Original subtitles

Hey, Dad. Shit!

You owe me a pack of smokes.

Come on, it was one cigarette.

Punitive damages.

Here's a whole carton.

So?

Nothing.

How's your mother?

She's fine.

You could call her Mary every once in a while.

Close that gap up a little bit.

Don't start on me.

Is Sherry okay? She ain't been in.

Everything good with her?

A squabble. She's back home.

Oh, hey, Mark. Hi.

Well...

Mark? Yeah?

You still doing it?

No, I stopped.

Pop, they only give me an hour for lunch, so I gotta...

I'll see you next time.

Hey, he's a vet, okay. What do you say you keep an eye on him for me?

Oh, no, you don't have to.

Just take it. In case he needs anything.

Hey, I got him, my man. I got him.

I appreciate it.

Sports Facts.

Yeah, 54012, Princess Leia.

Go 54012.

I want Marshall for five dimes.

The line is down to 10.

I don't care if it's down to seven. Marshall plus the points is a gift.

One play on this call? Yeah.

Yeah.

The Thundering Herd.

Go Marshall.

Please.

Please.

Me, I'd forget the one with the scanner.

Everything you need is on the net anyway.

Like you're actually going to check out a library book and scan it, right?

Right.

You're gonna print, you know. Maybe make the odd copies.

Doesn't hurt to have the fax function.

Just the fax, ma'am.

You know what, I'm gonna show you something.

Forget that other merch, okay?

It's their ticket to a pure profit stream, overcharge you on the replacement cartridges.

This one is cheaper out the door, and you can refill the ink yourself.

Thanks. Yeah.

We don't make anything off that one.

Take a microscopic margin.

Okay.

Wait.

I want to get you my employee discount.

20% is 20%, right?

Yeah.

♪ Way, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ My way, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Way, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, my

♪ Way, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Which way, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ My way, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

What the hell's going on here, huh?

Yeah.

Sorry, Stan, we were just... Goofing off

and costing me money. You think I can't see that?

Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but wouldn't it be Pete Coors' money?

If that truck isn't cross-checked and rolling in five minutes,

you don't work here anymore.

Roger that.

And Juan Valdez is, you know, up in the hills going,

"Don't sue me, if you burn yourself."

Right?

But, you know, the thing that kills me is that they invented a whole new business.

You know, $3 for a cup of coffee.

I don't remember anybody saying, "Hey, this coffee sure tastes great,

"but I'd rather say grande and pay $3 for it."

You talk a lot.

But you're cute.

Got two more hang-ups today.

It's starting to give me the creeps. I'm on it.

What are you doing there? Stuff.

Need help? I'm good. I got it.

Are you gonna tuck Hayden in?

Hey, buddy, what's up?

Good.

Doesn't sound like it.

Hey, uh...

I thought we were partners.

We are.

So, we share Intel, right?

Right. Well?

Mommy's worried.

Of course, she's worried. Mommies worry.

What do you mean, Mommy's worried?

About the football games.

Well, Mommy's a fan.

Mommy doesn't care who wins but she knows you do.

I won't be late.

I just keep getting better. You wouldn't think it was possible, but there it is.

Did he foot fault? I don't need to cheat with you clowns.

I don't know, gonna want to check the video.

Oh, do I detect a hint of athletic envy?

Of you? Not in this lifetime, baby.

Face it. You guys cannot stand the fact that there's finally a sport

that I'm better than you at.

Hold it. Darts is not a sport.

Of course it's a sport, numb-nuts, it's on ESPN.

So is poker, big deal.

Darts is an activity.

A game, at best.

A game, huh? How do you figure?

Simple, anything you can drink beer and get better at, by definition isn't a sport.

Football, hockey, baseball, sports.

Bowling, pool, darts, activities.

What about golf? Activity.

Waste of time. It's a sport.

No. If they made them carry their own bag and run to the ball, maybe.

But it's strictly a game.

Talking about the Championship Bowl?

Yeah. Who do you like?

The dog, Marshall. The underdog, really?

Yeah, whenever you don't know you take the dog and the points.

No kidding. Absolutely.

There's four possible outcomes in any contest.

Favorite wins a blowout. Favorite wins in a squeaker.

Dog wins a blowout. Dog wins in a squeaker.

Three out of four scenarios you win if you take the dog and the points.

Spend any time thinking about this?

Big game is Saturday, who do we like, Texas or Marshall?

Texas is a walk. The game is over by halftime I'd say...

Ah, I'd hate to agree with the Spider-Man, but this one is a mismatch for the ages.

All right, Dibs, we haven't heard from you. I don't like football.

You gotta pick, Dibs.

All right, if I have to, Texas. You don't need to be a brain surgeon.

Goliath is gonna win this one going away.

Anybody who picks Marshall is nuts.

All right, it's unanimous. Texas blows them out.

Those guys don't know anything.

Charlie starts building prow ends for the pontoons,

when he discovers another use...

Hey, babe. Hi.

Ta-da!

Very thoughtful.

You smell like smoke.

That's 'cause I'm smokin'!

Who is this jerkoff? He's always on.

He fixes things.

I can fix stuff too, you know.

Yeah, I know you can, honey.

Do you have anything needing repair, ma'am?

I'm all tuned up. Thank you very much.

Maybe I should start under the hood.

♪ Beer, beer, beer Get your humble hydrate here

♪ Da, da Uh, uh, uh

♪ Uh, uh

♪ Beer, beer, beer You know that's why I'm here

♪ Beer, beer, beer... ♪

Gentlemen, puts your hands together for Tiffany!

New move?

If she's got another concussion, she's fired.

Somebody clean that up. Pick up the chairs.

Don't worry about her. Get the chairs first.

Hey, Billy. Scarlet.

You work too hard. Says the princess of the pole.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, do you not fling yourself through the air like a sexy gazelle?

How come you never let me dance for you?

'Cause I'm married.

Married guys are my specialty.

I did one right thing in my life, Scarlet, and the price, no snacks on the side.

Snack, my butt. You'd never eat at home again.

Maybe so.

Suit yourself.

Swing by if you change your mind.

See you next week, Scarlet.

Okay, when everyone's quiet, we can do this.

- Watch me win this raffle. - These tickets are mine.

Funny, if you're five.

Is it just tickets to the Championship Bowl or do you get some parties too?

Yeah, there's a party in your mouth and everybody's coming.

It's nice to have so many first-graders here.

And the winner is...

Jason Klein.

Ugh!

Wow. I never win anything.

Have fun.

Thanks.

Wow, this is great. Um, I want to thank...

You suck.

Florida? No.

Look, you're a nice enough guy and all, but that's it. Go to Florida with you?

We were so good together at coffee. We both like two sugars and a NutraSweet...

For Christ's sake, Jade, I've got a full waiting room. Let's go.

Yes, Doctor.

Does anyone work here?

This is what I get for having a latte with a loser.

So you gonna think about it?

I said no, are you deaf?

Take your tickets and your NutraSweet and get out of here.

This is my job.

So you understand why I'm here.

Daddy had the Jets. That's right. And the Jets lost.

I know.

And that wasn't the only one.

Daddy.

Hello, Mark.

What are you doing here?

How is it that this little man understands so much more clearly than his deadbeat dad?

Hayden, get in the kitchen.

Now!

You've got some nerve.

Just doing my job.

Now pay up.

You come into my house. You scare my wife. You touch my kid.

I'm not paying for that.

I go where I'm sent and I get what I'm sent for. Now what do you have for me?

I'll show you what I got.

We can do this either way.

You got some balls.

True, but enough about me.

Mark. Not now.

You will come across. You know I don't leave otherwise.

- Oh, yeah? - Mark.

What? Your dad died.

Hmm.

Be seeing you.

Hey, Jason.

Hey. Hi. Come on in.

Thirty-seven years I knew him. He was a good man.

112, high average, not bad.

Well he did love to bowl.

What the hell happened to you, kid? We all expected you to be doing big things by now.

Was it the divorce?

Your old man always blamed himself for knocking you off track...

Hey, thanks for coming, Mr. Dean. It really means a lot.

Let's top you off there.

Is there any wine? For sure.

That's appropriate.

What?

Well you're the one who decided to wear your ass as an outfit.

Whatever.

Yeah, I'm here to clean out my dad's locker.

Sure, kid. Number 64.

Sorry to hear about your pop, kid. Straight shooter.

Oh, Dad.

Hey, Sherry, what's this?

We're going to my mom's again.

Don't call for a few days, okay?

No, of course it's not okay.

What are you doing?

Don't act surprised. You did this.

Look,

I don't like the timing, but you put us at risk.

He's my son.

I'm not going to keep your son from you.

Bye, Daddy.

This was the last straw.

I'm just saying it takes time to lug five pallets of empties down two flights.

No, McGriff, you are not getting off early.

I need you back here at base. Truck 18 is loaded ass-backwards,

all the long-necks are in front. Get back here.

It's not my bad, Donnie.

I'm knocking off early today.

Big plans.

Jesus!

How did I get here?

Hiding out in my own house.

You remember, coming out of high school, we were stars.

Well, you were.

You gotta be kidding me.

You were fast-tracked,

4.0 pre-law at Penn.

I had my football ride, granted it was Division ♪.

How many guys even get to play college ball?

Not many.

And not quarterback.

Yeah.

Hey, baby.

No way.

Aren't you Billy McGriff of the McGriffters?

Oh, you guys were awesome.

I was there at Toad's Hole that night that Joe Strummer jumped up on stage

and started cranking out that song.

♪ Which way, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ My way, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Yeah, man, that was the one. You had it going on.

You're such a fan. Shouldn't I be banging your wife?

She's your wife?

Geez, I had no idea.

Give me a triple kamikaze, with two beers back.

And whatever they're having.

So I'm guessing you're off the wagon.

Of all the guys in the world, she chooses that nitwit.

I mean, come on. You're gonna cheat, pick somebody better than that.

Till death do us part, period. Fact.

Well, I'd like to make a suggestion.

What do you say to a little adventure?

Shed some layers. Fun, sun... Anyone?

Pass.

It'd be good to get away for a while. Therapeutic.

I'm not running. I am.

Where are you thinking?

Into every rain, a little sun must fall.

Championship Bowl, how'd you get these?

The one and only OfficeMax Christmas drawing extravaganza.

What do you know?

I got five...

I made a little bet. You know, on Marshall.

You know, just so I can watch the game and have a rooting interest.

What did you bet? Just a friendly wager, you know.

Thundering Herd, 50 bones.

Hmm, these are tremendous.

Okay, don't get any ideas. I am definitely sitting in one of those seats.

You'll be very comfortable in the car. Game's better on the radio.

Yeah, you get Keith Jackson.

"As another lovely Florida day drifts into the gloaming..."

Keith Jackson's on TV. Sometimes he does the radio.

Or you get Marv Albert. Yes!

No. No, I'm no dummy.

Nobody said you were.

You may recall, I graduated first in our class.

I remember. You put the "dick" in valedictorian.

This game is on Saturday. If we're going, we better get underway.

Pronto.

Cheers.

Florida.

I want to be clear on this. I get to use one of those tickets.

I won them, and I get to use one.

You two can figure out who sits with me,

and we'll scalp another single for whoever loses.

Why should you be automatic? It was a random draw, was it not?

Yeah, come on. It's not like you earned them.

Just let me get my guitar.

We got the radio. We got CDs.

There's always room for live tunes.

No way I can stomach 1,000 miles of his light FM.

What happened to him, anyway?

Why did he go all sensitive-acoustic?

I don't know. Maybe he can play his way out of it.

These tunes he's singing now, yuck.

It's like he's got Music-Heimer's or something.

He's trying to stretch. Have a range.

Well, I like it electric and loud.

Whatever was rock and roll about him is long gone.

Museum gone.

I should've banged your sister when I had the chance.

We are not gonna make Florida on one case of beer.

I can tell you that right now.

Here we go.

27, 28, 29, and one is 30.

Give me a scratch ticket, and make it a winner.

We're going to Florida.

$1.

Have you got any halva, for the trip?

Halva? When in Rome.

This is Pennsylvania.

85 cents.

Hey, guys. I won.

5 bucks, it only cost me a buck. I'm up 4.

That ought to cover a couple of tolls. That a boy.

Give me six numbers.

Let me do it. I'm on a roll. I'm seeing...

Quick pick.

Okay, that's a loser. What do you got?

6, 11 and 56. June 11, 1956, Joe Montana's birthday.

Pennsylvania boy and the greatest quarterback in history for a little yin

and if you want to go ultimate yang, we're going with the Boston Red Sox:

10, 25, 86, October 25, 1986.

Billy Buckner's grounder Game 6, World Series.

You're thinking the whole yin-yang package.

You're feeling me, aren't you, Billy?

86 is too high. It's gotta be 60 or less.

That's okay. We go 10, 25, and let's say... - 57.

Heinz 57.

You just went from Joe Montana to steak sauce.

Yeah. No, no, no. I like it.

Run it, Abdul.

My name is not Abdul.

What if we get a flat?

That's defeatist.

Come on, guys. Just let me hold them till we get to Florida.

You can be shotgun.

I'm already shotgun.

And I'd like to hold my tickets.

Relax, you will.

That's right. We are still waiting for the food to show up for the Labor Day picnic.

That wasn't my fault.

But it was your responsibility.

That's great. Focus. Shotgun is no joke.

Keep this map safe and dry at all times.

And no snoozing. There is nothing worse than shotgun sawing wood.

What about the radio? Doesn't shotgun handle music?

We'll see how it goes.

You gotta earn those stripes.

Okay, ship's going down, Titanic, whatever. You got one life ring.

Who are you throwing it to, your wife or your kid?

She won't like it, but it's gotta be the kid.

Gotta be the kid.

Okay, I got one.

What would you rather lose, your eyesight or your penis?

Is this my cock or your cock?

Here we go.

'Cause my cock, that's one thing...

I'm not comfortable with that kind of talk in the Fury.

My mother insisted on giving me a bath till I was 12.

- Scrubbed my ears, the whole deal. - Twelve?

That's sick, why did you stand for it?

I didn't know any better. She was the only mother around.

Drew the line when pubes sprouted.

Okay, uncle.

No disrespect, but I always thought your mother was a whack job.

Ditto. Hey, that's my mother.

You can't talk that way about somebody's mother.

If I knew you a week less, I'd have to hit you.

You brought her up. Yeah, we're just trying to be supportive

like good friends are supposed to be. Oh, thank you.

By the way, just let me hold the tickets. I'm not comfortable with this setup.

I don't know. You two never give me any responsibility.

Two words...

Labor Day party.

That was 14 years ago.

We suffered the whole day. Oh!

All right, I tell you what. We'll go Switzerland.

What?

Switzerland, neutral spot.

Put them in the glove compartment. We'll sort it out later.

Okay. So, we have an understanding.

I get a say in who ultimately gets to use these.

Agreed?

Oh, oh! Turn this up. Dire Straits. Awesome.

Man, back in the day these guys were the kings.

Hundred million albums, you heard them everywhere.

You turn on the radio now, it's all boy bands and Britney.

I'd throw one in her.

Nice of you. The point is, they went from the top,

the very top, to nowhere or...

I don't know, back to some castle in England.

They're not clipping any coupons.

Yeah, or carrying their own luggage.

Except for the bags that are filled with cash.

I guess their time has passed.

It's Scrudge. Skip it. Wait a second.

- Turn it down. Scrudge. - Scrunge?

No. Scrudge.

That song is not Scrudge. It's a change of mood.

The funkiest of Scrudge.

What is Scrudge?

Scrudge, a song that follows a great song.

Doomed from the first time you hear it on the CD.

We're talking about Dire Straits here. They're incapable of Scrudge.

Dead in the recording studio.

You see, every group knows immediately when they got a great song.

And they don't want to burn a perfectly decent one by putting it after that.

So they pick a shit song for that slot.

You know, to fall on the grenade, take one for the team.

A Scrudge song.

Give me an example.

Okay. Do you remember the song that followed, uh... Free-bird?

Um, no.

Exactly.

Brown Sugar? I don't know.

Born to Run? Hey, back off Bruce.

Oh, so you can cap Knopfler but Springsteen's off-limits?

Good Christ, She's the One.

Talk about Scrudge.

- Stairway? - Uh...

Where the Streets Have No Name?

Bullet the Blue Sky is not Scrudge. It's sonic.

Any reasonable debate, by definition, means non-Scrudge.

Flip it back to three.

Sing it, Jase!

I could do this all night!

Watch out! Jesus!

Oh! Watch the road!

I was out like a light.

Who farted?

My bad.

Oh, God, that's vile.

Grab it. The map!

It's a long way down.

Man, that would have hurt.

Watch where you're going.

Can't help it. It's the open road. It gets me all fired up.

Always has.

Hey, you smoking now? Yep.

I never went on a road trip with my parents.

Never.

We went to the Poconos, and my Aunt Mickey's house in Long Island. Lindenhurst.

You missed out. We went all the time.

From sea to shining sea.

Hey, your old man was a road warrior, huh? Nah.

He just wanted to get there.

He wasn't a stop-and-smell-the-roses kind of a guy.

I mean, me and Ma, we'd be looking at something amazing and

he'd just be standing there, smoking a heater, facing the highway.

And he'd click his fingers, "Let's go." And we'd be on our way.

Man, they don't make them like that anymore.

Billy, I'm bagged. You take them.

I'm still shotgun, right, Crime Dog?

But I handle the music.

Okay, fair enough.

Guess who?

Christ.

What am I doing?

Quality time, bro. Beats a shrink.

No, not this.

I just always thought having a kid would grow me up.

Instead, it's a bill, due every day, every minute.

At least you got one.

I'm not griping.

I just thought it would make a man out of me.

My dad always seemed like a man and he had me when he was a kid.

Hey, want to order some room service?

Room service? What, in a dump like this?

Here we go, Chinese.

Alligators, cool.

Let's see. What goes good with 42 beers?

Okay, wait. Let's get something straight here, fellas.

I definitely get one of these beds.

How do you figure? It was my Championship Bowl tickets

that started this whole trip, so eventually the perks have to kick in.

Nice try there, Billy.

But my chariot got us here, which means bed number B comes my way.

Not from this angle.

Then you leave me no choice.

Smack-down. Oh, yeah.

WWF, this is going to be good.

You too, liver lips, on your feet.

Both beds will be earned out here on the mat.

Oh!

My balls! That's dirty, Mark.

What can I tell you?

Next battle.

Fine, let's go.

I give up!

You want it that bad, you can have it.

Just like that, huh?

Just like that.

I'm tired and I don't care.

To the victor come his spoils.

Ugh!

Aw, it figures, I get Heidi Fleiss' cot.

This is gross.

I guess you get what you pay for.

See, never bet against the Crime Dog.

Hey, guys, I'm glad we're doing this.

Me too.

Ever notice if you scratch halfway between your balls and your asshole

it smells like pussy?

No, it doesn't.

Get a little closer to your bung.

Hmm?

I just wanted to say goodnight.

You guys are sick.

Excuse me, miss.

Yeah.

I ordered sunny-side up. These are over easy.

Okay, I'll get them to redo them.

Why do they always foul up my order?

'Cause you always ask for side orders and confuse them.

Why not just make it easy? Order number three.

I don't like the way everything gets hash browns.

Hash browns are a filler. I want eggs and meat, period. Like the Duke.

John Wayne? I happen to know John Wayne hated hash browns.

You're out of your mind.

When am I gonna learn? Stick with the cereal.

You get your own little self-contained meal. Nobody has had their mitts on it.

Special K, Frosted Flakes. It's impossible to screw up.

I asked for dry.

Hey, Miss Allison, how are you?

Sher, sure hope you get this message.

We're just down here in South Carolina, making our way to the Championship Bowl.

I was thinking about you. We stopped and got something to eat.

How's, uh... How's Hayden doing?

God almighty, I miss him so much.

Hey, Sher, I gotta tell you. I didn't like the way that you decided to throw him in the,

in the car and split.

I know I screwed up and all.

But you can't just take somebody's kid like that.

You're not perfect either, for the record.

I mean, how many times did you come visit my father when he was in the hospital?

The man's sick and you can't pop in and see him once?

When your mother was sick I was like a frickin' delivery service three times a week.

Just put the shoe on the other foot. That's all I'm saying, you know.

It's a two-way street and I know, I know...

Your, like, 11 hours of labor and diapers

and I'm under a lot of pressure too, okay?

I mean, you find a way to pay the freight for three people,

start a college fund and somehow figure out how to stay ahead of the various...

Bills, you may have.

So I frickin' gambled. So what?

I made a few picks. They didn't come in. Nobody's perfect.

All I can tell you is that I never quit on you.

I never quit on you, you selfish...

I'm sorry. This is my mess.

Sorry, Sherry.

How's the wife?

Line was busy.

Awfully long busy signal.

Who are you, the time keeper? I said the line was busy.

Just a concerned citizen.

Hey, Mark, want to get some fireworks for old time's sake? It's legal in the South.

It's legal all the way up the Delaware Water Gap.

You shouldn't know that. You can get whatever you want

the minute you leave Jersey. Sparklers, the mortars, floral shells,

re-loadable black powder rockets.

Anything you want.

I'm worried about you.

Look, Vanna White.

Vanna. I used to love her.

Me too. She's a babe.

I wonder if she ever did that Chuck Woolery.

She did Chuck Woolery's Love Connection. Think she did?

No, might have taken a run at Bob Barker though.

Down at the commissary. He's been known to tap the help.

If the price was right.

Okay, quick quiz.

Dead or alive, Monty Hall?

Dead. Alive.

He's alive.

- Gene Rayburn? - Dead.

Richard Dawson? Who?

The Hogan's Hero guy. Or Family Feud.

The fat dude? Nah. You're thinking Louie Anderson.

Dawson was the original. Dead or alive?

He's gotta be dust or he'd still be doing the show, right?

Look at us. We're officially white trash.

Yeah, pretty much.

A Vanna museum.

My mother always said I'd make it to the White House.

You know Vanna was on a soap for like two months? Edge of Night.

Some folks said she had a shot as a serious actress.

Then she got the Wheel.

Add that to the list of useless information.

How many people do you know have the first 100 episodes of Wheel of Fortune on VHS?

Might want to keep that autobiographical tidbit to yourself.

I want to get them transferred to DVD.

I just don't like the loss of quality in the digitizing.

Billy, what are you doing?

Sniffing Vanna White's bush.

16, 17...

Is that 21? Yep,

21 rocket salute.

22, Vanna White.

To the greatest letter turner of all time.

To the only letter turner of all time.

Which makes her the greatest.

Oh, no.

What do we do?

I'm pretty sure we just lit Vanna's house on fire.

Oh, shit!

Come on, guys. We gotta do something. We gotta put it out.

This is a piece of history here.

Cheers, Billy.

How could Vanna not have a hose?

That wood's dry.

Yep.

Get a blanket. Check the Fury. Get something.

I'd like to buy a vowel and solve the puzzle.

You may.

"Smoldering rubble."

Remember when Vanna stopped actually turning the letters?

She did? Yeah. Now she just touches them. Special effect.

Out of the blue, she just went electric.

Like Dylan. Way worse. I'm dead-ended right there.

Uh-oh. Fire guys are rolling.

Okay, Medal of Honor or Super Bowl MVP?

Medal of Honor.

Nobody is shooting at you in the stadium. Fact.

Ooh, 3 o'clock.

Nice.

Anybody want a taco?

So the doctor says, "If this is my rectal thermometer,

"what the hell did I do with my pen?"

Is that funny?

I think it would be.

Yeah, definitely.

It would be if what?

If we weren't shroomed out of our tits. Uh-huh, yes.

Absolutely.

Mushrooms?

It's a hallucinogenic.

I know what it is. Where are you guys from?

Nashville.

Cool.

♪ Give me a job Give me security

♪ Give me a chance to survive

♪ I'm just a poor soul in the unemployment line

♪ I swear I'm barely alive

♪ My mother and father, wife and my friends

♪ I've seen them laugh in my face

♪ But I got the power and I got the will

♪ I'm not a charity case

♪ I tell you long nights

♪ Impossible odds

♪ Keeping my eye on the keyhole

We have to go. Now.

♪ Well I'm gonna be a blue collar man ♪

You shouldn't do that.

Ever.

Come on. Let's get going. Now that's funny.

You're pathetic.

Nice ho tag.

What?

Ho tag?

Let me guess.

That tattoo is to remind your boyfriend that your ass is not your face.

Jerk.

- Skank. - Come on.

Geez.

And here I thought Styx was bulletproof.

That was Styx? Oh.

I'm gonna take a leak.

Why don't we leave that in the trunk for a while?

In the trunk? Yeah, you can give it a rest.

I'll ride in the trunk before that happens.

This baby is a work of art, worth at least 7 grand. No way she's sleeping in the dark.

I'm not kidding. He just came up from the field house and he says

half the basketball team just got suspended by the NCAA. - No way.

They got free clothes from a store.

Some big booster was hooking them up with all this swag, totally illegal.

They gonna miss the game tonight?

Four starters and the Russian.

They're gonna get smoked.

Virginia is like a 22-point underdog.

I bet you they'll cover the spread tonight. No doubt.

This is the surest thing in the history of sure things.

If you could just let me put down $1,000 on Virginia, I'll...

I hate you.

All right, I need you guys to concentrate here.

Do you know anyone who lives in or near Atlantic City or Vegas

with access to large sums of cash?

Not that I can think of.

You cannot be serious.

I haven't been more serious in my life. Think harder.

You'll be doing them a favor. All they gotta do

is walk into the casino, put down a bet for me and I'll give 'em 50%.

I don't know anybody.

80%.

We just don't know.

An Indian casino, Foxwoods. You must know somebody who lives in Connecticut.

Mark, calm down. This is my lock.

This is my bulletproof, no two ways about it, once in a lifetime lock.

It's like I can see tomorrow's sports pages today

and word is gonna get out, it's gonna spread like wildfire

and then they're gonna take this thing right off the board. Now think!

We don't know anyone who can bet. I am going to miss this!

I am going to miss this! Get a hold...

Mark, get a hold of yourself. Come on!

Here, medicine.

What it that? Mushrooms, the redhead dropped them.

I walked right into a taco stand. I can't believe it would...

I thought it would be on a train. A metro-liner rolling down to DC

for a Redskins game when a senator comes in and sits next to me and

tells me he's gonna have the Secret Service shove the guy into a dumpster.

Give me those. If I've gotta listen to him, I've gotta be on the same planet.

Just don't let him push you around.

Do you even know where he's staying?

I got the seat locations from Jason's mom.

Sure you want to do this?

Mom, he sounded terrible on the phone. I need to go to him.

Here, Mommy, for luck.

I love you.

- Can you see from back there? - Yeah, I'm fine.

Got chasers? A little bit.

You've done this before?

Not in a while.

I had a phase. I tried most everything.

Gourmet reefer, crystal meth,

shrooms the odd Friday.

Crystal meth?

Nobody's paying much attention to me so it's pretty easy to hide the buzz.

What if I just jumped?

Whoa, whoa.

Hey, don't screw around.

What would I be thinking when I hit? You know, the last thing

going through my mind?

Your ass.

38 years old and I got squat.

You too, Billy.

Back there was a stinking disaster.

You know, wasn't long ago you were gigging clubs

and knocking chicks off your dick with your guitar.

Ancient history, bro. Dead and buried.

No, no. I used to love watching you on stage.

You had the walk.

Then some Tuesday, you woke up a roll-over pussy just taking shit from everybody.

Your wife, people at work.

Dog chases every car he sees.

First one he lets go...

It's not just me. I mean, all three of us.

I don't know if it's bad luck or age or laziness.

One day you realize you're not going to be president.

You don't get it.

I mean no offense, fellas,

but I was gonna be president.

Or governor, CEO...

An astronaut.

I don't know. You know...

Somebody instead...

Mark, you got a kid.

Who collects a half million dollars if I should happen to fall off this bridge.

Hey, that's crazy talk.

Yeah, well, I'm running out of illusions. And I'm not going into the New Year a loser.

Wow, we got nothing going for us.

We got beer left.

Hey, Billy.

You taking a pee or just standing and touching yourself?

You know how it is, once you break the seal.

Hey, where's the best place you guys ever took a leak?

No such thing as a bad leak as far as I'm concerned.

Agreed.

Grand Canyon.

Really?

Yep. Right over the friggin' edge. A gust of wind,

I would have fallen a quarter-mile and pancaked a pack mule.

I took a leak between subway cars.

Elevated 7 train, rolling through Queens on the way to Shea Stadium.

Fourth of July, doubleheader.

Nice.

You? Nancy Golotta's back.

Her back? I didn't want to. She asked me.

She's dirty. Ya think?

You could've said no. Hold it.

You had sex with Nancy Golotta? You demon!

The last girl I was with before my wife. My wife...

Ha! Who's coming off?

Look at those stars!

Drink that on the horizon. Twinkle, twinkle, Twinkie.

The trees in front of you are 30 feet high, genius.

You can't see the horizon.

Come on, what's taking you...

Good Lord!

I'm blocked! What should I do?

Okay, I know what to do. I know what to do.

Hold your balls, fetal position. Play dead.

Play dead? MARK: No, that's bears! Run, dumb-ass.

Come on, come on, come on!

- Easy... - Cover my balls...

Whoa, hey, pull over.

How you feeling? BILLY: We found a carnival on shrooms, you tell me.

Hey.

Step off of that thing, young man.

If you break that, somebody's gonna have to fix it. Sorry.

No harm done, just can't add work

when there's plenty to do already.

I knew these things were rigged. You can call me Melville.

Bill McGriff, Chalfont, PA.

Hour west of Philly, I know it well.

Worked the northern circuit with the Clyde Beatty outfit for years.

Hey, wait. That's the circus, right?

The real circus, where you smell the elephant dung.

Not like that tutti-frutti French affair.

Cirque Du Soleil? Yeah, that'd be the one.

I'm Jason, and I love the circus. Yeah, me too, Jason.

Till they forced me out.

Come on, boys, have a drink with me.

Come on, guys.

Right behind you.

They forced you out?

Yes, they did.

Big cats.

Must've hurt.

A lion and a tiger have a fight. Who wins?

Give you a hint. A female lion looks enough like a female tiger that

the horny striped male thinks he might take a shot at her.

King of the jungle doesn't like the competition. Fight's on.

So the lion wins. He's got right on his side. You see, a tiger

stands on three paws. Swings with his fourth.

Lion gets up on his haunches, fires back, two-hand volley.

Outgunned, tiger flips onto his back, tries to fight up from the bottom.

Fatal mistake.

Is that what happened to you?

You got between a lion and a tiger?

Nah, I rolled my pickup shitfaced outside of Albany.

Can't drive a stick no more,

but I get by all right.

Hey, fella. MELVILLE: St. Nicholas, where you been?

Got some lungs on him. Yeah, well he's got a lot to say.

St. Nicholas... Like Santa Claus?

Come here, buddy. Hey.

Yeah, he brings me presents all year. Birds, mice... Deader than yesterday.

A gift's a gift.

Penny-feathers. I figure you Pennsylvania boys are heading south.

- Florida, hmm? - That's right.

Best damn bar in the state.

Penny-feathers?

What you seek,

you may find there.

One arm, lives in a dirty old trailer...

Didn't seem to bother him much.

Big talk, little cat, creepy bastard. Deluded.

- Senile. - We won!

We won, we won! I don't believe it!

We're rich! Whoo! We won, we won! I gotta tell 'em.

Jason, Jason, what...

Tell who? Come on.

We won! Did you take my sports section, chief?

The answer to all our prayers.

Hand me the toilet roll, will ya?

Oh, sure, Elmo. You need to wipe up? Here.

Wipe up, Elmo. Use that. Oh, that's stinky, Elmo.

Use this, that'll make you...

Get out of here!

What's the matter with you, huh?

What the hell are you doing? Can you say, "Mega Mad Millions"?

Can you say $26 million?

Million, as in ma, ma, ma, million!

0, 6, 10, 11, 25, 56, 57. God damn, he's right.

It's a match!

We won!

We won! We won!

We won! We won! We won!

I can't believe it.

Wait a minute.

There's a problem.

See, we split equal shares.

No problems at all!

Last week's newspaper.

Never thought my last meal would be a corn dog.

I wonder if you can actually hear your back snap when you hit.

Hey, I got an idea. What if only you guys jump.

I tried to save you. You know, I go back home,

say great things about you, work your legacy.

You exist forever, like dead heroes.

Heroes who offed themselves?

Oh, I know, I could write a ballad about you guys. - No.

Now you can jump last,

but then, of course, you'll be bridge Scrudge.

No way. We go, we go together.

All right then.

One.

Two.

Three.

Last time I was happy. Well, Mom and Dad, I guess this is it.

I had a dog once. Wouldn't poop till I looked away.

We had a picture of my wife and my kid in the car.

It's going with me.

I just wanna say, if we're gonna do this...

You're my best friend... Pal.

Thanks, buddy. That means a lot. Ah, you don't give a fuck.

No sense going alone. Here, I brought your wife too.

Speak up, dear. Ahhh!

Sweet Jesus, we killed him. Help me, you idiots!

Come on, grab my wrists!

We got you!

I got you, I got you.

I got you, I got you.

- Oh, my back! - My balls!

Swim!

So much for that buzz.

Oh, shit.

A midget couldn't kill himself off of that bridge.

Isn't this the part where the hillbilly bangs me in the ass?

Oh, you guys wear me out.

You know what? I don't wanna be dead. No way.

Me neither.

What if you could...

What if you could be dead and not be dead?

Dead and... Huh?

Yeah.

No responsibilities. No obligations.

And no debt.

You just get a fresh start.

Uh, I wanna get an order of wings, to go, please.

Sure, hon, what size?

Medium bucket. I'd like a big bucket, myself.

But I'm gonna make an exception in your case.

That's a sweet little turd cutter you got there. First-rate.

How would you like 'em?

Hot, baby, real hot.

Buddy...

Uh, not the spiciest, but you know... Good. Be right back.

They got great wings here, huh?

Best goddamn wings in the world.

Any place else, I won't eat 'em.

They make 'em with too much lard, no butter.

Makes me crap like I got a can of snakes coming out of my ass.

That's good to know.

You like that? I'm not a swordfish no sauce guy.

If it's on the menu, I'm eatin' it.

That so? You bet your ass, tough guy.

Mark? Yeah.

If I get married, I want you to be my best man.

Sure, just let me know when you meet somebody.

No, seriously. Yeah, I know it's

not a time to bring it up, but I've been thinking about it.

And I consider you to be my best friend.

All right, buddy. I'm honored.

Ah, you don't give a fuck.

Anything else?

No, that's it. How about a kiss for old Daddy-o?

No touching!

Mmm, still got that new car smell.

You ought to be careful. Sometimes they have boyfriends.

You're liable to get yourself popped.

What the hell do you know about it?

What? You heard me.

Look, there's two kinds of guys in the world, right?

I mean, look at you. You've never been in a scrap in your whole life,

have you? Am I right?

It's not a big deal. I mean, a lot of guys missed it.

It starts in kindergarten.

You pretend that the bully didn't knock you down. Then, in grade school, you pretend

they didn't take your lunch money away from you.

You're always duckin' and dodgin'.

You get to high school, you pretend you didn't hear the teasing and the catcalls.

And all the time, you're running from the danger.

You skip enough chances, before you know it, you're 30, 35,

and you've never been in a beef.

I guess you know everything. Nah,

just a guy who's lookin' for answers in a bottle.

Nope, not in that one.

So let me get this straight, you fake your demise, your wife and kids get the money,

and you slip the bookie.

And the 27 G's I owe him.

And then what happens, you go into the Loser Protection Program?

Give me the chum.

It's where you were pissin', right?

Hey, hold on. Don't you think this is a little rash? I mean, sure, you got problems,

big ones, but who doesn't? Sure wish I'd paid more attention to

the Discovery Channel. I'd know what these lizards like to eat.

Odds are it's not Hooters.

They're like sharks, they're opportunistic. They'll eat whatever they can get.

Except chicken wings, apparently.

The Discovery Channel is awesome.

I remember watchin' this one about panda bears.

Apparently panda bears have very low libidos, so these poor Japanese bastards...

- Chinese. - Huh?

Pandas are in China.

Chinese, Japanese, Charlie is Charlie. The point is,

is that they spend all day showing 'em movies of other pandas getting busy.

Panda porn.

Panda porn? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.

Till this.

So where you gonna go?

I dunno. Exile.

Where's that? In Mexico?

What about us? Are we ever gonna see each other again?

Guess not.

Ever?

I don't see how.

Well that settles it. We go, we go together.

- To exile. - Exile.

All right, gentlemen, we are officially in business.

Okay, here's the play.

I wind it up to 120 RPMs.

Kick it back down into second, lock her up in the gravel.

She stops in a power slide 10 feet shy of the swamp.

We push her in from there.

That's pretty fast.

We gotta make it look like an accident, right?

You sure you can stop in time? It's a Fury.

I can stop this baby on a dime.

I'm thinking we should salvage some things.

Definitely get some cash for these rims.

Sure, maybe there's a swap meet Saturday.

This is the South, man.

Rims are like currency down here. They pass 'em down from generation to generation,

like heirlooms.

Mark... We should yank the stereo too.

It's no Sanyo box, Blaupunkt.

Like Mercedes. German gear keeps its value.

Wait a second. For this to work,

the car has to go in as-is, end of discussion.

Fine, I lose my car, guitar gets wet too.

Leave her out of it. No way, if Fury goes, guitar goes.

Why, 'cause you're a bad loser?

Well now, you show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser, loser.

It is only fair, we are supposed to be dead. Think of the forensics.

Fine, she goes.

That's it?

Good for you. Way to stick up for yourself.

Save some for the reptiles... Please.

You know, I'm thinkin'? I should do it. Do what?

I'm a professional driver. I drive for a living. Give me the keys.

No way. There's only one Joe who flies this bird.

Whoa.

Mark?

Where the hell is he? He's gone.

Mark?

In the water!

Mark!

Did you see that power roll?

Off the hook.

All right, guys, if you don't mind, we're in Wally Gator's swimming pool.

You see any? You gotta look for their eyes.

I don't see any.

There! He's got the chicken wings!

One, two, three.

Your sister's ass. What?

Tell me you got those tickets out of the glove box.

Oh. There's two words...

Labor Day party. Sorry, guys, I didn't think.

Damn right you didn't think. I don't get it.

How do you manage to screw up so many times in one day?

I get up early.

You know what this means?

Somebody's gotta go in.

I'll do it.

Pretty ballsy, huh?

Did you see that? Oh, no.

Hey, this is bad.

Wow!

Oh, man!

Just a few minutes to go, and Times Square is coming to a boil...

I know what we need. How about it? To, uh...

The afterlife.

The afterlife, that's good.

You know they say the way you spend your New Year's Eve

is the way your whole year's gonna go.

Really? Is that what they say? Because I...

I feel great. Honest to God, I'm feeling liberated, I'm feeling renewed.

Like Butch and Sundance. Butch and Sundance? Didn't they get shot?

Yeah, but with their boots on. Come on, let's go, I'm thirsty. Today.

It's stuck. Give me this.

Hey!

I wanna propose a toast.

New leaf, we got a clean slate.

I say we take advantage of it and start living like philosophers.

No more mincin' words or dancin' around. You see a thing, you name a thing.

What the hell are you talking about?

Yeah, I'm gonna live more true. More honest.

New me's gonna be a straight shooter. Oh, okay then. Me too.

Straight shooter. Me too! You gotta stop being a parrot, man.

You're always doin' that. You can't do that. You just... You chime in,

you just agree with everybody right away. All right, that's fair...

That's what I'm talking about.

Polly want a cracker?

Okay, now remember when you point that finger, you got four pointed back at you.

Take Billy here, he's the perfect example.

He backs down to everybody. He's got more footprints on him than a treadmill.

All right, just give me some bubbles. No therapy, please.

No therapy, just the truth.

You tell me right now. What is it gonna take for you to finally stand up for yourself?

Thank you for that insightful counsel, Dr. Freud.

Now what's it gonna take for you to shut your know-it-all yap and

let me enjoy this outstanding beverage? Pucker up and blow me.

I knew I should have killed myself alone. Okay, guys, why don't we...

Wind it down a little bit, get some sleep. We got a big game tomorrow.

Hey, Billy. Think that douche in the shitter was the only one nailing your wife?

Okay, Captain Honest, you got something to say? Finish the thought.

Let's just say there were other passengers on that flight.

Fuck you. What are you saying? You banged my wife?

Guys, why don't we just... Shut up.

Did you bang my wife?

Tell me you're lying.

Or what, Billy?

Are you going to hit me? Tell me you're lying, or tell me good-bye.

This is so wrong.

What the hell did you do...

All the women you could get, why the hell...

Relax, I never touched his wife.

Then why did you...

He's pathetic.

I'm trying to get him to stand up for himself. I'm trying to help him.

You're a mess. Help yourself.

Oh, look, Dweezil, give me a break... Yeah, I'm a clerk.

Sells whiteout and envelopes, okay.

I can't get a girl, my mother's a bitch. You got me, dead to rights.

And now that that's cleared up, why don't you have a quick look at yourself.

You're the coolest guy I ever met, hands down.

Could dunk a basketball flat-footed, could talk a girl down to her Jockeys.

Make anybody think his jokes are funny.

The man everybody wanted to be.

With all of that, you throw your money away gambling,

you let your family slip through your fingers, and now...

You run off the two best friends you've ever had.

I'd ask why,

but then I'm kinda past caring.

Happy New Year.

Two sugars, no NutraSweet,

and that's the way it's gonna be.

Hey!

Oops.

You stupid, little son of a bitch. Sorry, sir.

Now get down here and clean this up!

Hey, get down here and clean this up!

Whoo!

What are you doing, huh?

Good catch, buddy. Ready? Down one, hike!

Kid's got hands.

And he's got heart.

Loves the game. Who's he rootin' for tonight?

Ah, we don't have tickets. He just loves to soak up the atmosphere.

Says he's gonna play in this stadium someday.

I hope he gets to.

Yo, who's got tickets? I need some tickets over here.

- Who's selling? Who's selling? - Yo, need two!

Who's got two?

Oh, my God.

I'll give you $500 a piece, right now.

$1,500, you gotta make a move.

Why don't you paint that thing?

It's earth tone, one of a kind.

Well, you better wear a helmet, they'll write you.

I got a hard head.

We can't afford these.

Sure you can, they're on me.

Just leave me one when he comes back and suits up some day.

Hey,

what's your name?

For the tickets someday.

Did you see that? Nothing but cork.

Two triples and a bull. This girl is unbelievable.

Talk to her.

Classic Tudor with a high finish. You do that beautifully.

I like to think that it's Creole, tutored by way of Lake Charles, Louisiana.

Hi, I'm Jason.

Janice.

May I have the honor of a match?

I yield the lane to the challenger. Hmm.

I accept the courtesy.

Tungsten Devastators with the spinning Hammer Head flights.

Sweet!

They're not for everyone.

I could do some damage with these.

Nice balance.

The R-182 shafts.

I'm thirsty.

Want a cold one?

Getting me a beer?

Can't find your seat? I'm looking for my husband, he's supposed to be right here

in these seats.

Is his name Mark?

And now, America, Miss Vanna White!

♪ Oh, say can you see

♪ By the dawn's early light... ♪

The spectacular wreckage of an ancient Plymouth Fury

was pulled from the swamp on Country Road 61, near Beecham...

No sign of survivors...

I knew those guys.

Best friends I ever had.

Cold ones.

I'll take a beer.

Keep it.

Thanks.

Big cats. Melville.

Hey, more guitar. Up.

One, two, three!

One triple away.

Well struck, grasshopper.

Oh, well I've spent much time snatching the pebble from the serpent's maw.

Hey, look at that guy over there. He's got a hearing aid the size of a lawn mower

stuck to his head.

And he has it on high.

Oh, shit.

You again.

You know what it cost me to detail that car?

It was an accident.

Uh-huh.

It looks like we're up next. Well, uh...

Please go ahead, because we were just messing around.

You can have it. We want a match with you.

We accept. What do you want to play for?

How about $10 cricket?

Cricket?

Do I look like I want to spend time with you? All I want to do is take your money.

First bull's-eye, 50 bucks.

Okay, I'll lead off.

- I'll call you when I need you. - Hey.

I got a score to settle with your little comedian friend here.

I wanna see him shoot. Yeah, shit or get off the pot.

Bet you 100 bucks he can hit a dime on my forehead.

Are you nuts?

I've seen you shoot. It's like throwing a rock in the ocean.

I'll take that bet. Oh, no, uh... We're not doing this.

What's the matter, chuckles? Chicken?

Pedro, where's the ice?

Jason...

I trust you.

Move.

No cheating. I don't need to cheat, you clowns.

Lock and fire on it.

Good shot.

Pay the man his hundy.

Two out of three.

That's funny.

You know, there's three ways that I can tell a jerkoff.

One, was O.J. guilty? Two, Coke or Pepsi?

And I forgot the third one.

Bull's-eye.

- That went well. - Leave him alone!

Zip it.

Okay, come on if you're comin'.

There's five of us and one of you.

Two...

Of us. And I don't like your chances.

We're gonna kill you guys.

Too late, we've already been dead 11 hours.

Welcome back to the male species. Nice to have you back.

What are you talking about? You think I'm doing this because of you?

Fight!

Come on, bring it. Come, on.

Yeah? Billy!

Huh?

Hit him! Billy, hit him!

Go!

Come on...

Let go! Bastards!

Wow, I think it kicks ass.

Headin' out tonight.

As fast as you can.

Don't start with me.

Far be it for me...

You never stop, do you? Okay, come on, guys. Enough already.

Come on, Billy, we got the motel room for one more night. Let's just...

Go out on a good note. No. I'm gonna get rolling north.

Back home.

All right.

I'm gonna go for a nightcap. You wanna come?

No, I'm done. I'll go home.

Okay.

Hey, I was wondering...

What's it gonna take, huh?

I'll show you what it's gonna take.

Mark! Hey, Mark! Me!

Congratulations, you win.

You're making me do something I thought I'd never do, raise my hand to a friend!

Well, come on out! Dick!

You know not everybody has the same definition about what it takes to make a man,

I mean, sometimes it takes more guts to...

Maybe there'd be a little more peace in the world if...

But not tonight.

You get your know-it-all, control freak, make-your-friends-Mike-Tyson ass

out here now! Let's do what we gotta do!

I am so sick and tired of this macho bullshit!

Come on!

All right, we'll do it in there.

He's testing every time you give in. I know.

Try taking away a toy, and if he doesn't stop, it's time out.

I know he's headstrong. But you have to be firm.

Here you go, Jason.

I... I forgot the NutraSweet.

That's over. I don't use it anymore.

Where's mine?

You were sleeping.

Weren't sleepin', I'd say.

It's like... It's like you took a bullet that was meant for me.

I'm so sorry, Billy.

How's that?

Enough with the pillows.

Please.

I never touched Kate.

I would never do that.

But this is so wrong.

I'm in a whole 'nother universe of wrong here.

And I gotta tell you, I gotta... And you too, Jason...

I failed you guys so completely.

I failed myself.

I have been a total horse's ass, and

all you guys do is stick by me.

They used to think I was so good under pressure.

And it turns out that I'm the one who folds it every time.

Like a coward.

Never wanted anybody's help, God forbid.

But I was wrong.

I need you.

I need you, Jason.

I need you to help me to stop blaming everybody else for my...

Disappointments. And all I can tell you is thank you.

Thank you for helping me realize what's important.

Being one of you guys,

being a good husband to Sher.

And a good father to Hayden.

I am so sorry.

Hey.

Sherry, it's completely over.

I set up a payment schedule, and it's done.

You two are the center of my life.

Please give me a chance to prove that I can change. Please.

You think she'll listen to me? Yes, Daddy, I think she will.

Hey, get in here, you two.

Let's go.

Hey, Billy. Scarlet.

New bike, huh?

Yeah, makin' some changes.

Traded in 18 wheels for two.

Changes... Huh.

Got some miles on it.

Who doesn't?

Cold?

Take 'em.

What happened here?

It's a long story.

Get on.

I've got work.

Uh-uh. Your shift's over.

You mean it?

You bet I do.