Original subtitles

Your mother put a phone call in to you?

She said there aren't enough phones on her wing.

Looks like Barbara's back on privileges.

It's addressed to Eron.

If the prison can have a shufty, then surely her own mother can?

I've got a no-nose saddle to limit groin pain.

More cushion for the pushing!

You're basically having a midlife crisis?

BELL RINGS

Do you think your usual saddle is causing your erectile dysfunction?

I'm going to be a great granny! Who's expecting?

SHE LAUGHS HAPPILY

Yeah!

Don't be rude to him, Tony. Let's give him a second chance, yeah?

Tenth chance, more like.

HE LAUGHS Ahh!

Hey! Oh! All right, sis?

THEY LAUGH Oh!

Oh! Eron! Uncle Fatdraic's here. Oh, yeah.

I've got a special something for him.

Oh, making up for lost time, eh?

DOG WHINES Yeah.

Er, sorry about all that, V.

Fresh start. Thanks for having a word with the boss man.

I'm on the bones of my arse here.

Right! What do you think of that little cute-alert, eh, V?

PONY WHINNIES

What's Eron meant to do with that? I don't know. Go hunting?

The horse could ride him. You're about ten years too late.

Has it really been that long? He's not a kid any more. Ey!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, look at you, lad! Oh, look at you! He's going to be a dad.

Oh, well done, mate. Well done. Hey, this is your birthday present.

PONY HUFFS

Thanks, Uncle Fatdraic. Hey! Great Uncle Fatdraic!

Charlie, heel! Charlie, heel!

Charlie, heel! Oops. Yes, careful, Charlie.

Charlie, heel.

DOG BARKS No, Charlie, heel!

No, Charlie, heel!

DOG BARKS Charlie! Heel!

Charlie, heel!

Charlie, heel!

PONY HUFFS

DOG YAPS

Ow!

Do you still take sugar? I put two in just in case. I take three.

Where are the biscuits? Oh, sorry, they are a bit crumbly.

We got two kilo from the car booty. Broken.

Oh, don't go spoiling me, eh(?)

Oh, well. There were two whole ones, but Tony snaffled those, so...

DOG YAPS

John Pruddah's going to pay me on Friday.

Do you want me to take him out

with my day-care lot? He doesn't like dogs.

And I don't want him spoilt neither.

DOG BARKS

Hey! HE WHISTLES

Daddy's rules, is it?

DOG BARKS

DOGS ALL BARK

Charlie, come!

Hello, Granny Singh. Well, it's not... Not yet.

It's just a cluster of cells at present, really, isn't it?

A little toggle of love proving in our Jas's cooker.

Do you really think they should be going ahead with it?

Think long-term. Well, Jasmine is very bright, you know.

Charlie!

With them starting so young, you could make great-granny and

I could make great-great granny.

Well, the world is suffering exponential overpopulation.

Somebody has got to stop breeding.

Try telling this lot that. They are at it big time.

That one is this one's uncle.

That one is that one's sister.

This one is that one's first cousin.

And their uncle. And she is two years younger.

No, they don't call it the insular peninsular for nothing. Charlie!

Come here, you little...

Sorry, I think he's a bit afraid of your horse.

I don't think so. That's just his hunting instinct.

He's out there trying to catch you twos your dinner.

Well, I don't eat seagull. He doesn't know that.

Charlie, come here!

Oh, please, can you help?

Not with you trying to get rid of my great-grandchild. Me no cooperativio.

Please?

SHE WHISTLES

DOG BARKS

What's your mother put my name on this visiting order for? Oh, come on.

Please take us, Nana.

Me and Jas want to tell Mum about the baby ourselves.

I don't like her and she doesn't like me.

Yeah, but we've got to go with someone over 18.

And you said family is everything.

Well, I'll take you when I've lost a couple of pounds

and can get out of the van. I'm sorry to say this to him, love,

but the baby could be having its 21st birthday do before that happens.

Ask your Uncle Fatdraic to take you.

Oh, he won't be interested, unless there's a bit of skirt involved.

Hey, look at this, Tone. She's changed her name to Percy.

Mm, it's after her favourite poet. Percy "Pysshe" Shelley.

You either get God or poetry when you're inside.

What was wrong with Barbara?

She said Percy Pysshe is inspirational.

She always had ideas above her station.

We all lust after a Damon Daybreak Class A petrol V8 vortex engine

on a workhorse chassis.

But we don't all help ourselves to one

from a caravan park in sunny Rhyl. I blame your brother.

Oh, now, he was always a bad influence on her.

Still, her highfalutin ways have gotten her

all the way from Class A to Category B.

She is his mum.

Worse luck.

Put the dogs in with him, Tone.

They'll cheer him up.

Come on, then. Come with me.

Research has shown that chemistry graduates

are amongst the highest earners across the board,

whichever field they work in.

I'm rubbish at chemistry. Well, no, no, no.

No, cooking is chemistry - weighing, measuring, timing,

those are all scientific exercises and you're brilliant at that.

It's not rising!

Baking, in particular, where X on Y causes Z,

that's a chemical reaction.

Oh. I think you've had it on grill setting.

Oh! Never mind.

It's probably best not to have a cake in the house,

with Dad away on his trip. Who's going to eat it?

I just want to take Eron's mum something special.

Celebrate the baby.

Jasmine, I don't want you exposed to the prison environment.

I work with prisoners myself

and there are all sorts of very, very frightening people.

But she's our baby's granny. Jasmine...

you're not even 17. Is this the sort of choice you want to be making?

I could do cupcakes instead. Oh!

You're not allowed to take food into prisons. Why not?

Well, you could smuggle all sorts of things in a cake.

You know, razor blades, files, mobile telephone.

Wouldn't the crumbs get into the charger hole?

You see? You have got a science brain.

They probably wrap it in clingfilm, but, you know, even so,

Jasmine, will you please just promise me

that you will have a serious think about all of this?

Having a child could ruin your life.

It didn't ruin yours.

It did, actually.

Oh.

Oh, Jasmine!

I didn't mean it like that.

DOG WHINES

Oh.

DOG WHINES

Eron? I've got something for the baby from the Roy Castle

Lung Foundation shop. Oh, look! Aren't they diddy? Oh, thanks, Nana!

Oh, they're so cute. Dinner! Hey!

I was going to make carrot and swede mash. Ah, that's just the ticket.

PHONE RINGS

Oh! Hello, Nana V for all your dogging needs.

I hope you've not caught that from John Pruddah's land.

Roadkill.

It's the proverbial duck that didn't get off its arse.

Bit like you, Tone!

So why's it got shot in it, then? Oh, here he is!

Here you go, son.

I don't have to pluck that, do I? Yeah, yeah, go on.

But I want to go and practice.

You never know when you might need your country ways, lad.

Oh, thanks. He'll be made up.

Eron, not only are you going to be a great dad...

..but...

you've got a trial at Finch Farm! Ha-ha!

Congratulations, son!

Well done. Well done, lad. DOGS HOWL

Hey! THUD, DOG WHIMPERS

Hey! There's no need for that!

Are you all right there, pet?

DOG WHIMPERS

Hey.

There's a little something I picked up in the fields. For the sauce.

You can put those straight on the midden. They're only 'shrooms.

This is a drug-free caravan.

You can't be a professional footballer and be on that stuff.

And bring that poor cur in, will you? Hey!

I don't want Spike turning into a wussy little milquetoast.

Oh, that's our father talking. How would you know?

Tucked up safe and sound. I was in the kiddies homes.

Yeah, while I put up with his belt this live long day.

Listen, it's the rock and the hard place,

so all I've done is make a good life for myself.

DOGS WHINE

HE LAUGHS

Yeah. Yeah, you have, eh? Yeah.

In a leaky van with Ten-Ton-Tony, here?

And a lad who's kidding himself he's Wayne Rooney?

I've had enough of you. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Sit down.

'Draicy, 'Draicy, please, please.

It's all right. I'm OK. Eron doesn't need this.

So, what shall we drink to?

Family.

DOGS HOWL AND WHINE

Right, OK, everybody.

I'm looking for somebody who's got a lovely relationship with their dog.

Mrs Turner, could I ask you to come out with Elsa, there?

That's it. Look at that expression.

Look at that sense of devotion and attachment.

OK, Mrs Turner, in your own time,

if you could just take Elsa through the "come, sit down, wait" sequence.

Beautiful. There's you down.

And you wait...

..and you come. Lovely, yeah.

She deserves a round of applause for that. Smashing. On your feet, class.

So, if you can just work on the sit and down.

Sit! THEY CHATTER

Come on, then. Charlie, come.

OK. Charlie, lie down.

Charlie, lie down.

No, I mean, we haven't really covered this, haven't we?

You should have done this in your homework, I'm afraid.

Yeah, I'm on my own at home, now, as you well know,

with my husband away on his round-the-world trip.

I've got quite a lot to think about.

OK. Class, sorry.

Would everyone's mind sitting back down again, please?

No, not you, Mrs Singh. You stay here.

If you would like to just go back to basics?

Er, no, not really. Thank you.

You don't want the dog to improve? Well, it's not that.

But if it's all the same, I'd rather not.

Yeah, I think what your problem is here is that you feel that the

dog is going to make you look a bit of a meff in front of everyone else.

Is that right? No, no, no. All the same, I'd just rather not.

Whereas, in fact, Mrs Singh is going to look more of a meff, isn't she?

If she doesn't have a go.

Yes. Mm.

All right, what you want to do?

OK, Mrs Singh. Right, in your own time.

Now? I did say in your own time,

but if you'd like me to count you in,

I'm very happy to do so. All right. OK.

Three, two, one.

Erm... Charlie, come!

Charlie, come!

Keep the optimism up there. Charlie, come!

Yeah, you're losing faith, there, Mrs Singh. Charlie, come!

Give that one more go. I was just about to.

Charlie, come! Take that a couple of notes lower.

IN DEEP VOICE: Charlie, come!

Charlie, come! Charlie, come!

Charlie, come! Charlie, come!

Charlie, come! Charlie, come!

IN EXASPERATED VOICE: Charlie, come!

Very good. Well done, Charlie. OK, Mrs Singh. Take your seat.

Erm, advanced recall.

Now, it's very important that your dog, when you go out for a walk,

doesn't think that he's got to go hunting for your dinner.

So, can you take out your whole chickens?

DOGS WHINE

Nobody told me to bring a whole chicken!

CAR REVS

TYRES SCREECH

Ravi, you're not making any sense. Hey! Hey!

What are you saying? You might not come home after your trip?

'I just need to think about things.'

Well, can't you think at home?

'Actually, no.'

Are you say you might never come back? 'Not sure.

'I'm feeling quite confused...'

Sorry to be a pain in the proverbials, madam.

Is this about becoming a grandfather, Ravi?

'No! No, I... I need to spend some time with Dennis.'

You're going to have to go round the back drive. Denis? Why?

I've got a few more holes to fill. You're not...? 'No, no.'

Ravi, I am struggling to take this in right now.

I cannot have this conversation. Enjoy Langkawi.

Mrs? No, please.

I'm not going half a mile out of my way just to suit a workman.

Stand back, please.

Oh, yeah, that's right!

Ride roughshod all over my slag aggregate.

DOG BARKS

I mean, basically, I didn't see it coming.

He doesn't like classical sculpture, he doesn't like Opera,

he doesn't like anything beautiful.

And then I discover that he's hurled himself out of the closet

with...

..with... with a ride buddy from Barnoldswick called Dennis.

Cheers.

You in a relationship? I'm married. Are you?

Yeah, 15 years. Are you?

Erm, 19 years, but, basically,

he hasn't had an erection for the last 3-and-a-half, so...

DOG BARKS

To my knowledge.

But, I mean that is, sort of, usual for a man of 50-odd, is it?

I mean, does your husband ever...? Has he ever...?

DOG BARKS

Could you control your dog please, madam?

DOG BARKS He won't come back.

SHE CHUCKLES

Good girl, No Name. Good girl.

Eron!

Grandad's fallen into a diabetic coma,

you're supposed to be watching him.

Give over.

Mm. That looks nice.

Foolproof. Rice Krispie cakes. Mm.

Yummy. Yeah. Percy sent us the recipe.

In rhyme.

"Take syrup, Rice Krispies and nuts.

"This cake will enlighten your guts.

"Melt it and mix it and chop it and fix it

"and store in the fridge till it...

..sets."

The original Percy would be pissed off with that one.

Are those for your mam, Eron? Er, yeah.

Come on, Tony. You're going to get sofa sores.

Stand up and I'll pummel your bum.

HE GRUNTS

HE SIGHS

Right, I'll catch you later, then?

Save some for me. Don't be late.

You're taking these two to the prison tomorrow. Yeah, right.

Oh! That's some thirsty work, that, Tony.

Do you want a cup of tea? Oh, go on. Twist my arm.

Oof!

Hey, No Name, what about a little bit of Rice Krispie cake, eh?

Spike! Spike! Wait. Wait.

DOG WHINES

Could I have another double, please?

Sorry, would you like one yourself? Thanks very much.

I'll have a small Scotch, please.

Sorry, do I know you?

You're the wild woman that flattened my comb.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, well, then I owe you far more than just a measly drink. Yeah,

well, maybe we can come to some arrangement.

Oh, would crisps help?

Salt and vinegar?

Can I have a Scotch as well, please? And make it a double for my...

Sorry, I don't know your name. Fatdraic.

It's like, er, Patrick, but with an F. Oh.

Oh, you're not overweight.

I was a butterball baby.

The name stuck.

Mm.

Well, you're all man now.

Hm.

So... Your marriage is in trouble, is it?

Right then No Name.

Come 'ead. Walk!

This dog's knackered.

Hey, Jas, before you put them away, give one to Tony, will ya?

They're for Mum. What?!

You are crackers! The dogs'll sniff them out.

Nah, they can't afford the dogs no more, Nana. It's always the wand.

I got through with a bit of carrot cake stuffed down my kecks last time.

Well, you were very lucky.

The spaniel would have had your clackers off for a slice of that.

Oh, please, Nana. Let us try. I want Percy to like me.

Well, all right. It's only a teatime treat, I suppose.

But, when it's drugs, they take you into a side room

and the lady screw, built like a brick shit house,

pulls down your pants, makes you squat over a mirror

before she puts the gloves on.

Fact.

Right, come on, dopey drawers.

I'm going to have to carry you around the field.

Eh, erm... HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

..it might not be wise to get behind the wheel

of your fine motor car, at this precise moment.

No, it's not far, I will be fine.

HE SIGHS

Ohhh!

HORN BEEPS

Wait...

I had... I had a dog. Did I... Did I have a dog? So you did.

HE WHISTLES

DOG BARKS

Oh, Charlie!

Charlie! Oh.

SHE SIGHS

How did you do that? You know how to whistle, don't you?

No, I can't whistle. Look...

WHEEZING

Oh.

No, I can do it.

We're going to have to do something about that, aren't we? To the beach.

Oh, shit. It's all right, I'll get them.

SEAGULLS SQUAWK

Isn't it wonderful? The sunset over all the...

..things. Indeed.

DOGS BARK

So, do you suck in or blow out? Ladies' prerogative.

Oh.

Like this, OK?

HE WHISTLES

DOGS BARK

That is amazing. They just want to know who's boss. How do you do that?

SHE LAUGHS

OK. Relax your phizog for a moment. I am going to pucker you up.

Now, stick the tip of your tongue forward.

Very good.

So... What do I do now?

Just put your lips together.

HORSE SNICKERS

Well, can't Mrs Singh take you?

She's not picking up.

That bloody brother of mine.

ERON SIGHS

All right, I'll drive yous. Oh, thanks, Nana.

But I'm not coming in.

Text Fatdraic. Tell him we'll meet him there.

No Name! Come on! Good girl.

Come on, Eron.

Is Percy really going to appreciate Rice Krispies fished out of your grundies?

Nana, you said yourself, they're just a teatime treat.

Hiya, honey.

Can you give the visitors order to Miss Pursglove, here.

Actually, I'm not going in, it's his great-uncle Fatdraic.

Fatdraic Feeny. Just waiting on him now.

Do you want to pop any mobile phones and chewing gum you might have

in one of the lockers for us.

How's she doing?

It's a shame she's on basic, but you know.

I'm sure next time you come she'll be enhanced.

You reckon? Yeah.

You going to be much longer?

You've only got 20 minutes till visits end.

We've only got 20 minutes. Ah, where have you been?

Jasmine, this is not a good idea,

but if you insist on going ahead with this visit,

then I'm coming in with you. You're not on the visitors order.

No I've got clearance. I'm in and out of here on a regular basis on Future'Z business.

Erm... Hello, Sarah. Hello, Mrs Singh. Hello

Did you come with my brother? Oh, she certainly did.

Your brother?!

You know he's got a wife and three kids in the Ring of Kerry.

Yes! Yes, I did.

Just thought you should know that, if you've kopped off.

No, no, we haven't. There's been no....full kopping.

Could I have the key, please, er, Sarah?

I got to keep it in the family

I have to keep it in the family...

Sorry, do you mind? I've got a bit of a headache. I want I want...

BUZZING DOOR UNLOCKS

BEEPING

BUZZING

Oh, we'll need to wait here for the airlock.

Oh, well you've been here before, haven't you? So you know all this.

BUZZING

This isn't the time or place, Eron,

and I know I'm not the greatest role model,

but keep it in your trousers, lad.

Oh, no, no, no. It's not that. It's just...

I've got me mum's cakes stuck in my zip.

Ah, erm, listen, kids, something's come up.

She can take it from here. I'll catch you later.

Ta-ra, V.

Oh, er, tell John Pruddah he can get someone else to finish the job.

Now you've poached another pocket you're off, are you?

Well, it doesn't matter if you're a fox or a hound,

when the horn blows you better start running.

That's bollocks. You were always chicken.

Tell Percy to enjoy the cakes, eh?

See ya.

DOG BARKS

Oh, shit.

Mr Handler, sir! Is your dog on duty today?

Yeah. Hi, erm...

Could I just say hello to your dog?

Would you mind leaving him alone please, madam?

I'm a professional myself.

He's working. I don't want him overexcited, or he won't be able to do his job.

I was brought up in childrens' homes, so dogs are my life.

No, leave him alone, please. He has a job to do.

He's absolutely gorgeous. Thank you.

You both are. Well, thanks very much.

Thanks for your flattery, but you're still not stroking the dog.

Don't worry. If I can stroke you, I don't have to stroke the dog, do I?

I think that's inappropriate, as well.

SHE LAUGHS Hey, hey! What's his name?

Colin.

Hello, Colin! Hello!

DOG BARKS

Madam, would you stop doing that, please?

You're just getting him overexcited.

Listen, I don't...

I never do this, but...

..well, I just wondering...

Would you like to go for a drink?

You'll really have to excuse me.

Oh! I didn't mean it like that. Thank you. Bye.

But my van's just here. We could just...

The seats go back and everything.

BUZZING That's green.

Eron, son, hold the door, hold the door!

Thanks for coming, Nana.

You're not going to believe this, that bloody brother...

GATE CLANGS

Eron! Missy get those cakes out your baps.

And you, get that bulge out your trousers, now!

No, I made them special. You take them out right now, young lady!

Come on. Eron, just do as I say. Get those...

Can't you control her?

I made them special. What's the problem?

They're carrying cakes and they're spiked. Get them out now!

I will not! No, I made them special. Get them out.

SHE WHISTLES

Get those out now.

Right, Mrs Singh.

What? You and I, we're going on a trip.

SLOW PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC

SHE CACKLES

Go on, get in babe.

What a wonderfully handsome dog, Mrs F.

If you look in her left eye...

..you can see the whole of the cosmos.

Ooh.

And in her right?

Is Dennis in there?

PONY NEIGHS

THEY SNORE