Original subtitles

[dramatic electronic tones]

[cat meows]

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

[anxious violin, piano music]

[Radio DJ] Happy Fourth of July

to everybody out in the beautiful US of A tonight.

How about some tunes for those barbecues?

All right.

Oh yeah, I'm having the best Fourth of July ever.

Driving through these dark ass woods all alone.

It's cool, it's fine, it's great.

Fucking kill me.

[patriotic trumpet music]

[engine sputters]

No fucking way.

No fucking way.

Shit.

[fireworks booming]

I didn't think I'd be able to hear

fireworks from all the way out here.

[head thuds] [Jennifer growls]

Fucking bullshit.

[foliage rustling]

Look, whoever's out there, this isn't funny, okay?

I'm lost and out of my element and I get scared easily.

I'm trying to find my friends,

my friends that are Navy SEALs.

They have trained experience

with kahrv magah or however the fuck you say it

and they're expecting me,

so don't try any shit.

'Cause they're gonna find me.

Pull it together, Jennifer.

[Jennifer screams]

[zombie growls, hisses]

[patriotic trumpet music]

No!

No, no, no FUCK

No, no, no, no, oh my god! FUCK!

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

The party.

Everyone's waiting.

I don't think I'm gonna make it

to the party.

[Radio DJ] Here's another classic American jam for you.

[tense electronic tones]

[patriotic trumpet, violin music]

Happy Fourth of July, mother fuckers.

Too Cold.

[Nate panting]

[Mary] Marcus, it's too cold in here.

[Marcus] Okay, it's cold in here

but it's like 100 degrees outside.

Would you guys rather freeze to death or burn to death?

[Mary] If I say burn to death, will you turn the AC down?

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

[tires screeching]

Whoa, shoot, I think the car's stuck.

Okay, can we at least get some fresh air?

I already feel the sweat coming on.

- Ooh. - Get away from me.

All right, I should probably go check the tire.

Oh my gosh, did you see this photo Nate just posted?

Yeah, "Guns out, fun's out."

He's such an idiot.

Hey, come on now, he's your brother.

Half-brother, he's your boyfriend.

I thought you were doing better?

Yeah, I mean it's not bad, it's just not-

- Great, I think the tires are stuck on both sides.

Let me check the tail light.

The tail light?

Look, I shouldn't have said anything.

Nate promised me that he was gonna behave tonight.

So we're just gonna have fun.

Right Angela, fun?

Look at the comments on Nate's picture.

People are even stupider than-

- I thought we agreed no phones on this trip?

- No, we didn't. - No.

- We didn't? - No.

Oh god, well then who did I make that agreement with?

I don't know.

That's weird.

Okay anyways, listen,

let me check under the car.

Okay, so what's the plan?

A couple of drinks or college drunk?

Ooh, college drunk.

[Angela] All right.

All right.

All right chitters, enough chatting or whatever.

Let's give this thing a shot.

I'm gonna go ahead and step on the gas here.

Angela, you use your little hand and go

from blue to red on the AC thing there or whatever.

Mary-

- Okay, why don't I just get out

and push while you rev the gas?

I hadn't thought of that.

See, that's why they pay you the big bucks.

I know.

Up, up and away.

Down, down, down, shit.

Putting all the meats, all the meats

into the freezer for my friends.

[freezer hums]

Good job, Nate.

Ow, damn, that smarts.

[mysterious chiming]

Well now,

this party just went from 10 to 1776.

[ominous violin tones]

Spooky.

Marcus.

This place is a lot creepier than I remember.

What's so creepy about it out here?

Is it the fact that we're two miles

away from the closest neighbor?

Or what about the fact that the only road

in and out is a winding gravelly nightmare?

Or is it that redneck gas station

attendant that told us not to come out here?

- Or is it the- - Hey, uh, Marcus?

Why do you have a small arsenal in the back of your car?

Oh, Nate wanted me to bring some fireworks.

Aren't fireworks illegal out here?

Yeah, because they're super dangerous.

Yeah.

Illegal, dangerous.

What about dope as fuck?

[mid tempo dance music]

Okay, fine.

I'll only bring the ones with labels written in English.

Buzzkill.

[mid tempo electronic music]

Hello?

Yo.

One if by land, two if by sea.

You fuckers are here to party with me.

I didn't even hear you guys come in.

You could be getting murdered up here,

I'd never know the difference.

[Angela] I guess it's good that we weren't then.

[Nate and Mary] Babe.

Stop, stop, stop, the sun's still up.

Hey listen, so I brought that sexy Uncle Sam costume.

[Mary] Oh my god, seriously, you brought that with you?

[Nate] What? It's gonna be so hot.

You're gonna be hot, babe, you are so hot.

[Mary] Oh my god, stop it, you're being gross.

I'm not doing that shit while Ange and everybody are here.

[Nate] Oh come on, it's the Fourth of July.

It only comes around once a year, please, please?

- No. - I want you.

We're not doing the sexy Uncle Sam again, okay?

- It's weird that you like that. - Hey Nate.

Hey Nate, you have any where I can plug in my air purifier?

I have allergies, you know.

Yeah bro, plug it into that power strip over there.

- All right. - Yeah.

Knucks.

Careful of the beer.

Hey Mary, you want to give me a hand outside real quick?

Yeah, sure.

Nate, I understand what you've done with the place.

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks, thanks.

Yeah.

- Red, white. - Blue.

- Blue. - Yeah, it's fitting.

Yeah, I thought so, I thought so.

Hey, I got the food for you, by the way.

I tried to get the stuff that your mom used to make for us.

[Angela] Yeah, it's an honest effort.

Well hey, thanks for coming back.

Yeah, of course.

No, I wouldn't want to miss it.

Cool, good.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

And thank you too, by the way.

Oh, for what?

For thanking me.

- Right. - Yeah.

- Yeah, don't mention it. - Cool.

Hey Nate, what happened to all your tires?

- They're like shredded. - Oh yeah.

That winding gravelly nightmare road really tore 'em up.

It's definitely worse since last time.

How are you gonna get home?

That sounds like a problem for future Nate.

That's right, oh, coming in hot.

- Look at that, it's a snail. - That's cool.

You pussies gotta catch up.

Hey babe, did you invite that girl, what's her nuts?

Juanita, Jamilla?

Jennifer?

Arguably the most common name in America.

She picked up a shift at work.

She'll be here after she gets off.

Oh, that's awesome, I didn't think she was gonna make it.

Oh fuck yes, Jennifer's the best.

I know, right? She's hilarious.

That bit that she does when

she acts like a cowboy and she's like "Yippie-ki-yay!"

"I've got a boot in my snake," or whatever.

Yeah, oh Jennifer.

She's always the life of the party.

Yeah.

Hey Nate, what kind of beer is this?

This is American Bohemian,

the official beer of patriotism.

That's weird, the first ingredient listed is Americana.

I mean, I guess that's more

of an idea than a tangible ingredient.

Oh yeah, well you're just mad because it's not

your bullshit pretentious hipster single malt home-brewed

hamster-picked apple ginger kombucha buttplug NPR beer.

Okay guys, we're here to have

a good time just like we used to.

Yeah, a good time.

Remember Spring Break four years ago?

- Mm hmm. - Yeah,

and Summer Break four years ago.

And Winter Break four years ago.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- And then- - All right, yeah, we get it.

We had a good time four years ago.

Yeah, I just,

I just want to have a good time, woo.

Oh yeah, that's the spirit.

Well, Evan is gonna be here soon.

Shut up, Evan's coming?

He didn't respond to my text-vitation.

Well, he texted me.

What?

I guess you guys just drifted apart.

Yeah, drifted apart? Bullshit.

Beta Beta Betas never drift apart from your Beta bro

'cause Beta bros have the best bonds, baby.

Babe, why don't you help me take my bags upstairs, okay?

Yeah okay, sure.

Yeah.

[Marcus] Oh Nate, those are my bags.

I'm trying, okay?

You saw me trying, right?

Ah.

Let me get you a towel, Jesus.

Why?

[relaxed guitar music]

[up tempo ensemble guitar music]

Ooh.

Oh yeah.

It's party time.

I just think that if every other country in the world

was a person, that America would be this jacked up cage

fighter who can kick any other country's ass in a fight.

Listen Nate, I appreciate your insight.

I really do but have you taken into consideration

the countries who've existed far longer than the US?

You don't really have to.

I'm talking about the countries who've experienced

worse hardships because arguably those countries would

be more hardened and thus, more powerful in a fight.

Just throw the damn ball.

All right.

Over here, Ange.

Celeb shot.

Oh yeah.

Bullshit, that doesn't count.

[girls cheering]

That's what I'm talking about.

Nah, bullshit, bullshit, that doesn't count.

[Evan knocks]

[Angela] Hey.

Hello there.

Bonjour.

Salaam.

Mary, Mary, Marky Mark.

- Evan. - What's up, guys?

I'm so much stronger now.

Yeah.

Jeez, what's up with that?

Hey, what's up Ev?

Hey Nate, it's good so see you, man.

- Yep. - Come here, dude.

Beta bros.

Yeah come on, Beta bros.

- I'm not gonna do it. - Do it, Beta bros!

Come on dude, Beta bros

or bust.

- Yeah, dude. - That was fun times, man.

For sure.

Well hey, I'll get you a beer.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Thank you.

Where's Jennifer?

Oh, she's coming in a couple hours, she picked up a shift.

Oh good, I can't wait to see her.

I mean, no offense to you guys.

She's kinda the life of the party.

Oh man, I couldn't agree with you more, Evan.

Definitely.

We suck compared to Jennifer.

What's that bit she always does?

- Oh, like the cowboy? - Cowboy, yeah, yeah.

"Yippee-ki-yai."

"Ooh, get a dog, girl"

"Ooh, I've got a boot in my snake" or whatever.

- What's that? - What?

There, right behind your ear?

What?

What?

Yes.

Now, let's party like it's 1776!

Let's do it.

[alternative rock music]

Hey Ange, remember when I said

we should get college drunk?

Vaguely.

Do you two know how many times

I could have busted you for drinking in your dorm?

Oh what? Yeah right.

Like you would have busted us.

You were drunker than we were half the time.

Yeah, and you thought we were too cute to bust.

- Oh yeah? - Yeah.

- Oh yeah? - Yes.

- Yeah, is that what it is? - Stop, I'm so ticklish.

Whatever you say, you fucking lamppost.

- [Angela giggling] - I'm so ticklish, stop.

Stop.

Okay, you pussies [hiccup] ready for a drinking game?

I see you two, let's go.

♪ Drinking game, drinking game ♪

Yep.

Hey,

Nate,

why don't we take it a little easy on the drinking?

Come on Evan, you used to love binge drinking?

Why don't you come sit down and drink some water with me?

Here we go.

Oh I'm sorry Ange, what was that?

[Evan] Listen, man.

Pardon me Evan,

I'm just having a conversation with my sister real quick.

All right, half-sister.

Look, I'm just saying,

I think you had a little too much tonight.

Look, you will tell me

[beer can clatters]

when I've had too much.

I just did.

Wait a minute.

Come on, man, we all want to have a good Fourth but

we don't have to give ourselves fucking alcohol poisoning.

Shut up.

Don't tell me how to celebrate America's birthday.

I am a patriot.

You didn't even vote in the last election.

[Nate] Okay, I forgot when the election was.

You had an election day party.

[Nate] That's highly unlikely.

You made up a hashtag for it.

"Hashtag Nate Harmon's election day party BYOB

show up at 4:00 one guest only please."

Okay Nate, I just think you're being-

- What, oh, you think?

That seems to be the only thing you can do, Angela.

You kinda just think.

Do you think that our forefathers thought

whenever they were founding our great country?

[Angela] What? Yeah, I think they did.

Oh, wrong.

George Washington didn't think whenever

he had to fight off the British and Abe Lincoln

didn't think whenever he had to fight the South

and Andrew Jackson didn't think whenever he had to fight

to be on the $20 bill.

Bro, do you even know who Andrew Jackson was?

Nate, will you just listen to me?

You're being insane right now.

Angela, can you just meet me in the middle?

God, you've been shitting on me ever since you got here.

First it's the beer, then it's the dirt on the walls.

Then it's "Oh no Nate, I fell in the toilet.

Can you please keep the seat down?"

Okay, well this is my cabin too.

Oh, this land is your land?

No, this land is my land and I really think

you're kinda ruining everybody's good time.

I'm ruining everyone's good time?

You're so unpredictable, we're all on babysitting duty

making sure you don't blow your foot off

with a firework or drink yourself blind.

Angela, you know how important this day is.

Oh, how important this day is to little Nathan.

Yeah, I know, we all fucking know.

It's so important because you get

to show everyone out patriotic you are.

Okay.

All right.

You're right, you're right.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I have a deeper understanding

of this great country of ours than you do.

You know what, and I'm sorry that I love America so much.

You don't love America, you jackass.

You just love being American because

you think it makes you better than everyone else.

Wow, that's just really good Ange, really good.

I think you probably just figured me out, huh?

Yeah and you know, dad would be

really disappointed in how you're acting right now.

Did I win?

[fireworks booming]

Whoa, I didn't think we'd be able

to hear fireworks from all the way out here.

Nathan, you did not go through dad's stuff.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident,

that all men are created equal.

That they are endowed by their Creator

with certain unalienable rights, that among those are life,

liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Okay, cool, are you really gonna

sit here and read me the fucking US Constitution?

Ha, nope, it's the Declaration of Independence.

Mark one point for Nathan.

- Okay, you know what I meant. - Oh, did I?

Did I know what you meant?

[anxious violin music]

Damn, this thing's pretty long.

Uh-huh, here we go.

"We therefore, the Representatives of the

United States of America in General Congress assembled,

appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world

for the rectitude of our intentions, do in the name and by

authority of the good people of these colonies solemnly

publish and declare for the support of this Declaration

and a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence.

We mutually pledge to each other our lives,

our fortunes and our sacred honor."

Right there, right fucking there,

George fucking Washington signed it.

That's not George Washington.

That's John Hancock, dumbass.

Oh look, there's George himself.

There, now he fucking did.

[Nate humming drunkenly]

Get the fuck away from me.

What in the United States of fuck is your problem?

Oh my god Ange, are you okay?

[Angela grunts]

Oh my god Ange, are you okay?

Are you okay, are you all right?

[ominous tones]

[eerie whispers]

I hate you, I wish you were dead.

Hey Angela, this beer wasn't cheap.

Yes it was.

Here, how much was it?

Five bucks, huh, was it five bucks?

Is this is what you want?

Here.

Yeah.

You know, actually, oh look,

it's your good buddy, Andrew Jackson.

I don't need this.

What I need is an ice cold American margarita.

Okay.

[electric crackling]

Jesus Christ.

What the fuck was that?

I thought you said you were gonna behave tonight?

What was un-behaving about what I did?

You owe your sister an apology.

Half-sister and I don't owe her anything.

I can do what I want, it's a free countr...

If you say it's a free country, I swear to God,

I'm breaking up with you and hooking up with Marcus.

Apologize to her and then go get the fucking power back on.

Babe, the breaker is all the way downstairs

and Angela is all the way upstairs.

What can I do for you on this floor?

In the dark while I'm still pissed off, nothing.

You guys are such-

- If you say pussies, I swear to God,

I'm breaking up with you and fucking Marcus.

Calm down, you talking tree.

Let's go, guess this is a job for present Nate.

We'll be back, so try not to take

Angela's side over mine while we're gone.

Nate, you're really making me-

- [Nate] Oh, I'm so sorry, I can't hear you.

I'm already in the basement.

- So are we gonna have some- - Marcus, no.

Jesus, is it tomorrow yet?

[dramatic electronic tone]

What the fuck is all this shit?

He couldn't put it in his own room?

I can't believe he did that in front of you guys.

He's such a fucking dick.

Yeah, I know, you're right.

And I know Nate, I know he's gonna try

to get back at me for ruining his pathetic little night

and Mary and Marcus didn't say shit.

They never defend me because he's the fun party guy.

- Well, it's not funny anymore. - Ange, Ange.

- We're not 20. - Ange.

He hung a fucking American flag in my room.

Here, let me give you a shoulder massage,

kinda my trademark.

Evan, I'm not really in the mood for,

it's your trademark?

I'm known far and wide for my massages.

Oh Evan.

I don't think this is good timing, you know?

Because I just was fighting with Nate and-

- Come on, think about how pissed Nate would be.

Yeah, that would really piss-

- Pisses me off, the fact that she actually

thinks she's so much smarter than me

when spoiler alert, she's actually not.

Really?

Hey, but didn't she graduate like something cum latte.

Look, any asshole can make good grades

but I've got smarts where it counts, ow.

Hey, I know what you mean, gamer.

You see, people think I'm dumb 'cause I'm blond but,

well actually I'm dirty blond, so joke's on them, right?

Exactly, you know, people underestimate us, Marcus.

But I bet a zombie apocalypse scenario,

I'd be the one that survives.

- Ooh, beaker box. - I don't know.

You see, I think Evan would make it pretty far.

[Marcus sneezes]

Oh god, my allergies.

[Nate and Marcus laughing]

What the hell?

Hello Jennifer, hey.

I haven't heard from you yet and it's kinda freaking me out.

So could you just please give me

a call back when you get this?

[anxious electronic music]

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Nate, can you just please hurry up?

I don't like being in the dark.

Come on, Jennifer.

[cell phone rings] Oh, thank God.

Jennifer, Jesus, you scared me, I didn't even hear you.

Jen?

[Zombie growls]

Holy fucking-

- Shit.

Oh my-

- God [screams].

What the-

- Fuck, I'm sorry, they're making a lot of noise downstairs.

Is it okay if I?

Yeah, hey, let me play some music.

- Can I use your phone? - Yeah.

[blaring guitar, piano music]

- It's a little loud. - I know, sexy right?

Oh yeah, ahh

AHHHHH

Choo!

- You okay, bro? - Yeah.

I have allergies.

[Mary screaming]

Is that Mary screaming up there?

Yeah, she probably just wants to get a rise out of me.

It's gonna take a lot of

Sexy Uncle Sam for me to forgive you, babe.

Hey, can you swing that flashlight over here?

Yeah.

[tense electronic music]

♪ Bum ba da da da ♪

[breakers clicking in rhythm]

♪ Bum ba da da da ♪

♪ Bum ba da ♪

[Mary screaming]

I think we should do something.

Fine but if she's fucking with us,

you're sleeping outside.

- Oh boy, camping. - [Mary] No, no, no.

All right Mary, you've made your point.

No, no.

[Mary screams]

Get down.

What's going on, man?

Who is that guy?

Holy shit, that's George Washington.

Holy shit, that's George Washington.

That's not George Washington, man.

That's probably just some drunk homeless guy

who stumbled in here wearing George Washington's costume

and started violently attacking your girlfriend with an ax.

[Mary screams]

I'm not worried about it.

I've seen her kick bigger ass-clown's asses than this clown.

[Washington growls]

Yep, I told you.

He's even wearing zombie makeup.

This guy's clearly trying to fuck with us.

What a total loser.

[metallic clattering]

[Washington growls]

Holy George Washington's ghost,

it's George Washington's zombie.

It looks like his corpse has been like reanimated.

No, he's been

re-elected.

[tense electronic tones]

Nate, you should do something.

What am I supposed to do?

He's the first President of the United States of America.

He's not the President, man, he's a monster.

He's gonna hurt Mary.

[Mary screams]

You know, I'm gonna bow out of this one.

- Leave it to you, good buddy - Oh no.

I actually haven't had much to eat today.

My blood sugar's real low.

You had 15 empanadas earlier.

That's bad sugar, I need good sugar.

Like Splenda or something?

No, Splenda's actually a lot

worse for you than regular sugar.

- You don't say? - Oh no, I do, you see...

[tense electronic music]

[Washington groans]

[Mary whimpering]

[Washington growls]

Goddammit, fuck.

Stupid ass fucking woods.

Fuck.

Shit.

Dammit.

Fuck.

Shit.

Oh my god.

[Mary screams] [Glass Shatters]

[Washington growls]

Fuck. Goddammit [screaming].

[car horn blares]

[Engine sputters]

Did she get it?

How the fuck am I supposed to know?

I was back here hiding with you, fucking human windmill.

Oh right, hey, I have feelings.

Oh.

Hey, I'm sorry man.

It's all right, man.

Oh man.

She destroyed a whole case of beer.

That's 11 bucks down the drain.

It's okay, I stashed a few house beers around just in case.

[Mary panting]

Jesus Mary, what happened?

- Are you okay? - Did you kill the zombie?

Was it epic?

[Mary retches]

[Mary] Trash can.

Oh no, no, Marcus.

Here, here.

[Mary retching, coughing]

Hey babe, why don't you lie down?

[door rattling]

[Mary screaming]

What's going on?

Mary, are you okay?

George Washington was just here.

No, I wasn't talking to you.

Mary, oh my god, what did you guys do to her?

She just fought a zombie.

All right, you've all had your fun.

Can you just please turn the lights back on

so we can try and enjoy the rest of our night?

Seriously, zombie George Washington was just here.

Yeah, Mary chased him off into the woods.

- It was kind of scary. - It was gross.

- It was pretty cool too. - Yeah, Mary and the zombie.

Yeah, she's a real badass.

Oh my god, shut the fuck up, okay?

What, so you're trying to tell me that

the corpse of the first President of the United States

came back to life, dragged itself out

of the ground and then broke into our cabin?

Right.

And then Mary fought it and chased it into the woods?

Correct.

And so the zombie is supposed to be some sort

of lesson about what it means to truly be a patriot?

I mean, it wouldn't be the worst thing to happen.

Shut the fuck up, okay? It's not funny.

God, Mary, you're so much better than this.

Why are you playing along?

We were attacked.

I know that sounds crazy but that thing wasn't human.

Whoever attacked you was probably

homeless or on drugs, sick or something, okay?

There has to be some sort of rational explanation.

What's irrational about zombies?

We gotta go somewhere when we die.

We're not talking about zombies.

Well, I'm talking about zombies.

Yeah, he's been talking about zombies all night.

That's what I'm saying, you're just being paranoid.

We were attacked.

So let's call the cops.

Cops can't do anything about that monster.

Ange, it killed Jennifer, I saw

her body.

Oh my god, her body, where's her body?

Mar,

I'm sure she's okay, okay?

You're just shaken up, it's okay.

How about this?

We'll go outside and look for the creep that attacked you.

You guys stay back and call the police.

There's a bunch of us and what, one old dude?

[Angela] I think that's a great idea.

Cool, Angela and I will go into the woods.

You guys stay back and wait for the cops.

Whoa, whoa, whoa there, lover boy.

Are you trying to say that I can't protect my baby sister

and my crying girlfriend and my tall buddy, Marcus?

No, I'm not saying that at all.

But I'm definitely thinking it now, so thank you.

I could protect everyone in circles around you, jerk-off.

Marcus, you take care of Mary.

Yeah, I think splitting up is definitely the way to go.

No wait, guys, guys, please don't leave me.

No Mar, we won't leave you, don't worry.

Don't worry babe, I'll never leave you

- aside from right now. - What?

But I will be here the whole time.

[dramatic violin, rock music]

Pretend I'm this eagle protecting America

and pretend you're America in this scenario.

What?

Let's go impeach that mother fucker.

What?

Impeach.

You know, like kick his ass but

he's the first President of the United States, so impeach.

I thought it sounded kinda badass.

It didn't.

It kinda did.

No, you can't just add the word

mother fucker to things and expect it to sound badass.

Shut up.

Let's go into those woods.

Let's get out of these woods.

Oh no, Nate's scared, we better turn around.

I'm not scared.

[Angela] Yes you are.

Why is that so hard for you to admit?

Ang, I'm starting to think we should head back.

See, Evan's scared too.

Yeah, but I haven't been crying for the last half hour.

I was not crying.

I told you I think there are onions growing in these woods.

Shh, I think I heard something.

Yeah, I'm sure you did, we're in the fucking woods.

Yo, Ange.

No, you know what?

We've been pointing our flashlights

at trees for the last hour.

You got me, okay?

I know that this is some sort of elaborate joke,

kind of like the Electoral College.

Come on, I thought you'd like that one.

What is it?

Zombie.

And let me guess, this one's Abraham Lincoln, right?

Beard, top hat and all?

And he's coming up right behind me.

He has a knife or an ax or something

and he's gonna say something really stupid

and obvious like "Four score and seven years ago."

Four

score.

Oh my god.

No way.

Four

score.

No way, that's Abraham Lincoln.

And that's...

[Growls]

I don't know who that is.

- That's Andrew Jackson. - Who?

- The guy on the 20. - Oh, I love him.

This doesn't make any sense.

It all has a logic to it

if you just

understand.

Four score,

four score,

four score,

four score.

What are you doing?

Sorry bro, catch up.

[tense up tempo drumbeat]

Mr. President, sir, let's settle this

in a sophisticated, dignified, patriotic manner?

[Jackson growls]

[gunshot booms]

Now Andy, Andy, that wasn't cool.

Come on, you were always my favorite President.

President?

Right.

The leader of the free world, Commander-in-Chief.

Mm-mm-

Mander Chief?

Exactly.

Hello Nathaniel, yes it's me,

your favorite President, Andrew Jackson,

the man that's on the $20 bill.

I need you.

Come on Andy, let's settle this diplomatically.

[Jackson growls]

[Nate whimpers]

[anxious electronic music]

We need to go back for him.

We need to go back for him now.

- We do not. - Now, yes we do.

We need to stay here for the night.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I'm trying to protect us.

- He's dead weight. - He's my brother.

Half-brother.

You said you wished he was dead.

This isn't about me, okay?

You never liked Nate.

I'm not about to let him get us killed.

Nate and I used to play

in this barn together when we were little.

No, no, Angela.

We don't have time for this.

From the second I got here tonight,

you've been saying how much you hate Nate.

I know you feel some sort of obligation

to him but he would have done exactly

the same thing to us if he had had the chance.

How can you say that?

I can say that because I know who Nate is

and deep down, you know who he is too.

This situation really sucks, it does

but I can protect you, we can survive together.

I don't need you to protect me.

Fine, you can protect me.

Semantics, whatever.

Angela,

please trust me.

[relaxed piano music]

♪ Sweet ♪

Okay,

I trust you.

♪ Girl ♪

[Knife swooshes]

[Lincoln cackling]

[Angela screams]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Angela, it's just me, it's just me.

Chill out, chill out.

- Oh gross, is that blood? - Evan.

- What? - Evan.

I just watched him die.

Oh my god, oh my god, hey, hey, come here.

- Oh my god. - I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, I didn't want to leave you.

No.

Hey, let's just say, uh, don't worry about it, okay?

- Okay. - All right?

Hey, come on, let's get to the cabin, yeah?

- Okay. - Okay.

Wait, what happened to Jackson?

Let's just say we won't have to worry about him.

[Jackson growls]

I thought you said we don't have to worry about Jackson.

I said "Lets say we wouldn't have to worry about Jackson."

I don't know, it seemed like the right thing to say.

[anxious mid tempo drumbeat]

Okay, what now?

I think we're lost.

You'd better be joking.

No, I really don't know where the cabin is.

Well, it should just be over there.

Well, it should be but, wait, hold on one second.

Okay yeah, here we go.

So if trees grow towards the north

and moss grows fat on the rolling stone,

then the cabin should be...

Ow.

- Let me look at it. - No stop, get off.

This is my replacement phone.

It's very susceptible to being broken by rocks.

[phone buzzes]

[Both] Mary.

- Let me talk to her. - No, let me talk to her.

- She's my girlfriend. - No, she's my best friend.

- I've known her longer. - I've known her longer.

- Have you kissed her? - Yes.

- What? - What?

- Nate, are you there? - Ow.

Ange, oh my god, are you okay?

Nate,

Ange?

Hello?

[static crackling, automated message blaring]

Marcus.

I think it got Nate and Ange.

What about Evan?

I tried calling but it went straight to voicemail.

Oh Evan, that's who I made

the no phones on this trip agreement with.

Marcus, it could just be us out here now.

Dammit, Nate thought he'd be the last

one alive during a zombie apocalypse scenario.

He's gonna be so disappointed.

- Oh my god. - Hey.

Hey, stop all that, come on.

It's gonna be okay.

- Oh my god. - It's gonna be all right.

[Mary weeps] Hey, hey.

[door bangs] [Mary gasps]

Marcus.

Maybe we should call the police.

Yeah right, the police, let's call the police.

What's the number for the police?

Seriously?

I'm just kidding, I'm not that fucking stupid.

Oh my god.

1-800-Police...

It's 911 Marcus, 911.

Right, right.

[Operator] 911, what's your emergency?

Hi, well, we, I-

- [Operator] Hello, sir?

Zombies, there's zombies here, you gotta save us.

[Operator] Sir, this line is for emergencies only.

This is an emergency.

We're at a cabin in the woods off I-15.

[imitating zombie moans]

Oh my god, they're gonna get her.

Oh no, please don't get me.

Oh, they're getting her.

Oh my god,

they're dismembering her body right in front of me.

Oh no, I don't want to die, Marcus.

I won't let you die, baby, it's gonna be okay.

Oh my god.

[imitates zombie munching]

Jesus Christ, they ate her, they just fuckin' ate her.

[Operator] Sir, sir, you do realize it's

a Federal offense to prank call emergency services, right?

Well,

well yeah, thanks, bye.

[anxious electronic music]

There, they should be here in no time.

Oh my god.

What?

- Oh my god. - Hey, come on, take it easy.

Hey, listen, we'll get the power back on,

get the AC blowing, microwave us some taquitos.

Maybe get some sexy music going on.

The AC.

Marcus,

the AC, it was blowing in your car

and it seemed to hurt Washington.

Maybe we'll be safe in your car and we can make a getaway.

Yeah, great, let's get in my car.

Wait, it died when I was out there before.

What about Nate's car?

The tires are shredded.

What about Evan's?

I think he took the keys with him.

Can you hot-wire it?

What do I look like, Hotty McWire?

What?

It's fine, we'll pop open the hood

of my car and get that bad boy going in no time.

I've seen a car two before.

But what about Washington?

[dramatic violin music] [fireworks whistling]

I think I've got an idea.

I want you

to stay away from us and to not eat us.

Marcus, this is the dumbest idea you've ever come up with.

Join the Army.

You can keep that stupid costume, by the way.

Okay.

I think it should work.

Here, start the car.

[anxious violin music]

[zombie snarls]

Marcus?

Save yourself.

Remember me.

Marcus, Marcus.

As a hero, not a coward.

Dammit.

Bury me on Halloween.

I want my funeral to be extra spooky.

[violent goring of Marcus]

Oh, Marcus.

Oh shit.

[Mary screams]

Chill out, asshole.

Not so cool,

is it?

We'll have a great Fourth of July, he said.

It'll be fun, he said.

What the fuck.

This is what I get for dating a white guy.

Who's next, Andrew Jackson?

[Mary screams]

What the... Angela, you almost broke my phone.

I told you it's very susceptible to being broken by rocks.

Oh man.

Well if you would've given me the GPS 10 minutes ago,

then we wouldn't have been in this situation.

Now we're even more lost

and we need to get back to the cabin.

Okay, yes, I agree but I don't know where the cabin is.

This is so fucking typical, Nate.

You raise an army of the living dead but your pride

and stupidity are still the biggest threats to our safety.

I raised an army of the living dead?

How sure are we that this isn't your fault?

My fault?

This all seems like America trying to teach you a lesson.

What lesson, don't get killed by zombies?

That's a great lesson.

If you'd only shown this much

initiative when dad got sick.

Oh, come on.

You didn't ask for my help, so I didn't offer it.

Well, I shouldn't have had to ask, he was our father.

I honored him in my own way.

You got drunk and broke into a baseball stadium.

It's what he would have wanted.

[zombie laughing]

Okay, I'm not sure what that is but I think we should,

yeah.

[tense violin music]

Come on Nate, let's go.

Wait a sec, I had a lot of beers and chalupas tonight.

[Nate Burps]

No seriously, look, the cabin's right there, come on.

[Jackson growling]

'Mander Chief.

This is all my fault.

Now's not the best time, Nathan.

Everyone else is dead and it's all my fault.

You don't know that, okay?

The car's gone, maybe Mary and Marcus went to go get help.

They'll never make it outta here and neither will we.

I killed Mary,

I killed Marcus,

I killed us.

If you feel so fucking bad, come and help me.

That can't be good.

Nate, come on, we gotta get out of here, come on.

What's the use? I'm no good.

I couldn't be there for dad when he needed me.

I couldn't protect Mary from the killer zombies.

I can't protect you.

I don't need you to protect me.

Right now, you need me to protect you.

Whatever has happened between us

in the past few years, it's behind us now, okay?

It doesn't matter.

I need you to get off your ass and come with me, okay?

We should stick together.

Okay.

A house divided-

- Against itself cannot stand.

Yes.

Come on.

You quoted Lincoln.

I win.

[door clatters] [Jackson growls]

[tense ensemble music]

[Nate grunts]

[Nate choking]

Nate, run.

My compatriot.

Brother.

Please

save your strength.

Enjoy the sweet warmth of the land of the living.

Washington

looks

human.

Hush, my friend.

Soon enough, you shall too.

Then

when we have our army,

nothing can stop us.

This land

belongs to us.

Are you ready to take it back?

[Washington and Lincoln cackling maniacally]

Nate, your tapping your foot is freaking me out, okay?

Help me board up a window or something.

Angela, I want to talk to you about something

and just a warning, it's going to be controversial.

Everything you say is controversial, Nate.

I don't think I can fight off these zombies.

Yeah, I know you can't.

You're not very coordinated.

I mean I don't think I can bring myself to do it.

What's that supposed to mean?

Look, if this were a legion of the undead

and they were a bunch of anonymous Joe Schmoes,

I would have no problem killing them.

But these, they're former Presidents of the United States.

Nate, I'm running out of rousing speeches here.

No Ange, you don't get it.

Washington, Lincoln.

They are America.

I mean shit, Andrew Jackson is on the $20 bill.

Is that literally the only thing

you know about Andrew Jackson?

- I know he was a President. - Yeah, which one?

What number?

I want to say higher than three but less than 50.

He was the seventh and he was a piece of shit.

You can't say that about a President.

Have you heard of the Trail of Tears?

That was Jackson.

No, I haven't heard of that and it

doesn't matter what he did, he was still the President.

Okay, enough Nate.

I'm clearly not gonna change your mind

but we have to do something, like get the power back on.

I'm sorry, Ange, but I really want to stay here.

Please stay here with me.

We can sit and talk, reconnect.

Look, I was wrong.

Okay?

We don't need each other and at this point,

I either have to leave you

or die with you.

You know why the Fourth of July is so important to me?

'Cause that's the last time I saw dad before he died.

It was the last time the three of us were all together.

That's why I wanted tonight to be so perfect.

You're all I have left, Ange.

You're my sister.

Half-sister.

[breakers clicking]

[electric crackling]

[footsteps]

[Jackson growls]

[Jackson cackles]

[Angela groans]

[Jackson snarls]

[thudding, squelching]

[Jackson gurgles]

What?

[Father] "From the desk of Professor

J. Walter Harmon to my colleagues.

Please know that if you're reading this,

it is too late for me.

Each day, I grow weaker and increasingly paranoid

of the possibility of my research into the supernatural

falling into the wrong hands.

Dad.

[Father] I believe that these documents which I have

gathered were created by ancient evil spirits made

to look like significant historical documents.

These papers function as a gateway

for the evil spirits to enter our world,

possess the dead and wreak havoc among the living.

If any of them are recited-"

The Declaration.

[Father] "Under the right ritualistic circumstances,

they theoretically hold the power to raise

with soulless purpose an army of the undead."

None of this makes any sense.

[Father] "None of this seems to make any sense to me

as an academic, but it all has a logic to it

if you just understand."

Well, shit.

[Father] "If anything is to happen to me,

these documents must be destroyed.

The evil within them is too powerful to go unchecked.

As I feel myself succumbing to my illness more and more,

I leave these instructions.

In the unfortunate event that these

evil spirits should somehow be awoken,

one must recreate the conditions under

which they were summoned in order to banish them forever."

Well, that was extremely helpful and incredibly specific.

[Father] "This may be the last

correspondence I make with the world of the living.

I just pray that the world knows growth,

strength and tolerance and I hope my children find peace."

Damn, thanks dad.

[low, tense drumbeat]

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

"We therefore, the Representatives of the

United States of America in General Congress assembled."

Fuck.

Shit.

Oh fuck, beer, oh shit.

Americana, I mean it's more of an idea than a tangible,

oh fuck, oh fuck.

[Jackson growling]

Get off, get off, let go.

What do you want from me?

The documents.

♪ Oh beautiful America ♪

♪ From sea to shiny sea ♪

[Angela screams]

[Angela] Get your fucking hands off me.

Oh fuck.

Shit.

What the fuck, somebody help me!

Somebody help me, somebody fucking help me!

Nate, help me.

Oh my god.

All right, all right.

[Nate humming nervously]

Breathe. Breathe.

Breathe.

Okay.

They've got Angela,

that is a bummer.

It really is.

But it shows that I was right.

I was right for staying in here.

That counts for something, right?

[wooden clattering]

They're in the house.

Shit.

[anxious ensemble piano music]

I have to do something.

After all,

she's my sister.

I'm coming, Ange.

It's hero time.

[dramatic violin, rock music]

Let impeachment proceedings

proceed.

It's not here.

Where is it?

I told you,

those are the only documents that I know about.

The Declaration,

where did you put it?

I don't know anything about any Declaration.

- She lies. - Why are you doing this?

This goes against everything that

the Founding Fathers are supposed to stand for.

We must destroy the Declaration.

Then we will be unstoppable.

America is sick,

you disrespect the flag,

you disrespect each other, you disrespect your leaders.

This land needs resurrection.

The dead shall rule the living in a new era

of American history.

Why don't you just kill me?

We wouldn't kill you.

You and your brother instituted the ritual.

We wouldn't be here without you.

So what, are you gonna use us to bring back slavery?

Slavery went away?

Enough of this.

"We the people of the United-"

That's not gonna work.

Why?

Oh, because we don't have Americana.

We

are

Americana.

[tense ensemble music]

"We the people of the United States,

in order to form a more perfect Union."

There's nothing perfect about this Union,

mother fuckers.

[dramatic violin, rock music]

[chainsaw revs]

I forgot to put gas in that.

[cat screeches]

No shells in that.

Nobody move, I'm gonna be right back.

"In order to form a more perfect Union."

Happy Independence Day, mother...

FUCK

Go get it.

Nate, don't let him get the Declaration.

[muffled shouting]

Get fucked, Abe.

[Jackson growls]

[tense electronic music]

[Nate groans]

That smarts.

Stay back, stay back, Mr. Presidents.

[tense drumbeat]

[Angela screams]

[Jackson and Washington cackling]

[Nate weeping]

[fireworks booming]

Bet you didn't think you'd be able

to hear fireworks all the way out here, mother fuckers.

Ah, hell fucking yeah, babe.

That one's for Harriet.

[tense violin, electronic music]

I believe you have something that belongs to me.

And I believe you have something

that belongs to the American people.

[dramatic rock tones]

[anxious violin music]

Goddammit.

Show's over.

[dramatic operatic music]

Ange, oh my god, you're okay, oh my god, oh my god.

Come on, we gotta read the Declaration again.

It's the only way to send those zombies back to hell.

What?

None of this makes any sense.

Oh, it all has a logic to it,

if you just understand.

What?

[Mary gasps]

Did somebody order a Declaration of Independence?

Nate, you got it.

Thank me later.

- Hey babe. - What?

Thanks for coming back for me.

Oh Nate,

I think we should see other people.

What?

[Mary gurgles, gasps]

Thank you.

I was looking for this.

I cannot tell a lie.

This is gonna hurt.

Hey Washington,

Washington, look behind you.

The British are coming.

I'm not turning around.

No seriously, there's like 50 of 'em.

Yeah, and it looks like one of 'em's kissing your wife.

Martha?

[tense electronic music]

Nate, Nate.

Sorry babe,

ex-babe,

Mary.

Yep.

Holy shit, you saw that, right?

Ew, ew, ew.

"We therefore, the Representatives of the

United States of America in General Congress assembled,"

- fuck. - Nothing is happening.

Americana.

What?

This is gonna sound so fucking stupid

but the key to all of this is the beer.

Shit, I drank the last two before I came out here.

Damn you, past Nate.

We just need more Americana.

[patriotic trumpet music]

[Nate and Angela] "We therefore,

the Representatives of the United States

of America in General Congress assembled,

appealing to the Supreme Judge

of the world for the rectitude of our intentions do in the

name and by authority of the good people of these colonies

solemnly publish and declare that for the support of this

Declaration with a firm reliance on the protection

of divine Providence, we mutually pledge-"

God damn America.

[Angela and Nate] "We mutually pledge to each other

our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor."

You can't kill me, I am America.

No Mr. President, you're not America anymore.

No, no!

Looks like we're the ones getting re-elected,

mother fuckers.

Not gonna lie, that was pretty fuckin' cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was.

[Nate and Angela laughing]

I mean, you...

Oh my.

Did my leg come off?

[dramatic electronic tone]

[Nate screams]

[Nate wailing]

Am I gonna die?

No, you're not gonna die, it's okay.

I've never met someone with just one leg.

Do you need two legs to live?

No, hey bud, it's okay, don't worry.

Don't worry, I'm here for you.

- Don't worry, okay? - Yeah?

[relaxed piano music]

We're kinda like a team now, huh?

Yeah, we work pretty well together.

I couldn't have worked together without you.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt this family moment,

it seems really nice.

Our ambulance is stuck

on the gravelly, winding nightmare road.

Do you think you could walk...?

Uh... yeah, we'll get you in there.

We'll get you in there in just a sec.

We wanted to tell you that this ride is gonna cost

$9,283.

No, he has insurance, so it should be covered.

According to this, it's not.

Are you fucking serious?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't do well with bad news.

I don't like delivering it

but there is more bad news.

It looks like your insurance

isn't gonna cover the reattachment of your leg.

What?

Yeah, it only covers limbs

that become missing in the hospital.

Is that supposed to be some kind of joke?

What kind of a fucked up policy is that?

I mean, that's insane.

We got some good news.

We got some good news for you.

Anything, man, please.

Yeah.

They're putting on another fireworks show tonight

and I think you're gonna be just in time to see it.

Are you f-

[ominous ensemble music]

[dramatic operatic music]

[relaxed synthesized guitar music]

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

[mid tempo drumbeat]

♪ I'm feeling kinda sick ♪ here like a dog in a pit ♪

♪ My head is feeling heavier ♪ than I'd like to admit ♪

♪ So when you come around, ♪ don't be calling my name ♪

♪ I've got another bullet ♪ that has got your name on it ♪

[mid tempo ensemble synthesized music]

♪ Now we're on the run ♪ taking it to the streets ♪

♪ What's it even matter ♪ if I can't even see ♪

♪ Bleeding out my eyes ♪ because you took them away ♪

♪ Don't say nothing 'cause you ♪ can't even speak, okay, go ♪

♪ walk away, walk away ♪

♪ walk away, walk away ♪

♪ It's on at dawn ♪

♪ It's on at dawn ♪

♪ We don't wanna hurt nobody, ♪ we don't wanna hurt nobody ♪

♪ We don't wanna hurt nobody, ♪ we don't wanna hurt nobody ♪

♪ We don't wanna hurt nobody, ♪ we don't wanna hurt nobody ♪

[upbeat electronic music]

[dramatic electronic tones]

[cat meows]