Original subtitles

(Slow violin playing)

(Fast paced violin)

(Slow violin playing)

(Fast paced violin)

(Slow suspenseful violin)

(Fast paced violin)

(Slow melancholy music)

Would you like one?

You know that I don't.

Yes, but it's always polite to ask.

[Female] I don't know how you can smoke those things.

I like them.

[Female] You might, but for everyone around you

It's absolute torture.

It's like making love to an ashtray.

I've been called worse.

You've had more demanding women.

No one is more demanding than you my dear.

I'm frightened to think that might be a compliment.

I like to think my mere presence is complimentary enough.

(Female laughs)

Wow, that ego!

One day you might want to stop it from doing the driving.

I'm serious!

I know.

[Male] I let you come around here don't I?

Offer you a little distraction when you're bored.

[Female] Distraction?

Is that what they're calling it these days?

Well, it's more flattering than billing you

And calling it a service.

You're right, you're so selfless.

[Male] Just nice to know I'm appreciated, that's all.

Oh rats.

What's the matter?

I can't find one of my earrings.

Oh, what does it look like?

Did you see where I put it?

You'll have to forgive me.

I think my eyes were rather distracted

While you were getting undressed.

Don't worry, it'll turn up.

It had better, it was an engagement present.

Humph, better if it didn't then.

I wouldn't expect you to understand

The concept of sentimental value.

I can do sentiment.

Please don't go back to work.

(Female laughing)

Very convincing.

What can I say, it's a gift.

I'm sorry, I have to.

Can't you call in sick?

What, go to lunch perfectly healthy

And come back with a cold?

What would my boss think?

To hell with your boss.

Mmm, that's harder to say when you're married to him.

I would've thought that would make it easier.

I am very happily married, thank you very much.

Clearly.

I still don't know why you married him.

He's nice.

Is that a good enough qualification?

It's something you might like trying.

I'll stick with being exciting

If it's all the same to you.

What, by going after other men's wives?

You know me, I like a challenge.

Ugh, one day somebody is going to punch you.

And it might not be the husband.

Stay with me.

I can't.

Keep an eye out for my earring will you?

I'll see you tonight.

A quarter past eight, right?

Frank, it's Jack.

Very well thank you, yourself?

Listen, I'm having a little get together

At my place this evening.

Just a few interesting minds for drinks and a game or two.

I was wondering if you'd like to come.

Great!

How about 7:30?

Perfect.

Oh, and I've taken the liberty of inviting Vera.

It's always a delight to see her.

(Slow melancholy instrumental)

(Door buzzes)

Detective Inspector, what a pleasant surprise!

Oh just Marcus today Jack.

I'm off duty.

Do come in.

Thanks.

How are you?

Oh, not to bad, not to bad.

Yourself?

Oh fine, fine.

Splendid splendid.

Can I offer you some tea?

No thanks, just a fly invisit today.

Oh, and to what do I owe the honor?

Well I would've just sent you a text

But seeing as you don't own a mobile phone.

Ghastly things, they've ruined everything.

And I thought you might appreciate the personal touch.

(Beeping)

Although I must admit that mobile phones

Are a godsend in my line of work.

That may be, but you'll never catch me with one.

Well, maybe one day.

Anyway, Alice and I are planning a charity event

Next Saturday with a few friends.

A sort of murder mystery type thing.

Oh really?!

Yes, a bit of good ole fashion fun.

Thought it might be right up your street.

Yes it would be, though I'm not sure my wits

Would come close to matching those

Of the great Inspector Evans.

No need to worry about that.

Alice has banned me from playing along.

She's worried I might start collecting DNA samples.

Something about an unfair advantage.

(Laughs)

No, in this case, I should be playing

The helpless victim for a change.

Which should narrow down your suspects to about

Half the population of Pentonville.

Well I'd love to come,

Though I can't promise I won't try to avenge you.

I'd rather you didn't.

I'm up to my neck in paperwork as it is.

(Jack laughs)

So the evening should begin at seven,

With dinner and then a body at eight.

Bring a bottle.

Will do.

Before you go.

Yes?

I'm having a little gathering here myself this evening.

Just a few close friends for drinks and a game or two.

I was wondering whether you'd might like to join us?

Tonight?

Yes, I appreciate it's short notice.

What time?

Say eight-ish?

That may be a bit tricky.

Well, it would mean a lot if you could make it.

Plus, Major Burns will be making an appearance

And he's always a hoot.

Well, hmm, okay, I'll see what I can do.

Wonderful.

Thank you.

Hey, not at all.

I'll see myself out.

I'll see you tonight.

Hope so.

(Clock ticking)

(Door buzzes)

Come in.

(Door buzzes)

Come in.

(Knock on door)

It's open Frank.

Sorry.

As usual.

Jack, good to see you!

Help yourself to a drink.

There's ice in the kitchen.

So, how are things?

Fine.

[Jack] Aren't you going to offer me one?

Of course.

Cheers.

Frank, good to see you.

You too!

How are things?

Good thanks, and...

And the business?

Keeping me busy.

Glad to hear that.

I was gonna say you were looking a little tired.

Well, I suppose I am today.

Vera went home early complaining of a headache.

Really?

I do hope she's all right.

Oh you know Vera, she'll be fine.

Still coming tonight I take it?

Oh, absolutely.

Don't you worry about that.

Splendid!

No, anyway, things been a bit hectic this afternoon,

But we're managing.

Yes, yes, I'm sure you are.

So, who else is coming?

Do you know Marcus?

You're policeman friend?

That's the one.

He may drop by.

How exciting, a chance to beat the man at his own trade.

Or lose embarrassingly.

Hmm, oh we mustn't rule out that possibility.

What about the Major, is he still coming?

Yes, he should be here any minute.

Well I'll be.

I haven't seen the Major in years.

So much that you'd had a lucky escape.

No Jack, he is family after all.

(Jack laughs)

A fact that remains, no matter how hard

I try to disprove it.

(Frank laughs)

Do you remember the time we locked him in the cellar?

When he was getting his afternoon bottle!

Yes!

(Frank and jack laughing)

Oh, what were we then, nine?

About that.

You know, to this day,

He still thinks that latch jammed behind him.

(Frank laughing) He never caught on it was us.

Us, I had nothing to do with it!

Well you hardly went to great lengths to let him out.

You wouldn't have let me.

Well it was his own fault.

If he hadn't insisted on calling me Jackie,

We could've had a nice civilized afternoon.

Mind you, I wouldn't trade listening

To him call for help for anything.

You better not mention that story to Vera,

I doubt she'd approve.

Yes.

Frank...

Is everything okay between you and Vera?

Yes, but of course, why?

It's just, well,

It's probably nothing.

What's probably nothing?

Well, I went out for lunch today in Bayswater,

Not far from your office.

While I was out, I happened to see Vera,

With someone.

Oh, that would be Stacey.

Stacey?

Vera's old school friend.

They often meet up over lunch.

Really?

Funny that, he didn't look much like a Stacey.

What do you mean he?

You're right, as I said, it's probably nothing.

Jack...

Are you seriously suggesting what I think you're suggesting?

That your wife is having an affair?

Yes.

With who?

Whom?

What?

With whom.

Jack is this your idea of a joke?

No.

All right fine, with whom?

I have no idea.

I just happen to see her with some handsome fellow.

What did he look like?

Handsome, tall dark, you know, the usual.

(Frank laughs)

No Jack...

(Frank laughs)

Now that's absurd.

Is it?

Of course!

Vera and I are very happy together.

Everything's perfect in fact.

If you say so.

No, you must've been mistaken.

Yes, perhaps you're right.

No, no, Vera may have some secrets from me,

But she would never cheat on me.

That I can assure you.

I must say though, you did give me quite a fright.

(Jack laughs)

I should never have mentioned it.

Top up?

Don't mind if I do.

(Door buzzes)

Would you mind?

Certainly.

Jack my boy!

Uncle Jamie, do come in.

Nasty weather out there.

Hardly uncommon for April.

Good for the flowers they say!

Frank!

[Frank] Major, good to see you.

Good grief it's been a long time.

How's my favorite estate agent?

Oh, I'm in insurance now.

Really, same thing.

Look at the two of you, all grown up.

I remember the day I went off to Kuwait,

You were just this tall.

We weren't there.

Jack.

Of course you were there.

I mean I might be getting a bit agey,

But the one thing that never lets me down is my memory.

We were at school.

Jack.

Nonsense, I remember it like it was yesterday.

In fact, come to think of it, it probably was.

(Major burns laughs)

Can I get you a drink Major?

That is very kind of you Frank.

But unfortunately I have been advised not to.

Doctors orders.

Oh.

Are you sure?

I do have your favorite Cherry.

Oh, what do doctors know anyhow?

(Major burns laughs)

So, where's this Detective friend?

[Jack] He'll be here soon I'm sure.

[Major Burns] Excellent, does he know the rules?

[Jack] He solved murders for a living,

I think he knows how to play a board game.

[Major Burns] That may well be,

Certainly doesn't know how to relax of an evening.

Who does?

Well, Jackie boy,

Do you think you might finally get to beat me?

I sense some of your misplaced confidence there Major.

You know, I've always admired you sense of optimism.

It's a fine quality in a man,

But never underestimate the value of experience.

I can't, you won't let me.

[Major Burns] And don't make it too easy for me this time.

That's why I stopped watching Midsomer Murders.

The last series was absolutely disgraceful.

[Jack] Wasn't it something to do

With the excessive sexual content?

(Major burns laughs)

On the contrary, that would've perked it up a bit, no!

I gave up on it when I realized that I could deduce

Who the killer was within the first five minutes.

Five minutes!

I mean in the old days even a average episode

Would take me at least 20,

30 if it was particularly difficult.

I'm sure.

They won't get far at this rate.

They're not far off being down to a single viewer.

I'll bet it.

(Major burns laughs)

Nothing would get her off that blasted thing.

I mean not even when they replaced that nice...

What's his name?

Uh John Nettles.

Even that didn't do any good.

[Jack] Well, old habits die hard.

[Major Burns] Not as hard as those country folk.

I'm surprised there's anybody left to murder in Midsomer!

They're murder rate is so far above the national average.

Perfect timing!

Cheers!

Mmm, so, shall we get the ball out?

We can't do that yet.

[Major Burns] Oh, we're waiting on your detective friend.

And Vera.

Who the wretched hell is Vera?!

Vera is my wife.

Oh, it's a lovely name.

Yes.

I keep forgetting you've yet to meet her Major.

You were certainly missed at our wedding.

I am so sorry about that old chap but...

But I can't be blamed if your raging over the same weekend

As the annual crime flicks and festival.

On the contrary, I could hardly hope to compete

Against such a valiant cause.

Alas, she might not be at her finest this evening.

Hmm?

Vera, something about a headache?

[Major Burns] I must say they are running a bit behind.

[Jake] Perhaps it's the traffic.

You know London on a rainy day.

When the bombs were falling everybody carried on.

These days, you show this city a little weak rain,

Everybody just runs for their lives.

Uncle Jamie...

Jack please.

[Jack] He wasn't even born!

I know!

[Major Burns] So Frank,

How are things in the property business?

I work in insurance.

The same thing.

It really isn't.

[Major Burns] Honestly Frank,

I express an interest in your business,

You've become a pedant about the detail.

How's it going, whatever it is that you do?

It's going well, thank you.

Even in the current climate?

Well, things are tough for all of us,

But we're getting through it.

Well done, that's my boy.

I always admired your entrepreneurial spirit.

You must find it very rewarding.

[Frank] Oh it is.

Both rewarding and a burden.

Like women.

Like women.

(Major burns laughs)

Cheers!

Cheers.

(Door buzzes)

Ah.

The inspector, about time!

Your impatience will be the downfall of you uncle.

Well I just can't wait to find out if he's right.

Gentlemen, may I present, Scotland Yard's finest.

Well I wouldn't go that far.

Hello Jack.

Vera, what are you doing here?

My what a charming way to greet a guest.

One that you've invited no less.

Yes, but, I'm sorry,

I just wasn't expecting you to be early.

Neither was I.

You told me to arrive a quarter past eight.

I must've been mistaken.

I meant at a quarter to.

[Vera] It was only when I called Frank this afternoon

That I realized you'd staggered our arrivals.

I hope you weren't planning on starting

The party without me?

Why of course not, you are the party.

Hello darling!

I don't suppose you'd like to come let your wife in?

It's Jack's apartment.

[Vera] Excellent deduction my love.

Jack?

[Major Burns] Let her in Jack!

Yes, yes of course.

I don't believe we've met.

Major this is my wife Vera.

James Burns, Jack's uncle.

We used to spend our summers with him in Norfolk.

Norfolk?

No wonder you turned out so socially awkward.

(Major burns laughing)

It's a pleasure my dear.

How do you do?

Now ole Frank was telling me that he had a beautiful wife.

I assumed that he was applying that exaggeration

That estate agents are prone to.

Look I'm not...

But for once it seems he has undersold you!

Why thank you.

Hear that Frank, I think you've got competition.

[Major Burns] How long have you been married now you two?

Oh, just shy of two years.

[Major Burns] Excellent, and is married life

Working out for you?

Oh we get by.

We're not totally sick of each other just yet, are we?

You just wait til 20, you'll be at each others throats!

(Everyone laughing)

Vera, drink?

Ah yes, I'll have a...

Gin and tonic?

[Major Burns] Jack, have you anymore of that Cherry?

Bottle's in the kitchen Major,

You have to come get it yourself.

Excuse me won't you while I venture into no man's land.

How are you feeling?

Oh, much better thank you.

I think I just needed to rest.

Of course.

How was lunch?

Lunch was fine.

Where did you go?

Stacey took me to this place

Just around the corner from the office.

I can't remember the name.

Really?

Very nice though.

Well, that's good.

Oh I did lose my earring.

How on earth did you manage that?

I went to the bathroom, you know,

To splash my face when the headache came on.

I see.

And I took them off, and before you know it,

One of them had vanished.

Huh, that's a shame.

I know, that will teach me to drink at lunch time.

I just wish I hadn't been so careless.

Don't worry, we'll get you another one.

But Frank, they're an engagement gift.

To hell with earrings, it's a sentimental value.

[Major Burns] Vintage 74!

Worth a small fortune in the hands of the right collector.

What a darn sight more on the tip of my palette.

(Major burns laughs)

Marcus, listen, I'm just wondering

When you're getting here.

See the others have arrived

And we're hoping to start the game in the next few minutes.

Can you call me when you get this please?

And there he was, standing in the middle stark naked.

(Everyone laughs)

Not that old story uncle.

Well that old story's got a lot of mileage in it dear boy.

Yes, but it's embarrassing.

It is for you, but you wouldn't believe

The number of Cherry's it's bought me!

Your gin and tonic, with a bitter twist.

I didn't know you wanted to be an actor Jack.

Oh, it was a long time ago.

[Major Burns] A very long time ago.

What were you, nine?

[Jack] Something like that.

[Major Burns] Luckily he grew out of it,

And chose to pursue a more respectable career.

Alas, he still doesn't appear to have found it.

(Major burns and Vera laughing)

Please uncle.

[Major Burns] Oh calm down dear boy and pass the Cherry.

This boy always wanted to be the center of attention.

He still does.

[Major Burns] You know, I remember the day

That we first played chess

And he thought that he'd beaten me.

Oh he was so proud.

And he ran off into the living room to tell his parents.

I almost didn't have the heart to tell them

That we weren't playing drafts.

(Vera laughing)

Yes, almost.

[Major Burns] Well, it wouldn't

Have been fair on you if I hadn't.

He always wanted to beat me at every game that we played.

I thought it was only right

That he should wait until he'd earned it.

Never did happen though Jack, did it?

All in good time Major, all in good time.

You know, I've not played a board game in years.

Tonight might be the night!

I'm bound to be a little bit rusty.

So I'll beat you up.

We shall see.

Spoken like a true narcissist.

When's this policeman friend of yours coming?

I don't know.

He's running late.

Marcus isn't it?

Lovely Chap.

You now him too?

Not socially, no.

But I assisted in one of his investigations a few years ago.

Oh wow, that must've been exciting.

[Major Burns] It was a great honor,

But in truth it's rather more pc plug than Columbo.

There's a lot of waiting around

And it takes weeks for anything to get done.

But it does mean that our streets are safe

From the ongoing threat of insufficient paperwork.

Well what happened?

[Major Burns] Oh I can assure you my dear

It's not a very interesting story.

That may be so but I'm a firm believer

In deciding these things for myself.

Oh, feisty one isn't she?

Well, it was two years ago,

And I was walking around Camden one evening.

[Jack] Not a smart idea at your age.

[Major Burns] I happen to rather like the regions canal.

It's very nice to appreciate nature

In the heart of the city.

[Jack] There are parts where you can

Do that during the daytime.

But there's a reason why they close them at night.

[Major Burns] Nonsense, that's all bureaucracy,

It's perfectly safe.

Yes, as you were saying?

Yes, well.

I heard some shouting coming from

Underneath one of the bridges.

It was very dark so I couldn't see anything.

But I knew immediately that someone was being attacked.

Or, they'd been drinking.

Jack?

[Jack] What?!

It's hardly an area well known for it's late night

Middle class appreciation of greenery.

You're being rude.

[Jack] On the contrary,

I just want to know how he knew somebody was being attacked.

[Major Burns] The sound of a man

Screaming for his life is radically different

From the sound of a man who can't hold his Cherry.

Speaking of which...

I can only apologize for this nephew of yours.

One day he might learn some manners.

(Major burns laughs)

Do continue.

Well I just did what any decent man would do.

You threw them in the canal?

You're not funny.

Yes he is.

Frank be quiet.

You're always on his side.

Whose side are you on?

[Jack] Frank please,

I'm dying to find out how the story ends.

Do go on uncle.

[Major Burns] Well I shouted so that the culprits

Would know that they'd been spotted.

They run off and I phoned the police.

Did you get a good look at them?

I got a better look than the poor chap

That they were attacking.

He was terrified!

Though seemingly unharmed,

He insisted that nothing had been taken.

Well then what happened?

[Major Burns] Well, the police arrived,

They closed off the area,

And I told Inspector Marcus everything that I'd seen.

So essentially you're saying you saved the day,

By making a phone call?

[Major Burns] Well, far be it for me

To blow my own trumpet,

But I did more than that dear boy.

Really?

Yes.

I looked.

First, take the victim.

Alas, I can't remember his name.

Your testimony must've been impeccable.

[Major Burns] I remembered it when it was necessary.

Two years is a long time to hold such details.

[Jack] And yet you can remember everything else perfectly?

Jack.

[Major Burns] The victim,

Was walking along the Regent's Canal towpath after dark.

Most of it, well lit,

But when the towpath approaches Saint Patrick's station

It is crossed by three separate railway bridges.

These bridges border Camden and Islington.

And as a result there's a kind of a turf war

Between the two council's.

There is no lighting beneath them

Because nobody wants to take responsibility.

As a result,

At night they are in total darkness.

The perfect spot for a predator to prey.

Or in our case, to try to rob some poor fellow.

There was no way that the victim could see his attackers,

But the culprits made one mistake.

They encountered me.

[Jack] You didn't put your underpants over your trousers

And pretend to be Superman did you?

[Vera] Jack.

Leave him alone.

He's making snide remarks.

Leave him alone!

[Major Burns] They started to run towards Camden

As soon as I shouted at them.

[Jack] Oh, a huge mistake!

Jack.

Vera, what did I just tell you?

Excuse me?

Vera.

[Vera] I'm sorry, but I think I've just been

Ordered by my husband to shut up.

[Major Burns] I'm sorry, I don't want to...

[Vera] Which is obviously much less polite

Than continually interrupting with your snide remarks.

I'm sorry.

I do apologize Major, what happened next?

[Major Burns] Simple, I got a good look at them

As they ran past me into the light.

[Vera] So you were able to give them a good description?

[Major Burns] I managed to give them

Far more than that, my dear.

I told them where to find them.

Really?!

Yes.

You see, it was apparent to me

That they were probably just some local youths.

And so, I told Inspector Marcus he'd be best if he

Concentrated his inquiries on local off licenses

As they would almost certainly be trying to buy alcohol.

The short one in the middle, the gang leader...

That's a little judgmental isn't it?

What makes you say that?

[Jack] Well it seems to me your story

Is more of a lucky guess than a calculated deduction.

I mean it's hardly the speckled band is it?

[Vera] Major, I can only assume your nephew is jealous.

[Jack] What on earth is there to be jealous about?

See!

[Major Burns] No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Let him finish my dear.

What do you have in mind dear boy?

First and foremost, no intelligent criminal

Would go to work on his own doorstep.

[Major Burns] I accused them of being criminals.

I didn't accuse them of having intelligence.

[Jack] Be that as it may, it's the first rule of business.

Flaunt it, and you're practically asking to get caught.

Secondly, your assumption about the shortest of the gang

Being the leader is pure speculation.

And based on a misconception at that.

The so called Napoleon complex to which you are alluding

Is based on a cartoon from the early 19th century.

The notion that all dictators or gang leaders,

If you prefer, are short, is nothing more than

Biting satire mistakenly attributed as fact.

The whole theory was refuted

In Nature Magazine a few years ago.

You might have missed it,

Seeing as it wasn't in the Daily Telegraph.

(Major burns grunts)

I don't doubt that the boy in the middle

Was probably the shortest,

But let's just chalk it up

To a bit of healthy inbreeding shall we?

[Major Burns] And what about their escape?

[Jack] Well what of it?

You saw them, they ran away.

There's nothing more to it.

No, no!

They went the least obvious way!

They must've been going towards home!

Towards Camden!

It was the only sensible move on their part!

They were robbing a man on the Camden towpath.

It's hardly akin to stealing the Mona Lisa.

Let's face it, you were no more the master detective

Than anyone else would've been in your shoes.

[Major Burns] Well, I think we're just going

To have to agree to disagree.

Well, the pleasure is all mine.

[Frank] You see?

What's wrong with you tonight?

I could ask you the same thing.

What's wrong with me?

A headache, after only one glass of wine?

What?

[Jack] Frank, you're spoiling the mood.

What else have you got old chap?

Just one little detail.

Inspector Marcus followed my advice,

And sure enough, they found the culprits

Attempting to buy booze, less than half a mile away.

They confessed, on the spot.

Not that I don't appreciate your attempts to outsmart me.

Keep up the good work!

One day, you might actually get away with it.

[Frank] One glass.

[Vera] What?

You know what.

Frank.

[Jack] Frank, would you mind giving me a hand?

Sure.

What are you doing?

Something's not right, she's irritable.

What do you expect?

You're irritating.

Jack, are you sure it was Vera you saw earlier?

Well, I don't want to cause a fuss.

Jack, just answer me.

Yes, I'm quite sure.

Quite?

I'm sure enough.

And this man, how were they behaving?

What do you mean?

Did it look like they were friends or?

He was certainly with her.

Yes, but.

Did you see anything that looked

Like they were up to something?

There was perhaps a, something in their eyes.

Do you want to know the truth?

Well, of course.

Then you need to find evidence.

What?

Evidence.

Something you can use against her.

I can't believe we're having this conversation.

Frank, you need to keep it together.

Listen to me, are you going to let her mess you around?

No.

Do you want your manhood back?

She's taken my manhood?

She took it the moment she started this affair!

Listen to me, can you do it?

I think so.

Can you do it!?

Yes.

Okay, call Stacey.

What?

Call Stacey.

Find out if they met for lunch today.

Now?!

When do you want to do it?!

I don't know.

Frank, you need to act quickly.

Before Vera can plant a story with her.

Yes, but...

But what?!

Well I don't have her phone number.

You don't have her number?

No.

Simple.

What?

You need to get her phone.

I need to get her phone?

Stop repeating me Frank.

Get Vera's phone and call Stacey.

Okay.

Good boy.

But it's in her bag, how am I gonna get it?

It's easy, I'll distract her.

How?

Trust me.

Here, take these out there.

But what about the Major?

You'll think of something.

Hi Marcus, it's me again.

Just calling to see where you are and...

Whiskey, we're out,

So if you can pick some up that would be great.

I realize it's not the most polite way to ask,

Also you might get here at any minute.

So if it's any trouble, please don't bother,

Just if you get the chance, thanks.

Where's the Major?

Bathroom.

Vera, I've got something you might like to see.

Really?

It's in the bedroom.

Would you like to come and have a look?

[Jack] You look so beautiful tonight.

[Vera] You certainly have a gift for timing.

To hell with Frank.

He's starting to come to a way of thinking.

What the hell is wrong with him tonight?

I know about as much as I care.

Neither of which is very much.

Do you think he knows?

Of course not, he's an idiot.

He wouldn't know we were at it if he sat here watching us.

You're right.

I know.

Oh, by the way, I found this.

Oh great, you could've told me this earlier.

I didn't get a chance to.

How am I going to explain that now?

You won't need to.

Do you have the other one?

Yes.

Put them on.

I've just told him I lost it Jack.

He's too wrapped up in himself to notice.

What are you trying to pull?

Nothing, I'm just trying to show you

How pathetic your husband is.

I don't need you to do that.

Why do I listen to you?

I want you so much right now.

I know you don't think much of the Major's deductions,

But I'm pretty sure he'd figure that one out.

But, maybe later.

Let's see where the night takes us.

Yes, let's.

[Major Burns] So, are you dealing with this yourself?

I imagine you could save on the commission

If you're really crafty.

For the last time I'm not...

Frank.

Did you get it?

Yes.

Good.

No it isn't.

The Major caught me.

What did you tell him?

I just told him I wanted

To show you pictures of the new flat.

Very clever.

Wait, you're moving?

Yes, like I've told you a dozen times.

I don't remember, when?

A dozen times.

Oh.

And it's not clever.

Look, he knows I've got the phone now.

What if he says something?

You'd better be quick.

Give me the phone.

Why?

Do want proof to confront her?

Yes.

Then give me the damn phone!

Wait, shouldn't I be doing this?

Yes you should.

But we both know you won't.

Jack...

I'm just trying to save you the whole moralizing escapade.

Getting on with it before you get caught.

Wait, before I get caught?

Wait, we're in this together.

Like hell we are.

It's ringing.

(Phone ringing)

What do I say when she answers?

The earring, ask her if she's found it.

Jesus Frank, do I have to spell it out?

Vera says they met for lunch.

The same lunch where she lost the earring.

Right, so we're looking for an earring now?

No.

Well what?

We're trying to find proof that Vera lied to you.

What if she says "Yes, I met Vera for lunch",

"She had a little bit too much to drink"

"And went home with a headache."

She won't.

[Stacey] Vera, hi.

Hi, no Stacey it's me, Frank.

[Stacey] Frank?

How are you?

I'm good thanks.

[Stacey] Is everything okay?

Yes, yes, I'm just calling to see

If you'd found Vera's earring.

[Stacey] Her earring?

Yes, Vera asked me to phone you to see if you'd found it.

[Stacey] Really, I'm not sure why.

Well she said that she lost it at lunch today.

You know when she was with you.

[Stacey] What do you mean?

Look, Vera met you for lunch today didn't she?

[Stacey] Frank, I haven't seen Vera for months.

And she had a little bit too much to drink didn't she?

[Stacey] Frank.

And then she lost the earring,

And then she went home

Instead of coming back to the office, didn't she?

[Stacey] Frank.

Didn't she?!

[Stacey] Frank!

What?!

[Stacey] I've no idea what you're talking about.

Frank.

Is Vera there?

I'm so sorry.

As loveable as he might be,

There's only so much conversation

I can take about mortgages.

What's wrong?

What are you doing with my phone?

Frank was just showing me photos of the new place.

You know I don't like you playing with that Frank.

You'll only break it.

It looks lovely.

What?

The flat.

Yes, yes it does.

Jack, do have anymore ice, we're all out?

Of course.

I'll take these through.

Why don't you two have a little chat?

Frank darling, what's wrong?

Nothing.

Frank.

[Frank] Don't call me that.

[Vera] Frank!

I said don't call me that!

But Frank, that's your name.

[Frank] It is, but with a little less condescendence.

What?

A little less of the implication that I'm an idiot please!

What, I didn't say that!

But you meant it.

What is wrong with you?

You tell me.

Excuse me.

I can't believe you'd do this to me Vera.

I know what you've been doing!

Know what?

You used me.

What on earth are you talking about?

I know you're having an affair.

What?

Don't deny it.

What did Jack tell you?

You think I need Jack to tell me what's going on?

I've got eyes of my own, stop playing me for a fool!

Frank, whatever it is you think is going on is...

Where were you this afternoon?

[Vera] I told you, I went to lunch with Stacey.

No you didn't.

I did.

No you didn't.

Why don't you believe me?

Because I called her!

What?

That's right, your foolish husband checked up on you.

But you don't...

Is that why you stole my phone?

Stacey hadn't seen you.

She had no idea what I was talking about!

Frank, let me explain.

Explain what?

That your husband's a fool?

Frank, I've been arranging a surprise for you.

(Frank laughs)

This is certainly a surprise.

I have!

Liar.

For your birthday.

Liar.

Frank please, just listen to me.

You, betrayed me.

I betrayed you?

Yes.

You steal my phone.

You check up on me behind my back and you feel betrayed?

[Frank] I'm just...

Domestic bliss aye?

They'll get over it.

I suppose it's not the best time

To mention we're out of Cherry.

Oh.

Afraid we might have to call in the squadron Major.

Sounds like it's getting a bit nasty in there.

(Major laughs)

It might not be so easy.

Suicide missions tend to be a tough sell.

What on earth do you think is going on in there?

I don't know, but I imagine it's not foreplay.

Oh don't be so tawdry Jack.

Is it a disagreement or a fight?

Hard to say.

[Vera] Oh for god's sake Frank!

I think it's a proper fight.

(Glass breaking)

Sounds about right.

(Major and jack laugh)

I say Jackie boy, you've certainly hit the bulls eye.

What's happened?!

I'm afraid I couldn't possibly say uncle.

Oh come on, I don't know Vera,

But I've know Frank all his life.

This is not like him.

This isn't one of your murder mysteries uncle.

I'm not gonna rat out my best friend.

Oh yes you are!

I'm afraid you're wrong this time uncle.

I'm never wrong.

You're dying to tell me.

Okay then old man, here it is.

Frank is suspicious.

He believes Vera is cheating on him.

Oh, nonsense!

You think so?

A girl like that wouldn't even think of it.

What makes you say that?

Well I can tell by the way

She looks at him that she loves him.

It's a thing you pick up on when you get to my age.

Really?

Yes.

He has done extraordinarily well for himself.

Far better than I would've imagined.

Let's hope he doesn't blow it.

Be that as it may, Frank has evidence to the contrary.

Such as?

Vera supposedly met someone for lunch today, a friend.

Frank has found out she was lying.

Really?

Yes.

And where did he acquire this information?

Simple, he asked her.

The friend?

Oh, well this really does throw a spanner in the works.

Hardly surprising though.

Why do you say that?

You said it yourself.

A beautiful girl like her with a boring man like him.

It's a wonder it didn't happen sooner.

Well yes, I do see your point.

I tell you what, this is starting

To sound like the beginning of a murder mystery.

Uncle Jamie.

Well no look, I know that we're talking

About Frank and his wife, but when you think about it...

Uncle.

It's like an episode of Midsomer Murders.

Oh where you can deduce the killer

In the first five minutes?

Well it's obvious isn't it?

(Glass breaking)

Do you think that we should intervene

Before the opening titles kick in?

I think we should let the children wear themselves out.

Speaking of whom.

I'm not doing this anymore.

[Frank] No, no, no, I'm the one

Who's not doing this anymore.

Are you going to argue about who's

Going to storm out of here as well?

It's Jack's apartment!

I've had enough!

I'm out of here.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

[Frank] You always have to have the last word don't you?!

I'm not listening to you.

[Frank] We are not finished!

Yes we are!

Cherry?

Vera.

Did you tell him?

Tell him what?

Did you tell him about us?

No, and I'd appreciate if you kept your voice down.

I have a reputation to protect.

He knows.

How would he know?

I don't know, you tell me?

He was strange in there Jack.

I've never seen him behave like that before.

He's just nervous about the business.

He's not nervous about the business.

He wasn't himself in there.

Come back inside, it's cold out here.

Like hell I'm going back in there.

Vera?

Jack I can't do this anymore.

He must know about us somehow.

He doesn't know, he just thinks he knows.

Well then he knows!

Well it depends on your point of view.

Jack this isn't the time for pedantry.

My psychotic husband thinks I'm cheating on him.

And worst of all he's right.

This will all blow over, I promise you.

No it won't.

Yes it will.

Frank just needs a little persuasion.

Let me fix this.

Jack.

Let me fix it.

I promise you it will be all right.

How?

Trust me.

Be the strong one.

Come back inside.

Steady ole boy,

You'll find that will have a bit of a kick in it.

Marriages aren't easy you know?

Tell me about it.

Sometimes you have to overlook a few things,

For both your sakes.

What do you mean?

You have to have a bit of a selective memory to be happy.

To keep the wife happy.

I can't believe that she...

Then don't.

Now you love her don't you?

Hmm?

Then you don't need to believe it.

Sometimes it's better to be happy than to be right.

Which are you?

Well I I happen to think that I'm both.

But that's just me.

The choice is yours.

Chin up, I'm sure that Jack would've

Convinced her to com back by now.

He wouldn't let anything ruin his plans.

I think the two of you should kiss and shake hands.

You know, I don't want to put a damper on the mood but...

Frank I...

How about a game?

[Jack] Four.

Frank?

One.

Your piece seems to be on the other side of the board.

Would you like me to move it for you?

Does this direction suit?

Your turn Major.

Six!

I would like to summon Ms. Scarlett

To the library with the gun!

(Laughs)

Vera?

Just as I thought!

Your turn again Jack.

Four.

I call the Reverend Green

To the dining room with the candlestick.

Frank?

What?

[Jack] Do you have any of those?

Now Frank, how are we going to finish the game

If you won't play along?

You know, there's always been something

That never quite sat right with me about this game.

The encouragement to commit murder in the family home?

(Major laughs)

No that's a traditional family past time.

No, no, no.

It's just always seemed a bit daft to me,

That given the number of options that one has,

The rope, the lead piping, the gun.

Who on earth would choose

To murder someone with a candlestick?

The Reverend Green I'm hoping.

[Major Burns] Well, perhaps yes.

But there's no real world application for it is there?

I mean, if you want a man dead quickly, use a gun.

If you want him to know that he's done for you strangle him.

And if you think he's really deserved it,

Well then you use the dagger and you let him bleed to death!

Are you speaking from personal experience there Major?

[Major Burns] Well, to some degree yes, yes.

You wouldn't believe some of the things

That I saw in the Army.

I mean kids today,

They think it's very fancy to carry around a knife.

Well it isn't!

I was in Port Stanley when an Argi tried to knife me!

What happened?

- I just twisted his arm - [Jack] twisted his arm

- [Major] and stabbed him - [Jack] and stabbed him

- [Major] in the thigh! - [Jack] in the thigh!

[Major Burns] That is as it may well be,

But the fact remains that a candlestick

Is still the most unsuitable object

With which to commit a murder.

Why?

[Major Burns] Well just look at the weight of the thing?!

I mean that alone makes it impractical!

Nonsense!

A bit of blunt force trauma would do the trick nicely.

[Major Burns] Yeah, but it would take a tremendous

Amount of strength to wield the blasted thing.

Or a moment of rage.

What do you mean?

I'll grant you uncle Jamie,

It is a poor calculated murder weapon.

You wouldn't stand on a street corner

Waiting for your victim to pass wielding a candlestick.

[Major Burns] Certainly not!

[Jack] No, but it might find application

In the heat of the moment.

Say for example, with a crime of passion.

Jack.

It need only be present at the scene.

And all you would need is that moment of rage

To summon the strength, raise it up and...

Jack!

Bang, one blow to the back of the head

And it is done.

Ugh Jack, stop it.

Vera, we're merely making conversation.

[Frank] Don't talk Vera.

[Vera] Frank?

[Major Burns] No, no, no, no, no more arguing you two.

We've had quite enough of that already.

All I'm saying is,

You shouldn't dismiss it as a possibility.

Right Frank?

(Long suspenseful music)

Right.

I'm just going to go and get something.

Back in a second.

Pay no attention to him.

Tact was never his forte.

(Heavy suspenseful music)

[Jack] I thought this might make

A fitting addition to our evening.

Now there's something I haven't seen in a while.

I never thought you had kept that.

[Jack] Why not, it's a family heirloom.

You see Vera, I can do sentiment.

Well, are you gonna light it

Or are we just gonna sit here

Admiring the fine craftsmanship?

There we are.

Very nice.

What the hell Vera?!

Excuse me?

[Frank] You were lying about that too?

Your earring!

Oh, that, I found it.

I don't believe you!

Frank it was in my bag all along.

Right!

We're gonna sort this out once and for all!

I think we ought to a...

Good idea.

[Frank] How could you do it Vera?!

I told you Frank, I haven't done anything!

How could you do this to me?!

You're making a mistake!

What, like I made when I married you?!

Frank.

Because believe me, that's what I'll be learning from.

Why won't you believe me?

Because I'm not a fool!

Who is he?

No one.

Like I'm telling you for the hundredth time, no one!

Jack wouldn't lie!

[Vera] Jack?

Jack told you this?

He told me nothing I couldn't figure out for myself.

[Vera] What did he say?

It doesn't matter what he said!

What matters is that it's true.

[Vera] No it isn't!

You'd take his word over mine?

I'm sorry, you're right,

I'm being unreasonable.

Well it's obviously my fault.

Are you trying to apologize?

That's what you want isn't it?

For me to make a fool of myself like I always do!

We fight and in the end I apologize.

You know what your problem is Frank?

What?

You're boring!

Excuse me?

[Vera] There's nothing wrong with that.

Lord knows it's half the reason I married you!

You certainly know how to flatter me.

[Vera] If you think for a moment that I married you

With some romantic notion of love,

I'm afraid you're very much mistaken!

You're the perfect husband Frank.

As perfect as they come.

You're polite, charming, and you can offer security.

But security is boring.

Artists make fine lovers but they're lousy husbands.

You might be dull,

But I can live with that.

No drama, no conflicts,

The perfect foundations for an everlasting marriage.

But I...

I love you.

Love is overrated.

Are you having an affair?

Yes.

(Slow sharp violin)

Say that again.

What?

I want proof for the divorce hearing.

Say it again.

No Frank, I won't.

Say it again!

Who is he?!

Get off me!

Frank!

Who is he?!

[Vera] Do you really want to know?!

Tell me!

He satisfies me.

(Vera screams)

Vera?

Vera!

Oh god!

What have I done?!

Jesus Frank what happened?

Major, I think you better go and call the police.

There's a payphone on the corner of the street.

I think it's best if you call from there.

Yes, I think you're right!

(Slow heavy music)

Frank.

Frank.

Look at me Frank.

You need to get up.

You can...

Frank, get up.

What am I going to do?

What am I going to...

We can sort this Frank.

You need to listen to me.

I didn't mean to...

I know you didn't.

It was just...

I know, try not to speak, okay?

What should we do?

What happened?

She's...

She was.

Jesus Frank, of all the things you could've done!

Jack!

[Jack] This is the worst!

You've gotta help me Jack!

[Jack] There's no way you can explain this!

Jack!

You've got to fix this Frank.

What?

There are gonna be consequences.

Things can't just be undone.

You know what you've got to do.

Well I, I couldn't...

Frank, listen to me.

There's only one way out.

Well I could...

[Jack] No you can't!

The facts, the facts are obvious.

But you're not going to prison.

You hear me?!

You are not going to prison.

I'm not going to prison.

That's right.

I'm not going to prison.

You're going to do the right thing.

Yes.

Now go.

Where?

[Jack] You can't be here.

[Frank] Why not?

You know why?!

Where can I go?

There's a railway bridge up on the hill.

Up on the hill.

[Jack] It's perfect, quiet, there'll be no one around.

Quiet.

Yes.

Go.

Now.

Jack, will you?

No, of course I won't Frank.

You're my friend.

Thank you.

(Door closes)

(Jack laughs)

It worked!

It actually worked!

The perfect murder.

And I did it!

I'm sorry Vera, I'm truly sorry.

If there was any other way,

I would've done it to someone else.

But it's your own fault.

You were just too damn perfect.

It was hard for me.

Given the family implications.

Frank is...

Was practically my brother.

And you were his wife.

But I had no choice.

Attempted robbery,

That wasn't impressive detective work Major.

I was always better than him and he knew it!

Not that he will ever acknowledge it of course.

But this was the big one.

The grand finale, so to speak.

With the perfect players.

A little exercise with some live rounds.

Poor Frank.

He was always the weakest link.

Though I don't think there's a single soul

Who wouldn't go that far

If they were persuaded enough.

Almost everything went according to plan.

A quite brilliant plan.

I couldn't have dreamed how cooperative Frank would be.

Part of me assumed he would just run.

He still can, but he won't.

A manhunt.

(Jack laughs)

Now that would've been fun.

You might think it a petty reason

For such an elaborate plot,

But you'd be wrong.

This wasn't about impressing uncle Jamie.

No, this was an experiment.

A chance to explore all the subjects reactions

To certain information.

And if I happen to beat the Major in the process,

Then no harm done.

Again, I'm sorry it didn't work out for you Vera.

I imagine I still have a few moments to myself.

Marcus will be upset he wasn't here for this.

He would've made an excellent expert witness.

Never mind, I'm sure uncle Jamie

Will play both roles admirably.

Adopt, adapt, and improvise aye?

The casting was important though,

And he was just perfect.

A social pain, but still respectable.

No one will question his word.

Still a civilian though.

Marcus, a real police detective.

Now that would've been something!

I only wish he could've been here for this.

Still, you can't always get what you...

(Coughing)

I'm afraid Vera, I can't let you alter the story.

(Fast violin playing)

(Deep brooding music)

Clever boy.

(Jack laughs)

(Knock on door)

Just a second!

Officers, you better come in.

Something terrible has happened.

(Clock ticking)

[Major Burns] I've only just met her.

I've known Frank his entire life.

I just can't believe he'd do something like this.

[Jack] So, after the Major went to call the police,

Frank told me he couldn't live with himself

After what he'd done.

I tried to restrain him, but he was so forceful.

I considered holding him back but,

Given what he'd just done.

I mean, I hardly was thinking about

What a man can do when he becomes so unhinged.

I mean can you imagine?

Finding out that your wife is cheating on you

All because she lost her earring.

Poor chap.

[Policeman] Do you have any idea where he might have gone?

Hmm?

[Policeman] Frank, do you have any idea where he might be?

Uh, well, I know he used to like walking

By the railway bridge.

[Policeman] On the hill?

Yes, that's the one.

He said he used to find it peaceful.

You don't think he would've...

[Policeman] I better call it in.

[Marcus] No need constable, they've already found him.

Marcus.

Jack.

So glad you finally made it.

You can go.

Is he all right?

I'm sorry, he threw himself off the railway bridge.

Jesus.

[Major Burns] Marcus.

[Marcus] Major, good to see you.

[Major Burns] You too.

Present circumstances accepted.

My it's been a while.

Yes, I never got to thank you personally

For your help that time.

I would've never caught them without you.

Wouldn't you?

[Major Burns] Honestly it was nothing.

I just wish that tonight wasn't under similar circumstances.

So, what on earth happened here tonight?

[Major Burns] It was all quite a pleasant evening,

Until Frank started to act strangely.

Yes, so you kept saying.

Jack.

[Jack] Well if you though he was acting strangely,

Then why didn't you do anything about it?!

[Major Burns] And what do you suggest I should've done?

[Jack] You were the one saying this

Was beginning to sound like a murder story.

[Major Burns] Jack, I never saw this coming!

You never saw it coming?!

Jack this isn't the time!

You never saw this coming?!

You, the great Master Detective!?

The man who can deduce the murder in an instant!?

Look Jack, you're obviously upset, but please...

Yes of course I'm upset.

My best friend just killed his wife and then himself!

And uncle Jamie, I'm sorry,

The amazing Major Burns, did nothing to prevent it!

Nobody could've done anything.

[Jack] Face it Major!

You lost!

And you're gonna have to live with it!

[Marcus] I'm afraid he's in a bit of shock.

I think it's best for him if you leave.

[Major Burns] I...

[Marcus] For now.

[Major Burns] I agree.

To hell with you Major Burns!

Jack, listen to me.

You don't need to think like that.

If it hadn't happened here,

It would've happened somewhere else.

Look, you've had a hell of a shock.

You need to get some rest.

Is there anywhere you can stay tonight?

I really don't know.

Well you can crash at ours if you'd like?

You sure?

I don't want to be any trouble.

[Marcus] No nonsense, we got a spare room.

It's the least we can do.

Well, thank you.

Yes, yes that would be lovely.

Good, I'll call Alice, let her know.

[Constable] Inspector?

Yes Constable?

The Major gave us what we need.

I'll get right on it.

[Marcus] Good work.

What was that about?

Oh, just a formaility.

When we found Frank he didn't have his mobile phone on him.

You don't know where he left it do you?

No, no.

[Marcus] Hmm, probably dropped it somewhere

On the way to the bridge.

Well we need to find it,

In case he made any calls on the way.

Just to get the full story.

Of course.

[Marcus] Major Burns has been very helpful,

He's provided us with Frank's mobile number.

I see.

What?!

Oh and Constable Peck is just calling it now.

See if anyone's picked it up.

It's ringing.

Fingers crossed.

(Mobile phone ringing)

(Suspenseful music)

Jack?

(Fast paced violin)

(Panicky fast paced violin)

(Slow brooding music)

(Fast panicky music)

(Slow unhappy music)