Original subtitles

Okay, kids. I have some exciting news.

Today, for the first time, you will be taking a state-mandated IQ test.

-Seriously? -Oh, man!

Whoo-hoo! Test! Holla!

Now, for those of you who don't know,

IQ stands for "idiot quiz."

It measures your level of stupidity.

Actually, I think IQ stands for "intelligence quotient."

And it's supposed to test how smart you are.

Hmm, that doesn't sound right.

Anyway, good luck. I want you all to do really well.

Or really poorly,

depending on which of us is right about what IQ stands for.

Do we have to take this?

IQ tests don't measure other forms of intelligence.

Like artistic intelligence, emotional intelligence,

or who can eat the most corn nuts intelligence.

Well, I don't perform well on tests.

I fold under pressure.

See? I'm, like, really nervous.

(Theme music playing)

(Whoo!)

♪ Everybody's got that thing ♪

♪ Something different we all bring ♪

♪ Don't you let 'em clip your wings ♪

♪ You got it You got it ♪

♪ We're on fire and we blaze ♪

♪ In extraordinary ways ♪

♪ 365 days ♪

♪ We got it We got it ♪

♪ You can dream it ♪

♪ You can be it ♪

♪ If you can feel it ♪

♪ You can believe it ♪

♪ 'Cause I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional Exceptional ♪

♪ Yeah, I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional Exceptional ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh ♪

(Whoo!)

Inside these envelopes are the results of your IQ test.

Why does mine say to eat more leafy greens?

Oh. Sorry. That's the result of my cholesterol test.

Oh, I did pretty well.

You're holding it upside down.

Oh, that makes more sense.

Here, Fletcher. This is what a good score looks like.

How'd you do, Chyna?

Who cares? It's just a stupid test.

Come on.

Don't be embarrassed. I mean, not everyone can be a genius.

What the heck?

Your score is higher than mine!

I'm as surprised as you are.

Well, not quite as surprised.

Your eyes are practically popping out of your head.

There must be some mistake.

Maybe you should take the test again.

Yeah. I mean, maybe they mixed up my score with someone else's,

or maybe I didn't use a number two pencil.

(Laughs) You said, "Number two."

Well, now we know how Angus did.

I hate P.E.

I have to take off my makeup, put on my P.E. makeup,

take off my P.E. makeup, then put on my regular makeup again.

And the gym uniforms are so unflattering.

I know.

I've been wearing these shorts for an hour

and they haven't said one nice thing to me.

(Lexi) Cameron?

Why weren't you in P.E. today?

I'm training to try out for the Olympics.

You can be excused if you're on the varsity team

or training competitively.

Really?

Well, maybe I could pursue that stupid Olympic dream with you

and get out of P.E., too.

So, what event are we training for?

Curling. Perfect.

As you can see, I'm an expert at curling.

No, curling is a winter Olympic sport.

It's exactly like bowling, but with no pins, no gutters,

no bowling balls, on ice, and using brooms.

Okay. These are my new IQ test results.

Wow.

Now your IQ is even lower than Fletcher's.

And he's an idiot.

Ha-ha!

Listen, it doesn't matter what your score is,

and it doesn't mean you're not smart.

Olive, I just want you to know I'm perfectly willing

to love you just for your looks.

This is impossible.

There is no way you guys are smarter than I am.

What are you trying to say?

See? The very fact that you don't understand proves my point.

You know, having a photographic memory is not the same as being smart.

I mean, a digital camera has a photographic memory,

but that does not make it a genius.

Are you guys saying you think I'm dumb?

No! I'm not saying that at all. The test is.

Okay, so how does this curling work?

So, one player pushes a heavy stone toward a target. Then...

What are you doing?

This sounded like it might be boring.

There. Much better. Continue.

So, two other players guide the stone toward the target

by sweeping in front of it.

We'll use this bucket as the stone.

You push it and I'll sweep.

Whatever you say, beautiful.

Ooh! Are you guys doing my favorite sport?

Bowling with no pins, no gutters, no bowling balls and using brooms?

Yes. Want to be on our team?

We need two sweepers if we're going to make the Olympics.

Oh, well, I would love to get back to the Olympics again.

Did I ever tell you I was on the US synchronized tennis team?

You mean synchronized swimming?

No. Synchronized tennis,

where two guys are playing singles and you run out onto the court

and try to mimic their every move.

Then security guards chase you and shoot you with a tranquilizer dart,

and you try to see how far you can run

before your body goes completely numb.

I won the silver.

Sorry I'm late for lunch class.

I got lost in the hallways.

Tee-hee, hee, hee, hee.

Olive? What are you doing?

Not saying I don't like it. I just wanna know.

Well, the test says I'm a dumb blonde,

so I guess I should start acting like one.

Which one of these is a fork?

Forks are the ones with the pointy things.

Actually, they're called tines.

Interesting factoid, forks weren't even common in Europe

until the 18th century.

Ugh! I'm even stupid at being stupid!

Hey. Don't sell yourself short.

You can be anything you want.

A dumb blonde, my girlfriend, anything!

Hey, Olive.

Want half of my bread house?

See, this is who I should be spending time with.

Paisley, how can I be just like you?

First, you need to sew my name into your clothes.

But that says, "Made in Taiwan."

That's my "maiden" name.

Wow, I have so much to unlearn from you.

Can you believe the audacity of Olive?

Like she's the only one of us who's...

Perspicacious.

Yeah! We could be smart without Olive.

Care to partake in a game of chess? I'll let you be the prawn.

You know, you're not the easiest person to be smart with.

Are you calling me stupid?

No, I'm calling you lacking in cognizance.

That's better.

Sweep faster!

I've yelled at dozens of maids in my lifetime,

and you guys are by far the worst!

(Both laugh excitedly)

Oh. Great news!

I just checked online

and I'm now the number one ranked curler in California.

You're number one in a sport?

How'd that happen?

Because the only other guy who played it just died.

I'm number one!

Well, I don't know anything about curling,

except that I can do it better than you.

Maybe I'll give it a go.

No! You can't do that.

Why? Afraid of a little competition?

(Scoffs) I'm not afraid of a little competition.

I'm afraid of any competition.

Bring it on, pip-squeak.

We're going to mop the floor with your team.

Uh, I thought we were using brooms. I'm afraid of mops.

They remind me of witches.

Why? Witches ride on brooms.

(Screams)

There you are, Chyna. I've been searching the globe for you.

I found China, but apparently, it's a different China.

Anyway, you need to get ready for tomorrow.

Why? What's tomorrow?

The regional high school Acadecathlon.

Ten events testing feats of brain power.

Principal Skidmore wants you to represent Webster

since you have the highest IQ.

-Am I entered? -No.

Oh, good! Your books are finally here.

You might want to quickly memorize all of them.

The aca-dacka-alpaca... Who named this stupid thing?

I have to memorize all of these books

and you're just giving them to me now?

Well, it would have cost an extra $1.75 to have them shipped overnight,

so I used the 14-day bulk rate.

Gibson, there is no way I can win this.

Well, you better figure out a way, because Webster has never lost.

And if you lose, you will feel Principal Skidmore's rash.

-Uh, you mean her wrath? -Nope.

Okay, if you're going to be like me, you should do things I do.

Like, right now, I'm reading this book.

War & Peace? How far have you gotten?

Halfway through. The title.

I sounded out "war" but what is this letter?

Actually, it's a logogram called an ampersand.

I mean, it's a squiggly-doo!

Paisley, have you seen...

Olive?

What are you wearing?

You look ridiculous.

Ridicaluss?

Me no understand.

You took the words right out of my face hole.

(Olive) Right?

Listen, I know we had that big fight earlier,

but I was way out of line.

That's why I'm going to make it up to you

and let you compete in the aca-dacka-Chewbacca...

-Acadecathlon? -Yes.

Skidmore wants me to do it, but I don't care what she wants.

I owe you one.

Don't pretend like you're doing this for me.

Obviously you're just trying to get out of doing it yourself.

What do you think I am, stupid?

-Yes. -No!

Listen, Olive. Forget what the IQ test says.

There's no better person to compete tomorrow.

Well, me no thinks a stupid person like me

would do very goodly at a fancy smart person contest.

Let's go, Paisley.

We aren't smart enough to hang around Chyna squiggly-doo Fletcher.

Who's squiggly-doo?

Oh, wow, the local news is here?

This is a big deal!

And your competition looks really smart.

Fletcher, you're not helping.

When have you ever known me to help?

All right.

Did you memorize everything in those books?

No. I can't remember facts.

But I can remember lyrics.

It was a ton of work, but I took all the information

and turned it into songs.

I actually wrote a pretty good dance song about the cardiovascular system.

I rhymed "angioplasty" with "ooh, you so nasty." (Laughs)

All right, the host should be here any minute.

Some guy named (in British accent) Thomas Norden.

(Laughs)

-(Chittering) -That's Professor Thomas Norden.

A porpoise?

The host is a porpoise?

I'm a dolphin, you ignoramus.

But I guess we all look alike to you.

You can talk?

Yes. I speak through this computerized translator

because you humans are too arrogant to learn to speak Dolphin.

Wow. This dolphin has a real chip on his shoulder.

Well, for a guy with no shoulders.

Welcome to the aca-dacka-alpaca...

Who named this thing?

All right, our first competition is a crossword challenge.

First one to accurately complete their puzzle wins.

Begin.

Okay. One across...

Okay. "What is the world's fifth tallest mountain?"

No problem.

♪ You will never rest When you climb Everest ♪

♪ The second best view Is at the top of K2 ♪

♪ You'll shout cowabunga! ♪

♪ When you ascend Kanchenjunga... ♪

(Bell chiming)

We have a winner!

The student from the Sumpter Bridgett Academy.

(Chyna) What?

He already answered that question?

He answered all the questions.

But I didn't even get to the chorus.

For the second event, use the materials in front of you

to build a molecular model of the element with atomic number 81.

So easy.

If you want a real challenge, try doing this.

Begin.

(Clock ticking)

♪ If you're having dinner at the periodic table ♪

♪ You need one place setting for Mr. Hydrogen... ♪

(Bell chiming)

Time's up! Yale Eastlake takes it.

Wait! But I almost had the answer.

(Laughing)

Everyone's laughing at Chyna. I can't watch this.

Sure you can. Just move your hands, silly.

The janitor's on your team?

No fair! This is an amateur competition!

That guy's a pro!

Let's start. May the best man win.

I don't want the best man to win.

I want to win!

Come on, sweep like your lives depend on it!

Because they do!

Witches aren't real!

-Yes! -Yes!

For the next competition,

arrange this series of books in chronological order

based on year of publication. Begin.

(Plays pitch pipe)

♪ Tolstoy! ♪

Chyna, people are laughing at you. You have to do something.

Stop putting pressure on me!

This is terrible. That's not how you fold a fitted sheet.

Plus, she's embarrassing herself.

I have to help her.

Chyna, let me take it from here.

So you think you can just come into the middle of this competition

-and save us? -Yeah.

Good. She stinks.

It's a trick.

Dostoyevsky's The Idiot was serialized in 1868,

but wasn't published as a book until 1869,

so it comes after Alcott's Little Women.

-An obvious trap. -No.

An obvious trap is a tuna net.

Webster wins the round.

And FYI, The Idiot is my nickname for each of my fellow competitors.

And that is the breakdown

of the causes of how dinosaurs became extinct.

Yes, and the same fate awaits you foolish humans.

What? I didn't say anything. We have no plans.

-Webster High wins! -(Bell chiming)

You did it, Olive.

Thank you so much. You completely saved my butt.

Well, if there's two things I really love, it's you

and organizing timelines of dead authors.

Well, I'm sorry I made you feel dumb.

And I'm sorry I overreacted.

It's just so much of my identity is tied up with being smart.

Well, you're more than just smart.

You're kind, and fun and you're my best friend.

Excuse me.

Look, Paisley.

We had some fun times, but all good things must come to an end.

And I want you to know that it's not you, it's me.

We're from two different worlds and it wasn't meant to be.

I like oranges!

I don't understand, Olive.

How could the IQ test say you weren't smart

when you just crushed everyone?

I don't know. And who cares about some test?

I know I'm smart and that's all that matters.

Shoot!

So I did all this for nothing?

Did all what, Angus?

Never mind.

Angus?

Did you do something to the test results?

If by "something" you mean logged into the system,

made Olive look dumb so it'd lower her self-esteem

so she would go out with me...

Then no.

-Angus! -(Screams)

That's it, humans.

Turn on each other.

(Laughing)

Okay. We're winning.

We would have been more ahead if somebody wasn't a choke artist!

(Whimpers)

Okay, guys.

We're neck and neck.

Actually, we're neck, neck, neck and neck, neck, neck.

Because there are six necks.

I'm very good at counting necks.

(Both) Yeah!

Yes! We did it!

After beating a janitor, a wolf mascot, and a little girl,

nobody can stand in our way!

Ooh.

Want to get up here, Lexi? I've got three more shoulders.

Uh, I'm not as good at counting shoulders.

Well, all we have to do now is practice curling

for nine hours a day, six days a week, for the next three years,

and we'll be ready for the Olympics.

You've got to be kidding me!

I'm not spending three years with you.

How about now?

Well, how can I say no to that face?