Original subtitles

♪♪ synth music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ It’s Showtime tonight ♪♪

♪♪ It’s Showtime tonight ♪♪

[Wayne] Previously on Black Monday..

I’m thinking I want Dawn to manage my career.

I’m thinking I want Dawn to manage my career.

I was behind Black Monday.

Twenty minutes ago, someone confessed

to Black Monday, and they had a far more credible story.

to Black Monday, and they had a far more credible story.

I just wanted to thank you.

I mean , without you, I never would’ve known

about Amerisavings.

You’re really going all-in, huh?

You’re really going all-in, huh?

Bought the ring, closed on the house.

This is the exact street that I told you

-I always wanted to live on. -I don’t remember that.

-I always wanted to live on. -I don’t remember that.

-Is that a painting of me? -Mm-mm, no.

I was fucking shot in the fucking chest,

I was fucking shot in the fucking chest,

and the fucking person who fucking did it

is still fucking out there,

and I’m the only one who fucking cares?

and I’m the only one who fucking cares?

You are gonna love your new FBI-installed security system.

They also suggest that you get them a copy

of your enemies list ASAP.

I don’t have a list of my enemies.

I don’t have a list of my enemies.

[laughter]

[line trilling]

-[Yassir] Hello? -Hey, Yass.

Let’s have a boys’ night, huh?

Nomi’s out of town visiting a sick aunt.

She’s got something called Pontiac Fever,

She’s got something called Pontiac Fever,

but her loss of bowel control is our gain.

One second, boss, okay? Hold on.

Hey, there, Dawn.

Hey, there, Dawn.

Uh, that is Mo on the phone

saying he wants to hang out tonight

because Nomi’s out of town taking care of her sick aunt,

because Nomi’s out of town taking care of her sick aunt,

suffering from something called Pontiac Fever,

whatever the fuck that is.

So what?

You chicks lied to him

about his own fiancée’s album release party?

I didn’t lie. I told Nomi to lie.

I didn’t lie. I told Nomi to lie.

So what am I supposed to tell Mo?

[phone ringing]

Dawn?

Dawn?

Hello, Ms. Management Music, Dawn Darcy speaking.

Hey, Dawn, are you home?

Oh, Congressman! Give me good news!

Oh, Congressman! Give me good news!

-Dawn! -What?

So should I tell Mo that I have Pontiac Fever,

-that it’s going around? -No, dumbass.

-that it’s going around? -No, dumbass.

Stay away from specifics and illnesses.

Take it from a master. Good lies are like bad photos.

Take it from a master. Good lies are like bad photos.

As long as they’re blurry and you’re not in ’em,

no one gives a fucking shit.

So I am just calling you to congratulate you

So I am just calling you to congratulate you

on your full expungement.

That’s right, citizen.

Your record is cleaner than a dog’s balls,

Your record is cleaner than a dog’s balls,

so you can go back to plotting world domination or whatnot.

You really did it? Oh, wait, shit, shit.

Can you hold? I know we’ve had a rough go.

-No, no, no... -I have to thank you properly.

-No, no, no... -I have to thank you properly.

-A real quick way... -Just hold on.

-...to thank me would be to... -One quick second, okay?

-...help me track down Mo... -[phone beeps]

Dawn--fuck!

Dawn--fuck!

-I am so, so sorry. -Hello.

-Ms. Management Music. -Just give me one more second.

-Okay? Boss? -Dawn Darcy speaking.

Hey, Dawn. Wait, was that Yass?

Hey, Dawn. Wait, was that Yass?

I could have sworn I heard Yassir in the background.

Well, you were just on with him.

It could have just been some kind

of weird high-tech echo, you know?

of weird high-tech echo, you know?

Hi-techos, the cereal for nerds.

Hi-techos, the cereal for nerds.

[laughs] I’m cuckoo for dying alone.

[phone ringing]

-Hello. -Keith Shenkar-Leighman II.

-Hello. -Keith Shenkar-Leighman II.

I need a favor.

Blair Pfaff Georgina, the first of his name.

I’m actually just running out to get my kids.

I’m actually just running out to get my kids.

What’s up?

Anyway, um, MoMo, uh, I have to go, okay?

I-I-I’ll call you back.

O-okay, but real quick-- do you want

O-okay, but real quick-- do you want

to come to a Kokomo show tonight?

I mean, Nomi is out of town, so I know you’re not working.

I can’t. I’m...

I can’t. I’m...

I’m sick.

Yeah, I’ve got, um...

Yeah, I’ve got, um...

Cadillac Fever.

-[mouthing inaudibly] -Nomi’s aunt has Pontiac Fever,

and now you got something called Cadillac--

Is there some kind of GM pandemic going around

Is there some kind of GM pandemic going around

-that I don’t know about? -[phone beeps]

Shit, hold on. Let me shake this.

-I fucking panicked! -My God, the master?

-I fucking panicked! -My God, the master?

-I’m sorry! -You were so dog shit!

-Mo, Yassir? -Yassir?

-Mo? -Keith?

I keep hearing Yassir. You heard him right, Keith?

I keep hearing Yassir. You heard him right, Keith?

This phone technology is a pretty powerful thing.

You never know who’s listening.

Sorry, I was trying to put Dawn on hold

’cause she’s either fully dying or fully lying.

’cause she’s either fully dying or fully lying.

[coughs] I’m still here, MoMo.

Party line, getting the band back together.

Party line, getting the band back together.

This new shit is so dumb-- conference call,

call waiting, clock.

Can’t a phone just be a fucking phone?

Can’t a phone just be a fucking phone?

-[chuckles] -What do you want, Keith?

Mo, I want to give you, um... an engagement gift,

Mo, I want to give you, um... an engagement gift,

a-and I got to give it to you tonight, and--

So just tell me where you’re at, and I’ll come right over.

I’m across the street from Gray’s Papaya. I’m--

I’m across the street from Gray’s Papaya. I’m--

Hey, K-man, you down for a boys’ night?

Like back in our good old post-rug, pre-plug Miami days.

Like back in our good old post-rug, pre-plug Miami days.

I mean, we keep trying to set shit right between us.

Do I got to stay on for this gay shit?

-Whoa. -Hey.

-Whoa. -Hey.

-No, no, I just meant I--

Yeah, we get it, and don’t you dare hang up,

’cause I’m not done with your lying ass yet.

-[phone beeps] -And she hung up.

-[phone beeps] -And she hung up.

Look, Mo, I would love to hang out with you,

but if I don’t take the kids tonight,

Shira’s new boyfriend’s gonna convert them to Mormon.

Shira’s new boyfriend’s gonna convert them to Mormon.

This is my, like, last, last chance.

I cannot fuck this up, so rain check, next week maybe?

I’m busy.

I’m busy.

And weren’t you just about to drop off my gift?

-That’s my call waiting. -[line beeps]

Tell Dawnie to feel better. Okay, bye-bye.

You never know who’s listening, huh?

You never know who’s listening, huh?

You heard it, okay? He’s at Gray’s Papaya.

-Are we done here? -[phone ringing]

-Are we done here? -[phone ringing]

’Cause I don’t like lying to a good friend.

Look, boss, I can’t lie to you.

Look, boss, I can’t lie to you.

[weakly] I’m sick.

Yeah, I’m sick, too. Yeah, that bullshit got me.

Yeah, I’m sick, too. Yeah, that bullshit got me.

[Blair] Uh, if that’s your idea of lying or friendship,

-yoink a doink. -[knock at door]

-Coming. -One sec.

-Hold on. -[knock at door]

-Hold on. -[knock at door]

You lying piece of shit. You--

[line beeping]

Fucking technology!

Fucking technology!

[agent] Maurice Monroe?

Gents, can I help-- What the fuck is going on?

-You’re coming with us. -Wait, who are you?

-You’re coming with us. -Wait, who are you?

♪♪ upbeat music ♪♪

Where am I? Get your fucking hands off me.

All right!

All right!

[door closes]

♪♪ dramatic music ♪♪

♪♪ dramatic music ♪♪

Huh.

Well, this is gonna suck.

Let me out of this fucking room!

Tried that.

Hey, I want to talk to my lawyers!

-Tried that, too. -I got to take a fucking whiz!

-Tried that, too. -I got to take a fucking whiz!

We tried that, too, and then I just pissed in the corner,

but watch out for the dead rats,

also the live ones.

also the live ones.

They were pissed that I pissed on their fallen comrades.

You telling me there’s really no other fucking way

-out of this place? -One way in, one way out.

-out of this place? -One way in, one way out.

As far as we can tell, we’re in one of those

terrifying, off-the-books NYPD black sites

terrifying, off-the-books NYPD black sites

you only hear rumors about.

I’m guessing ’cause, uh, nobody ever comes back.

[chuckles] They just told us to wait here, and they’d come

[chuckles] They just told us to wait here, and they’d come

-and get us one by one. -No big deal, then.

Let’s just wait here until they come back and get us.

-Are you fucking kidding me? -Ugh.

-Are you fucking kidding me? -Ugh.

I’m a legitimate businessman! I pay taxes!

[laughter]

[laughs mockingly] You know what?

[laughs mockingly] You know what?

Only a group this fucked up could be in a situation

this fucked up and be all like, "Oh, no big whoop,

just your regular cop-napping kill room.

just your regular cop-napping kill room.

And, oh, by the way, don’t relieve yourself

in the fucking rat cemetery."

in the fucking rat cemetery."

Speaking of which, cue the Mourner’s Kaddish

or whatever the fucking Mormon equivalent is,

because if I’m not at Shira’s house

to pick up my kids in 16 minutes,

to pick up my kids in 16 minutes,

-I’m fucking dead. -Who cares?

I’m sorry, but isn’t the bigger-ticket item

why the five of us are here?

Something we thought maybe you could explain, Mo.

Oh, so you think this whole thing

is ’cause of me?

is ’cause of me?

You are the criminal of our group of friends.

That is some real revisionist bullshit,

-historically speaking. -[scoffs]

[Mo] Black Monday was on you two contortionist fucks.

[Mo] Black Monday was on you two contortionist fucks.

Here we go.

Did you forget that you stabbed me

in the fucking back while butt fucking

in the fucking back while butt fucking

the entire financial world

and throwing an elderly maniac off of a high-rise high dive?

and throwing an elderly maniac off of a high-rise high dive?

That was you two, so maybe we’re here for that shit.

And did you forget that I already went to jail

for that shit, for fucking you, Mo?

for that shit, for fucking you, Mo?

Oh, my God, this shit again?

Okay, I had to eat out my cellmate.

[Blair] And I went to Congress.

[Blair] And I went to Congress.

I mean, I know it’s not as bad as jail,

but it’s not nearly as cool as you would think it was.

And I had to eat out every night.

And I had to eat out every night.

Do you know how fattening that is?

The amount of butter I consumed?

Shut up!

[Blair] The point is they already closed the case

[Blair] The point is they already closed the case

on Black Monday.

[Keith] Well, the case is still open on Amerisavings,

or do you not remember that time I thought

we were gonna die in the bank

we were gonna die in the bank

and then we almost did die in the fucking bank?

Is that when you turned the retail bank into a blood bank?

Well, déjàà Jew. It’s happening again, okay?

Well, déjàà Jew. It’s happening again, okay?

-My people can sense death... -Your people.

...like a dog in a storm, and thunder is coming.

...like a dog in a storm, and thunder is coming.

Let me tell you something--

your Semitic sense, right on point,

because if there was ever

a we-could-die-in-this-room room...

a we-could-die-in-this-room room...

I mean, I’m not sweating it. There is no way I die here.

My landlady does chicken bone voodoo,

My landlady does chicken bone voodoo,

and she told me I actually die in a spaceship

from lung cancer, but still...

from lung cancer, but still...

Look, guys, whatever shit we’re in,

it must be deep if they’re not afraid to punch a...

-Politician. -No.

I was gonna say a white boy,

but the real question is, why now?

All this shit, it’s in the past.

All this shit, it’s in the past.

And Blair, he just got my record expunged.

I’m clean.

And I only make records, so I’m clean.

And I only make records, so I’m clean.

We at the Leighman Brothers, we’re clean.

Yeah, with the Lenny out of the picture.

Hey, I had nothing to do with that.

You might want to tell your tailor.

You might want to tell your tailor.

Or your hairline.

[laughter]

Oh, that’s great. We’re having a good time.

No, but Dawn is right. Why now?

No, but Dawn is right. Why now?

Maybe we’re just here ’cause the cops

are extremely racist and homophobic.

are extremely racist and homophobic.

We’re quite a tasty sampler. You almost can’t blame ’em.

Black, Black, gay, gay, me.

Black, Black, gay, gay, me.

But the only one of us that’s been in hot water lately

is actually-- well, it’s you, Blair.

is actually-- well, it’s you, Blair.

-Yeah, not to point fingers... -Oh, point, point, point.

-Yeah, not to point fingers... -Oh, point, point, point.

...but, Blair, you are the only one

who has had multiple attempts on his life,

so, clearly, you’re wrapped up in some shady shit,

so, clearly, you’re wrapped up in some shady shit,

which is why everyone around you

dies mysteriously or violently, which reminds me...

dies mysteriously or violently, which reminds me...

-[Mo] Yeah. -[Blair] Fine.

Maybe this is about who’s trying to kill me.

Well, it’s not Dawn because Dawn and I

Well, it’s not Dawn because Dawn and I

-are friends again. -Well...

Keith and I are friends anew.

-Yassir...Yass--Yass--Yass-- -Please don’t do this to me.

-Yassir...Yass--Yass--Yass-- -Please don’t do this to me.

-Yassir--one more time. -It’s Yassir.

We are cool now.

We are cool now.

So that means there’s only one person

Machiavellian enough to pull this off

-who also wants me dead. -Oh, my God.

-who also wants me dead. -Oh, my God.

You’re trying to make this about me again, Blair?

If it were me, fucker’d be dead.

If it were me, fucker’d be dead.

-Mo don’t miss. -[Yassir] Wow.

-That’s your defense? -[overlapping chatter]

-That’s true. -[Dawn] Not great.

-I, for one--I believe him. -Thank you, Keith.

-I, for one--I believe him. -Thank you, Keith.

But just to cross the I’s here,

where were you the night that Blair was shot?

-Where was I, asshole? -Yeah.

-I was with Dawn. -Ew, really?

-Unfortunately, yes. -Okay, where were you?

-Unfortunately, yes. -Okay, where were you?

With Larry.

Biblically speaking, I’m sure.

Not my type.

What about you, Yass? Where were you?

What about you, Yass? Where were you?

Motherfucker, I was in the suburbs

putting a bow on that house that you bought.

-Bow? -No.

-Bow? -No.

Well, Mo, I-I’m--I’m confused.

I thought you said you just bought the house.

Um, well, no, Yassir is clearly confused

Um, well, no, Yassir is clearly confused

because I wasn’t a homeowner then.

Everybody knows I just bought the house, you know, for Nomi.

Everybody knows I just bought the house, you know, for Nomi.

So, sorry, Yassir, you don’t have an alibi

unless you were doing something else at the time.

What else were you doing? Were you doing something else?

What else were you doing? Were you doing something else?

-What were you doing? -Yeah, I-I got confused.

I’m sorry about that, Dawn.

I’m sorry about that, Dawn.

Uh, I was at home...

alone.

alone.

You know that’s, like, the opposite of an alibi?

No, I was at Home Alone, the movie.

No, I was at Home Alone, the movie.

I was at a test screening for the movie Home Alone.

I was at a test screening for the movie Home Alone.

-Well, there you go. -[Dawn] Okay.

[Yassir] Was in a theater full of children,

the only adult there,

but we all equally had a good time.

but we all equally had a good time.

I believe him. Case closed.

So we all have an alibi.

-Almost. -Oh, me?

-Almost. -Oh, me?

Oh, what was I doing? Oh, I remember.

I had a meeting with a high-velocity bullet

I had a meeting with a high-velocity bullet

straight through my fucking chest.

I’m the only one who almost died, Dick Face-y!

I’m the only one who almost died, Dick Face-y!

-Twice! Na-d’oy! -Exactly, almost.

Seems pretty clear to me

Seems pretty clear to me

that the only one who’s profited from all

of these near-death experiences is you, Pfaff.

of these near-death experiences is you, Pfaff.

You know, that’s actually a really good point,

’cause didn’t a therapist who just happened to know

’cause didn’t a therapist who just happened to know

all your secrets just mysteriously get electrocuted?

Eh.

And a pastor who had you in his back pocket

And a pastor who had you in his back pocket

-got shot in the face. -Okay, come on.

Huh, not so na-d’oy, now, is it?

Huh, not so na-d’oy, now, is it?

Oh, Blair, all the shit you’ve done--

there’s nothing I wouldn’t put past you.

Don’t you mean after all the shit

Don’t you mean after all the shit

you’ve done to me, Maurice?

[chair clatters loudly]

Oh, we’re gonna do this, huh?

Oh, we’re gonna do this, huh?

[chair clatters loudly]

Guess that black eye is getting lonely--it wants a twin.

-All right. -Okay, I’ll kick my chair, too.

-All right. -Okay, I’ll kick my chair, too.

[chair clatters loudly]

Pfft.

[Mo] Look, you want to do this shit,

let’s fucking do this shit.

let’s fucking do this shit.

Where were you, Blair, when all those bodies

were dropping around you?

-Where was I? -Okay.

No, I’m sure--I mean, you were right there, of course.

No, I’m sure--I mean, you were right there, of course.

That’s the entire thing about near-death.

Yeah.

The proximity of you to death is--okay, that’s clear.

I’m saying all those bodies

I’m saying all those bodies

standing between you and your career.

I mean, come to think of it, shit, Roger,

I mean, come to think of it, shit, Roger,

your even-- fucking your dad died

while he was beating you!

-[gasps] -Ooh.

Oh, my God, I may talk a big game,

Oh, my God, I may talk a big game,

but remind me to stay out of your way, killer.

You really are a monster.

-Yeah? -Oh, we’re gonna do this shit?

-Yeah? -Oh, we’re gonna do this shit?

-[Keith] Whoa, hey! -[Dawn] Hey, come on, guys!

[agent] Pfaff, you’re up! Now!

Just go.

You’re lucky.

Yeah, I really dodged a bullet.

[agent] Come on, break it up.

[agent] Come on, break it up.

Okay, I’m coming! I’m an American Congressman.

[agent] Shut the fuck up.

♪♪ dramatic music ♪♪

♪♪ dramatic music ♪♪

Out.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Apologies, sir.

Apologies, sir.

I’m just trying to make this look legit.

Yeah, I’m good.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Yowza, that was a close call, Congressman.

I’m glad we got you out of there when we did.

I’m glad we got you out of there when we did.

Yeah, well, I was just staying in character.

Well, then the Tony goes to you, sir,

Well, then the Tony goes to you, sir,

because you sure had me fooled.

-[Blair chuckles] -[truck door closes]

Oh, speaking of fooled, I can’t believe

Oh, speaking of fooled, I can’t believe

they don’t realize we’ve got the entire place wired.

-Here, check it out on these. -Thanks.

Is that a toilet?

Yeah, that’s for shitting and pissing.

Yeah, that’s for shitting and pissing.

I know the old gay Blair just ain’t what he used to be,

but once in a while, I get a glimpse of who he was.

but once in a while, I get a glimpse of who he was.

That kid just doesn’t deserve

whatever they’re doing to him right now.

whatever they’re doing to him right now.

That kid grew up to be a sociopath, Dawn...

one that we’ve all had a motive to kill

from time to time, even you.

from time to time, even you.

And I’m not the one behind all that crazy shit,

but let me tell you, I will freely admit,

that motherfucker is highly murderable.

that motherfucker is highly murderable.

-[Dawn] Yes. -[Keith] Piece of shit.

[Yassir] I just don’t like him.

Uh, Agent, that collective murmur

Uh, Agent, that collective murmur

was basically a confession.

Now, get to grilling so I can get to the bottom of this.

[splutters] No can doodle.

[splutters] No can doodle.

Liaising with the NYPD to kidnap your friends--

sorry, suspects-- already puts us

in a gray area human rights-wise.

in a gray area human rights-wise.

All we can do is scare ’em, try to get ’em talking,

hope something kind of shakes out.

hope something kind of shakes out.

Awesome.

So, uh, kids, I can’t help but notice

how you’re looking and feeling so well.

how you’re looking and feeling so well.

Oh, come on.

So again I ask you, where’s the party at?

And I swear to God, if you lie to me--

And I swear to God, if you lie to me--

Okay.

Mo...

...the truth is... I was trying this on--

...the truth is... I was trying this on--

We were headed to Nomi’s album release party.

-We’re sorry. -What the fuck?

-What did you say? -That’s what the truth is.

-What did you say? -That’s what the truth is.

-That’s not what I meant! -Her record release--

Fuck!

Fucking Nomi lied to me. Look, you know what, Dawn?

Fucking Nomi lied to me. Look, you know what, Dawn?

I don’t know if it’s jealousy or whatever the fuck it is

that’s making you drive this wedge

between me and my woman, but you need to knock it off!

between me and my woman, but you need to knock it off!

You know what? Talk about revisionist history.

It was your woman that ordered the McDLT.

[Keith] Wait, McDLT?

[Keith] Wait, McDLT?

What the fuck does McDonald’s

delicious bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich

have to do with any of this shit?

have to do with any of this shit?

Well, you know how they keep the veggies and the meat

-in separate compartments? -Yeah.

Well, that’s how Nomi wants her love life with Mo

Well, that’s how Nomi wants her love life with Mo

and her career with me-- separate, to keep it fresh.

-[Keith chuckles] -And what happened

-[Keith chuckles] -And what happened

to you, Yass, huh?

I thought you were Team Mo Better Jazz, Yass.

You always kept it on the level with me, man.

You always kept it on the level with me, man.

You--I mean, Jesus Christ, you were my only friend

-when I was on the run. -Your only friend?

I moved to Miami for you,

I moved to Miami for you,

and you fucking locked me in a safe.

You know why they call it a safe, Keith?

Because it keeps things safe.

Because it keeps things safe.

[Yassir] I am your friend.

You wouldn’t have even been able

to do the Amerisavings thing without me.

-That was you? -Hey--Now, hold on.

-That was you? -Hey--Now, hold on.

You fucking snitch!

[Keith] Fuck, now I’m late to pick up my kids.

This is great.

I’m officially a deadbeat dad now.

I’m officially a deadbeat dad now.

Great.

Well, they were talking about who tried to kill you

until they tried to kill each other.

until they tried to kill each other.

-You know what this is? -A total waste of time.

My mom and my stepdad. Yeah, same exact shit.

My mom and my stepdad. Yeah, same exact shit.

It’s like they needed something to fight about,

except, uh, their Nomi

except, uh, their Nomi

was my dad’s second family in Ottawa.

I don’t care.

I don’t care.

One of them is trying to kill me.

Can’t you do something?

[sighs]

Send in the last party guest.

Send in the last party guest.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Are you fucking kidding me?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[Wayne] Good evening!

[all] Wayne?

Where have I been, you no doubt conject.

Where have I been, you no doubt conject.

Excellent query.

After my brush with the law,

the only job I could get was a limo driver.

the only job I could get was a limo driver.

Driving around this wretched city,

I became obsessed with mending the wounds

I inflicted on this broken world.

I inflicted on this broken world.

And I stopped doing a shitload of drugs on the daily.

[Keith] Huh.

[Keith] Huh.

As my mental acuity grew,

I spent my time volunteering at a woman’s shelter,

helping victims achieve street justice

helping victims achieve street justice

in a cool, feminist Equalizer kind of way.

in a cool, feminist Equalizer kind of way.

Eh, that’d be a good show.

Now, as far as society is concerned,

Now, as far as society is concerned,

I am the very model of a modern major minority.

I think I speak for everyone, when I say, huh?

I think I speak for everyone, when I say, huh?

What the fuck is all of this? [chuckles]

We haven’t seen you for almost a year, Wayne,

and you come in here looking like--I mean, Jesus Christ,

and you come in here looking like--I mean, Jesus Christ,

where’s the Wayne that I used to know who’d pull his dick out

and wave it around in a very offensive manner?

At least that guy I understood.

At least that guy I understood.

All right, speaking of dicks,

-where’s our Congressman? -Cops got him.

They beat the shit out of him

They beat the shit out of him

before he got here, too, black eye and everything.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

[Wayne] So have you figured out why we’re here?

We thought to find out who tried to kill Blair.

We thought to find out who tried to kill Blair.

Or who Blair tried to kill.

Or did kill.

Or did kill.

Well, we all have alibis, so there’s no mystery to solve.

On the contrary.

By my count, there are three obvious mysteries

in this very room.

Which would you like me to solve first?

Which would you like me to solve first?

One, why is Dawn fidgeting with that ring on her necklace?

Two, who orchestrated this haunted house charade?

And three, who shot Blair and killed his colleagues?

And three, who shot Blair and killed his colleagues?

Three, I say three.

Yeah, number three is the sexier headline,

Yeah, number three is the sexier headline,

but I’m gonna roll back to número uno.

Dawn, what is that ring?

Dawn, what is that ring?

I’m sorry? Come on--Fuck this.

Mo, I’m really not in the mood, okay?

That’s why it’s purple.

That’s why it’s purple.

It’s a mood ring, and purple means

I’m over it, so move on.

I’m over it, so move on.

It’s not because it’s an amethyst?

Actually, I’m--I’m--I’m not familiar with that stone.

You’re not familiar with your own birthstone?

You’re not familiar with your own birthstone?

Get off my fucking ass

and stop asking me the dumb questions!

That’s Nomi’s engagement ring.

That’s Nomi’s engagement ring.

I’d recognize it anywhere.

It took me forever to find the fucking thing.

What I don’t know is why it’s around your neck.

What I don’t know is why you bought

What I don’t know is why you bought

Nomi a birthstone for February

when she was fucking born in June.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Because our love was born in February.

Don’t change the subject, Dawn.

No, I was still in prison.

No, I was still in prison.

They let me out February 28th,

which means you met Nomi March first.

-Okay, so I was wrong. -Yeah.

-Okay, so I was wrong. -Yeah.

I’ll ask you again. Why is it around your neck?

I was...

I was...

holding it for her while she performed,

and I just-- I forgot to give it back.

[scoffs]

[scoffs]

I used to lie, too, when Shira would ask me,

"Why are you not wearing your ring?"

And I’d be like, "Oh, I left it at the gym,"

And I’d be like, "Oh, I left it at the gym,"

or, "Rings on men are so gay,"

or, "I left it at Jim’s, who’s so not gay."

Shut the fuck up, please. And I’m not lying.

Shut the fuck up, please. And I’m not lying.

Then why didn’t you just say all that in the first place?

Because I’ve just had a really bad day

Because I’ve just had a really bad day

where I’m, like, in extras holding

in the fucking Exorcist.

Jesus, let me, like, try to breathe!

Jesus, let me, like, try to breathe!

[imitates ragged breathing]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Wait.

Wait.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

How did it take you forever to find the ring,

when you’ve only known Nomi for a few weeks?

when you’ve only known Nomi for a few weeks?

Getting warmer.

Why did you buy Nomi’s ring before you met her?

Why did you buy Nomi’s ring before you met her?

I don’t know what you’re asking me exactly.

And why was it an amethyst?

And why was it an amethyst?

Hot, hot, hot.

And why did Yassir put a bow on your new house

on my favorite street the day that I was supposed

on my favorite street the day that I was supposed

-to come home from prison? -Mm.

Oh, shit. That was a painting of me!

Oh, my God, saying it out loud

Oh, my God, saying it out loud

is finally what helped you put it all together?

You were gonna propose to me?

Again.

Hey, cops, please come take me away.

Hey, cops, please come take me away.

I did it. I killed everybody!

No need for a trial. Just shoot me in the face.

Put me out of my misery.

Put me out of my misery.

Do you think they still have a chance?

I don’t think you’re gonna have a chance to cop a feel

I don’t think you’re gonna have a chance to cop a feel

until you start acting like a fucking professional.

Guess I should get to it, shouldn’t I?

We sure did learn a lot tonight about you

and how truly hated you are

by all the people who know you best.

by all the people who know you best.

I wouldn’t say that.

After hearing you double-crossed Mo...

Well, for a good reason.

...and sent Dawn to prison...

...and sent Dawn to prison...

All those circumstances were beyond my control.

...the suicides on Black Monday...

That was a very sensitive day.

That was a very sensitive day.

...I would say, in my professional assessment,

that you sound like a real piece of shit.

that you sound like a real piece of shit.

Okay.

But, uh, the one thing that I couldn’t shake

was what Mo said about all the folks

was what Mo said about all the folks

who stood in your way, so I had the boys

do a little, uh, database digging.

do a little, uh, database digging.

Fucking technology.

Your dad died of a heart attack, right?

Yes. Suddenly.

Yes. Suddenly.

But the autopsy said that they found glass

in his intestines, pancreas, and kidneys.

in his intestines, pancreas, and kidneys.

The guy was a fucking snow globe.

[chuckles]

Well, I guess it’s true what they say,

Well, I guess it’s true what they say,

we all eat so many things without knowing it.

-Hair and spiders and whatnot. -According to who?

-Hair and spiders and whatnot. -According to who?

Exactly-- the World Health Organization,

that is who, so I think we could

that is who, so I think we could

probably just rule out my decades-dead dad

from the suspect list, yeah?

from the suspect list, yeah?

Problem is, we just can’t rule you out, can we?

What the fuck is this? This a setup?

What the fuck is this? This a setup?

It wasn’t until all your dirty friends

started smelling a lot cleaner than you.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Throw him back, fellas.

-You want your confession? -No, no, no!

-You want your confession? -No, no, no!

Go get it yourself, Congressman.

[Blair] Okay.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

MoMo...

Why didn’t you tell me?

Why didn’t you tell me?

-The truth? -Yeah.

You’d already made up your mind.

You’d already made up your mind.

I just felt like the lie

made more sense at the time, you know, for you.

made more sense at the time, you know, for you.

[door opens]

-I had no idea-- -[Blair] Hey, Mo!

-I had no idea-- -[Blair] Hey, Mo!

If I’m so highly murderable, take your best shot.

Let’s do this.

Let’s do this.

Wait a second. You were listening to us?

I thought you were getting your fucking dick lopped off.

Yeah, I was listening to you.

Yeah, I was listening to you.

And by the way, you’re a horrible father.

You make Bill Cosby look like Cliff Huxtable.

-We all know he’s a rapist. -[Dawn] I do.

My cousin did crafty on Ghost Dad...

Are you saying Bill Cosby is a rapist...

...and they called him Pill Cosby...

...and they called him Pill Cosby...

...or Cliff Huxtable is the rapist?

Yeah, I guess he does talk about Spanish fly a lot.

Whoa! Bill Cosby is a rapist?

Whoa! Bill Cosby is a rapist?

-I have to get rid... -Wait a second.

[Yassir] ...of my entire sweater collection.

You set this up.

You fucking set me up to betray Mo?

You fucking set me up to betray Mo?

Wait, you--hold on, wait a minute.

-No, okay. -[Mo] Betray Mo?

So that’s why you were trying to find out

So that’s why you were trying to find out

where I was so bad, K-man.

Yeah, so you could have Blair’s goons scoop me up?

No, that was not--No, he told me he wanted to call you

-to tell you good news, right? -I just heard you!

-to tell you good news, right? -I just heard you!

-Good news, he said to me-- -Wait!

So that’s why you were the only person

that was taken out of here for questioning?

that was taken out of here for questioning?

-[Wayne] Brava. -Holy shit.

- I knew, once he had a black eye,

- I knew, once he had a black eye,

that it was his ruse.

A true black eye wouldn’t appear

until hours later, not until the capillaries

until hours later, not until the capillaries

leaked into the surrounding tissue,

but for a former theater kid with a small bruise kit,

but for a former theater kid with a small bruise kit,

he could make it look convincing...

and fetching, I might add.

-Thank you, Wayne. -Yeah, thank you, Wayne.

-Thank you, Wayne. -Yeah, thank you, Wayne.

And you, you really think that one of us

is behind this thing, trying to kill you?

is behind this thing, trying to kill you?

[scoffs] You really do need a checkup from the neck up,

’cause if you keep this shit up, one of us really might.

Oh, Mo, Dawn just wanted to be friends, huh?

Oh, Mo, Dawn just wanted to be friends, huh?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Let me tell you something.

Let me tell you something.

Me not marrying Dawn was the best thing

-that ever happened to me. -Oh.

-Wait, wait, what? -Okay, no, no, not like that.

-Wait, wait, what? -Okay, no, no, not like that.

Don’t let him fuck us up. That’s not what--

You know what? Fuck you, Blair.

-No, no, no, fuck you, Mo. -Fuck my life.

-No, no, no, fuck you, Mo. -Fuck my life.

Fuck ’em all. Remember that?

You wish I would have married your ass,

which is why you asked three times.

That’s some simple-ass hat trick shit.

That’s some simple-ass hat trick shit.

No, I’m glad you said no to me,

because if you’d said yes,

I would have never met the love of my life.

I would have never met the love of my life.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

-Yeah, that’s right? -That’s right, Dawn.

-Yeah, that’s right? -That’s right, Dawn.

And it drives you crazy.

That’s why you stole her from me.

I didn’t steal her. I saved her from you.

You wish that we had had the same kind of relationship

You wish that we had had the same kind of relationship

that Nomi and I have.

Is that why Nomi asked me to hold on to her ring?

Is that why Nomi asked me to hold on to her ring?

The real reason is ’cause she doesn’t want anyone to know

she’s fucking engaged to you.

And scene!

And scene!

Congratulations for telling each other lies.

Let me tell you something.

Let me tell you something.

There is a long history of labels

making their artists seem single for record sales.

-Yeah? -Want some examples?

-Yeah? -Want some examples?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Give me a fucking break. I’ll come up with some.

I’m on the spot. I don’t have anybody.

Yeah, ’cause you’re fucking wrong.

Yeah, ’cause you’re fucking wrong.

The truth is it’s got nothing to do with her being engaged

and everything to do with her being engaged to you.

It’s you, Mo. It’s fucking you.

It’s you, Mo. It’s fucking you.

If you were young and cool, you’d help her career.

-But you’re not. -[Keith] God damn it!

-But you’re not. -[Keith] God damn it!

This group is so fucking easily distractible!

Okay, we are here because this guy set us up,

Okay, we are here because this guy set us up,

and he’s the reason I’m not gonna see my kids again.

And the reason that I’m gonna miss

And the reason that I’m gonna miss

Nomi’s album release party.

Yeah, you’re the reason that we are gonna miss

Nomi’s album release party!

Nomi’s album release party!

Which is still very upsetting to me.

[Blair] Okay!

-It’s upsetting to all of us! -So what?

Okay, I’m sorry.

Okay, I’m sorry.

I’m just so tired

of feeling like I’m the bad guy.

of feeling like I’m the bad guy.

You are.

[Keith] Oh!

Man down!

Back the fuck up, Mo!

-[Keith] Finally, someone-- -Fuck you!

-I feel like you don’t-- -What the fuck, Yassir?

-Wayne, this is for the ladies! -[door opens]

-Wayne, this is for the ladies! -[door opens]

-Fuck all of y’all! -[agent] Hey, that’s enough.

You’re all free to go.

[agent] We only have the black site till nine,

[agent] We only have the black site till nine,

so scram.

[Dawn] And shut the fuck up!

-[Yassir] Jesus. -[Dawn] Little bitches.

-[Yassir] Jesus. -[Dawn] Little bitches.

[Keith] What the fuck did I do?

♪♪ ’80s synth music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

I was on my way to the Met to drop off a big wig

when the cops jumped in and made me drive here,

but at least I can drive you guys home.

but at least I can drive you guys home.

There’s plenty of room for everyone.

I’ll pull it around.

Hey, Wayne, you said you, uh, knew

Hey, Wayne, you said you, uh, knew

who tried to kill Blair and who killed all the others,

-the last mystery. -Absolutely.

-the last mystery. -Absolutely.

The killer’s obviously--

Hey, check this out-- a remote lock/unlock.

Hey, check this out-- a remote lock/unlock.

[chuckles] Isn’t that rad?

Fucking technology.

[car beeps]

[car beeps]

-[Dawn screams] -[Yassir retches]

♪♪ Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies ♪♪

♪♪ Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies ♪♪

♪♪ Tell me lies ♪♪

♪♪ Tell me, tell me lies ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, no, no, you can’t disguise ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, no, no, you can’t disguise ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ You can’t disguise ♪♪

♪♪ You can’t disguise ♪♪

♪♪ No, you can’t disguise ♪

♪♪ Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Tell me lies ♪♪

♪♪ Tell me, tell me lies ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, no, no, you can’t disguise ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, no, no, you can’t disguise ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ You can’t disguise ♪♪

♪♪ No, you can’t disguise ♪

♪♪ Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies ♪♪

♪♪ Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies ♪♪

♪♪ Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Tell me, tell me lies ♪♪