Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Once upon a time, on a beautiful country day,

the birds weren't singing, the fish weren't jumping,

and there was not a hopping rabbit to be found,

for everyone was gathered to celebrate two very special people

at what can only be described as a storybook wedding.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

Well, that was dumb.

Hello.

Hi.

Hello.

Welcome, friends.

We are gathered here today to join Bea and Thomas in holy matrimony.

You're taking this so well.

He's a good man. Makes her happy.

And also a special day for their family, the beloved rabbits.

Your former enemy is here to stay.

We found common ground.

He's about to be our guardian.

Nah, this is just a little something between them.

The old you would have gone bonkers-berserk by now.

- I've changed, cousin. - ...welcoming a new parent.

A loaded hand grenade, just waiting to explode.

- Not anymore. - A father, if you will.

Father?

Father.

You're not my father!

You'll never be my father!

And everyone can see your underpants!

Peter. Peter.

Peter.

- Peter, the ring. - Wha...?

Right, right.

Where'd I put...? Did I...?

Was it...? No, was it...?

Hang on. I had it in the...

It's always in the last place you look.

You only have two pockets.

You may now kiss the groom.

What?

Bye!

Bye!

- Bye. - We'll miss you.

So Bea and Mr. McGregor were married,

and off they went on their honeymoon.

Things couldn't have been more peaceful in Windermere

until, sometime later...

You just take this out.

You see?

Now you try.

Dad, it's Peter Rabbit from the book.

I hate that I'm the face of this.

But every story can only have one good guy, so...

Peter doesn't have a dad.

He got put in a pie. That's why he's so naughty.

What?

There's Flopsy, Mopsy and Cotton-Tail.

- I'm Flopsy. - And I'm Mopsy.

And I'm the hero. But I'm not naughty.

- Did this kid even read the book? - Did you read the book?

I am so busy.

I'm saving it for summer.

Are you the author?

I'm still getting used to people calling me that.

It's really the rabbits' story. I just wrote it down.

This is my husband. He's our publisher.

I wouldn't say "publisher."

I just...

I just do the typesetting,

turned our dining room into a printing workshop,

created the artisanal lithography with a five-colour palette for the illustrations,

apart from the ones of the garden,

- which call for more green. I like... - Don't reveal all your secrets, darling.

It's wonderful. You paint the rabbits with such love.

Well, it comes naturally. It's our family.

Thanks for your contribution. It goes directly to preserving their land.

Thank you.

- Bye. - Bye.

Afternoon! Congratulations, you two.

- Thanks, Moira. - Oh, the mail.

Choose to see who gets it.

Chest. Toe. Chest.

Ears. Tail.

Yes!

How does he always win?

Because he invented the game.

- Peter? Is that you? - Johnny?

What are you doing out of London?

We're just up here doing some cheese tasting.

- Heard about the wedding. Any babies yet? - It's only been a month.

The wife and I have had 15 kids in that time.

This is the first day away from them, and, oh, the peace and quiet.

I'd be lying to you if I said we didn't miss them terribly

and they're all we talk about.

Aw, cute.

But there's no babies. We're their family.

Until you're not.

Congratulations on the book, by the way.

My kids absolutely loved it.

Oh, it's not about me.

It's just great that kids get to read about positive role models like me.

Peter!

Oh, dear. My cheese.

Well, good luck.

I'm sure it was just an accident.

It's not an accident.

It's what he does.

He never behaves.

He loves you. Don't listen to him.

He doesn't listen to me. That's the problem.

Not in front of him, okay?

He can't understand me. Can he?

No, but still, just...

So, if he can't understand me,

then why can't I say whatever it is that I want to say?

Say something nice. Apologise. Say something nice to him. Now! Go! Say it!

- I'm terribly sorry. - Out loud!

I'm sorry, Peter. I love you, in the way that an adult human loves a...

- An animal rabbit. - Thank you.

You handled that very well, Peter.

Contrite, apologetic and even a little bit remorseful.

I'm sorry. What?

I put these in for when I'm feeling misunderstood.

Oh, come on, Peter. Sometimes you have to face the music.

And these are for when I'm feeling ganged up on.

You always take things one step too far.

I'm sorry. What?

What's this?

Basil-Jones Publishing.

We carried a whole section of their books at Harrods.

It was the last display I arranged before I resigned.

You mean, fired and physically removed from the store.

"Potayto," "potahto."

It's from Nigel Basil-Jones himself.

He wants to publish my book.

No.

Get it in every bookstore, promote it, put it in different languages.

That's incredible.

Bea, you've done it. This is it. It's happening!

Promise me something. When this book is a huge success, you'll keep me humble.

The book is about all of us.

Thank you. You're already doing it.

Dink!

Why do you always copy everything I do?

Fine. I'll do something different.

Sorry.

- Anyone hungry? - Yeah, starving.

Leave it with me.

Okay, take one bite and pass it around.

I'm just going to wait until we get home, where the food isn't decomposing.

- Yeah. - Yeah, me too.

Well, la-di-da.

I didn't realise I was with a bunch of sophisticates.

- Let's go get some dinner. - Yeah!

And there they go.

Right through the opening where there once was a gate.

Good for them.

Do they do any of the planting and weeding and watering?

- No, they don't. But they were here first. - Exactly.

And you still have your tomatoes.

My tomatoes.

I would never have thought a city man would like to garden that much.

I even heard he wants to try and sell them at market.

It's too moist. I'll get the hair dryer.

It's about time he had a hobby.

I hope he's as successful at his as I am at mine.

And what is that?

Passing judgement.

What is going on with her hair?

Wait! You don't have to try to eat me anymore.

Remember? You're welcome to all of this.

Right, right, right. Still getting used to that.

I have so much energy.

I think it's this new plant-based diet and that I don't have to chase you anymore.

I'm just like...

Have you tried jogging?

What's jogging?

It's running without a terrified animal in front of you.

- Think that'll work? - I'm desperately hoping so.

There you go, sweeties.

Hey.

I can't believe this might turn into something.

I'll get it!

It might be the publisher!

Peter, you know not to touch this stuff.

Honestly, my kids will be so much better behaved.

Hello?

Miss you, Dad.

No one gets me the way you did.

Bea, Bea, it is. It's the publisher.

Hello.

Yes, this is she.

No! Tommy!

Those are Mr. McGregor's.

But you used to steal from him all the time.

We share the garden now.

Oh, because he married the lady, you do what he says now?

No, not because of that.

Well, kind of because of that. It's...

Look, just don't touch the tomatoes, badger.

Oh, okay.

And?

I swear, if it wasn't for me...

Thank you. Oh, you're very... You're very kind.

The 11:15 train to Gloucester?

Yeah, we should be able to make that.

I knew it! I saw you!

Get out! Get out of my garden!

Oh, the rabbits would love to come. It'd be such a fun adventure.

I knew you wouldn't change.

- You're the same naughty rabbit... - Thanks. Bye.

...you've always been!

Just leave my tomatoes alone! You have everything else!

See? I've told him a million times.

- He doesn't listen to me. - Go easy on him.

He's getting used to the idea that you're here to stay.

Yeah. You can use your front legs too.

Oh, right, right, right.

- Is this all for us? - That's what the ticket said.

Only the best for the next big thing.

What do we have here?

"Enjoy the journey. It's just the beginning."

A bit presumptuous, isn't it?

"Forgive me for being presumptuous."

He's good.

As someone who's been on a train before, a few pointers.

Don't stare at the scenery rushing by.

Look at a fixed point on the horizon and just lock your eyes onto that.

You okay?

When you're on a train, the best thing is to look

at a fixed point on the horizon.

Oh, no.

Magic, magic, magic.

Magic!

Oh, no. Cotton-Tail just discovered sugar.

Hey, we had a good run.

"Lavatory."

I'm gonna live forever!

Told you!

Thank you.

Do you know what happens after you eat too much sugar?

That.

Come on, sweeties.

Please come in.

There they are.

- Hello. - Bea.

You're even lovelier than I imagined.

- Thomas. - Hello.

- Handsome devil. - Well...

I'm sure I'm one of many beating down your door,

- begging to publish your next book. - Yes, well, so many.

In fact, we don't have a door anymore. It's been beaten right off its hinges.

And the stars themselves, with Peter, the ringleader.

Always out front.

Sweet.

I'm not your leader. I'm not always out front.

Look, you come here. Benjamin, swing out a little.

Mops, back it up to your right. Flopsy, you come this way.

Benjamin, Mops, split the difference. There you go. You'll slot here.

I'll go here, and...

If you'll allow me to gush, the book is absolutely exquisite.

A triumph.

I'll allow you.

"What greater gift than the love of a rabbit."

- Charles Dickens. - Yes.

Well, he said "a cat." You obviously knew that.

Of course. I love Dickens.

- Know every word he's written. - You do?

- No, you don't. - I do.

I don't think so.

Strong.

- Yeah. - You box?

Yeah, no, I... Yeah, I do. I do box.

- You do? - Yep.

- No, you don't. - Yes, I do.

- When? - I flop the heavy ropes.

I move the heavy metal bars. I've got those big balls of sand.

I do push-ups outside in the thing with my shirt off.

And I also like protein ointments.

- Well, we should get in the ring sometime. - Yeah. That's not a problem.

- Now, I'd like to walk you... - Sorry.

...through our strategy.

Carlos, some water for our rabbits.

Bea, sit right here.

Sparkling and still.

- Thomas, right here. - Fancy.

It's like drinking sand.

I like it. It's delicious.

- You're just saying that to be different. - Am not.

Drink some more, then.

It's amazing.

So we want to start by printing 5000 copies

of your book.

- Five thousand? - I assume you want to write a second one?

I hadn't really thought about it, but...

I don't know, I guess I do have a brief framework

for a 23-book series

featuring 109 characters based on the animals in my life,

creating an interwoven narrative about morality, nature and family,

set in the fields and towns around our farm.

Fantastic.

Fantastic. Fantastic.

Because it's in your next book that we see huge potential.

- Fantastic. - Fantastic.

- Fantastic. - Fantastic.

I don't trust this guy.

We've done some research on your book.

Now, people liked the story and the setting,

but what they really loved were the rabbits.

So, in the second book, we want to emphasise their individuality.

"Benjamin, the wise one."

"Cotton-Tail, the firecracker."

This guy is good.

"Flopsy and Mopsy, the dynamic duo."

- Why are we always treated...? - As a unit?

- But we do... - Look good.

- And then, finally, Peter. - What?

I get one? This is crazy.

We have two options for him.

I get two?

"The mischief maker." Or...

"The bad seed."

Nope. And he was doing so well too.

That one. That's the one. You've nailed it.

- What? - It's our favourite too.

- Really speaks to his character. - No, it doesn't.

"The bad seed" seems harsh, don't you think?

Well, he is a bit of a brat, really.

Even according to your own book,

he nearly broke you two up and destroyed his own family.

He's a little mischievous, but he doesn't mean anything by it.

- Exactly. Thank you. - I did catch him yesterday

trying to steal one of my tomatoes.

No, no, no. I was actually making sure that no one stole your tomatoes.

- I also imagine his voice to be annoying. - What?!

My voice isn't annoying, right?

I have something to show you.

Here's how much we want to do this with you.

Oh, my goodness.

My ears are gigantic.

Peter really looks like a villain.

- Every story needs one. - I'm not a villain.

That's not an accurate reflection of any of us.

It's like I'm looking in a mirror.

- I love it. - What?

I think it's terrific.

Oh, it's incredible.

It must be so precious to see your family up there.

It's my dream come true.

They look amazing!

Oh, come on.

I walk alone, I walk alone

Of course you'd be singing that song.

I can sing something else if you like.

Suit yourself.

Sometimes I wish

Someone out there will find me

Till then I walk alone

What you looking at, son?

Never seen anyone steal something before?

You some kind of goody-goody?

I'm no goody-goody.

In fact, apparently, I'm bad.

Yeah, I've made some mistakes,

which is what I thought kids are supposed to do, right?

Learn, grow, evolve.

But I guess, for this rabbit, the die is cast.

And you know what? I don't care anymore.

Oh, good for you, son.

But if I can just suggest one thing,

next time you meet a grizzled old thief on the street,

maybe don't open up so much.

- Sorry. - No, I like it.

It's just, out here, not everyone's as emotionally evolved as I am.

Name's Barnabas. Nice to meet you.

- Peter. - Take a peach.

You said you weren't a goody-goody.

No. I'm no goody-goody.

I'm a baddy-baddy.

Oh, no.

- Come on. - I've had it with you rats!

- I hate when they call us rodents. - Come back here!

Also when they try and hit us with a broom.

- That is not what a broom is for! - Get out of my shop!

Oh, I've had it with you rats!

You owe me a peach, son.

Lucky I had this safe house nearby.

- Where you from? - None of your business, old man.

What?

Well, you told me not to open up.

Now you're learning, but, also, I am genuinely curious.

I'm from the country, on a farm, near a pond.

Really? Where'd you get that jacket?

It looks just like one my old friend used to have.

It was my dad's.

We got to go.

You okay, son?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Did you just wink at me?

Sorry.

No, no, the only other rabbit I knew who could wink

was my friend from the country, and he lived next to a pond.

Wait a minute. That farmer, his name isn't McGregor, is it?

- Yeah. - Are you Peter Rabbit?

- Yeah. - I can't believe it.

My old friend, I think he was your dad.

They're in the recycling bin!

- What do we do? - We have some fun.

There you are!

How is this fun?

Because they actually believe they have a chance.

Okay.

Should this be in paper or plastic?

No one really knows.

Got you!

What do we do now?

- You're right! That was fun. - Yeah.

And there's a lot more of that around every corner.

We've got you!

Now, come on.

Get in there, rabbit.

Who are these people? Where are they taking us?

Stay calm, son.

I won't let anything happen to you.

And here.

And there.

Here.

And that's a fingerprint.

I just need to say something.

My book is very personal to me, and I don't want it to be compromised.

I'd be spinning in my grave if it was ever adapted

into some sassy hip-fest, purely for commercial gain,

probably by an American.

I give you my word that I will be your ferocious guardian,

a fortress between your art

and all who wish to boorishly capitalize on it.

Let's do it.

I'm telling you, this guy's garbage.

Of course, making it more contemporary

would increase the readership and benefit your land preservation fund

by, say, putting the rabbits in high-tops and T-shirts?

But you're a purist.

I respect that.

Sir, Marvin Stuart's outside for you.

Ah, Marvin.

One of our authors.

Marvin Stuart.

Hi, Marvin. I'll be right down.

We bought him that car when his book hit number one.

Marvin made a picture book about butterflies.

Gorgeous, elegant.

You could hang it in a museum. Sold 250 copies.

I made a small suggestion.

Sold 15 million copies.

That's more than Dickens.

- Where's Peter? - Yeah, I'm starting to get worried.

This is not like him.

The last time I saw him, we were staring at the billboard.

Ah, the billboard.

But seriously, where is Peter?

You got two this time. Nice one.

Well, I don't know why I'm here.

I want that one.

He's just like Peter from that book Nana gave me.

They want to go together. Can I get this one too, Mum, please?

They look like father and son.

More like "before" and "after."

They're so filthy.

All right, then. Go on.

Honestly, I don't know how you like those things. They're just vermin.

Liam, we've got two rabbits!

This next part might get a little bumpy, but it's actually quite fun.

Don't touch them until they've had their shots!

They probably have the plague.

I'm naming mine Monkey Boo-Boo Face.

Mine's Mrs. Cottage Cheese.

Aren't you a good rabbit?

Hello. Hello. Hello.

This is so humiliating.

Here, try this.

Much better. Thanks.

Let's go, kids! We're off to Grandma.

Won't they feel scared in the dark, Mum?

They're animals. They don't have feelings.

This is what it's like to be a pet?

The kids mean well, but that mum's a real monster.

What do we do now?

We go to work.

Jackpot.

Get a bag, son. They're always under the sink.

I'll just go ahead and use the handle.

Putting tomatoes in the fridge.

And they call us animals.

I get it.

You wanted to get caught.

You wanted to get taken to the pet shop.

You wanted to get adopted so you could take their food.

This is the McGregor's garden of the city.

It's how we survive out here.

Really? Are they all like this?

Nah. It's usually just takeout containers

and a bottle of champagne they're saving for a special occasion that will never come.

Oh, that's so sad.

Yeah, it's really sad.

Anyway, let's steal some more stuff, yeah?

Wait, we're stealing from kids?

Only the stuff they'll never eat.

Why do parents put it in there?

So teachers won't judge them.

Mighty nice haul, son.

How do we get it out of here?

Job's worth nothing without a good pickup crew.

Meet the crew. Samuel Whiskers, oldest thief in the city.

They ain't even his whiskers.

He stole them.

Tom Kitten.

He don't say much, but when he does, you're glad he don't say much.

Can we come in now? I'm freezing my catnip off.

And his sister, Mittens. The brains.

Always keeps us on track.

Enough with the introductions. Let's get on with it.

- Storage room? - Second door to the right.

- Coatroom? - Third door to the left.

- Bathroom? - I told you to go before you came.

- End of the hall. - Thank you.

So how do we get this stuff out of here?

Is this really gonna work?

A well-dressed man can get away with anything in this world.

And if he's got a baby with him, he can go anywhere.

Three weeks ago,

we rang the opening bell at the stock exchange.

Why did you want to do that?

Because we could.

Okay.

Howard, where have you been?

I need you to help me get rid of those filthy rabbits

before the children come home.

Have you gotten even shorter?

You little beasts!

- Come on. - Wait, what about all the food?

- We're just gonna leave it? - Better to live to see another day, kid.

I'm going to exterminate you little demons.

- See you. - Laters.

No, wait. I know how to deal with cranky humans who hate our guts.

You lead her to the kitchen. I'll take care of her.

You meet me back at the front door.

You can't hide from me, you disgusting bags of disease.

I'm gonna get you!

Run!

Hey!

Get back here!

I can't believe this is happening!

Need that altered, madam?

You were amazing, kid. How'd you know how to do all that?

It's a gift.

Terrible at foreign languages, great at cartoon violence.

Well, you did good, amigo.

- Sorry, I did good, a-what now? - This is the best take we've had

in a long time.

And we got Peter to thank for it.

He's the kid, the kid! Who's the kid? He's the kid.

Come here, you. Come here, you!

Hello. Knock, knock. Ding-dong.

Word on the street is, you had a nice little pickup.

- Get lost, Robinson. - Okeydokey. Will do.

Hope I don't blab to anyone about this though.

You know how I love to blab.

Take care of him, son.

Sure. What can I get you? We have cheese, apples, champagne.

- "Congratulating..." - No.

Take care of him.

What?

No, I was kidding, Barnabas.

I won't tell on you. I promise!

You got to make it tight.

The rabbit comes out of the hole,

- round the tree, back down the hole. - What are you doing? No, no.

No.

- Hang on. That hurt, mate. - Okay, son.

- Now take care of him. - No, no, no.

- Please stop. - No, I don't...

- He won't say anything. Right? - No, no, I won't say nothing.

I mean, I still feel bad about what I did to that mom.

Freezer door, champagne, hair dryer.

- I thought that was a bit cruel. - Are you part of the gang or not?

Well, yeah, I'd like to be, but I don't do this.

- Can't we just talk it out? - Please, please!

No, no! Please!

We're kidding!

We were all just playing with you. You should've seen your face, son.

No, I was kidding you, so...

You're the ones who should be wondering

whether there's a private space that you can go to,

to check whether you've wet yourselves.

We share with our friends.

Besides, it's gonna go bad before we can eat it all.

Pigs can fly!

Come on. Let's get some air.

Oh, they were special times.

Food enough for everyone, wide open spaces.

Until old McGregor came and put that wall up.

We all thought it was the end for us. But not your dad.

Now, the question is:

Was he stealing, or was he just taking what was already his?

Exactly. We were there first.

- It belonged... - He was stealing.

But he was keeping your bellies full the only way he could.

And he taught me everything I know.

Fancy a treat?

Wait here.

Coming at you!

Here you go, son.

Wow, that's so good. What is this?

It's a potato.

What?!

Let me ask you a question. Is my voice annoying?

Yeah, it's a bit polarising, but I like it.

I love this place. No one telling me I'm bad.

I really feel like I belong.

I wish I had 10 more just like you.

Then I could pull off the job me and your dad used to dream about.

- One that could feed us forever. - Peter!

Peter?

- Come on. - Peter!

Peter! There you are.

Oh, Peter. We've been looking all over for you.

Oh, thank goodness. Are you okay?

He's fine. We have to hurry to catch the last train.

Okay.

Peter, what happened to you?

We were starting to get worried.

I just went for a walk. Come on, let's go.

Is he all right?

Seems to be.

Yes! Yes.

What are you doing?

Doing some push-ups.

Oh, you just suddenly had the urge to work out, did you?

Just suddenly had the urge to read Dickens, did you?

You know he's my favourite author.

Name another book by Dickens.

Do another push-up.

Okay.

Oh, I'm stuck. I'm stuck.

Cock-a-doodle-do!

Wake up, kids! Wake up! We have a job to do!

- What? - Dad.

- Come on. - We're tired.

But we have to make the gigantic ball of fire rise into the sky

so the earth gets warm

and life as we know it can continue!

What?

- For real? - That's a lot of responsibility.

Cock-a-doodle-do!

Cock-a-doodle-do.

Now, feel free to peck around,

doing absolutely nothing for the next 24 hours.

Ready to tell me where you went off to yesterday?

- You had us all worried. - No need to worry, cousin.

I was meeting someone who may have changed my life.

You met a girl! Yes! Tell me everything.

What's her name? Mary? Scarlett? Josephine?

- Barnabas. - Terrific.

- No, he's an old friend of Dad's. - Wonderful.

No! He's a thief.

Peter, you do not have my blessing to kiss a thief.

Would you just let me tell you my story?

- Race you, Flopsy. - I am not Flopsy anymore.

I've changed my name to be even different-er than you.

From now on, I'm Lavatory.

- Lavatory? - Yes.

And I run on two legs now.

It's classier.

Think how much of this land we'll be able to preserve.

All the nature our children will be able to explore.

- Check it out, sisters. - Wait for me!

I never had a chance to do that.

Not much frolicking in the orphanage.

Which is why I also picture having some two-legged children

to frolic with.

Yeah, and they'd have that whole mountain if I painted the rabbits in high-tops.

And the whole valley if you put them in T-shirts and jeans.

Yeah. Can you imagine?

- What's going on with her? - Changed her name to "Bathroom."

Go on. Join them. Frolic.

- Really? - Yeah.

Like, lie down horizontally, extend my legs, tuck in my arms,

and roll down the hill safely and slowly?

- Yes, I could... - Perhaps it's not for you.

Let's go have a cup of tea.

What do you mean, it's not for me? It is for me.

- No? - It is most assuredly for me.

I can frolic. You don't think I can?

- I didn't say that. - Madam, watch this.

Imagine me, right, and our future children frolicking.

All right? Watch.

Hey. See? Look, I'm frolicking.

I'm speeding up a little. I'm speeding up quite a bit.

Help! Help!

And that's why adults shouldn't do kid stuff.

I've been stealing from this garden my whole life and I was told I was wrong.

But now with Barnabas, I know this is what I'm supposed to do.

I'm supposed to be bad.

This Barnabas sounds a bit dodgy.

No, he's not dodgy. He gets me, like Dad did.

- And unlike him. - Stay out of trouble.

See? He's had it out for me since the day he got here.

He didn't say that to you. It was to all of us.

I'm talking to you, Peter, specifically.

Stay out of trouble.

And, anyway, our days are numbered here. You heard him today.

As soon as they have a baby, we're done for.

Did you feel any less loved when the girls were born?

It's different now. All they think I am is naughty.

So I've embraced it.

Look, Barnabas has a big job that we can help with

and set us up for life without having to rely on them.

I don't know.

Come on, girls. We're going to Gloucester.

- Okay. Why not? - You're going to Gloucester?

I'm running there tomorrow for cardio day.

- Today's chest and arms. - Come on, fox, keep going!

You've got this.

My trainer.

Do I really need one? Probably not.

Would I work out as hard without one? Probably not.

I'm asking you, please, a little help

Tell me you'll be there When I need somebody else

How do you always know what's going on with me?

Just lucky, I guess.

I need help

I need help

I need help

I brought some more just like me.

Not all just like him. I have some reservations.

I need help

Well, look at you lot. You've gotten so big.

Last time I saw you, you were all babies.

Benjamin, Cotton-Tail, Flopsy, Mopsy.

- Yes! - Yes!

Well, it's "Lavatory" now, but formerly, yes.

We're here to help you on that big job you were talking about.

Oh, no, no. It's much too dangerous.

Okay, well, thanks for your time. Is there a taxi stand nearby?

No, trust me.

We used to steal from McGregor's garden all the time.

This is much more different.

I'll never forgive meself if anything happened to you.

No, we can do anything you need. Right?

If you need to get to a high place, we're your team.

If you need us to be sneaky, we can be invisible.

And if you need a distraction...

Down by the bay Where the watermelons grow

Back to my home, I dare not go

For if I do, my mother will say:

"Did you ever see a goose kissing a moose?"

Are these yours?

Down by the bay

And he's handy too.

Is there anything this man can't do?

It's just a quick fix.

Thomas, can I call the glass man now?

You've been at it for six hours.

Bea, Nigel Basil-Jones is here.

Mr. Basil-Jones, what a nice surprise.

There's my star.

- Is this a good time? - "It's the best of times.

It's the worst of times."

Dickens.

I couldn't wait to show you this.

Oh, my goodness.

- That's incredible. - Beautiful.

We've had a tremendous early response,

and interest in your next book is already through the roof.

It's extraordinary.

I have something for you too.

You can barely tell the difference.

- You did it. - It's brilliant.

Artistic, authentic, uncompromising.

- Where is that? - It's in our garden.

- A bit limited in scope, no? - It's where they live.

I'm just thinking, now that you've made changes,

you may want to expand it a bit, make it more fun, exotic.

Maybe put them on a beach, give them surfboards,

- those little baby guitars. - Ukuleles?

Yes! Great idea. You see?

You take my silly suggestions and make them so much better. Genius!

They don't play ukuleles though.

And they don't go to the beach. Right, Bea? I mean, they're rabbits.

Why can't they be rabbits on the beach? Or a boat?

- Or a spaceship? - A spaceship?

Readers just want to be transported, Thomas.

Dickens.

Now, listen up. This is a big job.

The biggest.

It's the kind of job that if we pull off,

we won't have to worry about feeding ourselves ever again.

But it comes with a fair bit of risk.

Once every so often, all the farmers in the valley gather together.

- Get out of here! - They're angry, nasty.

They want to get their food off the land just so we can't have it.

The sweetest corn, the crunchiest carrots,

the ripest radishes.

And they bring it all to one central location,

right here in the city,

where they guard it from dawn till dusk.

And that's where we're gonna hit.

Must be really hard to break in.

Not a gate or a door in sight. They wave you in with a smile.

- Come on in. - Everybody's welcome.

- Won't they hear us? - No.

There's a band playing wildly mediocre folk music.

What if some kids see us? Won't they try and adopt us again?

In this place, they just give you a little tickle.

And if you want an overpriced gift that'll never be used...

They sell lavender-scented bath bombs.

Ten pounds.

What is this magical place?

They call it the "farmers market."

Which Whiskers has meticulously recreated here in this map.

Okay, so the thimbles are fruits. Spindles are vegetables.

The pincushion represents the sun coverage

according to tomorrow's weather, which I recorded

over a series of six weekends,

not including last Saturday, which I deemed unseasonably cloudy.

- Whiskers, no one cares! - Oh, all right, fine!

I hope you guys aren't visual learners.

But the produce ain't what we're after.

Any chump with a stump can steal that.

What we want is far more valuable.

Deep in the middle of all this,

right across from the coconut water and two down from the wooden spoons,

are the crown jewels.

Our target: the dried fruit.

Dried fruit?

- Why would you want that? - Sounds gross.

Lasts forever, and it's one-eighth the size of a piece of fresh fruit.

But with the same nutritional value.

It's easy to transport and totally untraceable.

Try that.

That's so good.

It's no jelly bean.

Hey! We don't do that stuff here. Get me, kid? Junks up your noggin.

Problem is, the dried fruit is in the centre of the market,

surrounded by all the farmers.

And the worst thing about farmers, they stick together,

protect each other.

And they are an evil army evilly unified in evil.

But even if we take care of them,

we've got to get past the toughest one of all.

The dried fruit vendor herself,

Sara Nakamoto.

Never leaves her post, no matter what.

But Sara Nakamoto has one Achilles' heel.

And it's not her actual Achilles' heel.

Her proverbial Achilles' heel is the son of the cheesemonger

across the aisle, William Pemberly.

He's the only one who can get her attention.

So if we get to him, he'll distract her,

and the dried fruit will be ours.

How do we get it out of there?

Our old friend upstairs comes to market every week,

just before it closes.

He always buys two sausages. One for him and one for his late wife.

It's a real love story, actually.

They met as teenagers at a jazz hall.

She was a hat-check girl. He played the horn.

- But their parents didn't approve. - Whiskers!

Whiskers, stay focused.

Why doesn't anyone appreciate a good digression?

Know what they're gonna say at your funeral?

"Great lady. Always stayed on topic."

Anyway, we haul the loot into the tailor's truck,

and he drives it right back here for us, okay?

It all seems very complicated.

Which is why I said I wish I had 10 more like you.

- Do you have any friends back home? - Yes, we have lots of friends.

Can they be trusted?

There's a couple I wouldn't let house-sit.

It doesn't matter. Bring them all.

Come on, Felix, let's go.

Come on, Felix, let's go.

- Girls, go and get a flashlight. - Okay.

All right, everyone.

I think these are finally ready to sell at the farmers market.

I want honest opinions from everyone. Right?

Don't hold back. I need to know the truth, but...

only if it's good.

So really sock it to me.

But remember, I'm wildly insecure.

- You've put them on the beach. - I'm just expanding our world.

You've expanded it all the way to outer space.

- Nigel wants me to... - I know what Nigel wants. Is it...?

Is it what you want?

It feels like you're jamming in everything here in a way that...

Jam jars.

Pardon me?

For their space helmets. It's perfect.

Just shove it on. Little head, the ears down.

Show what it does to the face. It's perfect.

Nigel Basil-Jones.

Just because he's successful, intelligent, charismatic,

eyes you could lose an afternoon in...

He needs to hear from me.

You lot, stay out of trouble.

Although, I guess I don't need to say that because Peter's not here.

Where is Peter?

Once again, I find myself talking to rabbits.

Expecting a response, which...

No. It's not forthcoming. Okay.

Flashlight.

And for our British friends...

Torch.

Never gets old.

If we pull this off, we'll be on posters all over town.

Why are you up there, Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle?

Eye candy.

Cock-a-doodle...

Cock-a-doodle...

Oh, no.

I've lost my voice.

Wake up. Wake up.

We've got to make the giant ball of fire rise into the...

What?

How is this possible?

It was all a hoax to keep me from questioning my very existence.

My life's been one big lie!

Wait. But maybe this means I can fly.

Maybe I can fly!

No.

- Cock-a-doodle-doo! - Cock-a-doodle-doo!

As the new day dawned on the empty farm,

it wasn't just Peter and the others off on a journey of self-discovery.

Bea was also answering the knock of opportunity.

"Peter, Flopsy, Mopsy, Cotton-Tail, and Cousin Benjamin,

with help from the others, rebuilt the cottage,

and they all lived happily ever after."

You are a natural.

Come with me. I have something to show you.

I can't believe you're giving this to me!

I haven't even written a best seller yet.

That's how confident I am in the changes you're making to the new book.

Have you seen Marvin's latest?

- Is it good? - The critics have been mixed on it,

but it just hit number one in 23 countries,

including Germany, and they hate butterflies.

Find them too whimsical. I want you to meet the whole company.

Branding, merchandising, film.

We don't just think of this as a book anymore.

We think it's a phenomenon. We think you are a phenomenon.

A phenomenon, indeed.

But also a phenomenon with a husband who thought she might be travelling

down the wrong path.

So he went for his own meeting with the publisher

to do what he was sure was right for his wife.

Nigel!

- But without telling her, of course. - Thomas?

What a lovely surprise. Twice in one day.

I know what you're up to, okay?

And it is very clear to me that you are trying to impose your will on my wife.

- I wanted to tell you to your face... - I'm heading to the gym. You box?

Yeah. I told you I boxed, didn't I?

- Come with me. - The only thing is

that I haven't got my gear, so...

- Not to worry. We'll fix you up. Come. - Really? Okay. Yep.

Hey, Nigel.

Thank you again for the gear.

My niece was happy to lend it to you.

Listen, I need to talk to you about Bea.

You have her doubting her own ideas.

I want her to take on some of mine.

Yeah. I can't help but feel though that she's losing her way.

- No. - No?

Losing your way is when no one buys your book

because it's too niche.

You say "niche"? It's pronounced niche!

And losing your way is when you want to have children

but your wife is too busy painting pictures of rabbits going to space!

Space? Really? She's doing that?

Oh, Nigel. Nigel, I'm so sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

But if you're that selfish,

I don't know if you're cut out to be a father.

Why did you tell Nigel that I didn't want his ideas?

No, no, no, I was just saying,

I felt you were losing your voice and integrity.

- But, clearly, I had nothing to worry about. - You have no right to speak for me.

Nigel said he was going to reduce the run of the second book

- because it's too "niche"? - It's pronounced niche.

If you're a pretentious twit.

Like Nigel Basil-Jones?

- How many names does one man need? - Nigel's parents...

This went on for a while,

as most arguments between grown-ups do.

And they start to say things that have nothing to do

with what they're actually arguing about.

Brussels is the capital of Belgium.

Capitals have moved before, Bea. Capitals will move again.

Kyoto, Japan. 1869. Where are those moving trucks going?

Tokyo!

And often, the argument lasts a week

before they get to the heart of the matter.

But this is a storybook, so let's get right to it.

I'm finally getting some success, and I'm determined to hold on to it.

If you could please just support me instead of going behind my back, okay?

You're right.

I shouldn't have done that. But this isn't you, Bea.

You paint elegant stories of the rabbits and our home.

I'm painting our family. It's...

Just happens to be the best-selling version of our family.

Nigel knows what he's doing.

I love the new you.

I can do anything to you and you won't eat me. Flick.

Actually, today is my cheat day.

Help! Where is everybody?!

About to pull off the greatest farmers-market heist in history.

Also, the first.

But Peter's always been a trailblazer,

for better or worse.

This little piggy went to market.

For some lavender soap. I was told there was a lavender stand?

Peter, may I have a quick word?

- Are you sure about this? - Yeah.

I've never been more sure about anything in my life.

Trust me. I would never put you in danger.

Again. I promise.

Okay, I can't promise. We're gonna rob this place. Are you in or out?

It's time.

- You all know what to do. - Yes.

We steal the tailor's sausage and kiss Sara Nakamoto.

What? No.

We take out all the farmers so we can get to the dried fruit

and drag it back to the tailor's truck.

- Okay. - Wait a minute.

I smell a rat.

And I like it.

London Bridge is falling down Falling down, falling down

London Bridge is...

One of these?

I know. It's lovely, isn't it?

Two pounds, please.

Thanks.

Let's kick this off, son. For your dad.

- Have a lovely day. - Bye.

Magic beans.

I'm alive!

Stop, he's not a farmer.

Really? But he's dressed like one.

It's a style. Cultural appropriation.

Makes me sick.

There's a farmer.

How are you, sir?

Here you go. Super looking fennel. Enjoy it.

- Here you are. - Thanks very much.

What did Peter say?

The rabbit comes out of the hole,

goes round the tree

and back down the hole.

William!

Peter?

Come on.

Head to the petting zoo.

We can blend in with those weird animals that don't talk.

Let's go.

We'll take it from here.

In you hop.

- All right, closing time. - Sure.

- Oy, what's all this, then? - Where is everyone?

Wait.

- No! - Hey, Benjamin?

Wha...? What's going on?

Let them go! What are they doing?

Don't get yourself caught too, son.

But if you did, just be a bigger share for us, anyway, innit?

Peter!

Wait, wait! Peter!

Come on, let's go.

No, no, stop. No, no, no, wait. Stop, stop!

Wait!

You set us up.

We didn't not set you up, if you catch my smell.

Good one, sis.

You really thought we were gonna share all this with those yokels?

We just needed bodies.

Sweet, dumb, bumpkin bodies that will follow you anywhere.

Is this still part of the plan?

Did Peter do this?

He's not here, is he?

Maybe he really is a bad seed.

Dad was your best friend.

And my best friend is the Sugar Plum Fairy.

I'm kidding. She's very hard to get to know.

Closed off. She's Russian.

You never knew my dad.

Wouldn't be caught dead in some country garden.

Like he was.

Why did you do this?

No one wanted to adopt me anymore. I was too old.

I was being replaced.

Every kid in town wanted a young rabbit like the one in that book.

So I tracked you down.

I was just gonna use you as bait for a few fake-and-takes.

But then I saw how good you were

and I figured we could do something a lot bigger together.

You lied to me.

It's not hard to lie to someone who wants to believe.

But one thing is dead true.

We are a great team.

That's why you're in this truck with us instead of in a cage with them.

This is where you belong, Peter.

We're your family now.

No.

My family's in trouble and it's all my fault.

No!

Peter.

Where are the others?

What have you done?

Hey. I need all the addresses of the people who took those animals.

We prefer "adopted those animals."

And that information's private. Against the law to give it out.

Go, Peter!

Right. Here we go.

"Almond milk, cashew cheese, walnut butter." This is not the list.

The man clearly likes to get his protein from nuts.

That is everything I have.

"Manchester, London, Inverness, the Alps." They're everywhere.

Do you see the mess you've made? You're never going to learn.

Because you never give me a chance. All you do is tell me how bad I am.

Well, then stop giving me reasons to.

Wait, did you just talk?

No. Yes. Maybe.

Could be your imagination. Could be the radio.

This is BBC 7 playing all of the hits with none of the talk,

especially not Peter because rabbits can't talk.

Oh, look, the fuel gauge is empty.

I know I'm not perfect.

But I can't do anything right by you.

No matter what I do, you always assume the worst.

Well, you got your entire family taken, Peter.

If that's not the worst, what is?

- Why are you even helping me? - I don't know.

I just saw you and the others were in trouble and I came.

It's not a choice.

I don't think I'm actually propelling this thing in any real way.

I'm sorry I wrecked your tomatoes. That wasn't supposed to happen.

Then what was supposed to happen?

I met someone who made me feel like not everything I did was wrong,

who actually accepted me.

But it was all a lie.

He just used me. I'm so stupid.

You're not stupid.

You're young.

So you make mistakes.

A lot of mistakes.

It's the one thing I'm really good at.

I know I'm too hard on you sometimes.

I lost my father when I was very young too, so I never really learned how to be one.

To me?

Yeah. To you.

And to the others.

That's why I'm here, I suppose.

It's what a dad does.

- I didn't think I'd ever have a dad again. - I didn't realise I already was one.

You're not the bad seed, Peter.

- I shouldn't have let them call you that. - And I shouldn't have believed it.

I know now that no one can tell me who I am.

I think there's someone we both love who needs to hear that too.

About me talking, it's probably your imagination.

And you might also want to imagine that your truck isn't rolling down the hill.

No!

Stop the truck! Please stop the truck! No! No!

No! No!

Oh, no!

No!

No! No!

No, no.

No!

So, what do you think, Bea?

Pretty original.

And that's just one idea

the team came up with for a possible movie version.

They don't really look or act like my rabbits though.

We couldn't be more excited, Bea.

Your latest changes have brought us almost to the finish line.

- Yes, yes. - So close.

But I do think some of your pages are missing.

The end is just the rabbits drinking tea and apologising to each other.

Oh, no, that's right. That's how they act. They learn from their mistakes.

I think what we're trying to say is, the ending is really important.

It's the only thing readers remember.

Okay, well, what about if one of them goes into the village

to get a birthday present?

- And gets kidnapped. - Yes!

They should all get kidnapped.

There can be a rescue mission, exotic locations all over the country,

even outside the country.

And you can have chases on many different types of vehicles,

like race cars.

- Boats, motorcycles, planes. - That they can jump out of.

Then they can team together to get revenge on a gang of bad guys.

And then they ride off into the sunset.

But the sky should be pink.

Because that's the colour of hope and the future.

Now, if the ending is as action-packed as we all agreed it should be...

I don't know if we all agreed.

Bea!

I'm so sorry to interrupt.

Thomas!

- So good to see you. - Nigel.

And you brought Peter. Terrific.

Now we can show everyone what Peter would look like in zero gravity.

Mopsy! Cotton-Tail! Let's get back to the rocket ship.

Nigel, stop it!

- What? - Goodness me.

Come here. Are you okay, sweetie?

- Bea, the other rabbits were taken. - What?

And the pig and the duck and the hedgehog, and is there a badger?

- Yeah, I need your car to go and get them. - My goodness.

How did this happen? What have I done?

You've written 80 percent of a best seller.

Just get some more rabbits.

You can get a million more with the money you're about to make.

No. I'm very sorry, but I can't do this.

- This isn't my world. - Not your world?

Look around you.

You created all this.

This is your world.

There's no boat chases or skiing in my world.

And there's certainly no rabbits jumping out of planes.

Bea.

What are you doing?

Do you know how much I've put into this? How much you have put into this?

- I guess... - Don't look in his beautiful eyes.

I need to go and get my family, Nigel. Goodbye.

Your books will never go anywhere without me.

This is the last the world will ever hear about Peter Rabbit.

I'll take my chances.

Come on, Peter.

Goodbye, Nigel.

Oh, we're making a terrible mistake.

- What can we do to make...? - Thomas!

Okay, where are we on Winnie the Pooh?

- Okay, where's the first stop? - 440 Riverside Drive.

- Did you just talk? - Let's say it was just the radio.

This is BBC 7 playing all the hits with none of the...

So away they went to retrieve the rest of their family.

- There we are. - The first was easy.

- Okay, number two. - Here we go.

The next was a little pricklier.

But the rest were much trickier.

Hello. There's been a misunderstanding in regards to the custody of that rabbit.

I promised the missus stew.

So they set off on a rescue mission,

the likes of which Bea insisted never happened in her world.

Benjamin, I'm really sorry. Listen, I never should have...

Not now, Peter. Get me out of here!

Yep.

They're the rabbits from that book.

Benjamin, I'm really sorry. Listen...

- Not now either. - Right. Right.

No!

We're too late! We're too...

- Felix is gone! - Get up.

Come on, let's go. Quick. Quick.

- Let's go. Let's go. - Hey.

Brake lights.

Oh, thank goodness.

But could you come back in 25 minutes? This is doing wonders for my skin.

Hey!

Hey, that's my pig!

And that's why I'm on the billboard.

"Lavatory"? That's what it means?

The place where men read the newspaper?

Yeah. You don't have to change your name.

There's no one in the world I'd rather be confused with than you, Flops.

Same here, Mops.

With everyone safely reunited,

they headed back to Gloucester for one final rescue,

which Peter knew to be the most dangerous of all.

I underestimated you, son.

This whole time, I thought I was the one playing you.

Looks like I was the one being played.

Where's the rest of it?

Same place this is going.

With us.

- You know who you're dealing with? - Yeah.

The guy who got me to put my family in danger.

But that's not your fault. It's mine.

I convinced them.

I believed this is who I was.

Now I know better.

You don't know nothing, kid.

Oh, no. You did teach me a couple of things.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Once a week, the old tailor upstairs drives to the market to buy his sausage.

It's a real love story. What of it?

And the second thing is:

The rabbit comes out of the hole,

goes around the tree

and back down the hole.

What?

The kid, the kid!

When this truck stops, I'm gonna get him.

You nincompoop, don't you know where this truck always parks?

Yeah. The market. At the entrance.

Right next to the...

This reminds me of the first time I was put in a cage.

The circus was in town, and I'd always...

Whiskers, stay focused.

On what? Being captured and getting our comeuppance?

Anyway, they only hired bats, so I made a costume out of gym socks.

There we are.

You were right. I should have just supported you.

I think I was just worried the book would take you away

from the family I wanted us to have, you know?

- I'm sorry. - No, I'm sorry.

I was chasing something for all the wrong reasons.

I lost sight of what was important.

Our family.

And families, I've learned, can come in all shapes and sizes.

Nigel wanted me to use those exact words to end my book.

You're kidding.

I mean, the sentiment's nice, but how pathetic.

- Right? Right? - Pathetic? Yeah.

That's why I said it, to make you laugh.

- Nigel, he was pathetic. You want some tea? - Lovely.

Benjamin, is now the time

for my often interrupted yet heartfelt apology?

I'm sorry.

I never should have mixed you up in all this.

I got caught up worrying about who everyone thought I was,

instead of who I really am, which is your brother.

And your cousin, who continues to not listen to you but promises to really, really try.

I'm sorry.

What...?

I'm kidding.

But, really, Peter, from now on, you need to think things through

and take some advice from those who love you.

I'm sorry. Wha...?

Sunset.

And so, they all lived happily ever after,

as is the law in these storybooks.

You just take this out, and...

There.

Bea and McGregor had a child of their own.

And the rabbits took to her like a real sister.

Peekaboo.

Peekaboo. Peekaboo.

Peekaboo!

Try this jelly bean. It'll change your life.

Cotton-Tail, no.

Cute baby.

Right, well, if anybody needs me, I'm gonna swim to France and back.

I finally realised what made me different.

I'm the narrator of these stories.

Another classic, Flopsy. What are you gonna name it?

She already did.

I like it. Implies there might be more.

Or this could be it. We didn't think we'd get this far.

Hey, squirrel, why don't you take it from here?

I couldn't possibly.

We are young, we run green

Keep our teeth nice and clean

See our friends, see the sights

Feel all right

Okay. That's enough.

- Thanks. - Yep.

Cock-a-doodle-do!

Cock-a-doodle-do!

Wait a second.

Dad, wake up!

Cock-a-doodle-do!

You made the magical water fountains erupt,

wetting the earth so it won't burn up from the giant ball of fire!

It's not a sham! We do matter!

We have a purpose!

Cock-a-doodle-do!

We're back, baby!

But we still can't fly.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull