Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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- Oh no.

No, no.

No!

- Okay, my name's Freddy Snakeskin

here on Cahill, we're going to be giving away those tickets

for the killer pussy show, tonight at the Form.

But let's check in with the score man,

with the alleged surf report.

- Well, thank you, Snake

and this is the surf report, brought to you by Buzzz.

- This really sucks.

- Let's go.

- Whoa!

- Oh, what's that?

- That's a girl.

- Girl.

Can you say girl?

- We'll explain later.

- Big Head.

- Oh no, it's Mr. Beaker.

- Hold it!

Going somewhere Chuck?

- Bob.

- Bob.

- Chuck.

- Cindy Lou.

- Lindy Sue.

- Wendy Sue.

- Cindy Lou.

- And Mr. Big Head.

- Yeah, dude.

We're going crazy listening to this lousy high school band.

- Well, we'll just have to bring that

up with our principal, Mr. Daddy-O.

- Hey, Daddy-O!

- Quiet!

- Go home!

- Yo mama!

I have some terrible news.

- I can't hear!

- I said I have some terrible news.

- What?

- Couple of our students have been seriously injured.

- Big deal!

- The boys cut the class

and met with a terrible surfing accident.

- What?

- I said, they'd met with a terrible surfing accident.

- Surfs up!

- What is that out there?

I guess it's nothing.

Could have been a sub.

Can't be too careful, you know.

Hey Daddy-O.

- What have we here, ship?

Well, I'm not sure, but nobody goes near the water

until I get to the bottom of it and don't call me ship.

Inspector Underwear.

Get over here.

- Asshole.

I want you to dust the beach for prints.

Excuse me son.

All right.

The way I see it,

either we've got several hundred maniacs running loose

or we've got a serious problem.

- What makes you think that? - How else could two boys

be attacked out there in the middle of the ocean

during broad daylight.

- Could be a great white.

- Never thought of that.

No, this looks like it was clone by professionals.

I want you to keep all those kids

in school until I crack this case.

- Gosh.

- In the school.

But it's the weekend.

- That's your problem.

I've got enough trouble on my own around here.

- I don't believe it.

A couple of guys get wasted and what do they do?

Close the beach.

- What a bummer.

- Kids.

- Oh, here it is.

Clear the area.

All right, everybody clear the area.

- Hey, no problemo, Chief.

Let's bail.

- Yeah, Buzzz Cola.

Yeah, what do you want?

You're being a jerk O'Finlay.

That's got nothing to do with the Cola.

Listen, wasn't my advice right?

Didn't I advise you to put the fruit juices

next to the gay magazines?

Didn't it work?

Well then what the?

What the hell are you talking about it?

Look.

- Stop whining, will ya?

- Oh yeah, one more thing O'Finlay, shlong.

- What an asshole.

- Oh here, good, good.

Watch this.

This is great.

- All right.

- This is great.

Here he goes.

This is great.

He loves it.

He loves it, look at that.

Here he goes.

- Hi boys.

Popcorn?

- Hey.

- Hey, all right.

- Whip it wet, ha.

- Hanger living.

- Tuber city.

- Buzzz power.

- Right.

Right this way.

- Nice looking group of boys.

Good point.

I think there's a couple extra cases in the back.

I love meeting new clients.

Don't forget to stock up for the holidays, you know.

- That's right.

- There's Super Bowl and World Series.

- Yeah, Pro Bowl.

- Kentucky Derby, Indy 500.

- He's loaded, Indy 600.

Whatever you want. This is a school job, hey son.

- Yeah, Jesus.

Oh yeah, right this way.

- Mother's Day.

- Just put that down anywhere, that's fine.

- Thanksgiving.

Oh, he's a strong one.

- Right over there Hercules.

Amazing.

Guys got shoulders like the Parthenon, look at that.

- Extraordinary.

Can I get some of this, it's gonna have to be washed.

You got company coming maybe.

- I can't believe they drink that shit.

- Well they got no taste,

look at the way they dress.

- Would you mellow out?

- Come on guys, cheer up.

They can't keep the beach closed forever.

It's bound to be open for the big surf contest.

- Yeah.

But what are we supposed to do in the meantime?

- You could pay little bit more attention to us.

- Check it out.

- Hey look, it's her again.

- The new girl.

Her name is, Sparkle.

- Sparkle.

- Sparkle.

I can't believe it,

after all this time, you can't even remember our names.

- Pretty radical.

- Must be from LA, a bow, bow.

- No doubt.

No one else would be crazy enough to drink that crap

our dads call Cola.

- You have to drive to stay alive.

- Johnny you can't.

It says it's out of order.

- Don't matter.

I can't read.

- He's got an IQ of 53.

- That's impossible.

- I know.

I cheated.

A bow, bow.

- Hi, you guys.

- Hey.

- Hello, Sparkle.

- Nice night for a walk on the beach.

- You bet.

- How about starting with a long walk on a short pier?

- Excuse us, it's past their bedtime.

Jocko, dad said 10.

- Hey Becker, get two pal.

- Gee, I hope I didn't say anything wrong.

- Forget it, you can come with us.

- Yeah.

It's full moon out, perfect for night surfing.

- You wanna come watch?

- I don't think that's a very good idea.

Aren't you worried about those two guys who got mutilated

out there today?

- No, we'll surf around them.

- Bitchin'.

- Whoa, looks like a big one.

- I hate this, everywhere I go, your punks follow me around.

And this makeup.

It's not me. - What are you talking about?

You look beautiful.

You look sensational.

You look like the Sanyo girl, only better.

- Get up.

It's flashy and it's tasteless

and everything you've always hated.

- Yeah well, tacky or not, you gotta wear it,

it's what those surfer ludniks go for.

- Maybe I don't want them to go for it.

I want them to go for me.

- Look, do me a favor

and save that whole world catalog stuff

for Warner, Earhart or the Moonies.

- It's important to me.

- The only thing that's important to us,

is ridding the world of this blighted idiot surfers.

Okay you guys, give them the works.

- Oh no, I'm full.

- I wish you hadn't done that.

They were so nice.

- Nice, nice my tush,

do you know how many brain surgeons, nuclear physicists

or Nobel laureates have been surfers?

I'll tell ya, none

Look, trust me honey, we're doing the world a favor.

And just in case you get any smart ideas about leaving.

Just remember where you'd be without me.

Whatever you say, Bunny.

And for Christs sake, quit calling me Bunny.

Good old Buzzz Cola gets them every time.

- Hold still.

My car.

Ah jeez.

- Oh Chuck.

- Uh-Oh, I'm Bob.

- Oh shit.

- Bow, bow.

- Hi mom.

- Morning Chuck.

- Dad.

- Yeah.

- What's for breakfast?

- Here we are dear, your favorite.

- Not that shit again.

- Watch your mouth in front of your father.

- Crap.

- Watch your mouth in front of your mother.

- Sorry.

- What do you and the boys have planned today?

- Going to the beach.

Gotta practice.

- I thought the surfing beach was closed.

- It is.

We're screwed.

We're going to go to the public beach.

- I'm surprised, that's nothing

but a closed out shore break.

- What can we do?

Contest is next week.

- There's been a good South swell running

on an incoming tide.

I'll bet there'll be some bitching tubes.

- I beg your pardon.

There hasn't been a makeable tube on that beach

since they dredged the marina and laid the jetty.

It's strictly shore pound city.

- Listen to the big kahuna over here.

Shore pound city.

You wouldn't recognize a four foot tube

if it was staring you in the face.

Can you relate?

- Try me sometime, jerk off.

- Hi boys.

- Hi.

- Throw the trash out before you go to the beach Johnny.

- That's right Jed, yep,

every week we have the worst restaurant.

- And don't forget to take your little brother.

- How are our little surfers today?

- Great, I have leukemia.

- But we're going surfing anyway.

- Hey, hey, what's wrong with your parents?

They look so weird.

- They're worried sick.

Jocko didn't come home last night and didn't bother to call.

- Have fun kids.

Don't get too much sun.

- I see what you mean.

- They do look kind of dismal.

- We can't leave them alone like this.

You guys go ahead without us.

- Sure.

You two'd be totally bogus anyway,

what difference does it make?

- Whoa!

- What a fucking zoo.

- Really.

- Hey, where's surfer?

- I'm no surfer, you guys are behind the times.

- You guys are geeks.

- Oh no, you're wrong, these kids are hip.

Here, why don't you have a soda and let's talk.

- Buzzz?

- Yeesh.

- I wouldn't drink that crap if you paid me.

- That's what you suckers think.

- What'd you say?

- I said, this is what all the surfers drink.

- Forget that.

Check it out.

- Oh, wenches.

Hi, I'm Bob.

Excuse me but are you available for dating?

Perhaps, what did you have in mind?

- Are you clean?

- Look at those friends of yours.

The first chance they get,

they run off with a couple hot bimbos.

- Maybe they're friends from school.

- I doubt it.

They were never there long enough to make any.

- So what, they're a little flirtatious.

They're boys, young, blonde, thin, muscular surfer boys

with clear skin, perfect little.

- Shut up, shut up, shut up.

You know how much I hate the surfers.

When you were the homeliest girl in school

they treated you even worse than they did me.

- I don't care what you say.

I still think they're cute.

- Yeah. And that one with the face like a rottweiler,

I bet you think he's cute too. Take a look at that guy.

What a mongoloid.

- Oh!

- Dear me.

This waiting is driving me crazy.

There must be something else we could be doing.

- The police are our there looking,

so I think it's best if we just sit here and wait,

you know, in case Jocko calls, okay.

- Here, what do you think of this?

- Amazing.

Seeing all this stuff, just makes me wonder,

if they'll find Jocko on time for the big beach party.

- We'll try not thinking about it okay.

- Lindy, why do you think the guys left in such a hurry?

- They didn't even come in for some Beanie Weenies.

You don't think they're up to something, do you?

- I don't know.

But there's only one way to find out.

- Ha, ha.

- I was really wasted and a bunch of us,

a multitude of us came up for this party

and we went surfing and it was midnight

and there were 12 foot tubes

and I was screaming out this face.

- What's in here?

- Totally vertical.

And what appears?

- Just drink it.

- A rock.

A really big one.

- What'd you do?

- What do you mean, why, you were there.

- I know, man, I just love to hear you tell it.

- It was May 12th.

- All right, all right.

I'm gonna tell you.

The same night man, 12 foot waves, I fall in right.

I'm cruising along, west wind in my face,

waves are breaking right,

I'm just bucking total vertical man, all right.

I look right, water.

I look left, water.

I am tubed man.

Totally tubed.

I mean we're talking greer, right.

And then this cat, this geek man, I look at him,

he's this total geek, he comes in from nowhere, geek.

I looked at him and I say.

- I'm swaddled.

- It was bitching man.

I just lunched him.

- Those little surfer fucks.

- I wish there was some way we can get even.

- There is.

- Better not be a wild goose chase.

These are serious charges, you sure this is the place?

- Right here, right here.

This is where it happened.

It was horrible.

This is it.

There it is.

The 24.

Yeah.

- Luckily we could defend ourselves.

- We took karate, so they mighta killed us.

- It must be the weirdos you're looking for.

- You're sure?

And they're out there?

I'm gonna like this.

Underwear, give me the radio.

All right, send them in.

Kinda sound like John Wayne.

All right men, take your positions.

I love this.

Look at them, they're looking good.

- Yeah.

- Oh man, this gal is suffering.

Anyway, I got into the beach, I get up for my next ride

and I'm going.

Yeah.

I'm lunging, total lunge with my elbows, all right.

And I'm just coasting, real smooth.

- Surfer boys.

- That's your story, all right.

Real bitching man.

- Hey, you guys are nude.

- Very impressive.

Anyway, I'm at Point Concession.

- A Point Doom.

- Okay, here we go.

- All right, all right, all right.

- All right, we know you're in there.

So home on out.

- No, no, no, Chief.

Chief, no, no, no.

- What? - No, no, no, no. no, no, no.

- Get the light.

- Come on out.

Come on out.

- Okay, I got it.

So come on out with your fa.

What's that, fans?

- No, it's hands, it's hands.

Right, okay.

Well come on out with your hands up

or we're coming in after you.

- Here, give me the light. - Oh yeah.

- You got one second, time's up, what is that?

- Oh, fire.

- Fire.

- What is that?

- It's the beach, don't worry.

- Tiffany, get a grip on yourself.

- I'm going out, listen man.

We got a great white.

- God!

- It's a can.

It's a bomb.

- It's smoking.

- Whoa.

- Whoa.

- Holy shit.

- Hey, Chuck man.

- Oh.

Hiroshima.

Yeah, a bomb, they threw us a bomb.

Can you dig it?

- You want me to dust them for prints?

- No, let them get dressed.

- How about if I just frisk them a little bit, you know?

- I said, let them get dressed.

- Oh come on Chief.

How about if I just shake them down a little bit.

- Hands off!

Get in the truck.

I know your boys must think this is all one big joke.

I'm gonna show you something

that's gonna make you think twice about being so smart.

You could have been seriously hurt in there.

- Not a chance.

They wouldn't let us get past their panties.

- Shut up.

- He's been like this for hours.

- They found him and that other kid

hanging around that old oil refinery.

- He's just gonna have a little something to eat

and then I'm sure he'll be his old self again.

Won't you Jocko?

Where's mommy's good boy?

- Jocko.

- Jocko.

Jocko.

Jocko.

- Oh my God!

- Jocko.

- Oh, 40 oil, very radical.

- Get way from us.

- Pigs.

- We'll be leaving soon enough.

- What do you think, man?

If he keeps indulging like that,

I don't think Jocko's gonna give us much trouble

in the surf contest.

- Watch this next guy. This is the best surfer in the world.

This could have been me fellas

but I decided to give my life to science.

I remember once I was riding this 50 foot tidal wave.

I thought I was a gonner and I...

Hey, come on in, come on in you guys.

- Hey Menlo. - What do you say Schwartzer.

- Hiya pal.

- We're not as young as we used to be, huh?

- Boy, I didn't get my first wind.

Your boys getting ready for the big surf contest next week?

- Yeah, they're ready, what about yours?

- Oh yeah. They're gonna be surfing, all right.

But between you and me,

I don't think they have much of a chance

against these wave burners.

- You ought to be ashamed of yourselves,

saying that about your own sons.

Any normal parents would want their kids to win.

- What?

- Anyway, they may not be a surf contest.

All because the monsters you three have created.

- Listen, that's no way to talk around these kids, okay.

I mean, anybody can make a mistake, nobody's perfect.

Can you relate?

- Don't pay any attention to her.

She doesn't know the first thing about

supply side economics.

Not to mention what we're doing for the city

and the national economy.

- I do so, you just try to force that crap soda of yours

on the kids, so you two can make a fortune

and you can get your stupid revenge on the surfers.

Ow.

- I'd say, she's just about hit the nail on the head.

- Well you guys better be going, see you later.

Time to go, it's getting late, see you later.

Nice to drop by, I'll take care of everything.

Don't worry about anything, see you later.

Don't forget to write, send a postcard.

See you later.

I'll take care of everything, don't worry.

So long.

- I think the whole thing stinks, I'm through.

- Oh you're through are you? Come here.

- You used to be so nice to me.

Even if the kids laughed at us, at least we had some fun.

- Look at this.

Remember her?

Do you remember her?

Well take a good look.

Because in exactly three hours, this could be you.

The nerdiest broad in this whole town

unless you cooperate and do exactly as I tell you.

- Okay, Bunny, you win.

Get in here.

Look, don't worry, it's not so bad.

Tomorrow I'll take you out.

And this time nobody'll laugh.

Because I'll be out with the most beautiful girl

in this whole ludnick town.

And here, put this on.

This'll keep you beautiful for a few more hours.

Nothing like a little morning surfing

to wake up an appetite.

- come on you guys.

We weren't really interested in those girls on the beach.

It was just humor.

- Very funny.

- You've shown yourselves for what you really are, men.

- That's not true.

- We're surfers.

- Yeah, surfers.

All you know about is perfect tubes, nose rides,

360s and hairball peaks.

- Huh.

Well, what about screaming close-outs

and free fall face drops.

- Yeah.

- And radical cut backs and off the list.

- Why don't you guys go throttle yourselves?

- Fine.

Let's go pick some lettuce Chuck.

- Hey, I'm hip.

- Yoma is open again.

Place your bets, right here.

I got $10.

- 13, come on 13.

- Put your money on the table. - $7.

- Hey.

You gotta bet.

- A bow, bow!

- Hey, Daddy-O!

- What's gong on over there Beaker?

- Sleeping sir.

- Horse Time!

- He's drinking acid!

- Put down that Beaker, Becker.

- Put down that Becker, Beaker.

- Break out the Rolaids.

Bow, bow.

- You two guys, come with me.

We got a date at the city morgue.

- Hey, hold on, we've already made plans for tonight.

- Yeah.

- Cut out the smoking Beaker.

You know that's against school regulations.

- Yes sir.

And that goes for the rest of you.

Chapter 11, always have two pairs of shoes.

Read about it.

We'll have a test on it in the morning.

- This won't be easy but you boys know all the surfers

in this area and I need identification.

- Will you cut that out.

Oh, there it is.

- What is it?

- Surfers, two, maybe three.

What's left them.

- What happened?

- Oh, we're not sure.

One thing's certain, it wasn't suicide.

- How do you know?

- There's no motive.

Besides, it's impossible to cut off your own arms

and legs and head.

- I haven't seen a mess like this

since the days of the early Cuisinarts.

- Well they're not locals, that's for sure.

- How do you know?

- Huh, You see his knee, it's got knots on it.

You only get knots on your knees from knee paddling,

no one's knee paddled around here for years.

- Wait a minute, man.

That's not his knee.

- Knee.

- That's his nose.

- Nose.

- No way, dude.

This is his nose.

- Nose.

- This is his knee.

- Knee.

- Well, I think you're both wrong.

I think this is nose.

- Nose. - And this is his knee.

- Knee.

- And what's you're pointing to is his tongue.

- Tongue.

- That's his nose.

- Nose.

- 'Cause it's sun burned.

Whoever heard of a sunburned tongue?

- Tongue.

- This is his knee.

- Knee.

- Right.

- Right.

- Have you seen the boys?

- Shhhh.

- Don't shush me.

I'm worried.

- About our stupid, useless kid?

Look at this mess, you want something to worry about.

- It's no wonder you're worried about the business.

This crap you call Cola wouldn't pass for fertilizer.

Whoever heard of bottling soda in an oil refinery anyway.

- For your information,

some kids in this town love Buzzz.

And if you shut up long enough

for me to finish these books, I'll prove it to you.

- You're gonna have to show me more than figures.

- Just as I thought.

You'd be doing a lot better

if you'd stop using Menlo Schwartzer's secret recipe.

- Schwartzer happens to be a genius

who's invented the most revolutionary

soft drinks since Aspen.

- A soft drink that unclogs drains

and constrict the paint off a battleship.

- That's revolutionary all right.

- But the question is.

- How are you gonna get people to drink it?

- You can't relate.

- You gotta see it to believe it.

- What is he sick or something?

- No, he's totally freaked.

- What can we do?

- You're his friends, talk to him.

- Must be what he ate in science class today.

- Yay, bra.

The frogs must have kicked in.

- Act like it's no big deal.

- Talk to him.

- Hey Jocko, old buddy.

What you doing man?

- How's it going?

What's happening?

- Looking good dude.

Really gnarly.

We had some dynamite surfers to the high school.

Wanna come?

- Jocko.

I don't think he wants to come.

- Last night he broke into the grocery store

and drank six gallons of antifreeze.

- Very weird.

- Really?

We haven't had a cold snap since January.

- Whoa!

- Thank you.

It is really groovy to be here.

And I am extremely hip and stoked that y'all could come.

Thank you.

Well as you all know, tonight is the start of surf week.

And Friday is the big beach party.

And Saturday is the surf contest.

- Dodging lobster and steamed clams,

moon doggy, yeah.

- Well how are we gonna surf if the beach is closed?

- Thank you.

Well, I'd like to start the movie now.

- What a jerk.

And he expects us to get all excited

about some retarded beach party with our parents

and the police.

Whoa.

- Eat your hearts out, you suckers.

See, what I tell you?

Nobody's laughing now.

Nobody will ever laugh at me again.

- What a doll!

- I'll say.

What's she doing with that creep?

- Those guys are just jealous.

Little do they realize my true identity.

- Hey Schwartzer, your fly's down.

- I have to warn you. - What?

- I have to warn you. - Hey, sit down!

- All right, all right.

- I have to warn you about the.

- Sit down!

- Okay.

- Shit.

- I have to warn you about the contest.

- What?

- Nothing.

I'm sorry, I dropped my contact.

- What are you doing? - I want my money back!

- Come on dudes!

- I want my money back!

- Let's go.

- Let's get out of here guys.

- Oh, Bunny!

I've never been so humiliated in all my life.

- Oh yeah?

What about the time Daddy-O displayed the booger collection

in your pencil case at the pep rally?

Listen, don't waste your time feeling sorry

for those slobs.

They don't deserve it.

Just be thankful you have a real friend like me.

- Friend?

You're not my friend.

All you think about is your rotten revenge.

- How can you say such a thing?

Didn't I take you out to this beautiful place?

And look at all this wonderful food.

Just dig in and enjoy it.

It's not every girl that gets this kind of treatment.

Hey, you want some wine?

Oh, Garson!

Garson!

A good year.

- Boy, things are sure getting weird around here.

- No kidding.

Punks and creeps.

Think these guys would be mature enough

to take surfing seriously.

- It's just not like the good old days.

- Remember those?

Plenty of surf man.

No crowding.

No punks fighting for waves.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

I'm hungry.

- You just ate.

- Which car are you taking Johnny?

- The convertible.

- What convertible?

- Could you come down here a minute, Michael Angelo?

I'll handle this.

Now then, what makes you think your beans are more important

than our Cola?

- I didn't say they were more important.

I said that it's important

that the beans get there while they're still warm.

When your Cola can sit around and wait a little while.

- That means there's warm Cola at the beach.

Whoever heard of warm Cola at the beach O'Finlay,

can you O'relate?

- Doesn't matter with Buzzz.

- What do you mean by that, sweetheart?

- Figure it out and don't call me sweetheart, bitch.

. Oh, now that's some nice way to talk in front of the kids.

- Screw the kids.

- You people are so full of shit, your eyes are brown.

- Screw you too.

- Listen to Mr. O'mouth here.

What were you raised by a pair of brown socks.

There are kids over here.

- He said screw me.

- Would you wait a minute.

Listen, we can settle this,

we can settle this all at the beach.

Okay.

- All right.

- But the beans go first.

- Right here with your beans O'Finlay, right here, okay.

- So who's the chef?

- I am and that's Chief to you.

Now get your hands out of their. Conduct yourself properly.

Excuse me miss.

Ask you a question?

- Sure.

- Any Spaghetti-O's in there?

- No.

- That's too bad.

I love Spaghetti-O's.

- Asshole.

- Knock it off.

- Asshole.

Asshole.

- Be cool.

- Hah!

- Beaker!

Beaker!

Get back here!

You know that the water's off limits.

- Is this your Cola?

- Your beans?

- My shoes.

Now what's going on here?

Oh yes, Officer.

This asshole won't let us put our Cola

on his precious picnic table.

All he cares about are beans.

- That's right.

- It's because these guys are trying to

charge the kids a dollar a deposit.

It doesn't matter anyway.

'Cause nobody's gonna drink this crap.

- Well let me tell you something,

I see your creepy looking kid, putting it away

pretty darn good pal, can you relate?

- He ain't creepy!

- All right, knock it off.

Act like adults.

- They are.

- Kids, if I need any shit out of you,

I'll squeeze your heads.

Now, dollar a bottle does sound a little steep.

- We use organic glass.

- No preservatives.

- And that shit costs.

Can you relate?

- Hold it.

Hold it boys!

This party is for high school students only.

- Jocko!

Jocko!

Jocko, my sweet son.

Mr. Daddy-O, do you not recognize your own students perhaps?

Jocko, we've been so worried about you, dad and I.

Jocko, your room's still ready.

The bunk beds.

- Man, this is gonna be one weird fucking party.

- No doubt.

- We make french toast every morning,

we set the table right for you.

- Beautiful, beautiful, I love it, I love it.

Yeah, that's my boy.

Oh, get him fellas.

Okay, take the scope down Elroy.

This is one we don't wanna miss.

Weird beach party.

I'll give them weird.

They don't know what weird is, till they meet me.

All right, watch this Elroy, this should be good.

- All right guys!

I know they closed the beach.

But we're here, we're gonna rip and rock it, let's go!

- What a bunch of losers.

What a dead party.

I thought my razor was dull till I watched this film.

What's she doing?

That crazy broad.

What are you doing?

Sparkle no, get away from there.

You silly broad, get out of there.

- Nice outfit.

Really nice.

As nice as your zombie friends over there.

- I've got to warn you guys.

- Don't worry, we know what you're after.

- And we're not available.

- Please, you gotta listen to me.

You're all in great danger.

- Yes, as long as you're around.

- Hey, come on you guys, give her a chance.

I think she's trying to tell us something.

- Thank you.

- Hey don't mention it.

You wanna dance?

- Beat it swig, we're not interested.

- I am.

- She's got a lot of nerve coming in here

and trying to steal these guys up from under our noses.

I don't see what she sees in them anyway.

- Thank you guys, we love you!

- All right, look at, oh there's Dick Dale again,

oh I love, I'm starting to like him,

that's what I'm scared of.

Thank God it's finally over.

Well, I got some time to kill,

may as well have a sandwich.

A good old peanut butter and jelly, nectar of the Gods.

- Hey, where's Big Head?

Hey Bob.

- Hey, there's something happening over here!

- What are they doing?

Oh, gross!

- A bow, bow.

- Even Big Head.

- Oh, gross.

Oh, that's gross.

- Yeah, Johnny Big Head bunny.

- Those kids are in for some kind of

serious stomach trouble.

- Yeah well, who cares what they eat?

As long as they wash it down with plenty of Buzzz.

Can you re...?

- Yeah.

Yeah!

No way, dude.

Whoa.

- Crazy kids.

- Disgusting, disgusting.

- Crazy kids, you.

- Oh, I don't think I've ever been so proud.

These are my boys.

All right

- Oh no.

- Come on Big Head, this one's for the money.

- Do it Big Head.

- He can do it.

Let him do it.

- Come on.

- Come on.

- Okay Big Head, this is it.

- Don't think.

- Just drink.

- All right, this calls for a celebration.

Okay you guys, go out and enjoy yourself.

Let's show them a real party.

That's a good punk, okay.

- This mean you don't want any dessert?

- Yeah, yeah.

- You gave it all you had dude.

They just asked the impossible.

- Gee, thanks.

- No!

- That kid can dance.

- That guys got more moves than a scarecrow.

He's busier than a fart in a whirlwind, can you relate?

- Get down.

Get up.

- Hold it.

Nobody move.

I said freeze.

That's better.

You kids are gonna have to control yourselves.

This isn't study hall, you know.

- I think we ought to stop this.

- Are you crazy, man?

They'll pummel us.

- Bow, bow.

- Come on, follow me.

- Hey, what are they doing to our car?

- Come on, the punks are coming.

- Come on Sparkle.

- There was a stop sign.

Sparkle, okay.

What now?

- Maybe we ought to call the police.

- Wrong.

What a mess.

Is he dead?

- Dead, man, this dude is worse than dead.

He's been canceled.

- Hang on, I've got an idea.

- Hey kids.

- Oh Mr. Beaker, we need your help.

- This guy's heavy.

- No, no, bring him over here.

Say, your friend looks pretty drunk.

- No, he's dead.

- Dead, great.

Well, come on,

put him down.

- This is quite a set up you've got here.

- Thanks.

I pick most of them up on the highway.

Cute little fella.

Say, isn't this one of these punk surfers from the party?

- Punk surfers.

These guys aren't even human.

- What are you gonna do with that?

- Well, if what you're saying is true,

then maybe we should find out what makes these things tick.

Stand back.

Maybe you're right.

I thought you said he was dead.

- Maybe he was sleeping.

- Not anymore.

- Whoa.

- Chuck, can you hold that.

- Oh, man.

- Dude.

- Here.

Forceps.

All right.

Jeez.

- What's that?

- It looks like a carburetor.

- A two or four barrel?

- What difference does it make?

They already lunged our car.

- I've never seen anything like this.

J Hoffa.

- Put the rag in.

- Orca.

- Whoa.

- Unbelievable.

- It's a Dick Dale album.

That was inside him.

- I don't believe this.

- That's like.

- Buzzz.

- Typical.

- Hello Mr. Beaker.

What is this, what is this right here?

Look at that.

Mammal eating mammal.

That's the evolution of life right there boys.

- Be the ugliest nerd, I'm laughing.

- It's disgusting.

- So, what is he?

- Don't know.

Anatomically he seems as human as you and me.

His physiology seems to be seriously altered.

No human I know, could eat like that and still surf.

None.

I'm sorry boy.

Chuck, you close him up.

- Okay, up scope Elroy.

All right, time for our lesson today.

All right, form a line, all right, okay.

The only thing we really have to go, let's start.

Okay, walk your nose, walk your nose,

walk your nose, walk your nose.

Hang five, hang five, hang five.

Hang 10, hang 10.

360, 360, 360.

I told you, 360, 360.

All right, shoot the curl, shoot the curl.

Wipe out, wipe out, wipe out,

wipe out, wipe out, wipe out.

Groovy, groovy, groovy, groovy.

Gnarly, gnarly, gnarly, gnarly,

gnarly, gnarly, gnarly, gnarly.

Bitching, really bitching, bitching,

really bitching, bitching.

- The only thing we really have to go on,

is they seem to love this soda.

- Maybe that's what's doing it to them.

Yeah, I was kinda curious about that myself.

So I analyzed it.

It seems to be mostly untreated petroleum waste.

Except for one chemical, even I can't figure out.

There's nothing in this that even resembles soda.

- Well maybe that's it.

- I don't know.

- It might kill you but, turn you into one of those, things.

Oh this is my fancy Avalon table too.

- I can't believe you haven't figured it out by now.

I'm running out.

We're running out of time.

Look at this stuff.

- My bird.

- It's going through the table.

Look at it.

- My gidget box.

Oh.

- Look at that.

- It's grease.

Doesn't that ring a bell?

Haven't you ever wondered why your fathers were

bottling a soft drink at an old oil refinery?

- The rent was cheap.

- Wait a minute.

I bet that's why Jocko and the others

have been drinking motor oil.

Once they get a taste of this stuff, they can't get enough.

- Why would your dad's, Chuck, Bob?

- Bob.

- Chuck.

Chuck, right.

Why would your dads be turning perfectly normal surfers

into an army of gas guzzling junkies?

- Money.

- Yeah.

- And if they get everyone hooked on Buzzz,

they'll control this town.

That's why you've got to get out there and warn people.

Stop that surf contest before it's too late.

- Right.

- What's going on Chief?

I thought the beach was supposed to be closed.

- Take a hike Beaker, I'm busy.

- Hey but this is an emergency.

Our dads Colas might be making people weird.

- Your dads are too busy making payoffs to be making Cola.

They got everybody in on the take,

so that you idiots can have a surf contest

and they can make a killing.

Hey look, my hands are tied.

I can't do anything about this.

Besides, I already lost most of my men.

You want to see something weird?

Take a look at what I got left.

Here, file these.

Jesus.

You want to make a complaint?

Take it up with the town council.

- I'm sorry but you people aren't understanding anything.

We are in the middle of a crisis.

We gotta keep the beaches closed until we figure out,

you know, what's, you know, behind all this.

- Absolutely.

You were brilliant darling, brilliant.

- Look O'Finlay, we know you're upset.

I mean, I would be too, if my kids were running around town

and eating garbage and sucking on dead fish.

- But that's no reason to close the beach

and lose our businesses.

Can you relate?

- What about my poor Big Head?

- Put a bag on it.

- Put two bags on it.

- That's funny.

- Point of order, point of order, we must have order.

In the meantime, I recommend we all settle down

and have another drink.

- I'll have two Bud beers here, two.

- What's the matter?

- Nothing.

It's the sun, it's too bright for my eyes.

- But we're inside.

- Jeez, you should learn to relax.

You look terrible.

- Oh my God.

It's happening.

- Hey, cheers.

- Hey, where's that Budweiser's at?

- Let's go,

- Hold it.

Hold it.

May I say something?

- No.

- As you all know, I teach science at the local high school.

- Yes he does.

- A big deal!

- Take a hike!

- Thank you.

Last night, a few of my students, my kids, your kids,

our kids, came to me with a pretty far out story.

So I did some scientific tests

and what they claim may very well be true.

This Cola maybe causing very serious physiological damage.

- That's right.

- That's right.

- That's very good.

- That's right.

- Bravo.

- Yeah.

- Like what?

- I didn't wanna say it, Bob's dad.

But this Cola may be turning your kids into zombies.

- Oh, honey.

- What a dork.

- Drink some.

- Hold it!

Hold on.

Now we've heard about this ridiculous theory of yours,

Beaker and I just want you to know,

we think you're full of shit.

- Don't!

This is Cola.

- He's bright.

- on shit.

- Very bright.

- Duh.

- What did you expect, motor oil?

- Yes.

- Well, I think we can all see why our esteemed Mr. Beaker

has settled on teaching high school science as a career,

instead of having a respectable job like the rest of us.

Come on Beaker, turn on the porch light pal.

Buzzz Cola isn't hurting anybody.

I mean, sure it's not that healthy, but I mean,

Christ, neither is that other crappy Cola

they're putting on the shelves, you know.

- He's right.

If you're worried about your kids, lock them up, beat them.

Do anything you damn well please.

But for Christ's sake, don't stop innocent kids

from drinking Cola and surfing.

It's the American way.

- Absolutely.

- Surfing's built this town.

It's damn near built this country.

- Beautiful man, just beautiful.

- This is soda.

- It's good.

- It's all settled.

The contest is on.

- Buzzz.

- Hah, what do you think O'Finlay.

- You're both so full of bullshit, you and your Cola.

You wanna know something?

- Yeah, all the way to the bank O'Finlay,

all the way to the bank.

This soda is.

See this, I've gotta speak the language

that you guys are gonna understand, right.

- Ho, ho, ho, hold on, hold on, O'Finlay,

let's be a little rational.

Let's not be irrational.

- Now what?

- We're screwed.

- Please, you guys tell me, do I look any better now?

- Uh-oh.

- Oh this is war.

- What is wrong with you all?

- What time is it?

- It's 11 o'clock.

- I don't understand.

- I'm sorry, it is 11 o'clock.

- No, it should've happened hours ago and it didn't.

- Oh no, 11 o'clock only happens twice a day

in these parts.

- Oh my God.

The surf contest has started.

- Whoa.

Hey look.

That's the girls.

Wow.

I didn't even know they could surf.

- No, they look weird.

Look at Lindy, what's she doing to that guy?

- Oh, boys, Chuck, Bob, Bob, Chuck.

I've got it.

Look at this.

- What is it?

- I don't know.

But I think this has something to do

with what's happening out there.

- Smells like tar.

- This must be the formula to Buzzz Cola.

- Terrific.

Now all we have to do, is find out

who this Menlo Schwartzer character is

and force him to reverse the process.

- Schwartzer?

Isn't that, that guy you showed up with at the theater

the other night?

- Menlo Schwartzer was a genius.

A brilliant chemist.

Talk about having it all.

He was short, ugly, near-sighted

and carried a slide rule.

Then, one day a group of surfers

played a cruel practical joke on him.

They put some chemicals into his soda at lunch.

I don't know what it was.

But it changed him.

Ever since then, the only thing he thought about is revenge.

I ought to know,

I was his girlfriend.

- That's impossible.

The only girl Schwartzer ever hung around with,

was Florinda Budnick, nerdiest girl in the school.

- Florinda Budnick!

- That's the way I looked until Bunny,

I mean Menlo, discovered a way to make me beautiful.

And that's the way I'll look again

unless he gives me my treatments.

That's why I had to help him.

And why I've been so afraid to tell you the truth.

- It's too late to worry about that now.

You boys have got to get out there

and win that surf contest,

while we figure out a way to stop Schwartzer.

- In the bag.

- Satin sheets.

Monogram ties.

Two ounces of the best damn Peruvian flake money can buy.

- Excuse me pop.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey, hey, stop those kids.

- But aren't those your boys?

- Yeah, sure but.

- They just ate.

- Sure, that's it.

- Too soon for them to go in the water.

- Hey, Jocko!

- Hey, sweetheart.

- Whoa!

- No.

- He's in trouble.

- You know where you're going?

- Sure, sure, trust me.

I come here all the time.

- Wow.

He's weird.

- Yeah.

You can't stay here.

- No.

I'll have to deal with him.

- What's that?

- Punks.

They're coming this way.

- Bow, bow!

- Oh shit.

- Let's get outta here.

- Mr. Menlo. Schwartzer.

So you're the mad genius behind all this.

- Given all the evidence,

I think even an egg plant could have figured that out.

But I gotta give you credit,

you were the first one to find me.

You know you're pretty smart

for a high school science teacher, Beaker, old buddy.

But that's not saying much.

Okay, you guys, take them away.

We'll save them for later.

Save it, sweetie, there's lots more to come.

The rest of you guys, get back out there.

Get back to the contest.

- I'm gonna beat that kid like I don't know him.

- We're fucked, can you relate?

- Hey!

Hey!

Now everybody witness, this is important.

- There's a geek out there, under those waves

and he's trying to fully control the coast.

- Yeah and he's doing it with the help of two bogus

businessmen, our fathers.

- Hey!

- Leave them alone, what are you doing?

- Ow.

Bob!

- Thanks guys, I know we could count on you.

- But isn't this taking it a little bit too far?

- Anybody care for a sodi pop?

- What in hells going on here Schwartzer?

Have you lost all your marbles?

- No, but you're about to lose yours.

And that's just for starters, boobies.

You knuckleheads are about to get the royal treatment.

- You'll never get away with this, you schmohead.

- Give it to them guys, give them the works.

That should about do it.

And now ladies and gentlemen, I submit for your approval.

No, no, I'm not gonna tell you, that'll spoil the surprise.

Okay, clamp them in fellas.

Put them in there.

Get them good, yeah.

Yeah.

- Bunny, that's enough.

- Enough!

Why, I just started.

- Please stop.

Before it's too late.

- Too late, that's rich.

It's already too late.

What time is it?

Oh, it's about a quarter, nevermind that.

See what I told you.

There's no hope for these slogs.

- Please, Bunny, for me, I'll come back to you.

I'll make you happy.

My treatments don't seem to wear off anymore.

- Bow, bow.

- I'll give you children.

- No, it's too late for that.

That might've worked once, but not again.

I used to want to be like the other kids, you know.

I wanted to be a surfer.

I wanted to be hip and bitchy and gnarly.

But that's over now.

It all ended one miserable afternoon.

I was having an innocent soda and they spiked it.

And you know with what?

With a powerful reverse sex hormone.

Do you know what it's like to be the only guy

on the beach with tits, it's miserable.

Yeah, go ahead, laugh it up, you guys, you're next.

- Bow, wow.

- Stop that rhinoceros.

His ruining my lab.

Go get him fellas, go after him.

Get him, don't let him ruin my lab.

Don't let him, get him.

Sparkle stop, Sparkle, please get me outta here.

Elroy, turn off the door.

Let me go, no, please.

Stop calling me Bunny.

- Hold on!

- I need another pair of shoes.

- I'll get even, lemme go copper.

Lemme go.

What's your badge number?

I got friends on the force.

Lemme go.

- Oh, Bunny.

- You're all insane, I'll get you.

You haven't heard the last of Menlo Schwartzer.

I'll be back.

I swear, I'll be back.

- Those jerks with their crappy Cola ideas.

- I'm sure they've learned their lessons.

- We can only hope.

At least we've got our men back.

- You said it.

- Wait a minute.

Our dads.

- I fully forgot.

They're still out there.

- Oh, wow.

- Oh, God.

- Whoa.

- What's the matter?

- We're all right.

- Very radical.

- Really.

- Okay, this is Jed the fish,

on our favorite radio station.

- Ready!

- Sorry.

- All right, there we go!

All right!

Very good.

Very good.

- It's so wonderful to see you kids all back together again.

Love your heart.

Oh.

Honey.

- Oh.

- Oh.

- I wanted a fresh fish sandwich, but not this fresh.

- And a little less mayonnaise.

- You don't have to eat it, you know.

Besides, even Bess Myerson makes mistakes.

- Bunny, ow.

You've promised to be sweet.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Well, it won't be long now,

until the effects of Buzzz Cola wear totally off

and everyone is just fab.

- Almost everyone.

- Yeah, I'm not so sure

about our two favorite bimbos over there.

- Hey, those are our festive dads.

- Girls, say Buzzz.

Beautiful.

- Can you relate?

- All right now everyone, repeat after me.

Bitchin'.

- Bitchin'.

- Good.

Gnarly.

- Gnarly.

- Bow, bow.

- Bow, bow.

- Franky Avalon.

- Franky Avalon.

- Good, how about Steve Player.

- Steve Player.

- Bow, bow.

Bow, bow.

- How about, Anette Bortucello.

Anette Bortucello.