Original subtitles

_

And so I thought I'd give

investigative journalism a whirl.

Well, get a hot scoop, follow some leads,

write an expose.

Do I... know you?

Hayley Smith. Remember the name.

I'm gonna be a famous journalist,

really blow the lid off something.

Not sure what yet.

But, hey, that's what the class is for,

nahwhatimeanbrah?

Ow.

Stomp the presses.

_

Cool butt. Congratulations.

Journalism. Is. Dead.

This class is mainly gonna focus

on picking out the best gifs for listicles.

That's what journalism is now.

Oh, no!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

- Mmm! - Oh, my God, Franny.

Are you kidding me with this watermelon?

Does anyone love watermelon more than us?

Is this the best day of our whole lives?

- Mmm. - You gonna say something or...?

Watermelon?

I'm too depressed.

Okay. Mmm.

It's just that, I was really excited about journalism.

But my professor said journalism's dead.

W-What do you think?

Should I continue or just give up?

You could continue,

you could give up...

Right. T-That's what I'm asking.

I mean, should I look for a story?

Or should I drop the class?

Any way you want it, that's the way you need it.

Any way you want it.

You're not saying anything.

I-I want your advice.

Hello?

Beans? In a salad?

Okay...

Are you pretending to be on the phone?

Cool.

Well, I'm gonna go get high in my room

at 2:00 p.m. on a Wednesday.

Do you have any thoughts on that?

Wednesday... it's not spelled how it sounds.

Ugh!

Mmm.

- The [BLEEP] was that? - My parenting style, baby!

You know my philosophy... "benevolent neglect."

I don't know.

As a mother, you can't be there all the time.

Eventually, you're going to let her down.

So how do you prepare her for that?

By letting her down early and often.

So, you're saying you're not gonna be there for her.

Yes. And that's for her, ya dig?

Ow! I dig, I dig!

What's Mrs S's problem?

My babe is lost.

Just give my babe some guidance.

Maybe I'm not lost.

And maybe my professor is wrong.

And maybe I already know everything about journalism.

Been saying that about you for years.

I'm just gonna look for a story.

That last hit was a mistake.

I can see that now.

I'm too high.

Me too, babe!

Maybe my story's about clouds.

Like, how... where are they sometimes?

Is this something?

I have a worm in my mouth.

"Something to do with clouds."

_

Something to do with bubbles?

We should've brought a car.

Stomp the presses.

- Butts. - ♪ Cool, baby, know what I'm sayin'? ♪

♪ Left cheek, right cheek, left cheek, right cheek ♪

♪ Show off, show off, show off ♪

♪ Show off, boom ♪

Jeff, I have been noticing

a lot of cool butts in town recently.

My reporter's instinct is telling me

to follow 'em, find their source.

I'm gonna follow a different lead.

Eat me, red spaghetti!

♪ Now let me see that booty work, booty work ♪

♪ Booty, boo-boo-booty work ♪

♪ Left cheek, right cheek, left cheek, right cheek ♪

♪ Show off, show off, show off ♪

♪ Show off, boom ♪

♪ Boo-boo-booty work ♪

HG.

Huh. But what does it stand for?

Holy grail!

Stomp the premsses! I got a hot scoomp!

But I'll have to go undercover.

I'm just a regular Hayley.

My hat's in the dumpster.

Okay...

Did you need to sign up for a class?

'Cause she's about to start.

- Who she? - Holly?

HG? The queen of dance cardio?

- Hello? - Hello.

We specialize in the Holly method,

the only technique proven to make you a new you.

The first class is free.

We will need a credit card, though.

The class itself is free.

What you get from the class costs $500.

That's too high of a money!

This is an expensive gym where people have good butts.

I don't think that's a story. Damn.

You look lost.

Well, you look...

...a-ma-ma-ma-mazing.

You reek of weed.

It's the middle of the day.

It's Wednesday.

Do you have any thoughts on that?

It's not spelled how it sounds?

You're lost. I just said so myself.

But I can help.

You need someone to tell you what to do.

You need me.

Yes.

- Yes, what? - Yes, mommy.

You did it.

You said the right answer.

♪ Booty work, booty work ♪

♪ Booty, boo-boo-booty work ♪

♪ Left cheek, right cheek ♪

_

We gotta confuse the muscles to get results.

When I say leg, I mean bicep.

Just follow me.

I am in charge of your body now.

Gimme an amen.

Amen!

Good.

Sip some agua, grab some protein,

get those bank routing numbers to Lindsay,

and let's get back out there.

Oh, hey, Hayley.

How's journalism class going?

Mom, I dropped that class months ago.

I am a one-class-at-a-time kind of person.

And right now, it's five workout classes a day,

seven days a week.

But only one class at a time.

That's a physical limitation I have.

Can't be in two classes at once.

And I would if I could, and HG knows that.

She gets that I'm dedicated.

She hasn't said it, but sometimes I can feel

her eyes graze over me,

and I feel oceans of approval and love.

One day, I am gonna get a DMT.

That stands for distressed muscle tank.

The DMTs get to work out next to HG.

I just gotta put in the time, keep getting better.

I'm gonna go fill up my mattress with ice and rest up for later.

So, Hayley's in a cult.

Yeah, an exercise cult.

No. It's a real cult, Roger.

Like Jonestown with ankle weights.

And I should know.

I've been in more cults than anyone.

Remind me?

_

Francine! Is that the scrapbook I hear?

I don't have my keys!

I left them in the car when I rolled out of it!

- Scrapbook! - Scrapbook?

- Oh, shit! - Scrapbook! Yay!

Oh, wow. Remember this?

I liked wearing all the red and orange clothes.

Oh, this was this vegan one.

We ate so much spelt.

Some people had a lot of sex with the guy.

Those cupcakes ended up being poisoned.

Still have those Nikes somewhere.

Honey, you might fall for cults, but let's be real...

cults also fall for you.

Frann-ay!

Always skyrocketing right into the inner circle.

True.

I'm either a right-hand man or a high-up wife.

Oh, God, and there's me on the altar.

You were gonna sacrifice me.

But then the knife broke!

Ah! That was fun. I needed that.

But I gotta get back to it.

Same.

Yeah, it's a big time of year for me.

You've been in a lot of cults. I remember now.

Yeah, cults are really fun,

but I have a sixth-sense about when the fun is over.

You know, when there's gonna be a FBI raid

or mass soo-ey, or blend up beavers

and put it in the town's water supply.

Cool.

How and why did we get into this convo again?

- Hayley is in a cult. - Riiight.

You gonna help her get out?

I'm not helping her.

She's gotta get out by herself because...

Benevolent neglect!

Speaking of which, you know what I neglect sometimes?

My own needs.

That's not a joke. It's something sad.

Whooooo! Let's do this!

What's going on?

Everyone huddle up for a second.

We're having a bit of a problem.

The Fire Marshall's been sniffing around.

He wants to do an "inspection,"

and we all know what that means.

He's gonna come in here and try to shut us down.

Guns?

They have to be worth $600 each!

And you're just giving them to us?

Is this real?

Hey, girl, what that?

It's my gym gun.

Anyway, I'm just here to grab some extra clothes

and all of my important documents.

I'm gonna be living at the gym from now on,

for maximum readiness.

Honey, what if, just like, as a readiness exercise,

I said, don't go live at the gym?

I'd call you a CV and tell you to suck my butt.

And a CV is...?

A commitment vampire.

It's the worst thing you can be.

Cool. Perfect answer.

Looks like the fun is over at HG studio.

Unfortunately, Hayley doesn't seem to have

my sense of cult timing.

I'm gonna have to help get her out.

What happened to benevolent neglect?

Too late for benevolent neglect!

We've got a new plan.

It's called...

Francine's plan.

Keep the car running. I'll be right out.

Vroom vroom.

Mom?!

Did I inspire you?

Yeah.

Let me just say, you have amazing taste.

I wish the first cult I ever joined was this nice.

- Not a cult. - It's a great space.

I'm seeing a super-charismatic leader.

The inner circle has sick-ass tanks.

DMTs.

- Primo cult, for sure. - Damn right.

But shit is about to go down.

We have to get you out of here right now.

Okay, suck my butt.

Since when do you have advice for me?

We will deprogram you later, but for now, just listen.

The schematics show a window in the bathroom.

We're gonna slip out.

Roger is waiting outside with the car running.

There was a funny smell in the car,

and I couldn't get the windows down.

Had to use that hammer to get out.

The little hammer for if you drive into a river?

Anyway, have you seen HG?

I'm all in, Franny.

All. In.

Roger gets it!

And you're a CV.

And I have to report any CV behavior.

- HG! - HG!

HG, I love you!

Do you see me, HG?

First day, HG! Very impressive, yes?

Hi, ladies! Fire Marshall here.

I'm just gonna take a quick looky-loo,

and I will be out of your hair.

Fire Marshall?

Fire Marshall Bill! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.

Remember that? Oh, my God, so funny.

I'm honored you all have taken such an interest in my work!

Hmm. All the windows are sealed shut.

That's gonna be a no-go.

No one's getting out of there in a hurry.

I'm not lovin' that.

Whoa. Loose floorboard?

When I was a kid,

my grandma tripped on a loose floorboard

and fell on her butt.

It was so embarrassing!

I'm gonna have to close this place down.

Just leave!

No one shuts us down over a loose floorboard!

Aah! Ah! My tiny gun went off!

Y-You shot me in the tummy!

Oh, my God!

- What do we do? - Everything is okay.

This needed to happen.

It was necessary.

It had to happen, HG.

Here's the good news...

This brought us to phase two.

Just a little sooner than planned.

Yeah, phase two, HG.

This new woman... what's your name?

- HG? - No.

Then Britney M.

Welcome to the inner circle.

Two tosses for Britney M.

Yay!

In 20 minutes, we're gonna load up the buses,

head to the airfield, and take off

for our remote studio location in the jungles of the Congo.

Everyone have your passports?

Just kidding. We have your passports.

- Ugh! - Don't worry.

We have your passports.

I'm part of the "we."

You saw what I saw.

There's still time.

We can't leave the country with these people.

You're right. That was crazy.

I wanna go home.

Just follow me behind the bus, and then start running.

Good work, Francine.

What are you doing?!

Betraying you, getting a cool tank top.

It looks great on you, Francine.

You've got the good shoulders for it.

So do I, though.

And up and back and kick,

front, table top, extend.

I mean, I love HG, but what you did was savage.

Sold out your own kid for a DMT.

My voice is the only voice I should hear.

Sorry, HG.

I mean, I get it. I shot a guy.

But I'm like you... I don't even feel bad about it.

Shhhh! Britney M.

Almost done, HG.

And she's fine. She's in non-prison confinement.

I don't wanna go to non-prison, but Hayley's probably okay.

- Oh, God. - Ooof.

- I know. It's really hot in here, right? - Shhhh!

And then, I put a little bit of mint, banana, a green apple.

Sometimes.

It's packed with, like, everything...

flax, chia, fish oil, CBD oil, coconut oil,

olive oil, pennzoil... it's very oily.

Don't spill it, because you'll be cleaning

for the rest of the morning.

But you'll have crazy energy if you get any in your mouth.

How long do I have to be in here?

Until you're ready to dance again.

You mean I can just go back to class?

Sure.

But if you are gonna make the smoothie,

do not smoke for up to 36 hours after.

You will explode.

Hayley, I'm so sorry.

I never should have betrayed you for this tank top,

even though I look amazing.

We gotta get out of here, for real.

I shouldn't trust you.

Okay, meet me tonight. I know a way.

Also, I figured out which one of the girls has the bad B.O.

It's me.

Just a little further.

Ah, here it is!

You see, HG? I told you!

She's the real CV!

Hayley!

Oh, what, Mom?

I wanna be in the inner circle.

I feel really left out!

I'll take my DMT now, thank you.

You better watch your back!

That DMT is mine.

No, that DMT is mine, actually.

You two are a lot of trouble,

and I don't have time for this.

You're both going to non-prison.

- What?! - What?!

Ooooh! You made mommy maaaaad.

Shh! You talk too much.

A criticism!

A flying caterpillar!

What is wrong with us?

It's not us.

It's the cult. We're brainwashed.

Yeah, but we're the ones who decided to join a cult.

That's true.

Why do I keep joining cults?

What is that about?

Maybe it has something to do with my mom.

She was always telling me what to do, what to think.

I hated it!

But maybe on some level,

I keep looking to re-create it?

I think it's the opposite for me.

I was dying for someone to tell me what to do,

or at least just give me some advice.

I'd like you to be that person.

I'm sorry.

I just didn't want to be like my mom.

You're not your mom.

But I do need you to be my mom.

I can do that.

Should we start a coup against HG?

Are you ready for my motherly advice?

Yes.

Let's dance.

Listen up, ladies!

I've been in a lot of cults in my life,

and I know what's up.

HG acts like a god, but she's just a person.

A very hot, charismatic person

with a great exercise regimen

that gives us confidence

and the direction that we need in our lives,

and cool butts that look like two stuck-together onions!

Yay!

No! No.

She means, HG is a bad person.

And we're all brainwashed!

She's got us exercising in a jungle for 10 hours a day!

Let's band together and get out of here!

And she keeps shushing me. It's so rude.

What's with all the loose floorboards?

Okay, she's not even hurt.

What gives?

The bullets went right through her!

She is a god!

Oh, shit, she is!

My bad, HG!

Kneel before me.

And remember to activate your core

as you beg for my forgiveness.

Huh?

Uh, eyes up.

My butt is up here.

She's not a god!

She's not even a person!

She's a hologram!

Uh... occupado?

It's a big, gross man!

On a toilet.

Eating oysters?

Out of a garbage bag?

Oh, look who it is... scoomby-doo.

So, Holly was a hologram.

HG equals Holly Graham.

You figured it out.

Come on, it's funny! It's a joke.

You guys should smile more, by the way.

Yikes, dude. What is your deal?

My deal?

No one ever asked the Wizard of Oz what his deal was.

He could sit behind a curtain, spying on munkins,

and I can't ogle women through one-way glass?

I've committed no crimes here.

Why do I discard the shells into the same sack

I take the fresh ones out of?

Uh, I frustrate myself. I should get two sacks.

Sometimes you gotta swish around

and look for the loosies at the bottom.

Oooh! Jackpot!

Ugh! Oh, that was a loogie.

I should not be spitting my loogies in there.

See?! You think I'm disgusting.

This is why I need to hide behind the mirror

in the first place!

You never would have just let me steal your money

so I could watch you dance all day

while I sit on my little toilet,

digging through my garbage bag full of oysters.

I had to be smart about it.

I see. You're all on your periods or whatever.

- Ooh! - ♪ Show off, show off, show off ♪

♪ Boom, show off ♪

Ooh! Ooh!

♪ Now let me see that booty work, booty work ♪

♪ Booty, boo-boo-booty work ♪

I never should have made you so strong!

One last request... put me back on the toilet.

I wanna die with dignity!

- Suck our butts! - Suck our butts!

Buh-bye! See you soon.

- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com