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(CELL DOOR SLAMS) (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

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FEMALE OFFICER: Turn.

(BAD TO THE BONE PLAYING)

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

Geez, look at me.

And I thought my yearbook photo sucked.

ABIGAIL: And that's me.

Man, that dress does not look good on anybody.

FEMALE OFFICER: Turn.

"Turn"? What if I don't wanna turn?

Who's gonna turn me, you?

Why don't you turn this?

Something you should know about me,

I have a little problem with authority.

FEMALE OFFICER: Turn.

In second grade, I told our music teacher, Mrs. Florentine,

that if she wanted us to sing like birds,

she should get herself some freakin' birds.

I laughed so hard I peed.

And then we had to sit facing the corner during recess.

BOTH: We've been friends ever since.

PARKER: And that's Rachel. FEMALE OFFICER: Turn.

PARKER: Sweet Rachel.

The only nice one of the bunch of us.

I feel so bad we dragged her into this.

But the thing is, we did it all for her, really we did.

That was the idea, anyway.

You know what, maybe I better explain.

We're bridesmaids.

Not the good kind who love the bride like a sister

and want to make her wedding the most special day ever. No.

PARKER: We're more like the "Avenging angels

"who are gonna give you what's coming to you" type of bridesmaid.

You know what, you're coming in in the middle of things.

So maybe I should back up a bit. Say, 20 years.

So you can meet the fourth member of our little sisterhood.

ABIGAIL: This is where she lived.

Still lives.

It's such an amazing house, it has its own name,

Bellefontaine.

Caitlyn McNabb lives here with her mother

and occasional stepfather.

(GASPS) Oh, and servants, of course.

You need servants when your house has its own zip code.

And by the way, "Bellefontaine" is French

for "My house is so much nicer than your house will ever be."

It's a good thing Caitlyn was an only child.

She didn't do sharing very well.

She was much better at taking.

But we didn't mind.

We were just little girls blinded by the magic of Bellefontaine.

Could you blame us?

There were tea parties on the lawn with homemade biscuits.

And a secret staircase.

You got to it from inside of this huge wardrobe.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

And it led all the way to the backyard.

Coast's clear. Come on.

We felt so lucky to be there.

Oh, and when we didn't, Caitlyn would remind us

how lucky we were to be there.

YOUNG CAITLYN: ...eight, nine, ten.

Ready or not, here I come.

So, then we play our own little version of hide-and-seek.

(SHUSHING) (GIGGLING)

Rachel! Abigail! Parker!

And we called it "I know a place where Caitlyn can't find us."

It was a pretty spot and under a cherry tree.

But then, Rachel would feel guilty and we'd all go back...

CAITLYN: Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess that lived...

...and listen to Caitlyn

talk about Caitlyn and make up stories about Caitlyn.

Got married, and lived happily ever after.

Her house, her rules, her ego.

(ALL HUMMING)

CAITLYN: Yoo-hoo! Here I come.

Wait.

What's that?

I'm the groom.

No, you're all bridesmaids.

There has to be a groom.

Nuh-uh. It's my wedding. Mom!

(SIGHS IN ANNOYANCE)

Your dress looks really pretty.

Well, duh. Of course it does.

Mother!

ABIGAIL: There she is, like most normal nine year olds

wearing a wedding dress.

Right now we're playing her favorite game, wedding.

And we're losing.

(GROANS)

OLIVIA: Honeybelle, what?

What are these girls doing to you?

They're not listening.

YOUNG PARKER: It's a wedding, Caitlyn,

there has to be a groom.

My, don't you think a lot.

Well, doesn't there? OLIVIA: Well, yes.

Technically, dear. But it's not very important.

Here, let's use this chair.

Thank you, Abigail.

There. Isn't he handsome?

And from a wealthy family, I understand.

Lovely bride. Thank you, Mother.

(GIRLS CHATTERING)

(CHUCKLING)

ABIGAIL: This was our life with Caitlyn...

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

...pretty much through high school.

She called the shots and we played the parts.

Why? It's a small town. You take what you can get.

And in Lambert, Louisiana, we got Miss Caitlyn McNabb.

After college, my folks moved out west,

and Parker and I both headed for New York.

I got a book published.

(CHUCKLING) It sold okay, you know, for a first novel.

The second one is coming along slowly, very slowly.

Meanwhile, Parker went the acting route.

She did a bunch of plays off Broadway.

Well, off, off, off Broadway.

I mean, she was good.

But we always kept in touch with Rachel, who never left Lambert.

She was going out with this guy Tony she was crazy about.

And that seemed to be enough for her.

I mean, from what I knew.

I don't get back home much.

Parker goes back a lot.

She actually likes her parents.

And that's how we ended up in Lambert last week.

Her parents' 30th anniversary, and she dragged me along.

Parker's dad was taking her mom on the cruise she'd always wanted.

But first, the mandatory party where every living relative

can ask us why we aren't married or famous yet.

And Parker does plays in New York all the time.

Don't you, dear?

Uh, well, I... I audition all the time.

(PARKER LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

ABIGAIL: This is why I don't get back much.

Sometimes I get callbacks.

Which is sort of like a chance to audition again.

You know what, she's constantly in plays,

and she's fabulous.

(LAUGHS) Oh, she gets that from me.

You got to lie to them. Tell them what they want to hear.

And how about you, Abby?

You got another book coming out?

(CHUCKLES)

Yes, she does.

She has a huge book coming out. (CHUCKLES)

But she's sworn to secrecy by her publisher.

Oh.

You know, Mom, I'm going to go check my voicemail.

Oh, is it about an audition?

Maybe.

Good luck!

Knock 'em dead!

Great being home, isn't it?

Surrounded by familiar faces

that will never understand you.

Air, I need air.

We're outside.

Air without relatives.

Oh! Ah! Is that Parker Wald I see?

And Abigail? No. Abigail Scanlon.

Oh, my God, it's Caitlyn.

Run for your life.

I can't, I'm in heels.

Oh, my goodness, get over here.

It has just been forever.

Mother! Mother!

You remember Parker and Abigail.

Yes.

Hey, Rach! Rachel! Hey!

PARKER: Hey! ABIGAIL: Hey!

Did you change your e-mail?

I've been trying to get a hold of you. I'm sorry. I...

Oh! Oh, my goodness, y'all don't even know why I am here.

These are my bridesmaids.

Yup. I'm getting married!

To a groom or a chair?

Oh, you and your little quips.

You know, the wedding's in 10 days.

And I so wanted to invite y'all,

but Mother said she couldn't find your addresses anywhere.

I'm sure if you called Parker's parents...

What's that, Parker, like 30 years in the same house?

I'm sure they could have told you.

Oh, gosh! Well, of course! Mother.

Goodness me, you're right.

Next time, huh?

Oh, oh, oh, let me introduce you to everyone.

Rachel you know of course.

And these are my other super bridesmaids.

Bitsy, Ashley and Ashlie.

Oh, you're not hearing double.

They're both really named Ashley.

I spell it "ie" and she spells it "ey."

Some people get confused.

ASHLIE: But not us. Right, Ash?

You got it, Ash.

(WOMEN GIGGLING)

Oh, my God.

BITSY: Oh, look at that ring. (EXHALES)

Picture. Oh, yes.

So, Rachel, you're a bridesmaid.

I so wish I could come to the wedding.

I could meet Tony. He's going to be there, right?

BITSY: Say "cheese."

Uh, yes.

Oh, is that him?

I recognize him from your PhotoBox.

Nice, sister.

OLIVIA: There's our gorgeous groom.

CAITLYN: Oh, Tony-Bear! We have been waiting for you!

(CHUCKLING)

TONY: All right, then, bridesmaids, groomsmen, let's get this lunch moving.

CAITLYN: Oh, you, stop.

Someone has a game he wants to catch at 3:00, hmm?

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH SIGH)

Excuse me for a moment.

All right, y'all. Let's go.

BITSY: Oh, okay.

OLIVIA: Gregory, dear... Oh, my goodness. So good seeing y'all.

Close your mouths.

Rachel an old friend of yours?

And I'm guessing you haven't talked to her in a while.

So, yeah, that's the Tony that Rachel used to go out with.

Although we can't officially acknowledge that ever happened.

So, this is me not acknowledging.

You're Henry Kent. You used to have big ears and a slutty sister.

I grew into my ears.

And I'll tell Carol you said hi.

Thank you.

I don't remember you. Really?

We only had Bio together twice and I asked you to prom.

What? No, I'm just kidding.

(SIGHS IN RELIEF) I was two years older

and I spent most of high school tripping over my ears.

So, you still live in Lambert?

Yeah, still live in Lambert.

I'm sorry, no, I didn't mean it like that.

Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. Let's go find Rach.

Okay.

See you around. Bye.

Cute! I know.

Now, you two just have to stay for the wedding.

Oh, we would love to,

but I have this big audition.

And I have to re-curl my weave.

(LAUGHS) You... Listen to you.

Y'all know you want to come to this wedding.

And Mother and I would just adore to have you.

Mother!

Have a safe trip back.

Well, we would.

Please think about it.

Okay.

Just let's go find Rachel.

(RACHEL SOBBING)

Rach! Rachel!

Rachel, honey, are you in there?

RACHEL: It's okay, I'm doing fine.

(RACHEL BLOWING NOSE)

You have been dating Tony for like ever.

You said he was the one. What happened?

Yeah, why the hell didn't you call us?

'Cause you would've been mad and yelled at me.

You're damn right!

(SNIFFLING)

She stole him from you, didn't she?

No, no. Caitlyn's a good friend.

After all, she asked me to be her bridesmaid.

And why did you say yes?

Because I was brought up well.

Oh, honey, what are you gonna do?

I'm going to put on that ugly fuchsia dress

and march in that bridal procession

and show the whole world that I'm completely and totally over Tony Penning.

Oh, my God.

That's an air-tight plan.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Holy smokes!

ASHLEY: What's wrong?

Um, you know what?

Rachel just found out

that she signed up for a phone plan that doesn't have texting.

Three years, no refund. (BOTH GASP)

Oh, you should've asked me.

Yuh-huh. Ashley knows all the phone plans.

I do. But Ashlie knows where to find the best frozen yogurt anywhere.

ABIGAIL: So, wait, let me get this straight.

One of you guys fills in what the other doesn't know.

BOTH: Mmm-hmm.

That's pretty awesome.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

ABIGAIL: Can you believe Caitlyn?

PARKER: Poor Rachel. I know.

I mean, it's crazy!

Tell me about it.

PENNY: Lou, I still need the big suitcase.

Well, that's why I'm getting it.

What could Tony possibly see in Caitlyn?

Boobs. He's a guy.

It's a business transaction.

What? A business transaction?

I really shouldn't say anything.

Have some wine, Lou.

Did you hear something down at the bank?

Daddy?

Well, three months ago, Olivia put Bellefontaine up for sale.

What? They've owned it forever.

Olivia ran through a third husband's money,

was having trouble finding number four.

Gold-diggin' is a young person's game.

And Tony's family? Loaded.

A day after the engagement,

Olivia took the place off the market.

PENNY: Lou!

Sex for money?

It's good to see traditional marriage is alive and well.

(EXCLAIMS) Poor Rachel. We should tell her.

Tell her a she-witch stole the love of her life?

I think she knows that, Parker.

Okay, but it's wrong! It's evil, okay?

We can't just drop it like... (RINGING)

Oh, it's my agent. I've got to take it.

Hello? ALICE: Parker darling?

Oh, hey, Alice.

Oh! The audition. I almost forgot about it.

When do they want to see me?

Oh, okay. I see.

(STAMMERING) Not... Okay. Love you, too.

Good news?

Not even a reading. Nothing.

You know what, the play was flawed.

The female characters were completely underwritten.

It really wasn't even worth my time.

You wanted it bad, didn't you? So much.

Yeah, I know. Here, babe, take this,

and I'll get some more for me.

WOMAN ON TV: Well, how was I supposed to know, silly?

A girl's not a mind reader, you know. MAN: Darling...

PARKER: How could Rachel and Tony have mucked this up?

They were perfect for each other.

You never met him. I'm highly intuitive.

They were meant for each other,

and now Tony is gonna marry Caitlyn. (BRIDAL MARCH PLAYING ON TV)

And Rachel's gonna have her heart broken forever.

(SWITCHES OFF TV)

Three thousand years of watching romantic comedies

and it's just one big stinking lie.

I mean, the couple stumbles around for two hours

and then miraculously, five minutes before the credits roll,

they realize that they're meant to be together?

(LAUGHS)

That is not how life works, my friend.

Action movies have it right.

You hate action movies.

I hate them because they're right.

In action movies, some psychopath takes 25 sweet people hostage

and he's gonna kill 'em all.

And then Bruce Willis... Or Denzel.

Also good. He puts together an elite SWAT team

of Navy SEALs, and they go behind enemy lines

and they do what has to be done.

They wipe out the henchmen,

the psychopath dies a spectacular death,

and the sweet people go free.

That's what you need to make love work,

a ruthless SWAT team with guns.

Gavin still hasn't called yet? No.

He went to LA for pilot season

with his cute scene partner...

BOTH: ...that he swears he's not sleeping with. Ha!

You should not date actors.

Who else do I meet?

Oh, you met that really cute guy Henry today.

And he liked you.

No. He did not like me.

Okay, yeah, he did like me. But he is a trap.

There's like 300 of them in every hometown.

Nice, regular guy, unpretentious.

You go out on one date

and all of a sudden you wake up 10 years later

with six kids, a fat ass, and ugly pink sweatpants.

You like him.

You really, really like him.

(STAMMERS) I do not.

What are you going to do when he calls?

He's not going to call because nice guys don't call me.

Just selfish actors who screw their scene partners.

And what are we going to do about Rachel?

I say we go full bore SWAT team

and break up Caitlyn and Tony.

Okay, no more wine for you.

No, I'm serious, right?

That's what Will Smith or Matt Damon

or any of those hot action guys would've done.

We sneak into the compound, we bust stuff the hell up.

What are we gonna do, disguise ourselves as German officers?

Exactly.

(CHUCKLES) All right. What the hell are you talking about?

I'm saying, we wear the uniform of the enemy.

Bridesmaids.

She already has her bridesmaids.

Okay, then two of them "have a little accident."

Parker,

if anyone deserves to be knocked down a couple of pegs, it's Caitlyn.

Rachel had one thing she loved in life and Caitlyn took it.

Are you really gonna let her get away with that?

Do you really think we could take down Caitlyn?

And do you think we could stop this wedding?

We can do anything. Why?

Because we're sophisticated babes from New York.

Or as Miss Olivia would put it,

"You girls are just a little too thinky."

All right.

I'm starting to like it.

Caitlyn is going down.

Yes!

The Thinky Girls are back. Yes!

To love. To Rachel.

To the defeat of the Third Reich!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Mmm. Girls, you're so right.

This is the best frozen yogurt in all of Lambert.

Told you.

Aren't you glad you called us?

So glad.

We owe you Ashleys. We really owe them.

Yeah, but what can we give them that they don't have?

(SIGHS) Huh... Well...

How's it going up at the house?

You guys getting along with Olivia?

It's okay.

Yeah. Not so bad.

Ashleys! Come on. We're yogurt pals now.

Share.

We can't do anything right.

She's always on our case.

And she treats us like we're big dopes.

Can you believe that?

This is how we can help them.

You mean our secret Olivia tip?

You're right. Yeah, she always liked us.

Really?

Look, girls, you have to understand.

I mean, Olivia's under a lot of pressure right now,

wedding and everything. BOTH: Uh-huh.

Is she drinking?

Yes. Constantly.

That's what happens. ABIGAIL: Yeah, here's the trick.

When she's drinking, tell her to slow down.

Like, in front of everybody?

That's the only way it works.

What we used to do is we would count her drinks and then we'd let her know.

Mmm-hmm.

PARKER: She'd always thank us in the morning.

We could do that. Yeah, we could.

Do it, you'll be golden.

How's the frozen yogurt?

It's really cold. (LAUGHS)

If I eat it too fast, my brain freezes.

(BOTH ASHLEYS CHUCKLE)

How can you tell?

And the trap is set.

Their poor frozen brains never stood a chance.

Well, you pick up a few skills when you live in the big city.

How the world works.

Oh, my God, they're towing my mom's car!

No! Hey!

Hey, what are you doing?

Where did that come from?

Been up there for about three years.

Okay, well, we didn't know 'cause we don't live here anymore.

We live in New York City.

Hey, Dougie, how's it going?

Livin' the dream, Henry. How about you?

I'm good. Can you give me a sec?

(SIGHS)

There's your boy. Okay.

(INAUDIBLE)

My mistake.

It turns out you can park here

if you're back in town for your parents' anniversary.

So cute. Okay.

So cute.

Hi. Hi.

You know, I think I lost something somewhere.

I'm gonna go look for it in case I did.

I like your friend.

How did you do that?

I pulled a thorn out of his paw a few years back.

Or I'm a cop and Dougie owes me a favor.

You're a cop?

Wow, that sounded awful. I'm...

Let me try that again.

Oh, so you're in law enforcement?

That sounds like very important work.

That wasn't much better either.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

I like seeing you rattled. It's cute.

So, listen, Parker...

Look, I...

I think you're really nice

and I so appreciate what you just did right there,

but I don't think it would be smart for...

Take it easy. Nobody's asking anybody out.

Oh.

Just wanna say be sure you read

all of our small-town parking signs,

and you have yourself a safe trip back to the big city.

Okay?

That's it?

My mother's great grandfather built Bellefontaine

with his own two hands.

Oh, Mr. Woodward, it would be such an honor

to have it grace the cover of your magazine.

Now, I'm just writing the article, Miss Caitlyn.

I can't guarantee you a cover.

Well, I see there are no weight restrictions

on the brides you feature.

That gown must've taken all the lace in England that year.

That's the Governor's niece you're referring to.

She has a lovely complexion.

Mmm.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Did you know, Mr. Woodward,

that all the bridesmaids are living here at Bellefontaine

right up until the wedding?

And staying at such a magnificent home,

why, it's like living in a fairyland.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

(WHISPERS) Now you. Oh, yes.

You know, all the girls are staying right here at Bellefontaine

up until the wedding.

I said that part. And um...

Snowglobe. Yes.

This home is so beautiful, isn't it?

It's like an idyllic scene in a snowglobe.

Oh!

That is so sweet of you to say.

More sherry, anyone?

Oh, yes, precious, I believe I will.

Number three!

I beg your pardon?

Oh, that's your third glass of sherry.

Actually, it's her fourth.

She had a little nip in the kitchen.

But I think that was scotch.

What are you doing?

Helping.

We know you're under a lot of pressure,

and we certainly don't want to see you get hammered

like you did Wednesday night.

When you fell into the duck pond.

And told the gardener your hedge needed trimming.

So, we'll be here counting your drinks every day.

And night, when you really go to town.

How thoughtful of you.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

I think those girls gave us bad advice.

Boy, I think you're right.

Well, apparently, some of Caitlyn's old rivals

were pulling some silly sorority stunt.

(LAUGHING) Oh, why thank you, Mr. Woodward, I knew you'd understand.

So, we'll see you and your photographer tomorrow morning?

Wonderful. Okay. Bye, now.

Oh! Mama!

(EXCLAIMING) Fantastic news!

Abby and Parker have changed their plans.

Because of me! They're going to stay in town for the wedding.

Isn't that just the best?

Mmm.

Oh, don't worry, we'll sit in the back.

We're not going to make a peep.

PARKER: Yeah, we don't even need to be in the photos.

(LAUGHING) It's not like we're bridesmaids or anything.

Oh, my gosh.

Lightbulb!

What if you were bridesmaids?

No! I mean, it would...

Yes! It would be a dream come true.

PARKER: Yeah.

Caitlyn, may I have a word with you?

(GIGGLES)

(WHISPERING) They are not bridesmaid material.

Mom, it's okay.

Listen to me... It's my wedding and I want my bridesmaids.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Mama has something to say.

Yes.

Mother?

We would be honored if you would...

Oh, for gosh sakes. You're my new bridesmaids!

No way!

Yay! Shut up!

Yes, yes, yes! Amazing!

PARKER: Okay, here we are.

Got cherubs?

There's something I've learned in life,

you can never have too many cherubs.

All right, Sarge, we're behind enemy lines. What's next?

Why are you asking me?

Because you're the plotter.

Didn't Publishers Weekly call you inventive?

"Abigail Scanlon is in full command of her narrative."

I will give you that one.

All right, break up the couple. Break up the wedding couple.

(GASPS) I got it! You sleep with the groom.

Huh, yeah. We help our friend Rachel

by me sleeping with the love of her life.

Hey, I never said there wouldn't be any casualties.

(GASPS) Uh... You sleep with Caitlyn.

Why do all of your plans have me sleeping with someone?

Is this how you see me?

A little bit.

All right. Well, if Tony's like most guys,

me and Caitlyn in bed together will not be a deal breaker.

I wonder where they have Rachel stashed?

Probably in the "Ha, ha, stole your boyfriend" room.

No, she's in the Persimmon Room.

How do you know?

Oh, it's right here, under "Room Assignments"

in the Bridesmaids' News.

Oh, of course.

An in-home published newspaper about your very own wedding.

Guess who made the cover? Caitlyn.

You know, I really think that we're over-thinking this.

If we want to get Rachel and Tony back together,

well, let's just get Rachel and Tony back together.

We can fix her up a bit,

boost her confidence, and then throw 'em in a room together.

They were cooking before. Come on, let's turn up the flame a little bit,

and then I do not have to sleep with anyone.

You okay with that?

Oh, behold! The Persimmon Room. (LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)

(WHISPERS) Rachel?

(GASPS) What are you guys doing here? How'd you get in?

We're the new bridesmaids.

Really? Does Olivia know?

OLIVIA: Yes, she does.

Is there something wrong with your room, girls?

No, I just wanted to check out the Persimmon Room.

It's clearly stated in the newsletter that lights out is 11:00 p.m.

A curfew? Are you kidding me?

(CHUCKLING) By which she means, "Yes, ma'am."

Good night then, Rachel.

Good night. Good night.

It's off to bed. Mmm-hmm.

I know why you're here. I know exactly what you're planning.

You think being a bridesmaid is a little game.

You're here to laugh at our expense.

No, we take what we're doing here very seriously.

Yeah, like we're on a mission or something.

This wedding is in eight days.

I expect you to honor the sacred trust that Caitlyn has bestowed upon you.

We do understand each other, don't we?

Yeah. Good.

Well, I'm glad we've had this little talk.

Now you two girls get to bed.

You need your beauty sleep.

Especially you, Abigail.

(GRUNTING) No, no, no.

(EXCLAIMING)

(GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMS)

(DOOR OPENING)

(HUMMING BUGLE REVEILLE)

Rise and shine, sleepyheads! Extra, extra, read all about it!

Y'all made the front page.

Look, "Old pals join bridal fun!

"Caitlyn tickled pink!"

Now, breakfast is in half an hour on the east porch.

Yum, yum.

Then at 8:00, ladies, it's time to turn on the charm

because Wedding Belles of the South magazine

will be here for interviews and photos.

Then at 11:00, oh, get ready.

(IMITATING DRUMROLL PLAYING)

Your first dress fitting.

Oh, and there's so much more after that.

Y'all need to get moving, okay?

Let's go! Chop-chop! Bye!

She keeps this up, this is gonna need an obituary page.

(SIGHS)

Well, being selected Caitlyn's maid of honor

is so completely the most important thing

that has ever happened in my entire

life.

Oh!

I'm sorry.

It's just ever since we were freshmen rushes at Gamma Kappa,

Caitlyn and I have been like sisters. More than sisters.

We're like two big halves of one big Siamese twin.

(LAUGHS)

The funny thing is, she's happier than we are.

Morning, ladies.

Hey. Oh, okay.

(IN SINGSONG VOICE) Okay, girls.

The better the interviews, the more likely we are to get the cover.

I hope you're both thinking of lots of colorful anecdotes.

Yeah, that's what we're doing over here.

Yeah, I tried a couple of jokes on the butler. Freakin' killed.

(LAUGHS) Oh, Abigail, you're just a regular, old Dane Cook sometimes.

But seriously, when it's your turn to be interviewed,

please, no frowny faces, no sassy attitude,

and remember, you are the bridal support.

And, oh, dear God, please, none of that other thing you do.

Oh, you mean sarcasm?

None of that.

Caitlyn, I could never be sarcastic with you.

Thank you.

Here we are, ladies. Eggs Benedict

with a rasher of applewood smoked bacon for Miss Parker.

And for Miss Abigail, spelt toast, dry, and soy bacon bits.

This spelt toast, what, that means somebody ate it already?

OLIVIA: I'll take care of this.

Abigail, our bridesmaids dresses aren't going to impress in the plus sizes.

And we think, with a little work,

you could lose 10 pounds this week.

If you cut off my leg.

(OLIVIA CHUCKLES)

Now, it's not just diet,

we're bringing in a personal trainer for you.

And trust me, she is a miracle worker.

I need a miracle?

Look, I know you don't want to hear this right now,

but this is seriously the best eggs Benedict that I've ever had.

RACHEL: We've been best friends since kindergarten.

Abigail, Parker and Caitlyn.

We used to play wedding, right there on that lawn.

And now it's a real wedding.

Yes. It is.

When you see Caitlyn and Tony together,

bride and groom, how does that make you feel?

Um...

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

I'm so, so sorry.

What a sweet dear friend she is.

Rachel! Rachel! Rach.

Rachel! Rach!

They used to run after each other like that when they were children.

Such memories!

ABIGAIL: Rach! Rachel!

Rachel! Rachel! Rachel!

ABIGAIL: Slow down!

Rachel!

Rachel! Rach!

Come on! Rach!

Hey, how those eggs Benedict treating you right now, huh?

Oh, I figured they'd ask me about Caitlyn,

but I did not think they would ask me about Tony.

(WHIRRING)

Look, it's gonna be okay. We're gonna fix everything.

Excuse me! We're trying to have a conversation!

Can you wrap it up?

(WHIRRING STOPS)

Thank you. You're a prince.

What do you mean you're gonna fix everything?

That's why the Ashleys are gone and we're here.

You did that? Yes, we did.

And we did it for you. We're gonna help you get Tony back.

So spruce it on up, girl. You gotta look pretty.

Yes, he's gonna fall in love with you all over again.

No, he can't.

Yes, he can. Come on, there's still plenty...

No, they have to get married.

Whose side are you on?

It's a secret. It's a big secret.

I'm not supposed to tell anyone, so I can't! Spill it!

Caitlyn's pregnant.

What?

And it's Tony's.

So they have to get married.

(SNIFFLING)

That sweet little baby cannot grow up without a daddy.

RACHEL: It always felt weird with me and Tony's family.

They think anybody who isn't rich like them is some sort of gold-digger.

But that isn't me.

Oh, we know, honey.

They made me feel so uncomfortable.

Then one day, Tony made this joke

about how I liked their big sailboat, and I lost it.

I said, "If that's what you think I am, then we should just break up right now."

I didn't mean it. I was just upset and mad.

When I finally got up the nerve to call and say I was sorry,

somebody else had swooped in and grabbed him.

Hmm. Yeah, let me guess. Our lifelong friend Caitlyn.

Yeah. She threw herself at him.

Under him, more likely.

He only slept with her once, but that was enough.

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, just like my mom always said.

How do you know she was pregnant?

She told me. She said she went to Dr. Wallach.

They did a test. Baby.

So now they have to get married.

Tony's doing the right thing.

He always does the right thing.

Except playing that game of happy-slappy with Caitlyn.

Promise me you will not break up this wedding.

Promise?

(SIGHS)

Fine. All right, we promise.

You know what, that gold-digger's pregnant

and it's a shotgun wedding?

This marriage gets more traditional all the time.

What are we gonna do?

Nothing. We just buck up and be sweet little bridesmaids to that bitch

and her hellish mother.

(EXCLAIMING ANGRILY) This is not fun anymore.

Caitlyn, if I'm gonna stage this,

we need the groom and his groomsmen.

Your mother never kept her husbands for very long,

but she certainly knew how to get them to show up on time

for all the rehearsals.

Thank you, Charlotte.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

(GASPS)

Yay!

Got your groom, ma'am.

Sorry we're late.

Four guys trying on tuxes, you can't pull them away.

CHARLOTTE: Settle down. Now first thing, we need to match our groomsmen

with our bridesmaids for the processional.

We'll do this by height because this day is all about aesthetics.

MAN: Okay.

HENRY: Hi. Hi.

You had me at "Hello."

Oh. I didn't say hello.

Gary, in heels she's gonna be a lot taller.

Yeah, Gary, he's right.

I think I'm the girl for you.

Plus, I am just dazzled by a guy that can rock plaid, so...

Mmm.

Kind of surprised to see you two here instead of Team Ashley.

Oh, yeah, well, they had to present this big paper at MIT,

and, you know, Caitlyn asked us to fill in.

You do know that I'm a detective for a living.

Well, in that case,

I'm not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

Even if I invite you to dinner?

I can't. We're on lockdown here.

No dinners out. No men upstairs.

Too bad. I'm just trying to get a little background

on the woman I'm walking down the aisle with.

New York actress. Gone next Monday.

(BELL TINKLING)

You two, let's go.

Plenty of time to hit on her

when you're tanked at the reception.

Thank you.

CHARLOTTE: Oh, dear, I don't know.

Livvy, the dress was made for one of those

shapely Ashley girls you discarded.

This bony child has no rump at all.

Where's your bottom, dear?

Charlotte, this girl is as good as we can get.

We're just gonna have to soldier on.

Pin, my dear, till your hands bleed.

Uh, hey, excuse me. I don't think that this dress fits anybody.

Ah, a woman built to bear children.

Excuse me?

If only there was a way of transplanting some of your womanly abundance

to the one built like a little boy.

A boy? Have you not seen these babies?

Charlotte, she's going to lose 10 pounds by the wedding.

I'm sorry. Why don't you try to alter the dresses

instead of the bridesmaids?

Abigail, dear Abigail.

You're going to be standing in front of

hundreds of people next Saturday.

You don't want them looking at you

and recalling that hateful nickname they used to have for you.

What was it again?

Flabigail.

(GASPS)

Young people can be so cruel.

(SIGHS)

(CLATTERING)

Soup? Are you frickin' kidding me?

Figured I'd find you down here.

They moved everything. Everything.

This cabinet... This cabinet used to be full of cookies.

Always. Even the Little Debbie cakes with the pink wrapper.

I could count on it.

And now she's starving me for 24 hours,

and what does she give me in my happy cabinet? A frickin' can of tomato soup!

You know what?

Fine.

(SLURPING) Mmm.

It's not that bad.

Can I buy you a round?

No.

Flabigail.

She really put the knife in on that one.

Well, pull it right back out. She was just trying to get to you.

One word and that sad little 12-year-old girl was back.

But now you're beautiful.

And you're a very successful New York writer.

Who's hitting her head up against the wall

because she has not one idea for her second novel.

Not one. Nothing.

I'm blocked, I'm spent,

I'm a has-been after one book.

Cold spaghetti?

Give it to me.

Mmm. Mmm-hmm. Nuh-uh.

Okay.

Remember when we used to sneak down that secret passageway

and make snacks for movie night?

(LAUGHS) Always the same snacks, right?

It was s'mores and pink lemonade.

And always the same movie.

BOTH: An Officer and a Gentleman.

For two years, that's the only movie Caitlyn would ever let us watch.

Oh, my God, that's it.

Okay, Caitlyn's not pregnant.

Ready? Officer and a Gentleman,

Lisa Eilbacher pretended to be pregnant

so that David Keith will marry her.

Caitlyn is Lisa Eilbacher. Oh, it's so obvious.

She went to Dr. Wallach, Abigail. She got a test.

No. Mmm-mmm. I don't think she did.

I think Caitlyn is lying.

Okay, you might need a little proof of that.

I'll get you some proof, Little Miss Skeptical No Butt.

We move at dawn.

Let's get going, we need our sleep. Let's go!

And I need my spaghetti.

Oh, yeah.

PARKER: Oh!

KELTON: Well, good morning, bridesmaids.

What are you ladies up to?

Uh, we were just gonna go into town.

Yeah, I need to run an errand.

You know, Miss Olivia doesn't like people driving off,

doing their own thing, now.

I need tampons.

Well, have a good day.

ABIGAIL: Bye!

Hi, how are you?

Come on.

Hi, we're here from, uh...

Filex Cabinets.

Uh-huh.

Yes. You obviously got the recall notice.

The what?

The recall notice, sweetheart. Don't you read the news?

Yeah, a lot of our filing cabinets have been collapsing.

Apparently the titanium brackets have a little too much alloy in them.

Yeah, way too much.

These cabinets were purchased after 1970?

Um, I started here in June.

Then we need to check those, don't we?

Okay. Let's go. (DOOR BUZZING)

I'm gonna pick a file at random.

You know what, how about "M"?

"M." Middle letter. Very wise.

Oh, my God. Those glasses are so cute.

Thank you.

They must have been really expensive.

No, I bought them online.

$20.

Get out of here! Would it be okay if I tried them on?

Oh.

Thanks.

Oh. Wow, they're so comfy. How do I look?

Blurry. I can't see a thing without my glasses.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Have you ever tried contacts?

Because, you know, your eyes are really pretty.

Oh, I did, but don't they hurt?

Beauty is pain, girlfriend!

(EXCLAIMING ANGRILY) She's pregnant!

That's just an expression that we use to mean

that this cabinet is crazy full and it's about to go.

So, we need to get that report in right away.

Absolutely. Okay.

Here are your glasses. Thank you.

Stay clear of those.

(PARKER LAUGHS)

Lab report with urine test.

"McNabb comma Caitlyn. Bun in oven."

What about An Officer and a Gentleman?

Just like every other romantic movie, okay? It let us down.

ALL: Mmm. Mmm.

That was the orange ginger.

Bitsy, don't copy off me.

I wasn't!

Girls, do I have to separate the two of you?

This next one is red velvet.

Very daring for a wedding.

What do you think, honey?

It's really good. I like it.

Men. Put food in their mouths and that's all they need.

Not all. At least not in my experience.

Which is no doubt extensive.

You like it? Sweetheart, that's what you said about the last three.

I like cake. All cake.

Cake and me, we just get along.

Tony-Bear, participate.

Come on, we need an opinion from the groom.

Look, Caitlyn, I'm doing what everybody wants here.

It's just cake.

Yes, you do like milk with your cake.

Why don't you go get some milk, hmm?

I think I will.

He's just getting some milk.

OLIVIA: Well, if he's going to have milk,

I think we should all have a sherry.

Mmm.

Oh. Uh... Oh.

Sorry. Bye. (STAMMERING)

Rach, don't go.

It's okay. We can be in the same room together.

No, I don't think we can.

Do you hate me that much?

Is that what you think?

I'm trying not to think anymore.

I'm just doing what I have to do.

One stupid mistake,

and I'm gonna be paying for it for the rest of my life.

I miss you so much.

And I'm the one who messed this up,

and I wish I could go back. But it's too late.

Rachel.

I love you.

I always will.

(SOFTLY) I love you, too.

There's not much we can do about it, though.

It's just nice to know.

CAITLYN: Tony-Bear! This carrot cake is to die for!

And then we both said we still love each other.

(RACHEL LAUGHS)

I haven't been this happy in months. Isn't it wonderful?

No, no. It's not wonderful.

It's the opposite of wonderful.

He's marrying someone else,

and not just any someone else,

he's marrying Caitlyn McNabb,

the great biatch de les biatches.

(BLOWS)

(CRYING)

Hey, Parker, I heard there are some little kids playing outside,

why don't you go out there and tell 'em they're all gonna die someday?

Okay. What are we all doing here, seriously?

We're miserable. We should just crash the gate and go.

No! You can't go.

If you all left, I'd be a mess.

We don't want that to happen now, do we?

Go wash your face.

Okay.

We cannot leave her.

Then what are we gonna do?

We can't break up a wedding if we can't break up the couple.

Oh, don't worry about it, okay? I will find a way.

Why? Because I'm Abigail Scanlon, master of the narrative.

I thought you were blocked and a has-been.

Not yet I'm not. We'll figure this out.

I'm sorry.

Bitsy, you got something for Tony, but nothing for me?

Come on. Feet apart. (PANTING)

Kick it.

Harder and higher!

Come on, no resting!

(GRUNTS)

Hey, you, we need a ring bearer, not a clown.

You're not to smile. This is not about you.

Mom!

You. You're it!

(SIGHS)

FEMALE TRAINER: All right now. Good. Harder!

Come back here!

Let's go! That's right. Time's a-wasting!

♪ Something old Something new

♪ Something borrowed Something blue

♪ But all I need is something new

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ All I need is something new ♪

Well, I think we finally have an arrangement that works for everybody.

Thank you, Charlotte.

Yes. You are a genius.

(ALL GASPING) No!

(SIGHS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

Ooh.

Was that something important?

(SOBS)

Some candid pics of fun with my bridesmaids.

This is the big pillow fight, okay?

(SIGHING) I hate pillow fights.

Oh, don't be a big poop!

Abigail, easy.

(EXCLAIMS)

(LAUGHING) BITSY: Oh! Ow!

(RACHEL GASPS)

BITSY: I'm okay. Oh...

(GROANS) Okay. Oh!

Ow!

Can I have some help? (EXCLAIMS)

(LAUGHING) Oh, we're having so much fun!

(BITSY EXCLAIMING) (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

♪ 'Cause I just don't let you see

♪ How much I want you

♪ I feel so lucky it seems that it's...

♪ Uh-uh, uh-uh It's dangerous ♪

Ooh, we get a choice.

"At 8:00 p.m., scrapbooking in Caitlyn's room,

"Sleepless in Seattle in the den,

"or making popcorn balls in the kitchen."

How about if I jump out the window of the "Stir Crazy" room?

Parker, you ditched "I Love the '80s" karaoke

two nights in a row, all right?

You can't sit in here and mope all night.

Amazingly, I can.

Seriously, come on, get up.

You want to leave Rachel suffering out there by herself?

Fine. But I hate you.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) (GASPS) Oh!

Henry Kent.

You look cute. Answer it. (CLEARS THROAT)

Yes?

Yeah, hi, it's Henry Kent,

small-town police detective.

Oh, hi.

Very casual. Nice.

I know that it's a long shot,

and I know it's tough getting out of the compound...

Dinner? Yes, absolutely.

Well, great.

How about Crawdid's in 20 minutes? It's still there, right?

It was this morning.

See you there.

(IN SINGSONG VOICE) I have a date.

I have a date. I have a date.

Fine. But I hate you back.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Do that move again.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

CAITLYN: Yay! Abigail's here. BITSY: Yay!

RACHEL: Uh-oh!

(IN SINGSONG VOICE) I have a date.

WOMAN: ♪ Want to ask you something, man

MAN: ♪ Here we go! ♪

If you hadn't called me, right now I'd be pasting baby pictures

of Caitlyn on a page called, "Cute as a Button."

They're pretty hard-core up there, huh?

We wear matching pajamas.

Ooh.

So, I'm still a little curious as to why you stuck around in town.

I quickly ruled out interest in me.

Because we're worried about Rachel. This is awful for her.

She's not even close to being over Tony.

Sort of a sensitive area for a friend of the groom.

Sorry. You wanna change the subject?

Nah. I mean, I know what's going on.

I know why they're really getting married.

Oh, yeah, secretly pregnant bride.

What a cliche. What?

She's pregnant?

Oh, no. No, please don't tell anyone I told you.

It's okay. 'Cause I'm joking. Everybody knows.

I'm serious. The busboy knows.

Hey, Javier! Who's pregnant?

Miss Caitlyn.

All right, well, I told you about Rachel.

So what's Tony's story?

Tony's a stand-up guy.

He's doing what he has to do.

But is he happy about it?

Um, let's see. No.

When he found out she was pregnant,

he put his fist through a wall.

But then he realized this is Lambert, Louisiana,

it's 1870, and the options are "get married" or "get married now."

So he's biting his lip and taking his punishment.

This is just one big misery fest, isn't it?

Yeah.

In fact, I would probably have to say that meeting you

is the only good thing to come out of this whole lousy wedding.

Look, Henry,

I leave for New York the day after the wedding.

And there's not much time. And I sort of have this rule

where I don't sleep with a guy

until I've known him for three weeks.

Parker?

Yeah?

It's just dinner.

Although, if I happen to find myself in New York

in, I don't know, exactly three weeks, then...

Hey!

How was the date with the cop?

Did he frisk you? Did he find anything?

It was awful.

I'm sorry, sweetheart. I thought that was solid.

No, he's great. Possibly better than great.

And he likes me. Oh, God.

Well, why don't you stick around and see what happens?

Because I live in New York City. My career is there.

Which I don't even have.

I didn't tell you this, but my agent, Alice, dumped me yesterday

in an email which she signed "Love." (LAUGHS)

So I'm going home to nothing

and I'm leaving this adorable guy here.

Olivia has me so carb-starved

that if you put your sweet hand on a kaiser roll,

I'd eat it in three bites.

Out of the two of us, who do you think is more pathetic?

I need BAND-AIDs.

We were scrapbooking last night and I got all these paper cuts.

We have a winner.

(SIGHS) What a super morning it is!

I just saw a redbird outside my window.

You know, Bitsy. I hope we all stay in touch

when this week is over.

Girls, breakfast is on the patio, not in the kitchen.

Is Caitlyn out there?

No. Our bride-to-be is not feeling at all well this morning.

I thought I heard her throwing up. Is she okay?

Well, these things happen.

Mmm, morning sickness.

Oh, yeah.

Or somebody and her maid of honor were up late last night

doing mucho, mucho tequila shots.

Pregnant girls don't do tequila shots.

Unless they're not pregnant.

Bitsy, you need to tell us the truth.

Mmm-mmm.

It'll be much easier on you if you just talk.

Anything yet? No.

Not gonna happen.

Oh, what is this?

(GASPS) Ooh!

Oh, my.

Those are mine! Where did you get those?

From your room. Is that cashmere?

I think so.

And there's not a spot on it.

It would be a shame if anything happened to it.

Don't you dare. Mmm!

(GASPS)

What do you got there, Abigail?

You know, just a few things that spill on fine garments.

Like

marinara sauce.

Club soda. Gets it right out.

Soy sauce.

(GASPS) White vinegar and peroxide.

Oh, well, look what I have here.

Mmm.

Fruit preserves. And I think that's... (SNIFFS)

Yeah, that's blueberry.

You wouldn't.

(GASPS) She's not pregnant, she never was!

Please don't hurt my sweaters.

Okay, but what about the pregnancy test? We saw the lab results.

That was my sister's urine.

Muffy married an Irish Catholic guy, so she's always pregnant.

Caitlyn asked me to get a cup of her pee, so I did.

Please don't tell her I blabbed.

We're Gamma Kappa Nus. Forever.

It's okay, Bitsy. It's over.

Can I go now? Sure.

(EXCLAIMING)

I can't believe it.

Caitlyn lied about being pregnant to trick Tony into marrying her.

That bi... That...

Say it. Yeah, it'll make you feel good.

No, I can't. I just can't. That bitch!

(RACHEL'S VOICE ECHOING)

(ABIGAIL AND PARKER LAUGH)

Careful, sweetheart. Don't hurt yourself.

Sorry.

Okay, well, you know what? This changes everything.

Sure does. We gotta tell Tony.

Yeah, we have to. When?

(CAITLYN GIGGLING)

Tony, baby.

How about right now? He's here.

We'll distract Caitlyn, and you go tell Tony.

Me tell him? I don't think I can.

After what she did to you?

After what she did to us?

Yeah, you're right. I'll tell him. I have to.

Okay. Here goes.

I'm taking my life back.

Wish me luck!

Bye, boys! Have fun!

Be careful. Don't you do anything I wouldn't do.

Oh!

Isn't that cute? They're going on a canoe trip.

Male bonding. Three days out in the woods.

No laptops, no cell phones,

no strippers, thank you very much.

So when are they gonna be back?

Just right before the wedding, which is fine by me.

All he has to do is shave and put on a tux.

Men are not very complicated, are they?

I got it. Why don't we just find out what river they are on,

rent a canoe and some maps and stuff,

and just hunt them down?

Excellent. A plan that utilizes our vast wilderness skill set.

Okay, well, what do you got?

A headache. And I'm hungry, too.

BLUTMAN: Careful now.

Is that Caitlyn's dress? BLUTMAN: Oh. Okay. Got it there?

Oh, I was at the fitting.

It is an absolutely beautiful gown.

Do you realize what we're trying to do here?

You're right. I was just...

You're Southern, sweetie. It's not your fault.

ABIGAIL: We have to figure out a way to bring

this entire wedding to its knees.

And when we do, it is not going to be pretty.

Okay, well, we might need an actual plan.

(CAITLYN SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMING) Oh.

CAITLYN: No! No!

No, no, no, no, no! Mother!

(CAITLYN EXCLAIMING)

No!

Oh! It's wrong, it's all wrong!

Caitlyn, honey, what's all wrong? What's the matter?

Calm down. Oh, I will not!

Those idiots, they ruined it!

Look, look at it! See? What? What am I looking at?

Oh, God! My mother is blind!

Look, blind Mother. It's Summer Pearl.

And what did I order? What color did I specify?

Burnished Eggshell!

It's true. I was there. Burnished Eggshell. It was lovely.

Are you kidding me?

It's ruined, the wedding is ruined.

Oh, now, honeybelle, we've got time.

We can fix it. I'm gonna get on the phone straightaway to Jean-Louis.

Oh, well, you better.

You promised me.

Every detail of this wedding has to be exactly right.

I'm only marrying this guy because of all the money you went through.

I don't mind a loveless marriage,

but I will not tolerate anything less than a perfect wedding.

If it is not the wedding I want,

I am not walking down your aisle. Period.

It'll be perfect, honeybelle. It'll be perfectly perfect.

Man, it'd sure be a shame if anything happened

in the next couple of days that would make this wedding

less than perfect. Mmm-hmm.

Ooh, I just got chills.

Yes, is this the florist in charge of the McNabb wedding?

Who am I? Caitlyn. You can do Caitlyn.

Well, this is Miss Caitlyn McNabb, bride-to-be.

I would like to make a few changes to my floral arrangements...

I would never order lilies.

Ever since I was six years old...

Do you know what they do to her? Her eyes water.

And I get these awful hives all over my body.

Mother, I need my ointment!

Mother and I think a white tent is just so blah,

so I was wondering if you had anything

a little bit more playful.

(GASPS) Yes, something a little bit more playful!

A dream bouncy castle is not what I dreamed about, Mother!

Where is my white tent?

We'll find it, baby, we will find it.

Pop the damn thing, Blutman! Pop it!

This is Olivia Warburton from Bellefontaine.

Are you the woman in charge of the ice sculptures in my Caitlyn's wedding?

Mother!

What is it now?

What, honeybelle?

Is there some little something that they got wrong?

That's not so little.

This was supposed to be a baby cupid,

not some aroused sailor!

Maybe, uh, the guests could hang their umbrellas on him.

That's the biggest one I've ever seen.

I can't do this anymore.

Honeybelle, breathe.

It'll be okay. Breathe.

Mama is gonna take care of it, okay?

Breathe. Mama's gonna take care of it.

(GASPS)

(SNICKERING)

Oh, my. Don't you girls look just lovely.

Even you, Abigail.

Oh, Miss Olivia, if you had wings, you'd be an angel.

Hmm.

Or a nasty-ass dragon.

I heard that. Mmm.

Everything's humming along nicely, dear.

I've seen the new cherubs, and they're as sweet as pie.

And the flowers! Oh, the flowers.

Roses and roses as far as the eye can see.

CAITLYN: What about the cake?

You know, the one that says,

"Mazel tov, Bernie and Agnes, on 50 fabulous years"?

Just a bad memory.

I'm not feeling happy, Mother.

The bride should be happy the day before her wedding.

(SNAPPING FINGERS)

More shoulders. Yes, ma'am.

Relax, darling, Mother has everything under control.

Everything.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

PARKER: Go, go, go, go!

Okay, okay.

I just heard them talking. Caitlyn is so completely frazzled!

Oh, then she's going to go over the edge when this happens.

Who wants the honors?

Me, please?

Come on, Rachel, come on.

Let's go, Rachel!

Who stole your man, Rachel?

Take that, you slut-bag man-stealer!

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL GASPING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

RACHEL: Oh, my God!

(ALL WHOOPING)

You see, Caitlyn, as I suspected,

your dear old friends have been behind all of it.

Detective? I believe we can hand this over to you now.

Theft, destruction of property, harassment, malicious mischief.

Do you need more? No, that's plenty.

Oh, and, by the way,

that dress was just a decoy.

The real one is safely locked away.

Okay, I gotta read you all your rights now.

Wait!

Wait.

And you call yourselves bridesmaids.

You're a disgrace to the name

and not worthy of the dresses you wear.

And after everything I did for you.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

FEMALE OFFICER: Turn.

So, uh, we all thought you groomsmen

were on like this big canoe trip.

I couldn't get off work.

Wish I was there, though.

FEMALE OFFICER: Next.

Hey, how you doing?

Can I get more of a flattering light?

Thank you so much.

FEMALE OFFICER: Turn.

Don't judge us. You don't know the whole story.

Just stop talking until you get a lawyer.

You're only gonna make it worse for yourself.

We had to do something!

Stop. Please.

(CELL DOOR BUZZING)

(CELL DOOR OPENS)

Hey, Parker.

Oh, look, they're gonna let us take a picture together.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

You know, Miss Wald, you're fully entitled to an attorney here.

I know. But I'm not arguing with you.

We did all of the things you said that we did.

Plus a few more things, actually.

Miss, you really wanna wait for an attorney.

It was the right thing to do!

Henry. You're listening, right?

I can tell that you're there.

Close.

What choice did we have?

We found out that Caitlyn's not pregnant.

She lied to Tony. Tricked him. How about that?

And why? Because Miss Olivia ran out of money,

and she doesn't want to lose her big house

and ten closets full of clothes.

Caitlyn doesn't even love Tony! We heard her say it.

But Rachel...

Rachel does love Tony,

and he loves her and you know that.

And the sham of a wedding is gonna happen tomorrow

if somebody doesn't stop it.

Come on, Henry.

This is about love.

Don't you care about love?

Oh, boy.

I kind of thought you did.

I kind of thought

that's the guy you are.

Oh.

Do you know how much I've been thinking about you the past few days?

I'm so glad this glass is here right now because

I would never have the nerve to tell you how I feel.

But for the past couple of days,

I've been thinking to myself,

"What if I didn't go back to New York?

"What if I stuck around here for a while?

"What would life be like with a guy like Henry?"

Well, not a guy like Henry.

Henry.

Um... Detective,

I'm thinking this one's yours.

I kind of heard everything you just said. You're... You're very

persuasive.

And we could prove everything, Henry.

I mean, I even know how... No. Not about that.

I mean, what you said about me and you.

I am crossing so many professional lines here.

That's because you're a good person.

I need to be a good cop.

But you believe what I said, right?

About me and you, or the other one?

I was kind of hoping both.

Where are we, Henry?

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

ABIGAIL: How'd you do it? Hmm?

How'd you get Henry to spring us?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, I know.

No, I did not.

Oh, but you would've.

Didn't come to that.

You so would've!

When did you and Henry hook up?

We didn't. Yet. Look, it's complicated.

Complicated? Hey, your man's not marrying somebody else in 24 hours.

Okay, bridesmaids, we've been thinking small.

The time for girlie little pranks is over.

No guts, no glory. This is war!

True that. You got any mustard?

Tomorrow, we go in for the kill.

We eliminate the most essential part of this wedding.

The bride.

I guess we have to. I know the estate pretty well.

There's a lot of good places to bury the body where they'll never find it.

Uh, Rach, "kill" is just an expression.

Oh. Of course.

But look at the shy one, all giddy and ready for blood.

That is just adorable.

But if we don't kill her, she'll just come back.

Not if we do this right.

Don't worry about it. That Gamma Kappa mama is going down.

Who's in?

Let's do this! (ALL CHEERING)

(PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

These are the three women I told you about.

They may yet try something else.

We cannot be too cautious. Are your men armed, sir?

This is Louisiana, ma'am, of course we are.

Good. Don't be afraid to use them.

Oh, Reverend!

(BAD TO THE BONE PLAYING)

You ready, Miss Olivia?

Out of my way, Thinky Girls.

Oh, Caitlyn, you look so gorgeous in this dress.

Oh, I know. Where's the veil?

Oh, um... It's around. Somewhere.

"It's around somewhere"?

Bitsy, do you know why I asked you to be my maid of honor?

I have no idea.

Find it.

Find it!

I look good.

Why are you two loitering about?

Miss Olivia?

What are you looking at?

Am I the first person to fall asleep in a tanning bed? I think not.

You should be looking out for those three awful girls!

Now move. Yes, ma'am.

Ma'am.

I don't know why you think acting is so hard.

Try getting paid for it. Hush, you!

Now or never.

Now.

Hey, honeybelle! Ready for your big day?

(EXCLAIMS)

Mom!

(MUFFLED PROTESTS)

See? I don't really care what you're saying.

(MUFFLED PROTESTS)

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(MUFFLED SCREAM)

(THUD)

(GASPS)

(MUFFLED) Bitsy! Help me!

Wait a minute.

We better hurry. Olivia's due up here any second.

I know this isn't very Gamma Kappa of me, but I hate her guts!

Are you going to kill her?

No. They said no.

Oh.

(CAITLYN EXCLAIMS)

Are you gonna help?

I'm in heels.

Girls, come on.

OLIVIA: I swear, Charlotte, half these people don't even know how to dress.

Come upstairs.

(WHISPERS) Secret staircase.

Wow!

Ma'am. Miss Olivia.

Mmm-hmm.

Come on.

Come on, the coast is clear. Come on.

That was handy.

This is a filthy and evil rug! I want it nowhere near my house today!

Move it along. Thank you.

Oh!

Good luck. Anything else you need?

Can you drive stick?

Hold on, cowgirls! (TIRES SCREECHING)

ALL: Whoa! BITSY: Sorry!

Y'all are so not my friends anymore.

Oh, well, we still like you. We even brought you some iced tea.

Passion fruit. Your favorite. Drink some.

Why?

'Cause it's really good. See? Mmm.

No.

Drink the tea, Caitlyn!

No, thank you, Parker.

Gosh, Caitlyn, they did a really great job with your hair.

Duh.

Yeah, I really wish I could have hair like you.

Do you want some?

(GASPING)

You wouldn't dare.

How much do you want?

Just a little bit more than that.

There? A little bit... Right.

Little bit more. There?

Right there? Yeah, perfect.

Okay! I'll drink the damn tea.

Drink it.

Okay!

Bottoms up.

(MUTTERING)

(WOMAN CHATTERING ON PA)

This is more fun than rush week.

Hi. We're here for a pregnancy test.

Wait, what? Yes, that's right!

We have an appointment. McNabb, 4:00. We're a little early.

Don't mind her. She's a little nervous. It's her big day.

You understand.

Uh, yeah. Room 7. That way.

Thank you.

Somebody! Call my mama! Mama!

(MUFFLED) I'm not supposed to be here!

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

The doctor will be in with you shortly.

OLIVIA: Honeybelle.

(GASPS)

What is it?

My Obeson carpet.

Caitlyn, where is my carpet?

Caitlyn?

(GASPS)

Pee in the cup, Caitlyn.

Never.

Pee in the cup.

Jamais. That's French.

Caitlyn, you're full of tea up to your eyeballs.

You gotta go sooner or later.

I can hold out for days. I have the McNabb bladder.

And I know what you're up to.

What are we up to?

You think that...

(STAMMERS) You know... Well, I'm not even going to say what you think.

We have all day. Mmm.

(GROANING)

Stop that! Girls!

(BOTH GIGGLING)

Stop.

Well, your first mistake, Officer, was releasing them.

Listen, they snuck back in here and stole my daughter!

Now you've got to find them!

Bitsy's gone as well.

Oh, this is a disaster.

Those rotten girls are out to ruin everything.

And after I practically raised them.

I should've smothered them in their little beds during one of those sleepovers.

Hello, darling. Hello.

Oh, you look lovely. Just lovely.

(TAP WATER RUNNING)

PARKER: Niagara Falls. All of the great, wondrous,

enormous flowing bodies of water.

Whoosh.

Listen to that sound, Caitlyn. Like a gurgling stream

building, becoming stronger,

feeding into a mighty, mighty waterfall.

(IN SINGSONG VOICE) Not gonna work.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Oh, my God! Police! Crap.

(LAUGHS) Well, well, ladies, looks as if the cavalry has arrived.

What is going on? There are police cars all over the parking lot.

Does this have something to do with you?

Yes, sir, it does. I'm being held captive against my will.

No, she's not.

Well, I actually... (DOOR SLAMS)

Here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna pee,

and you're gonna test it!

(LAUGHS)

Caitlyn, I will call that reporter from Wedding Belles

and I will tell him exactly

how you got that A-plus from Mr. Peterson in Physics.

Oh, honey. Five minutes well spent.

Oh.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

OFFICER ON LOUDSPEAKER: This is the Lambert Police Department.

We have the building surrounded.

Release the bride and come out.

What the heck is going on here?

Abby, it's not gonna work.

But we did everything right. It should've worked.

I'm so sorry, Rachel.

Y'all are pathetic.

You thought you could trick me?

Make me fill your little cup?

The police are going to lock y'all up

while Tony and I take a nice long walk down the aisle.

Me and him and all his family's money.

You don't love him.

What does love have to do with marriage?

Marriage is an arrangement.

And I arranged for Tony to believe that I was pregnant.

Oh, my God. How can you live with yourself?

Well, in a big house.

With Tony and servants and no little diapers to change.

So, see, Caitlyn wins, and y'all lose.

Like it's always been.

Like it always will be.

Wow. That was wonderful.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Better than I expected.

Can I cut now? Sure.

OFFICER ON LOUDSPEAKER: That's it, we're coming in!

There is a lot of us!

Relax, Henry, we cut.

How did we do?

We did great.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Good job, everybody.

(GROANS)

(VIOLIN TRIO PLAYING BRIDAL MARCH)

(ALL MURMURING)

Wasn't that wonderful?

It just gets better every time.

Play it again, boys. Play it again.

(PLAYING BRIDAL MARCH)

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Upsy-daisy.

We're all here now! Everything's fine!

(HUMMING BRIDAL MARCH) Play it!

(VIOLIN TRIO PLAYING BRIDAL MARCH)

Nice tux.

Would you like to show him the tape, or should we?

(ALL MURMURING)

Uh...

Tony, um...

I have something to tell you, and...

And it's horrible to say.

But, um...

These wicked, wicked girls are about to show you a tape filled with lies.

(CROWD GASPING)

They made me drink something, God knows what,

and I started saying the most outrageous things.

But you mustn't believe them.

No, no, no. Let's just get married

and run off to one of your many, many homes.

Right now. Yeah, right now.

Tony-Bear.

Funny thing about those homes.

As of yesterday, we don't have them anymore.

(CROWD GASPING)

What are you talking about? Of course you do.

As it turns out, Dad's company was holding some phony stock certificates.

The FCC just shut him down.

The family fortune's gone.

So I guess we'll just have to raise this little baby on a budget.

And I can do what I've always wanted to do,

teach high school. Oh, God.

Now, there might be some lean years...

I'm sorry. "Lean years"?

(LAUGHING) Oh, no, see,

I can't marry "lean years."

What about the baby?

Oh, God. There is no baby. Grow up!

(CROWD GASPS)

I need a drink.

So we're not getting married?

Honey,

does this look like the body of a teacher's wife to you?

(ALL MURMURING)

(LAUGHING)

CAITLYN: What are you looking at?

Oh! Oh!

(EXCLAIMS)

I guess we won't be needing this.

No. No, no.

Oh, Tony. I'm so sorry about what happened to your family.

How about you?

Could you spend your life with a schoolteacher?

No big wedding, nothing very glamorous, just you and me?

I couldn't imagine anything more wonderful.

What are you doing?

(ALL GASPING)

Would you marry me, Rachel?

Oh, so much. Of course.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Oh, my God.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, sweetheart. Yeah.

I do have some bad news.

I kind of lied. Oh.

Nobody lost any money.

I just said that to Caitlyn to see how she would take it.

You mean you're still rich?

You still interested?

Nobody's perfect.

Of course.

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

(MAN WHISTLING)

Okay, okay, okay, ready?

We could be your bridesmaids.

We have a lot of experience.

So it looks like you might have to stick around town a little while.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Yeah.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

♪ Yeah ♪

ABIGAIL: Three months later, we had our second outing as bridesmaids.

And this time, it was a lot more fun

because we were actually rooting for the couple.

(MAN CHEERING)

♪ You can't find a reason to think your world will ever change ♪

You never saw anybody happier than Rachel.

Hey, we're all pretty happy these days.

Parker went back to New York

and about a week later, landed this incredible new job.

Freeze, scumbag!

MAN 1: Cut.

WOMAN: Green sheets for tomorrow.

MAN 2 ON LOUDSPEAKER: Great job, everybody.

ABIGAIL: She got a major part in a big action movie!

She came back from Lambert a new person,

a totally transformed, take-charge babe.

And she nailed the first audition she got.

Aw, look at our little Parker, a police sergeant.

Oh, and the best part?

They let her hire her own consultant.

Nice gun action. I had my hands up.

Henry takes the state detective exam next week.

They are so cute together.

And you probably heard about my news.

This whole Caitlyn plot with the wedding and the scheming,

and the sneaking, yeah, it was so completely ludicrous,

I figured there had to be a book here.

So I banged it out, changed a few names...

Third week on the fiction bestseller list. (GIGGLES)

Look for me at a bookstore near you.

What? Oh, where did all the ideas come from?

Right here. You know,

it just flows out of me constantly.

I can't stop it.

(INAUDIBLE)