Original subtitles

You've been in here four hours, are you ready?

Of course I'm ready.

Two sprays on the wrist.

Four.

And a walk-through.

All right.

St. Louis, give it up, huh?

Home of Budweiser.

I'm in a text message war right now.

Anybody do text messaging?

Never knew I had the option.

Get in a fight with your girlfriend.

You'll find out what text messaging is all about.

I left the house, a little envelope came up on the screen.

I'm like, what is this?

It's a message from her, I pressed.

It's like, why have you changed?

And I didn't know there was rules to text messaging.

I called her back.

I'm like, what's going on?

She's like, what the hell are you doing?

We're not ready for this, hang up and text me back.

I'm not good with the thumb.

And there's a thing on here that will help you out

called T9 Word.

It will actually guess what you're trying to say.

Yeah, don't use this drunk.

Don't don't come home horny, drunk,

you want to text your girl a sexy message.

Look what you're typing before you send it.

I didn't look, I just, you know.

I got a call right back.

She's like, uh, what do you Mean you want to kick my puppy?

'Cause we love the phone, we love this thing.

I saw you guys coming in, looking at it.

If it doesn't ring, five, 10 minutes go by, you get nervous.

You take it out, you're like, is this on?

Just dyin' for a call.

And they give you so many options.

Anybody using any of these options?

Anybody using the world clock?

Anybody ever stop you?

Excuse me, time it is in Japan, please?

Voice memo?

Who's walking around town, buy eggs!

We just love hitting buttons, don't we?

Love it.

You ever get into stuff that you don't even know

what the hell you're getting into?

Ever get into starting web browser by accident?

Phone starts connecting, you start sweatin', you're like,

I got to get out of this.

This is at least $82 a minute, I know it.

It's connecting, phone is shaking.

I drop my phone, ever do that, drop it?

It's like it happens in slow motion.

Came out of the pocket, poof!

You try and catch it, but you can't.

And my battery flew off.

You ever have the battery flew off?

For some reason, we think this thing's got a heartbeat.

Like we got to put it together within seconds.

Like, oh, my Ood, the battery, come on, breathe!

'Cause we can't lose the contact list.

Does anybody know anybody's phone number

off the top of their head?

Yeah, my mother's phone number, don't know it.

Just contact, ma, send.

Where's this guy, with the phone right here?

Where's this guy?

That's my phone!

Yeah, it's right here.

Might go off soon.

It's all right, he looks like he should have

his phone there.

He's a cool guy, probably got a song For the ringtone.

Yeah, his phone goes off here,

tonight, the whole room's gonna...

Don't answer, good part coming up, I like this one.

'Cause we love it, you ever ask somebody

to borrow their phone?

Watch them go into a panic attack?

I asked my buddy, John, can I Borrow your phone?

He's like, for what, what do you wanna do?

I'm gonna use it to make flapjacks, gimme it.

You ever see the way people Take care of their phone?

I flipped his phone open.

On the screen here, it had the cheek juice, like, ugh.

I can't even see the time.

What, is your head leaking?

Why is there hair on your phone?

'Cause we love technology, we love it.

Everybody's at the gym with the iPod.

You ever see these people?

They love, anybody got an iPod here?

Oh, yeah, of course, look at 'em, proud.

Different colors, they got it in.

They go to the gym, they strap it right here to their bicep.

It's my Pod.

And they're looking at me 'cause I'm still working with CD.

It's like a dinosaur walked into the club.

I walk in, big cd player hanging on.

And all the iPod people, they stop what they're doing

when I walk in, right?

They're, like, shocked, they're like this, look at this!

Is that a CD player this guy's...

Poor guy.

Look at him change discs!

'Cause with your iPod, you got everything right here.

You know, whatever.

Workout music, whatever you want, one button, you got it.

Yeah, God forbid if you're still working with cassette.

Remember the tape?

Put that in your yellow, waterproof Walkman?

Huh?

Why was that waterproof?

Anybody ever go swimming With that damn thing on?

Anybody ever dive in a pool, gimme my Walkman,

I'm going under.

Took you all afternoon to find a song on a cassette tape.

Be sitting there

It's not on this tape, where is it?

You told me it was on the Maxell 90, where is it?

90 minutes of music they gave us, remember?

Then they bumped it up.

They gave us 120, two hours.

Yeah, I didn't know what to do.

I was calling my friends, dude, two hours of music.

Where they goin' with this stuff?

Now I got my friends with the iPod.

Hey, Sebastian, I got 79 weeks Of music right here.

There was no iTunes back then.

You like a song tonight, you'll Burn it when you get home.

You'll get that song.

Not 20 years ago, I had to wait four or five weeks

that damn thing came on the radio, right?

And I always had my cassette in the radio.

Right?

I didn't know when my song was coming on.

I had to be ready.

I could've been washing my car, right?

Hear my song, that's it, that's it!

Got it.

Four weeks I been waiting for this to come on.

Sometimes you got the DJ introduction on it.

Remember that?

You're like, Oh, I got the intro now!

Ah, man, they're not gonna think I bought it.

Then we fill up the tape.

It's label time.

You got to label it.

Take it, peel off side A, right?

Put that on the tape.

Give it some stupid name we Thought was so cool.

Hot Hits.

Mega Mix.

Remember that little sleeve they gave ya?

The little cassette sleeve that you're supposed

to turn around and write the name of the artist

and the song?

They give you about this much room to do all that.

Be sitting there writing the song, and then you have

to whip it down the side.

Wham.

Digital camera, that's another thing.

People lose their mind when They take a picture

with this damn thing.

They love it, they take it out of their pocket

wherever they're at.

Normally it's right Here in their pocket.

Hey, c'mon.

C'mon, we're gonna take a picture, I got it, c'mon.

You ever see the way they react after they take it?

It's like this.

Look!

That's us.

Pass it around, let everybody see it.

'Cause we need it now, there's no waiting.

There's no waiting for film, I need to see it.

Remember when we had film?

Big lens hanging off your chest.

Took it on vacation, right?

Went to Sea World to go see Shamu.

Sat down, Shamu popped out of the water, poof!

Hope we got that.

It's technology, it's how we communicate.

Internet, everybody loves email.

Got my buddy calling me.

People are calling me.

You ever have somebody call you and ask you

if you got the email?

My buddy's like, did you get my email?

No, what's your email address?

Dirtyball69@yahoo.

Why would I open that?

That's one of those that come in, you're like,

oh, I don't, should I click there?

Is it a virus, what?

Yeah.

I just got dumped on the email recently,

right through the internet.

Yeah, this guy, yeah, I know, it's terrible, believe me.

'Cause when you start dating, when you first start dating,

emails are cute.

Couldn't wait to get it.

'Cause women take their time with email.

Their subject heading is always friendly.

Yeah, hey, baby.

Thinkin' of you, dot, dot, dot.

Open up the email, every other word is a different color.

Waterfall background.

Yeah, a little attachment file, right?

You click that, a heart comes up, poof!

Cracks open, little butterfly starts flying around.

Talking to ya, I love you.

Dump email?

Different story.

Subject heading?

None.

Cap lock.

Bold.

Got the take care at the end.

Take care?

That's something you tell the cabby after the fare, right?

Take care, buddy, I'll see ya, take care.

I didn't give six weeks

of my life for take care.

It all ended in Las Vegas.

That's where it came down.

If you think you're in a great relationship,

you think this is Fantastic, take a weekend to Vegas.

Test it out.

Something about that town brings out the worst in people.

I didn't know what the hell she was arguing for.

I got there, the littlest things were setting her off.

I went to go grab her hand in the casino,

I gave her a little static electricity,

she's like...

Pick your feet up.

What do you want me to do, float?

I didn't want to fight, I don't like confrontation.

I'm like, all right, we're in Vegas, let's enjoy this.

I went to go grab her ass In the casino, a little

you know, we're dating type of thing.

Don't touch my ass when we're out in public.

You were juggling my nuts rhe first night we met.

So I'm like, all right, let's go gamble.

Maybe that will cool things out.

And, guys, you know how it works.

We pay, they play, right?

Yeah.

They have no concept of Gambling, right?

They love the slots, so I put $100 in the slot machine,

and Right away, she's poof, poof, poof, poof!

Yeah, relax.

Let's enjoy the spin.

Take a look at the cherry and the tangerine.

Let's get a free drink out of this.

I lost $80 in two minutes, gone.

I said, cash out, we're not winning here.

Just cash it out.

She's like, no, no, no, no.

I got a feeling.

I said, yeah, I got a feeling too,

that we're not gonna be eating tonight.

Now cash out.

But the Vegas trip with the girl is a totally different

Vegas Trip than with the guys, right?

Yeah.

I recently went to Vegas for a bachelor party.

Guys, do not go to Vegas for a bachelor party

with 10 of your cheapest friends.

I get there, all of us are staying in one room.

It's like, yeah, we're not gonna spend much time up here.

Just take the bathtub, you'll be all right.

And the best man's bragging.

We got strippers comin' up to the room, man.

Strippers, yeah, we got two of 'em.

Everybody's got to buck up, the total's $29.95.

$30, who the hell are we getting for $30?

So we're all sitting there, waiting for that knock

to come to the door.

All right, they come up, I open up the door.

They're naked already in the hallway.

Get in here, what, did you walk down the hall like this?

And we got the runaways, you know, the 18-year-olds

that don't even know what the hell they're doing there,

they just walk in.

I'm looking, one of 'em had one implant.

Had a 36D over here, and a 32B roped off,

under construction on this.

I'm savin' up.

So, we're like, all right, you Know.

The guys don't care, all right, just come on in.

They want to give us lap dances.

Yeah, they didn't even bring a radio.

I got to put the alarm clock radio on.

You ever tried picking a station off this thing?

I'm searchin', I look back, they're dancing to commercials.

No rhythm, no sexy moves.

And I stood up, I said, after 10 minutes, I said,

listen, ladies, nobody's hard here.

Take your boob and go home.

So I went to go gamble, and I don't know how

to gamble either, I can't stand gambling,

'cause I start sweating.

It's not fun for me, 'cause I'm relating everything

I'm losing to a bill I got back home.

Right, it's not dollars, it's the bills, right?

I'm like, oh, there goes the health insurance.

I just lost my health insurance.

Then I go the ATM in the casino back, you know.

Come on, come on.

It's the only time I'm getting money in the casino,

is at the ATM, that's it.

So it's good to be back in the Midwest.

I just grew up in Chicago, not too far from here, right?

Love it, I love the Midwest.

I grew up in an Italian family, any Italians here?

Yeah, a couple?

Really weird growing up Italian, I tell ya.

Especially at my house.

I just talked to my dad today.

And he's like, well, what's going on?

He doesn't even know where he goes half of the time.

He's got his own names to the stores, you know?

He can't put it together.

He's like, yeah, no, I went Over to, Bath and Beyond.

I went to get some coffee at Starbusters.

Yeah, it's a good place.

He's like, I caught an Italian mouse, though, in the house.

I caught it, Italian mouse.

I said, how the hell do you know it's Italian?

He said, I'll tell ya how.

I had the trap down for two nights with cheddar cheese.

Nothin'.

Soon as I put the provolone, ding, got 'em.

Italian mouse.

I didn't even know how Italian I was until Christmas Eve.

That's where I figured out, wow, we're Italian.

'Cause the kids at school told me one thing, I come home,

my father told me something totally different.

Kids at school are like, put out milk and cookies

for Santa Claus.

He's comin' tonight.

OK, five years old, I'm setting up the table,

putting out the milk, the cookies.

My father comes over, he's like, what's this?

What is it?

I said, it's milk and cookies.

For Santa, he's comin' tonight.

He's like, go get rid of this, and get the pinot grigio

and the meatballs in the refrigerator.

Santa's not gonna eat this.

Matter of fact, santa had a long day.

Go get the scotch.

Mrs. Claus is drivin' him up a wall.

But it's cold, it's cold in the Midwest.

We got to do things quick out here, 'cause winter comes.

We got five months to do stuff.

That's why people in the Midwest,

we're quick with stuff, right?

Travel elsewhere, people are just in a fog.

Right, just going into stores, trying to get stuff.

'Cause I like to go in and out.

I don't want a hassle, no nothing, right?

Everything's a problem everywhere I go.

I went to Walgreens.

One guy works at Walgreens.

He does everything, he's in photo,

then he's running over to the pharmacy.

I'm like, what?

Nine checkout stands, one guy.

Was there ever nine people Working here, ever, right?

'Cause you walk in, there's always a line.

It's always a problem.

Every line I get into, my line never moves.

I'm always in the back of the line, looking up there.

You ever see the cashier leave?

You're like, where are you going?

People don't even think they have to pay for stuff.

When was it ever free?

People are shocked that they're getting a total.

They come up, nothing out, that's $18.82.

What?

You ever see the checkbook come out? What's this, checkbook?

2007 checkbook, what are you doing?

You'll see it, it will come out of a bag in, slow motion.

The whole line sees it, they're like, oh God.

We got a checkbook.

'Cause it's just not the checkbook.

It's stuff that goes with the checkbook.

Glasses always come on.

We got to find the, hold on, one second.

Let me find it.

Who do I make out the check to?

Walgreens, it's on the guy's apron, on the bags.

There's a lot of hints here.

People talking to the cashier.

People asking questions.

Just go home.

And I'm looking in line, I start looking outside,

and there's somebody asking for money.

I hate this, right?

Like, the charities or whatever they are.

I'll give to charity, but I don't like to be approached

with a clipboard, I don't like that.

'Cause you start looking, you're like,

oh, what do I got to deal with out there?

'Cause you don't, it's a very uncomfortable.

They come up to you right when you walk up.

I put my head down, right?

They come up, head down.

No, I'm good!

Sir, no, I'm good!

And sometimes, they hit you with that god bless you.

God bless you, sir.

You're like, oh, God, what did I just do.

Went to the grocery store, that's another place.

Getting a little casual At the grocery store, huh?

Anybody care what they look like anymore?

People just come out as is, eh.

Must roll out of bed.

And they're in the fruit section.

Yeah, just a robe, eh.

I'm comfortable.

I'd be, I'm comfortable.

I don't care what anyone else thinks, I'm comfortable.

Yeah, I'm uncomfortable that you're comfortable.

Shower.

I shower, it's an event in my house.

Some of my friends call me.

Yeah, I'm gonna take a quick shower, I'll be right over.

Eh, stay in there for a bit.

Clean yourself.

Right?

I get in the shower, I do a full-body presoak.

It's time to work.

Who's still washing with their hands?

What are you doing?

You wash your car with your hands?

Go get the loofah.

An exfoliating glove, it's time to work.

Got my Lever 2000 antibacterial body wash.

Yeah, yeah, you know, put a little dime of soap

into your glove, and then you lather up.

And I shut the shower off.

No need for water right now.

I do a full lathering, from head to toe.

And why are we rinsing so fast?

Let the soap work.

Yeah, I sit there, eight, nine minutes just marinating.

I get out of the shower, I got a little baby powder

waiting For me, take a little of that.

Poof!

Got a hot date like this guy, think I might get lucky.

Take another scoop, pooF!

All right, prepare it.

You want 'em coming back here.

They're not gonna come back if it smells like seaweed.

I go a step further, I put a little cologne on mine.

Hurts at first.

But nine hours later, when she's got a mouthful

of Acqua di Gio.

Who's happy?

I put my clothes on, take the cologne again.

I do my two sprays on the wrist,

Four and a walk-through.

And I'm ready to go buy milk.

That grocery store, people stink, don't they?

Sometimes the stench will find you.

I was sitting in line, I was like

Wait a minute.

Where's this coming from, what is this?

This guy's mouth was so bad,

it was cascading over my head.

I got caught in a mouth cloud.

And a lot of people, they just keep it in.

They're like, God, this guy stinks.

I talk to people while I'm out.

I had to turn around with this guy, it was so bad.

I was like, excuse me, sir?

Did somebody crap in your mouth?

My eyes are watering.

Drop the tabloid, pick up one Of these Altoids,

will you, please?

And that's another line that doesn't move,

grocery store line.

Guy had four items, four items.

I'm like, oh, good, four items.

We're not gonna screw this up, are we?

They scan it, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Then he pulled this one.

And a pack of Marlboro lights, please.

Now we got to go to the cage.

That's another five minutes out of my day.

People with the receipts, what are you looking at?

Throw it away, chuck it, get rid of it.

I get my receipt, goodbye, I don't need it.

It's not because I got money.

It's because, yeah, sometimes you do get screwed.

But then sometimes you walk out Of the store with the water

underneath your cart.

It's free today, I forgot.

Over the course of a lifetime, that all evens out.

We don't got to hold up the line With questions

about the receipt.

You'll see the lady, she's got that receipt face.

That light bulb goes off in her head.

She's like, excuse me.

Hi, I didn't get the club card savings today.

Yeah, the kudos, they're on sale for $2.99.

You charged me $3.02.

Three cents, you're gonna find three cents

on the way to the car.

Get out of my life.

What else?

Went to get a haircut, I'm going bald.

Anybody else bald?

Yeah!

Yeah, this guy's proud of it.

You're proud, Good for you, he's accepted it.

I got a hard problem, 'cause I take a shower,

I got the, look at my hand, I'm like, oh, my God.

That's a toupee.

Right, and I went to the doctor, he said

Rogaine or Propecia, that's my two options.

Propecia, the pill, the side effect, erectile dysfunction.

I said, listen, Doc.

The whole reason...

I don't want to have a full head of hair and no boner.

I also don't want to be bald With a rod.

And you got no chick.

This guy's walking around stiff, eh, no, no girl.

But no, they told me, you got to go to a salon.

That's where you got to go.

They do it in a way that doesn't look like

it's going, right?

And most guys, what do we do, barber, nothing fancy.

Just one guy, 12 bucks, does everything.

Cuts it, cleans it, does everything.

He's got his combs in the blue juice.

Anybody ever ask what that blue juice is?

What is that?

You ever see 'em whip out the comb?

OK, we're gonna comb your hair.

Hey, you want to get the acid off the comb?

Maybe that's why it's falling out.

So I go to this high-end Beverly Hills salon, right?

And you drop a normal guy into a salon, we don't even know

what we're doing in there, right?

'Cause ladies, you know, you spend the day there.

You know how it works.

We don't know what we're doing in there.

It's very intimidating.

I walked in, all the women that worked there

had a headset on.

I thought I walked into a Rhythm Nation video.

They came out, said, edit.

You got to come up and ask for your stylist, you know?

Not a normal name, it's just some guy,

Some foreign guy, you don't even know how to, you know,

hi, excuse me, I'm here for,

Damo?

Is that a guy?

And Damo's so busy he can't even come out to see you, right?

He sends out an assistant.

She comes out, Hi, Sebastian, welcome to Shwa Shwa.

Would you like to go in the back and change?

I'm getting my hair cut, right?

When the hell did you get naked to get a haircut?

When did this start, I didn't get the memo.

'Cause they put you in a room with these beautiful robes.

I take off my shirt, I put the robe on, I'm like,

what am I doing?

I come back in the salon, nobody tells you where to go.

Just walking around.

Damo here?

Walked into the area where they wash you.

You know, they got all the Washing set up.

Playmate model comes out.

Beautiful woman comes out, she says, Hi, Sebastian.

Can I wash your head?

Yeah, let's get this started, where do I go for this?

That's why I got the robe on?

So I sit down in the bowl.

She puts my head down, and she starts giving me

a beautiful, sensual massage,

and then, like, a nipple fell in my mouth.

I was like...

How much does this cost?

Now she dries me.

Now you got that dry head and a robe.

She puts me back into the salon, still no direction,

just...

Damo here?

I go to Damo's station, it's like a shrine.

His chair's elevated.

I sit in this chair, no Damo.

Waiter came up to me.

Can I get you a biscotti?

Some cappuccino?

What, now, I'm getting my hair cut.

Then some smoke started in the corner.

Here comes Damo.

A cape.

He's got his shears in a holster, says Damo.

Then he took his shears out.

And he walked away.

I'm like, this is over?

And then he came back with product.

They love the product, they love the upsell, right?

Come back with a little, little thing, right?

You can't even get this In the States, you know.

What?

Then he did that little whip, what they do,

you know, the little...

OK.

Yeah, like they're gonna make a pizza.

OK, we're gonna do it, right, nice, yeah?

Then he starts going in on my head, poof!

Poof, poof, poof, poof!

I'm sitting there, what the?

And after it's done, you're just sitting there

looking at yourself, you're like, God.

I look fantastic.

That's the best $1,800 I've ever spent.

Then I went to T.J. Maxx.

Anybody been to this nightmare?

What, do you own the joint, yeah!

I walked into TJ, I thought I walked into Downtown Beirut.

I thought a bomb went off at this store.

Everything is on the floor.

How are they shopping at that store?

What, are they pulling stuff off the shelf,

yeah, this is not my size.

I went looking for jeans, I heard they had

cheap jeans at TJ.

So, I'm in the store, shopping.

I found a pair

in housewares.

Stamped Irregular, anybody buying irregular clothing?

Ever see that Irregular stamp here?

Now you got to lay it out.

You got to find out what the hell happened.

Why are these a dollar?

'Cause originally, $98.

Now a buck.

You got to find out why $97 been knocked off the pant.

And if you're like me, you look at 'em, you're like,

what, I can't find it, I can't find the problem.

I found a treasure.

'Til you get to that fitting room.

By the way, try it on wherever you find it.

You go to the fitting room, no drape, no door, nothin'.

People walking by.

I went to go get the zipper, the button, all this stuff,

wasn't even here.

I found that right here on the calf.

Ever see the people they got working at the store?

Irregular.

Is there even an interview over there?

They just give 'em a vest.

Here, go, walk around the store.

Went to the underwear section, all the underwear is boxed.

The box has been ripped open so many times,

they got to duct tape 'em shut.

You don't even know what the hell you're buying.

I took a gamble, C.K. Boxer briefs for 39 cents.

I brought 'em home, I cut the box open, it's a set of forks.

Then I went to Kmart.

Whatever you people feel like doing at Kmart, do it.

You get a little thirsty?

Pop something open.

Who's lookin'?

A guy was drinking cranberry juice right off the shelf.

Just took a sip, OK, that's all I need.

Let's go, kids, c'mon.

No, open the Sun Chips, eat.

Why buy it at Kmart, use it in the store.

I went by sporting goods, there was a guy running

on the treadmill.

Not testing it out, doing a 45 minute workout.

With a trainer.

Yeah.

Oh, man, I did have a good summer, though.

Now that it's winter, I did have a good summer.

I took my niece to the water slides.

Anyone been to the water slides lately?

Went to Wet 'n Wild, haven't been there in 20 years.

Things have changed, people.

When I was a kid, I went, two bucks to get into the park.

They give you a little shammy, here, go.

Right, there's one slide, I think it was called Fun Run.

You go up 10 steps with your Shammy, throw yourself down.

Oh, wow.

You were going so slow, you would stop in the middle.

And some more water would come, whoa, OK.

Ease yourself into the pool, no problem, right?

I went this past summer.

$29 to get into the park, no shammy.

Instead, the guy gave me a liability form.

He said, sir, you want to sign that, please?

For what?

Ah, just in case you die of a cardiac arrest

on one of the rides here.

How bad are the rides?

So, I go, rhe first ride I go to is called the Black Hole.

30 stories up in the air.

And I get up there, I'm out of breath, right?

And they got some carny running the damn thing.

He's like, what's goin' on?

Get in!

Get in?

And you just don't throw yourself down.

That silver bar, you just threw yourself down.

They don't got that anymore.

This thing, they had a coffin up there, with a door on it.

He's like, get in, get in.

All right.

So, I get in this thing, the door slams shut,

speakers pop on.

Poof, poof!

Cross your arms and your legs.

Then, without any warning, the floor drops from under you,

and you just,

it's like a free fall.

I don't even think there was a slide behind me.

I think they just dropped me, 30 foot stories

right under three feet of water.

I'm careening down, and I happen to open up my legs

on entry into the pool.

I still don't know where the bathing suit lining went.

So you know how it is, we go underneath water,

and then we pop up, we don't know where the hell we're at.

You look like an idiot, right?

So what I do is I hold, I stay.

Collect myself, right?

Make sure my shorts are on.

I do my hair.

And then I come out of the water, cool,

like nothin' happened, right?

Guy next to me didn't take the time.

He just popped up.

Naked.

Hair everywhere.

Had that swimmer's snot Wrapped around, oh, my God.

Those people never know they got that wrapped

around their head, walking around.

That was a good ride!

People are disgusting.

The health club locker room.

Guys, locker room at the health club, put a towel on.

What's with the walking around just naked?

Comfortable, aren't they?

Like they're in their living room, just walking around.

That guy always wants to talk to me.

Buck naked, wants to start a conversation with me.

Hey, guy?

How was your workout?

Get it off my knee.

One guy had a head of hair on his ass, what?

I'm supposed to work out With that visual?

Everybody's out with their dogs.

That's another thing I can't stand, the dogs.

I love dogs, don't get me wrong.

I had one as a kid, but now everybody's

taking it out shopping, what's this all about?

Dressing it up?

The dog's got socks on, what is this?

Socks and a sweater.

I had a dog as a kid, it was like, eh, just a dog.

Just there, like background music.

Doorbell would ring, woof, and it would go somewhere.

Eh, come on in.

Wasn't the focal point of our lives.

Yeah, maybe once in a while, we'd bend down, all right, hey.

Get the hell out of here, go ahead.

They had a Santa Claus this year at the mall for your dog.

97 dogs in line, four kids to see the normal Santa,

but the dog line wrapped around the mall.

With the owners sitting there petting the dog.

Hi, Thornton.

Yeah, you're gonna go see Santa.

And they put the dog on Santa's lap.

And from that line they're like, go ahead, Thornton!

Go ahead, tell Santa what you want.

And I'm sitting there looking, I'm like,

he just wants to lick his balls.

But he can't because he's got a sweater on.

Just do dog things with the dog.

What happened to frisbee, dog bone, what happened?

I went to the mall, somebody had the dog in a stroller.

Yeah, with the kid crawling behind 'em.

You see the dog on Oprah, with the two legs?

You see this thing?

Yeah, Faith the dog.

Born with two hind legs, that's it, no front legs.

Now, what the mother of the dog is supposed to do

on instinct, it's supposed to kill it.

The dog ain't gonna go nowhere with two legs.

That's what they said on Oprah, believe me.

Supposed to kill it.

No, now you add humans to the equation.

Oh.

We're gonna save it.

Save?

For the first two weeks, the dog's walking around

like this, eh?

I'm looking at this, I'm like, what are they doing?

So they got the owner like, what we did is, we dangled

peanut butter in front of its head

so it would have to use the, so the dog, one day, just,

pops up.

It's walking around like a human being!

I'm like, what is that?

And Oprah's like, please welcome Faith.

And it comes out of the back like...

And the crowd's, like, looking at the dog like

you're looking at me, should we laugh?

Should we, what is it?

They actually have B-roll of This dog walking across

a pedestrian crosswalk.

You imagine pulling up to rhe stop sign and seeing this?

He's coming up for table scraps at the dinner table, right?

Imagine being a guest in that house for dinner?

Not knowing they have a dog?

And they're like, Faith, come get your meal!

Oh, my God, what is it?

What is it, a kangaroo?

What're you doing?

Oh, it's OK.

That's people for you, right?

So, that's good.

We got you all out tonight, everybody's kind of coupled up.

I see a lot of couples out there.

Yeah, no, it's good, it's good to be in a relationship.

It all starts at the first date, that's the big date, right?

Normally go out for dinner.

What the guy does, ladies, at the dinner date,

he's just trying to figure out how much

the bill is in his head before it comes to the table.

And I went out for sushi, I have no idea what sushi costs.

Chicken, salad, steak, I know what that goes for.

A dynamite roll, I have no idea what the hell that is.

So I can't really guess what the price is.

But the bill came, I'm thinking, yeah, it's about 120 bucks.

Then I do the quick peek.

That's what we do on that first date.

We don't look at it like it's a life

insurance policy, right?

We act like it didn't even come, you know?

So I saw the total, $256, yeah.

Yeah, whoo, I closed it, and then I started sweating

on the inside of my body.

'Cause on that first date, you can't let on that that total

might bother you, right?

You just have to take that poker face.

But if you've been dating for a while, or you're married

and you get a bill like that,

you'll flip it over, can you believe this crap?

200 and, what the hell did you eat?

You better take a good look at this place.

We're not coming back here again.

Take a look at the art.

Lick the plate, take the wasabi home.

Steal something, take a dish, put it in your purse.

They're not looking, put it in your purse.

But that first date, we take that.

We internalize it, like, oh, God, that hurt.

So I put the credit card on the bill.

We even do that cool, right, ladies?

We pull out the credit card, yeah, you can take it.

Go ahead, run it.

Now she starts talking to me.

I don't hear a word she says.

I just go into the nodding mode, yeah.

Really?

Just thinking what job I got to get to pay

for this disaster.

So it comes back, I sign it.

Now we got to go somewhere else, right?

Most men, we don't grasp this concept.

We want to go one place and go home.

It's always the women in the parking lot,

where are we going now?

We just did it.

They want atmosphere, I want atmosphere.

We go to a wine bar, we sit down.

Guys, the waiter is gonna soak you for all you're worth.

He knows you're on that first date.

Goes right to the lady, can I get you a glass of wine?

She's like, Oh, I'll just have a red.

He's like, hmm, may I recommend something

with a velvety finish?

You mother...

Velvety?

That's an expensive word, you don't know what the hell's

coming out to the table.

He's like, we just popped open a bottle

of our Ferrari-Carano.

Ferrari's making wine?

So I had to go to the bathroom, I had to relax.

I go to the bathroom, I lock myself in the stall.

And then I take out that itemized receipt from Sushi

to find out what the hell happened.

What the hell did she get?

That's what we're doing in there, ladies.

You're doing your hair, we're looking

at financial statements.

Am I gonna make it?

So she comes back to the table.

Or I come back, and she wants to dance.

She's like, I want to dance.

All right, it's the first date.

We do anything on the first date.

She could ask us anything, could you kill somebody for me?

Sure, why not?

We got to act like we could do anything.

She's like, let's go dance, I said, sure I dance.

Let's go, of course.

Now, she's in her 20s, I'm in my 30s.

Women in their 20s dance a lot different than men

in their 30s, yeah.

That's a lot of bending that goes on.

You got to be flexible to get out there, guys.

'Cause she got out to the dance floor,

right away she started pulling this move down here.

Right?

Then she pulled a head whip.

I'm like, wow, I like this.

I want to participate.

But I don't know if I can get down that far.

So I start going down, I'm like, OK, I'm going down.

Right?

Then my legs start burning, I'm like...

Then all of a sudden, poof, aw!

I don't know what happened here.

A ligament, a muscle, something popped.

And I couldn't get back up.

It's that dating, we got to act like we can do stuff.

But if you're in a relationship, stay in one,

because single life ain't much better.

Yeah, what do we got to do?

We got to go to a club, nightclub?

Oh, yeah, first of all, guys go to a club.

We're like a platoon of guys, thinking we're gonna get in.

Go with 15 guys to a hot nightclub, with the bouncer

outside with the clipboard.

And we send a negotiator up to the front to negotiate

the deal while we wait in the parking lot.

And he always comes back, we're like, what's up, man?

We gettin' in, what's going on, what's the deal?

He's like, all right, this is The deal.

I've worked out something real nice.

Everybody's got to buck up $250.

No cover.

So you go into these nightclubs, lot of classy women

at the Nightclubs, huh, guys?

Oh, yeah, oh, of course.

Yeah, you could pick a wife out of there, huh?

They don't know what the hell they're wearing.

You go to these nightclubs, they're walking around

with the half-top on.

Yeah, with the wrong half hanging out.

Do a sit-up.

People are eating, tuck it in.

Yeah, have a little class.

Wrap the gift.

We don't need to see it all.

Come out with the jeans half falling off,

you seen this, the hip hugger pants?

They cut the waist right off the pants, they're falling off.

That's not sexy.

I could see your asshole.

They got the sayings on their shirt.

Do me.

Porn star.

Slut.

And they won't even talk to you.

What the hell did you come out here for?

You got Got Cock question mark on your shirt.

Now you're not talking?

You pick up morals between the house and the club?

What happened?

And there's no men left either.

What happened, guys, to macho guys, real men?

It's embarrassing, isn't it?

Go look at these bars. see what they're ordering to drink.

Apple martinis?

Yeah, you're 35 years old.

You're walking around with a green drink?

Little apple floating on top?

You go get a Budweiser or something

that tastes like gasoline, right?

Be a man.

Same guy walking around with flip-flop sandals, what's this?

You seen some of these guys' feet?

You ever see the guy with the finger foot?

You ever seen this guy walking around?

Toes so long he's got knuckles on 'em?

Like he could pick up an orange and then throw it at you?

You got a hand on your foot.

You ever see this ash look here on the heel?

Where we going with this?

You want to take a pumice rock To that, maybe?

File that down, you got a cinder block on your foot.

Sock it.

It's the same guy at Starbucks Making up his own drink.

You ever get behind this guy?

Gets excited it's his turn?

Made up a little drink in his head?

He's like, yeah, I'll have a soy, vanilla chip, gingerbread

spiced, mocha, hazelnut frappuccino please?

What?

You get a black coffee and you go to work.

Frappuccino?

Then he's got the nerve, could you put a pillow

of whipped cream on there, please?

Put a dome on it, dome it?

Dome it?

And they got their own language at Starbucks.

This guy picked up his drink, and this is what

he told the staff.

Thanks a latte.

This is today's man.

This is what you're looking at, ladies, I blame the women.

This guy, always dating a beautiful-looking woman.

What are you thinking?

This guy's gonna stick up for you?

This is your rock?

This is who you're turning to For protection?

You're walking home one night,

A mugger comes out of the bush, what's Trevor gonna do?

With his flip-flops on,

sipping On his frap?

He can't even throw hot coffee at the guy.

He's gonna throw a little malt at him. Get away from!

Stand back, honey, I got this.

I will sandal slap you, get away from us.

Good night, St. Louis, my name is Sebastian.

You guys have been fantastic.

Thank you so much.

Thank you all.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

You guys have been great.

Thank you.

Have a wonderful, wonderful night.

Take care of yourselves.

Take care.