Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Oh, some people really don't care, Violet.

They don't.

I know that.

They just let stuff happen up there

- and they roll with it. - Yeah, I know.

Content with whatever random chance delivers to them.

But that's not me, Violet.

- Really? - Sorry.

I'm talking about control, Violet.

- I know. - Carefully exercised,

meticulous control.

- Oh, I got a call coming in. - Mhm.

- Do not hang up. - Ugh.

Hi, hi, hi, hi.

Hi, hi, hi, sorry, yes, yes.

Would it help if I told you that I'm on mushrooms?

No, okay, they're waiting for you inside.

- Who are you talking to? - Sorry, nothing, Bob.

Because life is too short, Violet.

Hey, David, this is coming off your time.

Well, you... You know what I mean.

- Uh-huh. - I think the expression

- still applies here. - Welcome to the Death of Comedy!

Yeah!

How's everybody doing?

Hello, how's everybody doing tonight?

Fair.

I respect that.

How's everybody else doing?

So when you come to the show with a sack

of bottom-shelf booze it makes a difference.

Not just to the talent of the show

but to the prestige of the show itself.

Top-shelf for now on, all right?

I don't want us to look like assholes.

Oh, and uh, the... the dark of the moon is coming up.

- So uh, I... you know. - Yep, I know.

Life's too short, Violet.

That's how racism works, right, you know?

I don't mean like you know,

muttered, in-traffic, casual, weekend racism.

Okay, alright!

With... and with that searing social insight,

methinks this crowd has been sufficiently warmed up.

You may know our first performer from college.

That's how I know him. Give it up for Andy Jocelyn!

Uh, hi, I'm Andy Jocelyn.

Um, tell you all a bit... a little bit about myself.

Uh, when I was 6 years old, I was first diagnosed as a hunk.

And it's been tough, it's been tough ever since...

- Hey, you're Violet, right? - Yeah.

Hi, I'm uh, Dax Hanlan.

- Hi. - ...every girl I go home with

- has a body pillow. - I'm from Boston.

And why are they all named Idris Elba?

Explain that to me. Explain that.

- Is this your show? - The one you're talking through?

- Yeah, it's my show. - Cool.

Well, I was a uh, regular at the Comedy Pit,

back in Boston, and then Dave's Douchebag of Comedy

- I did a few times, so... - That's really... okay just...

yeah, you can message the show page

and I'll throw you up if we have a spot for you.

- Awesome, thank you, um. - That was all I could remember.

Oh, no, hold on. This is true.

I was uh, I was driving home last night

and uh, I went through a DUI checkpoint, totally sober.

Have you ever done this?

Oh my God, it's the greatest feeling.

I've never been so confident in my life.

I've never been so confident.

I'm like, "Oh yeah, I'm turning the radio up.

You'll have to ask for me to turn it down."

Wait, can you get... I was wearing a Polo.

So you book Too Late, right?

And he pulled me out of the car in a Polo shirt.

- No, I don't book Too Late. - Aren't you... you're Bob Devore's

- assistant, right? - Sorry what was it? Dax?

- Yeah, that's it. - Yeah, I am Bob's assistant,

but I don't book that show. I've never booked that show.

No one will ever book the show other than Bob,

because according to him, basically

nobody's good enough to do it. Okay?

And I don't really know how things worked at whatever

you know, piss-stained wing hut you came up in,

but around here, generally speaking,

the way to get on a show isn't harassing the booker

of the show during the show.

Got it?

So just message the show page.

- Okay. - Right, okay.

These other local hangout yokels, they're like...

- Fuckin' stuck-up bitch. - "How do you know my dog?"

I was like, "I am too high to be at the bar." This is crazy.

They didn't know my dog, they just heard me

talking to my dog.

And then I was like, "What, what, what, what?

Wh... why are you talking to my dog?

Sir, this is a dognapping in progress.

I'm not having any of it. Are you kidding?

You're gonna steal my dog under my watch? No.

But that's how human trafficking starts.

If you had any idea how tired I was, you would

not be making bacon right now.

Hmm, you are a great friend and roommate, Vi,

but between you and bacon,

bacon wins every time.

Wow.

That is so nice.

Oh, how did TDOC go last night?

Aside from David being on mushrooms the entire time,

- it was really good. - Are you serious?

- Yeah, whole time. - Is there anything

- he won't do on mushrooms? - No.

God, that lady from TelaVid, she show up?

- Oh, Donna Rudinsky? - Yes.

No, she did not come, but uh, I have sent her office

so many invites that they probably think I'm a stalker.

Oh, well, answer me this.

Why do you think people go to a show?

- To laugh. - No.

They come to a show because there's something there.

- What's that? - They come because you've

created something of value.

Will you tell that to uh, the woman who runs Coffee Lust,

because she threatens to shut down my show

- like every other week. - Yeah, but she hasn't, because?

- Value. - Yes!

- Yes! - She gets it!

- Look at that. - Okay, yes, so value yourself

- Vi. - Alright, well, it's not

- as easy as that, Belinda. - Mm-mm, no, no, no, no.

Mm-mm, get my name out of your mouth

if you're gonna say stuff like that, okay.

It's not easy, but that's how it's done.

Value yourself.

- Okay. Thank you. - Mhmm.

- You jumped. - Uh, the water sloshed.

You jumped like a gun went off, Vi.

- I'm... I'm tired. - No. No, I'm tired.

I am tired of watching you slave for this guy

thinking it's gonna lead anywhere.

- I don't slave! - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Do not lie to me today.

Today is bacon day.

Do not ruin it with your lies.

- It's not so bad. - He's never gonna let you go.

I feel like I'm on an island.

There's like... there's like a million bridges off it

you know, but every single one burns the second I try to leave.

That job is your whole life.

I can't even remember the last time

there was any Vi-oriented penis in this house.

Oh, well, it...

- It's a drought, okay? - Okay, easy.

- Yeah. - There's more to life than...

Oh, than a boss that only lets you peek in the party

but never invites you in?

- Touché, Belinda. - Yeah.

- Touché. - Okay, go.

- I'm going, I'm gone. - Go scurry off to your phone.

- Okay. - Oh, and you're welcome

- for the bacon, by the way! - Oh my...

Alright, cue one.

Cue two.

Next.

What the fuck... Fredo?

- Huh? - What the fuck is this?

Cue three.

No, the... the blue, what gel is this?

Hmm?

The blue, what gel did you use?

It's a 60.

No this... mist blue.

I asked for a mist blue.

Yeah, mist blue, this is 60.

No, 61 is mist blue, 60 is no color blue.

You want me to look like a corpse up here?

My bad, sorry.

Alright, well, switch it out.

Corpse anyway.

Oh, I'm glad you could make it.

Is this what you got?

- Yeah, that's what they had. - Ugh.

Alright, look, if Gina gets upset,

it's your head, not mine.

You got Gina Obispo?

Yeah, she was in town.

Nice get.

What do you think I do all day?

Set this up backstage.

- Fredo. - Yeah?

Let's run it again, uh, this time I'll pretend

that I don't know the blues are all fucked up.

Yeah, I'll pretend I care.

Oh, and uh, Violet, don't forget,

dark of the moon.

I don't know why but I feel so cosmo tonight.

Cosmopolitan pink.

Just add vodka and I'm ready to drink.

Aw, listen to me going on about pink martinis with

and without cherries, here I am supposed to be watching

my figure and I tell you I have, I've been watching it for years

and I still can't figure out where it went,

I know it's inside me somewhere.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Hello? Oh, hi.

- Do you have any ice back here? - Hm?

I mean I like warm well whiskey as much as the next lady.

- I just thought... - Right.

Get lucky and live like a princess.

You a comic?

I saw you writing in that notebook.

No, no, I just... I work for Bob.

- Is he making you take notes? - No, no, no, no,

this is just something I'm working on.

Hmm, aren't we all working on something?

He's a cocksucker, right?

I don't...

It's okay, I won't tell.

You can admit it. Say it.

I think it's more like he just like loves

for the show to be perfect.

So he's a cocksucker.

Yeah.

Don't worry, uh...

- Violet. - Violet!

They all are.

- And you're a comic, so... - Here she is...

- I gotta go. - ...Gina Obispo, everybody!

- Be professional. - Yep, to you.

Hey, did you guys know you can do a bunch of yoga

and still be an asshole?

My husband told me that, random fact, I know.

And then he said,

"It's not a random fact.

I'm telling you to your face.

You're an asshole."

- Very intimate. - Pretty great.

You hear the laughs immediately.

Yeah, this is a treat.

- Thanks for having me. - Next time better bourbon.

- Hey, it's the comedian. - Hey, nice act.

The comedian?

Yeah, we met backstage earlier.

No, no, this is Violet, my assistant.

Oh, are you... you have something against women comedians?

Me? Never!

I had two on the show, you one of them.

- Yeah, you're counting them. - Right? Come on.

On one hand.

He's afraid of the competition.

Oh, knock it off.

Do you need something?

I was just hoping maybe I could hang with Gina...

Hey, Bob, be careful how you treat your assistants,

cause they know where the bodies are buried.

Well, Violet would never leave me, would you, Violet?

No, no, no, in fact, I think you would probably die without me.

- Ah, Fredo! - Uh, sorry.

I forgot to ask um, are you going to David's?

- Oh, right, the cult thing? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Can I maybe ride with you?

Sure, yeah, I could use a drink.

- Let's go. - Oh.

Well, not all the way to the party,

- my apartment's on the way, so. - So you wanted a...

- so you wanted a ride home? - Mhm yeah, but you should go.

- I should? - Yes.

- Why? - Because you seem tense.

No.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Drink, my children!

Drink and become one with the cosmos!

Ey, Vi's here!

The prophecy has been fulfilled!

Yes.

So your party is mass suicide-themed?

There's no comedy police, Vi.

- Only censors. - Oh.

Oh shit, that's really good.

I gotta... I gotta write that down.

- Well... - No, that's good.

I don't know if it's writing-down good.

Ah.

Oh yeah, look at all that value, Vi.

Ugh!

Ugh.

Oh, congratulations, Violet, you found a closet.

- Slash my bedroom. - Oh, sweet fancy cock.

- Hi. - Hi, Jimmy Rhodes.

- Okay, hi. - Hi, I rent David's closet.

- Violet. - Hello.

Uh, it... I know it's small, but it's also super pathetic.

- So... - That tickles.

Well, I think we're trapped.

What? Like existential...

Uh, okay.

- Right. - Naughty like that.

So um, what do you do when you're not in your closet?

I uh, I'm a dog walker.

You're a comedian?

- Yes. - Uh, okay.

Now, well, you're in good company.

Oh, do you do stand-up?

No, but I'm a booker.

I know.

Then why'd you ask?

I don't wanna seem desperate.

Mhm, all right.

Well, this is where you ask for a spot

and I tell you to just message the show page.

Why would I do that?

I mean you've never even seen me perform.

I could be terrible.

Jimmy Rhodes, thank you.

You're welcome. For what?

Well, for being the least desperate person

I've met in years.

Well, give me a few minutes.

Uh, just not much further you can go in Columbus.

- Ooh. - Comedy-wise.

- Yeah. - There are like a few clubs

in the city, but you know,

mostly you're going up in between trivia nights

and music open mics.

It's pretty much the same as here.

Except here you get paid.

- So uh, where are you from? - Here.

Oh, you saved yourself the trip.

- You know, that's why I did it. - Smart.

Yeah, I came out and I was just like,

Let's just... yeah, save on gas for the family.

Yeah, not a lot of babies worry about that.

Well, those babies are dumb.

Okay.

No.

No.

No, no.

Oh.

I think they're done.

Should probably make your escape

in case they get a second wind.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, a third wind.

Can I uh, can I give you uh, my number?

- Yes. - Okay.

It's R-H-O-D-E-S,

just in case you forget.

Forget all this?

Nuh-uh.

You know where to find me.

Goodnight, Jimmy R-H-O-D-E-S.

Um, goodnight, Violet.

My friends call me "Vi".

- Hey. - Jesus!

People should wear fucking bells.

What's your problem?

You don't remember me?

Lance something?

Dax!

- Dax from Boston. - Okay.

Alright, Dax.

Good night, Dax.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm going home, it's late.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

- No. - Okay, stop.

- Look, it's early. - Okay.

You don't think I'm good enough for your show, hmm?

- Stop, give me the keys. - Mm-mm.

I'm gonna show you how good I am.

You don't want this.

No.

You really don't.

I really do.

Please stop.

Please, okay, please, stop.

I want it.

- Too Late. - Hm?

I can... I can book you on Too Late.

Are you fuckin' with me?

Come on! That's what I'm talking about.

Okay, just come to the next show.

You'll be ready for me?

Oh yeah, I'll be ready.

I'll see you then.

Okay.

Too Late.

- Too Late. - Hm?

This... uh, I read this really interesting fact today.

I read that, uh, more soldiers in the Civil War

died from diarrhea

than from actual war wounds.

That's true. Isn't that interesting?

Yeah, I was reading about it,

because I am a huge diarrhea buff.

You ever seen Ken Burn's diarrhea?

18 hours...

- The iPhone started... - Boo.

- Ah! - What is this?

No, give it back, Dax, those are mine.

I said give it back!

- Are these your jokes? - Dax, stop.

- I said give it back! - Sh!

You're Bob Devore.

I'm Dax Hanlan from Boston.

This is the comic I was, uh, telling you about.

The new talent you wanted me to find.

Well, enjoy the show, Dax.

Knock 'em dead, pops.

Hey, Bob?

Come in.

Hey.

Bob, you remember Dax?

Right.

See you in a couple of days, Bob.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You wanna stay and uh, party with us?

Ah, I wouldn't wanna keep Bob waiting.

Thanks, babe.

It's a pretty good show.

I mean I thought the juggler was a little bit faggy,

- but it's your shit, right? - It's not for everybody.

Dude.

I cannot believe I'm about to rail lines

with Bob fucking Devore.

It's unbelievable.

You know, not to tell you how to do your business or anything,

but you gotta get yourself a new assistant, dude.

I mean she's a hot piece of ass and everything,

but she is way too stuck up.

What the fuck?

What the hell?

Come on, man!

What the hell?

You keep the cocaine. You can keep the cocaine,

- I don't care! - Goodbye, Dax.

No!

No!

No!

Fredo, I got soda!

They didn't have that cactus thing you like,

but I got a Japanese one.

Looked it up and it stands for happy pineapple.

How fun is that?

Okay, Fredo?

Fredo, popcorn machine is down.

Above my pay grade.

Hey, Fredo, can you help me with this?

I don't know what any of it means.

- Fredo! - He's out.

Ah! Bob, I thought you were still recovering.

Dax wasn't much of a meal.

It's been like three days.

It was like eating air.

You're making me nervous, Violet.

Oh, I'm making you nervous?

I can make things happen for you,

- but only if you do your job. - I am doing my job!

I drove all the way to Ontario last week to scout talent.

- And what did you find? - It was Ontario.

You went into this with open eyes, Violet.

We could have ended it right there, but you agreed.

You've got four weeks till the dark of the moon.

I've been patient with you, Violet.

Don't test me.

Listen, when you get inside, please do me a favor...

Wait, is that Violet Fields?

Hey, Vi.

Jimmy.

Rhodes, R-H-O-D-E-S.

Uh, how is the show going?

Oh, it's about to start, so...

Right, yeah.

So you come to beg for a spot?

Yep, I'm the worst.

Hey, are you coming in or what?

Hey, yeah, give me one sec.

Oh no, I... if you're busy, I can just go away.

No, no, Violet's never too busy for her friends.

- This is Jimmy. - Hello, Jimmy.

We met at David's, you know, mass suicide party.

- Oh, that's nice. - Um, sorry.

So I just give them the one-minute light.

- What? - When I'm running the show

tonight, so you can have a break.

God damn it.

I'm sorry I... I gotta get that.

- No, I've got it. - Violet!

Hi, this is Violet, please leave a message.

- Pick up the phone! - He hung up.

Well, you have the night off, do you wanna go get food?

Yeah, Vi, do you?

I...

You know what? Fuck Bob.

- Yeah, yeah! - Yeah!

Fuck Bob.

Is fuck Bob a "yes"?

- Yeah. - Cool.

- Okay, yeah. - Cool.

Yeah, yeah, okay, go. Get out of here.

Get out of here.

- He'll call. - Bye, bye.

- Thank you. - Have fun!

God, I hope she remembers how to use that thing.

Yeah, are we ready to start? Where's Vi?

Mm, she's not coming, she is on a date.

- Really? - Yes, really.

Are you on shrooms right now?

No.

Not as far as you know.

It's good enough.

Fuck it.

So uh, how's the old closet?

All right, it keeps me off the streets, okay?

Uh, I am looking for like a nicer place,

but uh, I don't know, you know?

No, I do not know. What?

Right, um, my friend got me this writing job uh,

in New York on an award show and once that was over,

I was like, "Well, I have this one sort of

tenuous connection to this place.

What I should probably do is move

to the other side of the country

where I have no connections

and know absolutely no one."

That's a great plan.

People often say, "You can plan real well."

Okay, but you know, David.

Does anyone really know David?

- Mm. - Yeah.

You know me.

That I do.

- Thanks for dinner. - Oh.

I really should have paid.

I was the one who invited you.

Jimmy, you live in a closet.

You're funny, Violet.

Mm.

I wasn't being like condescending.

It... that was like an admission of envy.

- Envy? - I've just never really met

anybody like you before.

So why are you booking but not performing?

Uh, why am I... I mean you know, life costs.

I needed a job, and Bob offered,

and I couldn't say no.

Right, but not even on your own show?

Well, it'd be a conflict of interest.

The entire reason people start shows

is so they can book themselves on said show.

- Okay, well... - So, it's a real racket.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Mm, you know, I think...

I think we all like start out

with this idea of like what we think we wanna be,

but we end up just being what we are.

- Do you like ice cream? - I like ice cream.

Okay, great. I'm just loaded...

- You are... - With dog-walking money.

And it's absolutely burning a hole in my pocket.

Good show, man, that was fun.

- Uh, yeah, yeah. - You did great!

Well, thank you so much for helping.

I'll see you later.

Bye!

No.

No, no, no, no.

Oh shit.

This is me.

Yep.

Scene of the crime.

What?

I don't know.

I just said it.

Okay.

Uh.

- Thank you for dinner. - Thank you for ice cream.

- Okay. - Okay.

Why don't you just go do it?

Hey, Jimmy.

Can I tell you something I've never told anyone

this soon after meeting them?

Okay.

I wanna book you on my show.

And you just tell me like that?

- I'm so... - I just thought

- it would be special. - I know.

- The first time with... - Right.

- ...candles or music or... - I... yeah, I thought lots of

like harps and doves, but it's just it's happening so fast.

- Okay. Yes, I... - You wanna do it?

- Yes, I'd like to do it. - You wanna do it?

Yes, thank you. I'm flattered.

Okay.

Oh God.

Brace yourself!

Andy!

I'm so sorry.

- I'm sorry, I just... - You almost got a face full

- of key, dude. - Oh, I... hey,

- I didn't mean to uh... - What do you want?

Is uh, Death of Comedy still going on?

No, it ended.

Damn it.

What are you doing right now?

I'm going to bed.

Okay.

Alright, I just... can I...

can I ask you...

Yeah, can I... a word.

Just a word.

Um, just in the spirit of trying harder

can um... Did Violet ever say

- they were putting on Too Late? - Good night, Andy.

I just...

Okay, cool.

- This is a sweet ride. - Good night.

- Oh, okay, all right. - Bye.

Okay, okay!

Fuck it.

Good morning.

Morning.

I'm just gonna borrow a bag.

You owe me for last night.

Oh!

Oh, I basically quit my job!

But was he nice?

Oh my God, you are blushing right now, Violet!

- He is nice! - Stop!

- Yes. - Go away.

Someone got some last night!

Oh my God.

Oh um, excuse me, Mrs. Rhodes...

- You're... what are we 12? - I'm just gonna borrow

- this bag real quick. - All right, take the bag.

- Get out. - Did he have soft lips?

I'm done.

Hey, Bob?

Bob?

Hey Bob?

Bob.

It's Violet.

Ah!

I know I look terrible.

I've just never seen you this soon after eating.

Where were you?

I'm sorry, I should have called.

- I just... - Look, don't apologize,

it turns my stomach.

Bob, who'd you eat?

Some open-miker in Glassell Park.

No talent at all, but a lot of well bourbon and nicotine,

and my head's killing me.

No, there's got to be another way.

There's no other way.

Look, you have resources!

We can figure it out!

No, I'm not good with money.

Uh, after all the years of performing,

- you haven't saved up anything? - No.

Uh, how old are you?

What do you want from me?

I'm an entertainer.

You know what? Here's what I think.

Look, you're not supposed to think!

You're supposed to feed me! That's it!

I told you a million times, it's all about trust.

Look, just... just do your job.

I'm looking for comfortable shoes that won't make me look

like a biblical character.

I went shoe shopping and I told the sales person,

I was like, "I'm looking for some comfortable shoes."

This lady brought out the most hideous-looking shoes.

I was like, "Oh, hell no." I am not trying to be

one of Tracy Chapman's backup dancers.

Those are birth-control shoes.

I'll never get laid in those shoes.

Someone will ask me, "Girl, are you on the pill?"

I'll be like, "Nope,

but I got on some Birkenstocks!"

No sperm can penetrate these.

Hey, here he is.

Finally fucked his way to the top.

Oh, it's too late to turn back now.

Yeah, you just remember whose closet it all started in,

- you little skank! - Sh!

I was just calling him a skank.

- I know. - It wasn't heckling.

- I know. - I was like,

"It's only been two years."

How much wear and tear did you think

I was gonna go through in a two-year period, you know?

And I had to think you know, when I was at a party

and I saw her, did she turn to her friends, and say,

"You know what? In two years, that bitch

is gonna look like Yoda."

"In two years, she's gonna look like a Forever-21 dress

after the first washing."

Nothing but threads and rags,

that's all she's gonna be in the end.

That's my time.

Thank you.

Uh, what can I say about your next performer?

He's hilarious uh,

and I can also say as his roommate, he's very tidy.

So please give a warm Death of Comedy welcome

to Jimmy Rhodes, ladies and gents.

I like going to uh, 7-Eleven at like 2 in the morning,

cause you get to see things there

you don't get to see anywhere else.

Like I was at 7-Eleven, 2 in the morning.

Also, there was a woman who was very, very obese.

Now, I am not including

that detail to make fun of her,

I am including that detail,

because she was also wearing a t-shirt

that said on it "No fat chicks".

This lady fucking rules, man.

This is the best lady, because she is going out

at a time of night when people are most likely to be stoned

and she is blowing their minds.

- He's good, he's good. - Because she's gonna be there

- and like they're gonna look... - Yeah, he is.

...and then they'll look up, and she'll be like...

- I hate him. - "And yet here I am."

Not like you know, not like as a person, but.

- Ooh, I hate him. - Also, when she wears

that shirt, it becomes empowering.

Like it should have a comma on it.

Like no comma.

Fat chicks.

- Uh, I uh... - Hey, how are you?

I get super... I get super nervous

to have sex with like a new lady.

Not... the sex sounds good, I'm just afraid

- of like being made a fool. - What are you doing here?

- Like I'm worried... - Your show is so great

that you're turning away paying customers?

- It's free. - And I'll be like, "Yeah!"

- Do you need something? - "Look at me go."

No, I've never seen your show before,

so I thought I'd check it out.

Yeah, but this is like just kind of like my thing.

Yeah, don't worry, I'll keep a low profile.

It turns out though, it's actually super easy to tell

if a woman is faking her orgasm.

If during her orgasm a woman is sexy, she is faking it.

That is not what that looks like.

If she's like, "Oh, Jesus, baby." Get out of here.

What am I, 12, I'm gonna fall for that?

But if she's like, "Blah".

Then it's like, "Yes! Yes!

Call my therapist, I'm not coming in this week.

Alright, I'm done. Thanks a lot, guys.

Jimmy Rhodes, killing it like a pro

on his first TDOC appearance. Good act!

- Hey, great set. - Oh, Bob Devore.

- Oh, thank you. - It was great.

How come you haven't told me about Jimmy before?

We gotta get him on the show.

Um, I...

We're booked for months out...

Nah, we'll make room.

Yeah, we've got to snatch him up

before somebody else does, right?

Ah, you're in luck, folks.

You came on a good night.

We got a special guest dropping in tonight.

Give a big, warm, TDOC welcome to Mr. Bob Devore.

Yeah!

Holy shit.

Bob Devore just booked me on his show.

Holy shit.

Well, nobody can accuse you of nepotism.

I was driving home last night and I went...

Good job, man.

Hey, what the fuck are you doing?

- What? He had a good set. - You put Bob up,

you didn't even ask me, it's my show, David...

Well, what did you want me to tell him?

Message the show page?

- Hey, what's wrong? - Nothing. I'm fine.

I was like, "Yeah, I'll turn the radio up."

Ah, come on.

Anyway, it's great to be here

in this, um, tiny little place.

Haven't been on stage in a place like this

in a long time, but...

Hey, Jimmy, this is Violet.

About Bob's show, I'm so sorry.

I just was... we're...

We're just not gonna be able to fit you in.

Bob wants what he wants when he wants,

but then reality sets in

and I got to come be the bad guy.

I'm so sorry. We'll keep trying, though.

I promise. We'll get you on eventually.

Okay, I'm really sorry, Jimmy.

- Hi, need some help? - No, I'm good,

but I got your pudding cups.

- Right there. - Oh, sweet!

Yes, I got you chocolate.

- Thank you, Vi. - You're welcome.

I swear, you are doing God's work.

Wow, you're just a little ray of sunshine today.

- Got my pudding. - Yeah.

- Bob's in a good mood. - Bob's never in a good mood.

- Well, Donna's coming tonight. - Donna Rudinsky from TelVid?

Like, not her assistant?

Like the actual Vice President of Production

from the network is coming to our show tonight?

- Tonight. - I've been trying

to meet with her for years.

Please don't make him mad, Vi.

I mean, if Bob's not happy, nobody's happy.

Hey, Donna's coming tonight?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I meant to tell you.

I'll introduce you if I get a chance.

Bob?

- Hey, Vi. - Yeah, I asked Jimmy to come by

a little early so I can show him around.

There's a lot of history here.

A lot of things have gone on behind these walls, right?

Yeah, I'm gonna put Jimmy up tonight.

I'll make room between acts.

- Can I help you with those? - Oh, no, no. She's okay.

Aren't you, Vi?

Oh, yeah.

I actually love spending money I do not have

on things that I do not need, though.

I love, uh, when you go to a coffee shop

and the coffee is seven dollars.

I'm like, "Okay, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta.

Oh, a latte is seven dollars.

Okay, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta."

"Oh, hi, Donna Rudinsky.

Violet Fields.

Great to meet you."

Why not make it nine?

Why not make it nine? How about...

- Thanks for the intro, Bob. - ...I exchange my life

for this hot, darkened water

because, you know, uh, existence is a liability

and being is profitless in the first place,

am I right, millennials?

- Oh! - Hey.

Just watching the audience?

Yep.

I love seeing their faces.

Like, when you're up there,

it's like looking over the edge of a cliff

with laughs coming out of it.

...anymore. I'm not calling you.

Okay, all right, all right.

You know it's all because of you, Vi.

I'm only here because of you.

I saw your next act perform in a small little coffee shop,

but you're really gonna love him

because this kid is going places.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's Jimmy Rhodes!

I have, like, a very specific haircut,

and the first time I told the lady

who cuts my hair what I wanted,

she was like, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, you mean the young Hitler?"

And I was like, "I don't think I do.

I don't think I'm ever going to mean

the young Hitler."

As if my problem with Hitler was his age.

Like, oh, I don't want to look like

some old, busted Hitler.

No, no, no.

Like a young Hitler, yeah.

Like a hip, fresh, cool Hitler.

Back when he was still painting all the time

and he was like... just like mixed on the Jews, you know?

Uh, I like to go to 7-Eleven late at night

because it is a singular experience.

- Great show, Fredo. - Thanks.

Hope Donna liked it.

- Did you get to meet her? - Nah.

Oh, that's a drag.

Next time, right?

Next time.

- Night, Fredo. - Goodnight.

Hey, Jimmy?

Jimmy?

Jimmy?

Jimmy?

Jimmy! Jimmy!

Jimmy!

Okay.

Jimmy!

Violet?

Hey, here she is.

- Donna, this is Violet. - Oh, hi.

Violet, Donna Rudinsky.

Were you on the show?

I feel like we've met.

No, no, no, Violet is my assistant.

Oh, you and your assistants.

Oh, whatever happened to, uh, what was her name?

- Uh, Erica? - No.

Uh, Lorrie?

- Corrie? - Ah, that's it, that's it.

You remind me so much of her.

- Oh, really? - Whatever happened to Corrie?

Well, don't look at me.

In this town, people come, people go.

Well, you know, actually, Violet is a producer, too.

Oh, you produce Too Late?

No. No, no, no.

No, I produce, like, I have a show at a coffee shop.

Well, the variety format is ripe for a reboot

- and Too Late is going to slay. - Oh, right.

Wait, you're making Too Late into a TV show?

A pilot, for development.

And Bob wants me to be one of the writers.

Isn't that great?

- Look at her, she's in shock. - I'm sorry.

She's been working on the show for so many years,

she forgot what it's like

to be where the action is, you know?

Don't worry, you'll be right by my side,

assisting me every step of the way.

- Yeah. - Every step.

We're all gonna be rich.

David, you're already rich.

Yeah, but now you guys are gonna be rich too.

- It's been lonely. - To the immediate

and lasting wealth we will all get

from this one single pilot.

Hear! hear!

Yes!

What's the matter, Vi?

You're not excited to ride your...

your soon-to-be-rich-and-famous man's coattails?

Rich and famous.

Rich and famous!

You guys want another round?

- Mm-hm. - You'll help me carry?

I'm your man.

That's fun, right?

What the fuck is he doing here?

Oh, damn it.

- No. - Fuck him.

Everything okay?

You just don't seem too excited.

Excited on the inside.

Hmm, that real thing.

You're Bob's assistant.

If the show does well, you're gonna do well.

- In theory. - In practice. In science.

No, you have not worked here long enough to know that.

Money messes with people's heads, okay,

so just be careful.

Is that Chase Morrow?

- David... - I'm just, uh...

Did you see his live special?

It was hilarious.

Yeah.

Wait, why do you look like he killed your dog?

- You didn't know Melissa. - Who's Melissa?

Chase used to date Melissa, and let's just say

if Chase worried more about Melissa ODing

on his living room rug and less about how the story

would damage his brand, she might still be alive.

- David, don't... - I'm just...

It's fine, it's fine.

Okay, now David is talking to Chase. Okay.

Wait, how does David know Chase?

He used to date Melissa.

- Hey, leave us alone. - David!

- Oh! - Oh my God!

Oh my God, David!

Fuck you, dude!

Oh my God.

Wow, whoa.

That was cute.

Let's go, let's go.

Okay.

Congrats on actually being funny

for the first time in your life.

We're leaving, we're leaving.

Jesus, David.

Did you break your nose?

It's not broken, it's just blood.

Okay, well, let's go.

Yeah, let's go drink some more where we don't have to drink

with a fucking murderer!

Oh, David!

David, okay, come on, come on, come on.

Well, listen, you guys are awesome,

and I think you're ready.

Remember, folks, the key

is to have as much fun as possible.

We want to let the network folks know

that this show is great,

and we want everybody to get paid, and you all?

You all get to say you were in the audience

for the first episode ever!

Make some noise!

- Well, it worked in rehearsal. - The paper bag thing is weak.

I don't know, I thought it was sort of classic.

Well, I'm cutting it.

Okay, well, maybe the next episode.

Let's get through today first.

Right. Uh...

Okay, uh, break a leg.

Hey.

- See you on the other side. - Got it.

All right, so how do I look?

Like the famous Bob Devore.

Well, you could be happy for Jimmy at least.

You're a monster, Bob.

At least Jimmy gets it.

In fact, I think I might bring him on.

He's the head writer.

No, I had something else in mind.

I'm not going to live forever.

At least, I don't think I am.

I'd like to impart what I have to someone else.

You can do that?

You thought I was the first?

Please, Bob.

Showtime.

Violet?

Mm-hm.

Hey.

What are you doing?

I was drinking alone.

Everybody loved the show.

Donna said it went really organically.

What does that mean?

I don't know, but she kept saying it.

Come here, you.

Come here, come here, come here.

You ever get laid at work?

Okay, mm, mm, mm, mm.

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

Hey, hey, hey, okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.

What, are you trying to get me fired

after literally my first episode?

Silly me. I totally forgot you're like a big TV guy now.

Hey, what is wrong with you?

Nothing is wrong with me.

I'm certainly not some farm boy from Ohio

who's in way over his head.

- What? - You have no idea

what you're getting yourself into.

This is gross. I'm gonna go.

No, no, no! Please, please, please, don't go.

Just...

You have to quit.

Just listen to me. He's gonna get inside of you,

he's gonna twist you up,

and he's gonna turn you into him.

I don't think you know what you're saying.

- No, please! - I think you wish it was you

instead of me.

Yeah.

You're probably right.

So we should just stop.

What?

You're right.

This is fucking things up between us,

so why don't we just stop?

If you think...

I do.

That is what I think, so...

What the fuck?

Ah...

Fuck!

Come on! Fuck!

Oh, man.

Okay.

Okay.

Life's too short.

- Hey, Vi. - Sup?

Is it Halloween already?

You're gonna feel very badly about that once you find out

who I booked for the show tonight.

What?

Chase Morrow in the house, bitches!

- Oh, you booked him? - Mm-hm.

I thought he only does movies.

I do do movies, but I got to get back to my roots,

so when shy little Violet here hit me up

to work with Bob Devore,

I said, "Fuckin' when and where?"

Well, it's good to have you, Chase.

Bring it up!

It's gonna be fuckin' lit.

Yo! Uh, when the fuck am I on?

- Hey, soon. - Cool.

Don't have anybody light me, all right?

I'll do as much time as I want.

- I fuckin' hate that shit. - Okay.

- What are you doing? - Want some?

Everybody, welcome to Too Late.

After. What are you doing? I got to go on.

Fuckin' pussy.

Fuck you.

And if you want a good seat...

Let's fuckin' do this.

All right, well, we're ready for your first act, uh,

this guy is super funny, movies, he's in one right now,

Chase Morrow, everybody!

Chase Morrow!

Keep it going for that creepy old fuck, everybody.

Wow!

Where are you from, ponytail?

- Is that not a ponytail? - No.

Oh, what are you doing?

Get a ponytail, man.

If I can grow a ponytail, I'm fuckin' using a ponytail.

What are you thinking? Come on, where are you from?

- Augusta, Georgia. - Augusta, Georgia?

You guys got golf, right?

And, uh, the Civil War was bad for you, um...

I'm so good at crowd work.

Where are you from, sir?

Denver? Okay, I've heard of it.

Um, I don't have any material on that.

So that's not ideal.

Is anybody from, um, my dad?

Oh, fuck. Um...

Jesus Christ, Bob, I'm gonna fuckin' eat shit up here, man.

Like, fix the stage, dude.

Oh, fuck. Um...

Does the city know that this is happening?

'Cause they should. It's bad.

Um, it's not up to code.

Uh, you guys have been...

you guys have been here for that.

Um...

Thanks a lot. I've been Chase Morrow, guys.

Chase Morrow, everybody, the first act.

Come on, let's hear it for...

What's up, boys?

There he is.

- You! - Violet.

Right, sure, sure, yeah.

Dude, those pills are no joke, right?

I'm feelin' fuckin' loose.

Good, yeah.

I know why you booked me, by the way.

You do?

You always lookin' at me all these years.

It's cool, let's just do it.

- Oh. - Whoa.

Somebody moves fast.

Hey, Chase!

Yo, you want to meet this friend of mine?

You got to. Come on, we'll keep hanging.

Let me buy you one.

Um, why don't you guys get out of here?

Fucking go!

Not everything I say is a goddamn joke.

Hey, what's up?

Good to see you.

Actually, I was thinking why don't we re-up?

I mean, I don't know, man, I feel pretty good.

- That shit's no joke. - This?

I pour this shit on my cereal.

Fuck, all right.

I'll party.

Oh my God.

- Let's fuckin' do it, right? - Mm-hm.

Um, yeah. Okay, all right.

I've been waiting a whole hour...

This shit is not joke.

Um...

Fuck.

Come and get it!

What the fuck are you doing?

Din-din!

Who's hungry, huh?

- Is that Chase? - Yep.

Is he dead?

- No. - What were you thinking?

The dark of the moon isn't for days.

It's called "initiative," Bob, and I took it.

But he's a huge star.

People are gonna come looking for him.

He's a fucking mess, people will just think

he drank too much and fell in a river.

Hmm, hmm.

You know, you were the one that said

the other guy had no talent.

I mean, say what you will about Chase,

but he's very talented.

Uh, I could eat.

Be my guest.

I can't do it if you're watching.

By all means.

What did this guy eat?

Oh, about a dozen sedatives.

What?

He...

You...

- You said it first, Bob. - Oh, no.

Life's too short.

Mine is anyway.

Well, I don't have another half decade

to give to you, so what?

That you'll give me maybe a leg up?

Or worse, I'll end up like your little...

What was her name? Corrie?

Is that right?

Not me, Bob.

I'll...

Fine, drama.

Your boss ate Chase Morrow.

- Yes. - The movie star?

He does movies now, yes.

Because he's a monster.

- Yes. - What? Like a vampire?

I don't know. Do you believe me, Belinda?

No!

Like, maybe because it's like some metaphor.

Or like a really bad prank, then maybe I'd believe you,

but this is just another reason

why you have to quit this stupid fuck...

Oh, fuck!

- Oh my, I'm gonna throw up! - Don't be sick for me, please.

Okay, I know. It's okay.

- You made me an accessory! - I wouldn't have done it

if there was any other way.

Please, Belinda, please.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

What are we gonna do?

We're gonna get rid of it.

Ow!

- You know what you're doing? - What?

Every Tuesday, you're moving my car.

- Alternate parking. - You bet.

- I'm sleeping in. - I'll come back with a coffee.

Yeah, fuckin' latte.

Okay. You know what else?

- What? - I want to...

- What? - I want to use your deodorant.

What? You want to use my deodorant?

Yeah, I do.

You're a freak.

You know what? I just want to do it.

Okay, well, you can do it, okay?

Okay.

So it doesn't.

That's probably just the road.

No, I don't want to do this.

Yep.

Okay, okay.

- Oh my God. - What?

- Sink. - Sink, Bob, sink, please.

Sink, come on!

Maybe if I just...

- You got me? - I got you, I got you.

- Careful, careful. - I can't, I can't, I can't.

That's smart. Yeah, that's probably smart.

Okay.

Sink! Come on!

Please, just fucking sink!

Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God, it's sinking!

It's sinking!

Okay, we've done it.

Thank you.

Wait, wait, no, no, no.

No, no. No, no, no.

No, we are not there yet.

- No, nuh-uh. - Okay, I get that.

This is the last time I do this for you.

Whenever you're ready.

Hey, I haven't seen you at all and I was hoping

you were gonna come to the show tonight.

Still no sign of Bob, but, uh, we're doing it anyway.

Well, I'm doing it, actually.

Um, so, yeah, I just thought it'd be cool

to have you here, um,

because I miss you.

Um, yeah. So, there, I said it.

You officially have the upper hand.

Okay, uh, your move.

- Bye, Jimmy. - Still no sign of Bob, huh?

Uh, yeah, no.

You want to choose one of these gels?

- What? - Gels.

Bob was very particular about his blues, so...

Oh. No, I trust you.

Whatever you think is right.

No. You choose.

Choose a blue.

No, I... do you like the one you're holding?

Do you like it?

Yeah, it looks blue.

Can you please pick a gel?

How about we do the one in your hand?

- Great, thank you. - Okay, cool. Great choice.

Thank you.

♪ Nothin' ever happens by the lake ♪

♪ Nothin' ever happens by the lake ♪

Sir...

Excuse me, sir, can I help you?

Sir!

Oh, uh,

it's just that after hours,

we're supposed to sign folks in and out so, um...

You know, forget I said anything

and, uh, you have a nice night.

Just gonna walk backwards for a little while.

Have a good one.

You got this, okay.

You've seen it a thousand times.

Hi, my name is Violet.

Hi, my name... huh...

Welcome to Too Late.

Hello. Good evening.

Welcome to Too Late.

I'm, um...

Uh, Bob Devore is not...

he's not gonna be hosting tonight.

Sorry, I had a little...

It's like one of those salt cra...

I just had a little...

Pita is the word. A pita cracker.

- Um, my name is Violet. - Fuck yeah, it is!

Yeah!

Those are my friends.

Um, yeah, my name is Violet and, actually,

I'm gonna be hosting the show tonight.

I am at a point in my gender transition

where a trace amount of sexism

is also really validating for me.

I was walking through a neighborhood,

there was a guy on a stoop, he saw me walk by,

he goes, "Hey, girl, you like music?"

And I do like music.

And then I heard his buddy go,

"Hey, man, that's not a girl,"

and I'm like, "Oh no, I'm gonna get stabbed,

this is gonna be a sad story."

And then he added, "That's a woman."

Woo!

Yeah, it's pretty awesome.

The only thing I think to do

with, like, an affirming cat call

was to, like, stop, and flip my hair,

and name a product.

Right? "Hey, man, that's not a girl, that's a woman,"

and I'm like, "Feria by L'Oréal.

Maybe she's born with it

or maybe she did go to a series of doctors."

Does anybody... who likes Shakespeare?

Ah!

- Hi. - Hi.

Um, so, Bob's gone, huh?

Mm-hm.

- You wouldn't know. - Thanks.

Yes, I just wanted to...

- You go. - Okay,

I didn't want to kiss Chase.

He just grabbed my face and had his way with it.

- I kind of wanted to kill him. - Me too.

You were right about the pilot.

I shouldn't have taken the job.

Bob should've offered it to you,

and I never should've jumped ahead of you for it.

Uh, I have to tell you something.

If you... do you have any... can you just stay here?

- Okay. - Okay.

Phew.

- Bob fuckin' who? - Oh, thank you.

Just promise me you won't start doing stand-up, okay?

I don't want to have to hate you, too.

- Okay. - Hello.

Hey, speaking of incredibly talented people I despise.

What's up? What's up?

Are we fighting still?

Okay. All right, you guys are good?

Come on, just kiss and make up.

- Please. - Thank you.

Thank you, that's very helpful.

You really were great tonight.

Thanks.

So what did you want to...

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay.

Here we go.

Okay.

- Bob? - Uh-huh.

Not like a metaphorical monster?

Wait. Chase?

- Like the movie... - Shh.

- The movie star Chase? - Yeah, that's the one.

You and Belinda...

Fuck you.

Everything I've told you is the truth

and you're the only person in the world who knows it.

Mm-hm.

- Me and Belinda. - You and Belinda.

Mm-hm. I don't get it.

It's the truth.

I don't believe you.

That's the only thing I'm asking you to do.

I'll talk to you soon.

You really were great tonight.

Come back for you.

How was the show?

Did you make me proud?

I'm sorry, Bob.

You will be.

I had to do it.

Of course you did.

It was a clever trick you played.

Maybe you're funnier than I thought.

Get away from me.

You're in my home, Violet.

You know, we didn't have much,

but we did have trust, didn't we?

You don't have to do this, Bob.

- I can go away. - You and I both know

there is only one way this can end.

You know what I had to go through

to get here tonight?

Chase did not agree with me.

And, now, I'm starving.

Go ahead.

I'm just as guilty as you are, Bob.

Every single thing you asked for, I did.

Every single task,

every single chore,

every single person.

All for what?

So that I could avoid obscurity,

maybe death,

or getting a real job.

You were nothing when I found you.

You could've been so much more.

You're right, Bob.

I'm nothing.

I died the day I met you.

So go ahead.

Do what you do best.

Violet?

Violet, are you in here?

Bob?

Jimmy.

Jimmy!

Hey.

What are you do...

Oh my God.

You are a monster.

I was going to tell you.

- About this? - Well, yeah,

we're gonna be working closely together

for several months, so I think you should know.

That you eat people.

Jimmy, both you and I know

that comedians aren't really people.

Oh my God.

People come and people go.

Nobody knows why and nobody really cares.

Think of how many people have gone in

and out of your life

and you don't even remember their faces,

let alone their names.

Am I really that bad when you come to think of it?

You eat people.

Yeah, but none of them had a career.

None of them had a name.

Well, Chase, but I think we can all agree

that he had it coming.

Wait...

Where's Violet?

I need help sometimes, and she just couldn't

help me anymore, you understand?

What did you do?

I do what I will!

All right, here's what's gonna happen.

You're going to go home,

you're going to tell no one what you saw,

and when I need you, I'll call.

- You're insane. - Look, there are two kinds

of people in this world, the eaters and the eaten.

To survive, you're going to have to learn how to eat.

And I can show you if you'll let me.

Someone will stop you.

Look around you, kid.

You'll do what everyone else does.

You'll shut your mouth and you'll play the game.

No one will stop me!

Not you, not Violet.

Ah!

You can't do this!

I don't work for you anymore, Bob.

- I came back to tell you... - It doesn't matter.

The impulse to be all, like, coy and removed and meta,

but, like, I love to see you shine.

Even if that means I don't win

because I love to see you shine so, so much more

than I love to win because I love you.

Please stop talking, okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

Oh.

Okay, yeah, that's disgusting.

- I don't care. - Okay, me neither.

The rent is more than we had budgeted,

but I think we should take it

because we're not gonna do any better

and I'm excited to move in with you

because I love you, which is a thing we say now

without feeling weird.

- We sure do. - Have fun tonight.

Crazier things have happened.

Bye.

- Hey, aren't you Violet? - I am.

Used to work for Bob Devore, right?

- I did, yeah. - Oh.

Whatever happened to that guy?

People come, people go.

He was one of a kind.

God, I hope so.

- Are you still booking? - No.

So what do you do now?

So I was like, "Hey, officer, I'm not wearing pants."

Okay, you guys have been so awesome.

Are you ready for your next comedian? Yeah?

Okay, yes, please put your hands together

for the very funny Violet Fields.

Thanks, girl.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull