Original subtitles

the dream is always the same

but instead of being in my room i'm in

someone else's

i look around and laying on the floor a

pair of panties

i bend down to pick them up

then i see her she pulls down the covers

to expose her incredibly perfect body

i don't know who she is but it's a dream

so i go with it

who are you she asks i say

joel you want to [ __ ] she asks

i say duh

then just as i'm about to kiss her she

asks

do you have a condom [ __ ]

deal breaker

rubbers there are no substitute

oh

uh

um

uh

um

um

oh

wow

um

oh

oh

[Laughter]

oh

oh

oh

oh

um

um

oh

oh my god

oh

oh

oh

joel get off the babysitter

who's that oh that's my dad

your dad's a cop

i'm gonna put you in the darkest jail

cell you've ever seen

the sound of the echoing bullhorn in my

head wakes me up

i see what time it is and realize i'm

totally screwed

as i run down the hallway i start to

realize something

my cardio sucks

i'm two hours late i have three minutes

to take the whole test

and i didn't even take homeek i've just

flushed any chance of getting into

college

my future was officially in the toilet

ah this is not good

yo bro you gotta get a phone call who is

it

some chick man she's on time

all right

hello that doesn't sound like a happy

joel

lana the one and only

long time no see you learning anything

up there

all my professors wouldn't say that i

actually just

slept through my midterm same old joel

some things never change you want me to

come up for a visit

lana will make everything all better

we could study

uh that sounds really tempting but i i

don't think that that's a good idea

we'll make a weekend of it maybe

i could bring some girlfriends i really

don't think that come on

it'll be great if we introduce your

friends to my friends

we can make a lot of money especially

now with all your new rich preppy frat

boy friends

we'll make a party of it oh yeah great

and maybe we can

invite guido along for the ride it'll be

just like the good old days

joel don't be such a drama queen

let me come up and see you you know you

want me to

sometimes i just gotta say what the [ __ ]

yeah i know i know but look just you all

right no friends

okay yeah i'll see you soon

yeah look no friends i

got it already bye

definitely bringing friends

15

so um who's that a chick that called

this out today

oh nobody just a friend

a friend huh friend with benefits

you could say that hot yeah gifted

oh yeah

friends

i guess we'll find out right now

kilo no g

how does he always do that

is this where the party's at and who are

these lovely ladies

friends my car died and vicki said she'd

give me a ride

but when donna heard we were coming up

here well she just wouldn't take no for

an answer

great just great

what the [ __ ] yeah what the [ __ ]

oh my goodness joe

why don't you introduce us to your hot

friends

oh poker i love poker

i wish i would have known i would have

brought a little bit more money

well maybe we could uh play for

something else

oh yeah what do you mean like strip

hooker

yeah you can do that oh yeah all right

let's do it come on vicky come play

yeah come on vicky hey

kilo no cheating

are you a cheater no no

never

i missed him i missed you

really of course well let's see how much

uh

uh

oh god

oh

peace

oh

hmm

um

ugh

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oh

oh

oh

oh

oh

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um

oh

oh

oh

hmm

oh

read them and weep aces and tens

yeah take them off boys

take them off baby let me get up

that is mm-hmm

oh what did your mommy buy anything oh

yeah she did you

want to call it a night or you want to

have a chance to get your clothes back

you know what i think i got an even

better idea come here

um

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ah

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ugh

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oh

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oh [ __ ] oh my god

oh

yeah just like that just like that

there it is

oh

oh

um

oh

wow

and that was just the beginning all it

took was a little word of mouth

there's nothing better for business than

a satisfied customer

soon it was all over campus i was

fielding a request from

everyone who jocks to the chess club

stoners to student teachers

everyone wanted what i had and they were

willing to pay for it

it became affectionately known as a

tutoring session

i'm not sure the faculty would have

agreed with their methods

but these students were getting the

education of a lifetime

mr goodman a word please

uh yes dean myers looks like i was about

to find out what the faculty's thoughts

really were

joel exactly what's going on here

well uh it's an after-school tutoring

group some of the students have

organized

it's quite a turnout how long are the

sessions

well that really depends on the students

some of them are quick

and others are willing to pay for a more

in-depth session

and the tutors are students or

professionals

well definitely professionals i mean it

makes all the difference

joel i'm gonna be real honest with you

something just doesn't seem quite right

come on dean i mean students willing to

go the extra mile to learn

what's not right about that i'd like to

see their credentials

oh bet you would yeah yeah great idea

actually um you know what let me uh make

that happen

good make an appointment with my

secretary for tomorrow

i look forward to meeting them okay

oh if you only knew

you really think this is gonna fly she's

our best bet

graduated top of her class from what

beautician school

hey boston med class of 79

really then why are you a

hooker because i like to [ __ ] plus

all the blood and guts was starting to

skeve me out

look you wanted credentials you got them

now enough

with all the questioning why don't you

go sit somewhere

perfect

really are you kidding me she looks

fantastic

joel why don't you let me do what i do

best

why don't you like go to class and learn

something

we'll call you when we're done

and don't forget your books

young dumb and full of [ __ ]

you gotta love them now it's my turn

please have a seat

joel tells me that you are the tudors

yes that's correct

he said you wanted to see our

credentials

yes if that would be okay

thank you

everything should be in order

everything seems to be just fine

dean myers if i didn't know any better

i'd say you're flirting with us

well let's just say that i have an

appreciation for your love of education

oh we just love

education especially the really

hard subjects

uh

um

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oh

oh

oh

um

oh

yeah yeah

oh

ugh

oh

oh yeah

oh yeah

okay

oh

oh

oh

okay

oh

yes

yes

ugh

oh

shut up

oh

ugh

oh

oh hey so uh how'd it go

piece of cake i don't think he'll be

giving you any problems

yeah we took real good care of him

wait we you went too relax

did you [ __ ] dean myers joel

no no did you do the dean

fine yes okay i did the dean

what's the big deal how could you

what are you jealous come on baby

don't get up and out of shape well

i mean i i just come on joel it's not

like you haven't been

banging all these hot little preppies

all over campus

relax okay it's just sex

and speaking of follow me

there's one thing lana did better than

anyone talk

talk her way out of things talk her way

into things

people just couldn't say no that was no

exception

don't ruin this okay you're getting for

free

what everyone else is happy to pay for

and uh what did myers pay huh oh he paid

plenty

he just doesn't know it yet stupid [ __ ]

i did that for you

that was insurance what was your free

ticket in case he ever gives you any

more problems

are you kidding me

joel he's married he had sex with two

hookers in his office

i think that's worth a 4.0

uh i think melissa probably could have

handled it herself

maybe maybe not i didn't think it was

worth the risk

a strong workforce is key to any

business venture

shut up joel you don't want to fight

anymore do you

good boy

um oh

um

oh

um

um

looking comfortable i'm right in my

paradigm

oh

oh

so good

sometimes you just gotta say

what the [ __ ]

oh i should have known it was you

i thought we had an understanding joel

guido

what the [ __ ] are you doing here didn't

i tell you not to [ __ ] with a man's

livelihood joel

okay yeah i mean joel

you're giving me a stomachache [ __ ] you

in your source stomach guido

you don't own us you seem like a smart

kid

and you don't want these ivy league

types snooping around

i don't want to [ __ ] up your day but i

will so you don't want these uh teachers

and principals dean whatever

now i think we're gonna have an

understanding and this is gonna be all

okay i want my girls

i need my cut are we gonna have a

problem you get me

yeah i get you all right look at the

time

i've got another engagement i'll give

you a couple hours to round up my girls

but when i'm done i want a big fat

envelope

don't disappoint me joel

ladies

oh did i give you the car huh

yeah i got it for uh a gift when i got

in college

nice i guess he never found out then

no he definitely didn't find out and i'd

like to keep it that way

look now the same old [ __ ] storm is

brewing

i knew it i knew this was a mistake you

weren't saying that when you were

counting all that cash

and you definitely weren't saying that

when you were balls deep in me

everything's all good until reality sets

it you gotta take the good with the bad

joel

i mean what do you want me to leave

everything was fine until that [ __ ]

showed up pluto's like

he's like a fly you know he'll just keep

circling around so you tell them to buzz

off

everything's gonna be okay here

let lana make it all better

hmm wow

oh [ __ ] it's the cops get up i can't

my necklace is caught in your zipper

come on get up

quit pulling me i couldn't break my

necklace

[ __ ] i gotta pull over

oh this is not good

oh [ __ ]

oh god here he comes

is there a problem officer you tell me

son

uh this isn't what it looks like it

never is

you okay man yeah

oh this is not good

joel long time no see uh

jackie hey how you been you look

uh big oh yeah

i've been working out a little bit maybe

some time you can come by and we can

pump some iron yeah

yeah sure what are you doing down here

you're a

long way from the suburbs

you know that's actually kind of a funny

story

but go ahead and tell me baby entertain

me cause we ain't got nothing but time

well

goodman let's go lana

how did you just let's go

lana jackie what are you doing in here

oh girl it's a long story

i didn't know that you and joel were

still an item

who would have thought you two

know each other well i mean i wouldn't

say

ah girl joel and i go way back

in fact i was the one who gave him your

number i actually

hooked the two of you up really

well you'll never mention that uh well

it's all right let's move it along we

don't have all night don't be a [ __ ]

just tell her

i uh lana can you be a dear and see if

you can get me out of here

incarceration doesn't agree with me well

it's the least we can do

rachel i'm sure he'll bail you out

yeah sure joel

don't forget about me joel

so how did you get me us out

well let's just say the judge is a

friend of a friend

of course he is listen joel sex makes

the world go out

the people who don't have it want it and

the people who have it want more

supply and demand just like they teach

you in class

the perfect business model can't fail

well then i guess it's time to get back

to business

right

so just make sure nobody comes in uh

tell them

we're fumigating or something could also

say i'm spraying for bugs

yeah perfect and trina i'm gonna need a

huge favor from you

if a guy comes by the name of guido tell

him i'm down in the basement

take him down there and well i mean you

know what to do from there

you want the full treatment oh yeah that

and more

you got it cool thank you i owe you guys

for treatment huh

let's get this party started

oh

oh

oh

um

ugh

um

uh

oh

oh

oh

um

oh

oh

oh my god

oh

oh

oh

oh

oh

yes

oh

oh

[ __ ] yeah yes yes

oh

oh

yeah um

oh

[ __ ]

um

oh

[ __ ] oh my god

well i think that went pretty well we

did it again

sometimes you just gotta say what the

[ __ ]

so what's next well i guess i'll stick

around here for a couple more years and

graduate well that'll make your dad

happy

but what about you it's gonna make you

happy

i have something in mind

you remember this

no are you sure

come on you gotta remember the artsy

fartsy thing

no

well you're definitely going to remember

it now

payback's a real [ __ ]

you know that sounds really good but i

have something else in mind

it's yes

stealing portals

oh

in the back

takes me back to the days

oh

and like the man said this is the time

of my life

might as well enjoy it

you