Original subtitles

This is awesome. Don't you guys just love double dates?

Uh, Fletcher, this is not a double date.

Yeah, Fletcher. Olive and I are here on a date.

You and Chyna are just here, killing the mood.

Ow!

Sorry, Angus, but I don't see you as more than a friend.

Actually, I mostly just tolerate you because you're there.

That's what my mom says about my dad! We're practically married!

It's nothing personal.

I just don't want to waste any brain capacity

on frivolous emotions like love and romance. Ugh!

Hi, folks. Welcome to IHOW.

Hubba-hubba!

I'm Graham. It's a beautiful day to be alive,

unless of course you're a chicken.

Huh!

Wow, you're a chef?

Fletcher's your age and he barely knows how to use a spoon.

That's not true.

(slurping)

I was born to cook.

When I was little, I used the milk out of my baby bottle

to make Camembert cheese.

Interesting "lactoid."

Of all mammal milks,

hippopotamus milk has the highest mucus content.

Which is why a hippo calf would call its mother

with its characteristic... (snorting)

(hawking)

And suddenly, I'm not so hungry anymore.

Hey, Hippo.

Can't talk now. I have to call my mom.

(snorting)

(hawking)

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Doo, doo ♪

♪ Doo, doo ♪

- ♪ Doo, doo ♪ -Whoo!

♪ Everybody's got that thing ♪

♪ Something different we all bring ♪

♪ Don't you let 'em clip your wings ♪

♪ You got it, you got it ♪

♪ We're on fire and we blaze ♪

♪ In extraordinary ways ♪

♪ 365 days ♪

♪ We got it, we got it ♪

♪ You can dream it ♪

♪ You can be it ♪

♪ If you can feel it ♪

♪ You can believe it ♪

♪ 'Cause I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Yeah, I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Whoo!

So, do you think Graham liked me?

I tried to charm him with my knowledge of the culinary arts,

or, as I now call them, interesting "snacktoids."

(chuckles)

Yes, and I think he particularly enjoyed

the one about the amount of rat droppings legally allowed in a restaurant kitchen.

Most of us had happily assumed that amount was "none."

Chyna, you've had endless disappointing crushes on lots of guys.

Give me some advice on what not to do.

I'd keep the mammal milk discussion to a minimum.

What else is there to talk about?

(chuckles) Well, I can teach you how to flirt.

Let's do a little role playing.

Fletcher, you pretend to be Graham, and Olive, you pretend to be Olive.

(gasps) I've been preparing for this role my entire life.

All right, so I have to pretend to be attracted to Olive?

One second.

Okay, ready.

Hey, Graham.

Cooking requires a lot of chemistry.

You know what else requires a lot of chemistry?

What?

Designing and manufacturing hydrogen fuel cells!

Here. Watch us, Olive.

I'll be you and Fletcher will be Graham.

Hi, Graham. I love you!

Okay. New plan.

-Perfect. -Yeah.

Hippo, you're clearing tables?

Oh, no. I'm going to eat this.

Listen, I have a great idea that will make the restaurant even better.

If you're talking about getting rid of the rat droppings,

I'm well within my legal limits.

(mice squeaking, plopping)

Well, I was.

I mean, we could have singing waitresses.

It could be a great way for me to be discovered.

I don't want to get back into the music business.

It was full of creepy guys in track suits.

-You mean like you? -Yeah!

Anyway, singing waitresses have been done.

Although there are other performing arts

we could combine with food service.

Like, why has no one ever had dancing waitresses?

Walk with me.

This is why!

Okay.

When Olive gets here, we need to do everything we can

to make sure she and Graham are attracted to each other.

Way ahead of you.

All we have to do is give each of them

one of these high-powered electromagnets.

(magnet humming)

(people gasping)

I'm open to other suggestions.

Hey there, friends!

I'm going to "starch" you off tonight with some potatoes.

Get it? Starch? Potatoes?

Sorry if that joke was a little "corny."

You know who really loves puns?

No one?

Olive!

Well, I can't wait till she gets here,

because we're throwing a vegetable party,

and I've invited mushrooms, and onions, and peppers.

Oh, look!

We have a special guest at the party,

Elvis Parsley.

(imitating Elvis Presley) Why, thank you, thank you very much.

(chuckling)

This is delicious!

I'm so glad you like it. See, nothing makes me happier than...

Is that salt?

Did you hear me invite salt to the party?

No, but Elvis Parsley said it was cool.

How dare you speak for Elvis Parsley!

You don't know Elvis Parsley! Elvis Parsley is not your friend.

Elvis Parsley is my friend!

Take it easy. It's just a little salt.

A little salt?

A little salt!

Well, why don't we just add a little rat poison?

That stuff doesn't work.

We cannot let Olive date this maniac.

Hey, guys! What's going on?

What's going on?

What's going on is Graham is...

My, don't you look as pretty as a peach?

What type of peach?

Freestone peach, a clingstone peach, stink blossom peach?

Obviously stink blossom.

Oh, you!

Speaking of peaches, who'd like to come to a cobbler party?

That sounds awesome!

Shoemakers are known for their wild shindigs!

He meant the other kind of cobbler.

Wow, you two have nothing in common.

You're like oil and crazy.

-Now, let's get out of here. -Yeah, I think that's a great idea.

You and Fletcher should get out of here.

Waitress, can we get their food to go, please?

No problem!

That guy Graham was such a jerk last night!

If I wanted to get yelled at during dinner,

I'd eat at home.

Yeah. I'm almost tempted to stop eating

this incredibly moist cobbler he made.

But you know what, we'll just stop eating at IHOW.

Then we will never have to see him again.

Hey, guys! Guess who's joined the A.N.T. Program!

My boyfriend!

Graham is your boyfriend now?

And he's in the A.N.T. Program?

Yeah. I mean, he's a cooking prodigy,

so I introduced him to Skidmore

and he made her his famous bouillabaisse.

She loved it so much, she did a back flip.

Which landed her in the hospital,

so I signed Graham into the A.N.T. Program myself.

(gasps)

Where did all my stuff go?

And where is my violin case?

Relax, Chyna. It's right here.

Careful. I'm smoking a salmon in there.

-(school bell ringing) -Oh. Well, I'm off to class!

Wait. Radish kiss!

Aw!

Oh, man.

That radish has kissed more girls than I have.

What are we going to do about Graham?

It's going to be horrible with him here.

Relax.

Maybe he's actually a nice guy

and his freak-out last night was just a one-time thing.

We should give him a chance.

(Graham) Hey, Fletcher!

I love your paintings. What a wonderful use of color!

See? And we thought he was going to come in here and...

ruin everything.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just adding a little "salt" to your painting.

(yelling) Because no artistic masterpiece is really finished

until someone who knows nothing about it

just randomly throws something on top of it!

Uh...

Okay. It's fine. Um...

We're just going to enjoy some of your delicious salmon.

(nervous laugh) Right, Fletcher?

(whispers) It needs salt.

This dancing waitress idea is a disaster!

I pulled a hamstring while serving hamstring.

By the way, do people really want to eat strings of ham?

You're asking the wrong guy.

Maybe there's a different performing art the waitresses could do.

I got it!

Something people do all the time.

When they're driving, in the shower...

Singing!

Magic!

You do magic in the shower?

Sure! Pick a card!

(water dripping)

(Fletcher) We've got to do something about Graham.

He's got me so on edge, I can barely sleep in class.

Look, let's try and cut Olive some slack.

I mean, it is her first crush.

I think your math is a little off.

My point is,

I'm sure the novelty will wear off soon and she'll be over him in no time.

Hey, guys. Graham and I have big news!

We've decided to move in together!

We're going to share a locker!

Let me handle this.

Olive, I want to play you a song I recorded.

It's called "I've Got Something To Tell You

And I Really Hope It Doesn't Affect Our Friendship."

Does it have hand claps in it?

People love hand claps.

So, Olive...

Did I always have sides of beef hanging in my sound booth?

Oh, Graham turned it into a meat locker.

He's so grateful. He even wrote you a note.

"Chyna, flanks for everything."

(laughing)

Flank is a cut of meat!

Ah, food puns!

Yeah. They're the best!

Anyway, "lettuce" continue.

I don't get it.

Listen, Fletcher, I know we kind of got off on the wrong foot,

so I decided to prepare you a special dish.

Oh, no. It's okay. I already ate.

No, no, no. Please try it.

It's my special hard boiled quail egg.

I really think you'll love it.

-Wow. This is incredi... -What are you doing!

You didn't even put salt on it!

Who eats a quail egg without salt!

I don't know. A rattlesnake?

♪ If you break up I'll bring you ice cream and tissues ♪

♪ But I'm telling you That dude's got some serious issues! ♪

So? What do you think?

Not bad, but have you considered adding hand claps?

Listen, Olive. Forget about the song.

We need to talk.

About what?

About Graham.

I know what this is about.

You have a problem with me dating him.

Well, yes.

You want us to break up. Yes!

So you can swoop in and take him for yourself!

What? No. No, no, no, no...

Don't deny it, Chyna. You just wrote a whole song about how great he is.

Wow, you really did not listen to the lyrics.

Just admit it, Chyna. You like him!

No, I don't like him. I hate him!

You hate my boyfriend?

No! I don't even know why I said that.

Of course, I don't hate your boyfriend.

(whispers) How's it going, Chyna?

Have you told Olive we hate her boyfriend yet?

I can't believe you.

I thought you were supposed to be my friend.

Olive, wait!

Come on, Graham. We're leaving.

Okay. "Lettuce" get out of here.

(giggles) "Lettuce get out of here."

Priceless!

That was my pun! You said you didn't get it!

It's all in the delivery!

I hate this.

It's bad enough Olive's mad at me,

but she still has no idea what a jerk Graham is!

I guess we're going to have to avoid them for the rest of our lives.

Except for when they get married. You know the food is going to be awesome.

You're right.

Food is what he really cares about.

So we'll invite them over for the worst dinner party ever.

He'll go berserk and she'll finally see what a jerk he is!

Just make sure you have salt.

I may need to use it.

Or not use it.

I'm so confused!

(doorbell ringing)

Hey, guys! Come on in!

Olive, I really appreciate you agreeing to come over for dinner.

Well, I couldn't say no after you extended this olive branch.

Well, Graham,

I'm pretty sure you remember Fletcher and Angus.

(burping)

Of course. Here.

We brought you some strawberries from my garden.

Oh, that's so sweet!

Too bad I hate strawberries.

Now put your butts in some chairs while I throw these away.

Okey-dokey, artichokey.

This is also from my garden.

Uh, Chyna, Graham and I don't have any napkins.

Oh! No problem.

This is the good stuff.

Two-ply.

Thank you, milady.

I think this fork is dirty.

Oh. Let me clean that for you.

Yup.

Thanks. That's better.

And now, you will be amazed

as I perform the magic linking onion rings illusion!

Ta-da!

Come on, Hippo.

We've done dancing waitresses, we've done magical waitresses.

Can we please just do singing waitresses?

No, I was thinking about doing

the greatest performing/waitressing art there is.

Murder mystery dinner theater!

Slash waitressing.

Oh, no. Someone won't be leaving here tonight alive.

And not just because of the food.

No one move!

I have shocking news!

My valet parking guys just took off with all your car keys.

And cars.

So, instead of a murder mystery,

looks like we'll be solving a grand theft auto mystery.

And let's be honest, we'll never solve it.

I don't understand. Why isn't he flipping out?

Let's kick things up a notch!

Hey, Graham, can you pass me the ketchup?

I want to put some on my salad.

You know what, never mind. I'll get it myself.

Graham, have some gumbo.

It's made with nothing but the freshest gum. See?

What are you doing?

It's a special recipe.

Me and Chyna came up with it ourselves.

Don't you mean "Chyna and I"?

No, me and Chyna. You weren't there.

Stop saying, "Me and Chyna."

"Me" is an objective pronoun and used as the object of a sentence!

"I" is a nominative pronoun.

You mean, "I am a nominative pronoun."

(growling)

Relax, Olive.

Yeah, it's just one word.

Just one word?

(shouting) Just one word?

Well, I have one word for you.

Numbskull!

Now admittedly, "numbskull" is a compound word

made up of two different words, but it's spelled without a hyphen!

Not that you would know!

Whoa, Olive, what's with the attitude?

If there's one thing I really don't like, it's people who can't control their anger.

I just don't think this is going to work out.

Seriously? You're the one who...

Stay out of this, Fletcher.

You were breaking up, Graham?

I'm sorry, Olive, but a person who just flies off the handle like that

is not someone I can be with.

Toodles.

Did you hear that, guys?

He said I'm not someone he can be with.

I'm sorry, Olive. You must be really upset.

I am.

At his shoddy grammar.

Ending a sentence with a preposition?

That is something up with which I will not put!

Well, it doesn't matter why you broke up.

The important thing is that you broke up.

Yeah.

With 30 seconds of hindsight,

I now see that he wasn't right for me.

He was too steady and calm.

I like a guy that's fiery, with a bit of a temper.

(shouting) Oh!

Is that so?

(splattering)

You know what, I'm not sure what I want.

I'm gonna go use the little girls' room.

Wait. Hold on a second.

I don't understand.

Graham didn't get upset at anything we did.

Well, maybe he's only touchy about his own food.

So our entire plan to eat and behave like disgusting slobs

was for nothing?

We had a plan?

Thanks for finally agreeing to let me be a singing waitress.

And I promise when I'm discovered and become famous,

I won't forget you.

I mean, the memories will all be unpleasant,

but I won't forget you.

Thanks, Lexi.

And you're in luck. I recognize that guy over there.

He's a huge music producer.

Look at him, sitting there with his two Grammys.

I can't believe it. This is my big chance.

♪ Welcome to IHOW Pull up a chair ♪

♪ Order the salad, now with less hair ♪

♪ We have soups and pastas And pizzas with toppings ♪

♪ We're well below The legal limit of rat droppings! ♪

(rapping) ♪ Lexi's singin' up in the IHOW ♪

♪ Serving you dinner That used to be a cow ♪

♪ Two sides come with every entrée ♪

♪ New England clam chowder Is the soup of the day! ♪

♪ Tip yo' server, boi! ♪

You have got to be kidding me!

He's signing you?

No.

Apparently, he's not a record producer. He's the health inspector.

Turns out the legal limit for rat droppings is "none."