Original subtitles

[crowd cheering]

- Yeah!

[crowd shouting indistinctly]

- Where's your pink pussy hat, princess?

- It's at home covering up my giant dildos.

Where's yours?

[crowd cheering] - Yeah!

- Winner! - Yeah, suck my tits!

- Suck her tits! - Yeah!

Oh, shit, I am just getting warmed up!

Now, which one of you buttholes is next?

- This butthole!

[tense music]

- Fucking Brenda.

- Hey, Danny.

♪ ♪

[energetic rock music]

- Jerry.

- Oh, shit, it's Bonecrusher

versus the Dominator!

[crowd chattering excitedly]

- Ready? Go!

♪ ♪

- Crush those bones!

- Come on, you got 'em!

Come on, you got 'em. You got 'em.

♪ ♪

- Whoa, whoa!

- Whoo! - Oh, God! Oh, fuck!

Jerry, flip this table over!

- [grunts]

- [screams] You dirty cheat.

- Oh, looks like you won't be going to Nationals, Danny.

- [grunts]

♪ ♪

No! [shouting]

♪ ♪

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

[groaning] Oh, shit.

- Ice, ice, ice, ice. - Oh, God.

- I think it's broken. - Oh, no, no, no, no.

There's no fucking way that she broke my wrist.

I mean, hey, if it was broken,

could I do this?

Oh, fuck!

Jerry, crush that can. Fuck.

- She tore the ligament in my shoulder.

- This is just like Pittsburgh a month ago.

- She's getting rid of all the competition

so that she can get the grand slam.

- You were the best chance we had of beating her,

and now your arm is fucked.

- Yeah, and there is no way in hell

I'm gonna let her win this tournament.

We need somebody new, somebody she's not expecting.

We need a ringer.

[relaxed electronic music]

♪ ♪

- That should do it. - Oh, great.

If I don't get these going in the next ten minutes,

I'll lose the day. - She's back up and running.

- Awesome. Thanks, Sue Ellen. How much do I owe you?

Wow, that's--that's more than I was expecting.

- Sorry, sweetie.

It's on its last legs. I did what I could.

Or I could get you a new one for 8,000.

- Okay.

Okay, so you can run all three of these.

- I only need one.

- No, you'll--you'll need to run all three.

Sorry.

♪ ♪

- Hey, ex-wifey.

♪ ♪

- Steve, what are you doing here?

- Don't freak out. I just came by to say hi.

Oh, and these finally came.

- I asked you to mail these to my apartment.

- Ugh.

Well, I was in the hood,

and I wanted to make sure you didn't burn the place down.

If you did, we could split the insurance money.

[chuckles]

- I'm not gonna burn the place down.

- I--you wouldn't do it. Someone else would do it.

And no one'll be in here. No one's gonna get hurt.

It was a joke. Whatever.

- Please don't. Have you washed your hands?

- What? No. Why?

- You're touching food that I'm going to serve.

- If you're gonna have a fit, okay--

- I'm not having a fit,

I'm just asking you to have clean hands.

- If you're gonna be hysterical,

I'm gonna leave, okay? I don't need this anymore.

- Okay. - All right, fine.

- Okay. - Jeez.

- Thank you for dropping these off.

- Yeah, you're welcome.

Ugh, what? What is going on here?

That doughnut sucks.

- That's not a doughnut. That's bread.

- A doughnut is bread.

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Boo! - [screams]

- Oh, ow! - Oh, Danny!

- Oh, shit! - Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry. - My titty!

- I'm so sorry. - Oh, my God.

Hi, Mel! - Hi!

Hi, Danny.

- Oh, shit. - Oh, you really scared me.

- No, it's fine. Oh, sorry.

You spilled your papers. - I'll take those.

Give me the papers. - What papers?

- Give it to me. - I don't have any papers.

Please give it to me. - Whoa.

Decree of dissolution of marriage?

Holy shit, that's awesome, Mel!

Well...

and it's fucking shitty. - Yeah.

- But in the long run, it's awesome,

but right now it's gonna be awful.

Sorry, Mel.

- It's good to see you.

- It's good to see you, too.

- I'm sorry I punched you in the breast.

- No, it felt really cool. - It did?

- Yeah.

I'm so glad you threw the trash out finally.

I've been back there for, like, six hours.

- I'm sorry I haven't called. Are you okay?

Your-- - Oh, yeah, this is nothing.

I'm sorry I haven't called. I've been just as bad.

- What have you been up to? - Oh, man, Mel.

I've been doing this, like, transatlantic route,

and I was able to get myself my own rig.

- That's so cool! - Yeah, right?

[chuckles] - Ugh, this lady's the worst.

- Who is she?

[coffee machine whirring]

[door bells jingle]

- Hi. How are you?

- Hi. Super busy. - Oh, yeah.

Well, I have your small cappuccino

with extra foam. - And where is my scone?

- Oh, um...

are you sure?

- I'd like to have my scone that comes free

with my order.

- Mm-hmm, okay.

- [inhales deeply] God.

- Mm.

- Okay.

- [gasps] [door bells jingle]

- Have a great day. [door closes]

- Have a great day? What the hell, Mel?

- What am I gonna do, fight her over it?

- Yeah, you're gonna go out there and kick her ass

and then slash her tires.

- [chuckles] Danny, you know the customer's always right.

- You know what would determine who's right and who's wrong?

A good old-fashioned arm-wrestling match, huh?

- What?

That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

- Oh, come on, you used to do it all the time.

- Yeah, when I was a kid

or as a goof in college, you know,

when we couldn't decide what to get for takeout.

[both grunting]

Calzone wins again, yeah! - Damn it.

Please don't tell my mom I look like this.

I mean you always won.

- Well, arm wrestling isn't gonna solve

my problems anymore. - I don't know.

I still think you should arm wrestle her.

- I don't know. It's not worth it.

- Oh, what? - [sighs]

- Mel, are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm great.

- You know what?

You need to do, like, an "Eat, Pray, Love" thing.

- [chuckles] - Come with me on the road.

I've got a shipment to Detroit.

Oh, it's been so long since we've gotten to hang out,

and you can see me in action!

- Yeah.

- Think about it--

just me, you, and the open road.

It'll be fun.

- I wish I could, but I can't.

- [sighs] Mel, you got to get out of here.

You got to go see things and try things

rather than just hiding behind that apron

like a depressed, underweight Bobby Flay.

- Hey, if anything, I'm a depressed,

underweight Barefoot Contessa.

And I'm not hiding.

I just can't afford to drop everything and leave.

- What if I split my pay with you?

You could share the driving with me.

It's illegal, but who cares? They don't ever stop women.

[both chuckle] It'll be fun.

- Yeah. - I think you really need this.

- I'm sorry. I-I can't.

- Okay.

- And I do need you to get out from behind the counter

'cause it's a health code violation.

- Oh, is it? - Yeah.

- I do lose my hair in chunks, so...

- Oh.

- I'll see you later.

♪ ♪

Brenda the Bonecrusher is poised to win Nationals?

[inhales deeply]

Oh, God damn it, she does look pretty hot there.

This is a fucking good website.

It's like she hired someone.

God!

God, she sucks!

Shit!

[relaxed electronic music]

♪ ♪

[timer dings]

♪ ♪

- Ugh.

Ugh, not again.

[sighs]

♪ ♪

So, Danny, how much do you usually make

on a Kansas City to Detroit run?

I was doing some calculations on my phone,

and I think that I can keep the bakery closed

for about a week. - Okay.

- But I need to know how much we're gonna make.

- Look, Mel, don't worry about it, okay?

I don't know how much we're gonna make.

When we get there, they're gonna look

at the shipment,

they're gonna factor in the mileage,

and then, from there, tell us how much we made,

but trust me-- it'll be enough.

- Okay.

Okay, sounds good. - Ow, shit.

- Are you in pain? - What?

Do you have some pills?

Like anything? - Drugs?

No I don't have drugs. - You got codeine?

- No, I just said I don't-- - Morphine?

- No, I definitely don't have morphine.

- Oh, okay.

You never know this day and age with Big Pharm.

- How did that happen anyway?

- I just got in a little bar fight.

It's chill. - A bar fight?

- Yeah.

- How did you get into a bar fight?

- Oh, my God, there's a million ways

to get into a bar fight.

Do you want to hear my top three?

- I don't have a choice. - No, you don't.

Number three--

classic-- just trip 'em.

[energetic rock music]

Oh, yes! [grunts]

Boom, you're in a bar fight.

[screams]

Number two--

steal someone's beer...

and/or their dude.

Yeah, get up here. Get up here.

Let me suck your dick. [chuckles]

And number one-- my absolute favorite way

to get into a bar fight--

the nice and simple flick 'em in the head.

Yeah! - Oh, my gosh.

So which one was this one?

- Oh, it was none of those.

I got in a fight with this chick

I was arm wrestling.

- Arm wrestling, really?

- I didn't tell you about it

because you think arm wrestling is too aggro.

- [scoffs] I never said that.

- Yeah, but your face did.

- Yeah.

Look, all I'm saying

is that arm wrestling sounds dangerous.

I mean, you broke your wrist. - Oh, shit.

You hear that? It's our favorite song.

[Heart's "These Dreams"]

- Here we go.

both: ♪ These dreams ♪

- ♪ Go on when I close my eyes ♪

- ♪ These-- ♪ - ♪ Every second of the night ♪

♪ I live another life ♪

both: ♪ These dreams ♪

- [mumbling lyrics indistinctly]

- Danny. - What?

- Do you not know the words?

- No, I know the words. I know the words.

Don't worry about it. It's my favorite song.

[chuckles] It's our song.

- I know, but you were just going...

[imitates mumbling] - Yeah, no, I'm singing along.

I was singing along.

- You didn't say any consonants.

- I'm not a good singer, so, yeah, I didn't enunciate.

- ♪ These dreams ♪

♪ Go on when I close my eyes ♪

♪ Every second of the night ♪

♪ I live another life ♪

- There's so much room back here.

- Oh, yeah. - It's so homey.

I love what you've done with it.

- Mm-hmm, and the rule

is guests have to be the big spoon.

- Oh, wait, we sleep back here? - Yeah.

That's why there's a bed. Doy.

We're gonna get a little schnockered,

come back here, and spoon. - Oh, boy.

[bike engine revs]

[energetic rock music]

♪ ♪

This place is different. - Yeah.

- You get the fuck out of my bar!

- Hmm.

- Well...

look who the cat dragged in.

- Randy. - Danny.

- Oh.

- So...

I understand that you're here

to take another shot at your rep.

- I am.

You gonna help me do that?

- See you at the table, ladies. - Mm-hmm.

- What rep?

- My arm-wrestling reputation.

- What is this?

Ooh. - Oh, shit!

- Do you think they have rosé? - [coughs] No, absolutely not.

Let's go.

- Are you sure you want to do this?

- Yeah, yeah, it's my left. It's fine.

- But that's the only good one you have left.

- Danny?

You gonna let Kate Middleton over here

tell you what to do, or are you gonna get serious?

- Aww, thank you.

- Is this serious enough for you?

- Danny. - [chuckles]

What? I got this.

Call it.

- Let's go, ladies.

Center up.

- [clears throat]

- Let's keep it clean.

You go on three.

One, two, three.

- God! Oh, wow, shit!

My left is a piece of shit!

- Tough titty. Quit your whining.

- Thank you, ma'am. - God!

- Danny! - What?

- Wait, you just spent all your money

on an arm-wrestling match? - Yeah.

- This is so dumb! - What?

- Oh, shit.

- Excuse me. - Oh, shit.

- Who are you calling dumb?

- I-I said fun. I said, "This is so fun."

- [whispering] That doesn't rhyme with dumb.

- [whispering] Shut up.

- Yeah, you come into my bar, and you tell me that I'm dumb?

[chuckles]

I'm gonna rip you a new asshole.

- Please don't. - Asshole!

[crowd shouting together] Yeah!

- Okay, all right, okay. Everybody just chill out.

I'm sure there's a way that we could settle this

without anybody getting a new asshole

unless they want it--

no judgment here...

- I love it. - With an arm-wrestling match.

- Yeah. What? - Against her.

- No!

- Double or nothing. [laughter]

- Shit, don't make me laugh.

- No, I'm being serious. - [scoffs]

Fine.

This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever won.

- Yeah! - Let's do this!

- [quietly] Do we have to do this?

- [quietly] I think this is

our only chance at not getting our asses kicked.

- Okay.

- Okay, this is good. Come on.

Here we go. [chuckles]

Yeah, take your money out of your purse.

Slam it down. - Okay.

Slam it down hard.

Okay, that was it. That was cute.

- Yeah. - Um...

are there hooks? - No, there aren't.

I'll hold it. Don't worry about it.

- Okay. - Yep.

- Okay. - Okay, great.

Great, great, great, great. Come on, now.

- Has this been wiped down recently?

- What do you think? - Hey...

let's not worry about that, okay?

All right, you got this.

[soft dramatic music]

- Are you ready? - Yeah. No--yes.

- She's ready. She's ready.

She's got this. - This is on three.

One, two, three.

- Come on, Mel, here we go. Here we go.

Oh, God. - Teach her a lesson!

- Pull doors, Mel. Pull, Mel, pull!

[crowd gasps]

- What the fuck? - [laughs]

- I'm so sorry. - How the fuck did you do that?

- Uh, I don't know. I don't know.

- Well, we may just be in the presence

of a golden arm. - A what?

- Well, that's when a woman like yourself--

weak, ineffectual, soft, like a...

[together] Jellyfish.

- Jellyfish. - A jellyfish.

- Okay, I get it.

- But she has got one goddamn powerful arm.

- [chuckles]

- Well, thank you. Is that mine?

- Yep. - Mm-hmm, yeah it is.

- Hold it-- minus my 10 percent.

- Sure, I mean, you earned it, yeah.

- Yeah, I did. - Thank you so much.

- Thank you. - I loved--

This was honestly-- - Was it?

[together] Yeah.

- Danny, get the fuck out of my bar.

- Okay, I'll see you...

- You fuck yourself! - So soon.

- You get the fuck out of here! - Oh, shit!

Oh, my fucking kidney!

- Stop looking and keep drinking!

- Danny, are you okay? - Oh, dear, holy shit.

I'm fine.

- Wait, why are we in the men's bathroom?

- I didn't know where else to run.

- We could have run outside. - I knew it!

I knew you had a golden arm!

- Oh, God, Danny, that's so silly.

- You put a beatdown on Randy Roadhouse Rollins!

- I got lucky. - Oh, no, no, no.

What you've got is a gift,

and we're taking that gift to Oklahoma City, baby!

- Oklahoma--wait, what about Detroit

and the shipment? - Oh, there is no shipment.

I lied to you, yeah. - Danny!

- Yeah, I'm gonna have you

fill in for me at the Nationals!

[chuckles]

I mean, your form is pretty sloppy,

but we can get you some training, and you'll be--

- No, Danny.

I'm not doing that. That's insane.

I'm not doing the Nationals. - Oh, really?

- Really. - Really?

- Yeah. - Huh?

- Uh-huh. - Oh, yeah?

- Yeah. - Is $15,000 insane?

'Cause that's the prize.

[toilet flushes]

[door latch clicks]

[both chuckle]

- Busted! - Busted!

- Oh. - Ew.

- We're going to Nationals, baby.

Oh! But first, we train.

[upbeat music]

Whoo-hoo-hoo, look at all that corn.

- That's not corn. - What the hell is it, then?

- I think it's just tall grass. - Tall grass?

Uh-uh, tall grass has never made me hungry.

- ♪ Is loud, and it's waking the neighbor ♪

- Hey.

Do that. - Okay, ready?

- Yeah. [truck horn blares]

Aha! - Ha, yeah!

- Yeah, baby! - Mel.

- Can I do it? - Give it a shot.

Don't mess up. Yeah, just pull it.

[truck horn blaring]

Okay, okay.

[blaring stops]

- That was fun.

Where are we going to train?

- I got a little special place.

It's awesome.

- Huh.

- [laughs]

- You brought me to a strip club?

- No, it's a bikini bar. It's classy.

- How is this training? - Oh, you'll see.

[energetic rock music]

♪ ♪

[men hooting and whistling]

- Big Sexy. - Who?

- All right, let's go.

- She founded the tournament

and went undefeated 81-straight matches.

She's retired now, and she only works

with the champions.

- Whoo! [laughs]

- She's pretty much your only chance at winning.

Big Sexy! - Dominator!

- [laughs] - [laughs]

- Goddamn, your name gets more and more accurate!

- Look at you. You put on some weight?

- I did. Thank you for noticing.

- Nice work, friend.

[both grunting]

Is this her? - Yeah.

This is my best friend, Melanie.

- Hi, so nice to meet you.

- Hmm.

[whistles]

[sniffing]

- [mouthing words] - [mouthing words]

I don't think so, Danny. Sorry, bud.

- Wait, that's it?

- She doesn't have the fight in her.

And her whole aura is piss yellow.

- Come on, you got to give her a chance.

Melanie does have the fight in her.

It's just buried way, way, way down there,

and I know that you are the only one

that can get it out of her.

- [sighs]

Welcome to the shop, ladies.

Okay, what pisses you off?

- What? - I got one.

Her name is Brenda, and she's a twat.

- Please don't say "twat."

- Mine is... we're in Baghdad in the shit.

[explosion booms, gunfire]

Snipers everywhere.

We almost didn't make it out alive.

- Medic! [helicopter blades whirring]

- Oh, I've got it.

- What? W-what is it?

- It's really similar to yours.

Scones in the trash.

- Excuse me?

- I keep telling Kristen, the yoga instructor,

that if she doesn't want a scone,

she doesn't have to take one, but she always does.

She takes one bite out of it,

and she throws it away every day.

[chuckles] It really pisses me off.

- Okay, I mean, I've never worked

with something so mundane, but, hey,

let's give it a shot. - Yeah.

- Okay, shut your eyes.

Now imagine that woman is right here,

and your anger is just bubbling up from inside,

and you've just got to let it go.

- Oh, like "Frozen."

- No, not like fucking "Frozen," damn it!

Okay, you worked really hard

on those scones, right? - Yeah, I did.

- You put your blood, sweat, and tears into 'em.

- Yeah, it was my grandmother's recipe!

- And she is a goddamn sweetheart, right?

- Yeah.

- And you were really polite and told her,

"Don't take one if you're just gonna throw away."

- Right!

- But every day you walk outside,

and in that garbage can, there's your scone

thrown away like a nasty old ball of hair

out of the shower drain.

- Ugh.

- Exactly.

- Now, how you feeling?

- I'm hot, sweaty. - Yeah.

- My pants are wet. - Good, good.

- My heart's racing. - Uh-huh.

- Temples throbbing. - Oh.

- That's good, that's good. This is it.

Okay, now imagine that yoga bitch

is standing right here. - Mm-hmm.

- And she's got one of your homemade delicious scones

in her hand. - Ooh, yummy.

- But wait. Huh? What's that? - Uh-oh.

- She just crumpled it up and threw it in the trash!

- Oh, you ungrateful, selfish jerk!

If you step one more foot into my shop,

I'm gonna beat you with your yoga mat

that reeks like crotch stank!

- Come on, lady, shut up!

- [chuckles]

- Yeah.

Okay, and now we work.

[spirited rock music]

- I said "crotch stank."

- That was awesome. - It felt weird.

- Can I stay "crotch stank" now?

♪ ♪

- [chuckles] Yeah.

- This is an official arm-wrestling table--

42 inches tall, same as a bar. - Why am I up here again?

- So, for the next 60 seconds,

you have to maintain that exact position,

and you can't spill a drop of beer

no matter what comes at you. - Got it.

Ow!

- No. - No, no, no, no.

- No.

Just let her. - What is this?

- It's like a little fit. Just let her get it out.

- Come on! - Come on, Mel!

You got this! - Push it!

- There you go! - Drive it through.

- Come on, go a little-- - Come on!

Now, this is your peg.

It's gonna be your stabilizer,

and you also can use it for leverage.

Square it up. Square it up over here.

You can pull right-handed or left,

but your elbow at all times

has to stay anywhere on this square.

You can move it around. You can't lift it up.

- Kiss that pavement... - Come on!

- And then get away from it!

Mel, don't use your knees! - Danny!

- Oh, my God, her shoes are on my pillow.

Oh!

- You're gonna get your grip. - Mm-hmm.

- Squeeze the thumb, pull it up.

- Oh.

- Watch your form, straighten up the wrist.

Come on, girls.

Be quick and explosive. You want to get the jump.

- Yeah. - Suck and tuck.

- Excuse me? - [chuckling]

Exactly.

You want to go... [imitates whoosh]

And get on top of it. There you go.

Go! Come on, get in there.

And don't let anybody get cocky up there

when you're getting your grip.

You slip out of that, he'll pull the straps.

- I got it.

- It can really mess up your game,

especially if that buckle ends up

on the backside of your hand

and your opponent can dig their fingers into it.

I mean, I've seen guys' hands ripped open

because of the metal.

I have 15 world titles.

- And 81-straight matches won.

- No, it's like 600 and one. I lost one time.

I got to face her again and redeem myself,

and as my mama said,

"Get up there and break her goddamn arm."

[laughter]

- How do you avoid that?

- Broke-arm position.

That is where the wrist

is on the outside of the shoulder.

Do you feel that pressure right here?

- Mm-hmm.

- It takes eight pounds of pressure

to radial break your humerus.

Go!

- You are spilling a shit ton of beer, Mel.

- No, no, no, no, don't you get back there.

And you just keep working.

Don't ever go to losing position.

- Okay.

- 'Cause you don't practice being a loser!

- Yeah!

Big Sexy said you have to do 400 of these?

- And tuck! Should have been faster.

Come on, get up. We ain't done.

Go, come on, get the jump.

Get the jump. - There you go.

- Hit low, hit low.

- Fuck you, bag! Fuck you, bag!

You're doing great, man. I'm surprised.

Yes, Mel! - Break her arm!

- You fucking got this, Mel! - Come on, yes!

- You got this! - You got it!

The only way I see you winning this tournament

is you got to beat me at least once.

- Got it.

- Come on, get in there. Take my thumb, there you go.

- Ready?

♪ ♪

- [breathes deeply] Yes.

- Yep.

- Go!

- Really?

Come on. Is that all you got?

Something's blocking you. I don't feel it.

- [grunts]

- God damn it. What the fuck is this?

Shit up here? - I'm doing my best.

- I don't think so.

- Ugh.

- I can't do this shit.

- What?

- I think you're the fucking problem.

What are you doing?

- Ugh! Aah!

- Hey, would you just hold up?

- No, Danny. [breathing heavily]

I am exhausted.

My back hurts.

I've got motorcycle grease in my butt.

Like, I don't even know how it got there.

I just--I can't do this! - Are you serious?

'Cause that looked badass, dude.

- I'm mad, okay? I am mad!

- Okay, good, be mad!

But I know it is not about the arm wrestling.

So what is it about, Mel?

- I don't know.

I don't know what I'm doing. [sobs quietly]

I'm just so sick of everyone else

dictating my life, you know?

Like...

I never put myself first.

I don't listen to my gut.

Like, with Steve,

when I first met him, I didn't even like him,

but he convinced me.

You told me not to marry him.

- Sorry about that. - No, you were right.

[sighs] I mean, you could have told me sooner

than the day before our wedding.

- Yeah.

I was pretty hammered. - [laughs] Yeah.

- Your grandma got me good.

[laughs]

- [sighs] I wasted five years of my life with that guy.

What if every choice I make is the wrong one?

- I mean, everybody makes wrong choices, Melanie.

That's kind of the fun of life.

And you listened to your gut when you joined me

on this trip, right?

And look at you now,

you're "Eat, Pray, Love"-ing the shit out of life!

It's like the old Melanie's coming back!

Right now...

what is your gut telling you to do?

[triumphant music]

♪ ♪

- I'm ready.

♪ ♪

- I'll be the judge of that.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- Go!

♪ ♪

[triumphant music]

♪ ♪

[all cheering]

♪ ♪

- Whoo-hoo!

[truck horn blares]

[energetic rock music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, shit. Okay hold the wheel.

Come here. - What?

- Take the wheel. - What are you gonna do?

- We're coming up on this bar

that you have to show your tits to,

or you get bad luck on the road.

- What? - Okay, take it.

- Okay. - Take it.

There's them!

[car horn blares, tires squealing]

Whoo!

Not having bad luck today!

- ♪ I'm flying, I'm flying in my mind ♪

♪ I tell you, I tell you that I'm fine ♪

♪ I'm flying, I'm flying in my mind ♪

♪ I tell you, oh, you don't know ♪

♪ ♪

- Hey, Danny? - Yeah?

- I was thinking about some stuff,

and I just want to say I'm sorry.

- For what?

- You know, when you told me not to marry Steve,

I kind of shut you out.

I just want to say I'm sorry for that.

- Oh, Mel, it's okay.

- I really missed you.

- I really missed you.

- Good. - Like, a lot.

- Well, no matter what happens,

I'm really glad that we're doing this together.

Just you and me.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[brakes hiss]

- All right, we're here!

- This is it?

- Yeah, I know it doesn't look like much on the outside,

but it's got everything, Mel.

- Like horses? - What?

- [gasps] - No.

[funk music]

[laughing] Yeah, what's up?

Ooh. Oh, here come's Lauren.

She's a paramedic by day and a lady puller by night.

Lauren. - Danny, hey.

- When's your first match? - I'm the first one up tonight.

- Really? Kill it!

- See you at the bar later. - You know it.

[chuckles] Geeta!

- Hey. - Killer costume, dude.

Geeta's a sixth-grade math teacher

and just a beast in the arena! - Wow.

- Oh, shit. That's Carl.

He runs the entire competition.

Hey, Carl.

- Danny. - You're looking good.

- Well, you're not looking too bad yourself.

- Hi, I'm Melanie. - Mm.

- Top knot looking fierce. - Stop it.

- You know what I like. - Stop it.

- I won't stop. - Hi, I'm Melanie.

- Stop it. - I can't stop.

- Mm.

How's it looking in there? - Hey.

- Oh, so much better now that you're here.

- Mm. - Ah, dominate me, Dominator.

- You wish.

Oh, shit.

- Hello, I'm Melanie.

Bye, thank you. - Ooh.

- Welcome to Star Arena, Mel.

- Tonight will be packed with a bevy of beauties

the likes of which you've never seen--

featuring the lizard Geno.

- They look amazing.

- Skateboarding dynamo, Tessie the Tank!

- Yeah. - The community is great.

Everybody here is so rad.

- And the one you've been waiting for,

the three-time arm-wrestling champ...

- What's wrong? - Except for Brenda.

- Brenda the Bonecrusher!

She'll crush your bones to dust.

- Why? What's wrong with Brenda?

- She's ruined the entire sport.

She's, like, made it just not as fun.

She cheats a ton, and she fucked up my arm,

and she fucking hates French fries.

Where it's like-- who hates French fries?

They're so good! - Danny.

She's the one who did that to your wrist?

- Yeah. - That jerk!

- Whoa.

I was kind of hoping you'd say something

like "that arm-jacking twat"!

But that was pretty good. - Please don't say "twat."

- Okay. - I hate that word.

- Okay, I'm sorry.

All right, let's, uh-- let's get you registered, huh?

- Hey, Dominator. - Jerry!

- I checked you into the hotel. - Thank you.

- And I got you some hot towels.

- Clean your hands. - Okay.

- Yeah. - Sorry, who are you?

- Oh, I'm Jerry.

I'm the Dominator's sidekick--assistant.

- Oh, I like "sidekick," dude.

- Me too. - Let's keep that.

Let's keep that.

- Here's my card if you need to contact me.

- Oh, this is--it's wet. - Oh, it's probably just sweat.

- Yeah. Why are you so sweaty?

- It's so hot in here, right?

- Did you fix everything in the room?

- Mm-hmm. - New sheets?

- Mm-hmm. - Fluff pillows?

- Mm-hmm.

- Did you leave the shower running on full blast?

- Shit.

Uh, I'll go drop this stuff backstage...

- Okay.

- And then I'll go turn on the shower.

- He's the shit. He helps me do everything.

[crowd cheering]

[soft piano music]

♪ ♪

- I think I got this in the bag.

I mean, we got a mermaid, a fucking lizard, a monkey--

- Monkey?

- Danny, I'm just reading this over.

Why do they need to know if I'm an organ donor?

- Oh, like, just in case

somebody needs an organ or something.

- Danny, Danny, Danny.

You came to cheer me on! - No.

I came to watch you lose. - Who's gonna beat me?

You're out, and I've beaten every other bitch here.

- Not everyone. Right, Mel?

Come on. - [chuckles] That's right.

- [scoffs]

You don't actually mean the American Girl doll?

- [chuckles] Yeah, right.

I've seen bigger biceps on a balloon animal.

- [laughs]

- And I have seen a lot of balloon animals.

- That's--that's cool.

- No, seriously, Danny,

you've done some dumb shit in your time

but, uh, this move,

it goes into the dumb shit hall of fame,

along right next to that hairdo.

- Okay. - Okay, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, Danny.

Don't let her get to you. - Mel, Mel!

- I know, baby, it's not worth it.

Hey, F-bombs, F-bombs. - Yeah.

- Okay, sweet cheeks, can I tell you something?

I was born to win.

- Okay.

Thank you.

- Shake it. Shake her hand.

- Soft.

- Well, I wasn't-- I wasn't trying.

I wasn't trying to shake it.

Are you ready?

- I am ready! [chuckles]

- What do you think?

Why do I have to wear a costume at all?

- You got to put a show on for the fans.

You got to find something that, like,

shows your essence, you know?

- [screams] - [laughs]

I like it,

but it's not intimidating. - [sighs]

- You are the cleaning lady!

Like a sexy devil graduate?

- I don't know what's intimidating and what's not.

- You are the Pope! - Is this sacrilegious?

- What about this, huh? - That's just a bathing suit!

- Oh, shit, yeah. You would look hot in that!

- No!

[breathing heavily] - Oh.

What is it?

- I'm the ex-wife, and I'm gonna take half your stuff!

By state law, I get to!

- Set it on fire or something.

- Well, no, I'll try to sell it.

Oh, this one's good. - Okay.

- You can't see my face. Ready?

- I'm ready.

- Give me your camp goods!

- You're adorable!

- No! - Yes!

- No. Doesn't he look mad?

- But, like, in a cartoon way, you know,

where it's just like, "Where's my honey?"

And you're like "Oh, what a delight."

[chuckles] - Oh, my God.

- What is it? - Something's biting me.

Oh, my God, this thing's infested!

- Ew, ew! It's got eggs!

- Get it off me! Get it off!

- Oh, fuck, it's got bugs in it!

Ew!

- Ugh!

Eggs, oh, God. [door closes]

Ugh, blech.

[sighs]

[object clatters]

Danny?

Oh.

Oh, my God, where are your pants?

- What, where are your pants?

- Oh, God! Oh! Okay, okay.

- Um, I was supposed to put this one on,

and I was--I'm here to--

I was here to dress, not just undress, so...

I'm sorry you have a beautiful bod--

well, I mean, I'm not sorry you have a beautiful body.

You have a beautiful body. I'm sorry I saw it.

I mean, I'm not sorry that I saw it.

I mean what is great about it is my brain

will remember it. [clears throat]

Uh, I realize that I'm in the wrong place.

I thought I was in the right place.

- Mel, I threw that shit in the street.

Greg! - Hi.

- What the hell am I walking into?

Are we getting started or ending?

- No, we're not-- - How are you, Danny?

- I'm good, Greg.

- You know, I was wondering why you weren't in the tournament.

- I got hurt. - What?

- Boom. - Oh, yeah!

- I know, I can't pull.

- You're usually at the top of the leaderboard

at the beginning. - Yeah, right?

This was my year. - Danny, Danny!

- Oh!

- Sorry, yeah, right. Sorry, ma'am.

Danny, nice seeing you.

- Yeah, good to see you too, Greg.

You look good. [giggles] - Ah, thank you.

- He looks good, Mel, and you look good.

- No.

- Hey, you need to pick out an outfit right now

'cause your first bout's in 30 minutes!

[sighs]

[soft dramatic music]

[spray hisses]

- [grunts] God, what is that?

- Tea tree oil. - It's just tea tree oil?

I don't think you're supposed to eat that.

- Okay, Mel, you're fine, all right?

You're in the eastern bracket, and that bonehead bitch Brenda,

she's in the western bracket. - Mm-hmm.

- But I don't want you to think about that right now.

What I need for you to do is to focus

on your first bout, okay?

Oh, shit, I know that face.

Jerry, trash can!

- [retching] - Oh, yipes!

See, I told you that I'm an expert at reading face.

- I threw up. - Yeah, it's okay.

- He gave me tea tree oil. I don't think--

- Jerry? - I'm sorry, maybe a mint?

Mint would probably be better. - Yeah, take a mint.

- I don't trust him now. - Take a mint.

- I wish Big Sexy were here. - Okay.

Okay, that's great.

And what do you think she'd say to you, huh?

She would say, "Mel, stand up!

"Now you have to go out there balls out!

"So it's time, Mel.

It's time for you to go out there balls out!"

- Why would you say that?

- Oh, to, like, pump her up.

- That's not how you pump someone up.

You got to get it right.

Now, I don't want to assume, but you don't have balls.

You got labia. - You're right.

If you want to get technical... - Oh, I do.

I'm an OB-GYN. That's my day job.

- Oh.

- And I seen a lot of labia in my day.

All kinds.

Small, tall, loud, shy.

I seen a spider come out of one.

I probably shouldn't have said that.

But you know what they all have in common?

- Uh-uh.

- They're strong. - Oh.

- Much stronger than a set of balls.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Our labia can withstand tons of things.

- Yeah. - Right.

- Much more than a delicate pair of little underwear plums.

- As an OB-GYN, you call them underwear plums?

- I try to keep it out of the office.

- Sure. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Men always say "balls out,"

but do you think a man would do something

that would tear his balls? - No.

Would you? - No.

Even a flick would ruin your day.

- And you can flick labia.

- Hell, yeah, you can. - I love it!

I love it! - Mel!

- Huh?

- You can't go out there with your balls out.

You got to get out there with your labes out!

- Yeah! - Labes out!

- Labes out, yeah!

[all chanting] Labes out!

Labes out! Labes out!

Labes out!

[all cheer]

- It's time for our next match!

You're here for carnage!

You're here for warfare!

You're here for the sport of queens!

In this corner,

she is no angel!

The queen of pop,

and by "pop," I mean she'll pop

your damn arm out its socket!

Beat-Ya-Down-Ce!

[cheers and applause]

And in this corner...

[Heart's "These Dreams" playing]

♪ ♪

- Yeah! Oh.

♪ ♪

- ♪ Spare a little candle ♪

♪ Save some light for me ♪

♪ Figures up ahead moving in the trees ♪

- Come on, let's go. You got this.

You got this!

You picked, like, the weirdest part of the song

to come out to. - Really?

- It's okay. You got this, go.

- ♪ These dreams in the mist ♪

- First of all, I love this song.

But what's your vibe? What's your persona?

- Oh, I'm totally freaked out. [whimpers]

- Okay.

Um, we have Freaked Out!

[scattered applause]

Hey, that's on you.

You didn't give me enough to work with.

- Yeah, sorry.

- Okay, you got this! You got this!

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[crowd shouting and cheering]

- Ready?

Set!

- Holy shit!

We have an upset!

The winner is Freaked Out!

- Oh, you did it!

- The first victory of the night...

- You won! You won!

[cheers and applause]

- We got a new star on the scene.

How are you feeling? - Bathroom.

- Yeah!

Bathroom!

- Bathroom! Bathroom!

- Yeah!

Call me.

- That's a woman.

Our first upset of the tournament

by Freaked Out.

- Oh, my God, Mel, that was so cool!

- It felt so good. - Yeah, it looked good.

- All this power came up inside me,

and then just bam! - Yes, oh, my God!

- It was so awesome. - Okay.

Here's to my best friend,

my kidney donor if I should ever need one,

which doctors are saying probably.

- Danny.

- The Al Pacino to my Robert De Niro.

- Oh!

[as Robert De Niro] Hey, let me ask you.

- [as Robert De Niro] Hey, I want--hey, there.

Hey, there. That face is, like, weird.

[normal voice] Well, to you, Mel.

- Cheers. - Ooh, yeah!

- Mmm.

- Ahh.

So what kind of crazy

are we gonna get into tonight, huh?

- I just want a nice hot bath.

I just want to relax

and just, like, sort of decompress.

- What? - Self-care.

[indistinct chatter]

- No, Mel, we're here to, like, have fun.

- I know. - And you just won.

- I know.

- So it's kind of now just like, hey, go have fun.

- Right. - Oh, shit.

- A bath, to me, is really fun.

- There's Greg.

Uh-oh. Hey, Greg.

- Hey. - Danny...

- [laughs] He's cute, and he's walking over.

- Stop, stop. - Huh?

Stop. - Play it cool.

Play it cool. Play it cool.

- Hey, hey. - Hey, man, what's up?

- How are you? - Good.

Good. - Good.

- Hey.

- I never formally introduced myself

when we were in our undies or whatever.

- Right. [chuckles]

- Uh, I'm Greg. - I'm Melanie.

- Yeah, nice to meet you. - Yeah, nice to meet you, too.

- Uh, Danny, nice to see you. - Good to see you, too.

- Uh, do you guys want, uh, a drink or...

- Oh, sure, yeah. - Yeah?

- [yawns]

I just got tired. - Oh.

- I just got tired,

so I think I'm gonna get out of here.

I'ma go take a nice hot bath, just relax, you know,

'cause that's a cool thing to do.

- Wow, yeah, draw a bath. - So I'ma go.

I'm gonna draw a bath, but you two hang out, get wild.

[whispers] She wants to get a little wild.

- Oh, no. - Yeah you do.

Have fun. Have fun.

[chuckles] - [chuckles]

- Hey. - Hey.

- She's great. - Yeah, she's great.

- Yeah, I mean, this was her year, you know?

- Yeah, I bet. - Yeah.

I'm here to work, but-- - You are.

- Yeah. - Right, you're a referee.

- I am, yeah.

That's what I was trying to change into.

And I was trying to... - I know.

I'm so sorry about that.

- Tell you about that in the moment.

- I'm so sorry. - No, I'm sorry.

I'm still sorry.

- [chuckles] - Thanks, can I do this?

- Please, please.

Yes, it was very fun.

- Um...

[sighs] You look good in clothes.

- [chuckles]

So do you. - I'm sorry.

- Oh, thank you. Thank you.

- Thank you. - Hey.

To wearing clothes. - Yes.

- Or maybe not. - [laughs]

- I'm actually an umpire. - Oh.

- Yeah, for Major League Baseball.

But what about you? What are you into?

- Do you want to get a pretzel?

- Yeah, yeah.

- 'Cause I kind of have a thing for bread.

- Oh, oh, I love things for bread.

- Do you? - Yeah.

- Um, yeah, I really love it.

I actually have my own bakery. - Oh, that's awesome.

- Danny says that if bread were a person,

I'd make sweet love to it all night long.

Or--she does say that,

but I probably shouldn't have said that.

- Wow, then one pretzel, please.

- Okay. - [laughs]

- [chuckles]

- When they say Tabasco, I want Tabasco,

I want it to be hot. - I know.

I'm sorry I got the chili-- - Go ahead?

I don't know.

So would you, you know,

the pretzel or...

- Hmm, I'd definitely invite it up.

- Oh. - [chuckles]

- So it's got a chance. - Yeah.

- Wow. - Got a pretty good chance.

I mean-- - Okay.

- It's not a guarantee.

- It takes a little bit more work,

but I'm sure that-- - Um, I'm so sorry.

I have to go. I'm so sorry.

I'll talk to you soon.

- It's not--

I wasn't trying to say that I'm the pretzel.

- Ooh, my God, Jesus Christ!

- Danny. - Close your eyes!

Close your eyes. - Okay.

- Okay. - Okay, take me far--

Where'd you go?

Ooh, where'd you go? - Marco!

- Ooh, Polo! - Uh-oh, Marco!

- Ooh, Polo. - Marco.

- Ooh, Polo! - Marco.

- Ooh, bitch, I won! - Yeah, yeah, oh, shit, yeah.

This is my room.

Rip my coat off and grab my titty.

My left one. Yeah, there it is.

Yeah, here we go. - Ooh, I like the left one.

Ooh. - Get rid of this.

Get on me, baby! Fuck! - Danny?

- Oh, shit. - What's--

- Oh, fuck! - What's happening?

Carl? - Hey.

- Hi. - Yeah, you know Carl.

- What are you doing? - We--we were gonna have sex.

- No. What?

- Okay. - Hear me out.

Threesome.

- [laughs] - Yeah?

- I'm down. - Yeah!

- I'm not in!

- Come on, Mel. - Oh, come on.

- Out! - Okay.

- Out! - Okay, okay, okay.

- I don't want to go.

- I don't want you to go either,

but you got to.

I'll see you soon. - You promise?

- Yeah, I promise.

I dream about you often.

[chuckles] Not!

[door slams]

I dream about him often.

- [chuckles]

Did you have fun?

- I had a blast. How about you?

How'd everything go with Greg? - It was nice.

- It was nice?

Did you guys like, you know, do it?

- [laughs] No, we didn't do it.

- You didn't do it? - No!

- Come on, Mel. Why didn't you do it?

- We were out for, like, 30 minutes.

- Shit, that's plenty of time.

You could probably do it, like, twice.

- [laughs] - Or whatever.

- I don't know, Danny. - Okay.

- I've never done this before. - Isn't it fun, though?

- It's fun. - It's pretty fun, right?

- It's confusing. I don't know what to do.

- I'm confused most of the time.

- I don't know.

- And it's fun, like-- it's fun

if you're into hooking up and then being done

or if you're into hooking up

and being like, "Do we keep hooking up?"

Like, that's the best part of it.

- Yeah.

- One and done

or one and let's have some more fun?

- One and fun.

[both chuckle]

Okay, I'm gonna go to bed.

- No. - Yes.

- Okay, Mel.

- Good night. - Night, Mel.

Mel?

Mel? - What, Danny?

- Oh, are you awake? - Yes.

- Will you tell me a story?

- What do you want to hear?

- I want to hear the plot to "Twister"...

the director's cut.

- [chuckles] Okay.

Well,

Helen Hunt is a scientist... - [snores]

[snores, chokes]

- And there's a twister.

[energetic rock music]

♪ ♪

- So you got a thing for Greg, huh?

- What?

- Yeah, I saw you two last night,

hovering over your carbs with all the other fatties.

You know, pretzels metabolize straight into sugar.

- Oh. - Oh, no.

Keep eating 'em.

You'll be exhausted at the table.

- Yeah.

Uh, well, I'm just trying to get ready.

- [chuckles] Not that it even matters.

Greg would never be into a girl like you.

Greg likes strong women.

- I'm a strong woman.

- [sniffs]

I can smell your fear.

- That's confidence.

I'm confident.

You're smelling my confidence.

- Enjoy your stretch, princess.

- [sniffs]

Hmm.

[crowd cheering]

- Ready, set...

go.

[dramatic music]

Winner! - Yeah!

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

- Freaked Out!

- Freaked Out continues to rise up the ranks.

- I won! I won!

Yeah, yeah!

- Okay, so, after the prelims,

we go into single elimination.

- Mm-hmm. - That's big-time.

But she's killing it right now, so I think if she's just--

- Hey, hey. - Hey, Mel.

We were just looking at the prelim stuff,

and you are killing it! - Uh-huh.

- Look at you, your name is just moving up.

- Ah! - It's so cool!

- Yeah. Oh, God.

Oh, God, get rid of it.

Get rid of it! - Jerry, get rid of it!

Wait, why are we getting rid of it?

- Because Greg's over there.

I didn't tell Greg that I'm Freaked Out.

- Uh, it's pretty obvious.

- Yeah, I don't know why I didn't tell him, um.

- Mel, do you like him?

- Yeah.

- And you want to see him again, huh?

- Yes. - Mm-hmm, Mm-hmm.

Well, listen to your instincts.

Go over there and ask him out on a real date.

Come on.

I'm not telling you to marry him or anything.

Go have fun.

- Yeah.

Oh, should I go take a shower first?

- Don't worry. Jerry's on it.

- Oh! Oh, my God.

- Yeah. - Aluminum free.

- Yeah, I made it myself...

out of whale blubber.

[relaxed music]

♪ ♪

- So you're in the baseball world.

- Yes.

- I'm curious to know your thoughts

on baseball movies. - Oh.

- Are you for them? Are you against them?

- I am for them. - Okay.

I am for them. - You're pro baseball movies.

- I'm pro baseball mov-- for the entertainment.

So, like, the comedies-- like "Major League," love it.

- Oh, love "Major League." - Love me some "Major League."

- "Rookie of the Year"? - Of course.

Guilty pleasure...

- Let me guess. - On me.

- Let me guess.

both: "The Natural"

- Yes, yes! - Ah, is it really?

- Yes, it is.

But for very weird reasons, I love it.

- Yeah, I have my own weird reasons for loving it.

- You know, there's a baseball field, I think,

really close to here. - Oh, cool.

- You remember in "The Natural"

when he goes up to home plate?

- Yeah.

- He's still bleeding from an injury...

- Yes. - 30 years ago?

- [chuckles] - Oh!

Whoa! - Just run!

- I know.

I know that guy. I know that guy.

- You know that base? - I know the base guy.

[laughing]

Yes! [laughing]

Now go ahead.

Go.

♪ ♪

Safe.

Okay, one more game.

- I have this fantasy that it would be great

if you would help me...

- Okay. - Make it real.

- Okay.

- So it's after a game.

You've just, like, won a game. - Wow.

- Yeah. - Okay.

- And everybody's-- but everybody's gone.

- That happened fast, okay.

[laughs] - It's just you on the field,

and you're, like--you are the star of the game...

- Uh-huh.

- And I'm, like-- I'm a girl you like,

and I come into the field,

and I, like, lean up against the fence,

and then you, like, do this-- one of these things.

- Okay.

- And then you, uh-- - Like, one of these things?

What is this thing? I put my hand on the fence?

- Yeah. - Like this?

- Mm-hmm. - This is right?

- Yeah.

And then, I mean,

the story goes on in my head, and...

yeah, I mean, more stuff-- more stuff happens.

- Like what do you mean? What do you mean?

- You know, more stuff happens. You know...

- We talk? - We talk.

We talk and then other things,

and--but this is where it starts.

And the lighting's so beautiful,

I just thought we should-- - Is that happening now?

- Be a good place, so... - I mean--sorry.

- It can.

- Here, you try this side.

- Oh, I feel powerful. - Yeah, yeah.

- This is kind of a dominating position.

- It is. - Don't you think?

- I mean, I don't mind it.

But...

[tender music]

♪ ♪

[clattering]

Mel?

- Hey.

I hope it's okay. I raided your pantry.

I made biscuits.

- Oh, my God, wait.

Wait, you made that here just this morning?

- Mm-hmm.

I felt inspired and energized.

- Goodness. - Yeah.

- Mmm. Well, you look nice.

Good morning. - Morning.

- Is this one mine? - Yeah, if you want it.

- Let's eat.

[cell phone vibrating]

Oh, my gosh.

Hey, your phone's going crazy, huh?

- Yeah. Oh.

[sighs] Shoot, I have to go.

- What, why? No.

Just started-- I took one bite.

- I know. Um, okay.

I am competing

in the arm-wrestling tournament.

I'm Freaked Out.

- [chuckles] Yeah, I know.

- I wear a mask. How would--

- Oh, come on. It is a small mask.

I mean, it barely covers your face,

and I know this face.

I like this face, so... - Why didn't you say anything?

- Mm, I was just waiting for you to tell me, you know?

- I have to go. I'm so sorry.

- No, go, please.

- You know, I think--

I think I might change my persona.

I don't know that Freaked Out is right anymore.

Um...oh!

- I made you breakfast. - [laughs]

Thank you.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

Freaked Out has died.

In her place, The Breadwinner!

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

Boom! - Winner!

♪ ♪

- That's just pure excitement!

Oh!

- Winner!

- It's Wendy versus the Breadwinner.

- ♪ Good enough for you, yo ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Yeah!

- Go back to the deep blue sea, Killer Katie!

- Come on, Mel! Jerry--oh, fuck!

- We've got Rambae versus the Bonecrusher.

♪ ♪

- [growls]

- Winner!

- Come on, Joan!

- Bonecrusher wins again!

I've never seen arm wrestling like this!

- I want you to make a face that will fucking terrify me.

- [growls] - Whoa, yeah!

[crowd chanting] Bread, bread, bread, bread!

Bread, bread, bread, bread!

[both screaming]

♪ ♪

- Oh, yeah!

- [roars]

- Another victim for Bonecrusher!

[cheers and applause]

[both growling spookily]

The Maritime Murderer,

who looks like a ghost who died on a cruise.

[cheers and applause]

[crowd chanting] Bread, bread, bread, bread!

[cheers and applause]

- [screams]

- We're never gonna die, Mel!

- Go!

Oh, winner!

- Breadwinner wins again!

She advances to the semifinals

against Tessie the Tank. - Yeah!

- For some unknown reason,

that little bread bitch is beating everybody,

and now she's got Greg in her back pocket.

- Don't worry, I've been training like a fiend

for our match.

I won't disappoint you.

- Good, 'cause I want you to take her out.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Get the ref to pull the strap.

- What?

- Remember what I taught you? What to do with the buckle?

- I don't need to do that. I can beat her fair and square.

- Just do it!

Or I'll dump you

at that pathetic Dairy Queen drive-through window

where I found you.

[tense music]

- Okay.

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Set the wrist, ladies.

Hey, set your wrists!

- She won't set.

- I'm not doing it. You are doing it.

- No, she--

- Let's go. Let's go.

Come on, ladies, on the table.

Ladies, on your mats. Let's go.

[cheers and applause]

- Come on!

Are you kidding? - I'm not doing it!

[crowd shouting]

- Oh, shit!

The strap is out!

- It's--it's okay, Mel.

- On the table, ladies. Let's go.

Come on, let's do it.

- Tie 'em up!

Tie 'em up!

- You got this!

- You got this, Mel. This is nothing.

Don't worry about it, Mel.

- She's never done a strap. - Yeah, I know.

I know. I know.

- Go!

[soft dramatic music]

- [groaning in pain]

♪ ♪

[continues groaning]

[cheers and applause]

- Fuck!

- The winner, Tessie the Tank!

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

- Ah!

- Fucking bullshit!

God, what the fuck was that?

- Hey, what are you out here for?

Go and see your girl.

- Come on, you stupid bitch!

I'll kick your fucking ass!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Did you hear?

I'm in the finals tonight.

- Oh, yeah. Congratulations, that's great.

- How about some drinks tonight after I win?

- Oh, I'm actually dating somebody right now, so...

- [sighs] Don't tell me it's that bread bitch.

- Breadwinner.

And I wouldn't use the word bitch,

just 'cause I don't want to use that word anymore.

I feel like it's kind of overused and...

[grunting]

What are you doing?

Mel!

Mel, Mel, hey!

- What? - I'm sorry about that.

That whole thing with Brenda, it's a misunderstanding.

- No, you don't owe me an explanation for that.

- Oh. Wait, what happened to your hand?

Are you okay? - Yeah.

Well, no.

I'm really confused, you know? - Okay.

- This all feels like a mistake.

I have to-- I got to get out of here.

- Wait, Mel.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

- Mmm!

Mel, I got us some beers 'cause it is time to celebrate.

- What are you so happy about?

- I got some good news, Mel. - What?

- Carl saw what Tessie did to you,

so he disqualified her.

You're going up against Brenda the Bonecrusher.

It's time to take down that twat!

[laughs]

- Stop saying "twat." Danny, we're going.

- No, we aren't. - Yeah, we are.

- Uh-uh.

- Fine, if you won't drive me, I'll just take a train.

- What? A train?

No, Mel, come on.

You just have one more bout, dude.

- I'll take a train. I'm gonna go home.

I'ma get out of here. I'm not arm wrestling anymore.

I'm about to lose my bakery.

I'm getting involved with a guy that I barely know.

- Oh, hell, yeah. And you guys are a hot couple.

Have you seen that movie "Unfaithful"

where they have, like, that insane sex scene?

I've been kind of imagining that...

- Danny. - But with your guys's faces--

- Why can't you ever take anything seriously?

- Hey, I'm just trying to lighten the mood!

- Danny, I got hurt. I ripped my hand open.

Like, this is--there are real things happening.

It's not all...

fun and games.

Like, this whole thing is a disaster.

- Wait, no. We can't let Brenda win.

- I don't care about Brenda. I have a life outside of this.

I have things going on.

You might not, but I do,

and you've got me focused on all the wrong stuff.

- Oh, bullshit! It's been good for you!

- Good for me? - Yeah.

- Don't do that, Danny.

This is not for me. This is for you.

This is for you

so you can get revenge on the woman you hate.

- [scoffs] - Right?

- No-- - Isn't it, Danny?

You got me running around here

like some arm-wrestling freak, getting--

- Is that what you think I am? A freak?

Is it, Mel?

Oh, fuck, Mel.

Fuck off.

Go ahead, walk away.

Walk away like you always fucking do!

- I don't walk away. - [scoffs] Bullshit.

Anytime you can't deal with anything emotionally,

you just turn around and walk away

with a little tail between your legs.

- No, I don't. - Yes, you do.

- No, I don't. - Yes, you do.

It's between your legs right now...

- It is not.

- Sticking out like a little dick.

Just like this. - My tail is not a little dick.

- Yes, it is, go! - My tail is high!

- [scoffs] Your tail hasn't been high in years, Mel.

- It is right now. Take a good look at my asshole!

- Let me see. It's a dick tail...

poking out! - You're a dick tail!

- Dick tails, whoo-hoo!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- If she's not here by 8:00, she'll forfeit.

- Hell, yes.

- You're cool with that?

- I'll be the first ever arm wrestler

to win a grand slam.

- It's not really winning if you don't even compete.

- Shut the fuck up.

Do my shoulders.

- Yes.

♪ ♪

Um, it's hard with these things.

- Work around it. - Yes.

♪ ♪

- Hi, one.

[intercom chimes]

- Your attention, customers--

next train on track three...

- I'm just gonna go wherever and figure it out.

[laughter]

Oh, Sue.

Sue, you crack me up.

I mean, I've never been out of the country before.

- I don't get why, Dottie.

Friends forever, right? - Friends forever, yes.

- Hey, Danny. - Hey, Jerry.

- You okay? - No.

- Make that bread bitch bleed.

[laughter]

- Yeah. Yeah!

[laughter]

- Fuck, yeah!

I think I can feel her getting skinnier.

Yeah!

- Hey!

That's Melanie's costume.

- You got nothing else in your life,

do you, Danny?

Well, you couldn't wrestle,

so you dragged your silly, little friend here

to wrestle for you.

Pathetic.

Turns out, she's a loser just like you.

- Oh, good one!

- Jerry, beer me.

- Get her! Sic her!

[energetic music]

- Oh, Jerry, God damn it!

♪ ♪

Oh, my God!

[screams] Ugh!

Oh, no, oh, no!

♪ ♪

- Who's dominating now, huh?

♪ ♪

- It is finally time for our grand finale!

[cheers and applause]

Tonight someone will walk away

with $15,000!

[cheers and applause]

Who will be our champion?

Sit tight.

We're just moments away from the grand championship!

- Danny!

Oh, my God!

- Mel? - Danny, what happened?

- What are you doing here?

You should be on your way back to Kansas.

- Jerry called me. Are you okay?

- God damn it, Jerry.

I got in a fight with Brenda.

- Danny, this crazy vendetta against Brenda

is not worth getting hurt like this.

- Oh.

- Hey, Danny, take these for later.

- Oh, thank you.

- Is she gonna be okay?

- She's a little beat up, but she'll be okay.

- Yeah.

- Why are you still wearing that?

I told you before that you don't need it.

- What? I don't understand. Don't need what?

- Eh...

Mel, I don't-- My wrist is fine.

- What?

- After your first bout, I had Lauren check it out,

and it's totally healed.

- Then why am I doing this?

Why aren't you doing this whole tournament?

- To be very honest, it started off

as just I wanted revenge,

and you were a part of my plan,

but then I saw you out there just, oof,

fucking destroying people left and right

and just becoming this...

this Melanie that I knew long ago.

- So you did this for me?

- Yeah.

- That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

- Yeah, man.

[sighs]

You're badass. [chuckles]

You're fucking badass, dude. - I am badass.

- You're a badass, and you're back!

- And you know what? - What?

- I'ma go kick her ass!

- You're gonna beat the shit out of her!

- On the table. - We'll get a knife.

- No, we won't get a knife. - What?

- I'm gonna do it in a regulated...

- Of course.

- Safe way. - Of course.

- But I'm gonna kick that twat's ass!

- [laughs] Ah, she doesn't give a shit.

You're back! - Yeah, let's go!

- Tonight we find

our ladies arm-wrestling champion!

[cheers and applause]

In this corner...

There's legends in every sport.

There's Air Jordan, there's Iron Mike,

and there is Brenda the Bonecrusher!

[energetic rock music]

- [growls wildly]

- And her opponent came out of nowhere

to take the arm-wrestling world by storm,

and if you can't take the heat,

get out of her kitchen.

It's the Breadwinner!

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

[crowd chanting] Bread, bread, bread, bread!

bread, bread, bread, bread, bread,

bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

- Yeah, Mel, come on!

You got this! - Yeah, come on, Mel!

- This championship bout is best two out of three!

[cheers and applause]

- Wrestlers ready...

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- Scared yet?

- I was born scared.

- Set...

Go!

[cheers and applause]

- You can do it! Come on, Mel, you got this!

[cheers and applause]

You did it! Just one more.

Just one more. You got this.

♪ ♪

- You can do it, Brenda.

♪ ♪

- Scared yet?

- Fuck off.

- Set...

Go!

- Here we go now! - Yeah!

- Go, go, go, go, go!

- Come on, Brenda!

- Keep your form, Mel!

Mel, you're in break-arm position!

No!

[arm snaps] - Ow!

- Yeah!

[crowd cheering and shouting]

- Aah!

♪ ♪

[whimpering]

- You're doing great. I'll be right back.

- Aah! Aah!

- [gagging]

- Don't get--ugh. - Oh, fuck!

[both gagging]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I've never seen anything look like that before.

- What does it look like? Is it bad?

- Yeah, it's bad. Don't look at it.

- I have to look. - What?

- I have to look. - Please don't look at it.

No, you don't. Don't look at it, please.

Please don't look--

[both screaming]

Why did you look at it?

Ew!

Ew, Mel! Oh, my God!

Mel!

- [sobs]

- I want to give you a hug, but I'm scared it's gonna--

oh--fuck that up!

Mel, I'm so sorry I did this to you.

I fucked up!

This is all my fucking fault. I'm so sorry.

- Danny, no, no, no.

It's not your fault. - What?

- For the first time in my life,

I feel like I'm in my life, you know?

Like, I feel like I'm living,

like I'm making choices, and I'm breaking things.

[screams] - [gagging]

Oh, my God.

- I'm so grateful to you.

I'm so thankful. - What?

- I know this seems really bad,

but it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

- Whoa.

- And I wouldn't have done it if it weren't for you,

and I'm just so, so, so thankful

that you pushed me to do this.

Oh, I didn't want to disappoint you,

and I'm sorry that I didn't win.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

You didn't disappoint me.

Did you see what you did out there?

You fucking destroyed it.

I've never seen anything like that before!

I'm so fucking proud of you.

- Thank you, Danny.

- And this--

none of this is worth it, you know?

This is worth-- [both gag]

I fucking looked.

None of this is worth it, okay? - All right. Okay.

- And it's okay to walk away.

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm gonna go tell them that you're out, okay?

Then we'll get you fixed up.

[spirited music]

♪ ♪

Hey, man, she's out.

Her arm was really messed up.

- I'm gonna have to give it to Bonecrusher.

- Yeah.

[microphone feedback whines] Fuck.

- ♪ Tell 'em it's just a matter of time ♪

♪ It's just a matter of time ♪

♪ Goddamn, we're coming back strong ♪

♪ Ain't nobody, and down we roll ♪

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Whoa! Oh, my God!

♪ ♪

- ♪ You're gonna thank me later ♪

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Mel, are you sure you want to do this?

- I'm not gonna walk away anymore.

- Okay, you can't grip the pin,

so use your foot as an anchor!

- She's back, ladies and gentlemen.

Not even a broken arm can stop her.

[scattered cheers]

[dramatic rock music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God.

- So who the hell are you now?

♪ ♪

- Go!

[crowd shouting]

- [chuckles]

- I am Golden Arm.

- Golden Arm! - Golden Arm, whoo-hoo!

[crowd chanting] Golden Arm!

Golden Arm! Golden Arm!

Golden Arm!

Golden Arm! Golden Arm!

Golden Arm!

- [screams]

[cheers and applause] - Winner!

[triumphant music]

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God, you did it!

Holy shit, Jerry, she fucking did it!

♪ ♪

She fucking did it!

♪ ♪

[crowd chanting] Golden Arm! Golden Arm!

Golden Arm! Golden Arm!

Golden Arm!

Golden Arm! Golden Arm!

Golden Arm!

Golden Arm! Golden Arm!

Golden Arm!

[crowd shouting]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Ready, set, go!

[shouting continues]

♪ ♪

[upbeat electronic music]

♪ ♪

- [coughing] - Call my dad.

- [coughs] - Is someone?

- Oh.

- Danny.

- [coughs] My choker's too tight.

[coughs] - [chuckles]

- Yeah, Bonecrusher!

- I don't think there's a camera there.

♪ ♪

- Mouthy ones.

Ooh, some of them were talkers.

♪ ♪

- Hey! - [muffled speech]

♪ ♪

- Ooh! - I'll fuck you in a car!

[laughs] Yeah!

- I don't even know if I'm supposed to be back here.

- Probably not.

♪ ♪

- I'm already here, though.

- My aunt can do this, and she's got a hook.

Come on.

♪ ♪

- [spits] What the fuck is in this?

- Tobacco spit.

[cans hissing] - Ooh!

- [screams]

- I'm gonna throw up. - Oh, yeah.

- Mel is Golden Arm.

I mean, it's amazing.

- Some guys, they like little waves.

Some guys, they like, you know, women they can carry.

No, carry me, carry me.

I want to be the little spoon.

- That's what I'm talking about.

- I really like Jerry.

He's so sweaty.

I bet he'd be really slippery.

- I got just a little Frisbee, you know,

in case you want to have fun with that,

and a light if it gets dark.

[chuckles]

I got tongs. Always need good tongs.

- When I first met Danny, I saw myself in her.

I--she felt like a young Randy.

But, um, I was never that stupid.

- Maybe she's jealous, you know?

I... [inhales sharply] I hate that.

I hate the thought of that,

but she is weird about her scones, right?

Am I right? I mean, she's weird.

- Watch this, guys. Watch this.

Wait.

[chuckling] Pretty cool, huh?

I can do it with almost any pair of glasses.

- Star Arena, turns out, is built on an ancient ocean,

so that's where I come from.

Just sort of emerged out of some kelp, seaweed, coral,

and now this is a women's arm-wrestling arena,

and turns out I fit in pretty good.

- So you know what I say to all you ladies out there?

Don't be afraid!

Crush, crush, crush the world!

[screaming wildly]

- Labes out!

- All right, ladies and gentlemen,

and that was the legend of the Golden Arm.

So...

movie's over.

You can all go now.

Just go on. Get out of here.

And pick up after yourself on the way out.

Have a little consideration for the people that work here.

Thank you very much.

That's it, go.