Original subtitles

Wow. This is so much better than the carnival Dad took us to last year.

That wasn't a carnival. He just sold us popcorn in the back yard

while they tented our house for termites.

Well, the snacks are better here.

They even have deep fried milkshakes!

Uh, how much was that?

Because Mom only gave us 100 dollars,

and she's expecting change back.

No, she gave me 100 dollars and put me in charge

because I'm older and more responsible.

You're responsible? Last week, you lost your keys.

While playing on the roof.

Of a fireworks factory.

Hey, Chyna.

Don't be sad, Olive. I know it's summer, but don't worry,

school will start up again in seven and a half weeks.

That's not why I'm upset.

My mom's making me donate all my old dolls to the toy drive.

Oh, that's nice.

No, it's not nice! These are my babies!

Wow. Your babies are ugly.

Don't you talk about Eleanor Roosevelt that way!

It's all right, Ellie.

She's just jealous because she was never chairman of the Presidential Commission

on the Status of Women.

(Laughs)

Where's Cameron? Ever since last summer

when he got lifted away by that pelican, I get so nervous.

(Theme song playing)

(Whoo!)

♪ Everybody's got that thing ♪

♪ Something different we all bring ♪

♪ Don't you let 'em clip your wings ♪

♪ You got it You got it ♪

♪ We're on fire and we blaze ♪

♪ In extraordinary ways ♪

♪ 365 days ♪

♪ We got it We got it ♪

♪ You can dream it ♪

♪ You can be it ♪

♪ If you can feel it ♪

♪ You can believe it ♪

♪ 'Cause I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional Exceptional ♪

♪ Yeah, I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional Exceptional ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh ♪

(Whoo!)

Here it is, Angus, one of the fastest,

scariest roller coasters in the country, The Death Spiral.

Cool! I'm finally tall enough to ride it now that I've had my growth spurt!

You've had your growth spurt?

I don't know why they call it the Death Spiral.

I wasn't even scared for a second.

You should tell that to your face.

Look at the baby, cwying on the wittle woller coaster!

(All laughing)

I guess this is it. Goodbye, girls.

Sorry, Susan B. Anthony. Goodbye, women.

Lexi? You're donating your doll to charity, too?

No! I hate Charity!

Look at her. She's always looking down on everybody!

I brought Little Lexi because I've entered her

in the doll beauty pageant.

A pageant for dolls?

Well, maybe if one of my dolls won,

my mom would see that they really aren't worthless.

Which obviously they aren't, because they're made from polyvinyl chloride,

which currently trades at 7,200 Chinese yuan per ton.

Whatever.

I have to get Little Lexi in her evening gown.

Well, into her doll girdle, then her evening gown.

Paisley! Hurry up with Little Lexi's bags!

Sorry. I had a really hard time parking Little Lexi's car.

Cameron?

Cameron?

Come on! Daddy needs a giant stuffed panda!

Daddy doesn't really know why!

Cameron, you're throwing our money down the toilet!

Literally!

(Groans) I keep missing.

We share a bathroom. I could have told you

you have bad aim when it comes to toilets.

Listen, we don't have that much money.

At least play something you have the skills to win at.

Okay.

Where's that booth where you have to guess your age?

I think I can get pretty close.

You don't guess your own age!

-(Buzzing) -See?

Now, this is a game we should play!

Give me five bucks.

-(Groans) -Come on.

Here you go.

(Music speeds up)

(Buzzing)

(Cameron laughing)

You lost!

Well, I didn't know the music was going to speed up like that.

But now I do, so give me five more bucks.

Forget it, Chyna. Let's go do something fun.

This is fun! I'm having fun! Give me five more bucks!

(Buzzing)

Oh, come on! Give me five more bucks!

Let it go, Chyna. You don't have to win at everything.

I know I don't have to win at everything.

Just this thing! Give me money! Let's go! Let's go!

There! I did it!

-(Note plays) -(Buzzes)

I'm starting to think you don't want me to win.

Give me five more bucks!

I can't! We don't have any more money. You spent it all.

What? Mom's gonna kill us!

(Ominous song plays)

Haven't you done enough?

I'm not waiting in this line again

just so you can get a better picture.

No, come on! I can't go by myself.

What am I, a loser with no friends?

Dude, don't ask a question you don't want the answer to.

Just one more time.

I'm telling you, this picture is going to be way better.

It is way better. Can I get this on a T-shirt?

Or a mug? Or a billboard?

That's not fair. I had something in my eye.

Yeah, tears.

(All laughing)

I can't believe you lost all our money.

And I'm starving. I've got to find something to eat.

Ah! We're in luck.

What? You want a bite?

No, I don't want a bite!

Being hungry is the least of our problems.

If we don't come home with some change for Mom,

she's gonna take a bite out of us.

Hey! I know!

We can use this empty booth

to set up our own game and win back the money we lost.

(Sighs)

But we don't have any prizes.

We don't need prizes because the game will be impossible

and no one will ever win.

But don't there need to be prizes people think they can win

to get them to want to play?

Oh, sure! Poke holes in my plan with logic and reason!

And since when did you start using logic and reason?

I don't even know you anymore.

Okay, which one of these dolls should I enter?

Ooh! Amelia Earhart!

Where is she?

(Gasps) She's missing!

Give it up. None of your dolls are going to beat Little Lexi.

Blow dryer! Blow dryer!

Paisley, do I have to do everything myself?

Sorry, I was busy getting ready for the pageant.

I've decided to enter my favorite doll.

Belinda's a little bloated, but she's got a great personality.

(Announcer) And now, welcome your host,

the star of the hit 1970s children's show,

Poppyseed Place,

Bernie!

A doll pageant? There's seven people in the audience!

There were more people in my police lineup this morning!

(Groans) Let's get this over with.

Who is that supposed to be?

This is Marie Curie.

She discovered two radioactive isotopes, polonium and radium.

(Chuckles) What she should've discovered is lipstick.

I think she looks very distinguished.

Shut up, Paisley!

(Screams)

Cameron, get over here help me hang up these decoy prizes!

Those are Olive's dolls.

Did you take them from the donation box?

No, I would never do something like that.

I took them from Olive.

But don't worry. I'll give them back when we're done.

Okay. So, now, all we need to decide is

what kind of game to set up.

It has to look fun, but be nearly impossible to win.

Checkers! Hopscotch! Peek-a-boo!

Hey, look! Here's a box of old carnival supplies.

We can open a Pelt the Penguin booth.

People try to knock down these penguins

by throwing snowballs.

It's broken. It's missing a penguin.

Don't worry. I know just how to fix it.

Okay, so how are you going to fix it?

(Sighing) The roller coaster? Again?

There are other rides!

One more ride. I promise!

Now, I know exactly when they take the photo.

I'll be ready this time.

-(Sighing) -Or one of these times.

There must be something wrong with your camera.

I have never once made that face!

-(Bursts) -(Screams)

(Announcer) Next up, we have the swimsuit portion of the pageant.

Wow, look at all these wrinkles.

Guess that's what happens when you live out of a suitcase.

And not because I'm a puppet,

but because my wife threw me out.

Little Lexi is wearing a suit

I like to call "give one-piece a chance."

As you can see, Belinda slimmed down for this event.

What an airhead. And I'm not talking about the doll.

This is so demeaning.

Making our dolls parade around in these skimpy outfits.

Yeesh. Good thing her face is covered.

She's hard on the old ping-pong balls.

Step right up, folks! Knock down three penguins and win a prize!

Three snowballs for a dollar!

Sorry.

(Softly) Suckers.

See, Cameron?

These things are next to impossible to knock down.

We'll have our money in no time.

Yo, carny! Let's go! I've got places to be!

Oh.

Here you go, little girl.

If you want, you can stand a little closer.

Nah, I'm good. Now, let's do this thing!

Orphan style!

Uh-oh.

(Whimpering)

Oh, wow! You have really good aim.

But I bet this last penguin will be very hard to knock down!

(Grunts)

I win! I win! Doll me!

Oh, uh...

You don't want these dolls because

they're possessed.

They're about to be possessed...

By me.

Set 'em up again! Come on, while I'm still five!

I'm sorry, but we're closed.

Nice try. I can play this game as long as I got the green.

Oh!

Ow!

(Groans)

(Sighs)

Ow!

Here you go. Our last doll.

How am I gonna tell Olive?

Just throw it on top.

Today, old lady!

Welcome to the final portion of the pageant, the talent event!

And just a reminder, I'll be signing photos after the show.

Huh! I did not age well.

All right! One of you dames go first. I don't care which.

For Little Lexi's talent, I made a video of her doing her favorite hobby.

Martial arts.

(Grunting)

(Ninja screaming)

Thank you!

And you should know that Little Lexi dedicates this performance

to her fiance, who's currently serving overseas.

I also served. Two years in prison, for assault and puppetry.

Belinda's talent is...

Let me guess. Boxing?

Putting things in boxes is not a talent.

Belinda and I will be dancing the tango.

(Tango music playing)

(Air hissing)

If you're looking for somewhere to dump that body,

I might know a few places.

Don't worry, I know mouth to valve!

(Groans) Let's move this along.

I gotta get to a red carpet in Hollywood.

Yes, I'm dating a piece of red carpet.

Don't judge me!

My doll's talent is chemistry.

Now, these are volatile chemicals.

So, when you handle them, you should always wear protective gear.

We look forward to seeing your reaction to this reaction.

(Chuckling) It's chemistry humor.

-(Explosion) -(Shrieks)

See? I told you protective gear was important.

Wow, I haven't seen a bomb like that

since I went to see Cookie Monster on Broadway

in The Color Purple.

The guy's blue for Pete's sake! It made no sense!

Look what you did to Little Lexi!

She used to be smoking hot.

Now, she's just smoking.

(Crowd booing)

Okay, okay, yes. I destroyed the entire pageant,

but the fact is, it deserves to be destroyed!

Pageants like this just celebrate superficial things,

like beauty and clothing!

This pageant is disgusting

and I am humiliated to be a part of it!

Well, since all the other dolls are out of commission,

you win by default.

I won! I won!

It is the happiest moment of my life.

Thank you so much!

I love you! I love you all!

(Sobbing)

We have to find that orphan and get those dolls back,

or Olive will never forgive me.

(Grunts) I think she's nearby.

There she is!

Yes!

Hey there, you... Cute little ragamuffin.

Listen, those dolls belong to a friend of mine

and I really need them.

Boo-hoo! Take a hike.

Please? We'll give you all your money back.

Did you look closely at that money?

Is Little Orphan Annie supposed to be on the 20?

You can't use fake money!

At a fake game? Sure I can!

Please. I really need those dolls.

I don't think you want them anymore.

I melted them down.

Did you know that polyvinyl chloride

trades at 7,200 Chinese yuan per ton?

Hey, look! I think this one's real.

Oliver Twist was one of our presidents, right?

Olive! I have really bad news.

I know this sounds crazy,

but there's a wild pack of criminal orphans roaming the fairgrounds.

And they took your dolls, which I was holding for safekeeping.

-Yeah? -No.

I'm sorry, Olive. I know how much those dolls meant to you.

Eh. I don't care about those rejects.

Momma's got a winner!

It's nice that the carnival has healthy food choices.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just hurry up and finish your deep fried salad!

Come on! The roller coaster's going to close.

We are not going on that thing again!

I promise!

A wise man taught me to conquer my fears by slowing my breathing.

What wise man?

The guy who cleans the porta-potties.

He can hold his breath for 25 minutes.

This picture is going to be perfect.