Original subtitles

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day. This is...

Wow, you definitely have very original ideas for dates.

Well, you said to surprise each other,

and what I think I'm hearing is that the surprise worked.

Unless you're using "original" as a euphemism.

Oh, no, I absolutely am.

Well, maybe you should be direct and say what you mean.

Wait, so, like, don't hide things from each other.

Is that what you're saying?

Hi! Happy Valentine's Day!

All is forgiven, and everything's out in the open,

and all of the fake dating-Nathan tension is over.

Also, there are sledgehammers in the room.

Right, 'cause I wasn't wounded enough the first time.

You bitch!

Okay, are you ready to beat the shit out of stuff or what?

Don't miss and accidentally bludgeon me.

Can I bludgeon you just a little?

I knew this would be good.

I'm genuinely excited for you to unleash

all your rage right now!

Okay, let's fuck shit up.

What's something that you hate?

Lies.

Again for the people in the back!

I hate lies and liars!

I want to see.

Show me! No.

Are you so thirsty for me right now?

You are! Let me see.

It was supposed to be a surprise for later.

Oh. I am so into you.

Oh, my gosh, oh, my God. Oh, okay.

Where are you taking me?

I'm not telling you.

It's a surprise.

Come on.

Hi. Riley: Hi!

I tried Chester, but his phone isn't on.

That's 'cause I'm a good boyfriend.

Hi! Hi, Bo. You guys look so cute!

Aww, thanks.

Are you guys still not coming to this pre-party?

Um, no, 'cause we are in love

and we don't want to see other people.

But we'll see you at the dance.

I hope you both die slow, painful deaths.

Violent.

Love me!

I have abandonment issues.

Who are you talking to?

I'm on with everyone. Say hi!

Hi!

Hi.

-Hi! -Hi.

Wow, Greta, you look great.

Who's gonna get blackout tonight?

Me! Arianna: Also, who at the school do you think

is gonna lose their V-card tonight?

Maggie Graves!

Oh, shit. Oh, my God.

I will call you back.

Okay.

I am so happy that we are not in the chaos of that right now.

This was the perfect choice to come here.

You always say you love an indoor/outdoor illusion.

Mm! He pays attention to me.

Oh.

How was the bathroom?

Good? Hmm.

Uh, our table's up there.

Okay.

By the way, I did not think

I'd love smashing stuff as much as I did.

It felt so good to just, like...

Yes! ...let things out and, like, not hold anything back.

I love it.

If I could just live my life like that.

Why not start now?

Yeah? Yes.

Wait, for real? Yes.

Should we just, like, be really honest with each other

and just, like, not hold anything back?

Yes, oh, my God, yes, yes.

Let's go. Test me.

Okay, um...

Do you think I'm a little basic?

No, obviously not.

What about my style, though?

No, I think that you are absolutely adorable right now.

Right now, but what about, like, day to day?

Like, outside of the dance?

Mm!

I think that everybody dresses basic compared to me.

That's honest. Mm-hmm.

Look at she!

Okay, go. I want another one.

Do you think I'm a good kisser?

Yes, I actually do.

Thank God. Okay.

Do you have any weird sexual fantasies?

Ooh! Okay.

Um...

I kind of always wanted to get a blowjob in the shower.

That's it? Oh, is that boring?

Uh... What is yours then?

I kind of want to...

tie you up.

Um, security?

Okay, one more. Go. I'm loving this.

Uh, did you just go in the bathroom to check your texts?

You're a cunt.

Also, I think we should go to the pre-party.

No, why? It'll be fun.

What happened to being honest?

I think you would love it, and that would honestly

actually make it fun for me.

That is truly the most romantic thing

that anyone has ever said to me.

Toxic ladies always have the nicest houses.

Oh, wait. Uh, did you...

Did you tell Nathan that I'm coming, too?

Of course, he knows if I'm coming, you're coming.

No, but did you say it specifically?

Wilson: Don't tell me that I'm the one, I'm the one.

Just, you tell me!

Nathan: Hello? Chester: Hi. It's me.

Are you good if we come, meaning Bo and me?

Yes, of course.

Great.

Hi! -Uh, hi.

Bo: So nice of you to have us.

So, we're doing full-on, straight-up, 100% honesty.

Do you have any issue with Bo or me being with Bo? God.

I'm putting you on speakerphone.

I seriously have no issue.

Even though we all know you used to have feelings for me

and we used to be fake dating?

Um, yes, I have no issue

because we have no connection except as friends.

-Zero romantic connection. -Exactly.

I'm... I'm basically throwing up

thinking about us being anything but friends.

Same. I'm gagging.

Like, in a bad way.

Okay, thank you. Goodbye.

Bye. Yes. Love you as a friend only.

Oh, shit. Um, I'll be right back.

Janelle: Embarrassing.

Oh, my God! Hi! Oh lá lá.

Hey, thank you for having us.

Well. Ha ha.

No, the more, the merrier.

I never know what's going on.

Your house is so nice.

Oh, my gosh, that photo backdrop is iconic.

Yeah, well, it's a reminder of how differently my husband

and I see the world.

-Hi! -Hey!

Oh, my God, you look so good!

Thank you.

-Hello! Hi! -Hi, mama!

Not at all related to the drugs

and the alcohol that's fucking

with my mind right now, I'm so happy to see you guys.

Do you know why I love you?

I mean, there's, like, a million reasons that pop into my head.

Yeah, but... Hi. Um, something happening

you need to come deal with.

Wait, can a bitch praise me first?

Guys, there's cake pops!

Oh, shoot.

Do you think they're the happiest ones here

or the saddest?

You are legit mad at them. Duh.

They threw away an entire sisterhood

because a wavy-haired man-child existed.

Should I confront them?

I decided I'm gonna confront them.

Not tonight, though. Okay.

'Cause I have respect for society.

But soon. -Well, we support you.

You let bitches know.

Bitches will be let known.

Bitches are already letting things be known

that shouldn't be known, and that's all I'll say.

What things? And what bitches?

I'm not saying any more except that the bitch is Naomi

and the thing is The Thing,

and she straight-up told Cooper on Percocet.

Oh, shit. Wait, really?

So now we have a ticking time bomb

in the form of a straight twink.

I'm, like, kinda stunned by this.

Yeeep.

And drugs be drugs, but betrayal be betrayal.

Let's go before I get hostile with my ex.

Megan: I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

but it's fine. The jacket's fine.

Why is Valentine's Day always destined

for everything to go to fucking shit?

No, don't say that. What's wrong?

I don't want to get into it.

I can see in your Nathan-y eyes that you need human touch,

but if your mom saw me hug you, she would actually stab me.

I can give you a pretend hug, though.

That would be really nice.

Okay.

I'm pretend hugging you right now,

and it's making today feel a little less shitty.

I felt the hug.

And, um, thank you.

Hi. Um, I'll catch you guys later.

Okay. Hey, are you okay?

Mm-hmm.

Was she just cunty to you?

'Cause I will be so cunty to her.

No.

Seriously, what did she say?

No, um, uh...

Di... Did you, um...

I don't think she knows the whole thing was made up.

Well, yeah, I'm sure he just said,

like, "We broke up," you know?

Oh, okay.

I didn't get that, 'cause, yeah, she was kind of like,

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

Oh. But now I get why.

I'm sorry.

I'd bet actual money she's a Capricorn, though.

Hmm?

Did you tell her? Like, I don't care,

but, like, you know, for Nathan's sake...

No, definitely.

He's, um...

He's great.

I...

What's going on?

Fuck.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

But, like, for what?

Megan: Everybody, come on!

Let's just take this picture now, okay?

Hi. Hey. Um, what's happening, huh?

Young woman: Come on! Chester! Let's go!

-Ready? -Okay, guys. Come on.

Let's go take a picture. We're in Paris.

Mark: Okay, on three.

Everyone say... Young man: No, this shit's kind of awesome.

..."L'amour is in the air."

One. Two.

Three.

Are we good?

Together: L'amour is in the air!

Oh, muddersucker!

Megan:

Oh, it looks like God might be on my side for this one.

Yeah, I wasn't exactly taking into account

the whole wind factor.

Nathan, come help your father.

What?! You know how I feel about this backdrop, Mark.

It's this ironic comedy thing.

I just don't understand.

And does it have to be just front and center like this?

Wait, are we actually using this thing?

Your father wants to.

Sick.

Aha. See?

"Sick" means good.

I told you... I got the instinct.

If by "instinct" you mean the design sense

of a teenager, then I couldn't agree more.

But people will still use this

if it's just a little tucked behind the pool house, right?

Probably not.

Are you sure you agree with that?

With... myself? Yeah.

Okay, you know what? Do what you want.

You will anyway.

I don't understand why this backdrop bothers you so much.

Because I put a lot of work into this party, Mark.

And when you say, "Why can't we have this tacky eyesore"

in the middle of everything?" and just dismiss

all my hard work... I'm not.

I'm not dismissing all your work.

I'm just saying that maybe since this is a party for the kids,

it might be worth doing something they enjoy.

Right, because you know them so well.

'Cause I'm trying to.

Hi. Do you need any help with the camera stuff?

Did Megan send you?

No.

Um... Oh, yeah, okay.

No, it's... Um, everything's turning out white.

Um, can I look?

Yeah, yes.

Thanks for... for being such a good friend to Nathan.

Oh, my God, no, he's...

He's the one who's a good friend to me.

I would literally be living in a ditch if it wasn't for him.

Really?

Yeah.

He's...

Yeah, he's amazing.

Ah.

I think it might be the shutter speed.

Yeah, God, that's so nice to hear.

I mean... I mean, like, I know he's...

He's... he's a really good kid,

but, like, you never show your whole self to your family.

And, I mean, I know that's what it is to be a teenager, but...

Sometimes I just... I just want to say,

"Hey, I want to know the other parts of you, too."

Mm-hmm.

But you can't say that.

Oh, okay.

I think it is fixed.

Mm. Okay. Yeah.

Thanks. I will see you later.

Hi! Mwah! Bonjour. Mwah.

How are you? Welcome to your party.

Our party? This is your party.

Yeah, uh-huh, because you swindled us

into hosting it, mister.

Ah, well, how is Naomi with the whole three-person...

whatever you call it? My living nightmare?

Great. Thanks for reminding me.

Arianna was all torn up about it.

We keep telling her, "Hon, it's just a mean girl"

sexual phase your friends are going through." Ah.

Pat. What? It's Megan.

We can be honest. Anyway, happy Valentine's Day.

-Thank you. -Doing anything after?

Well, just taking the love of my life

to our fave little romantic eatery.

-Mm-hmm. -Oh, that's sweet.

This holiday's Fight City for us.

Oh, who believes in romance after 40 anyway?

I do.

If I want a little something-something later

'cause it's Valentine's Day, is that too crazy to hope for?

Oh. That's your definition of romance?

I mean... My definition of romance is something pleasant

between a husband and a wife. That's it.

The bar is as low as it could possibly be,

yet I'm the only one still holding it up.

Wow, this is one cynical crowd.

Hey, we just haven't started drinking yet.

Alright, well, you fix that.

I'm gonna go take some more pictures of the young folks...

Megan: Yeah. ...who still think life is worth living.

You do that, honey.

You go "hang out" with the teenagers and be sick together.

Young woman: Oh! That is so cute!

Young woman #2: Oh, my God, wait.

Young woman #3: Oh.

Great, and just what... You know.

Dad, don't direct.

Just... Just pretend I'm not here.

Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Can I... It's fine. I'm fine. No.

...get a napkin? Please. No, it's fine.

Let me. This is totally my fault. Just stop.

Thank you. It's really fine. I should...

Just stop!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I'm fine.

The jacket's fine.

It's just, you know, you can imagine.

Sure.

Um, wait...

Look, I don't blame you

or hold it against you at all, you know?

I really don't.

I'm 1,000 years old.

I'm very slow,

but this date-it-and-replace-it generation

of yours is just...

He's my son, you know?

So, you know, of course my talons come out.

But Chester just broke Nathan's heart.

And here he is.

Eating the oysters.

Dad, come take photos of us.

Alright.

Should I? Yeah, no, wait, you come here.

Yeah, get in there.

Alright, okay.

-Are you okay? -Alright.

Dad, I really don't think that's gonna be a good angle.

Can you just, like, do normal?

What... What's normal?

Just normal!

Alright. Normal.

Bo: No, um...

-Oh. -That's great.

Oh, okay. You look great.

How long has Chester been dating that boy?

-Like... -Yeah,

well, you don't have to

Yeah, do that, but, like, point up to it or something.

Oh!

The Eiffel Tower. -Oh, yeah.

Oh, no. Where... Where did that come from?

I want the backdrop gone.

What?

I don't understand why you feel the need

to torture me like this, but I want it gone.

What just happened, Meg? Please just take it down!

The kids like it.

Well, the kids like a lot of things

that they will later grow to hate and be very ashamed of,

and this is one thing I am very certain about.

Please, please.

I am asking you to listen to me just this once.

Please. Tell me what just happened.

Take it down. No!

It makes the kids happy.

I want the kids to be happy.

Okay, gotcha.

We'll just go on living a big fucking lie.

Come on, everybody!

Let's just take these pictures now, okay?

Young woman: Come on! Chester! Let's go!

Young man: Okay, guys. Come on.

Let's go take a picture. We're in Paris.

Okay, you ready?

On three.

Everybody say, "L'amour is in the air."

One. Two.

Three.

Together: L'amour is in the air!

Riley: Oh, shit.

Oh, I will call you back.

Oh, muddersucker!

Do you think Greta heard me when I said she looked great?

Nathan: I don't know.

She's probably just still mad at me.

I was such a bitch to her last week.

Nathan, come help your father. What?!

My poor dad. You know how I feel about this backdrop, Mark.

I think something's up with him.

He keeps looking at me weird, like he wants to have some kind

of, like, deep, meaningful conversation with me,

and I'm just like, "Um, hi, please leave me alone."

...be just front and center like this?

Wait, are we actually using this thing?

Your father wants to.

Sick. Aha. See?

Mark: "Sick" means good. Riley:

I told you... I got the instinct.

Megan: If by "instinct" you mean the design sense

of a teenager, then I couldn't agree more.

But people will still use this

if it's just a little tucked behind the pool house, right?

Probably not.

Are you sure you agree with that?

With... myself? Yeah.

Okay, you know what? Do what you want.

You will anyway.

I don't understand why this backdrop bothers you so much.

Because I put a lot of work into this party...

Hey, um, do you have any of those gummies left?

Mm, I think maybe in my safe.

Okay, 'cause tonight's gonna be stressful,

and now that I have anxiety or whatever, um,

I'm probably gonna need to self-medicate.

Wait, that's your safe?

Stealth.

It's okay that I said what I said to Cooper, right?

Honestly, no. Right, obviously.

That was really bad of me, but I was on drugs,

so it would be worse to admit it

'cause it wasn't even intentional.

It just happened, right?

Yeah, but it doesn't really matter

that it wasn't intentional... Exactly!

It wasn't. You're so right.

I've been, like, beating myself up over it

'cause I'm me, but I shouldn't let myself feel guilty about it.

Megan: Riley.

Hi. Could you come down and help Mark with his camera, please?

Thank you.

And act like I didn't say anything, okay?

Thanks for the gummy.

Bo: Your house is so nice.

Chester: That photo backdrop is iconic.

Megan: Yeah, well, it's a reminder of how differently

my husband and I see the world.

Chester: Hi! Bitch, Look at you! You look so good!

Thank you.

-Hello! -Hi, mama!

Not at all related to the drugs

and the alcohol that are fucking

with my mind right now, I'm so happy to see you guys.

Do you know why I love you?

I mean, there's, like, a million reasons that pop into my head.

Yeah, but... Hi. Um, something happening

you need to come deal with.

Wait, can a bitch praise me first?

Oh!

Riley: Oh, my God, these gummies are so fucking strong.

Okay, so, uh, basically, your dad's outside.

With Janelle.

What?

H-He's here?

Yeah.

Janelle: Right now, right here. Right now...

in the best way that we can possibly... All right, will you just let me... Calm down

and let me... -What are you doing here?!

I knew you should've told her.

Look, your mom was invited, but she elected not to come,

so we delayed our trip, and... and now we're here.

Look, girl, my parents, they were shit

at showing up for me, so...

Okay, thank you. Thank you very much.

Please go.

Whoa, listen. Hold on.

Hey, this has got to stop! Hey, honey.

Janelle and I are together, okay?

Awesome.

You're not coming in.

Sweetie, sweetie...

Also, this is not what showing up is!

That's... That's...

No, I-I just... I kind of feel like my parents might miss it.

They're not going to.

Also, we can just fill it back up with water after.

Drink. Drink it.

I'm sorry about your dad coming.

I fucking hate him.

And then there's your dad, who's, like, so sweet.

Drink.

Fucking drink.

I see my dad, I'm like, "You're an asshole,

and you treat my mom like shit,

and then I just end up doing

the same shitty things that you do."

It's so fucked up how you just, like, hate your parents.

You hate them so much, and then you just, like, are them.

You're not him. I am.

No, you're not. You're fine.

Really? Because that night that Greta freaked out on me,

I hooked up with... Luz.

So, you see?

I don't have to be fucked up to do bad things.

I just do them.

What?

It's... It's just, um, why... why wouldn't you tell me?

Because it's not about you.

Okay, but I tell you everything.

Oh, my God! I'm telling you this huge thing

and you're just mad because I didn't tell you sooner!

Also, you're... you're judging me for drinking,

but you do nothing but get shitfaced all the time!

Fuck.

Arianna: Drugs be drugs,

but betrayal be betrayal.

Nathan: Um, I'll catch you guys later.

Chester: Okay.

Um...

What's wrong with me?

'Cause, like, I thought that...

I, like, thought that you liked me,

so just, like, what's... What's wrong with me?

Nothing.

Um, there's nothing wrong with you.

Actually...

I-I-I wanted to tell you that... Hi.

Having fun?

I-I'm gonna...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm good.

Oh, good.

You still don't want to tell your parents

about our little heart-to-heart, huh?

Um, no, I just... I have to...

Yeah, I'll just talk to them.

Okay.

God. You know, that boy,

he's lucky I'm as reserved and conflict-averse as I am,

because in another world,

I would go over there with a broomstick

and I would run off any kid who broke my son's heart.

What?

What?

Oh, n... Um,

no, the broomstick thing was... That was funny.

No.

That's not it.

Something's not right.

I don't know.

It's a mother thing, you know? You...

You know something's off.

You're just not sure what the off thing is.

H...

How long has Chester been dating that boy?

Uh...

Um...

Oh.

I see.

So Nathan made it all up.

No. Uh... No.

Can you just...

Can you not... Can you not say anything?

Can you please?

Mark: Oh, yeah. Uh, no. W-Where did that come from?

I want the backdrop gone.

Hi, hi. I-I am so sorry. Hi.

That was literally, like, so shitty of me.

I-I would never judge you,

and the whole time we've known each other,

you've done nothing but, like, accept me and not judge me,

and that's, like, the literal definition of friendship.

So, um...

Here.

Megan: Makes the kids happy. I want the kids to be happy.

Um... Just go on

living a big fucking lie.

Um... Okay, everybody!

Let's just take this picture now, okay?

I have to tell you... Come on.

Girl: Come on! Let's go!

Boy: Oh, my God. Okay, come on,

let's go take our picture. Mark: Okay, everybody.

We're embarrassed! On three.

Everybody say, "L'amour is in the air."

One, two...

There's something I kinda know that I kinda need to tell you.

...three. L'amour is in the air! All: L'amour is in the air!

⇒ PeradoxSRJ