Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

Wow, we're going to put on a great dance.

This donation box is really full.

Yeah. Beep.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

What are you doing?

I'm letting the traffic know I'm going in reverse.

What traffic?

The other giant boxes moving down the hallway?

What's the matter with you?

My box had the right of way!

What's in there, your ego?

(laughing)

I'll have you know, this box is from a clothing drive.

I had my dad drive me to the mall and buy me clothing.

Well, if you have any change left over,

would you like to donate to the dance committee?

The only thing I'm going to donate to the dance committee

is this friendly advice.

Don't mess it up!

Don't worry, with us in charge, it will be ANT-tastic!

You're right, that sounds stupid.

Good thing we didn't print it on 2,000 posters.

Okay, let's see how much we raised.

-Ah! -Ah!

What are you doing in there?

I'm afraid Violet's going to ask me to the dance,

so I've been living in here for a week.

Fletcher, this is our donation box, not your panic room.

You've known me long enough to know

that any room I'm in is automatically a panic room.

Ooh, here's 11 bucks.

Hey, that's my wallet!

-Too bad. It was in the box. -Yeah.

♪ Ooh, ooh, doo, doo ♪

-♪ Ooh, ooh, doo, doo ♪ -Whoo!

♪ Everybody's got that thing ♪

♪ Something different We all bring ♪

♪ Don't you let 'em Clip your wings ♪

♪ You got it, you got it ♪

♪ We're on fire and we blaze ♪

♪ In extraordinary ways ♪

♪ 365 days ♪

♪ We got it, we got it ♪

♪ You can dream it You can be it ♪

♪ If you can feel it You can believe it ♪

♪ 'Cause I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Yeah, I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Ooh, ooh ♪ -Whoo!

Well, the only thing we collected for the dance

is the stuff in Fletcher's wallet.

It's $11 and his immunization card.

Your mother takes you to a vet?

I've never had fleas.

And if I behave, he always gives me these cookies.

Well, I hope we have enough money for a DJ.

Because my first high school dance is a great opportunity

to bust out my moves.

Fletchie! There you are! Think fast!

Ow! What was that for?

-Look at what's on the ball. -My blood?

No, silly. A note.

"Will you go to the dance with me?"

I'd love to go to the dance with you, Fletchie!

What? No. I can't take you to the dance

because...

I already told Chyna I'd go with her.

When did that happen?

Yeah, when did that happen?

She had been begging me for days,

and the truth is, I felt a little sorry for her.

Right. That's what happened.

Thank you, Fletcher,

for taking pity on someone as desperate as I am.

You can have any girl in the school, and you choose Chyna?

(screaming)

Thank you. You saved my life.

No problem.

As long as it's clear we're just going as friends.

Of course. Friends it is.

Boyfriend and girlfriend.

So, Cameron, the dance is coming up.

Yes, I'll go with you!

I'm not asking you on a date.

I just brought up the dance

so I could brag how I've already been invited by 27 different boys,

including the captain of the debate team.

He's not that cute, but he talked me into it.

Hi, I'm Jeanne Gossamer.

I'm new here.

(talking gibberish)

Is there somewhere specific I should sit?

What's wrong with you?

(talking gibberish)

Chyna, I know how much this dance means to you,

-this being our first date and all... -It's not a date.

I'm just doing you a favor.

I know that. I just say it for Violet's benefit.

She's not here.

Huh. So she isn't.

The point is, I've solved all of our money problems!

I got us one billion dollars!

Nice try, Fletcher.

You're not going to fool anyone

with a bill that has Chyna's face on it.

(chuckling)

Hmm, I look good in a powdered wig.

Your work is really good.

Maybe we could raise enough money to throw an awesome dance

if we auctioned off some of your paintings.

Great idea.

I've got some terrific new pieces I'm sure people will love.

Including this one,

entitled Fletcher's Legitimate Date to the Dance.

Lexi, can I ask you a question?

The answer is dolphin milk.

What?

I'm sorry.

I thought the question was going to be,

"How do you get your hair so lustrous and full of body?"

I need your help.

How can I get a beautiful girl to go to the dance with me?

Go to the beach. Find an old lamp.

Rub it and hope a genie comes out and offers you a wish.

(sighs)

Don't you think I've tried that?

I'm sorry, Cameron, but the only time a beautiful girl

falls for a guy like you is in the movies.

But I have a huge crush on that new student, Jeanne,

-who is the prettiest girl I've seen... -Whoa. Slow down.

I don't know who this Jeanne is,

but obviously she's not the prettiest girl you've ever seen,

because you've seen moi.

"Moi" ?

That foreign exchange student from Korea?

He's nice and all, but Jeanne's more my type.

Welcome to the Fletcher Quimby auction.

Before we start the bidding, I left my lunch money at home,

so who can lend me $5, $5. Do I hear a $10? $10, $10.

Olive!

This is terrible. There's only one person here.

And Wacky's not going to buy anything.

He spent all his money on sheep's clothing.

I can't believe no one's interested in my art.

I'm a complete failure.

Sorry I let everyone down.

That's okay. We're used to it.

(sighs) This is a disaster.

We have no money and the dance is in three days!

What if we push the dance back from three days to...

Four days, four days, do I hear five days?

Five going once...

(in heavy accent) Is this the Fletcher Quimby art auction?

Yes.

I am Gnocchi, perfumer to the stars.

I design signature scents for all the celebrities.

What does this smell like?

(both coughing)

It smells like corduroy and beard sweat.

It's one of my best-selling colognes.

Galifianakis!

Is good, yes, no?

So, you're interested in Fletcher's art?

Yes, I saw the preview of your auction online

and his paintings, they spoke to me.

Literally, I heard them talk.

To be fair, I was in perfume factory

surrounded by a lot of weird chemicals.

I'd love to meet this artist. He's here, yes, no?

Unfortunately, you're too late.

Fletcher's gone.

Yeah. He was here one minute and then just like that, he left us.

Oh, no! He's no longer with us?

I'm afraid not.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You have my condolences.

What? No. We didn't mean that he was...

Wait a minute.

If he's dead, his artwork will skyrocket in value.

Are there any unsold paintings?

I'll pay top dollar!

Awesome!

Uh, I mean, Fletcher would have wanted it that way.

Hey, Cameron. What's with the outfit?

Is it so you can tell the teacher that you ate your own homework?

You don't think I've tried that?

But this is for something different.

I thought about what you said,

how guys like me only get beautiful girls in the movies.

So I'm acting out a scene from one of the most romantic movies of all time.

I think. I only watch cartoons.

Oh!

Would you like to sit down?

I don't believe we've officially met.

I'm Cameron.

(sighs) I'm glad you can say more than...

(talking gibberish)

Would you like a meatball?

Thank you.

How romantic.

Not very sanitary, but romantic.

If you like romance, how about going to the dance with me?

I'd love to.

(dance music playing)

Wow! The dance looks amazing.

I still can't believe anyone was interested in my art.

Well, you're an incredible artist.

This guy Gnocchi wanted to buy everything.

Yeah, once he found out you were dead.

-What? -(camera clicks)

Uh, yes.

Dead...icated to your art.

Olive, use the whole word next time.

You kids and your text speak.

Hey, Cameron, do you want your picture taken?

Of course. I want a lasting memory of this night,

which I will treasure until the day I die.

Okay. I don't want to hear your life story.

I'm only doing this to spend time with Baby Boo Boo.

Ow!

What's wrong?

You think it's odd I have a date who looks like this?

Nope. This doesn't surprise me at all.

Nice job planning the dance, Chyna!

Wait. Was that, "Nice job planning the dance, Chyna"

or, "Nice job planning the dance, Chyna"?

I didn't hear any difference.

But everyone's having a great time.

At least my dates are.

Your turn, number eleven!

Chyna, we should probably dance.

Not because it's something I've envisioned

since the day I laid eyes on you, but for Violet's sake.

(sighs) Maybe later.

Come on. Olive taught me some moves.

Fletcher, this is a slow song.

Even better.

(sniffing) Wait, what's that smell?

Sorry, I sweat when I'm nervous.

No. I smell...

(sniffs) Galifianakis!

Oh, no.

Gnocchi's here!

I know.

And if he sees Fletcher, we could go to jail for fraud!

I won't last a day in prison!

On average, their libraries only have like 20,000 books!

What is going on?

Look, the guy who bought all your paintings,

we may have accidentally given him the impression

that you were dead.

You what?

Look, I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you,

but he cannot know you're alive! So, go hide! Go!

Okay!

Hey, Gnocchi!

How nice to smell you again!

What are you doing here?

I stopped by because I figured the school might want this painting,

to remember Fletcher by.

It's his self-portrait, which he titled

The Man of Chyna's Dreams.

Wacky, I need your head!

(screaming)

That shrieking boy, that is Quimby, yes, no?

No, no. That's a Quimby, but that's not Fletcher.

That's his long lost twin.

Javier.

From Spain.

Say hola, Javier.

Uh...

Si, si. Hola... mademoiselle.

I read about the loss of my brother and wanted to pay my respects,

so I traveled all the way across

the Spanish-American land bridge.

Mi mas sentido pesame por la muerte de su hermano.

Taquito. Burrito. Ole.

Something does not smell right.

And it's not just my newest cologne, "Hasselhoff!"

Okay. This is not Fletcher's long lost twin from Spain.

Why he couldn't have had a long lost twin from Cleveland,

we'll never know.

You deceived me.

I want my money back or I will call the police.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Okay. I'm sorry we lied to you,

but maybe we can work something out.

Yeah. Like what if Fletcher here were to

meet with an unfortunate accident?

You keep your paintings, we keep our money, everyone wins.

Not everyone!

That's it, you're going to prison

and they're going to throw away the key.

Actually, most modern prisons have abandoned keys

in favor of electronic locking systems.

Hey.

Zach Galifianakis!

Yes, it is I.

You look much smaller in person.

The magic of the movies.

Bradley Cooper can fit in a tea cup.

Are you here because I used your scent without your permission?

Um...

Yes.

And I'm gonna make sure they put you in jail

and throw away the electronic locking system.

I'll be ruined!

I will have to go back to recording audio books!

Come...

You know, I'm good friends with Zach Galifianakis,

so I'm sure that if you drop your complaint with us,

I can get him to drop his complaint with you.

Never!

Do something!

I have been convinced!

Fine. You win this round!

But this is the only round, so I guess it's over.

(laughs) That was great!

Angus, you totally bailed us out.

How'd you come up with this plan?

What plan? I just pretend to be Zach Galifianakis

because it drives the ladies crazy.

You'll never believe what she promised me.

Olive.

Jeanne, you want to dance?

My bunion is healing nicely,

and I'm about 40% sure it's not infected.

How are you still single?

I cannot believe what I'm seeing.

Lexi Reed, this is Jeanne Gossamer.

See? I told you she was beautiful.

Who are you talking about?

I'm talking about Jeanne, my date.

What date? There's no one there.

Wow, talk about denial.

Cameron, your photos are ready.

(Cameron) I don't understand.

Why is Jeanne not in the pictures?

Why are you not in the...

What's wrong?

You think it's weird I have a date like this?

Nope. This doesn't surprise me at all.

What's wrong with you?

(talking gibberish)

But Jeanne came into the classroom.

I remember you were reading that catalog.

She was never there?

I knew there was no girl in this school prettier than me!

It defies all logic!

How could this be?

You imagined her.

Obviously you couldn't handle the grim reality

that you'd never have a date for the dance,

so your sub-conscious invented a date

to protect what tiny shred of self-worth you have.

Just ignore them, Cameron.

Why? Are they also imaginary?

Look, so Cameron's here alone. Big deal.

You don't need a girlfriend or a boyfriend

or 27 boyfriends to have a good time.

In fact...

She's going to sing, isn't she?

♪ So ya didn't show up ♪

♪ My heart didn't blow up ♪

♪ I ain't gonna Lose it all tonight ♪

♪ No, I'm not gonna fight it Totally excited ♪

♪ Just to be here underneath the lights ♪

♪ See my heart is going ♪

♪ Bum bum, ditty ditty Pump pump ♪

♪ Like a city That never sleeps ♪

♪ And my head is going ♪

♪ Bum bum, ditty ditty Pump pump ♪

♪ Turn it up and blast the... Blast the beat ♪

♪ Dancin' by myself ♪

♪ I don't need no help ♪

♪ Wishin' you were here ♪

♪ To see me Dancin' by myself ♪

♪ Got nobody else ♪

♪ But I don't really care ♪

♪ Believe me ♪

♪ Just keep dancing ♪

♪ Dancing ♪

♪ Dancing ♪

♪ By myself ♪

♪ Dancing ♪

♪ Dancing ♪

♪ Dancing ♪

♪ By myself ♪

Chyna, I really liked the message in your song.

You don't need a boyfriend to be happy.

But I do!

(yelps)

Thanks for that, Chyna. I really appreciate it.

Any time.

But what's wrong? You still seem upset.

Yeah, because the worst part of this whole thing is

I paid for two tickets to the dance!

No refunds.