,

AND I LOVE YOU FOR TRYING.

SNIFF MY SHIRT.

WHAT?

SNIFF IT.

[ sniffs ]

[ laughs ]

TOLD YOU IT WAS BAD.

WOW. THAT IS...

- SO BAD. - DEAD FOOT?

- TOTAL DEAD FOOT. - [ laughing ]

HOW IS THAT SMELL EVEN POSSIBLE?

IT'S LIKE I CAN'T STOP MYSELF.

MAYBE THAT'S THE DIET.

[ laughing ]

NA-AH-AH-AH. LAP, PLEASE.

YOU WOULD NOT EVEN BELIEVE MY DAY. HARROWING.

"THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE" AND I'M SHELLY WINTERS.

I AM A KNOT, ONE GIANT KNOT.

I CAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT DINNER.

I'VE SCHEDULED A MASSAGE FOR TONIGHT.

HENRI JUST BARELY MANAGED TO SQUEEZE ME IN,

AND YOUR FATHER IS GOING TO BE OUT LATE

AGAIN.

SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

THERE'S TAKE-OUT

OR SOMETHING FROZEN.

I THINK.

DO YOU JUST WANT TO GO HAVE DINNER WITH YOUR FRIENDS?

NO.

OKAY.

[ panting ]

- HELLO. - WHY?

WHY, WHY DOES ANYONE HAVE TO LIVE SO FAR AWAY

FROM CIVILIZATION?

- PARDON ME? - I MEAN,

THIS PRIVATE ROAD OF YOURS

IS REALLY MISLEADING.

YOU GO UP A STRAIGHT-AWAY,

YOU THINK YOU'RE ALMOST AT THE HOUSE,

YOU ROUND A BEND, MORE STRAIGHT-AWAY.

SO YOU GO UP THAT, YOU ROUND A BEND,

MORE STRAIGHT-AWAY.

AND ON AND ON.

YOU GET SOME KIND OF DEAL

WITH STRAIGHT-AWAYS? YOU HAD A COUPON OR SOMETHING?

MAY I ASK WHO YOU ARE?

HAVE I NOT INTRODUCED MYSELF?

- NO. - YOU HAD NO SIGN.

- WHAT? - YOU HAVE NO PRIVATE-ROAD SIGN,

AND MY CAR DIED,

AND I GOT ARRESTED, AND I MUST SOUND LIKE A LOON.

IT'S ALL A BIG MISUNDERSTANDING,

- DO YOU HAVE ANY WATER? - SURE.

I'M GRANT.

OH, HAVE I STILL NOT INTRODUCED MYSELF?

- NO. - OH, IT'S THOSE STRAIGHT-AWAYS.

THEY SUCK THE POLITENESS RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD,

I'M MICHELLE.

COME ON IN, MICHELLE.

WAIT A SECOND.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THOSE CELL PHONE TOWER GUYS.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

OKAY.

YOU HAVE A VERY LARGE DOOR.

THAT'S WHAT ALL THE LADIES SAY.

WOW, THIS PLACE IS SO COOL.

I'LL GET THAT WATER FOR YOU.

OH, YOU HAVE A VIEW.

HELP ME OUT, WHAT SHOULD I BE LOOKING FOR?

UH, WHALES, DOLPHINS, SEALS.

UH, THERE'S A NUDE BEACH

ABOUT TWO MILES UP TO THE LEFT.

AAH! WHY IS IT THAT THE PEOPLE ON NUDE BEACHES...

ARE NEVER THE ONES YOU WANT TO SEE NAKED?

- I DON'T KNOW. - WHY DO YOU LOOK?

I CAN'T HELP IT.

IT'S A BIOLOGICAL DISASTER ZONE.

IT'S LIKE TWO MILES OF DALI PAINTINGS

WALKING AROUND FREE.

- [ sighs ] - [ chuckles ]

SO, YOUR CAR?

YES.

IT BROKE DOWN AT THE BASE OF THE ROAD,

AND NO ONE WILL TOW IT

BECAUSE IT'S A PRIVATE ROAD--

COMPLETELY UNMARKED, BY THE WAY.

I KEEP PUTTING SIGNS UP,

BUT THERE'S THIS LOCAL COP

WHO DRIVES BY AT NIGHT AND STEALS THEM.

- BAD MUSTACHE? - YEP.

THAT DUDE JUST TRIED TO ARREST ME.

I'M GONNA TALK TO MY CHAUFFEUR ABOUT YOUR CAR.

HE KNOWS CARS.

YOU HAVE A CHAUFFEUR?

WOW.

BARRY MANILOW HAS A CHAUFFEUR.

I WORKED WITH HIM A FEW TIMES IN VEGAS.

REALLY? AS WHAT?

DANCER.

I'M A DANCER. WAS A DANCER.

YOU QUIT?

MANILOW? NO NO, THE GIG ENDED.

BUT SERIOUSLY HOW MANY TIMES

CAN YOU HEAR "COPACABANA"

WITHOUT TOTALLY SIDING WITH RICO?

NO. YOU QUIT DANCING?

OH.

DID YOU KNOW THAT HE FLIES HOME EVERY NIGHT

TO PALM SPRINGS?

WHEN HE PLAYS VEGAS?

WHO?

MANILOW. JUST SO HE CAN SLEEP

IN HIS OWN BED. THAT'S RICH.

HEY, RUSTY. YEAH, I GOT A FRIEND

WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH HER CAR.

DO YOU MIND TAKING A LOOK AT IT?

YEAH, IT'S AT THE BASE OF THE DRIVEWAY. THANKS.

YOU'RE CALLING THAT AUTOBAHN YOU HAVE

ON YOUR PROPERTY A DRIVEWAY?

BOY, YOU ARE RICH.

YOU'RE MANILOW RICH.

SO TELL ME, WHAT INSPIRED YOU

TO BECOME THE MYSTERY MAN

OF PARADISE, CALIFORNIA ANYHOW?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, I BET YOU COULD LIVE

ANYWHERE YOU WANTED, WHY HERE?

WELL, I BOUGHT THIS PLACE YEARS AGO AS AN INVESTMENT,

BUT LATELY I'VE BEEN SPENDING

MORE AND MORE TIME HERE,

AND I LIKE IT.

I HIKE, I RIDE MY MOUNTAIN BIKE,

SURF, READ.

IT'S A NICE LIFE.

I JUST GOT HERE

TWO DAYS AGO.

I'M THAT GIRL, YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT MARRIED THE GUY

IN VEGAS. I'M NOT HAVING ANY WINE BY THE WAY.

THIS ISN'T FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW, WE CAME HERE,

THERE WAS A PARTY,

THERE WAS AN ACCIDENT.

IT WAS THE FRONT PAGE OF THE "PARADISE GAZETTE."

I DON'T GET THE "GAZETTE."

PAPER BOY WON'T COME UP THE--

PRIVATE ROAD.

OH, YEAH, SURE.

ANYHOW, UM,

NOW I'M HERE AND...

I'M KIND OF STUCK,

STUCK WITH A HOUSE AND ACREAGE,

LAKE, A COUPLE PONDS.

IT'S NOT ME, YOU KNOW?

I'M NOT A LAND OWNER.

I'M MORE OF A RENTER.

AND NOT A LAND RENTER EITHER,

AN APARTMENT RENTER--

A STUDIO APARTMENT RENTER.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TELL YOU

THE LONGEST LEASE I EVER SIGNED--

- SIX MONTHS. - I DIDN'T KNOW

THERE WERE SIX-MONTH LEASES.

OH, THERE ARE. AND I HAVE SIGNED THEM.

AND THEN WORRIED FOR THE NEXT FIVE MONTHS

THAT I WAS TRAPPED IN SOME HUGE, BINDING LEGAL COMMITMENT

THAT WOULD RUIN MY LIFE IF SOMETHING FABULOUS

CAME ALONG AND I COULDN'T SEIZE IT,

FOLLOW IT OR MOVE IN WITH IT.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM.

YES. THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT. I'M A FREE SPIRIT.

I'M A-- I'M A ROLLING STONE.

I'M A DUST IN THE AIR KIND OF GIRL.

WIND.

WIND. WHAT'S WIND TO YOU IS AIR TO ME, PAL.

POINT IS, I CAN'T BE NAILED DOWN.

I CAN'T WORRY ABOUT TERMITES,

OR CORROSION.

YOU KNOW THE LAST TIME I HAD A CONVERSATION

ABOUT SEPTIC TANKS?

- NOPE. - NEVER!

NEVER IS THE LAST TIME.

I HONESTLY DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS A SCENARIO

AFTER THE 1800s

WHERE PEOPLE CRAPPED IN THE GROUND BEHIND THEIR HOUSE

AND THEN JUST LEFT IT THERE.

BUT APPARENTLY THERE IS,

AND SUDDENLY, I'M THINKING ABOUT IT,

TALKING ABOUT IT.

I'M SEPTIC TANK GIRL.

I WOULDN'T REPEAT "SEPTIC TANK GIRL"

IF I WERE YOU.

YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT ONCE

AROUND HERE, AND IT STICKS.

THAT'S HOW I GOT THE NAME "BILL."

I COULD SELL THE PLACE.

IT'S MINE TO SELL.

I DON'T WANT ROOTS.

AND THE ROOTS ARE ROTTING ANYWAY.

- ROTTING? - MM.

THE TREE ROOTS-- THEY'RE ROTTING UNDERGROUND

AND ALL THE TREES ARE GONNA FALL DOWN

UNLESS I SPEND $40,000 ON THEM.

$40,000--

AND THE SEA AIR IS EATING EVERYTHING.

AND THE SQUIRRELS ARE ABOUT TO EXPLODE.

CAN I ASK YOU WHERE YOU GET

YOUR INFORMATION?

A REAL ESTATE AGENT.

OH, GOD. YOU'RE NOT DEALING WITH CLAIRE, ARE YOU?

DON'T LISTEN TO HER.

- REALLY? - CLAIRE'S AN IDIOT.

- SHE IS? - YEAH.

OH, GREAT.

YEAH. I THOUGHT THAT BARK BEETLE STUFF

SOUNDED FISHY.

BARK BEETLES? YOU HAVE BARK BEETLES?

- EESH. - EESH? WHY EESH?

WELL, THOSE ARE TOUGH.

CRAP.

NO, IT'S OKAY. THERE'S A SPRAY.

- A SPRAY? - YEAH.

WORKS LIKE MAGIC AND IT WON'T COST YOU

$40,000, NOT BY A LONG SHOT.

I GET YOUR POINT.

HOME OWNERSHIP ISN'T FOR EVERYONE.

IT'S A COMMITMENT.

YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE YOU REALLY WANT IT.

YEAH.

YOU CAN ALWAYS SELL.

AND SELL MY MOTHER-IN-LAW WITH IT.

I CAN'T DO THAT TO HER.

WELL, GIVE HER A CUT.

BIG CUT.

SHE COULD BUY A NICE CONDO,

AND YOU CAN GO HOME.

HOME. WHERE?

BACK TO VEGAS.

VEGAS ISN'T MY HOME.

IT'S JUST WHERE I LIVED

FOR THE PAST 8 YEARS.

GOD HELP ME IF VEGAS IS MY HOME.

IT'S NOBODY'S HOME. I TOLD YOU ABOUT MANILOW.

OKAY. SO-- SO IF NOT VEGAS,

THEN WHERE?

I MEAN IF YOU COULD GO LIVE ANYWHERE,

WHERE WOULD IT BE?

DOESN'T SOUND LIKE YOU HAVE ANYTHING

KEEPING YOU HERE.

SO WHERE?

[ cell phone ringing ]

OH, WOW. THEY WON.

- WHO DID? - THE GIRLS FROM THE DANCE STUDIO.

PART OF MY INHERITANCE.

THEY HAD THIS UGLIEST FEET COMPETITION

AND THEY WON!

THEY HAVE THE MOST DISGUSTING FEET

WHICH IS AWESOME AND... WOW.

TOTALLY TRUE. YIKES.

OH GOD. YEAH, WELL, GOOD FOR THEM.

A DANCER WITH A DANCE STUDIO.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING.

YEAH.

WELL.

YOU KNOW, I THINK I WILL HAVE SOME OF THAT WINE.

OH, THIS ISN'T FOR YOU.

IT ISN'T? I THOUGHT YOU WERE KIDDING.

NO, I HAVE SOMEBODY COMING IN A FEW MINUTES.

YOU HAVE A DATE?

IF SHE HASN'T BEEN ARRESTED, YES.

OH MY GOD. I'LL GET OUT OF YOUR WAY.

NO, IT'S OKAY. YOU CAN STAY UNTIL SHE GETS HERE.

NO, YOU'VE ALREADY DONE ENOUGH.

UM. I'LL GO CHECK WITH RUSTY

ON THE CAR.

THANK YOU, THOUGH. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I'LL SEE MYSELF OUT.

CAN I HAVE A RIDE?

- SURE. - THANK YOU.

BOY, YOU REALLY WANT TO GET

A GOOD SPOT FOR CLASS TOMORROW.

- WHAT YOU DOING? - LEAVING.

OH, DON'T LET ME CHASE YOU OUT OF A PLACE

YOU'RE REALLY NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN.

MADAME FANNY SAYS WE CAN COME HERE

ANY TIME WE WANT.

IT'S PRETTY LATE.

- IS IT? - NO CURFEW?

NOPE.

DO YOUR PARENTS KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?

NOPE.

WHERE DO THEY THINK YOU ARE?

IN MY BEDROOM.

WINDOW, TREE BRANCH, DRAINPIPE COMBO?

BACK STAIRCASE,

KITCHEN DOOR, SIDE GATE EXIT.

BOLD. AN IN-HOUSE ESCAPE.

WHAT IF THEY GO IN YOUR ROOM AND SEE YOU'RE NOT THERE?

THAT NEVER HAPPENS.

- BUT IF IT DID. - IT DOESN'T.

- LET'S PRETEND. - I'M NOT SIX.

HUMOR ME.

[ sighs ] THEN I'LL TELL THEM

I WAS AT GINNY'S, AND WE FELL ASLEEP,

AND I CALLED BUT NO ONE ANSWERED,

WHICH IS PERFECTLY PLAUSIBLE BECAUSE

THEY SLEEP WITH SUPERSONIC EARPLUGS,

AND THERE'S NO PHONE IN THEIR ROOM.

NICE. GOOD.

I OCCASIONALLY USED

THE "I WAS IN THE SCHOOL LIBRARY

AND THE JANITOR ACCIDENTALLY LOCKED ME IN.

AND THIS IS NOT A HICKEY ON MY NECK.

HOW COULD I GET A HICKEY LOCKED IN THE LIBRARY

ALL NIGHT?" STORY.

AND THEY BELIEVED THAT?

- YEP. - WERE THEY MORONS?

YEP.

YOU OKAY?

YEP.

BE SAFE GETTING HOME.

HELLO?

Man on TV: The entire area, and that means

more sunny skies and warm temperatures...

- [ door opens ] - [ continues speaking ]

[ TV shuts off ]

MAY I ASK WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

I'M DECANTING SOME WINE, FANNY.

AND WHEN I'M DONE,

I'M GOING TO POUR TWO GLASSES,

AND THEN I'M GOING TO EXPLAIN

HOW I THINK ALL THIS

- IS GOING TO WORK. - OH, REALLY?

YES.

SHOULD I START PACKING?

THIS IS YOUR HOME, FANNY.

HUBBELL WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO EVER FEEL

THAT IS ISN'T.

SO YOU'RE GOING TO STAY HERE

IN THIS HOUSE THAT YOU LOVE,

AND I'M GOING TO MOVE INTO THE GUEST HOUSE

BEHIND THE STUDIO.

AND THEN WHAT?

THAT'S ALL I GOT SO FAR.

NOT MUCH OF A PLAN.

ALL I KNOW

IS THAT YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE HERE

AND I'M GOING TO LIVE THERE,

AND TONIGHT

WE ARE GOING TO GET VERY,

VERY DRUNK.

HOW LONG IS THAT GOING TO TAKE?

A VERY...

VERY...

LONG...

TIME.