Original subtitles

Babies, hold on.

They're shooting at us.

I can't take them all!

I can't take them all!

Babies,

I didn't make it.

Sweetie.

My name is al pereira. I'm the sharpest private detective,

or as they say in the movies: "Private eye".

Highly private.

The son of a bitch is pretty funny.

I've seen this show a million times. You make me sick.

See you, bastard!

You're hot, naughty girl.

I was missing out on the party.

Very good.

Now you're doing it a lot better.

Hello. - What brings you here?

I'm just visiting.

The youth these days!

Look at him, he's a sugar daddy.

A sugar daddy is someone who pays all the bills.

Yes, but you never pay anything.

Let's be serious for a moment.

Why?

Because I say so.

Son of a bitch, you're gonna pay for it.

And then you hit it!

You gotta give it a slap. - Me?

Let's start at: "Son of a bitch."

Do I really slap the camera? Yes, whack it.

Really? - Yes.

Well, don't break it

but don't let it catch you by surprise.

Action!

Son of a bitch, you're gonna pay for it.

Irene, turn your back to the camera and stand very close to the mirror.

More to the right.

Over there.

When you're over there

you start moving to the rhythm of "blues in the night".

And then you slowly

lift

your dress.

Slowly, very slowly.

Slowly.

Carry on.

Carry on for a little while.

Move your ass slowly and rhythmically

while you're provoking him. Imagine he's the camera.

That's it, very nice.

Action!

Cut!

Shame on them!

Shame on them, with their tits and asses.

They're trying to lead us on the path of doom.

And they succeed, and how they succeed.

But all of this will end.

It will end.

It's too bad because those asses are really nice.

But it will all end.

Shame on me.

Life has forced al pereira to become

a sacristan.

May god confound them.

You are excommunicated, the three of you.

Politicians aren't what they used to be.

They are the ones who steal from us, but then...

When you hear about some stories! Like in berlusconi's case...

Well...

That's what has destroyed the Christian morality.

Enough, you shameless women. Get out! The three of you!

Get lost, the three of you. Shame on you.

Al pereira, you're a fag. - Fag.

Ask your mother who the fag is. Fag, fag.

The Dean of canterbury is my first cousin

and I will have the three of you excommunicated.

Fag. Queer. - Bye.

Being al pereira

means having to fulfill extremely unfair obligations.

But I will remain firm in my undying fate as an enforcer

despite all of the whores in the world that come here.

Let's get'em.

Don't move, you son of a bitch! Put it down.

I was expecting you at five.

Al, I miss your eyes, your hands... I miss fucking you!

Me too, baby.

When will this nightmare be over? When the producers decide.

When does your contract go until? I didn't sign anything.

Really? Of course not. I'm al pereira...

This is very old, it doesn't work.

It can fire in one direction or another and never hit you.

You can't kill me with this.

It's the only one I have. - So?

Get lost.

Come on.

Come on.

You're disappointing me, but you have a great ass.

Hi. - What's wrong?

I couldn't kill al pereira.

Why not? You only had to shoot him twice.

Yes, but he's so handsome. Come on.

And the gun was old. See, I told you.

Well, don't worry. We'll try again.

Really? Ok.

What would we become without the union's support?

Shameless fools.

You're evil and stupid.

I will punish you.

No dessert for one month!

You're despicable.

Shame on you. Shame on you!

Filthy women.

Fucking filthy women.

Whip them 25 times. Indecent daughters of Satan.

I will punish you very hard.

You have to become the way he is,

your father, the honorable fu manchu.

Bigger, more evil, tougher.

You have to become

very evil assassins.

You have to kill

or be killed.

Whores!

I'm going to kill those damn unionists.

Do you remember on the waterfront?

Not really, I saw it when I was a little girl.

There was a unionist who fucked it all up.

All of it? - Yes.

Not me.

You're really someone, don't you?

Where are you taking me? To the bedroom.

Hello.

Are you related to James Bond?

Almost related.

Actually, he's almost related to me.

Yes, right.

Tell us another.

They are like little girls:

Stupid and ridiculous

but cute.

I think he's getting quite horny.

Yes.

Hello, al.

Come here.

Come here. - Come here.

How boring.

Hello.

Come on.

Antonio, bend down. - Down?

While we're rehearsing I'll say: "Antonio!"

Don't look at me and ask: "What do I do now?"

As if this was your first movie. It's not a rehearsal.

We are supposed to be shooting.

And then you say: "Bend down now."

And I ask: "Should I bend down like this or sideways?"

Let's turn off the light and see.

No, you tell me.

You gotta tell me what I'm gonna do in the next scene.

Say: "And then bend down here."

Just say whatever I'll have to do

and I'll do it.

Alright? - Alright.

It's your call. - I told you.

Something was missing. I had to tell him: "He's stiff as a corpse."

Yes. And he shoots us and we die.

I did that randomly.

Yes, but it was fine.

Yes, but... well. Whatever he says.

Fine, let's go with that. Fine.

Look.

Keep on rolling.

He's stiff as a corpse.

The whims of life:

In two seconds, two bullets kill two whores.

Might god welcome them in his bosom.

Coming up soon: The latest adventures of...

Al pereira!

Cool fact: One son of a bitch less.

Your husband is a bastard. Your husband is a bastard.

Now stand over there, Irene. Over there.

But while moving your body.

Al pereira is mine. Al pereira is mine.

I've never had it like this.

Such a hard dick. Such a hard dick.

And the eastern wind.

And the eastern wind.

And...

I let one off. - / let one off.

Softly. - Softly.

Turn around.

I am al pereira.

Hello.

Pereira, you're a fag.

Feels good!

Learn from us! - Look.

Antonio!

I'm smoking while I'm waiting to fuck a gunman.

How fucked up!

Why am I thinking about a bastard like al pereira?

He's a jerk.

He has no authority.

He has no balls.

But I like him.

Fuck.

Fuck, man.

Look how much time it took us to get it right.

Well, let's see if we can.

I'm done. - Motors!

Rolling. - Action!

Minnesota in spring time... How funny.

Minnesota in spring time is like Ohio in winter.

How is winter in Ohio?

Just like Minnesota in spring.

But a little bit chillier.

I miss Texas. Why do you miss Texas?

I don't know, but I miss Texas.

Everyone misses something, right?

Don't you remember that song?

Which one? - / went to Texas...

I went to Texas and I came back.

Deep in the heart of Texas.

Don't you remember? - No.

You really don't know anything. Yes.

You don't know a thing about the culture of your own country.

Exactly.

You're from Texas, right?

Right?

Yes, but I'm from the north. Not from Minnesota or Ohio?

I'm from timbuktu.

I'm from timbuktu.

Me too. - Really?

So who is from Texas?

The two of you. I'm from timbuktu.

So maybe this man or the one over there is from Texas.

Cut!

I miss Texas. Why do you miss Texas?

Because I miss it, I don't know.

Don't you remember the song:

I went to Texas and I came back...

Deep in the heart of Texas.

No. It's where Chuck Norris comes from.

Isn't that enough?

Chuck Norris, the manly man.

Going down fo the cat's fountain.

A young girl and a soldier went down lo the cat's fountain.

Ask her what her name is. Marieta, marieta.

Ask her what her name is. Marieta with the bright eyes.

Going down fo the cat's fountain.

A young girl and a soldier went down lo the cat's fountain.

Ask her what her name is. Marieta, marieta.

Ask her what her name is. Marieta with the bright eyes.

Look, the prince's residence. Yes!

Let's go. - Come on.

Mrs. duck told Mr. duck: "If you screw me, I'll kill you."

Mrs. duck told Mr. duck: "If you screw me, I'll kill you."

Mrs. duck told Mr. duck: "If you screw me, I'll kill you."

Mrs. duck told Mr. duck...

It's hot here. What do you want? Who are you?

Look.

This isn't good anymore. - Why?

It's not valid.

But isn't this the hotel Lancaster city of las palmeras?

No.

It's the hotel Lancaster city of Tegucigalpa.

But...

We are fully booked. All the rooms are taken.

What can I say? What can we do?

I don't know. So your cousin tricked us.

Of course he did! He always does. He's a trickster!

So...

Which options do we have?

I can offer you a small room.

It's more expensive but cozy.

It's in the other hotel. - Ok.

If you're masochists you're welcome to stay here.

Fine, so we'll stay here.

Talk to the manager, he's over there.

Thank you. - You're welcome.

Bye.

I have a bad feeling about those two.

Hello, ladies. How are you?

So we can talk in Spanish.

That's better. - A lot easier.

How can I help you? We were told you've a room for us.

Your friend sent us here.

I see.

This is it.

Room 67.

It's the only one left. Perfect, lucky us.

Over there, at the end of the hallway.

Thank you.

See you later. - See you later.

Wait! - What?

Should I make you a charcoal drawing?

Why?

As a souvenir. So you remember these islands.

People get themselves a charcoal drawing.

It's a famous souvenir around here.

Or would you like my boss to paint you a gouache painting.

He does great, beautiful ones. Gouache?

He's the best gouache painter here.

No thanks. I'm tired and want to lay down a while.

Let's go. - Wait!

Not this way. - No?

That's the eastern area. It's completely booked.

And room 67? - This way.

It's in the western area. 0k, thanks.

Oh my god.

Wake up!

Come here!

Come here.

Come here!

Come here!

Come here!

1 will kill you!

Come over here.

Are you Muslim or stupid?

I'm from here, from malaga. I know nothing.

Fuck.

I was worried about refueles. Don't worry.

He's an innocent jerk.

They all are. What do you know about his wife?

I hardly know her. But I think she's an old hag and a bitch.

I don't mean it in an offensive way. Yes, right.

If she were to catch you, she would rip your heart out.

Nice haircut.

I have worn it so many times.

I've got a really long one.

It reaches the ground.

There is no way manolito's could reach the ground.

So what turns agripina on? Neron of course.

Yes, a very loving mother...

Did you read the Bible?

To me the Bible is like the lord of the rings.

Don't say that.

The Bible is full of morals

and logic.

So what? What about agripina? She's a bitch.

I'm having an affair with her. If you bash her I'll kick your ass.

Cool down, I wasn't bashing agripina.

Agripina is a fantastic woman. Woman?

You know she's a transvestite, right? I love transvestites.

I thought so.

I really love transvestites, too.

They are funny and fantastic persons.

Naive and healthy. Very in vogue right now.

You wanted the western area? This is it.

We can get dressed if you prefer. This is where you belong.

I don't care if you're dressed or not.

The important thing is...

That the guests of the hotel always die.

Just like everyone else. Everybody dies eventually.

That's why you have to die.

What a harsh way to say it, don't you think?

Get dressed.

Young ladies, I can even see your alligators.

Heil Hitler! Follow me.

Do you know rajoy?

He's the savior of the fatherland from the thieves and the wretched.

Rajoy says:

"We have to save our fatherland from thieves and wretched."

What is he talking about? Follow me.

Where are we going? This room is free.

This room is free.

This room is free.

Rajoy says: "I will turn the light on."

The light is on.

Come on in. - Thank you.

Do you need anything more? We are fine.

Rajoy says: "You're really hot."

I'm leaving, bye.

Bye, thank you.

Rajoy says: "Freedom? Bullshit!"

Honestly, your singing is bad. You really sing awful.

They gave me three awards on TV. Right, three awards.

Well I didn't get any.

And how do you sing? You sing terrible.

Listen honey, it's not my profession.

What do you do? I'm an inspector for bankia.

Well, so you earn a lot of money. Not really. If they pay me, I do...

Let's leave those topics to men.

Let's get dressed and go to the pool.

Let's go to the open sea. - Yes!

Olé, the nuns of the sacromonte.

Yeah.

Mr. pereira!

Mr. pereira!

Mr. pereira!

Mr. pereira!

Hey, boy!

Are you talking to me? Mr. pereira.

Here's an anonymous letter from my father.

Who is your father? My father is the minister.

The minister of what? The minister of gambling and vices.

Of what? - Gambling and vices!

So he's Teddy bolista.

Yes, Teddy bolista.

If you don't let my son go,

you will die. You'll die!

Why? - Because you'll die.

You'll die.

If you don't let me go you'll die.

And why will I die? Because you'll die.

You'll die.

What are you saying? That you'll die!

You'll die!

You'll die!

You're the one who is gonna die, jerk.

I'll kill you. I'll kill you. No! Daddy!

Careful, I'm the president of the judicial system.

We weren't doing anything.

We were peaceful, daddy.

Now I recognize you. You're my son!

Oh, my god!

Daddy! - He's my son!

He's my son. - Daddy!

It's a shame he's still an imbecile. Thanks daddy.

I love you too. I love you a lot, daddy.

I love you. - My son!

I'm your son.

What do you think about al pereira?

Don't bring him up, understood? Why?

He's a good guy. - A good guy?

He's a son of a bitch and too mellifluous.

Mellifluous? What's that?

That's when somebody talks sweet and tricks people.

I never heard that word, but if you say so.

Oh, yes.

You have great hands. They almost feel like...

They feel like feet.

Bitch!

Today, February the 23rd.

Is it the 23rd or the 24th?

No.

February the 23rd. The 24th, daddy.

Shut up, son.

February the 24th, two thousand...

That isn't important. Let's cut to the chase.

I decided to pass on all my goods

to the national association of poor whores

so they can use them for charitable works or other good deeds.

By the way, nobody talked about what will be mine.

Of course, I'll be getting the biggest piece of the cake.

I'm leaving. I don't want to know anything about these atrocities.

Which atrocities? This is a will.

It's bad enough I've died, but you also want to take it all.

That's fucking strong! This is Orson welles' tobacco.

Were you Orson welles' lover? Yes and no.

That means yes, right?

I was eight years old then, but I killed him.

So what has that damn al pereira got to do with you?

We used to have

a little romance and three grandchildren.

Grandchildren? You mean children.

He's old, he only conceives grandchildren.

Mustafa kemal has made me his sole heir.

I'm leaving! I don't wanna know anything about this damn will.

You won't get a single cent. So what?

As al pereira's favorite child

I demand the accusation to be reviewed.

Review the accusation?

Go and play with your toys and leave the grown ups alone.

I contest that will for false prevarication, bribery

and other trivialities.

So who will inherit the money?

I will, of course.

What? What about us? Hell no, I should hope not.

What the hell is he saying?

And what about us? That's not fair.

What about us?

I'm the one and only.

The one and only...

You're a darling. I always knew we would get along.

I wouldn't be so sure, I'm a beast.

That's how I like them.

Enough cuddling! Let's draw some conclusions.

Conclusions!

He's so cute, the fool. How cute, look at him.

Conclusions! Conclusions!

What a son of a bitch. I can't take it any longer!

Either you two come to bed with me or I will die again.

So go on and die.

Conclusions, I want more conclusions!

Conclusions, conclusions.

Action!

This is a story told by an idiot,

full of sound and fury,

signifying nothing.

This is a story

told by an idiot,

full of sound...

This is a story told by an idiot...

Told by...

Told by an idiot, a son of a bitch,

signifying nothing.

Signifying absolute shit. Shit! Absolute shit.

Dance! Come on. Move, all of you.

You dance, too.

This is a story

told by an idiot,

full of sound and fury,

signifying nothing.

This is a story

told by an idiot, a dork, a son of a bitch,

full of

sound and fury,

signifying nothing.

This is the truth. - Cut!

Shut up.

Shut up at once!

Should we carry on? No. He said cut.

I said cut, but... We were quite into it.

Yes, you were so into the dancing

that I let you go on and thought: "Shit, I hope they won't get angry."

You can see paco's whole head.

Well,

that's it.

We've made al pereira look like a complete dickhead,

but it doesn't matter at all.

Subtitles: Laletrapequena. Com