Original subtitles

(playing bluesy melody)

(door opens)

Oh, hey, Dad. How was work?

I hate my job.

The Captain's always giving me a hard time.

And today, he stuck me with a rookie I have to train.

Really? Who?

Officer Katz.

Is that a police cat?

Yeah. We used to have dogs,

until the mayor appointed an unmarried woman in her 40s

Chief of Police.

The point is I've had it.

(sighs)

You know, if your job makes you so unhappy,

maybe you should think about doing something else.

-Really? -Why not?

I mean you always told me to pursue my dream

and do something that makes me happy.

-I did say that, didn't I? -Mmm-hmm.

You're absolutely right.

(laughs)

(laughs)

Captain, this is Darryl.

I've decided to pursue my dreams.

What are you doing?

I'm tired of your stupid rules,

and your boring paperwork,

and your constant nagging.

"Where's your badge? Where's your patrol car?

What happened to that suspect?"

Dad, stop!

Oh, yeah? Huh. Well, you can't fire me because I quit.

And you know what you can do with your job?

You can put it where the sun don't shine.

Like in a cabinet or Seattle.

-Uh... -(sighs)

I feel so much better. Thank you, Chyna.

I can't believe you just quit your job.

Why? You told me to follow my dream.

So, what's my dream?

I don't know!

Wow!

Well, you really should have thought this through better.

♪ Ooh, ooh, doo, doo ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, doo, doo ♪

Whoo!

♪ Everybody's got that thing ♪

♪ Something different we all bring ♪

♪ Don't you let 'em clip your wings ♪

♪ You got it, you got it ♪

♪ We're on fire and we blaze ♪

♪ In extraordinary ways ♪

♪ 365 days ♪

♪ We got it, we got it ♪

♪ You can dream it ♪

♪ You can be it ♪

♪ If you can feel it ♪

♪ You can believe it ♪

♪ 'Cause I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Yeah, I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Whoo!

(upbeat music playing)

Principal Skidmore.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to figure out the best place

to put a statue of me.

How about a haunted house?

(snarls)

What?

You just tied me for most friends on the Webster Wolfpack website!

(gasps) Yay! High...

Five.

Not yay!

I have to be more popular than you because I'm the popular girl.

I would never rob you of your title of dumb girl.

Aw, that's sweet, Lexi.

What am I supposed to do?

I'm already friends with everyone in school who's on Wolfpack.

We'll be tied forever!

Are you guys talking about Wolfpack?

Because I just signed up and I already have two friends.

Three if Chyna accepts my request.

(phone chimes)

Two it is.

(phones chiming)

(gasps) Oh,

you're both trying to friend me! Wait.

Lexi only wants you to accept her

so she'll have the most Wolfpack friends.

So, you guys are using me to break a tie in the popularity contest?

-Mmm. -Cool!

Used by the popular girls!

I just want to be your friend because I like having friends.

And I just want to be your friend

because I like having more friends than she does.

I'll just have to figure out who is the better friend.

You can start by each bringing me a gift.

Something that shows how well you know me.

A gift?

Ooh, this will be just like Presents Day!

You mean Christmas?

No, Presents Day,

when we celebrate Present Lincoln, Present Washington...

How is this like Christmas?

Well, my dad tried, but he couldn't get his old job back.

He burned all his bridges.

No wonder they're so upset. You can't just burn a bridge.

People will notice that sort of thing on their drive to work.

Hey, Dad. Where were you?

Ah! Pursuing my dream of working in the movies.

But being an usher is not as glamorous as I thought it would be.

Now where's the remote?

I don't know. You never let me touch it.

Let's see.

Last time I had the remote, I was on the couch.

See?

Here are the crumbs from the popcorn I had for breakfast.

And I remember I wanted popcorn sauce on my popcorn.

Popcorn sauce?

He calls butter "popcorn sauce."

His parents wouldn't let him say "butter" because it has the word "butt" in it.

So I looked in the popcorn sauce compartment,

and here it is!

(laughs)

Wow, Dad,

that was amazing the way you just tracked that down.

You should be a private eye!

-Maybe I should. -(laughs)

Totally. You're the best investigator I know,

and I'm not just buttering you up.

Chyna, watch your language.

Sorry. And I'm not just popcorn saucing you up.

Better.

♪ If you've got an unsolved mystery ♪

♪ That's full of question marks ♪

♪ Your problem will be history ♪

♪ If you call Darryl Parks ♪

I suspected my boyfriend was cheating,

so I contacted Private Investigator Darryl Parks.

He found evidence that proved my boyfriend was cheating

at Crazy Eights, at Backgammon,

and on his history quiz.

Another case solved by Darryl Parks!

I am the elusive, legendary Bigfoot,

or Sasquatch to my friends.

Darryl Parks even found me!

♪ So if you need a private detective ♪

♪ Darryl Parks is your guy ♪

♪ The first 100 callers ♪

♪ Get a free rhubarb pie ♪

-So? What do you think? -I like it.

But you sure these guys can make enough pies?

What the heck is a rhubarb, anyway?

You couldn't have said apple?

Hey there, future Wolfpack friend.

Here's your gift.

I think you're going to love it!

It's kind of girly.

How so?

It says, "I'm a girly girl."

Plus, I don't think it will fit me.

Hey, maybe it would fit me!

(gasps)

It would! See? Aw! We're such good friends

we share each other's clothes!

Cameron, I hope you like my gift.

I made you a mixtape!

A collection of songs? Yawn.

What? No. A mixed tape.

Duct tape,

masking tape, electrical tape...

All my favorite tapes are on here!

You've got to be kidding me!

Tape is not a gift! Tape is what you use to wrap a gift!

By the way, I got this police tape from a really nice cat

who patrols my neighborhood.

I can't believe our ad has only gotten one view.

And it's a "dislike."

That was me.

Everyone knows sasquatches have no capacity for human speech.

And if they did, they'd have a Canadian accent.

Very shoddy work, Fletcher.

My dad is even more depressed now than he was before.

I got him into this mess, so I need to get him out.

We need to find my dad a mystery to solve.

How about why won't Chyna love me?

What?

Well, I didn't say anything.

Yeah.

Hey! How about this?

We can hide something valuable, report it stolen,

and have him find it.

Good idea.

And I know just the thing to hide.

Is it your love for me?

What? Who said that?

There.

We'll just stash these instruments in the janitor's closet.

Well, won't the janitor get blamed?

Janitor? When was the last time you saw a janitor at this school?

It's perfect. They're big and shiny and easy to find.

But most importantly,

now we'll get a break from listening to you play the tuba.

What? Who doesn't like the tuba?

(sighs)

What do you think of this for the plaque on my statue?

"Principal Susan Skidmore.

Respected, intelligent,

professional."

Hey!

Principal Skidmore!

All of my brass instruments are mysteriously missing!

Missing? What do you mean by missing?

I mean they're gone.

And we need to find them!

But how? If only there were an extremely qualified,

reasonably priced, unlicensed private investigator we could call.

Wait!

Isn't your father, ex-police officer Darryl Parks,

working as a reasonably priced,

unlicensed private investigator now?

By Jove, you're right!

We can hire Chyna's dad!

Why didn't we think of that?

Well, I guess it would cost less

than buying new instruments.

-Ah! You won't regret this. -Mmm. I'm sure I won't.

Hey, wait!

Now give me your lunch. I'm hungry.

Hey, Cameron,

since we're best friends, I planned this whole super fun day for us.

We can go shopping and get our hair done.

Or you can help me make a movie.

I need another actress.

Well, I do like acting. And attention.

Okay, you're the voice of Agent Sourdough Smith in my newest masterpiece,

Mission: Impossible Toast Protocol.

Now here's the scene.

You have to rescue Ambassador Ciabatta,

who is being held captive by a radical group of croutons.

And action!

I have got to save Ambassador Ciabatta from this jam!

Cut! You don't sound like toast. You sound like bread.

We're not making Bread Protocol.

Now say it again. This time, more toasty. Action!

(in British accent) I've got to save Ambassador Ciabatta

from this jam!

(Cameron) Cut!

The character is not an English muffin!

Come on, Lexi, be the toast!

(in French accent) I've got to save the Ambassador Ciabatta

from this jam!

That was French toast!

I can't work like this.

(sighs)

Crew, that's lunch.

Hey, guys, how's it going?

That's the voice!

Paisley, you are my toast!

Oh, come on! Really?

Hey, I can't help it if Paisley sounds exactly like toast.

I get that a lot.

This is where the tuba was last seen alive.

Who has access to this room?

Just the Ants, the janitor, the teachers, the janitor, the janitor and the janitor.

Oh, yeah, and also the janitor.

So it could be anyone.

Well, they wiped their fingerprints clean,

so it must be someone with access to rags and cleaning products

and other janitorial supplies.

It must be someone who wears gloves.

All signs point to

a glove model.

Or a mime!

Or a Michael Jackson impersonator!

Or a janitor!

You're right. It could be a mime.

You know what? I think I saw a mime in the janitor's closet.

Good thinking, Dad.

Let's go.

(chuckles) Amazing, Dad.

Your incredible detective skills led us right to the...

Cleaning supplies? Where are the instruments?

That was my only lead.

I give up.

I'll never catch the culprit.

We should just call the police.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

We have to find those instruments!

The orchestra has a concert next week

and I'm gonna look silly doing this.

(mimicking trombone)

(laughing)

Look who's in the dorkestra.

(both sighing)

Hey.

On cop shows, they always set a trap for the criminals.

I'm on it.

Okay, we'll catch the criminal with a stakeout.

We just wait here until he takes the bait and we swoop in.

-Do we really need the van? -Yes.

This way we're less conspicuous.

Ha! China left this very real tuba here unattended.

Wait, where did that tuba case come from?

(gasps)

That's the thief!

Case closed.

What are you talking about the case is closed?

We don't know who is in that disguise!

No, I meant that tuba case is closed.

It opened and now it's closed.

Okay. Well, then, why would you use the words "case closed"?

It's unnecessarily confusing.

I was just trying to say that we should get out there and stop him.

Okay, well, maybe you should just say,

"Let's get out there and stop him."

It's too late now.

He's gone.

That's not even the worst part.

We got a parking ticket!

As you know, I asked you both to prepare a tribute to me and our friendship.

Lexi, you go first.

Cameron, I wrote a little song for you.

It's not much, but I hope you like it.

♪ To show you what you mean to me ♪

♪ I have something special planned ♪

♪ So give it up, my BFF ♪

♪ For the Webster Marching Band ♪

(playing march)

♪ Our friendship's real Just like my hair ♪

♪ Paisley's really a brunette ♪

♪ To show you just how much I care ♪

♪ Here come these majorettes ♪

♪ I've invited all these nerds here ♪

♪ To give you my regards ♪

♪ And now we'll see your smiling face

♪ When they turn around these cards ♪

♪ If I had to rate your awesomeness ♪

♪ I'd give you a perfect 10 ♪

♪ So how do I spell friendship? ♪

♪ C-A-M-E-R-O-N ♪

Okay. Paisley, your turn.

(belches)

Paisley, that was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard!

Are you joking? She just burped!

It wasn't just a burp, Lexi.

It was our burp.

We were both in second grade.

For the second time.

And on March 29th,

Cameron and I shared a can of soda on the jungle gym.

When we were done, we both burped at exactly the same time.

I can't believe you remember that.

Of course. It was a special moment.

So, from now on,

every March 29th, we'll share a soda...

(both) ...and celebrate our Burp Day.

(both belching)

You've got to be kidding me!

Okay. I've made my decision.

It's a no-brainer.

From the mixtape, to the dead-on toast impression,

the person I will friend is...

(kissing)

Lexi!

Yes, I win!

Play me off, nerds!

And now, I present to you

a statue of my personal hero.

Me!

"Principal Susan Skidmore.

Respected, intelligent, professional."

I think the engraver used an abbreviation.

"R.I.P."?

Oh, I thought you were just dead on the inside.

Stop!

I know who took the instruments!

-You do? -Yes.

It was Principal Skidmore!

(all gasping)

She stole the instruments and now I see why.

She melted them to use the brass

to make this statue of the Wicked Witch of the West.

That's me. I did no such thing.

That's utterly ridiculous.

I think my dad's actually right.

(horn blowing)

Fine. It was me.

Dad, how did you figure it out?

Well, you always tell me how incredibly evil Principal Skidmore is.

In the nicest possible way.

And how she would never spend money for anything but herself.

Again, meant as a compliment.

So when Principal Skidmore hired me,

it had to be part of her plan.

She assumed I was a terrible detective and would never solve the case

so she'd get away clean.

But she was wrong. You solved the case.

(all cheering)

-Nice going, Dad. -Thanks.

You guys always give me a hard time about shooting video of you,

but you look so cute.

(sighs)

-I remember that moment. -Of course you do.

The concert was 20 minutes ago.

Hey,

I'm proud of you.

Oh, here comes your solo!

(playing horn)

Oh, pass me the remote.

Are you going to show me the video of us watching the video we just watched?

No, I still have to edit that.

Someone I used to work with got a TV show.

Really? Who?

♪ Police cat! Here comes the fuzz ♪

(meowing)