Original subtitles

The littlest schmoop

in the chicken coop goes...

Moop, moop, moop.

(LAUGHING)

Moop, moop, moop.

(LAUGHING)

Moop, moop, moop.

Moop, moop, moop.

The skinniest schmoop in

the chicken coop goes...

SIERRA: (LAUGHING)

Scoop, scoop, scoop.

MITCH: Scoop, scoop, scoop.

'Cause he's getting

all that food, right?

Scooping it all up.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(STUDENTS CHEERING)

NARRATOR:

This is Truman High,

a charter school

in southwestern

Los Angeles, California.

Mitch Carter is head of

Truman's English department,

and was recently named

California Teacher

of the Year.

He is now a nominee

for the national award.

Love my job. Not every

day of course. (LAUGHS)

But, uh, it's a good life.

NARRATOR: Ronald Douche

is the school's principal.

Start now? Okay.

Um, welcome.

Truman is, uh, a newer

high school, opened in 2007.

Our first senior class just

graduated this last spring.

We serve, uh,

over 1,000 students,

most of them from

right here in good old

southwestern Los Angeles.

Some kids back there.

Hey, guys.

Terrific.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

RONALD: We are fortunate

enough to have some of the

latest technology available.

Beautiful chemistry labs.

They did such a nice

job on the installation.

Two well-stocked computer labs

training on many programs.

Great start, great

foundation, great base.

We'll have a giant hammer

come up here with a claw.

Kadoosh!

RONALD: And of course,

our nationally ranked

robotics team.

Gonna shoot something out.

Oh, this is a great start.

In 1999, I was writing

for Mattel toys for their

Barbie doll website.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"Barbie for president."

I was, uh... I was supposed

to be writing Barbie's

election platform.

Um, you know,

more swimming pools.

No brown shoes

with black pants.

Six months later,

I was a teacher.

RONALD: This is

a tough part of town.

The kids know it's

not gonna be easy.

We're giving them hope.

Throwing them a rope.

The kids are

appreciative of that.

You know, of what

we do here for them.

For the community.

It's, uh... Wow, I'm getting

a little filled up here.

But, uh,

I take a lot

of pride in that.

Douche!

You know what?

It's pronounced

"Dow-shay," not Douche!

Dow-shay.

It is the same spelling

but the Dutch pronunciation!

That is it, young man.

That is it. I see you.

That is detention.

Detention for

the entire year.

Put the cameras away.

Put them away. Put them away.

Turn off those...

Okay, you know what?

As soon as I'm done here,

that is it for you.

Confiscated. Both of you.

Phones are going

to be gone.

It's pronounced "Dow-shay."

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

MITCH: Okay,

let's get settled in!

This is not a bad

dream. It is Monday.

You are back in class.

I want you to take out your

journals and take a look

at the topic on the board.

I want you guys

to write about

something that you like.

But you hide it

from your friends

because you are afraid

of what they will think.

(STUDENTS GROANING)

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I'll go first. Um...

When I was in high school,

I really loved the ballet.

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

My mother used to take

me to see The Nutcracker

every Christmas.

But I was afraid that

my friends would

make fun of me,

so I told them that she was

taking me to a Laker game.

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

All right, you guys are

up now, you got 15 minutes.

MITCH: I like to start class

with a writing exercise.

It gets their brains

in the right place.

Especially on a Monday.

Okay, let's share

our responses.

(STUDENTS GROANING)

Oh, come on, I told

you about the ballet.

It's all downhill

from there.

Zola.

Sometimes when I'm

depressed, the only thing

that makes me feel better

is listening to Dora the

Explorer song on my iPod.

(ALL LAUGHING)

MITCH: Marcus.

Uh, um, one time when I was

visiting my grandparents,

I woke up in the

middle of the night

to take some Advil,

but it was my

grandpa's Viagra.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You were supposed

to write about something

that you liked!

Did you like that?

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

Are you going to be talking

to the other teachers, too?

INTERVIEWER: Um...

I just...

I think it's important.

And this is why.

I mean, yeah, I'm, uh,

"Teacher of the Year."

That's... And which is

great, and I love it.

I love that you guys are

here doing this movie.

I think it's important.

I hope we can show something

about public schools

and what's happening here.

But, uh, the award itself,

is really the byproduct

of all of our work together

here at this school.

Yes, I won it,

but, um, you know...

(SIGHS)

I don't do this by myself,

I guess is all I'm saying.

INTERVIEWER: Right.

These kids don't get

better just because

I show up and do my thing.

LOWELL: I'm not laughing.

I'm being serious here.

You come on.

We are the Hammers. Uh,

though we're not married.

No, we are not.

My name is Clive Hammer.

I am Lowell Hammer.

And we are

guidance counselors.

Well, we're

college counselors.

But we guide

you to college.

So we're kind of like...

Religious leaders.

Shamans.

Shaymans.

It's actually shaman.

I think it's shayman.

Well, shayman suggests

that we shame them.

Which we're

not afraid to do.

Which we will

use shame.

So...

We will answer

questions.

We've got experience.

We speak from the hip.

We throw it from

the kneecap.

We toss it.

Which is even

lower than the hip.

Yeah, well, some guys,

some guys will

talk from the hip.

We take it from the kneecap.

We like to throw it

from below the hip.

We just toss it out to you.

Which is even a

straighter shot.

Yeah, it's a straight shot,

straight into your mouth.

LOWELL: Think

about it like this.

If college were hell...

And it is, guys.

For a while, it's hell.

Best time of your life,

best years of your life,

but it's hell.

But it's hellish.

It's like a burning

inferno of hell and hatred.

It's terrible.

Think of us as like

a two-headed dog.

Mmm-hmm.

And we're sitting on that

River Styx in a boat...

Right, and we gotta

take you across.

You can't swim to

the River Styx.

No, you can't.

You can't do that.

I'd like to

see you try it.

I wish you could try.

I dare you.

You're going to

burn your legs off.

But you get with us...

You're in the boat.

We take you across.

We guide you to

where you need to go.

We get you to hell.

Yeah.

I think the secret is,

we know everything,

assume that they

know nothing.

Kids are stupid.

You have to start

from that point and then

work your way backwards.

Or forward.

Forward.

Or laterally.

Yeah.

You asked when the

applications are

due for UCLA.

Those were

due yesterday.

Yesterday.

Yesterday.

So, that is, uh...

Ouch.

A no-can...

That's a no-fly zone.

That's not good.

Yeah, so, uh, forget about

that one. USC tomorrow.

Exactly, so, six essays,

you knock 'em out tonight.

You're good to go.

5-Hour Energy.

Pop one of those

in your mouth, boom,

boom, boom. You're gold.

Get a get a couple

of Coke Zeros and...

(SNICKERS) None

of those calories.

But you are still

learning and you

are still staying awake.

Can she...

Can she do that?

You just hop out

of here right now

and just start on

that process?

She can't?

She can't.

Okay.

Look, you

cram it tonight.

Tonight. You'll

get in there tonight.

(BUZZING)

The problem

is that teaching

is tougher today.

Because they put

hormones in the milk,

so the girls

start to menstruate

at a younger age.

It's awful.

How do you

know that?

WENDY: Morning, guys.

Hey, morning, Wendy.

Morning, Wendy.

BRIAN: That's a lot of wrong

answers there, Eric.

Mmm-hmm.

STEVEN: Hey, check it out,

Wendy's not wearing

any underpants today.

BRIAN: Jesus, do your

kids know anything?

That grading machine

sounds like gunfire.

I am aware of

the results, Brian.

You guys are worried

about tests? She's going

commando. You kidding me?

Did you see

these scores?

Dude, I know you're

married, but just look for

my sake, would you please?

The average is 14.

I can't even talk to you.

Do you have a penis?

Hey, Wendy. I brought

that vanilla creamer

that we both enjoy.

(INAUDIBLE)

Bam!

Belly button showing!

Bam!

Cell phone and belly

button showing, that's two.

Enjoy your

Saturday, with me.

Uh, hey there, Marv Collins,

assistant principal and dean

of students at Truman High.

INTERVIEWER: Actually,

Mr. Collins, you can

just look at me.

So uh, you help Principal

Douche run the school.

Principal Douche

does not need my help

running this school.

I think you can tell

he's doing a pretty

good job all by himself.

You're not hiding the

cell phones from me.

You know you're

getting detention.

And you still have

the cell phones out.

No, yeah, I'm

just the garbage man,

you know.

I take out the trash.

Someone sees a future

ahead of them, but you

still have yours out.

Put the cell phones away!

Put the cell phones away!

As you probably saw,

we had a little kerfuffle

this morning

between a couple

of our young men.

Uh, not

their first go-round.

(LAUGHING)

But let me tell you,

it better be their last.

Because one

more infraction, and

they're out of here.

(RAPPING)

♪ Uh, uh, uh, yeah, uh

♪ Martin Luther King

was very cool

♪ And every year

on his birthday

there ain't no school

(BEATBOXING)

♪ Yeah ♪

MITCH: You get in a fight

this morning, you're back

in class this afternoon.

How's that work?

I don't know.

Wanna tell me

what it was about?

Nothing.

Boy, I hope that's not

true, I mean if you're

gonna hit somebody,

you better

have a reason.

I got a reason.

Yeah, yeah, I'm

sure it's excellent.

Aren't we gonna

be late?

Yeah, hurry up.

INTERVIEWER: Late for what?

Uh, soccer practice.

This is the first year

Truman's fielded

a varsity soccer team.

Although I'm not sure

you can call this soccer.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

I'd like to see

us win a game.

Or maybe just score

a goal. That'd be nice.

Most days I'd settle for

a practice field with grass.

(SIGHS)

Okay, shake it off, Derek.

Hey, you're California

Teacher of the Year. These

guys know who you are.

What? You're telling

me that you didn't

recommend me?

(LAUGHING)

Absolutely I did,

but they'd already seen

the article in The Times,

picture of your family.

They asked me

about you.

(LAUGHING)

The National Independent

School Association sent

you to come get me.

This is what I'm

telling you, yeah.

To lobby for them.

What the hell do

I know about lobbying?

(LAUGHS) Well, it's not

like you'll be the

only one. It's a team.

And they want to

make an addition.

A veteran teacher who's

had success in both public

and private classrooms.

To do what?

To go on TV, uh,

make speeches, appear

at schools, symposiums.

They want you to

be the new face

of independent schools.

(LAUGHING)

And 120,000 to start.

Are you... Are you serious?

To start.

Plus an expense account,

moving expenses,

unbelievable health benefits.

Uh, moving expenses.

To where?

Well, uh, we're in D.C.

about two weeks each month.

Some people decide

to just move out

there, some don't.

Ah, D.C., I don't

know if I can do that.

Like I said, some

don't. I didn't.

And you don't have

to decide right away.

So this is a job offer?

It's not a job interview?

(LAUGHS) Well, you're gonna

have to meet with the NISA

director, Ellen Behr,

but, honestly, the way

she talks about you,

I think she just

wants your autograph.

(LAUGHING)

INTERVIEWER: Are you

interested in that job?

(SIGHS) I don't know.

I mean, a lot of

changes to consider.

Um, the travel, for one.

INTERVIEWER: How much

does Truman pay you?

If you don't

mind me asking.

A little under 70.

(LAUGHING)

Is that

why you're smiling?

Not just that, it's

just, you know, I'm...

When you teach, you kind

of forget what it's like to

have a real job, and um,

I guess I thought maybe

I'd never have another one.

You don't consider teaching

to be a real job?

Well, you just spent

the day with me. Do you?

(LAUGHING)

Oh, I'm so hungry!

(SIERRA LAUGHING)

I'm so hungry,

I want some belly,

I want some belly!

Mmm!

(GIGGLING)

(LAUGHING)

Oh, the belly

so good! So good!

(GIGGLING)

I couldn't possibly

eat any more belly!

I'm so full.

Oh, wait! Yes, I can!

(GIGGLING)

INTERVIEWER:

So, uh, what's this?

Uh, the National

Independent School

Association website.

Who they are,

what they do.

How's it look?

Oh, you know.

Um, tax exemptions,

uh, school vouchers, looking

out for the interests of rich

kids and their rich parents.

It's basically everything

I've ever fought against

for my whole career.

Nobody proofreads!

This guy says his paper

is about Mark Train.

(LAUGHING)

Unbelievable.

They're not

all like that.

Hmm.

Look, Daddy, I drew

a princess and she's

saying, "I love you."

Aw, that's

beautiful, angel.

You spell better than

Daddy's students.

Stop it.

Mmm-hmm.

Listen to this.

"The boy said, 'I was

hungry, hungry, hungry.'

This shows he was hungry."

Teacher of

the Year, huh?

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

You know,

I'm real happy

that you guys

are giving Mitch Carter

all this attention

and you're

here to see him,

but it's Ron Douche

who's the motor

behind this house.

He's the kid in the hamster

wheel, so to speak.

This guy's gonna

be superintendent

of LA Unified.

(LAUGHING) I'm hitching

my wagon to that star.

Best believe that.

I mean, he says put

this campus on lockdown,

it's locked down.

Miss Curtis, Nia

cannot come to school

dressed like this.

Why not? She

looks good.

Nia, you can't... (SCOFFS)

Look at your skirt.

Leave something

to the imagination.

Why should I make

them imagine it when

I can just show it to them?

You know, but,

I've had enough

of this, all right?

She is beautiful.

I am beautiful.

I was a JV cheerleader

when I had her. All right?

That out of here.

Uh, uh... Uh, yes.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Okay, let's get started.

I have your Huck Finn

papers for you,

and, uh, I see that

a lot of you are still

making the same mistakes

because you

refuse to proofread.

Uh, look, if it's

a problem with spelling

or vocabulary,

I can help you with that,

but when the name of the

book is Huckleberry Finn

and you spell

Huckleberry wrong...

(ALL LAUGHING)

I can't do anything for

you there. Or you spell

your own name wrong?

(LAUGHING)

Come on, Mr. Carter,

nobody did that.

Oh, no, yeah, somebody

did, Marcus, or should

I call you "Macrus."

(ALL LAUGHING)

Ladies and gentlemen,

in the eyes of the law,

you are still children

but here, in this

classroom, you are adults.

So as much as I may

disagree with you,

I have to respect

your decision not

to get smarter.

This is America, where

the Constitution protects

your right to stay dumb.

"Brendan had a bellyache

and had to get more sleep.

"Please execute him."

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

I wish I could, Novak.

Wait, so you guys are

here because Mitch Carter

won Teacher of the Year?

Wow, I, I didn't even know

a decision had been made.

I guess I was busy

then. And that's

for the whole city?

INTERVIEWER: Whole state.

Whole state. Okay, that's...

He's a good guy.

Really nice cat.

Can I speak frankly for a

second, because I'm sorry,

but he teaches English.

Okay, that's a dead language.

The kids already speak it

when they come to school.

I'm dealing with

the future. It's robotics.

I mean, (LAUGHS) in my class

on Monday, it's Wednesday.

All right, let's

assimilate.

All right, now you guys

have won the last four

city championships

and today we're going

to make it number five.

But more importantly,

when the robots take over,

and that day's coming

sooner than people think,

you guys are

going to be ready.

And you're going

to be waiting for them,

just like me. Okay?

Let's fuse.

(ALL HUMMING)

STEVEN: Four years in a row

we've lost the National

Robot Championships,

otherwise referred to as

the Super-Robot Bowl.

Today's the cities,

city robots, we

always rule that.

And state robots,

we fly through.

We've had problems with

the national robots.

Not this year.

Not this year.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

RONALD: I guess, I mean,

I'm just a little disappointed

in your behavior.

I mean, aren't you?

Yes, Mr. Douche.

And if I suspend

you, you're just

going to feel like

you're getting an extra

week of spring break.

So instead, you're

gonna have a week

of in-house suspension.

Are you...

Uh-uh-uh...

Now, Mr. Carter believes

that soccer's been

a good outlet for you.

Yeah. Yes.

He also feels that, uh,

you should be allowed to

continue playing and I agree.

Thank you, Mr. Douche,

thank you.

But he has also

promised me

he'd have you

run sprints for

an extra 20 minutes

after practice

every day next week.

Are you...

Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Now take a pretzel.

Not in here.

Alex, crumbs.

Jeez.

(SIGHS)

There's not a lot of

time during the day

to teach a young man or

woman a lesson like that.

So, hopefully I got

through to him, made

a difference in his life.

That guy's a dick.

Seriously, like,

these are not lockers.

This is for mail,

and news, and bug spray...

I'm just...

What's up, Ian?

Oh, hey, Steven,

just got The Titan

hot off the presses.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

Yeah, you guys are

doing some great

work down there.

Yeah, you gotta check out

the piece we did on the

water fountain in the gym.

Yeah, we tested

it for bacteria.

Covered in

microorganisms.

That's fantastic. How

long have you been

teaching here?

Uh, this is my

first year.

My first full year.

Almost a full year.

Started as a sub

last year, yeah.

This is great.

I'm really making

the paper my thing.

I'm really proud of what

the students are doing.

Yeah. Super.

And I'd like to think...

That article about

Kathy Bannen's puppy?

Yeah, yeah, that's

gonna be great.

It'll teach a lot of

kids responsibility

about taking care

of puppies and stuff,

and that's, uh,

something the kids

need to learn about

before they go

on to college.

Fantastic stuff.

Good job, Ian.

Thanks, um...

(SIGHS)

STEVEN: What's

happening, kids?

MAN: Hey, man.

ROBIN: Looking at our

conference schedules. Who

do you have this year?

I don't know,

what's it matter?

"Why is my kid an idiot?"

"'Cause you're an idiot."

In and out.

(LAUGHING)

You're serious?

(LAUGHING) Am I the

only one who does that?

That's genius.

STEVEN: What, do you

actually take time?

That's just wrong,

not genius.

MAN: That's a good idea.

That's a brilliant

idea, is what that is.

It's actually a

pretty good idea.

Yeah, Teacher of

the Year, right there.

There you go.

Where's my vest? Oh!

Where's my vest?

(LAUGHING)

I'm the vest guy.

(LAUGHING)

It's fun to joke

around in the lounge.

But I love this job.

I love the kids,

I love math.

Um, most days I cannot

wait to get to work.

The magic math hat

goes to Lamont.

(ALL CHEERING)

Yay, yes, thank you,

thank you,

please, please.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Thank

you, Lamont, thank you so much

for being so smart.

But I have to ask,

what is the mnemonic

device, sohcahtoa?

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

BRIAN: I'm fired up

about teaching.

I do it with passion.

I don't apologize for it.

And I expect my

students to match my

passion with their own.

I think they

appreciate the effort.

At the very least

they're entertained.

(HIGH-PITCHED) Emmie?

Cosine.

Cosine, cosine!

(LAUGHING)

Are you rolling now?

INTERVIEWER: Yeah.

That is so cool.

I mean...

It's like...

It's like we're...

It's like Spinal Tap

or something.

It's like we're just

teaching and you

guys are filming.

It's a little creepy, but...

(IMITATING ENGLISH ACCENT)

I take my teaching, and I

turn it up to 11. To 11.

I was never really good

at accents, but...

Eleven... No?

You don't know

Spinal Tap? Wow.

I say turn down the job.

WOMAN: Are you nuts?

BRIAN: Teaching's his calling.

Take the money.

Teaching's obviously

not about cash, it

elevates the spirit.

Oh, my God, do not listen

to him, Mitch, this is just

Berkeley jibber-jabber.

Why are you

so mean to me?

(LAUGHING)

Because I can be,

and I'm older

than you, all right?

Look, 10 years from now

you'll be making almost

the same as you do now.

And you'll be

killing yourself for

not taking this job.

Why is this the only

way for me to make

this kind of money?

I love teaching, you know,

apparently other people think

I'm pretty good at it, too.

Why can't I make

100 grand doing this?

Because you can't.

Take the money.

If I'm coming on strong,

that's not my intention.

I just feel really confident

that advertising with us is

gonna help your business.

I'm the sales director

at a local

mixed media company.

They let me work from

home three days a week,

which is really helpful.

If we are right

for you, then we are

perfect for you.

You know, we just

want to meet your needs.

That's all. If you're

not happy, if it's not

working for you,

(LAUGHING) then I'm

not doing my job.

Yeah, I'm not interested

in just making this sale

and leaving you hanging.

No, I'm gonna use

my customized software

to monitor your account

and make sure that your ad

is generating sales.

Yeah. Oh, gosh,

it's unbelievable.

It tells us who's noticing

your ad, where they're

shopping, what they're buying.

I can do that.

Yes, I can do that.

I can do that, too,

that sounds very fair.

It is a lot to promise but

I hope that shows you how

much I want your business.

Okay.

All right, I'll send

the contracts over first

thing in the morning.

Okay. Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Yay.

Mitch, I admire your

success in both the public

and private sectors.

And I think your career

highlights the best qualities

of independent schools.

Well, come on,

you can't really compare

Harry Truman Charter

to Episcopal Academy.

Charter schools

walk the line.

They're public schools that

take advantage of many

of private schools' benefits.

Private and charter

are practically

the same thing.

That's a very difficult

argument to make, Miss Behr.

I couldn't agree

with you more.

How would you make it?

Well, um, let's see.

They both have entry

requirements greater

than residency.

Uh, they both ask for a

personal commitment of

time or money or both

from the student,

and frequently from the

student's family.

As a society, we choose

to spend tax dollars

on enrollment and fees

at charter schools

like Truman High.

There is no reason why

a few of those tax dollars

couldn't go to private

school tuitions as well.

Even if it's

not as much.

A fraction.

So, you can make

that argument.

Yes, ma'am. (LAUGHS)

Yeah, would appear so.

INTERVIEWER: So,

does that mean you

want the job now?

No, no, it just means

I know I can do it. I...

What the hell?

Brian, what's

going on, man?

I got a problem.

What, what's happening?

Ron suspended me today.

What? Why?

Faith Gregory accused

me of attacking her

in tutorial today,

and you know

I did not do that.

No, no, of course,

I know, I know, I know.

Guys, please, just

give me a second,

all right, please?

Just back off, please.

She's an angry child,

there has to be something

going on at home,

and it's important...

All right, have you

heard from her

parents at all?

No.

Have you talked, spoken

to her mother or father?

No, the mother,

I know has been

in contact with Ron

but... And the

worst part about it...

MITCH: Oh, this is bad,

this is so bad.

Brian's in a tough spot.

INTERVIEWER: Why'd

he come to you?

MITCH: I'm the union rep

at our school, so he's

supposed to come to me.

Plus, we're friends.

Good friends.

We'll talk

tomorrow, all right?

Who is this girl?

This is unbelievable.

Her name is Faith

Gregory, and, uh, he

failed her last semester.

He was trying to help her.

I mean, that's why she was

in his room to begin with.

Well, can't Ron at least wait

until he hears the story

from everybody else first?

No, he can't afford

to, Kate. I mean,

what if Brian did it?

You think he did it?

No, of course not,

but, you know,

Ron's just got to

cover his ass.

Mitch, language, please.

Oh, sorry, hey, sweetie, can

you go to your room and

play for a little bit, please?

Okay, Daddy.

Thank you.

I'll be in to read you

a book in a little bit.

Okay.

Okay.

(FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS)

Can I say "ass" now?

Oh, my gosh,

Jackie is pregnant.

How is she

handling this?

I don't know, he's

gonna give me a call

after he told her.

He hasn't

told her yet?

Well, it's not like I'd

be rushing home to share

the news with you either.

Huh.

Oh, my gosh,

that is beautiful.

(WHISTLING)

Man.

Oh, it's got a pool.

A pool, we

can go swim!

3,200 square feet, four

bedrooms, four baths,

and it is $414,000.

No.

That could get

us a garage here...

(LAUGHING)

That's quite...

...in Los Angeles.

That's unbelievable.

A big difference

from what we pay here.

I don't know, it sounds

like the interview went well,

but, also, like, there's

gonna be way more

travel than we expected.

And, uh, even if we do move

to Washington, D.C.,

he's gonna be gone a lot.

He and Sierra have never

even been apart for one day,

so I'm not exactly sure

how she's gonna take that,

but I don't even think

we really have a choice.

You know, my job

sucks, and, uh,

I can barely handle that

with one baby, much less two.

I mean, when are we gonna

get another opportunity

like this, you know?

Is it a boy?

Don't start that.

Oh, come on,

I'm just asking.

Does it feel boyish?

(LAUGHING) I'm at

six weeks, it doesn't

feel like anything yet.

Um, okay, guys, let's

just wrap for the night.

Okay, thank you.

♪ They say she's into heaven

It's only water into wine

♪ Oh, say I like to meet her

♪ Well, get in line

♪ She sees a month of sunsets

♪ As how much time

there is to waste

♪ Oh, waste it in

a heartbeat, oh ♪

Morning, guys, let's

have a great day

of instruction, huh?

How you doing? Pull up

those pants, young man,

I can see your underwear.

(LAUGHING)

That's ridiculous.

Why do you even have

a belt? Hey, high five,

up top. Nope?

We'll do that later.

We will do that

later, young man.

All right.

BOY: Go back to your

office, Douche!

Who said that?

You there, I see you.

Yeah, Mitch found out

that Truman was looking

for new department chairs,

and we applied

at the same time.

INTERVIEWER: Why leave

a private school like

Episcopal to come here?

I think Mitch was looking

for the challenge of starting

a school from day one.

Me, I just came 'cause

the pay was better.

Any regrets?

The kids at Episcopal

were more gifted.

I miss that.

I mean, you saw

my class today.

Okay, yesterday, we talked

about motors and motion.

Can anyone name

something that

has a motor?

BOY: Motorboat?

Yes, a motorboat

does have a motor.

Anybody else?

Fandra?

A vibrator?

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, that's great.

Look, my best

students are fantastic.

They'll go on to

UCLA, Stanford,

and they'll be great.

But some of these

other kids, I, uh...

I am just at a loss to

explain their behavior.

We're gonna watch

a short film.

Is this a physics movie,

or a good movie?

(STUDENTS GRUMBLING)

Yes, Lamont, today we're

going to watch Scarface.

(CHEERING)

It can be

tough sometimes.

Very tough.

I'm not saying you're

an idiot. I'm saying what

you're saying is idiotic.

WOMAN: Well,

I don't see what's...

If somebody believes that

they're born in

the light of Uranus

and they think it means...

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh, come on.

That is way too easy.

You know what? I get that joke

too much. Don't even go there.

Okay, I get that too much,

look, don't even go there.

How does that hurt

anyone's feelings?

INTERVIEWER: Have you seen

Ursula Featherstone's class?

It's unusual.

Okay, our quarterly

test is tomorrow,

and I think the best way for

us to review our two books,

The Miracle Worker, about

Helen Keller, and The Diary of

Anne Frank, is through song.

So here we go.

(MOANING)

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

(SHUSHING)

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

(MOUTHING)

(MOANING)

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

♪ Wa-wa

♪ Wa-wa ♪

INTERVIEWER: And

you're her supervisor?

Yeah.

Yeah, um, so yeah,

I've sat through her

class many times

and, I gotta tell you,

even though it is unusual,

her kids retain a lot

of what she teaches them.

And her tests scores, they

always show improvement.

This is what I'm trying

to tell you, you know,

each teacher reaches

the kids in their own way.

Um, there's no one

way to do this job.

You're always looking for

the new, better, shinier way

to deliver basically

the same old message.

You know, the thing is,

if the message is solid,

it's always worth learning.

Okay, guys,

how are you?

How's everybody doing?

We are the Hammer brothers.

My name is Clive Hammer.

I am Lowell Hammer.

We like to bring

the hammer.

Stop.

Hammer time.

Which is what we said.

That's how long

we've been doing it.

We've been doing

it for years, guys.

So, you probably don't

remember MC Hammer,

but we've been doing

it back since his day.

Yeah, when

he had a day.

And, uh...

Think of us as liaisons

between you and college,

and some of you

might not know

what liaison means.

But we are college

counselors.

Think of us as the

people who define the

word "liaison" for you.

I asked for help with

my financial aid application,

and they told me to mark

my ethnicity as caramel.

Caramel.

Why wouldn't

we do our job?

Who doesn't

like caramel?

Everyone loves caramel.

You see caramel on an

application, you're like,

"I want a piece of that."

You hear that word...

I want a piece of that...

...you start to salivate.

Right? Pavlovian,

you salivate, kid's in.

They said that if I want

to go to Stanford,

I have to wear more hats.

They said Stanford

likes "hat people."

Palo Alto's a hat town.

Stanford is like

a huge hat school.

Yeah.

I mean, you're

not wearing a hat,

you're not fitting in.

And if you

don't know that,

then you're not

doing your job as

a college counselor.

They said colleges

would like me better

if I lost 60 pounds.

So, I'm bulimic now.

But it's for my education,

so it's okay.

That was unfortunate.

That was not our plan.

That was not a great...

I mean, she just kept...

But if you look at her

now, look at her now,

she looks pretty good.

If she just keeps it...

If she doesn't

go any further...

She's good.

You don't need

any of these

states right here.

Yeah, forget these

states, these are just

full of fat, mad people.

That's right.

You see these states?

Fat, angry people.

As you can see

right in here,

this is the Big Ten.

Lot of football.

Lot of drinking.

Lot of keg stands.

This is where

you want to be.

So, I mean, that is

college right there.

Yeah, if you think

about college,

think about a guy

passed out in a bush...

Urinating on himself.

All over his own pants.

Like a homeless

person would.

That's University of

Illinois right there.

That is literally...

In a nutshell.

On the crest,

that is what it is.

Mmm-hmm.

And then also,

we're out here, guys.

We're in California.

You can stay

here at home.

If you don't want to go

all the way out over

here, stay here at home.

Why?

Three words.

BOTH: Weed is legal.

Nailed it.

Yeah.

I don't know

how we do it.

It's magic.

There are times

when I wake up

and I wish I knew.

And then there

are times when

I wish I didn't know.

And right now is

one of those times.

Where I wish

I didn't know

that I do know.

And you

still don't know.

I know what you

guys are thinking.

I'll take it from here.

I know what you

guys are thinking.

"I gotta get to

New York City."

Right, bicoastal.

"Get me to the Big Apple."

Hightail it up there! No.

No.

That is a bad idea.

You are gonna get cut.

Horrible.

Each and every one of you.

You're gonna get cut a lot.

We got cut. Went

to New York City.

Yeah, we did.

We got cut twice.

Same guy.

And that, more than

anything, tells you,

don't go see a matinee of

Spider-Man the Musical

on a Wednesday.

Not during the middle

of the week, you don't.

Why you gonna

go up here?

Hightail it down here.

Amish country.

Pennsylvania, Franklin

and Marshall University,

great school,

go out there, you

roll an Amish guy.

That should be on all

of your bucket lists.

It's fun, right? Get a couple

cocktails in you, get out

there with some friends.

LOWELL: They're not

gonna fight back.

Maybe they'll

throw a butter churn at you.

CLIVE: Maybe.

Second place,

city finals.

(LAUGHS)

I mean, forget

nationals, we don't

even qualify for states.

Should've seen the

first place trophy, too.

It was a silver cup.

Just like, I could've

drank my coffee out

of it in the morning,

but now it's just me

and the little guy, so...

(SIGHS)

There will be no

Super-Robot Bowl 5,

that's for sure.

The Scarlet Letter

gives Hester the power

to see the sin in others.

So she knows that nearly

everyone in the Boston area

believes that

they're sinners.

But when they learn

of Hester's public

sin of adultery,

they jump at the

chance to punish her

because they want

to prove their purity

to everyone else.

Now, Hawthorne

tells us that everyone sins.

Going back to Adam

and Eve failing God in

the Garden of Eden.

And we feel so guilty.

"Oh, no, God is

disappointed in me."

We feel bad and it sucks.

If we would just let

each other's mistakes go,

we'd be so much

happier, but we don't.

No, we're constantly

trying to make each

other feel bad,

hoping that it will

make us feel better.

And that is where

evil comes from.

Not from the devil,

not from hell.

Evil is simply

a byproduct of human

fear and weakness.

MITCH: All right,

how 'bout Claudius?

He dies like a bitch.

(LAUGHING) All right.

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

Yeah, that's a start.

Do you have

a citation from the

play to back that up?

Yeah, I wrote

it down here.

"O, yet defend me,

friends, I am but hurt."

It's good. Good,

you got one for Ophelia?

I use Act IV, where

she goes crazy, just

before she kills herself.

Wrote it here.

"Young men will do't, if

they come to't, by cock,

they are to blame."

Um, why'd you

choose that quote?

I don't know.

She said "cock"?

Yeah, you went deep

there, didn't you?

(LAUGHS) Kind of

sounds like rap.

(RHYTHMICALLY) Young men will

do it, if they come to it,

by cock, they are to blame.

It's better than that

crap you pulled in

my class on Monday.

Aw, Coach, why you

gotta play me like that?

Did you have any lunch?

Nah, I didn't

have any lunch.

Take half my sandwich.

Thanks.

Next up.

RONALD: Thanks for

coming, Mitch.

Uh, well, yeah, no, we

gotta get right on this.

Well, um, I'm

all over it. I spoke

to the mother.

We're gonna meet

with them and Mr. Campbell

tomorrow afternoon.

Good. Good. Okay,

I'm glad we're dealing

with it right away.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, God, hopefully

we can keep this

out of the papers.

Oh, God, if the media

gets ahold of it, then

Brian's career is over.

Yeah. You're

kidding, right?

What?

Mitch, Brian's finished.

At this point I'm just trying

to protect the school.

But he didn't

do anything.

Well, he must've

done something.

Why? Because a girl

who's failing his class

says so?

Look, Mitch,

I'm not insensitive

to Brian's situation.

It's just that the

school cannot afford...

He's got a family, Ron!

Have you ever heard

of one of these problems

resolving itself peacefully?

The teacher always

takes the fall.

Right, because

bureaucrats like you are

pushing him off the cliff.

I spoke to the girl.

I spoke to her mother.

Did you speak to Brian?

I mean, five years he

has bled for this place.

Don't be so

melodramatic.

Did you talk to Brian,

or did you just fire him

and send him on his way?

I don't have

time for this.

I'd like an answer

to my question.

Mitch, be here

tomorrow at 5:00 p.m.

This meeting is over.

Thing about Ron is,

he has his own

managerial style.

There's worse. There's

worse principals than Ron.

No, okay, guys,

what are you doing?

We shouldn't be talking

about our boss on camera.

ERIC: He's an idiot.

WOMAN: Okay.

I could've... That's...

Ron Douche couldn't

lead three people

out of an elevator

with a map

and a flashlight.

Eric.

Come on, that's

a little harsh.

Whatever.

I don't care.

I got tenure.

(LAUGHING)

It's not that I don't

like Ron Douche.

I don't like the way

he does his job.

I don't think he's

here for the kids.

Are you here for the kids?

Or are you here for

your next promotion?

I don't really know

her very well, I just...

Just by reputation.

What I do know is that

Brian has such a good heart.

I just don't

believe it's true.

Yeah, Brian's in

serious trouble.

But he knows better.

You never let

yourself be alone in

a room with a student,

girl or boy, or even two.

They work in

teams sometimes.

And they see me,

I'm down in the gym,

I'm on the treadmill,

shorts, tank top,

a lot of times I get

sweaty at lunch.

You don't know what these

kids are gonna think.

And at that age,

they can't resist.

So, I need to be the one

who steps up and says,

"Not today,

mister, or missus.

"Or both of you."

Yeah, yeah, we know

the Campbells very well.

The guys met in college,

and then

Jackie and I are really close.

I mean, she's

one of my best friends.

I don't know, I'm just...

I'm dying inside for this

woman, but I swear to God,

I have no idea

what to say to her.

What's going on at that

school, what's been

going on at that school,

is disgusting.

And people need

to hear about it.

We've just been

bystanders this entire time

and I had no idea

how that would

end up hurting our family.

And people need to know.

If it wouldn't have

been us, it would've

been somebody else.

I don't understand how

someone so young

could be so full of hate.

So full of

just vile and viscous anger

to lash out like this.

And I hate to say it,

but the person that I look to

is the mother.

And I don't understand how

she could've let this happen.

And you know,

I'm about to become

a mother and I...

Uh, I hate to be

so judgmental,

but if in 18 years I've

become like that woman,

I don't know how I

could live with myself.

This is the crib from

Kate and Mitch, you know.

They gave it to us right

after we told them that

we were having Jackson.

Yes.

And then now, of course,

they need it,

but they're letting us keep

it 'cause they're...

They're just

wonderful, and...

Yeah.

And they've been there

for us, through this, too.

They were the first

ones that we told, and...

I met with a

lawyer, which is

bizarre, and I never expected

to actually be in

the situation of having

to defend myself.

And I waited

for a phone call

from, uh, my principal,

Mr. Douche.

And, uh, that didn't come.

So I'm expecting to

have to defend myself,

tomorrow, and uh...

(SIGHS)

And hopefully be able

to take care of my family.

MITCH: To say that

parent-teacher conferences

tend to cause some anxiety

amongst the faculty

would be a gross

understatement.

We've got a diverse bunch

of personalities

and we all deal with the night

in our own way.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Personally, I can't say

I dislike them because

sometimes they're great.

We know he's not

studying enough.

We took away

his computers,

telephone, his TV.

That's good,

that's all good.

MITCH: It's an important part

of our job,

and when a

conference goes well,

it can really make

a difference.

Well, let's talk about

some strategies you

can employ, okay?

If you would just

turn the television

off for five minutes

and let him do

his homework...

Oh, how's the view from

the grandstand, Phil?

I'm the one raising him

while you're out vacationing

with your whore.

MITCH: In reality, though,

it's usually a long night.

And normally, I like the

kids to believe that there

are no stupid questions,

but sometimes I think

Marcus asks questions

just to disrupt my class.

Really?

Can you give

me an example?

Well, last week,

in the middle of a quiz,

he raised his hand to ask me

if I had ever considered

how weird the

Teletubbies are.

I love that moment when

I tell the mother what

her kid's been up to

and she makes that face.

What?

MITCH: I call it the

"I'm gonna smack his ass

"with a hairbrush in the

parking lot" face.

The "I'm gonna smack

his ass with a hairbrush

in the parking lot" face

may not be my favorite thing

about teaching,

but it's definitely

in the top five.

(LOWELL SIGHING)

CLIVE: Ooh, angry parents.

Rough night,

rough night.

I don't like getting

yelled at, I'll

tell you that much.

What is wrong

with them. Whew.

Well, honestly, what

do you guys expect,

you might be the

worst guidance

counselors of all time.

I take that

as a compliment.

I like that.

I'll tell you why, because

what would be worse

is if you said nothing.

We provoked a reaction.

Yeah, it's what we do.

You told students

in my class

that they probably

wouldn't survive the day.

Some of them

won't or didn't.

STEVEN: I don't know

about that.

Got a rise out of you.

Mrs. Rose, simply put,

your son is too stupid to

be on the robotics team.

How dare you say anything

like that about my son!

No, it's not me,

it's nothing personal.

I'm just wondering, uh,

did you drop him as a child?

Was he deprived oxygen

for over three minutes?

How dare you say

anything like that

about my son!

All I'm saying is, if he

doesn't get his act together,

then I'm gonna design

a robot specifically

to choke him out.

Um, Eric and I do

a cover band.

This is one of the things...

Talk about

Teacher of the Year,

and I think a lot of times,

guys who go out

and do all kinds of

extracurricular activity,

um...

They have to

make it happen.

Yeah, and you know,

we show the kids...

Not just in the classroom.

Right, we show the

kids that there's a

world outside of school.

Mmm-hmm.

And so we have

a cover band.

It is of a band

I was a big, uh, fan of,

it's called

the Indigo Girls.

Hmm.

Yes, it's one of your

favorites, isn't it?

It is true,

and so it's a duet.

Uh, duo.

And so, one problem is...

I don't... I don't

play the guitar.

Not a note.

And, uh...

And I don't sing.

No. But the... Unfortunately

it was a duo, so I

needed someone else

and you had

weekends free,

and so we'll do a gig down

at like Ruby Tuesday's.

You have no control

over these kids.

I see.

You haven't taught

my son one thing.

He has not learned one

thing in your class!

Mrs. White, may I

ask you a question?

Oh, you have a

question for me?

Yes, if you don't mind...

Oh, really, what...

What is it?

Why did you come

here tonight?

Excuse me?

If you came here to find

out how your son can do

better in my class

and get a higher grade,

we can keep on talking.

But if you've come

here to yell at me,

then this

conference is over.

(TEACHERS CHEERING)

MAN: Boom, baby!

I love it.

Don't you wish...

Nice.

All I wanted to say.

Oh, I love that.

WOMAN: Thank goodness

somebody said it.

I swear to God,

I would give back

half my salary

if they would let me

punch a parent once a year.

MAN: Yes!

Just once!

(INDISTINCT)

So, we play

Closer to Fine,

and we'll do it at

local establishments.

And, uh, it's

the only song I know.

And I don't

know it at all.

No, uh, that's a problem,

'cause he doesn't, uh...

But I look good, so...

And it's a duo, so we

have to do it together...

I add color.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You add maybe too

much color sometimes.

(CLEARS THROAT) Anyway...

In some of the

places we play it,

you know, it's...

No, it...

It's not a colorful bar.

Sometimes...

(INAUDIBLE)

So, Alex has been

improving lately,

but he does

very little homework.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

She says she doesn't

know what to do because

I lie and tell her

that I did my homework,

but she can't check because

she doesn't speak any English.

(EXCLAIMS IN SPANISH)

Si.

Si.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey there.

People will say

we're in love.

Parent-teacher

conference, huh?

I don't miss those.

I didn't know

you taught.

Oh, three years.

Wasn't for me.

Look, John, um,

I'm interested,

uh, I really am,

but I just...

I'm gonna need

a couple of days.

Well, my advice was

to leave you alone,

let you make up

your own mind,

but I got overruled.

In favor of what?

They told me to come

right over here and

raise the offer to 150.

(STAMMERS)

$150,000?

To start.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

(CHUCKLING)

You're their

number one draft pick, Mitch.

Look, you call me

tomorrow.

Let me know what

you wanna do.

INTERVIEWER: Can I ask

what you're thinking?

Uh, I'm thinking it's

an amazing opportunity.

I'm thinking it

could change my life.

So what's the problem?

I'm trying to decide

whether or not my

life needs changing.

(ALARM BEEPING)

(SIGHS)

♪ I took the long road,

in it for the long haul

♪ Been giving every percent

of myself until I fall

♪ Slow, at least that's

what I'm thinking while my

body's feeling awful

♪ From drinking and

weeks of not sleeping

when I'm on tour

♪ This is what I

choose to do ♪

You have to hear him out.

MITCH: Please.

ERIC: I've heard this before.

This idea...

It's a great idea.

MITCH: Thank you, thank you.

MITCH: Let's just stop

right there, okay.

I'll tell you

why it's a great idea,

because we have

the oldest, wealthiest,

healthiest generation

retiring now,

that are still useful.

WOMAN: That's right.

They can contribute.

My father,

my father is 70 years old,

he's a surgeon, they're

about to force him out of

the operating room.

What the hell's

he gonna do?

He's gonna live another

40 years with today's

technology...

They will not let that...

He's gonna go crazy.

He should be here,

teaching AP biology,

coaching the golf team

and making a contribution,

like he wants to.

(TEACHERS ARGUING)

Here's what's gonna

happen with that idea.

Once you leave this

building with an idea,

it's gonna go to the

bureaucracy, and once

they get ahold of it,

they're gonna

shut it down.

Not when they

realize it's feasible!

(TEACHERS ARGUING)

MITCH: So, it's impossible

to change.

It's impossible to change.

No, you need to start,

you need to

change from within.

Thank you.

You need to... Hey, who's

the union rep? That's you.

Yeah.

So, we need to go

in through you

to get them to

change the rules.

Exactly why I...

ARNOLD: No, I wouldn't say

I'm worried about Mitch.

I just wish he'd find more

ways to have fun with his job.

That's what I do.

And how does the man begin

the act of intercourse?

Anybody? Lamont?

He puts his penis

in her thing?

(ALL LAUGHING)

In her thing.

No, no.

It's called a vagina.

It's a lovely word.

Vagina. Vagina.

(STUDENTS GROANING)

It's lovely.

How many jobs do you

know that you get paid to

make teenagers

feel nauseous?

(STUDENTS MURMURING)

Kian, homework.

Oh, I... I couldn't

do it, Mr. Carter.

It was raining.

What does that

even mean?

Okay, guys, we have our

test on Wednesday,

so that means I need

all your journal work.

(STUDENTS TALKING)

Can I have some

quiet, please?

(TALKING CONTINUES)

Everybody, get quiet.

Quiet, please!

Marcus, if you don't

shut up, I'm gonna throw

you out that window.

Whatever, it's

only two stories.

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

You guys are killing me.

You're killing me!

When his face

turns all red like that,

(LAUGHING) he

just cracks me up.

MITCH: On Thursdays,

I have lunch duty

in the courtyard.

Uh, kids like to

tell me what's going

on in their lives.

Really wish they'd

stop doing that.

I cheated on my

chemistry test.

He didn't even see!

Jenna and all her

skanky friends still

talk crap about me.

I just think it's funny.

Can't get this

itch on my left nut.

Ah, thanks for the

update, Novak,

I appreciate that.

Audrey, do you

need something?

I'm his girlfriend.

You're his girlfriend?

How is that possible?

(INAUDIBLE)

INTERVIEWER: Wow,

your students

are so into your class.

(LAUGHS) Well, don't sound

so surprised.

No, no. It's just... It's

not... It's just, I've seen

the school's test scores.

And the history department's

are the lowest.

By quite a bit,

unfortunately.

Why do you

think that is?

Our department lacks

depth.

So you can see here,

very clearly, where the

country was divided

during the Civil War.

Uh, fun fact,

Kentucky was sort

of the Switzerland of,

uh, the Civil War

because they

were neutral.

Uh, another fun fact,

uh, North Carolina is

where my parents live,

so... And, um,

the Mason-Dixon Line is

what actually divided

the North and the...

Guys, can you just please

listen to me?

I'm really... Look, no...

No one cares about

this stuff, all right?

I'm not gonna pretend

that they do. You'll never

need to know this again.

But for today, I need you

to know this, all right?

I just... Can you just take

one standardized test

that says

you've learned anything

that I've taught you.

Just even like a 25%

would be enough for me

to keep my job and my

crappy little apartment

and I can drive

my used Honda Civic

back to the house that

I cry myself to sleep in.

You know what, fine,

I will go to the

principal's office.

(STUDENTS CONTINUE TALKING)

I will... Does that not

mean anything to you?

What do I say

to this kid?

What do I say

to her mother?

Try to pin them down

on something factual.

The only way this is all

gonna turn out well is if

you get the facts out.

(SIGHS)

And choose your

words carefully.

As soon as you make

a judgment on the

girl or her mother,

you're gonna be in a war

you can never win.

But I'm not just gonna

sit there and let Brian

get buried for something...

I'm not telling you to.

Just remember that the parent

sees their child as an

extension of themselves.

There's nothing more

personal to them.

Right, right.

Oh, Brian Campbell, that

guy's going down hard.

It's gonna be ugly.

So glad I don't have

to go to that meeting.

I have a colonoscopy

this afternoon,

not really looking

forward to that either.

It goes to show you

how much I do not want to go

to this meeting.

As he...

He didn't do it!

He's a predator.

He is not a predator.

You ever been to

the teachers' lounge?

Yeah.

And you reach

for the French vanilla

coffee creamer?

One time, he took it

from you as you guys were

both reaching at

the same time.

And used it up.

That's not predatory.

And used it up.

That is not predatory.

I... I was fearing for

my sexual well-being.

Oh, come on.

I'm praying for him.

Last night, I

prayed for him.

Jackie.

She's being as

supportive as she can be.

'Cause I didn't do it.

Yeah, of course.

Still killing

her on the inside.

And when they fire me...

Come on, man, you

don't know that.

Ron has to fire me.

It's what I would do.

Just try and keep it

together, please, all right?

My career.

It's over.

Hey!

What am I gonna

do for a job?

Will you stop whining

about the future

and focus on right now, okay?

Protect your family,

protect yourself.

It's not done.

Ah. (SIGHS)

Ah. (SIGHS)

I'm just gonna...

Can I...

Yeah, go, go,

we got time.

(SNIFFLES)

I'm just gonna...

(SIGHS)

Go, go.

I'll be right back.

Shit.

I was doing a problem

on the board

and he came up behind me

and he started

massaging my shoulders

and then he slid

his hands down the front

of me and started

rubbing my breasts.

It's okay, Faith, you don't

have to go into details.

She will have to

discuss them with

the police, however.

Well, it was my

understanding, from our

phone conversations,

Mrs. Gregory, that you

wanted to keep the

police out of this.

I swear, I didn't

do anything.

Yes, you did.

BRIAN: For God's sake,

Faith, please...

Mr. Campbell, please

control yourself.

FAITH: You're disgusting.

BRIAN: Please, I'm begging...

MRS. GREGORY: If he says

one more word to her,

we're leaving.

So, it's Brian, Mitch,

the girl and her mother.

No lawyers?

Apparently, Ron is

working as hard as he can

to keep the whole

thing off the record.

(LAUGHS) Well, why am I not

surprised by that?

I don't know, but if

I was going in to

a meeting like that,

I wouldn't want

Mitch representing me.

Really? Who else

would you pick?

I don't know, but...

ROBIN: I don't know, Mitch

would be my first choice.

He's a really good

man to have your back.

ERIC: Yeah.

STEVEN: That's the problem.

He's too good. He's too nice.

ERIC: Wrong.

Okay.

Mitch is good.

He's not nice.

What's the difference?

He's a good man, but

you get on his bad side,

teacher, student,

anybody, good luck.

MRS. GREGORY: Faith...

BRIAN: I did nothing wrong.

You're going to

jail, you bastard!

Okay, all right, let

me just interject here

for a second, okay?

Um, Faith, I understand

that you're upset, and, uh,

none of us are suggesting...

You think you can just

grab any girl you want

because you're

the big boss?

I did nothing wrong.

You call grabbing

my boobs nothing?

RONALD: No, no,

that is awful, Faith.

He shouldn't work here.

RONALD: And he

doesn't anymore.

Hold on, hold on,

Faith,

right now you

just went like this

when you talked about what

Mr. Campbell did to you.

But earlier, you said

that he was behind you.

Oh, right, that's...

That's what I meant.

What difference does

it make where they

were standing?

I don't think we have

to rehash all the details...

Just a second, Ron.

Faith, I understand

that you don't like

Mr. Campbell's class.

And clearly you

don't like Mr. Campbell.

I hate him.

MITCH: And that's okay.

That's enough,

Mr. Carter.

You're about to

ruin a man's life.

And his career.

Maybe send him to jail.

So what we need

from you, right now,

is to tell the truth.

How dare you!

My daughter is not on trial.

Did Mr. Campbell

touch you?

He was looking at

me like he wanted to.

But he didn't, did he?

No.

MRS. GREGORY: Faith!

(GASPS) Thank God.

You shouldn't have

failed me, you asshole!

What is going on here?

RONALD: I assure you that

we'll do whatever it takes

to resolve this issue.

INTERVIEWER:

That was pretty rough.

How're you feeling?

Like I've been doing this

job for a hundred years,

with a hundred

more to go.

John, hey, it's Mitch.

Hi, how you doing?

Yeah, um...

I'll take it. I'll do it.

Yeah.

Listen, let me talk

to you about the

details later, okay?

I just... Okay, great.

Great. Thank you. Bye.

(SIGHS)

Daddy!

Hey, hi.

Hello.

So, what happened?

You're not going

to believe it.

She made it up.

What? How do you know?

She admitted it.

Oh, my God.

I know, right.

Oh, my God.

Yay, family hug!

Oh.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS) It's over.

How did it happen?

I squeezed

it out of her.

You squeezed it out of her.

What, are you on

Law & Order or something?

I could be.

(LAUGHING) I'm gonna

go call Jackie.

Um, hang on,

hang on. I, um...

I, um...

I took the job.

You did?

Yeah.

Well, it's good.

It's good,

it's gonna be good.

I know.

It'll be all right.

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

I'm making my

peace with it.

The money is

unbelievable.

And when the baby comes,

Kate will be able to

take as much time off

work as she needs.

Maybe she won't

have to work at all.

It was the right decision.

KATE: You wanna put him

in the car? Let him go to the

movies or something?

Just coffee

for breakfast?

Yeah, I gotta get

to school early.

Well, let me at least

finish making your lunch here.

No time, gotta go.

What's the rush?

Well, I have to

finish grading all my

papers this morning,

so that I can have

a meeting with

Ron this afternoon.

Oh, you're

gonna tell him.

How's he gonna take it?

The way I'm

gonna tell him?

Not well.

Oh, my God, I should sell

tickets to this meeting.

(CRYING) Daddy? Daddy?

Sweetheart,

what's wrong?

I thought you left

without saying goodbye.

Oh, well, you were

sleeping, honey.

I didn't want to

wake you up.

You always have to

say goodbye, Daddy.

And give me my milk

and watch cartoons.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay,

okay, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

I'll do it tomorrow,

okay? I promise.

Okay.

(INDISTINCT)

Oh, yeah, what, and what?

Yup.

Okay, and how 'bout

the headphones for

good measure, okay?

Your lucky day.

I'm giving you a break.

But you got two. Okay?

Thanks.

For the smart-ass look

you just gave me.

Yeah. Enjoy it. Okay?

I don't... I don't need it.

Listen, the whole

Brian Campbell situation

is unfortunate.

But, uh, I have nothing

to say about it.

INTERVIEWER: Well, you just

said it was unfortunate.

Then I have nothing

else to say about it,

okay, Mr. Grammar?

We were hoping to talk

to Principal Douche about it.

(SIGHS) Yeah, that's

not gonna happen.

It's a brand new day.

They offered me my job back.

I did not take it.

I've been offered jobs

at other schools

over the years

and I stayed there

because I thought

things were gonna change.

I thought Douche...

Look, the douche

will be the douche

for the rest of his life.

He's gonna have to wake up,

look in the mirror,

and see himself, and that's

enough punishment for me.

I kind of hope

he wakes up with VD.

Ah! That's

a little bad karma.

Not... Just the kind

that hurts when he pees.

Burning.

(LAUGHING) Yes.

IAN: "Who is

the third president of

the United States?"

Answer,

"Mr. Donovan's a homo."

It's not true, it's

mean, it's politically

incorrect, and I just...

These kids, I don't

know what to do

with them, I mean,

I come in every day and

I do my best and they just

yell and they don't listen

and I don't know how

to control them.

No, that's your

first mistake.

You're not gonna be

able to control them.

They're very energetic,

they're gonna be

all over the place.

What you have to

do is learn to

conserve that energy

and try and redirect them

in the direction you

want them to go in.

What are you

guys talking about?

Ian's just having a

little trouble in his

history class.

A lot of trouble.

History? (SCOFFS)

Mmm-hmm.

Who cares about that?

I'm in the robot business,

and business is booming.

What's the width

of a child's neck?

Actually, business

is not booming.

Season's off to a

terrible start and

I'm not handling it well.

You call this

efficient torque?

Yeah.

Is that a joke?

I have a joke for you.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Second place!

Are you insane?

(SHATTERING)

Terrible! Start over!

What do you have?

It's hyperbolic.

Get under the table.

Get under the table.

Slide over, slide over.

What do you have

here? What is...

(STUDENTS WHIMPERING)

Actually, that's pretty

good. All right.

You keep up the good work.

Oh, don't be

such a crybaby.

(STUDENTS CRYING)

Yeah, Mitch won

Teacher of the Year.

I've accepted that.

But I will tell

you, it's not just

about teaching.

Huh? He has a vest

on all the time.

Who's the

teacher in the vest?

Teacher in the

vest, vest, vest.

Kardashian. Jesse James.

Jesus. Publicity

figures. Boom. Huh?

Not me anymore.

Next year,

whole new attitude.

Oh, who's the guy

in the new glasses?

Teacher of the Year.

WOMAN: Honestly, she's

got nothing going on.

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

'Cause she's brain-dead.

Hey.

MITCH: Hey.

Brought your lunch.

Oh, how sweet, Mitchie,

Mommy brought you lunchie!

(LAUGHS)

Can I...

Can we go to your room

for just a sec?

Yeah.

ALL: Ooh!

Shut up!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Don't take it.

(SIGHS)

If you think it's the

wrong move, don't take it.

No, no, no, I have to.

I have to.

Yeah, I know I said

that, but... (SIGHS)

I was wrong.

I... I don't want to

see you working so hard.

You're killing yourself.

But I don't mind it.

But I do.

I do.

I just want us

to be together.

We will be.

We are.

Always.

Okay.

Okay.

INTERVIEWER: So, when will you

tell your students?

That I'm leaving?

Um, I don't know.

I might not

tell them at all.

Isn't that

the coward's way out?

Absolutely.

Yeah, but I'm just

not sure that I could

handle the goodbye.

You're quitting? Why?

Well actually, Ron, I'm

quitting because of you.

Me? Why? Have you

told other people?

No, of course not.

Come on, relax, I'm not

quitting because of you.

Oh, my God. God!

Why would you say that?

Because I'm trying

to help you out.

I'm trying to help you

understand why the teachers

don't respect you

and the kids

don't like you.

I don't know either of

those things to be true.

Sure you are.

And I know it's killing

you because you're trying

so hard to be liked.

Yes, I try very hard.

Yeah, I know, and

that's the problem.

It's not your job

to be liked, it's

your job to lead.

Well, you know what,

I just think that maybe

you and I have very

different ideas about

how to do this job.

You remember when you

invited the entire faculty

to your birthday party

except for three teachers?

I realized my mistake,

and I invited them

the next day.

Do you remember

the meeting you called

to draft a new mission

statement for the school,

and you invited the

teachers, the parents,

and the kids all into

the same room?

That wasn't my meeting.

It was a zoo, Ron.

I mean, the teachers were

fighting with each other,

calling each other

names in front of the

parents and the kids.

That was Rita's meeting.

They are all

your meetings!

God! Can't you

just own it?

Can't you just say,

"Yeah, I am responsible"?

Aren't you tired of

being such a pussy?

You know what,

you win one award

and you think you

know everything,

huh? Is that it?

I know what the students

of Truman think of me.

Ron, the kids

think you're a dick.

Okay.

We're finished here.

Yeah, it's okay.

I was already done.

INTERVIEWER: Jesus Christ.

That might be a little

bit more than

he's used to, huh?

You think?

(LAUGHING)

MITCH: All right, guys,

you had a great week

of practice.

Just remember, we play

together, we win together.

Count off.

STUDENTS: One!

Count off!

STUDENTS: One!

Right, that's right,

you play as one,

and we will win!

Hands up!

One, two, three.

STUDENTS: Titans!

Let's go, boys. Get out there.

(CHEERING)

They'll win a game

at some point.

Eh, probably not today,

though. Um, this team

is pretty tough,

but my guys are making

a lot of good decisions,

and they'll be rewarded

for that eventually.

Yeah, all right, Chris!

Nice stop,

buddy, nice stop.

Let's go, get it out now!

Teaching sometimes feels

like you're leading the

kids through a dense fog.

Uh, the worst part of this

job is the fear

that you might not be

taking them in

the right direction.

Come on, push it up,

push it up.

And then, suddenly, it's

nothing but clear skies.

(CHEERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

INTERVIEWER: So, when will you

tell your students?

That I'm leaving?

Um, I don't know.

I might not

tell them at all.

Isn't that

the coward's way out?

Absolutely.

Yeah, but... I'm just

not sure that I could

handle the goodbye.

You know,

uh, we've been talking

to them all week.

The students?

What'd they say?

He works harder than any

teacher I've ever seen.

He's kept me after class

and said,

you know, like,

"Don't act like I'm forcing

this knowledge on you."

You know, "I got something

that belongs to you,

so you gotta take it."

When he talks

to you like that,

let me tell you,

that'll make your ass

pick up a book and study.

He had a real

cool swag about him.

Man, thank you for

your swag, Mr. Carter.

GIRL 1: I told him I

wasn't a good writer.

He says we're all writers.

BOY 1: He doesn't just make

you a better writer.

He changes the

way you think.

GIRL 2: For the longest time,

I didn't know what I wanted

to do with my life, you know?

But now, I do.

I want to be a teacher.

GIRL 3: He's the best.

BOY 2: The best.

GIRL 4: The best.

He's the best

teacher I ever had.

Well, that means

a lot. Thank you.

(CHEERING)

SIERRA: My daddy helps kids

learn and get smarter.

He helps them read and write

and have a better life.

My daddy is a teacher.

We did the VFW.

Yes, we did the VFW.

Definitely won't be

going to that one again.

We did, and we

did a preschool.

We did the preschool.

Those kids loved it.

Yeah, they were into it.

They were into it.

They. They were

clapping and singing and...

Singin' right along.

They didn't even

know the words either.

No.

And I think, sometimes

when you don't know

the words, it...

It's better.

It frees you.

Why do you need to

know words to songs?

A lot of times,

words hold you back.

Okay, let's

lose the smirk.

Oh, and you're

still gonna... You're

still gonna laugh.

Okay, that's fine.

I will be treated

fairly and

taken seriously.

Okay?

So enjoy it.

I'm not gonna write

all that out

again, you know.

Maintaining a

strong relationship

with the parents,

well, that,

that's another key.

Nia, uh, would you

excuse us, please?

Nia, please.

Okay.

He's gonna use his

imagination on Mommy.

(SIGHS)

I couldn't help

notice you're not

wearing a wedding ring.

That is true.

Um, neither am I.

Look what we

have in common.

Oh, my God. Um...

Secret is contacts.

You gotta have a lot of

contacts, all over the place.

We got them

everywhere.

And you don't just

have the contact,

I mean, you have to hang

with these people.

You gotta get intimate

with these people.

(PHONE RINGING)

You literally have to...

Hang on a

second. Hello?

Okay. All right.

Who's that?

Didn't get in.

Great.

Another kid

didn't get in.

See, but that

opens up a slot

for another kid.

So that's how

we look at it.

You gotta have a

positive attitude.

And then you

gotta have contacts.

(CHEERING)

I don't know, but it

seems to me

that the trophy

for Teacher of the Year

ought to go

to the teacher

with the most trophies.

That's just math.

But I don't teach math,

I just teach robotics.

That's not gonna be important

in the future whatsoever.

Whatever, just let the

baby have his bottle.

You plagiarized

this whole paper.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did, you cut

and pasted the entire

thing from the Internet.

No!

See here, you

accidentally...

INTERVIEWER: So, you've been

teaching for 25 years.

25 years.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

(SIGHS)

I don't know if that's

in your frame. Is that

what it's called, frame?

I don't know if it's in

your frame but there's

some kids back there.

Ready and willing

and able to learn.

So...

Let's have a great day of

instruction, you guys, huh?

Is that a knife, young man?

What is that,

is that a pen? Okay.

Truman's test scores are

the highest in the area,

and I... I take a lot

of pride in that.

But besides myself, um,

you know, the teachers

are also a big part

of the success here at Truman.

Okay, you know what, I will

give you each $5

if you'll just be quiet

for five minutes.

That's a dollar a minute,

that's basically all

I'm making today.

I will give you today's

salary if you will, please,

just listen to me.

Uh, it's two white

women, so...

Oh, it is?

Yeah.

Oh, you didn't

tell me that.

Well, it's okay,

it doesn't...

Superfluous, really.

And so, let's just...

You know,

instead of introducing it,

let's just play the song.

Sure. Here we go.

So this is Closer to Fine,

and we are the Indigo Boys.

Indigo Dudes.

Dudes, I like that

one better.

Actually,

we should make a banner.

Yeah, we should.

As you know, I started

the FIGHT program

on campus this year.

Friendship.

Intelligence.

Gratitude.

Humility.

And trust.

These posters were meant

to encourage the students.

Whoever vandalized

these posters

didn't think about

that for one second!

(STUDENTS CHEERING)

Some of you guys

might be virgins.

It might be a little...

It's okay, guys, it's okay.

Sexuality.

That's where you

come into your own.

You literally come into

it your own in college.

I'll tell you where you're

not gonna find

your sexuality out.

North Dakota.

No.

That's a black hole

of sexuality.

I mean, nobody finds

anything up there.

I'm Asian, but I wear

colored contacts

to make my eyes blue.

They say that's exactly

what they're

looking for at USC!

We were teaching

that girl a lesson. Okay?

You sometimes have to be

fake to make it in LA.

USC, it's

full of phonies.

Period. We said it.

Right?

You want to fit in,

you be a phony.

And by the way, I would

say that to USC's face.

You're a phony, USC.

If they had a face.

If USC had a face...

I'll say it to

George Lucas.

You're a phony.

Yeah, no. I know Mitch

won Teacher of the Year

and I'm okay with it now,

I've accepted it.

He's plays the rube in

from the farm, right?

I'm the guy in the vest.

Oh! Scarecrow.

Not buying it.

You know what it is?

It's branding.

That's what he's done.

It's like a sex tape.

In the guise of a vest.

(CHEERING)

MARV: No. No!

I want you to know

that you may

think this is funny,

but this is not some

kind of joke, okay?

And if I ever find

out where this

fight and drug club

is meeting,

I will ruin you!

MAN 1: Soft sticks,

lightly on the slap.

Right in front of...

You guys have the

clickers and everything.

MAN 2: Hold up, man.

That's terrific.

We're gonna

brighten this up here.

There we go.

It's brightening it up!

Brightening it up.

Interesting.

I didn't know that

you could do that. Wow.

Do you call this

efficient torque?

Yeah.

Okay, I have a

joke for you then.

Uh, knock knock.

Knock knock?

Knock knock.

Knock knock?

DIRECTOR: Go back to the top.

(LAUGHING) I was gonna

play it out,

'cause it's

almost even funnier.

You all right?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Sorry. Almond.

Nevada.

Nevada. Stay away

from Nevada.

You can go.

But you're gonna

kill a hooker.

Pause, pause, pause.

(CREW LAUGHING)

(PLAYING OUT OF TUNE)

Ooh!

Okay, we rolling?

That's good.

Yeah?

Yeah, you learned a chord.

I'm gonna

just play this chord.

Yeah.

Over and over.

Plenty.

Trust me, that's how

Poison got a career,

so don't sweat it.

My balls are itchy.

DIRECTOR: Slow down so I can

hear the word "balls."

My balls are itchy.

My balls are itchy.

Think about it.

Look, you wanna act?

Mmm-hmm.

Act itchy balls.

Act like you

got itchy balls.

Make 'em itch.

(LAUGHING)

My balls are itchy.

If I was telling you

my balls itch,

I would tell you...

This is how I would say

it, "My balls are itchy."

My balls are itchy.

(LAUGHS)

All right, Arno,

here we go, buddy.

You got this.

DIRECTOR: Rolling.

Scene 100, take 4, marker.

Boom!

(CREW LAUGHING)