Original subtitles

- All righty. - I got all our snacks.

Hot wings, hot Cheetos, hot pretzels,

and the latest edition, hot beers.

Mm. Ugh.

That's the last time I listen to Guy Fieri.

[doorbell rings]

Oh God, I've summoned him.

That's our Postrabbit.

I hired someone to pick up our Game Station X.

- Freddie Benson? - Yeah.

Postrabbit here. I have your box from Blessed Buy.

Thanks so much.

I just got a Game Station, too.

Cool.

Hey, is this your phone number on the order?

It is, why?

Oh, I just thought I could maybe use it sometime for...

For what? Identity theft?

Please delete it. And I'm giving you no stars.

Dude, what the hell?

That cute Postrabbit was totally in to you.

- [scoffs] - She just wanted a good tip.

Here's a good tip.

You're going to die alone. She wanted your number.

So did that Nigerian prince.

Oh, was he free Friday for drinks?

We got to get you dating again.

[groans]

Who do I know who loves a short king?

My friend Ramona.

- She's beautiful. - Looks fade.

- She's spontaneous. - I'm a planner.

She's a nuclear physicist.

Call her now!

♪ I know you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

[together] ♪ And be so wonderful

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

[together] ♪ It's your time to be

♪ There's no chance unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best and leave the rest to me ♪

[upbeat music]

I know you have a work emergency

but can't I just stay home?

You sure can, but Grandma B is harvesting

our garlic kombucha so...

- Yeah, that 'bucha stink. - Mm-hmm.

I guess hanging with Carly is slightly better.

You'll have fun.

I like you hanging there when your mom's out of town.

Carly and Harper are strong, intelligent women.

They're good role models. I love you. [Smooches]

Same.

Defense, defense!

Okay, well, that's got to be illegal.

Both: Travel!

- Are you two watching sports? - God, no.

It's our favorite reality show, "The Real Widows of Wisconsin."

It's kind of like sports except these ladies

throw shade, flip tables,

and normally don't shower together.

Yeah, great role models.

And right now, they're fighting

about the big trip of the season.

- Cincinnati. - Ooh.

Countess Debra was 52 miles from diamond status

and couldn't use the lounge.

Both: Commercial break.

Would Freddie even let you watch a show like this?

He doesn't need to tell me not to.

I don't play in the gutter.

Oh hush, this show is how Carly and I met.

I was working at Skybucks

giving my blazing hot RWoww takes.

Which I agreed with 1,000% so...

When I went on my break,

we talked about the show the entire time and that...

Was the foundation of a lifelong friendship.

Harper was there for me during the hardest time in my life.

When Beau dumped you in front of millions of subscribers?

No.

When I cut my own bangs.

And when I needed a place to live

Carly said I should move in here.

And I'm so glad she did because now she's my BFSS,

Best Friend Since Sam.

And she's my BFUMCER.

Best Friend Unless My Cousin Ever Resurfaces.

At least you don't call yourselves something dumb

like Carper.

Oh, my God that's even better than Carhar.

We should get new mugs.

[upbeat music]

You know cheeses of the world

was the theme of my bat mitzvah.

- You're Jewish? - No, I just wanted one.

- [notification chime] - Oh, no.

What? I learned Hebrew and everything.

Not that.

I just got an invite to Seattle Fashion Fest.

Oh.

And it's addressed to me and Bo.

Oh.

And you know he's going to be there.

Bo attends every opening imaginable.

He'd attend a cesarean if they had to step-and-repeat.

You're joking, but he had one at his mom's funeral.

Which still seems better

than running into my ex and his new girlfriend.

Yeah, but you know what's better than that?

Crushing it in front of your ex and his new girlfriend.

Also burritos.

Picture it.

You, gorgeous gown, hot blow out,

a tiny little clutch

that couldn't possibly hold anything.

Cute earrings.

Although will you be able to see them with a blowout?

Good point. You should do a statement necklace.

Yes. Wait, this is fun.

Okay, let's do it.

I'll go to the event, but only if you style me.

Really? Are you sure?

I mean you should be because I'm amazing, but just checking.

Yeah, it's your dream to be a stylist

and if I'm wearing something you picked out,

it'll almost be like having you right next to me.

So you in?

I have a million ideas already.

Great. I just have a couple tiny requests.

Nothing too bright, but not too somber,

love ruffles, hate frills, classic, but daring.

Love sleeveless. Hate my elbows.

Can you do something about that?

My mom knows a doctor in the Cayman Islands,

but he might not have a license.

So what do you think?

Rite Aid. $11.99.

You look like you're auditioning

- for a high school jazz band. - Is that good?

Maybe Ramona likes jazz. Should I write her a song?

Whoa, daddy-o. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

You haven't even met her yet.

Yeah, I know, but just the fact that I'm excited

means that I'm ready, Spencer.

You have put the ready back in Freddie.

You may be ready, but whoof, have you seen those eyebrows?

You should go take care of those bad boys.

- Okay, but this works though. - I keep this.

I love it. Yep.

Problem. I showed Ramona pictures of Freddie.

She doesn't want to go out with him.

This could scar him forever.

Relax. It happens to everyone.

Else.

Just find him another date.

But then he'll know she rejected him.

It'll crush him before he even gets back out there.

It's got to be Ramona.

Unless it doesn't.

I've got an idea.

Oh, he's just not going to tell us.

♪

- Keep your eyes closed. - I have a surprise.

- Did you do the dishes? - I said surprise, not miracle.

Now open.

It's our very own styling station.

Harper, this is amazing.

- I know, right? - I feel like a real stylist.

You are a real stylist.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Both: Outfit montage!

♪

It's hurting my retinas.

I feel like the lining of a really expensive casket.

Too frilly.

Too silly.

Too racy.

Too spacey.

Too flirty.

Too birdy!

Harper, I feel like you're not quite getting it.

- I thought we agreed. - This is your moment to shine.

You need to be a trailblazer.

Totally. But like an effortless trailblazer.

Like I just got out of bed

and was all "Oops, I just blazed a trail."

Maybe I haven't been clear enough

about what I'm looking for.

No, effortlessly trailblazing could not be clearer.

I know. I'm sorry.

It's just the thought of going out on the red carpet on my own

and seeing Bo and Lita.

It's just hard to choose an outfit for an event

I'm not that excited to go to.

Ooh, maybe you just need some arm candy of your own.

And I have the perfect guy. Trenton.

And he is just your type.

- Okay, I'm in. - Yeah!

Wait, is this another one of your man-me-downs?

We... never.

Did we?

No. I'm 80% sure we didn't.

[scoffs] Fine.

This is why I got you those color-coded Post-it notes.

Right, right.

[upbeat music]

- How much do I owe you? - Nothing.

But I would accept your phone number as a tip.

You're sweet, but a date with me cost 500 an hour.

And I bet it is worth every penny.

But yeah, I don't have that so have a great day.

Excuse me. Hi.

Are you the lady from the errand app?

If that's what you want to call it.

Wow.

Are all the women that work for your company are this gorgeous?

My friend hired someone to pick up his package last night

and she was stunning.

We have all different types working for us.

But we all know how to handle a package.

That's great to hear.

So let me cut to the chase. I'm pretty desperate.

Most of the guys I work with are.

Then you'll have an easy time with Freddie.

I just need you to have coffee with him tonight.

Just coffee? That's it?

Yeah, but

I need you to pretend to be a woman named Ramona.

- Is that weird? - Ugh, honey,

For the rate you're paying,

I'll be whoever you want me to be.

Let me just send you the payment request.

And we're good to go. [notification chimes]

- Ouch. - That's a really high rate.

Well, we're the best at errands.

And done.

Okay, so my friend Ramona is a nuclear physicist.

Would you be able to handle that kind of backstory?

- Sure. - And I own plenty of costumes.

Oh, nice. Are you an actress?

- Most of the time, yes. - Unless the guy is really hot.

♪

- Everything looks so good. - Really?

How can you tell? There's no pictures.

Whoa, can you read minds?

- No, I can just read. - [chuckles]

Harper said you guys met at the gym.

Do you work out at Purple Thesis too?

Yeah, I go Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday.

But sometimes I go Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,

Friday and Sunday, because you know,

diversity.

Got it.

So have you decided on what you're going to eat?

Uh, hello, there's no pictures.

Wow. You're really bad listener.

Harper said we'd be perfect for each other.

I wonder what made her think that.

Are you a Flat Earther too?

There are so few of us who are enlightened.

No, but I wish I could fall off the edge right now.

♪

- Hi. Are you Ramona? - Yes. I'm Ramona.

Ramona, the nuclear science person.

- Well, I am very nervous. - I mean, that's not my name.

My name is nervous... Freddie, that's my name.

Should I just go home? [laughter]

Wait, are you laughing with me or at me?

- The good one. - Oh, phew.

Yeah, it's hard for me to tell. I have an 11-year-old daughter.

Okay, Zaddy.

Well, I will look that up later.

Are you just coming from work?

No, I'm just getting started for the night.

- What? - I mean, yes.

I just came from the lab.

Did you know that

the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell?

Yes. And did you know that some cells in multicellular

organisms don't have mitochondria at all?

What am I talking about?

- Of course, you do. - Of course, I do.

It's so nice to just talk to you.

It has been so long since I've been on a date.

It's been so long since I actually talked on a date.

Oh, did you also know that H2O is also actually water?

And did you also know that H2O2 is also hydrogen peroxide?

- Of course, I did. - I'm a science worker.

[chuckles]

God, I miss flirting!

♪

- It's been a rough week. - I need a heavy pour.

Carly!

I've got it. A tux moment.

Powerful, androgynous, timeless,

very HBIC, Head Bitch In Charge.

That sounds a little severe.

How about more Fun Bitch In Charge?

Fun Bitch In Charge In A Tux.

Love it so much.

But I was thinking something totally different.

- Ta-da. - That?

It looks like a dress you would wear

to an Air Force father-daughter dance.

Wow. That's a very specific and on-point read.

I just think maybe I'll be more comfortable

and something I've worn before.

It's a red carpet.

You're not supposed to be comfortable.

Okay, it was just a suggestion.

And it's so helpful.

Because this is great practice for when I'll have to deal

with difficult clients one day. I better get to work.

- Don't worry. - She's still my BFSSBSJBARN.

Best Friend Since Sam But She's Just Being Annoying Right Now.

♪

Ugh!

- Hey! So how did the date go? - I don't want to oversell it.

But that was the best date

that I or anyone else has ever been on.

- Yes! - Whoo!

And now that you've got one date under your belt,

there are plenty more dates

right around the corner with other ladies.

There are definitely more dates coming up

but not with other girls.

I asked Ramona to go out again. She said yes.

[notification chimes]

- For tomorrow at 8:00 p.m.? - Yeah. Wait, how did you know?

- Just a lucky guess. - [chuckles]

I think Ramona is very special.

I want to take this really, really slowly.

Yeah, but not too slowly.

I mean, dating can be really, really expensive these days.

True, but she's worth it.

Now that I have Ramona, I can do all the things

that I've been wanting to do for so long.

[big band music]

♪

[notification chimes]

Dang it!

♪

[notification chimes]

Son of a!

♪

[notification chimes]

Obscenity!

♪

[indistinct chatter on TV]

I hate clothes.

Shh! "RWoww" just started.

And thanks you boomers, I'm emotionally invested.

- Ugh! - The red carpet is tomorrow.

Why is every dress here just wrong?

At some point, maybe you just have to blame the model.

Carly! It finally happened.

Your cousin resurfaced?

No, I got an outfit that you are going to love.

But that does remind me I should check in with my PI.

Oh, another outfit, hooray.

It's perfection and all it took was

some creative thinking, a couple of sketches,

and Spencer's credit card ending with 6821.

I got real lucky with that security code.

I'd love to try it on but "RWoww" just started.

Carly, is everything okay?

No, I'm stuck in a dress.

- Whoa! - Cynthia Morgan just called off

her wedding to Mauricio Vandercliff!

- How could this be happening? - Good for her.

Good? I thought we agreed

that Mauricio was perfect for Cynthia.

- Things change. - And Mauricio is way better off.

How do you know what's best for Mauricio?

Oh, she did not just go there.

You have no idea what's happening

in the Mauricio's head.

He's got a lot going on right now.

He just got broken up with

and now he's launching his new channel

and trying to pick this dress for Fashion Fest!

Well, it would be a lot easier to help Mauricio

if he didn't have his head so far up his own dress.

Yes! Fill that tea!

Look I'm doing the best I can.

But you're just not listening to me.

I'm trying to listen.

I've worked really hard on this so can you just trust me?

- Oh, like I did with Trenton? - You said he was just my type.

- What are you talking about? - He was smoking.

Yeah, but that was just his last two brain cells

rubbing together.

- Fine. You do what you want. - Great. I'm going to my room.

Which I can't even get to because of all these dresses.

- Table flip! - I have to return those!

Go ahead because I'm not wearing any of them.

- I'm not going anymore. - Oh, can you two keep it down?

I'm trying to watch this epic fight.

[upbeat music]

♪

[sighs]

[sighs]

I'm sad.

- Heard you the whole time. - What's up?

Harper and I had a fight.

- I'm sorry. - Is Carper breaking up?

Look out world. Spencely is back!

Just this whole styling thing's been really tense.

And then she set me up with a guy who she said

would be perfect for me. And he was so dumb.

- He hot though? - Stupid hot.

- Yeah, that's your type. - Are you calling me shallow?

No, I'm calling you consistent.

Think back on all the guys you've dated over the years.

Gorgeous dum-dums. Himbos!

Pretty in the face-a. Empty in la cabeza.

Wow, that is my type.

Damn it, Harper was right about the guy.

She was probably right about the dress too.

Should I wear a bird?

I feel like I'm missing something here.

- No, I am. - I'm missing this event.

And Harper is missing a big styling opportunity

and a bunch of publicity. What should I do?

- Go make it up to her. - Go Carly, go! Come on!

Not till you give me advice! I need your advice!

Okay, I hired an actress off Postrabbit

to ease Freddie back into dating, but...

Postrabbit?

Spencer, this is EagerBunny. It's for hiring sex workers.

My friend Anna put herself through law school on that app.

- So she's not... oh. - But there was a charge... oh.

And the costume, yeah. What am I going to do?

Just be honest with Freddie.

He'll understand you were just trying to help.

Or I could get him a celebrity apology

from ContritionPigeon.

Or you can just report your credit card as stolen.

But not the one ending in 6821.

♪

Hey, Melissa, have you seen your dad?

He went to go see his new lady friend Ramona.

Damn it. Oh, that'll cost me.

Oh, hey, man, listen, we have to talk.

Can it wait? I'm a bit bummed.

I just ended things with Ramona.

Oh, thank God.

That you had the courage to let her down gently.

I'm sorry Millicent,

but I just dumped your future stepmother.

Never met this woman.

Thought the photos were only okay.

It was great getting to know her, but I don't know.

- There's just no spark. - [scoffs] No spark?

Was expecting a damn rocket launched to Mars

after all that

romance and listening.

Look, don't get me wrong.

I love a woman with a career but she kept leaving our date

so abruptly for "nuclear physicist emergencies."

And always right on the hour.

But hey, even though it didn't work out with Ramona,

the ready is still in Freddie.

We got to get you a new catchphrase.

What's everyone doing in my apartment?

I was here trying to get some peace and quiet after

Carly left for Fashion Fest. But clearly that plan failed.

- She actually went? - What did she wear?

I don't know. All I saw was those jacked up elbows.

Carly!

♪

- Carly! Wait, wait! - Harper!

Okay, before you say anything, I just have to say I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry too but... - No, it's okay.

You're brilliant.

You used my old dress and I feel so confident.

You can't go out there in this.

What? What do you mean?

I was just about to [fabric rips]

[gasps] Oh, my God.

We never did a fitting.

These are all just temporary stitches.

Oh no, what am I going to do?

Don't worry, I got you.

So are we good?

I mean, I did flip a table.

- Can I be honest with you? - It was iconic.

Even though I was so angry, I was secretly living for it.

[shutters clicking]

Same. I just wish you'd thrown a drink in my face.

Ooh, we'll save that for our next fight.

[fabric rips]

By the way, you were so right.

My type is totally hot and dumb.

What a revelation. Do I need therapy?

No, I'm good.

[fabric rips]

Promise me you'll never let go.

I'll never let go Carly, I'll never let go.

[fabric rips]

No sudden moves.

- We live here now. - Okay.

♪

Hey Harper, it's me, Countess Debra, duh.

This is your ContritionPigeon from your friend Carly.

She wants me to let you know that you are so talented.

That outfit you put together

was effortlessly trailblazing.

It was so Fun Bitch In Charge.

Also, please forgive Carly for being so difficult

but also, like, you are no cakewalk, either.

Irregardless, please forgive her.

Just like I forgave my dead husband,

who I miss so much

and I definitely didn't kill

to get on "The Real Widows Of Wisconsin."

In conclusion

feminism.

Like I always say, money isn't a thing,

it's everything!

Bye.

Both: It's everything!

♪