Original subtitles

(Chyna) It should've been like any other day.

Compose a four-part symphonic masterpiece, gently decline Fletcher's advances,

and then walk Cameron home from school.

(panting)

I thought I knew who I was.

I thought I knew who my friends were.

But today was not like any other day.

(groaning) Nothing was like it normally is.

-(screaming) -Except for the main title sequence.

♪ Ooh, ooh, doo, doo ♪

-♪ Ooh, ooh, doo, doo ♪ -Whoo!

♪ Everybody's got that thing Something different we all bring ♪

♪ Don't you let 'em clip your wings You got it, you got it ♪

♪ We're on fire and we blaze In extraordinary ways ♪

♪ 365 days We got it, we got it ♪

♪ If you can dream it ♪

♪ You can be it ♪

♪ If you can feel it ♪

♪ You can believe it ♪

♪ 'Cause I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Yeah, I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Whoo!

Hey, Chyna. Did I miss anything while I was out sick yesterday?

Nope. Everything was pretty much the same old same old,

here in Dr. Pinky's Toe Fungus Ointment Ant Farm.

Dr. Pinky's Toe Fungus?

To bring in money, Skidmore sold the naming rights

to basically everything here at Chico's Bail Bonds High School.

Hey!

How come I'm the only one wearing the new school uniform?

Skidmore's out of control.

(gruffly) "I'm Skidmore. I'm pure evil! I ate a kitten for breakfast!"

That was the worst Skidmore impression I've ever heard.

(chuckling) Yeah, that sounds nothing like Skidmore.

It's more like, "Back in my day, we respected our elders,

because there were only two of them." (chuckling)

Come on. That sounded just like Skidmore!

And I even had her dead look in my eyes.

(yelps)

Hello, Principal Skidmore.

What beautiful dead eyes you have. (chuckling nervously)

Principal Skidmore, you've got a little... Kitten right here.

Oh! It's frozen yogurt.

I got the school a frozen yogurt machine

because I realized I needed to be nicer to you Ants.

Let me guess. 50 bucks for a small?

Shut it!

I mean, um... Hush now, little one.

The yogurt is free,

and is in no way part of a plan to destroy you kids once and for all.

In fact, your friend, Violet, just enjoyed some.

Principal Skidmore is wonderful. Enjoy some free yogurt.

Isn't she delightful?

(laughing evilly)

Hey, everybody! Check out my new outfit!

It's a designer dress.

Designed to make you all jealous.

Wow, Lexi. Looking good.

No, you're looking good.

(romantic music playing)

(shrieking)

Are you okay, Lexi?

I just had a horrible nightmare.

(whispering) No one can know this, but I dreamed

that I was attracted to Cameron!

Well, no one can know it because you're whispering. Here.

Attention, everyone!

Lexi had a dream she was attracted to Cameron!

(all laughing)

Wow. I always knew you had a thing for me.

I always thought that thing was disgust.

But now I know you like me.

In your dreams!

No. In your dreams.

(shrieks)

Principal Skidmore is wonderful. Enjoy some free yogurt.

(Chyna) It sounded suspicious. Maybe even dangerous.

But free yogurt? I had to check it out!

(electricity surging)

Fletcher! Are you all right?

Principal Skidmore is wonderful. Enjoy some free yogurt.

What did you do to Fletcher?

Oh, he isn't Fletcher anymore.

This is Fletcher.

(laughing evilly)

I've extracted his personality and turned it into this frozen yogurt.

Principal Skidmore! How could you?

It's easy!

With the Thinkberry 3000, stealing personalities

is fast, fun, and clean-up's a breeze!

I mean stealing the Ants' personalities

and turning them into frozen yogurt!

And without offering a toppings bar? You're a monster!

You will not get away with this.

Yes, I will.

Oh, yeah? You and what army?

This army. (snaps fingers)

(Violet) Principal Skidmore is wonderful.

Enjoy some free yogurt.

The first time I say, "You and what army," the person actually has an army!

(robotically) Principal Skidmore is wonderful.

Enjoy some free yogurt.

(chuckling)

Olive!

Skidmore has this evil plan to extract our personalities

and turn us into mindless drones!

Do not be tempted by the yogurt.

Which shouldn't be difficult, because there are no toppings.

Principal Skidmore is wonderful. Enjoy some free yogurt.

Olive? She got you, too?

(door opening)

Principal Skidmore is wonderful. Enjoy some free yogurt.

(Chyna) That's when I realized these were my final moments on Earth.

What? No! Don't say that! I'll think of something.

Principal Skidmore is wonderful. Enjoy some free yogurt.

You mentioned that a couple of times.

(Chyna) That's when I thought of a plan.

I did? Well, tell me what it is!

Never mind, I've got something.

(robotically) Principal Skidmore is wonderful.

Enjoy some free yogurt.

In fact, she is so wonderful, we should record a song about her.

Please enter the sound booth, fellow mindless drones.

Principal Skidmore is wonderful.

Enjoy some free yogurt.

Principal Skidmore is wonderful.

Enjoy some free yogurt.

Hit it.

(all rapping) ♪ Principal Skidmore is wonderful ♪

♪ Enjoy some free yogurt, yo ♪

(mechanically) ♪ Holla ♪

(yelps)

(Chyna) With all of my fellow Ants robbed of their personalities,

I had only one choice. To sing!

But I didn't.

Because as I said, today was a day unlike any other.

The drones will be here any minute. I've got to get your personalities out of here.

(Chyna) There was one problem.

If my friends melted, they might be gone forever.

There was only one place their personalities would be safe.

Inside me.

Plus, it didn't hurt that they were delicious.

Where am I? Let me out of here!

I think we're in Chyna's brain.

See? Chyna's memories, Chyna's fears, Chyna's crushes...

Chyna's crushes?

Why is this drawer so full?

Oh, come on! I've got to be in here somewhere!

(groans) Brain freeze!

Interesting factoid about brain freeze. The scientific name for it is...

(as Olive) ...sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia.

(in normal voice) Olive, is that you?

Are you guys in my brain?

Seriously, Chyna? Mozart?

You have a crush on Mozart and not me?

At least I'm alive!

(drones) Principal Skidmore is wonderful. Enjoy some free yogurt.

Principal Skidmore is wonderful...

(giggling nervously) Thank you. I'll just take some to go.

(drones) ...is wonderful...

I apologize, everyone.

To avoid having a horrific nightmare, I stayed up all math class.

Without my beauty sleep, I must look terrible.

I think you look good.

I think you look good.

(romantic music playing)

(shrieking)

What happened? Are you okay, Lexi?

No! I keep having that same dream about Cameron.

If you see me starting to doze off, I need you to wake me up.

Okay.

Ow! What did you just pinch me for?

You closed your eyes.

I was just blinking!

I'm still awake.

Then I'm doing my job.

What's up, girlfriend? And by that, I mean,

(in a deep voice) "What's up, girlfriend?"

Not, (in a feminine voice) "What's up, girlfriend?"

Stop saying that! You are not my boyfriend!

Yeah! You're just the man of her dreams.

They're not dreams, they're nightmares!

-And I always wake up before I kiss you. -For now.

I promise, I do not have a crush on you!

Your eyes may say, "No," and your body language may say, "No,"

and your language language may say, "No,"

and all these signs may say, "No."

But your dreams say otherwise.

(exaggerated kiss)

Come on, guys! We've got to get out of here!

Why are we stopping? We need to get out of the school.

We can't abandon our bodies! Well, at least I can't.

You maybe should consider it.

(as Fletcher) We need to hide!

-No, run! -Never.

What we need to do is call someone for help.

(as Olive) There's no federal anti-frozen yogurt

personality theft commission we can alert.

Everyone knows the F.A.F.Y.P.T.C. was shut down due to budget cuts.

-(as Fletcher) Give me those controls! -(as Olive) No!

(in normal voice) Guys! (panting)

Let's not tear apart the one body that we have!

(groaning) No!

-(door opening) -(screams)

(drones) Principal Skidmore is wonderful. Enjoy some free yogurt.

Principal Skidmore is wonderful. Enjoy some free yogurt.

That's it, Chyna. Come to mama.

Drones! Take my little pretty for some frozen yogurt.

No!

(struggling)

(all) Help! Help!

(as Fletcher) We should've hidden.

(as Olive) Bring back the F.A.F.Y.P.T.C.!

Write your congressman!

(in normal voice) Ugh! You guys are driving me mad! I can't take it anymore!

Pull yourself together, woman!

Ow! Olive!

-(as Olive) That wasn't me. -(as Violet) Sorry, it was me.

It's just so fun to play with these controls.

Why you hitting yourself?

(as Violet) Why you hitting yourself? Why you hitting yourself?

(groaning)

At last, my evil plan is near completion. (laughing evilly)

What do you intend to do with us?

Obviously, extract all the Ants' personalities,

including yours, from your brain.

And then when I eat all that yogurt,

I will be a super woman with all of your talents and my good looks.

(as Fletcher) Good looks? More like... (mumbling incoherently)

Drones, put Chyna in the chair!

(in normal voice) No! Don't listen to her!

Oh, I'm sorry, Chyna.

But they are programmed to respond only to my soothing voice.

Now put Chyna in the chair, you worthless drones!

No! (groans)

Now, unlike movie villains,

who leave before seeing their plan through to completion,

thus enabling the hero to escape,

I am going to throw the switch myself.

(cell phone ringing)

I have to take that.

Drones, see my plan through to completion.

Hello?

Oh! Timeshare in Santa Fe?

Yes, I am interested. Yes, I do have a major credit card.

-Oh, we're doomed! -No, we're not!

If the drones only respond to Skidmore's voice, we have to imitate Skidmore!

(in normal voice) Got it.

(gruffly) Drones! It is I, Principal Skidmore,

speaking to you from inside of Chyna.

How did I get in here? It's not important.

They're not buying it.

Step aside.

It just so happens, I do a perfect Skidmore impersonation.

You? Everyone you imitate sounds like a bad Christopher Walken impression.

(squeakily) "Hi, I'm Christopher Walken."

(same voice) "Hi, I'm President Obama."

Hey, that's not a bad "Fletcher doing a bad President Obama imitation

that sounds like a bad Christopher Walken imitation" imitation.

Just give me a chance. I'm really good at it.

-(sighing) Okay. -(Chyna) And then a miracle happened.

For the first time ever, Fletcher was right!

His Skidmore impression was dead on.

He was able to instruct the drones to extract

all the personalities from my brain and eat the yogurt.

(electricity surging)

There was only one problem.

(as Fletcher) So, did it work?

(as Violet) You're wearing floral pants and a pink cardigan.

What do you think?

(Chyna) They ate the wrong yogurt.

(yawning) Hey, everybody. Outfit. Pretty.

Welcome, Lexi... To dreamland.

(playing tune)

Cameron, what is going on?

You're having a real dream.

Not a fake dream that I set up to trick you into kissing me.

Because if this weren't a dream, would I have these fish hands?

We're up to the part of your dream where you kiss me.

Okay. Here you go, dream boy.

This is just like I imagined it earlier when I practiced on the fish.

Thank you, Cameron.

No, thank you, baby.

I mean, thanks to this, I should be over

whatever caused those creepy dreams.

But don't worry, Cameron. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

(yelps)

(as Fletcher) I can't believe I'm trapped inside Olive! Ugh!

Her brain has interesting factoid sticky notes everywhere!

(as Chyna) I'm in Violet?

You know what? You'd look really cute with a French braid.

(as Violet) Hey! Stop that! And you'd better take care of my body!

Just like I plan on taking care of this adorable body.

(as Chyna) Wait. If I'm in Violet, and Violet is in Fletcher,

and Fletcher is in Olive, then who's inside my body?

(as Olive) Interesting factoid about identity theft...

Wait! If I'm inside Chyna, then I can sing my interesting factoids,

making them interesting and entertaining factoids.

♪ On average, identity theft Costs U.S. consumers ♪

♪ Over $1.52 billion per year... ♪

(as Fletcher) Stop singing!

(as Chyna) Calm down. We just need to extract

our personalities again and get them into the right bodies.

Oh, don't bother.

Because in a matter of seconds, your minds will be nothing but mush.

(as Chyna) What?

You may have foiled my personality stealing plan,

but when I press this button, all the yogurt you ate will self-destruct

and melt your brains forever!

-(beeps) -(dispatcher) Senior Alert.

Ms. Skidmore, did you fall in the bathtub again?

Wrong remote! (chuckling sheepishly)

No, this is the remote for my heated slippers...

(as Olive) The lever!

(electricity surging)

Wow. She does not have a lot of personality.

(in normal voice) So with the Ants safe from Skidmore's villainy,

we all switched back to our normal bodies,

and we live happily ever after.

That would make a pretty great movie, huh?

It depends.

If this thing gets made, can I be your date to the premiere?

You ask her that right in front of me?

Wow, Chyna. How did you make up an idea like that?

Who says I made it up?

(as Skidmore) What are you rotten kids looking at? Get to class!

(all screaming)

(chuckling)

(sighing) I finally got some sleep. I feel so much better.

You look pretty good, Lexi.

No, you look pretty good, Lexi.

(romantic music playing)

Oh, thank goodness. Everything is back to normal.

Ugh. It's so warm out here.

Sorry. I'll turn it up.