All language subtitles for (2014)Candlestick[ING]

(Slow violin playing)

(Fast paced violin)

(Slow violin playing)

(Fast paced violin)

(Slow suspenseful violin)

(Fast paced violin)

(Slow melancholy music)

Would you like one?

You know that I don't.

Yes, but it's
always polite to ask.

[Female] I don't know how
you can smoke those things.

I like them.

[Female] You might, but
for everyone around you

It's absolute torture.

It's like making
love to an ashtray.

I've been called worse.

You've had more
demanding women.

No one is more demanding
than you my dear.

I'm frightened to think
that might be a compliment.

I like to think
my mere presence is
complimentary enough.

(Female laughs)

Wow, that ego!

One day you might want to stop
it from doing the driving.

I'm serious!

I know.

[Male] I let you come
around here don't I?

Offer you a little
distraction when you're bored.

[Female] Distraction?

Is that what they're
calling it these days?

Well, it's more
flattering than billing you

And calling it a service.

You're right,
you're so selfless.

[Male] Just nice to know
I'm appreciated, that's all.

Oh rats.

What's the matter?

I can't find one
of my earrings.

Oh, what does it look like?

Did you see where I put it?

You'll have to forgive me.

I think my eyes were
rather distracted

While you were
getting undressed.

Don't worry, it'll turn up.

It had better, it was
an engagement present.

Humph, better
if it didn't then.

I wouldn't expect
you to understand

The concept of
sentimental value.

I can do sentiment.

Please don't go back to work.

(Female laughing)

Very convincing.

What can I say, it's a gift.

I'm sorry, I have to.

Can't you call in sick?

What, go to lunch
perfectly healthy

And come back with a cold?

What would my boss think?

To hell with your boss.

Mmm, that's harder to say
when you're married to him.

I would've thought that
would make it easier.

I am very happily married,
thank you very much.

Clearly.

I still don't know
why you married him.

He's nice.

Is that a good
enough qualification?

It's something you
might like trying.

I'll stick with being exciting

If it's all the same to you.

What, by going after
other men's wives?

You know me, I
like a challenge.

Ugh, one day somebody
is going to punch you.

And it might not be the husband.

Stay with me.

I can't.

Keep an eye out for
my earring will you?

I'll see you tonight.

A quarter past eight, right?

Frank, it's Jack.

Very well thank you, yourself?

Listen, I'm having a
little get together

At my place this evening.

Just a few interesting minds
for drinks and a game or two.

I was wondering if
you'd like to come.

Great!

How about 7:30?

Perfect.

Oh, and I've taken the
liberty of inviting Vera.

It's always a
delight to see her.

(Slow melancholy instrumental)

(Door buzzes)

Detective Inspector,
what a pleasant surprise!

Oh just Marcus today Jack.

I'm off duty.

Do come in.

Thanks.

How are you?

Oh, not to bad, not to bad.

Yourself?

Oh fine, fine.

Splendid splendid.

Can I offer you some tea?

No thanks, just a
fly invisit today.

Oh, and to what
do I owe the honor?

Well I would've
just sent you a text

But seeing as you don't
own a mobile phone.

Ghastly things, they've
ruined everything.

And I thought you might
appreciate the personal touch.

(Beeping)

Although I must admit
that mobile phones

Are a godsend in
my line of work.

That may be, but you'll
never catch me with one.

Well, maybe one day.

Anyway, Alice and I are
planning a charity event

Next Saturday with
a few friends.

A sort of murder
mystery type thing.

Oh really?!

Yes, a bit of good
ole fashion fun.

Thought it might be
right up your street.

Yes it would be, though
I'm not sure my wits

Would come close
to matching those

Of the great Inspector Evans.

No need to worry about that.

Alice has banned me
from playing along.

She's worried I might start
collecting DNA samples.

Something about an
unfair advantage.

(Laughs)

No, in this case,
I should be playing

The helpless victim
for a change.

Which should narrow down
your suspects to about

Half the population
of Pentonville.

Well I'd love to come,

Though I can't promise I
won't try to avenge you.

I'd rather you didn't.

I'm up to my neck in
paperwork as it is.

(Jack laughs)

So the evening should
begin at seven,

With dinner and then
a body at eight.

Bring a bottle.

Will do.

Before you go.

Yes?

I'm having a little gathering
here myself this evening.

Just a few close friends for
drinks and a game or two.

I was wondering whether
you'd might like to join us?

Tonight?

Yes, I appreciate
it's short notice.

What time?

Say eight-ish?

That may be a bit tricky.

Well, it would mean a
lot if you could make it.

Plus, Major Burns will
be making an appearance

And he's always a hoot.

Well, hmm, okay,
I'll see what I can do.

Wonderful.

Thank you.

Hey, not at all.

I'll see myself out.

I'll see you tonight.

Hope so.

(Clock ticking)

(Door buzzes)

Come in.

(Door buzzes)

Come in.

(Knock on door)

It's open Frank.

Sorry.

As usual.

Jack, good to see you!

Help yourself to a drink.

There's ice in the kitchen.

So, how are things?

Fine.

[Jack] Aren't you
going to offer me one?

Of course.

Cheers.

Frank, good to see you.

You too!

How are things?

Good thanks, and...

And the business?

Keeping me busy.

Glad to hear that.

I was gonna say you were
looking a little tired.

Well, I suppose I am today.

Vera went home early
complaining of a headache.

Really?

I do hope she's all right.

Oh you know Vera,
she'll be fine.

Still coming
tonight I take it?

Oh, absolutely.

Don't you worry about that.

Splendid!

No, anyway, things been a
bit hectic this afternoon,

But we're managing.

Yes, yes, I'm sure you are.

So, who else is coming?

Do you know Marcus?

You're policeman friend?

That's the one.

He may drop by.

How exciting, a chance to
beat the man at his own trade.

Or lose embarrassingly.

Hmm, oh we mustn't rule
out that possibility.

What about the Major,
is he still coming?

Yes, he should
be here any minute.

Well I'll be.

I haven't seen the
Major in years.

So much that you'd
had a lucky escape.

No Jack, he is
family after all.

(Jack laughs)

A fact that remains,
no matter how hard

I try to disprove it.

(Frank laughs)

Do you remember the time we
locked him in the cellar?

When he was getting
his afternoon bottle!

Yes!

(Frank and jack laughing)

Oh, what were we then, nine?

About that.

You know, to this day,

He still thinks that
latch jammed behind him.

(Frank laughing)
He never caught on it was us.

Us, I had nothing to do with it!

Well you hardly went to
great lengths to let him out.

You wouldn't have let me.

Well it was his own fault.

If he hadn't insisted
on calling me Jackie,

We could've had a nice
civilized afternoon.

Mind you, I wouldn't
trade listening

To him call for
help for anything.

You better not mention
that story to Vera,

I doubt she'd approve.

Yes.

Frank...

Is everything okay
between you and Vera?

Yes, but of course, why?

It's just, well,

It's probably nothing.

What's probably nothing?

Well, I went out for
lunch today in Bayswater,

Not far from your office.

While I was out, I
happened to see Vera,

With someone.

Oh, that would be Stacey.

Stacey?

Vera's old school friend.

They often meet up over lunch.

Really?

Funny that, he didn't
look much like a Stacey.

What do you mean he?

You're right, as I said,
it's probably nothing.

Jack...

Are you seriously suggesting
what I think you're suggesting?

That your wife is
having an affair?

Yes.

With who?

Whom?

What?

With whom.

Jack is this your
idea of a joke?

No.

All right fine, with whom?

I have no idea.

I just happen to see her
with some handsome fellow.

What did he look like?

Handsome, tall dark,
you know, the usual.

(Frank laughs)

No Jack...

(Frank laughs)

Now that's absurd.

Is it?

Of course!

Vera and I are very
happy together.

Everything's perfect in fact.

If you say so.

No, you must've been mistaken.

Yes, perhaps you're right.

No, no, Vera may have
some secrets from me,

But she would never cheat on me.

That I can assure you.

I must say though, you did
give me quite a fright.

(Jack laughs)

I should never
have mentioned it.

Top up?

Don't mind if I do.

(Door buzzes)

Would you mind?

Certainly.

Jack my boy!

Uncle Jamie, do come in.

Nasty weather out there.

Hardly uncommon for April.

Good for the flowers they say!

Frank!

[Frank] Major,
good to see you.

Good grief it's
been a long time.

How's my favorite estate agent?

Oh, I'm in insurance now.

Really, same thing.

Look at the two of
you, all grown up.

I remember the day I
went off to Kuwait,

You were just this tall.

We weren't there.

Jack.

Of course you were there.

I mean I might be
getting a bit agey,

But the one thing that never
lets me down is my memory.

We were at school.

Jack.

Nonsense, I remember
it like it was yesterday.

In fact, come to think
of it, it probably was.

(Major burns laughs)

Can I get you a drink Major?

That is very
kind of you Frank.

But unfortunately I have
been advised not to.

Doctors orders.

Oh.

Are you sure?

I do have your favorite Cherry.

Oh, what do
doctors know anyhow?

(Major burns laughs)

So, where's this
Detective friend?

[Jack] He'll be
here soon I'm sure.

[Major Burns] Excellent,
does he know the rules?

[Jack] He solved
murders for a living,

I think he knows how
to play a board game.

[Major Burns]
That may well be,

Certainly doesn't know how
to relax of an evening.

Who does?

Well, Jackie boy,

Do you think you might
finally get to beat me?

I sense some of your misplaced
confidence there Major.

You know, I've always
admired you sense of optimism.

It's a fine quality in a man,

But never underestimate
the value of experience.

I can't, you won't let me.

[Major Burns] And don't make
it too easy for me this time.

That's why I stopped
watching Midsomer Murders.

The last series was
absolutely disgraceful.

[Jack] Wasn't
it something to do

With the excessive
sexual content?

(Major burns laughs)

On the contrary, that
would've perked it up a bit, no!

I gave up on it when I
realized that I could deduce

Who the killer was within
the first five minutes.

Five minutes!

I mean in the old days
even a average episode

Would take me at least 20,

30 if it was
particularly difficult.

I'm sure.

They won't get
far at this rate.

They're not far off being
down to a single viewer.

I'll bet it.

(Major burns laughs)

Nothing would get her
off that blasted thing.

I mean not even when they
replaced that nice...

What's his name?

Uh John Nettles.

Even that didn't do any good.

[Jack] Well, old
habits die hard.

[Major Burns] Not as
hard as those country folk.

I'm surprised there's anybody
left to murder in Midsomer!

They're murder rate is so far
above the national average.

Perfect timing!

Cheers!

Mmm, so, shall we
get the ball out?

We can't do that yet.

[Major Burns] Oh,
we're waiting on your
detective friend.

And Vera.

Who the wretched
hell is Vera?!

Vera is my wife.

Oh, it's a lovely name.

Yes.

I keep forgetting you've
yet to meet her Major.

You were certainly
missed at our wedding.

I am so sorry about
that old chap but...

But I can't be blamed if your
raging over the same weekend

As the annual crime
flicks and festival.

On the contrary, I could
hardly hope to compete

Against such a valiant cause.

Alas, she might not be
at her finest this evening.

Hmm?

Vera, something
about a headache?

[Major Burns] I must say
they are running a bit behind.

[Jake] Perhaps
it's the traffic.

You know London on a rainy day.

When the bombs were
falling everybody carried on.

These days, you show this
city a little weak rain,

Everybody just runs
for their lives.

Uncle Jamie...

Jack please.

[Jack] He wasn't even born!

I know!

[Major Burns] So Frank,

How are things in the
property business?

I work in insurance.

The same thing.

It really isn't.

[Major Burns] Honestly Frank,

I express an interest
in your business,

You've become a pedant
about the detail.

How's it going, whatever
it is that you do?

It's going well, thank you.

Even in the current climate?

Well, things are
tough for all of us,

But we're getting through it.

Well done, that's my boy.

I always admired your
entrepreneurial spirit.

You must find it very rewarding.

[Frank] Oh it is.

Both rewarding and a burden.

Like women.

Like women.

(Major burns laughs)

Cheers!

Cheers.

(Door buzzes)

Ah.

The inspector, about time!

Your impatience will be
the downfall of you uncle.

Well I just can't wait
to find out if he's right.

Gentlemen, may I present,
Scotland Yard's finest.

Well I wouldn't go that far.

Hello Jack.

Vera, what are you doing here?

My what a charming
way to greet a guest.

One that you've invited no less.

Yes, but, I'm sorry,

I just wasn't expecting
you to be early.

Neither was I.

You told me to arrive
a quarter past eight.

I must've been mistaken.

I meant at a quarter to.

[Vera] It was only when I
called Frank this afternoon

That I realized you'd
staggered our arrivals.

I hope you weren't
planning on starting

The party without me?

Why of course not,
you are the party.

Hello darling!

I don't suppose you'd like
to come let your wife in?

It's Jack's apartment.

[Vera] Excellent
deduction my love.

Jack?

[Major Burns] Let her in Jack!

Yes, yes of course.

I don't believe we've met.

Major this is my wife Vera.

James Burns, Jack's uncle.

We used to spend our
summers with him in Norfolk.

Norfolk?

No wonder you turned
out so socially awkward.

(Major burns laughing)

It's a pleasure my dear.

How do you do?

Now ole Frank was telling me
that he had a beautiful wife.

I assumed that he was
applying that exaggeration

That estate agents are prone to.

Look I'm not...

But for once it seems
he has undersold you!

Why thank you.

Hear that Frank, I think
you've got competition.

[Major Burns] How long have
you been married now you two?

Oh, just shy of two years.

[Major Burns] Excellent,
and is married life

Working out for you?

Oh we get by.

We're not totally sick of
each other just yet, are we?

You just wait til 20, you'll
be at each others throats!

(Everyone laughing)

Vera, drink?

Ah yes, I'll have a...

Gin and tonic?

[Major Burns] Jack, have
you anymore of that Cherry?

Bottle's in the kitchen Major,

You have to come
get it yourself.

Excuse me won't you while
I venture into no man's land.

How are you feeling?

Oh, much better thank you.

I think I just needed to rest.

Of course.

How was lunch?

Lunch was fine.

Where did you go?

Stacey took me to this place

Just around the corner
from the office.

I can't remember the name.

Really?

Very nice though.

Well, that's good.

Oh I did lose my earring.

How on earth did
you manage that?

I went to the
bathroom, you know,

To splash my face when
the headache came on.

I see.

And I took them off,
and before you know it,

One of them had vanished.

Huh, that's a shame.

I know, that will teach
me to drink at lunch time.

I just wish I hadn't
been so careless.

Don't worry, we'll
get you another one.

But Frank, they're
an engagement gift.

To hell with earrings,
it's a sentimental value.

[Major Burns] Vintage 74!

Worth a small fortune in the
hands of the right collector.

What a darn sight more
on the tip of my palette.

(Major burns laughs)

Marcus, listen,
I'm just wondering

When you're getting here.

See the others have arrived

And we're hoping to start the
game in the next few minutes.

Can you call me when
you get this please?

And there he was, standing
in the middle stark naked.

(Everyone laughs)

Not that old story uncle.

Well that old story's got a
lot of mileage in it dear boy.

Yes, but it's embarrassing.

It is for you, but
you wouldn't believe

The number of Cherry's
it's bought me!

Your gin and tonic,
with a bitter twist.

I didn't know you wanted
to be an actor Jack.

Oh, it was a long time ago.

[Major Burns] A
very long time ago.

What were you, nine?

[Jack] Something like that.

[Major Burns] Luckily
he grew out of it,

And chose to pursue a
more respectable career.

Alas, he still doesn't
appear to have found it.

(Major burns and Vera laughing)

Please uncle.

[Major Burns] Oh calm down
dear boy and pass the Cherry.

This boy always wanted to
be the center of attention.

He still does.

[Major Burns] You
know, I remember the day

That we first played chess

And he thought that
he'd beaten me.

Oh he was so proud.

And he ran off into the living
room to tell his parents.

I almost didn't have
the heart to tell them

That we weren't playing drafts.

(Vera laughing)

Yes, almost.

[Major Burns]
Well, it wouldn't

Have been fair on
you if I hadn't.

He always wanted to beat me
at every game that we played.

I thought it was only right

That he should wait
until he'd earned it.

Never did happen
though Jack, did it?

All in good time
Major, all in good time.

You know, I've not played
a board game in years.

Tonight might be the night!

I'm bound to be a
little bit rusty.

So I'll beat you up.

We shall see.

Spoken like a true narcissist.

When's this policeman
friend of yours coming?

I don't know.

He's running late.

Marcus isn't it?

Lovely Chap.

You now him too?

Not socially, no.

But I assisted in one of his
investigations a few years ago.

Oh wow, that
must've been exciting.

[Major Burns] It
was a great honor,

But in truth it's rather
more pc plug than Columbo.

There's a lot of waiting around

And it takes weeks for
anything to get done.

But it does mean that
our streets are safe

From the ongoing threat
of insufficient paperwork.

Well what happened?

[Major Burns] Oh I
can assure you my dear

It's not a very
interesting story.

That may be so but
I'm a firm believer

In deciding these
things for myself.

Oh, feisty one isn't she?

Well, it was two years ago,

And I was walking around
Camden one evening.

[Jack] Not a smart
idea at your age.

[Major Burns] I happen to
rather like the regions canal.

It's very nice to
appreciate nature

In the heart of the city.

[Jack] There are
parts where you can

Do that during the daytime.

But there's a reason why
they close them at night.

[Major Burns] Nonsense,
that's all bureaucracy,

It's perfectly safe.

Yes, as you were saying?

Yes, well.

I heard some
shouting coming from

Underneath one of the bridges.

It was very dark so I
couldn't see anything.

But I knew immediately that
someone was being attacked.

Or, they'd been drinking.

Jack?

[Jack] What?!

It's hardly an area well
known for it's late night

Middle class
appreciation of greenery.

You're being rude.

[Jack] On the contrary,

I just want to know how he knew
somebody was being attacked.

[Major Burns]
The sound of a man

Screaming for his life
is radically different

From the sound of a man
who can't hold his Cherry.

Speaking of which...

I can only apologize
for this nephew of yours.

One day he might
learn some manners.

(Major burns laughs)

Do continue.

Well I just did what
any decent man would do.

You threw them in the canal?

You're not funny.

Yes he is.

Frank be quiet.

You're always on his side.

Whose side are you on?

[Jack] Frank please,

I'm dying to find out
how the story ends.

Do go on uncle.

[Major Burns] Well I
shouted so that the culprits

Would know that
they'd been spotted.

They run off and I
phoned the police.

Did you get a
good look at them?

I got a better look
than the poor chap

That they were attacking.

He was terrified!

Though seemingly unharmed,

He insisted that
nothing had been taken.

Well then what happened?

[Major Burns] Well,
the police arrived,

They closed off the area,

And I told Inspector Marcus
everything that I'd seen.

So essentially you're
saying you saved the day,

By making a phone call?

[Major Burns] Well,
far be it for me

To blow my own trumpet,

But I did more
than that dear boy.

Really?

Yes.

I looked.

First, take the victim.

Alas, I can't remember his name.

Your testimony
must've been impeccable.

[Major Burns] I remembered
it when it was necessary.

Two years is a long time
to hold such details.

[Jack] And yet you
can remember everything
else perfectly?

Jack.

[Major Burns] The victim,

Was walking along the Regent's
Canal towpath after dark.

Most of it, well lit,

But when the towpath approaches
Saint Patrick's station

It is crossed by three
separate railway bridges.

These bridges border
Camden and Islington.

And as a result there's
a kind of a turf war

Between the two council's.

There is no lighting
beneath them

Because nobody wants
to take responsibility.

As a result,

At night they are
in total darkness.

The perfect spot for
a predator to prey.

Or in our case, to try
to rob some poor fellow.

There was no way that the
victim could see his attackers,

But the culprits
made one mistake.

They encountered me.

[Jack] You didn't put your
underpants over your trousers

And pretend to be
Superman did you?

[Vera] Jack.

Leave him alone.

He's making snide remarks.

Leave him alone!

[Major Burns] They started
to run towards Camden

As soon as I shouted at them.

[Jack] Oh, a huge mistake!

Jack.

Vera, what did
I just tell you?

Excuse me?

Vera.

[Vera] I'm sorry, but
I think I've just been

Ordered by my
husband to shut up.

[Major Burns] I'm
sorry, I don't want to...

[Vera] Which is
obviously much less polite

Than continually interrupting
with your snide remarks.

I'm sorry.

I do apologize Major,
what happened next?

[Major Burns] Simple,
I got a good look at them

As they ran past
me into the light.

[Vera] So you were able to
give them a good description?

[Major Burns] I
managed to give them

Far more than that, my dear.

I told them where to find them.

Really?!

Yes.

You see, it was apparent to me

That they were probably
just some local youths.

And so, I told Inspector
Marcus he'd be best if he

Concentrated his inquiries
on local off licenses

As they would almost certainly
be trying to buy alcohol.

The short one in the
middle, the gang leader...

That's a little
judgmental isn't it?

What makes you say that?

[Jack] Well it
seems to me your story

Is more of a lucky guess
than a calculated deduction.

I mean it's hardly the
speckled band is it?

[Vera] Major, I can only
assume your nephew is jealous.

[Jack] What on earth is
there to be jealous about?

See!

[Major Burns] No,
no, no, no, no, no, no,

Let him finish my dear.

What do you have
in mind dear boy?

First and foremost,
no intelligent criminal

Would go to work on
his own doorstep.

[Major Burns] I accused
them of being criminals.

I didn't accuse them
of having intelligence.

[Jack] Be that as it may,
it's the first rule of business.

Flaunt it, and
you're practically
asking to get caught.

Secondly, your assumption
about the shortest of the gang

Being the leader is
pure speculation.

And based on a
misconception at that.

The so called Napoleon complex
to which you are alluding

Is based on a cartoon from
the early 19th century.

The notion that all
dictators or gang leaders,

If you prefer, are short,
is nothing more than

Biting satire mistakenly
attributed as fact.

The whole theory was refuted

In Nature Magazine
a few years ago.

You might have missed it,

Seeing as it wasn't in
the Daily Telegraph.

(Major burns grunts)

I don't doubt that
the boy in the middle

Was probably the shortest,

But let's just chalk it up

To a bit of healthy
inbreeding shall we?

[Major Burns] And
what about their escape?

[Jack] Well what of it?

You saw them, they ran away.

There's nothing more to it.

No, no!

They went the least obvious way!

They must've been
going towards home!

Towards Camden!

It was the only sensible
move on their part!

They were robbing a man
on the Camden towpath.

It's hardly akin to
stealing the Mona Lisa.

Let's face it, you were no
more the master detective

Than anyone else would've
been in your shoes.

[Major Burns] Well, I
think we're just going

To have to agree to disagree.

Well, the pleasure
is all mine.

[Frank] You see?

What's wrong with you tonight?

I could ask you
the same thing.

What's wrong with me?

A headache, after
only one glass of wine?

What?

[Jack] Frank, you're
spoiling the mood.

What else have you got old chap?

Just one little detail.

Inspector Marcus
followed my advice,

And sure enough, they
found the culprits

Attempting to buy booze,
less than half a mile away.

They confessed, on the spot.

Not that I don't appreciate
your attempts to outsmart me.

Keep up the good work!

One day, you might
actually get away with it.

[Frank] One glass.

[Vera] What?

You know what.

Frank.

[Jack] Frank, would you
mind giving me a hand?

Sure.

What are you doing?

Something's not
right, she's irritable.

What do you expect?

You're irritating.

Jack, are you sure it
was Vera you saw earlier?

Well, I don't want
to cause a fuss.

Jack, just answer me.

Yes, I'm quite sure.

Quite?

I'm sure enough.

And this man, how
were they behaving?

What do you mean?

Did it look like
they were friends or?

He was certainly with her.

Yes, but.

Did you see anything that looked

Like they were up to something?

There was perhaps a,
something in their eyes.

Do you want to know the truth?

Well, of course.

Then you need
to find evidence.

What?

Evidence.

Something you can
use against her.

I can't believe we're
having this conversation.

Frank, you need
to keep it together.

Listen to me, are you going
to let her mess you around?

No.

Do you want your manhood back?

She's taken my manhood?

She took it the moment
she started this affair!

Listen to me, can you do it?

I think so.

Can you do it!?

Yes.

Okay, call Stacey.

What?

Call Stacey.

Find out if they
met for lunch today.

Now?!

When do you want to do it?!

I don't know.

Frank, you need
to act quickly.

Before Vera can plant
a story with her.

Yes, but...

But what?!

Well I don't have
her phone number.

You don't have her number?

No.

Simple.

What?

You need to get her phone.

I need to get her phone?

Stop repeating me Frank.

Get Vera's phone
and call Stacey.

Okay.

Good boy.

But it's in her bag,
how am I gonna get it?

It's easy, I'll distract her.

How?

Trust me.

Here, take these out there.

But what about the Major?

You'll think of something.

Hi Marcus, it's me again.

Just calling to see
where you are and...

Whiskey, we're out,

So if you can pick some
up that would be great.

I realize it's not the
most polite way to ask,

Also you might get
here at any minute.

So if it's any trouble,
please don't bother,

Just if you get
the chance, thanks.

Where's the Major?

Bathroom.

Vera, I've got something
you might like to see.

Really?

It's in the bedroom.

Would you like to
come and have a look?

[Jack] You look so
beautiful tonight.

[Vera] You certainly
have a gift for timing.

To hell with Frank.

He's starting to come
to a way of thinking.

What the hell is wrong
with him tonight?

I know about as
much as I care.

Neither of which is very much.

Do you think he knows?

Of course not, he's an idiot.

He wouldn't know we were at
it if he sat here watching us.

You're right.

I know.

Oh, by the way, I found this.

Oh great, you could've
told me this earlier.

I didn't get a chance to.

How am I going to
explain that now?

You won't need to.

Do you have the other one?

Yes.

Put them on.

I've just told
him I lost it Jack.

He's too wrapped up
in himself to notice.

What are you trying to pull?

Nothing, I'm just
trying to show you

How pathetic your husband is.

I don't need you to do that.

Why do I listen to you?

I want you so much right now.

I know you don't think much
of the Major's deductions,

But I'm pretty sure he'd
figure that one out.

But, maybe later.

Let's see where
the night takes us.

Yes, let's.

[Major Burns] So, are you
dealing with this yourself?

I imagine you could
save on the commission

If you're really crafty.

For the last time I'm not...

Frank.

Did you get it?

Yes.

Good.

No it isn't.

The Major caught me.

What did you tell him?

I just told him I wanted

To show you pictures
of the new flat.

Very clever.

Wait, you're moving?

Yes, like I've told
you a dozen times.

I don't remember, when?

A dozen times.

Oh.

And it's not clever.

Look, he knows I've
got the phone now.

What if he says something?

You'd better be quick.

Give me the phone.

Why?

Do want proof to confront her?

Yes.

Then give me the damn phone!

Wait, shouldn't
I be doing this?

Yes you should.

But we both know you won't.

Jack...

I'm just trying to save you
the whole moralizing escapade.

Getting on with it
before you get caught.

Wait, before I get caught?

Wait, we're in this together.

Like hell we are.

It's ringing.

(Phone ringing)

What do I say
when she answers?

The earring, ask
her if she's found it.

Jesus Frank, do I
have to spell it out?

Vera says they met for lunch.

The same lunch where
she lost the earring.

Right, so we're looking
for an earring now?

No.

Well what?

We're trying to find
proof that Vera lied to you.

What if she says "Yes,
I met Vera for lunch",

"She had a little
bit too much to drink"

"And went home with a headache."

She won't.

[Stacey] Vera, hi.

Hi, no Stacey it's me, Frank.

[Stacey] Frank?

How are you?

I'm good thanks.

[Stacey] Is everything okay?

Yes, yes, I'm
just calling to see

If you'd found Vera's earring.

[Stacey] Her earring?

Yes, Vera asked me to phone
you to see if you'd found it.

[Stacey] Really,
I'm not sure why.

Well she said that she
lost it at lunch today.

You know when she was with you.

[Stacey] What do you mean?

Look, Vera met you for
lunch today didn't she?

[Stacey] Frank, I haven't
seen Vera for months.

And she had a little bit
too much to drink didn't she?

[Stacey] Frank.

And then she lost the earring,

And then she went home

Instead of coming back to
the office, didn't she?

[Stacey] Frank.

Didn't she?!

[Stacey] Frank!

What?!

[Stacey] I've no idea
what you're talking about.

Frank.

Is Vera there?

I'm so sorry.

As loveable as he might be,

There's only so
much conversation

I can take about mortgages.

What's wrong?

What are you doing
with my phone?

Frank was just showing
me photos of the new place.

You know I don't like you
playing with that Frank.

You'll only break it.

It looks lovely.

What?

The flat.

Yes, yes it does.

Jack, do have anymore
ice, we're all out?

Of course.

I'll take these through.

Why don't you two
have a little chat?

Frank darling, what's wrong?

Nothing.

Frank.

[Frank] Don't call me that.

[Vera] Frank!

I said don't call me that!

But Frank, that's your name.

[Frank] It is, but with a
little less condescendence.

What?

A little less of
the implication that
I'm an idiot please!

What, I didn't say that!

But you meant it.

What is wrong with you?

You tell me.

Excuse me.

I can't believe you'd
do this to me Vera.

I know what you've been doing!

Know what?

You used me.

What on earth are
you talking about?

I know you're
having an affair.

What?

Don't deny it.

What did Jack tell you?

You think I need Jack to
tell me what's going on?

I've got eyes of my own,
stop playing me for a fool!

Frank, whatever it is
you think is going on is...

Where were you this afternoon?

[Vera] I told you, I
went to lunch with Stacey.

No you didn't.

I did.

No you didn't.

Why don't you believe me?

Because I called her!

What?

That's right, your foolish
husband checked up on you.

But you don't...

Is that why you stole my phone?

Stacey hadn't seen you.

She had no idea what
I was talking about!

Frank, let me explain.

Explain what?

That your husband's a fool?

Frank, I've been arranging
a surprise for you.

(Frank laughs)

This is certainly a surprise.

I have!

Liar.

For your birthday.

Liar.

Frank please,
just listen to me.

You, betrayed me.

I betrayed you?

Yes.

You steal my phone.

You check up on me behind my
back and you feel betrayed?

[Frank] I'm just...

Domestic bliss aye?

They'll get over it.

I suppose it's not the best time

To mention we're out of Cherry.

Oh.

Afraid we might have to
call in the squadron Major.

Sounds like it's getting
a bit nasty in there.

(Major laughs)

It might not be so easy.

Suicide missions tend
to be a tough sell.

What on earth do you think
is going on in there?

I don't know, but I
imagine it's not foreplay.

Oh don't be so tawdry Jack.

Is it a disagreement or a fight?

Hard to say.

[Vera] Oh for
god's sake Frank!

I think it's a proper fight.

(Glass breaking)

Sounds about right.

(Major and jack laugh)

I say Jackie boy, you've
certainly hit the bulls eye.

What's happened?!

I'm afraid I couldn't
possibly say uncle.

Oh come on, I don't know Vera,

But I've know
Frank all his life.

This is not like him.

This isn't one of your
murder mysteries uncle.

I'm not gonna rat
out my best friend.

Oh yes you are!

I'm afraid you're
wrong this time uncle.

I'm never wrong.

You're dying to tell me.

Okay then old man, here it is.

Frank is suspicious.

He believes Vera
is cheating on him.

Oh, nonsense!

You think so?

A girl like that
wouldn't even think of it.

What makes you say that?

Well I can tell by the way

She looks at him
that she loves him.

It's a thing you pick up
on when you get to my age.

Really?

Yes.

He has done extraordinarily
well for himself.

Far better than I
would've imagined.

Let's hope he doesn't blow it.

Be that as it may, Frank
has evidence to the contrary.

Such as?

Vera supposedly met someone
for lunch today, a friend.

Frank has found
out she was lying.

Really?

Yes.

And where did he
acquire this information?

Simple, he asked her.

The friend?

Oh, well this really does
throw a spanner in the works.

Hardly surprising though.

Why do you say that?

You said it yourself.

A beautiful girl like her
with a boring man like him.

It's a wonder it
didn't happen sooner.

Well yes, I do see your point.

I tell you what,
this is starting

To sound like the beginning
of a murder mystery.

Uncle Jamie.

Well no look, I know
that we're talking

About Frank and his wife,
but when you think about it...

Uncle.

It's like an episode
of Midsomer Murders.

Oh where you can
deduce the killer

In the first five minutes?

Well it's obvious isn't it?

(Glass breaking)

Do you think that
we should intervene

Before the opening
titles kick in?

I think we should let the
children wear themselves out.

Speaking of whom.

I'm not doing this anymore.

[Frank] No, no,
no, I'm the one

Who's not doing this anymore.

Are you going to
argue about who's

Going to storm out
of here as well?

It's Jack's apartment!

I've had enough!

I'm out of here.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

[Frank] You always have to
have the last word don't you?!

I'm not listening to you.

[Frank] We are not finished!

Yes we are!

Cherry?

Vera.

Did you tell him?

Tell him what?

Did you tell him about us?

No, and I'd appreciate if
you kept your voice down.

I have a reputation to protect.

He knows.

How would he know?

I don't know, you tell me?

He was strange in there Jack.

I've never seen him
behave like that before.

He's just nervous
about the business.

He's not nervous
about the business.

He wasn't himself in there.

Come back inside,
it's cold out here.

Like hell I'm
going back in there.

Vera?

Jack I can't do this anymore.

He must know about us somehow.

He doesn't know, he
just thinks he knows.

Well then he knows!

Well it depends on
your point of view.

Jack this isn't the
time for pedantry.

My psychotic husband
thinks I'm cheating on him.

And worst of all he's right.

This will all blow
over, I promise you.

No it won't.

Yes it will.

Frank just needs a
little persuasion.

Let me fix this.

Jack.

Let me fix it.

I promise you it
will be all right.

How?

Trust me.

Be the strong one.

Come back inside.

Steady ole boy,

You'll find that will have
a bit of a kick in it.

Marriages aren't easy you know?

Tell me about it.

Sometimes you have to
overlook a few things,

For both your sakes.

What do you mean?

You have to have a bit of a
selective memory to be happy.

To keep the wife happy.

I can't believe that she...

Then don't.

Now you love her don't you?

Hmm?

Then you don't
need to believe it.

Sometimes it's better to
be happy than to be right.

Which are you?

Well I I happen to
think that I'm both.

But that's just me.

The choice is yours.

Chin up, I'm sure
that Jack would've

Convinced her to
com back by now.

He wouldn't let
anything ruin his plans.

I think the two of you
should kiss and shake hands.

You know, I don't want to put
a damper on the mood but...

Frank I...

How about a game?

[Jack] Four.

Frank?

One.

Your piece seems to be on
the other side of the board.

Would you like me
to move it for you?

Does this direction suit?

Your turn Major.

Six!

I would like to
summon Ms. Scarlett

To the library with the gun!

(Laughs)

Vera?

Just as I thought!

Your turn again Jack.

Four.

I call the Reverend Green

To the dining room
with the candlestick.

Frank?

What?

[Jack] Do you
have any of those?

Now Frank, how are we
going to finish the game

If you won't play along?

You know, there's
always been something

That never quite sat right
with me about this game.

The encouragement to commit
murder in the family home?

(Major laughs)

No that's a traditional
family past time.

No, no, no.

It's just always seemed
a bit daft to me,

That given the number
of options that one has,

The rope, the lead
piping, the gun.

Who on earth would choose

To murder someone
with a candlestick?

The Reverend Green I'm hoping.

[Major Burns]
Well, perhaps yes.

But there's no real world
application for it is there?

I mean, if you want a man
dead quickly, use a gun.

If you want him to know that
he's done for you strangle him.

And if you think he's
really deserved it,

Well then you use the dagger
and you let him bleed to death!

Are you speaking from
personal experience there Major?

[Major Burns] Well,
to some degree yes, yes.

You wouldn't believe
some of the things

That I saw in the Army.

I mean kids today,

They think it's very fancy
to carry around a knife.

Well it isn't!

I was in Port Stanley when
an Argi tried to knife me!

What happened?

- I just twisted his arm
- [Jack] twisted his arm

- [Major] and stabbed him
- [Jack] and stabbed him

- [Major] in the thigh!
- [Jack] in the thigh!

[Major Burns] That
is as it may well be,

But the fact remains
that a candlestick

Is still the most
unsuitable object

With which to commit a murder.

Why?

[Major Burns] Well just look
at the weight of the thing?!

I mean that alone
makes it impractical!

Nonsense!

A bit of blunt force trauma
would do the trick nicely.

[Major Burns] Yeah, but
it would take a tremendous

Amount of strength to
wield the blasted thing.

Or a moment of rage.

What do you mean?

I'll grant you uncle Jamie,

It is a poor calculated
murder weapon.

You wouldn't stand
on a street corner

Waiting for your victim to
pass wielding a candlestick.

[Major Burns] Certainly not!

[Jack] No, but it
might find application

In the heat of the moment.

Say for example, with
a crime of passion.

Jack.

It need only be
present at the scene.

And all you would need
is that moment of rage

To summon the strength,
raise it up and...

Jack!

Bang, one blow to
the back of the head

And it is done.

Ugh Jack, stop it.

Vera, we're merely
making conversation.

[Frank] Don't talk Vera.

[Vera] Frank?

[Major Burns] No, no, no,
no, no more arguing you two.

We've had quite enough
of that already.

All I'm saying is,

You shouldn't dismiss
it as a possibility.

Right Frank?

(Long suspenseful music)

Right.

I'm just going to
go and get something.

Back in a second.

Pay no attention to him.

Tact was never his forte.

(Heavy suspenseful music)

[Jack] I thought
this might make

A fitting addition
to our evening.

Now there's something I
haven't seen in a while.

I never thought
you had kept that.

[Jack] Why not, it's
a family heirloom.

You see Vera, I
can do sentiment.

Well, are you gonna light it

Or are we just gonna sit here

Admiring the fine craftsmanship?

There we are.

Very nice.

What the hell Vera?!

Excuse me?

[Frank] You were
lying about that too?

Your earring!

Oh, that, I found it.

I don't believe you!

Frank it was in
my bag all along.

Right!

We're gonna sort this
out once and for all!

I think we ought to a...

Good idea.

[Frank] How could
you do it Vera?!

I told you Frank, I
haven't done anything!

How could you do this to me?!

You're making a mistake!

What, like I made
when I married you?!

Frank.

Because believe me, that's
what I'll be learning from.

Why won't you believe me?

Because I'm not a fool!

Who is he?

No one.

Like I'm telling you for
the hundredth time, no one!

Jack wouldn't lie!

[Vera] Jack?

Jack told you this?

He told me nothing I
couldn't figure out for myself.

[Vera] What did he say?

It doesn't matter
what he said!

What matters is that it's true.

[Vera] No it isn't!

You'd take his word over mine?

I'm sorry, you're right,

I'm being unreasonable.

Well it's obviously my fault.

Are you trying to apologize?

That's what you want isn't it?

For me to make a fool of
myself like I always do!

We fight and in the
end I apologize.

You know what your
problem is Frank?

What?

You're boring!

Excuse me?

[Vera] There's
nothing wrong with that.

Lord knows it's half the
reason I married you!

You certainly know
how to flatter me.

[Vera] If you think for
a moment that I married you

With some romantic
notion of love,

I'm afraid you're
very much mistaken!

You're the perfect
husband Frank.

As perfect as they come.

You're polite, charming,
and you can offer security.

But security is boring.

Artists make fine lovers
but they're lousy husbands.

You might be dull,

But I can live with that.

No drama, no conflicts,

The perfect foundations for
an everlasting marriage.

But I...

I love you.

Love is overrated.

Are you having an affair?

Yes.

(Slow sharp violin)

Say that again.

What?

I want proof for
the divorce hearing.

Say it again.

No Frank, I won't.

Say it again!

Who is he?!

Get off me!

Frank!

Who is he?!

[Vera] Do you
really want to know?!

Tell me!

He satisfies me.

(Vera screams)

Vera?

Vera!

Oh god!

What have I done?!

Jesus Frank what happened?

Major, I think you better
go and call the police.

There's a payphone on
the corner of the street.

I think it's best if
you call from there.

Yes, I think you're right!

(Slow heavy music)

Frank.

Frank.

Look at me Frank.

You need to get up.

You can...

Frank, get up.

What am I going to do?

What am I going to...

We can sort this Frank.

You need to listen to me.

I didn't mean to...

I know you didn't.

It was just...

I know, try not
to speak, okay?

What should we do?

What happened?

She's...

She was.

Jesus Frank, of all the
things you could've done!

Jack!

[Jack] This is the worst!

You've gotta help me Jack!

[Jack] There's no way
you can explain this!

Jack!

You've got to fix this Frank.

What?

There are gonna
be consequences.

Things can't just be undone.

You know what you've got to do.

Well I, I couldn't...

Frank, listen to me.

There's only one way out.

Well I could...

[Jack] No you can't!

The facts, the
facts are obvious.

But you're not going to prison.

You hear me?!

You are not going to prison.

I'm not going to prison.

That's right.

I'm not going to prison.

You're going to
do the right thing.

Yes.

Now go.

Where?

[Jack] You can't be here.

[Frank] Why not?

You know why?!

Where can I go?

There's a railway
bridge up on the hill.

Up on the hill.

[Jack] It's perfect, quiet,
there'll be no one around.

Quiet.

Yes.

Go.

Now.

Jack, will you?

No, of course I won't Frank.

You're my friend.

Thank you.

(Door closes)

(Jack laughs)

It worked!

It actually worked!

The perfect murder.

And I did it!

I'm sorry Vera, I'm truly sorry.

If there was any other way,

I would've done it
to someone else.

But it's your own fault.

You were just too damn perfect.

It was hard for me.

Given the family implications.

Frank is...

Was practically my brother.

And you were his wife.

But I had no choice.

Attempted robbery,

That wasn't impressive
detective work Major.

I was always better
than him and he knew it!

Not that he will ever
acknowledge it of course.

But this was the big one.

The grand finale, so to speak.

With the perfect players.

A little exercise
with some live rounds.

Poor Frank.

He was always the weakest link.

Though I don't think
there's a single soul

Who wouldn't go that far

If they were persuaded enough.

Almost everything went
according to plan.

A quite brilliant plan.

I couldn't have dreamed how
cooperative Frank would be.

Part of me assumed
he would just run.

He still can, but he won't.

A manhunt.

(Jack laughs)

Now that would've been fun.

You might think
it a petty reason

For such an elaborate plot,

But you'd be wrong.

This wasn't about
impressing uncle Jamie.

No, this was an experiment.

A chance to explore all
the subjects reactions

To certain information.

And if I happen to beat
the Major in the process,

Then no harm done.

Again, I'm sorry it didn't
work out for you Vera.

I imagine I still have
a few moments to myself.

Marcus will be upset he
wasn't here for this.

He would've made an
excellent expert witness.

Never mind, I'm sure uncle Jamie

Will play both roles admirably.

Adopt, adapt, and improvise aye?

The casting was
important though,

And he was just perfect.

A social pain, but
still respectable.

No one will question his word.

Still a civilian though.

Marcus, a real police detective.

Now that would've
been something!

I only wish he could've
been here for this.

Still, you can't
always get what you...

(Coughing)

I'm afraid Vera, I can't
let you alter the story.

(Fast violin playing)

(Deep brooding music)

Clever boy.

(Jack laughs)

(Knock on door)

Just a second!

Officers, you better come in.

Something terrible has happened.

(Clock ticking)

[Major Burns] I've
only just met her.

I've known Frank
his entire life.

I just can't believe he'd
do something like this.

[Jack] So, after the Major
went to call the police,

Frank told me he couldn't
live with himself

After what he'd done.

I tried to restrain him,
but he was so forceful.

I considered holding
him back but,

Given what he'd just done.

I mean, I hardly
was thinking about

What a man can do when
he becomes so unhinged.

I mean can you imagine?

Finding out that your
wife is cheating on you

All because she
lost her earring.

Poor chap.

[Policeman] Do you have any
idea where he might have gone?

Hmm?

[Policeman] Frank, do you
have any idea where he might be?

Uh, well, I know he
used to like walking

By the railway bridge.

[Policeman] On the hill?

Yes, that's the one.

He said he used to
find it peaceful.

You don't think he would've...

[Policeman] I
better call it in.

[Marcus] No need constable,
they've already found him.

Marcus.

Jack.

So glad you finally made it.

You can go.

Is he all right?

I'm sorry, he threw himself
off the railway bridge.

Jesus.

[Major Burns] Marcus.

[Marcus] Major,
good to see you.

[Major Burns] You too.

Present circumstances accepted.

My it's been a while.

Yes, I never got to
thank you personally

For your help that time.

I would've never caught
them without you.

Wouldn't you?

[Major Burns]
Honestly it was nothing.

I just wish that tonight wasn't
under similar circumstances.

So, what on earth
happened here tonight?

[Major Burns] It was all
quite a pleasant evening,

Until Frank started
to act strangely.

Yes, so you kept saying.

Jack.

[Jack] Well if you though
he was acting strangely,

Then why didn't you
do anything about it?!

[Major Burns] And what do
you suggest I should've done?

[Jack] You were
the one saying this

Was beginning to sound
like a murder story.

[Major Burns] Jack, I
never saw this coming!

You never saw it coming?!

Jack this isn't the time!

You never saw this coming?!

You, the great
Master Detective!?

The man who can deduce
the murder in an instant!?

Look Jack, you're
obviously upset, but please...

Yes of course I'm upset.

My best friend just killed
his wife and then himself!

And uncle Jamie, I'm sorry,

The amazing Major Burns,
did nothing to prevent it!

Nobody could've done anything.

[Jack] Face it Major!

You lost!

And you're gonna
have to live with it!

[Marcus] I'm afraid
he's in a bit of shock.

I think it's best
for him if you leave.

[Major Burns] I...

[Marcus] For now.

[Major Burns] I agree.

To hell with you Major Burns!

Jack, listen to me.

You don't need to
think like that.

If it hadn't happened here,

It would've happened
somewhere else.

Look, you've had
a hell of a shock.

You need to get some rest.

Is there anywhere
you can stay tonight?

I really don't know.

Well you can crash
at ours if you'd like?

You sure?

I don't want to be any trouble.

[Marcus] No nonsense,
we got a spare room.

It's the least we can do.

Well, thank you.

Yes, yes that would be lovely.

Good, I'll call
Alice, let her know.

[Constable] Inspector?

Yes Constable?

The Major gave
us what we need.

I'll get right on it.

[Marcus] Good work.

What was that about?

Oh, just a formaility.

When we found Frank he didn't
have his mobile phone on him.

You don't know where
he left it do you?

No, no.

[Marcus] Hmm, probably
dropped it somewhere

On the way to the bridge.

Well we need to find it,

In case he made any
calls on the way.

Just to get the full story.

Of course.

[Marcus] Major Burns
has been very helpful,

He's provided us with
Frank's mobile number.

I see.

What?!

Oh and Constable Peck
is just calling it now.

See if anyone's picked it up.

It's ringing.

Fingers crossed.

(Mobile phone ringing)

(Suspenseful music)

Jack?

(Fast paced violin)

(Panicky fast paced violin)

(Slow brooding music)

(Fast panicky music)

(Slow unhappy music)