Original subtitles

- Hey, Mike! - Hey, Rudy!

Where's your dad?

Ah, nice!

And he left you out here on the boat, all alone.

- Are you the captain? - Yes.

Cool. Oh, wait a minute.

This is the boat, then I'm in the ocean.

Oh, my goodness. I can't get up.

It's so slippery!

I'll come up the side!

Oh, my goodness. Rudy.

When I was your age,

all these wood chips were trees.

Bruton. Mike. Mike Bruton, hey.

- Hey, Dave. - Hey, How are you?

- Good. How're you doin'? - Oh, yes. Great to see you, man!

Oh!

- How's everything? - Good...

Ah, you look great. You look great.

- Thanks. Not bad yourself. - Thank you. Thank you.

So what... what, are you visiting?

Yeah, just in town for a little bit,

I was up in, uh, upstate before that

and then living in the city.

That's awesome that you live in the city.

- Yeah. - That's huge. You know, me...

me and Ed, we always talk about you all the time.

Like, remember? Remember that time

that we... we ended up on the soccer field

and you wrecked the whole field doing the zig-zags in the grass

- and then Mr. Kennedy came? - Yeah.

- What an idiot. - Yeah, definitely. Mr. Kennedy is the worst.

- I meant me. - Ah... Remember, it was really muddy that day?

- Yeah. - Hey, wait a second.

Are you still with the... the circus?

I was until recently.

Ah, recently. Come on, once a clown, you're always a clown, right?

- Yeah, I guess so. - Why don't you...

- why don't you do something, you know? - No.

Come on, do one of the clown things.

- No. - Come on, do something.

- No. - Just do something. What's the big deal?

No.

- Come on, Mike. - No, I don't want to do a trick.

Listen, when I was a kid,

I never got to see the circus, you know?

All right, I'll do a trick.

Nice.

What... That was amazing.

That was so cool!

- Rudy? Rudy, did you see that? - Yeah.

- Did you see that? - Yeah.

- Hey, Dave. - Yeah.

I'm sorry I didn't make it to your wedding.

Oh, don't worry about that.

- It's cool. We're... divorced already. - Really?

Yeah, after ten months, it just didn't work out.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, she was, um,

she's like a frickin' weirdo, you know?

Really?

Yeah, I should've never got involved in the first place.

But, hey, man, listen, why don't you come by sometime?

We'll get some beers.

I'll invite Ed over. You know, we'll all hang out.

It'll be great. What do you think?

Yeah. Well, I'm not drinking right now.

Well, I'm not drinking at all.

Well, that's... that's, uh, too bad for you.

Well, right.

All right. Listen, why don't you let me know when you are drinking?

- Get in touch. - Yeah.

- And then we'll do this, you know. - Great.

I'll invite Ed over, like I said.

And we'll all get together and have some beers.

- All right, I'll see you, Dave. - Call me when you get home.

- Bye, Rudy. - I'll call Ed.

- See you. - All right.

- You know we have a front door. - I know.

Hey, buddy.

Good to see ya.

- You just get back? - I did.

- How was it? - Quite sobering.

- Danny, I can't recommend it enough. - Uh-huh.

The food there was delicious.

There was this one meat dish, turned out to be mushrooms.

Hi, Nor!

Norah, have you noticed your brother's arrived?

Hi.

- Hi, Norah. How are you? - I'm good.

Oh! What?

Norah, I thought you were gonna stand up into that hug.

Oh, no.

- Norah's stuck in her robot-folding-laundry-mode. - Oh, no.

The only thing to break the spell...

is a dance, Norah.

Norah, come on, dance!

Oh, Norah.

- Hey, Nor. Nor. Hey, Nor. - Nor. Hey, Nor.

- Nor. Hey, Nor. - Nor. Norah.

What?

Have you seen this?

I'm a hula girl on the dashboard.

Whoa!

Oh, no!

Oh, no! I'm on a boat, Norah!

Oh, no!

- I got you. Love you, Nor. - Love you, too.

- Is Pop Pop home? - Oh, yeah.

- We don't let him get out much these days. - Mmm.

We sent him to the grocery store a couple weeks ago,

and he came back with so much mayonnaise.

Seriously, a ton of mayonnaise, right, Nor?

- Seriously. - The bottle was the size of my body. Right, Nor?

Mmm-hmm.

- Where is he now? - In the kitchen, with his pears.

- Oh, nice. - Be warned...

- he has had a few mini-strokes lately. - Oh.

Small ones. Just...

Does he look like Mom used to look like?

So nice to see you boys.

How do I look?

I'm having trouble 'cause I had a stroke.

- No, he looks regular. - Okay.

- Well, purple... - Mmm.

...and old as hell, but regular.

- Don't look at his feet! - I won't.

Pop Pop!

Oh, hello.

Pears.

So, uh...

I, uh...

I just wanted to come by...

and, uh...

say sorry.

I guess the good news is that I can go back to Canada in seven years.

The bad news is, I can't go to Canada for seven years.

I don't know why Canada cares so much.

Anyway, I asked them if I could just do the U.S. tour,

and they said no, but...

I'm sure I'll land on my feet.

I do have circus skills.

But, um...

And I wanted to say thank you for the loan.

I plan on... I'm gonna pay that back to you.

And I think it was very helpful to have a real lawyer,

um, kind of smooth everything over.

So I'm sorry and thank you.

And I'm excited for... a fresh start.

This one comes from Argentina.

You're right. That is a lot of mayo.

Hey, you wanna go to Uncle Frank's?

Oh, Uncle Frank's.

I got a special bottle

of non-alcoholic apple cider I've been saving for you.

- Mmm. - We can get some pizza.

We can do some toasts of apple fizzy water.

That does sound great, but I can't do it.

- What? Why? - Well, I gotta line up work,

meet up with folks... and find a place to live.

- You just got here, man. - Yeah, but I got shit I wanna do.

You don't think I got shit I wanna do?

- Go do it. - No, I can't go do it.

The shit I have to do is around here

because nobody else will do it.

- Right, Nor? - Right.

- Fine, I'll stay here. - Just go.

I will cancel all of the plans in my life.

You wanna cancel all the plans in your life too, Nor?

Possibly.

Don't know.

Don't take it out on the house, man.

Just get out of here.

- Fine. I'll go. - Good.

- I'll be back. - Okay, whatever.

I gotta show you some of my drawings.

- Okay. Great... I can't wait. - I'm a drawer now.

Mom, you gotta stop going to Kosher Emporium.

Jeff, tell mom she's gotta stop going to Kosher Emporium.

Mom, you gotta stop going to Kosher Emporium.

This is $27.

Why is this $27? These are radishes.

Yoo-hoo!

- So what do you think? - Ooh!

Um, it's a little tight in the shoulders.

But you wanted to try on the Picasso-y looking dress.

- I don't know, I kinda like this one now. - Okay.

- Yeah. - The colors are fabulous. It looks... great on you.

- Thank you. Oh, okay. - I just feel like the shape could be better.

- Oh. Well... - Emily...

- Jeff. - What do you think?

You're giving me a Gertrude Stein kind of vibe.

Ooh, an intellectual.

Smart is sexy, Jeff.

It sure is, Emily.

BRB.

Gertrude Stein. Please.

Don't underestimate Gertrude Stein, dude.

- Can I see a little twirl? - Yeah.

There's some cheese in there.

- Okay. - Can I have some, please?

Yes, I can give you hot-ass melted cheese.

It's like nachos in a box.

Be careful, it's hot.

Funny.

- Jeff, are you watching? - Yes.

- I can see you're not watching. - I'm watching.

- I changed all of this. - Yeah, I'm watching.

- Jeff, you're on your phone! - I'm listening!

- Jeff, I want this tight as a drum... - It's...

It's gonna be tight. I'm...

- I'm ready. - Drums get loose.

Drum... Well, not this drum.

- Put your phone down. - It's... Okay.

- Let's do it, I'm ready. Let's go. - If you...

- Don't pick up... Don't touch your phone. - I'm... Okay.

- Don't touch it. - Acting is listening.

- I'm listening. Go. Go. - Okay. Okay, Mom, go.

Believe it or not,

I was a much younger person when I got on this line.

Okay. Uh, great job.

I loved it. I thought that was great.

Maybe, just to do it totally different,

okay, try this.

I was a much younger woman when I first got on this line!

Go up at the end.

And let's make it "woman," 'cause gender, you know?

Okay.

Believe it or not,

I was a much younger woman when I first got on this line.

I swear to God, Jeff, if you're touching your phone...

- I'm not touching my phone. - What's your cue line?

- What was... My cue! - What...

It... This... I got mixed up.

- That's not how cues work. - Forget it, let's go from the top. Go from the top.

My phone's off. I'm not gonna check it.

All right.

- Say it again. - That's it. I'm... I'm ready.

- Okay, say it again. - Okay.

This doesn't bode well for... Oh, no, that's my cue line.

- Oh, my God. - Okay.

Hey, Mike!

- How are you? - Good!

Are those weird shoes or are they tap shoes?

They're weird tap shoes.

Why? Why do you wear tap shoes?

I saw Singin' in the Rain, like, five times while I was cooped up.

How was it?

Oh, my goodness. I mean, the dancing, of course.

- Then, the editing alone... - Mike, I mean rehab.

- It was great. - Really?

- Do you have any tooth pain? - Crazy tooth pain.

Yeah, I had tooth pain.

Do you want some water? Or I've also got in the fridge

this, like, 1,000-year-old coconut water.

Ah! Well, as appealing as that sounds,

- I think I'll just go with the water. - Oh, okay.

Here you go. Have you seen anyone yet?

Uh, I stopped by my family's, but you're the first.

I got a list of people.

- Like an apology tour? - Oh.

Well, I hadn't thought of it as an apology tour.

Feels like a disgraced politician.

That's exactly what it felt like when I did mine.

You know, knocking on doors being like, "I'm really, really sorry

"that I crashed your mom's car when I was drunk."

- It's horrible. - Yikes.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Did you kiss a lot of babies?

- When I was drunk? - On your apology tour.

- I don't get it. - Isn't that something, like, politicians do?

- Oh. - You don't know? That's fine.

Right.

Are you really good?

I'm feeling great. I'm a whole new man.

Really, Mike? 'Cause you are just fresh out.

You know, when I got out of rehab,

I had to go and stay with that aunt in Poughkeepsie,

because I needed someone to just take care of me,

cook for me, tell me when to go to sleep.

You know, I couldn't face the outside world.

And you are fresh out. I think that's scary.

What are you feeling?

Um...

I guess, you know, it feels like...

fireworks exploding in my body.

- Fireworks? - You know, like a million little firecrackers, just...

...blowing up.

That's intense, Mike.

Tell me about it.

But, seriously, can you tell me about it?

- Um... - Like, do those fireworks represent your feelings?

Are you feeling guilt or shame or anxiety or something,

'cause all of that is normal, that's what I felt.

- Um... - Guilty or afraid.

It's kind of scary being out, right?

- Ooh! - Mike, oh, my God.

- Are you okay? - Yes, I'm... That was a dumb... dumb, stupid thing to do.

- Sorry. - It's really red, do you want some ice?

No, no, uh...

I just, uh...

Sometimes, it's, whew...

You know, little hard to talk.

Understood.

Maybe you should talk to her.

That's a good idea. Look, let's use the objects

to talk about our feelings. Come on.

- Hello, Dr. Bell. - Hello, Mr. Stapler. How're you feeling?

Um...

I'm just trying to hold things together.

That makes sense.

Kind of in a bind.

All right. I think that's my time, Dr. Bell.

You know what, that's probably a good idea.

I have to go and get the seltzer and the hummus

for the sober people. They love their seltzer.

- And hummus. - Really?

Yeah, probably.

- Oh, uh, Mona? - Yeah, Mike?

Uh, I wanna apologize.

- No, we're not gonna do apologies. - When I was drunk,

I was just... I was such a dick.

I was a dick when I was drunk. I get it.

- Yeah, but never to me. - Yeah, but that's just because

you didn't know me when I was drunk.

Trust me, I was a dick.

Have you been to a meeting yet?

- No. - I really think you should go.

There's one in half an hour at Washington Memorial.

It's a great set of people. There's gonna be donuts.

- You had me at half an hour. - Good.

- And I'm gonna see you tonight, right? - Yes.

- It'll be fun. - Absolutely.

In its own kind of weird way.

It's funnel... It's the funnel cakes in the... Are they different?

'Cause I feel like I've only had elephant ears

in, like, Washington State.

But I feel like... But the funnel cake's different

'cause it's, like, they go like that.

Anyways...

I ended up saying no,

which really sucks

because liquor companies pay like beaucoup dollars.

But it was triggering me

'cause tequila was my go-to drink.

Well, most drinks are my go-to drink.

But, uh...

I'm doing a pickle commercial now, though,

which is cool because pickles are cool.

Um...

Sorry, bad allergies.

Uh, I read that they give you cancer,

which kind of gives a new meaning

to the term "cancer stick."

Um... Yeah.

So... anyways, thanks.

Hi, I'm Mike.

I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Mike.

Am I in the right room?

I, uh...

Sorry... Sorry if I smell.

Right.

I've been riding around a...

unicycle all day.

It's hard to control.

Does only have one wheel.

I'll drink anything if it's in a cup.

Or a bottle.

Uh...

I shouldn't drink so much coffee either.

But I love it.

Mike, it's me.

It's the coffee.

Fell back, coming here.

So, um...

I just, um,

trying to find...

Trying to find the words sometimes is hard.

Um...

Boom, you know, in your head.

Okay.

Hey.

So I just wanted to say that it definitely does get easier

to open up, and that, you know, at first,

for everybody,

it's like...

You know, no brain to mouth...

- Right. - ...anything.

Yeah, but it definitely does start to loosen up

and get easier.

Hello?

Jude?

- Yeah. - Hey, it's Mike.

Oh.

Listen, you don't have to let me up.

I just want to say, uh, that I'm sorry.

You owe me some sheets, cocksucker.

I do. I do.

And I know it doesn't mean much, but, uh, I'm sorry.

Did you like how I called you cocksucker?

Well, not really.

But it was funny, right?

It was something!

Get over here!

I've been waiting for you to come home.

- Have you? - Yeah.

Whoa, tap shoes.

Yeah, right?

- Is this a thing? - It's my thing.

But is it a thing other people are doing?

- Should I be doing it? - I don't think so. No.

Okay.

So, uh, how you doing, man?

Hey, are you coming tonight?

- Where? - To the Jews.

Rachel and I are doing tag team stand-up.

Oh, awesome. Uh, but no,

because I'm persona non gratin.

I see what you did there.

Persona non gratin. Very good.

So how was it? I mean, what's happening?

- Did you get laid? - No, I didn't get laid.

But I did start drawing.

- I'm a drawer now. - Oh, really?

Actually, I've been drawing myself. Check it out.

I got this little guy ready.

It's little, but...

Oh, I like that, though. That's great.

Yeah, it's a little pond.

Yeah, I see that, and the ducks.

- Yeah. - That's a beautiful little pastoral.

Thank you, it's just some pen and ink.

It's kinda...

Can I see yours?

Sure, yeah.

- The detail is hard. - Mmm-hmm.

- Oh, look at this. - Nice little booklet as well.

Oh, wow. This is terrible.

Well, that's the first one.

This looks like a left-handed five-year-old drew it.

Yeah, well, that was before I read the book

and then two pages in...

- Ooh, very nice! - Right?

- Some perspective. - It's a vast improvement.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, a nozzle.

- Yeah. - Nozzles are very difficult.

That's what everyone's been saying.

- Oh, this is very nice. - Thank you.

- Cool. - True to life.

I'm impressed. I'm impressed.

I just draw what I see.

Uh, I'm also going to learn how to tap dance.

Oh, you know, I'm a pretty good dancer myself.

I know that about you.

I just figured the new me would

learn how to tap dance and was a drawer.

- Not a bad life. - Not too shabby.

So what now? I mean, you just reinvent yourself?

Well, uh, ugh, I'm still figuring it out.

Don't smother me.

Okay.

I think you struck a chord.

Ugh!

- I think it was a flat chord. - It was a flat chord.

You got to scale it back.

All right. Don't stick your neck out.

Turning the knob.

Don't fret about it.

Um, strap thing.

- Strap-on. - I got to go get my strap-on.

Never thought I'd say that to you.

Hey-o! Speaking of strap-ons, can I use your shower?

- What? Seriously, now? - Yeah.

Yeah, I've been unicycling all day.

All right, sure. I'll give you a towel.

The new me doesn't even use a towel.

I stone-dry like a lizard.

So I'm gonna need a hot rock when I get back.

How about a hot pocket?

Oh.

I missed you, man.

Missed you, too.

I'm glad you're back.

We're at her place and she's sitting on my lap,

and she's calling me "Papa! Oh, Papa! Oh, Papa!"

And so I look at her and I tell her, "I'm going to go down on you,

- "and I'm going to make you come." - My goodness.

Now, do I know I'm going to make her come?

No, I have no idea.

Every woman is different.

And I'm not gonna pressure her,

but I tell her "I'm gonna make you come

"so fuckin' hard, you're gonna forget your fuckin' name."

And she stands up off my lap.

She rips off her jeans,

she lies down on the living room floor

legs spread wide and I get right down

on the hands and knees

and I start going to town, right?

Like a dog.

And then right when I get my tongue in there...

Mmm-hmm?

...she tells me she's had twins.

I'm like, "What?"

Turns out she was a surrogate for these famous people,

but she's not allowed to tell me who.

And then she says

that she's got a lot of air down there

because her vagina never closed up fully.

So she's like, "I might queef."

And I'm thinking, "What the fuck do I care about a queef?

"I mean, I just want to know whose twins you carried."

So, the whole time I'm going down on her

I'm just thinking about which celebrity couples

have had twins.

I mean, she's not too old,

so it's got to be fairly recent, right?

We're not talking about Sarah Jessica Parker's twins,

you know what I mean?

That ass is wasted on you.

Uh, okay. How does this sound?

Dear Jim,

Hi. How are you? I'm good.

I've been away in a rehabilitation center

for quite a bit.

As you may or may not remember,

I am a raging alcoholic.

Okay, this is a terrible email.

Too much?

I don't know. Let's hear the rest.

Well, it definitely doesn't get any better.

Then I can't wait to hear it.

All right. Well...

I am newly sober after a stint in a rehabilitation center.

Okay, why is it a rehabilitation center?

- Isn't it just rehab? - Is that too awkward?

Yes.

Anyway, I go on to say, "Even alcoholics need jobs.

"That is the very purpose of this missive."

Okay, this is a really bad email.

- Is that it? - No, there's more.

Oye! All right, move over.

- What? - Come on.

I'll deal with Jim.

Dear Jim.

Hey, man. How's it going?

He's a straight-laced kind of a guy.

He is gonna love this email.

So turns out she's also into brushing teeth,

- like she wants to brush my teeth. - Okay.

- Hygienic. - I mean,

whatever. I'm open.

I'll try anything twice.

Okay, man. So I'll see you later tonight, right?

Yeah, I'll come by.

I'll catch your set and hand out some apologies.

Great. In the meantime...

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

On second thought, don't do anything I would do.

Toodle-oo!

What's happening?

Uh, just got to figure out

who I'm gonna lay prostrate to first.

- Prostrate? - Prostate.

Pro... Prostelytize?

It's a "P" word.

- Pardon. - Pardon.

- No, it's "lay prostrate to." - Uh-huh.

Anyway, I shall make my regret be known

unto Bowman and seek redress, or something.

All right, well, just come to the gig, okay?

- I really want you there. - Okay.

- All right. I'll come. - All right.

Who's on your list anyway?

There's Bowman and Drae and, uh, Jeff.

Oh, get me some of those gluten-free ginger snaps

from Bowman's.

And he took a vow of silence, you know.

I did not know that. Wow.

A "wow" of silence. Oh, I'm using it.

No, use it.

I need to get new friends.

Mmm-hmm.

My last text message is from you.

My last ten text messages are from you.

And the last one before that

is from Jeff,

three days ago.

Mike was...

He was like my straight wife.

Why don't you just send him a text?

- No. - Be like...

- No. - "Hi."

Mmm-mmm.

- You're still mad? - Yes.

Today's the longest day of the year.

Ye olde solstice.

We got any plans tonight?

Uh, I was gonna go to the Jews.

Some people are trying some new stuff out.

I might go up

and do my Keanu.

Right hand.

Left hand.

Right hand.

Left hand.

Anybody doing anything sexy?

Well, it depends on your idea of sexy.

Acrobatics, dancing.

I don't know. I'm not the booker.

You know what I would like to see?

A horse.

Like a horse just trotting around

in the Jews warehouse?

Like a sexy man on a horse,

just like, doing horse tricks.

You know, funny story.

I used to have a horse when I was... when I was little.

- You? - Named Sundance.

- Yes. - Had a horse?

Yes, that's right.

Yeah, but...

You don't seem like horse people.

Yeah, man, it was loco.

I mean, he was just walking across the room,

and then, bam, he broke his foot

- on another dude's foot. - Jesus.

Yeah. And then you add to that the vow of silence.

- It's been eventful, man. - It sounds it.

Yeah, lots of changes going on around here.

Hey, Mo, you remember Mike, right?

Oh, no.

Oh, wait.

Hey. When, uh, I was upside down,

you looked like a white guy I didn't know.

But now I'm right-side up

and you're a white guy I do know.

- Hey. - Hey.

Um, uh, while I'm here...

What?

So, I'd like to apologize.

For what?

For, uh, you know, anything I did while I was drinking.

I do like a good apology.

Yeah.

Makes me feel like everything's all right in the world.

Is there anything else, specifically,

you want to apologize to me for?

Other than general drunken a-holeness?

Yeah.

Oh, I guess last time we hung out,

I feel like I cut you off while we were speaking.

Yeah, Mike. That's something you always do.

And for that I'm truly sorry.

- Well, accepted. - Thank you.

- Have a good day. - I'll see you.

Hey, Bowman.

Congratulations on the vow of silence.

Oh, yeah.

And sorry about the foot. Oof.

And if we're handing out sorrys,

sorry for the last, you know,

14 years of my behavior.

Oh, yeah, tap shoes.

I'm a tap dancer now.

I also took up drawing.

Yo, tap dancing.

Tap dancing is like, wow.

- Yeah. - You ever see that movie Singin' in the Rain?

Yeah. I just watched it, like, five times in rehab.

Yeah, but I mean, remember the part where

the dude is, like, singing in the rain?

Yeah. Out on the street?

Yeah. I mean, he was, like, into it. Just...

So carefree.

- Can you see him move? - Oh, yeah.

- Can you see this? - You got the one. One-foot dancing.

Right.

I'm good.

I did love that one.

My favorite, though, is Make 'Em Laugh.

With the clown guy and the face...

where he's like...

- I remember that. - All right. Well,

that was Donald O'Connor, who was an alcoholic,

like myself.

And he's quoted in his obituary

as saying that sobriety saved his life.

Not too shabby.

If I was quoted in my obituary,

I'd want it to say something like,

"Freddie was the best."

Why not? It's my obituary, right!

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Well...

Hey.

Oh, my God.

What's up?

- How you been? - Good, how about you?

- Good to see you. - Where you been? We missed you.

I've been in Jamaica.

Oh, my God. You are living the life.

I want to go to Costa Rica. I want to move there.

My aunt has this compound there.

- Jamaican cookies. - Oh, man!

Just kidding, they're Bowman cookies.

- Even better. - I love some Bowman.

- Yeah. - Are these all for me?

- Uh... - Anyway, I want to live in Costa Rica.

Mmm.

I could live there for next to nothing.

Surf all day.

That's the life. That's the way people were meant to live, man.

Now that's what's up.

I don't... I don't think I should ever say that again.

It was weird. I once said, um,

- "fo' shizzle." - Mmm.

I surprised... I don't even know

- where it came from. - Yeah.

Sounded like another person inside my mouth.

Did you impress everybody though?

No.

But I meant it totally genuinely.

Everyone was like, "Yeah, for sure."

Absolutely, fo' shizzle.

Well, what were you doing in Jamaica?

Actually, well, I wasn't in Jamaica.

I was upstate in rehab.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Oh, God. Um... - Bit of a reversal.

How was that? Was that tough?

There were some very unpleasant moments,

but, um...

it provided me some space to grow

- and look at me now. - Great.

- Much better, improved person. - That's awesome.

I think rehab, in general, is good.

- Moving forward. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, what can I get you?

I didn't think that far ahead.

Um, something non-alcoholic.

How about a Pepsi?

Pepsi products kind of make my soul hurt.

Yeah, me too.

Uh, how about a ginger beer?

- Yeah, ginger beer is great. - Great.

Is it non-alcoholic?

Yeah. It's like a soda. It's like ginger ale,

it's like root beer.

I think root beer could be alcoholic too.

Yeah, but they have to say, like, "hard root beer."

- Hard ginger beer. - Yeah.

You don't believe me?

Well, I just like to check,

and I'm glad I did.

It's got one percent alcohol in it.

- Really? - Yeah.

Does that count?

Does one percent count as alcohol?

It counts for one percent alcohol.

Like, chicken would have zero percent alcohol in it,

and that'd be totally fine.

Unless, of course, it's been a hard day on the farm.

Oh, God!

"I'm going to cut your head off."

"I need a drink.

"My wife's... They cut my wife's head off this morning."

If somebody tells me that they're going to cut my head off,

- maybe I'll have a drink. - All right, I won't do that.

What about, um, like, seltzer with lime?

- That seems safe. - All right.

So what else you been up to?

Trying to get back into circus shape.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

What shape is that?

Skinny on the top and then big on the bottom?

- Like a tent - Exactly. That's it, yeah.

So I could be a bottom.

No, what's it called? A base.

Oh.

- Could be a bottom. - Could be a bottom too.

The owner said we have to be like...

- Frugal about your limes? - ...frugal with limes.

It's like the nickels and dimes.

I should have... I should have forgone the lime altogether.

Oh, no, no, you have that lime.

Thank you.

Seltzer.

It is refreshing.

Yeah, yeah. Alcohol-free.

What do I owe you for this?

- Oh, no, that's on the house. - Mmm.

It's part of the benefits of being sober, right?

You never pay for a drink again.

No, it's on me, I'll have to pay for it,

but it's on me.

Oh, you know what? We're doing, um...

I gotta put these away.

We're doing bingo on Sundays.

- Great! I love bingo. - You should come by.

Yeah, I'm the best bingo player around.

- Is it a skill game? - It is for me.

You're a maverick.

- All right. - Great to see you.

It was great to see you.

- Oh. - What?

Um, are you all hiring?

Actually, no, that's a bad idea.

You don't want this guy around so much booze.

- Which guy is that? - This guy right here.

- Oh, right. - Shaking my thumb there.

- For effect. - Oh, I see. I see.

- All right. - Great to see you.

- Great to see you. - Careful on that unicycle.

You know, you can't get hurt on it.

Really?

- Later. - Bye.

Oh! Sorry!

Oh, my God! Mike!

Justine!

How... How's your brother?

He's good. He's still out in Jersey.

Oh, yeah, Jers.

Classic Jersey.

- But what about you? - Um, I'm good.

- So good. Really, really good. - Nice.

- I got fired and evicted. - Oh. Okay.

But, you know, I think it's all going to work out for the best.

- That's a great attitude to have. - Thank you.

- And I'm also looking for work. - Me too.

Okay, I'll keep you posted if I hear of anything.

Great. I'll, uh, you know, anytime they're like,

"We don't like you" in an interview,

- I'll be like, "I know somebody." - Okay.

- Referral, referral. - Yeah, referral.

Okay, that sounds good.

Um, I'm staying with Pat.

Did you hear about what happened to Pat?

- No. - Um...

Oh, it's horrible.

- They had to take off a toe. - Oh, God!

- Crazy, right? - Yes.

They might have to take off another one.

- Man, Pat. - They told him if he doesn't stop drinking,

but you know how Pat is.

I do know Pat.

- He's no wuss. - Yes. That's right.

- Um, you want to join us for... a little drinky-drink? - Well, actually, I can't.

I quit drinking myself.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- Wow! - Right?

I wish I could stop.

- Well, the thing is, you can. - No.

Uh, yes.

Okay.

- All right. - Soon.

- Okay, soon. Great. Perfect. Uh-huh. - Promise.

Scout's honor.

- I'll put it in my calendar. - Do something. Okay.

- Write it down. All right. - Okay.

- Bye. - All right. Bye.

Okay, so, I have the best idea. Seltzer variety pack.

Hmm.

- It's an amazing idea right? - Mmm.

Nobody's thought of it.

Uh, I don't know.

This is a first-class idea.

- What? - This is a first-class idea.

I'm pretty sure I've seen a seltzer variety back.

No, I did all the research and they don't exist.

And I went to all the stores. There's nothing there.

Variety seltzer packs. I've seen that,

like I saw that yesterday.

You're kind of fighting with me. Is there a reason?

Sorry. I'm just, like, really fucking depressed.

- Sorry. - Anyways...

Do you think this is a mistake, doing this?

- This? The show? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Oh, hell, no.

I'm just... I'm used to doing it with Mike.

Okay, this is going to be extremely fun.

- I know that you're with... - Right.

...me and Mom, this is different.

- Okay? I get it. I totally get it. - Yeah. Right.

- The "drop the fork" bit? - It's a good bit.

It's a good bit, it's gonna kill.

But is it going to make sense in a different context?

- Let me tell you a story. - That's what I'm worried about.

Do you remember when I was in 10th grade?

- Yes, I remember that. - I was dating Graham Sinclair.

- I remember Graham, yeah. - With the curly hair?

- Extremely hot. - Right. Good-looking guy.

- And Melissa was my all-time best friend. - Yes.

Would have taken a bullet for her.

- Right. I never liked her. - For good reason.

She fooled around with Graham Sinclair.

Yes, the snowstorm of 2003.

I was drinking hot cocoa,

with the little marshmallows, my favorite.

- I could fit 30 in my mouth, remember? - Mmm-hmm.

I was bundled up and where was she?

At her mom's house giving a hand-job to Graham Sinclair.

- I thought my world was gonna end. - Uh-huh.

- But guess what? - What?

Two weeks ago, guess who I had coffee with?

- Who? - Melissa.

- You did? - Yes.

She's a midwife.

- What, a midwife? - Yes.

- She, like... - That's crazy.

She, like, helps babies and stuff.

Okay.

And I'm going to go to a vegan dinner party that she hosts.

Oh, my God. Wow!

She's, like, next-level.

- Yeah. - Anyway...

- Okay. - ...what I'm trying to say is...

- I'm wondering. - I know you're bummed about Mike.

- I am. - But I know how that feels.

- Okay. - Because the Graham, Melissa...

- Right. - ...situation, the devastation.

- Okay. - So, mourn the relationship.

- I am, yes. - Okay?

But be open to it morphing.

- Okay, yeah. - You know what I'm saying?

- You guys might be buds one day. - You're right.

We might be, yeah.

Maybe he'll give me a hand-job

during a snowstorm. Who knows?

- Anything is possible. - You look amazing.

- Do I? - Yeah.

Oh, my God. I really do.

- Whoa. Hey. - Hey.

Give me a lift. Give me a lift.

I'm here to give you a...

- Dude! - How you doin'?

I'm good. How are you?

I haven't seen you in a long while.

Yeah, I've been away for a little bit, but now I'm back.

Listen, I'm about to get a drink

and then I'm gonna go flyering.

- Flyering for what? - Oh, I'm a socialist now.

- Mazel tov. - Thanks, man.

Have you been following the school shooting walkout?

Oh, I've been upstate, kind of away from the news.

- Yeah. - So I haven't really...

Well, have you heard the good news about socialism?

I always love hearing great news.

All right, well, come across with me.

I'll chew your ear off, and we'll have a few drinks,

and I can tell you all the good things we've been doing in the world.

Well, I got to meet up with some folks now,

but, you know, I'd love to catch up over, like, a coffee or a sweet treat.

Okay. All right. Dude, I'm telling you, this news...

It's like if a penguin became good friends with a rabbit.

- Warm and fuzzy. - Yeah, warm and fuzzy.

Just like your beard.

- A little sweaty, too? - A little sweaty.

All right, take care.

- All right, I'll see you. - All right.

- Congrats. - Okay.

A better future is possible.

- This is Hawmi. Hawmi, this is Mike. - Hi, there.

- It's his first-ever sober party, so be nice. - Hi. Oh, hey.

All right.

- Are you happy? - I'm happy.

I'm happy you're happy.

Oh, okay. Oh!

Happy Hawmi.

Come back to you for more hugs.

This way, we've got people who are doing palm reading.

Good luck...

And right here, we've got people making paper flowers, yeah.

You wanna join?

Well, I'm just looking around, actually, right now, but this looks great.

You sure? These flowers stay beautiful year round.

- They look beautiful. - Unlike real flowers,

- which are constantly dying. - They are.

Constantly.

- Uh... - You sure?

No, no, I'm good...

- It's very meditative. - Hmm.

We know each other, though, right?

- Uh... - We've met before.

No, I don't think so.

Uh...

Did I have a flower in my hair?

Maybe.

Or maybe on my shirt like a broach.

I don't know. Uh, whoa!

You know what? It was an Indigo Girls concert

on Houston Street, like, six years ago.

Oh, yeah, maybe.

Yeah, we met there.

We hit it off, and then we hung out after the concert,

and we got a little wild.

I don't really want to talk about it.

Oh, oh, oh... Oh.

Um, I don't think we did anything bad.

I think it was, just, like, you know, two consenting adults.

- Yeah, I'd rather not discuss it. - Okay.

♪ Flowers are fun Flowers are free

♪ Flowers are like you and me ♪

Well, you know, they're actually seeds.

We just call them beans.

- Hi. - Hey.

It was probably the second time I got out. I was living with my mom

in Scroton, Pennsylvania.

And they're not really known for their coffee there.

"Scroton"?

Yep.

Uh, so, but the more I learned about the process,

the more, like, enriching I found it. I had met...

Sounds like scrotum, though, right?

- It does. I know. It does. - Scroton, scrotum. Yeah.

Um, but I was really just able to throw myself into it.

- And then, uh... - You ever call it "Scrotum, PA"?

Like, "Hi, I live in Scrotum, PA."

- Yeah. - Why don't we go over here?

- I've definitely made that joke before. - No, they don't mind.

- Why don't we do some coconut pulling with Kiera? - Oh, yeah. Hey. Whoa.

Wanna learn about coconut pulling?

- It's a lot of fun, right, Dustin? - Ah...

Yeah. You're not allergic to coconut are you?

- Not that I know of. - All right, great.

- You wanna try it? - Well, what is it, actually?

- I'm really glad you asked that question. - Mmm-hmm.

It is actually a safe and effective way to clean up that little mouth of yours.

- The dirty mouth. - I know. And, actually, poor dental hygiene

- can lead to death or even worse, strokes. - Yes, 'cause it is worse.

And everybody loves these alcoholic mouthwashes,

but they found out that long-term usage

can actually lead to oral cancer,

and nobody survives oral cancer, right, Dustin?

No, they don't. They really don't. Like, it's totally deadly.

- So here comes coconut oil. - Huh?

You can put it on your face,

you can put it in your brownies, you can put it in your little mouth, right?

So you just take a tablespoon, slosh around for, like, 20 minutes.

Twenty minutes? Hey, that's a long time.

Yeah, it's a lot of fun, right, Dustin?

- Mmm-hmm. - Yeah, so, here.

Actually, I'm gonna get some fresh air.

- Oh, no. I mean, you could take it with you. - Well, yeah.

Really, honestly, you really just should try it.

- I'm just, oh... So hot. - It whitens your teeth.

Whitens other things.

Yeah.

All right, maybe later.

Come here often?

Oh.

Did you know that Goldie Hawn was, like, an excellent dancer?

I just want to open my own cafe one day.

Whoa!

I'm on a boat! Whoa!

Jonies!

I guess I don't have to be drunk to be a real blunderpuss.

Mike, Mike. Just bring it down a bit.

- It's just a small space. D'you know what I mean? - A little too much?

Yeah, but Bridget's gonna come over soon,

and she's gonna bring fortune cookies.

What we do is, we read them

and then add a cheeky little something at the end, like, "Under the covers."

Oh, my goodness.

"I don't want to wax poetic, but that sounds pretty boring."

"Put me out." "You're already out."

"I mean, out of my misery."

Why are you being like this?

Um, everybody's entitled to their own little meltdown.

I'm... sorry.

Drae?

No, no.

Drae. Hey, Drae.

- No. - Why don't you just talk to him?

- No. - Life is too short for this kind of drama.

I wanted to talk to you and I brought Bowman cookies.

You know what?

I'm not going to make space for you anymore.

I'm not going to erase myself and make space for you.

Fuck you. For all those times you scared me.

Fuck you because I actually thought you were fucking dead.

Do you know what that feels like?

And I bet everybody's like, "Oh, he's sorry.

"It's cool now."

And I have to be this fucking man-hating lesbian that's still angry at you.

Fuck you for that. For making me this fucking...

I don't...

What?

- What is this? - Oh, they're tap shoes.

Uh...

I'm a tap dancer now.

Of course you are.

Believe it or not, I was a much younger woman when I first got on this line.

That doesn't bode well for me.

I remembered to call Mom and Dad for their anniversary yesterday.

Oh. You're always the good one, aren't you?

That's true. The brattiest thing I've ever done in my life is not be married.

Oh, did that come up?

It did. Actually, Mom has a new technique on that front.

She said she deserves to be a grandmother because she deserves for her blood line

to continue.

Like she's a thoroughbred racehorse, and not a retired CPA.

That is how she sees the world.

You weren't totally off the hook, though. She asked if I knew any nice girls for Jude.

Oh, that's funny 'cause she asked if I knew any nice boys for you.

I think sometimes she'd be happiest

if you and me just got married to each other.

Hey, Jeff.

What the fuck you doing here, Mike?

I wanted to come by and apologize.

- Okay. Well, apology not accepted. - Okay.

- I don't know how to fix this. - You can't fix it. Okay?

There's a show going on right now.

Now's not the time to fix anything.

Remember our shows?

Don't fucking touch me!

Whoa! Didn't know were getting a fight tonight, everyone.

Foreman vs Ali! Who you bettin' on?

Jeff, wait. Wait, wait! Take off my dress!

Jesus!

All right.

You're sorry?

Ooh, sorry. Sorry, dude.

Ow!

Hello. There's...

Fuck!

- Yo, Mike's back! - Yeah!

- What can I get for you? - I, uh...

- I'm gonna use the bathroom. - All right.

Excuse me, sir. Do you mind?

Oh, am I going too slow for you?

Is it too inconvenient?

It's a little slow.

I see how it could be inconvenient.

Thanks, guy.

You're gonna make me cry.

Yeah, I think this is non-alcoholic.

- Let me see. - It's somewhere on the bottle.

Yeah. This is just apple juice.

- But sparkling, right? - But sparkling.

Okay, a toast.

- To, uh... - Um, animals.

Okay, uh, to animals, and maybe just a general

sort of "life is good" kind of...

- Great. - ...toast.

Okay.

I don't know. You got...

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Apple juicin' on.

- What a rollercoaster of a day I had today. - Yeah?

First, there were the remote controls, sorting the remote controls.

Controls.

- Then you came home. - Mmm-hmm.

Then you left.

Then Norah and I thought we were going to have Uncle Frank's,

- and we didn't. - Nor!

Then I thought we were gonna have sandwiches. We didn't.

Oh, Nor.

- The ant debacle. - Ants.

- They're all dead. - Oh, good.

Then the door knob fell off the basement door.

It's funny, to hear myself tell it...

it sounds a lot less crazy than when I lived it.

- There you have it. - Hindsight.

Hungry?

- Yeah. - What you thinking, Nor?

- Chinese, maybe? - Oh.

I don't know if that place is gonna be open.

Yeah. It's a little late for delivery.

We have pears.

Anything to pair that with?

Uh, cheese?

Ah, pears and cheese could be great.

Oh, and I know we have some mayo.

- Don't we, Nor? - Yes, we do.

I think I'll pass on the mayo.

Oh, you'll be singing a different tune tomorrow, won't he, Nor?

What do you think, Nor, will I be singing a different tune tomorrow?

Yeah.

Like Mozart mayo song?

The Mozart mayo?

Mayozart?

Yeah, "Mayozart."

Okay.

Uh...

- I'm getting eaten alive out here. - Yeah.

I don't think this sugar water's helping anyone.

Nice reef. Who made it, Nor?

- I did. - Oh?

Move it.

- Get out. Get out! - Time to pull this.

Out.

- I'm leaving. - Leave.