Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

What are you guys doing?

I gave Principal Skidmore a hairpin that's actually a wireless webcam.

What are you smiling about? This is a school!

(all laughing)

We can see everything she sees?

As long as she's in range of the receiver.

Which pretty much covers any place in the school.

(all exclaiming)

What's Skidmore looking at now?

Oh. She's looking at a group of kids.

And it looks like they're watching something on a monitor.

Uh-oh.

Chyna! You gave me this!

This is what you rotten kids use the Internet for?

No. We also use it for online shopping.

Isn't that where you bought the webcam?

(stutters) Webcam?

It has a webcam?

I just got you this because it's cute. See?

That's it!

I am turning off Internet access in this school,

-effective immediately! -(all groaning)

And you have Chyna to thank!

(groaning)

(children shouting)

♪ Ooh, ooh, doo, doo ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, doo, doo ♪

Whoo!

♪ Everybody's got that thing ♪

♪ Something different we all bring ♪

♪ Don't you let 'em clip your wings ♪

♪ You got it, you got it ♪

♪ We're on fire and we blaze ♪

♪ In extraordinary ways ♪

♪ 365 days ♪

♪ We got it, we got it ♪

♪ You can dream it ♪

♪ You can be it ♪

♪ If you can feel it ♪

♪ You can believe it ♪

♪ 'Cause I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Yeah, I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Whoo!

(students shouting)

(panting)

Wow. People are really angry at me about this whole Internet thing.

I think I got rebooted a couple of times.

(sighs) Well, at least you guys don't blame me.

You destroyed what I love.

Now I'm going to destroy what you love.

(whirring)

(loud crash)

I don't understand why everyone is so upset.

We can still go on the Internet with our cell phones.

No, we can't. Skidmore jammed our cell phones.

You're lucky.

She peanut-buttered mine.

Well, back when we had the Internet,

I read online that kids used to do stuff without the Internet.

Like, we could go to that park across the street and fly a kite.

How are we supposed to find our way across the street

without looking up directions online?

How do you think people crossed the road before there was an Internet?

They followed the chicken?

Wait!

How are we supposed to do schoolwork without Internet?

I have a paper due this afternoon.

Why don't you guys just use the library?

We have a library?

(glass shattering)

Okay. Seriously, people?

Just because the Internet is out,

there's no reason to resort to violence.

Actually, this is just what people are using now instead of email.

(all laughing)

L.O.L.

(glass shattering)

Lexi, you get Internet out here?

What? No.

I only have this laptop to use the webcam as a mirror.

Well, I better get to class.

Okay, I'll see you later, honey. I'll miss you.

Wait.

Cameron? Remember your invisible girlfriend?

I think I'm seeing her now.

Lexi, this is Vanessa.

My actual girlfriend.

My actual girlfriend.

Is he holding you against your will? Are you in danger?

Blink twice if you want me to call the authorities.

(chuckles) I'll see you after school, sweetie.

-(sighs) -This is very upsetting.

If a girl like that can end up with someone like you,

I could end up with someone only slightly more attractive than you!

I'm telling you. There must be something wrong with her.

Just accept it. She finds me irresistible.

Look at yourself.

You're resistible.

I'm telling you,

there must be some other reason she's interested in you.

Maybe she's a vampire with a thirst for human blood.

No, she babysits.

Why would anyone hire a babysitter who's a vampire?

Maybe Vanessa's an alien!

And her species is here to take over the bodies of humans.

Naturally, it's easier to take control of someone weak-minded.

Someone without a real personality. An empty shell!

Yeah. Like that.

(all coughing)

Well, the library does exist.

I don't understand. How do you find what you need in here?

You just ask the librarian for help.

Excuse me, Miss. We really need...

(screaming)

(shushing)

This is a library.

Don't freak out. Librarians always look better

when they take off their glasses and let down their hair.

(all screaming)

See? Cute, huh?

Excuse me, headless skinny lady.

I need to get some information on penguins for my science assignment.

You came to the right place.

Libraries aren't just filled with dust and corpses.

They're also filled with all kinds of valuable information!

She is right.

Here, Paisley, use this.

Thanks!

None of these apps are working.

Thanks, Chyna. Now I'll never know what a penguin is.

Penguins are a group of aquatic, flightless birds

that are members of the Spheniscidae family,

native to the southern hemisphere, especially Antarctica.

(all clamoring)

Of course! Anything you need from the Internet,

you can get from us!

Information,

images,

music, and funny videos!

We'll be the ANTernet!

Good, because I'm getting tired of sending email by brick.

-(glass shattering) -(screaming)

I hate when people use "reply all."

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Privet!

Welcome to Hippo's House of Borscht.

Where we're rushin' to serve you.

Although not really. I get winded easily.

This is your new theme?

Russia's really in right now?

I don't know. Usually I look online to find out what's in,

but since I "borrow" wi-fi from the school,

this was just a shot in the dark.

Your server today will be Alexi.

Take good care of them, dollface.

Here's something I never thought I'd say to you, Cameron.

(chuckles)

Table for two?

I just wanted you to know, you were wrong.

I have proof Vanessa is not an alien.

She rode here in the basket of my bike

and not once did we leave the ground.

Whatever. I have my own problems,

like having to wear this stupid, uncomfortable costume.

That's better.

Good question. I love Slovakia!

It boasts beautiful mountains

with Gerlachovsky stit being its highest peak at 2,655 meters.

Wait, you're the geography teacher. Shouldn't you know this?

Here you go. A picture of a hot chick.

(purrs)

(in British accent) Ouch! Ouch Charlie!

(wailing)

Charlie bit me, and that really hurt, Charlie.

(laughter)

I also do music downloads.

♪ So you didn't show up ♪

♪ My heart didn't blow up ♪

♪ I ain't gonna lose it all tonight ♪

See? Isn't this better than getting your music from piracy?

(sword swishing)

(imitates pirate yelling)

♪ So ya didn't show up ♪

♪ My heart didn't blow up ♪

♪ I ain't gonna lose it all tonight ♪

I have a question.

Sure. What would you like to know?

Why are my parents always fighting?

That's an easy one.

According to statistical research,

the vast majority of conflict among couples

is caused by financial stress,

communication issues, or lack of quality time together.

Next!

(sobbing)

Olive! Paisley has a real problem,

and she needs emotional support, not cold hard facts.

That's what Internet would have told her.

Well, we're not computers.

We're human.

Hmm? Oh, thanks.

(playing pop music)

Oh! Cute!

Am I crazy, or does this borscht taste like foot?

You're crazy.

I don't feel so well.

I don't get why this place isn't busier.

I put these on every windshield in town.

Maybe you should consider using a pretty girl

instead of whatever the heck this is.

A pretty girl. Great idea!

There's one over there!

Hey there. I was wondering if you might be interested

in posing for some flyers for my restaurant.

Because my current flyer is getting a somewhat mixed reaction.

I love it, but everyone else hates it.

I actually am a model.

Awesome! Can you come by for a photo shoot later?

Sure, but you should know I'm an alien.

You mean you're from up there?

Yeah. Canada.

Since I'm from another country, do I need a work permit?

Work permit? (scoffs)

I don't even have a restaurant license.

Just show up here tonight at six with your makeup on.

Hi, Mom! Having fun on your cruise?

(sighs) Things are going really well down here.

I just got a new assignment. No, it doesn't matter that I'm an alien.

All I have to do is show up with my face on.

(exclaims)

Oh, Cameron, I didn't see you there.

I was just calling my mother's ship.

Paisley?

Paisley?

Are you in here?

(Paisley) No. Go away.

Well, she's not in here. Let's go.

No.

We need to help her. She needs a shoulder to cry on.

Here.

Olive.

Um, Paisley, are you okay?

Is there anything I can do?

There's lots of things you can do,

play instruments, write songs, make friends.

Wait, why am I cheering you up?

I don't think I'll ever stop crying.

Oh, sure you will.

Tears are mostly water, so you'll eventually become dehydrated,

which, if untreated, can result in delirium,

unconsciousness, swelling of the tongue

and in extreme cases, death.

(sobbing)

(sighs)

Olive, we're supposed to be making her feel better.

Hey. You want to see a video that always makes me smile?

(vocalizing)

(vocalizing)

(whining)

Paisley, all parents fight.

It's a natural part of all relationships.

But I love them so much and I hate to see them unhappy.

Well, I'm sure they have some good times together.

They used to.

Well, why don't we throw them a romantic dinner and rekindle their romance?

That's a great idea, creepy singing man.

Where did Chyna go?

(screams)

What are you doing in my locker?

Hiding from Vanessa.

You know, I thought I'd be claustrophobic in here,

but all these mirrors really open up the room.

Why are you hiding from Vanessa?

I found out she is an alien.

Yeah, Hippo told me.

And yet he hired her as a model and not me.

I should call the government and have them come and take her away.

What? No! I don't want anything to happen to her!

Even though we're from two different worlds,

our love can survive!

Aw, that's amazing.

Thanks, Lexi.

No, I meant my complexion.

Just when I thought I couldn't get any prettier.

(Chyna) This dinner for Paisley's parents has to be perfect.

Angus, what are you making?

Chipped beef.

Hi, guys.

Paisley? Where are your parents?

Right here.

(both chirping)

Those are parrots.

Right. My parrots. The ones I said are always fighting.

(parrot 1) Stop nagging, you old buzzard!

(parrot 2) Shut your trap, birdbrain!

I don't know why everyone keeps talking about it.

There's nothing fun about angry birds.

Okay, there must have been a misunderstanding.

We thought you were bringing your parents.

My parents wouldn't fit in this cage.

Well, I guess we're done here.

What about the romantic dinner?

You promised you'd help them.

(crying)

Come on, guys. Paisley really needs our help.

They may just be parrots to us,

but they're obviously really important to her.

Don't cry, Paisley. We can still have the dinner.

For your birds.

Here you go. Two soups with extra crackers.

(parrot 1) Keep stuffing your gizzard, you tub of lard!

(parrot 2) At least I'm not going bald!

This isn't working.

Hey. You want these birds to stop fighting?

Give me five minutes alone with them.

You going to put them in chipper?

I don't hear a better plan.

Give me five minutes alone with them.

I'll talk to them.

Uh, I don't know, Olive.

You're not always the most sensitive person.

What? I am super sensitive.

Really? When Fletcher broke his arm at his birthday party

and had to go to the hospital,

you just said, "More cake for us!"

Welcome to my new restaurant, Hippo's Petri Dish.

Where we're allowed to have bacteria in the food because it's science-y.

What happened to the Russian theme?

Russia is very out right now.

Except in Russia, where it remains moderately popular.

Lexi! Take over while I do the photo shoot!

Lexi, why are you dressed like that?

Well, I figured if one pretty girl would bring in customers,

think of what would happen if you used one pretty girl

and one even prettier girl.

I like the way you think.

But where am I going to find another pretty girl on such short notice?

Now go get into your dissected frog costume.

Okay, strike a pose.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

All right, all right, all right, that's great.

-(camera clicking) -Just act like I'm not even here.

Stay still. This'll be over before you know it.

You monsters!

I won't let you cut open this poor creature!

Cameron? What are you doing?

Saving you! And destroying this torture chamber!

(grunts)

What is this, reinforced steel?

There you go, hero of Earth.

Hey! This restaurant's theme is science,

not jerks that come in and smash everything.

Although that's a pretty good hook.

A hook?

Is that what you're going to use to tear open her face?

So what if under all that makeup she's a beast?

Where she comes from this is probably considered hideous.

Where I come from, too.

Well, I won't let you cut her open!

And I don't care that she's an alien!

I love her!

Aw. I love you, too.

But I wouldn't think being from Canada is that big a deal.

Canada?

You're from Canada?

That gives me an idea! A Canadian-themed restaurant!

We could serve chow mein and play backgammon.

I don't really know very much about Canada.

So, how did it go?

Hear for yourself.

-(parrot 1) You're the best! -(parrot 2) I love you!

Wow, Olive!

Who would have thought five minutes alone with you would be so amazing?

(squawking)

Thanks, guys!

You don't have to thank us.

You should just thank me. Because I did it all.

Wow, Olive. I guess I misjudged you.

You really can go deeper than just spouting facts.

(parrot 1) Interesting factoid.

(parrot 2) Parrots mimic human speech.

But they have no vocal cords

so sound is accomplished by expelling air

across the mouth of the bifurcated trachea.

Wait a minute.

You just got them to repeat things you said.

-That's not true. -(parrot 1) That's not true.

(parrot 2) That's not true.

You didn't resolve their issues at all.

They don't have issues.

They don't hate each other?

No. They weren't fighting.

They were just repeating nasty things they've heard people in your house say.

My mother was right. I'm too good for you.

Uh, Paisley.

I hate to tell you this,

but I think your mom and dad might be fighting.

Oh yeah, they fight all the time.

(parrot 1) Get off my back, woman!

(parrot 2) Get off the couch, deadbeat!

(chuckles) "Get off the couch, deadbeat!"

That is so Mom.

Everyone, I've decided to turn the Internet back on.

(all cheering)

So what happened, Principal Skidmore?

Did you finally realize that the free flow of information

is more important to society

than the feelings of one old lady in pancake makeup?

No. I realized I was missing important emails.

Like the one saying the superintendent was coming to do an inspection.

By the way, if he asks, the librarian is still alive,

and they should continue issuing her paychecks.

Why is everyone so happy?

This is a school.

Principal Skidmark is turning the Internet back on.

Oh! Thank goodness.

Because I'm tired of doing Dramatic Chipmunk.

(ominous music playing)