Original subtitles

TONIGHT ON "NEWSREADERS"... GET-RICH-QUICK SCHEMES --

WE'LL TELL YOU WHICH ONE IS RIGHT FOR YOU.

AND IT'S CALLED KA,

AND IT'S THE NEW VOWEL THAT'S RAPIDLY REPLACING "U."

ALL THAT AND MORE TONIGHT ON "NEWSREADERS."

FIRST TONIGHT,

IF "SPORTS ILLUSTRATED" STOPPED PUBLISHING

ITS ANNUAL SWIMSUIT ISSUE,

THE BIGGEST EVENT IN PUBLISHING EVERY FEBRUARY WOULD BE

"PEOPLE OF INTEREST" MAGAZINE'S CREEPIEST MAN ALIVE ISSUE.

AND WE WERE THERE TO SEE HOW IT ALL COMES TOGETHER.

Deenus: THE HUNT FOR THE YEAR'S CREEPIEST MAN ALIVE BEGINS HERE

AT THE HEADQUARTERS OF "PEOPLE OF INTEREST" MAGAZINE.

OKAY, THIS GUY'S WEARING A HELMET. I FIND THAT CREEPY.

OH, YEAH. FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

HE'S HUMPING HIS GUY FRIEND. I LIKE THAT.

I THINK THE EYELINER'S PRETTY GOOD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE EYELINER HERE?

Deenus: "NEWSREADERS" WAS GRANTED

EXCLUSIVE BEHIND-THE-SCENES ACCESS

TO THE GRUELING SELECTION PROCESS.

IT'S A BIG DECISION AND ONE NONE OF US TAKE LIGHTLY.

THIS GUY, HE WAS ABLE TO TAKE A PHOTO,

AND HE HAS STRETCH MARKS, AND HE'S PROUD OF THEM.

WE GET THOUSANDS OF SUBMISSIONS, FROM FRIENDS, FAMILY,

DRESSING-ROOM SECURITY CAMERAS, CO-WORKERS,

SOMETIMES EVEN GOOGLE STREET VIEW.

AND A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THE CREEPINESS

IS BASED JUST ON APPEARANCE,

BUT THAT'S TOO SUBJECTIVE. MM-HMM.

ONE WOMAN'S STEVE BUSCEMI... EW.

...IS ANOTHER WOMAN'S RYAN GOSLING. LOVE HIM.

ME, TOO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HE TASTES LIKE?

SALTWATER TAFFY.

I WAS THINKING TIRAMISU BUT MUSKY.

HMM.

WE TAKE MANY INTANGIBLES INTO ACCOUNT.

WE CALL IT "CREEPRISMA."

WHAT DO WOMEN FIND CREEPY IN A MAN?

DOES HE HAVE A CAT?

OH. GOOD ONE.

DOES HIS LEG HAIR

POKE THROUGH HIS DRESS SOCKS?

A GUY WHO WORKS HERE

ALWAYS OFFERS TO RETIE MY SHOES FOR ME,

AND I THINK, "IS THIS CREEPY?"

IT -- YES. I WOULD SAY YES. YEAH. IT IS CREEPY.

Deenus: THE NEXT LEVEL IN THE SEARCH FOR THE CREEPIEST MAN

IS RESERVED FOR PEOPLE LIKE JOE FINN,

A SOUND ENGINEER FROM STRATFORD, ONTARIO.

HE'S ONE OF THE YEAR'S TOP 10 FINALISTS.

Deenus: HOW DOES IT FEEL TO KNOW

YOU'RE ONE OF THE CREEPIEST MEN IN AMERICA?

WELL, I HEARD CREEP IS THE NEW GEEK.

WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PROBABLY ON 4CHAN OR SOMETHING.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M NOT CREEPY ENOUGH TO WIN.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOUR HAND'S DOWN YOUR SHORTS.

OH, UH, THESE AREN'T SHORTS. THEY'RE -- THEY'RE JORTS.

AND IT'S JUST WHERE I LIKE TO REST MY HAND.

I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING DOWN THERE.

Deenus: BUT JOE HAS SOME TOUGH COMPETITION,

LIKE PITTSBURGH TELEMARKETER TEVIN BOLAND.

I'M VERY EXCITED.

OTHER THAN THAT MUSTACHE, ARE YOU SURPRISED

"PEOPLE OF INTEREST" NAMED YOU ONE OF THEIR FINALISTS?

OH, I'M VERY SURPRISED.

I MEAN, I'M JUST A REGULAR GUY

THAT LIKES STAMPS AND DIFFERENT KINDS OF PEACH FUZZ.

[ CHUCKLES, SNIFFS ]

LISA? YOU CHANGE YOUR SHAMPOO?

SHE CHANGED HER SHAMPOO.

WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE WEARING, SADEE?

[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

IT'S PANTENE. THAT'S A PANTENE.

I DON'T REMEMBER, TO BE HONEST.

I MEAN, I COULD TOUCH IT AND KNOW,

BUT I DON'T -- MNH-MNH.

I DON'T THINK SO. I RESPECT YOU.

YEP. ALL RIGHT.

PANTENE.

LISA.

I WANT A SLIDER TODAY.

LET'S GO GET SLIDERS.

THEY'RE ALL LOOKING THE SAME AT THIS POINT.

I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.

[ SIGHS ]

Deenus: AFTER WEEKS OF DELIBERATION,

A WINNER EMERGED,

AND WE WERE THERE TO WITNESS HISTORY.

I THINK WE NAILED IT, PEOPLE.

YEAH.

IT'S CREEPY! IT'S CREEPY!

HEY! YEAH!

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN AT IT A WHILE.

ANYONE NEED A SHOE RETIE?

NO? COOL BEANS.

[ SIGHS ]

Woman: I'M SWEATING. UGH!

I'VE NEVER EVEN WORN LACES.

Deenus: THE WINNER WAS ORLANDO, FLORIDA, BELLHOP DONNOVAN KLIPT.

BUT HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE HAD BEEN SUBMITTED.

"PEOPLE OF INTEREST" FLEW HIM TO NEW YORK

FOR WHAT DONNOVAN THOUGHT WAS A STORY

ON HOTEL ROOM-SERVICE DO'S AND DON'TS.

HE HAS NO IDEA

THAT A MAGAZINE PHOTO SHOOT IS WAITING FOR HIM.

[ APPLAUSE ]

WH-A-A-AT?

UM...H-HEY. [ CHUCKLES ]

UH, WHAT'S UP?

DONNOVAN KLIPT... YEP.

...YOU ARE "PEOPLE OF INTEREST" MAGAZINE'S

CREEPIEST MAN ALIVE 2014.

UM...WHAT?

YOU'RE GOING TO BE FAMOUS.

UH, FOR BEING... CREEPY? YEAH.

I'M SADEE DEENUS FROM "NEWSREADERS."

DONNOVAN.

[ Chuckling ] OH, MY GOD. IT'S AMAZING.

I MEAN, THE RETAINER --

IT JUST REALLY PUTS IT OVER THE EDGE.

Woman: IT'S SO PERFECT. IT'S SO PERFECT.

IS THAT A CORDUROY SHIRT?

YES.

THERE'S LOTS OF COOL THINGS ABOUT ME, TOO.

LIKE, I OWN A LOT OF REAL SWORDS.

DID YOU EVER SUSPECT YOU WERE REALLY CREEPY?

N-NO. NO.

NEVER. [ SCOFFS ]

ALTHOUGH I WISH SOMEONE WOULD'VE TOLD ME WHEN I WAS A KID,

SO MAYBE I'D HAVE A DIFFERENT...LIFE.

THEY COULDN'T HAVE THIS CONTEST WITH KIDS.

THAT WOULD BE MEAN. T-TOTALLY.

BUT THIS -- THIS IS STILL PRETTY MEAN.

YEAH.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO

WITH ALL THIS NEWFOUND ATTENTION?

IS THE SECOND HALF OF THIS

GONNA BE, LIKE, ONE OF THOSE MAKEOVER SHOWS?

NO, THIS IS A NEWS PROGRAM.

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

Deenus: AND LIKE THAT,

DONNOVAN KLIPT BECAME THE KATE UPTON OF CREEPY.

IS IT TOO LATE TO SUBMIT TO THE COMPETITION?

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ] OH, MAN.

IS THAT A CORDUROY SHIRT? AND A RETAINER?

OH, I DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE.

THANKS, SADEE.

DOGS -- THERE'S ALMOST NOTHING THEY CAN'T LICK,

AND NOW YOU CAN ADD BOMBS IN TERRORIST ATTACKS

TO THAT LIST.

Larussa: DOGS LIKE BUCK

ARE ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT WEAPONS IN THE WAR ON TERROR.

THANKS TO THE WORK OF SPECIAL AGENT VIC TRAYMORE

AND THE ATF'S COUNTERTERRORISM ACADEMY,

THESE DOGS FIND BOMBS BEFORE THEY FIND US.

SO, HAS BUCK PREVENTED MANY TERRORIST ATTACKS?

WELL, YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE BUCK

FROM THE NBA SLAM DUNK CONTEST BOMBING

OR THE 2014 LINGERIE BOWL BOMBING

OR THE ANNUAL BOMBING AT BURNING MAN.

I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF THOSE.

DAMN RIGHT.

IT'S 'CAUSE BUCK STOPPED THEM ALL.

HASN'T MISSED A BOMB YET.

WOW.

HEY, I BET THE PRODUCERS OF "JOHN CARTER"

WISHED THEY HAD HIM AROUND. [ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, BUCK WASN'T ALIVE DURING THE FILMING

OF DISNEY'S BOMB "JOHN CARTER," SO...

"LONE RANGER"?

HE WAS JUST A PUPPY.

SPECIAL AGENT TRAYMORE LET US TAG ALONG

AS HE PUT BUCK THROUGH HIS PACES.

YOU KNOW, WE DON'T REALLY HAVE TO TEACH THE DOGS HOW TO SMELL.

WHAT WE'RE ACTUALLY DOING IS TEACHING THEM WHERE TO SMELL.

SO, ALONG THE SEAMS ON THE BAGS, FOR INSTANCE.

IT'S IN THAT ONE.

THAT'S ACTUALLY CORRECT.

WHY DO YOU NEED DOGS WHEN THE SMELL OF THE BOMB IS SO STRONG?

WELL, YOU DIDN'T SMELL IT. YOU SAW ME PUT IT IN THERE.

NO, I DIDN'T. I JUST SMELLED IT.

THAT'S IMPO-- TURN A-- TURN AROUND.

TURN AROUND.

I'LL TRY AGAIN... YEAH.

...SEE WHAT --

OKAY.

[ BREATHING DEEPLY ]

THIS ONE. WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

IN FACT, I CAN TELL

YOU RUBBED IT ON THIS ONE TO THROW ME OFF FOR A SECOND.

BUT YOU DIDN'T THROW ME OFF.

I DID RUB IT ON THAT ONE.

BOOM.

TURNS OUT I WAS AMAZING AT BOMB-SNIFFING.

TRICK QUESTION -- IT'S IN YOUR BACK POCKET.

GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. ALL RIGHT, HAVE A TREAT.

DO YOU HAVE A HUMAN TREAT? [ TREAT CLACKS ]

GOT A STICK OF GUM. I DON'T CHEW GUM.

WHO DOESN'T CHEW GUM?

I END UP SWALLOWING IT,

AND THEN I GET CONSTIPATION.

J-J-- DON'T SWALLOW IT, THEN.

YOU HAVE, LIKE, AN iTUNES CARD?

THIS IS -- I-I THINK YOU'RE CHEATING.

OH, REALLY?

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS PERFORMANCE

FROM ONE OF YOUR "STAR" PUPILS AT THE K-9 "ACADEMY"?

WHY'D YOU DO THAT?

"TO MOCK YOU."

I WOULD HAVE BEEN THE STAR PUPIL...

IT'S BACK IN THAT ONE.

...IF THE ATF DIDN'T HAVE A DOGS-ONLY

AFFIRMATIVE-ACTION HIRING POLICY.

YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE DEALING WITH A BASSET HOUND,

'CAUSE THEY'RE LAZY. MM-HMM.

OR A -- OR A MINI PINSCHER 'CAUSE THEY'RE TOO HYPER.

PIT BULLS CAN GET VIOLENT.

PIT BULLS -- THEY'RE ALSO HUMPY.

"OH, DON'T HUMP THE GREEN WIRE."

NO, THEY SHOULDN'T BE DEALING WITH ANY WIRES AT ALL.

THEY LEAVE THAT UP TO THE PROS. OF COURSE.

THEY'RE NOT BOMB-DIFFUSING DOGS.

RIGHT. THEY'RE SNIFFERS. [ BUCK BARKS ]

WHAT'S -- WHAT'S GOING ON BACK THERE, BUCK?

[ CHUCKLES ]

OH, THAT'S ONE OF OUR NEW RECRUITS.

SHE'S IN HEAT.

[ BREATHING DEEPLY ]

BOMB DOG.

NO, NOT YET. SHE'S STILL IN TRAINING.

NO, NOT A BOMB-SNIFFING DOG. A BOMB DOG.

WHAT?

A DOG WITH AN ENTIRE BOMB IN IT!

A BOMB DOG!

AND NOW SKIP REMING IS HERE. SKIP.

THIS WEEKEND, I WANDERED INTO A BAR IN A FANCY PART OF TOWN

THAT USED TO BE A MEXICAN PART OF TOWN.

A NEIGHBORHOOD BAR IS A SECOND HOME,

WITH A BARTENDER WIFE WHO LISTENS TO YOUR PROBLEMS

AND GIVES YOU ROWS OF TINY, GLASS CHILDREN

FILLED WITH LIQUID ANSWERS.

I WROTE THAT.

THIS PLACE I WAS IN DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A BARTENDER.

IT HAD SOMETHING CALLED A MIXOLOGIST.

IT TOOK HIM 15 MINUTES TO MAKE MY DRINK,

WHICH HE CALLED A COCKTAIL.

WELL, IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORTH THE TIME

IF IT DIDN'T TASTE LIKE A THIMBLE FULL OF FAIRY PISS

BREWED BY A GAY UNICORN ON TOP OF GUMDROP MOUNTAIN.

YOU KNOW WHAT PEOPLE SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN IS?

BOOZE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO TASTE LIKE SOME DOUGHY CONFECTION.

IT'S MEANT TO BE A WAKE-UP CALL

FOR YOUR PROBLEMS TO GO TO SLEEP.

THANKS, KITTEN.

SO TONIGHT, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW TO MAKE

THE ONE AND ONLY COCKTAIL YOU'LL EVER NEED TO DRINK.

YOU'LL NEED A GLASS, AN ICE CUBE,

AND A HIGH-PROOF WHISKEY.

NOW YOU START BY TAKING THE ICE CUBE,

THROWING IT OUT THE WINDOW.

[ ICE CUBE CLACKS ] NOW YOU DO THE SAME WITH THE GLASS.

[ GLASS SHATTERS ] THEN YOU JUST GARNISH THE BOTTLE WITH YOUR LIPS

AND SERVE DIRECTLY TO THE LIVER.

OOH-HOO!

THAT'LL ADD A CURL TO YOUR SHORT HAIRS.

NEXT WEEK ON "NEWSREADERS," NECK TATTOOS --

WE'LL TELL YOU WHICH ONE WILL LAND YOU THAT DREAM JOB.

AND OUR NEW DENTAL-DAM REVIEWER TEVIN BOLAND

WILL BE HERE WITH HIS LATEST REVIEW.

THIS ONE'S SUPPOSED TO TASTE LIKE GRAPE,

BUT IT JUST TASTES LIKE CHEMICALS TO ME.

MM.

BLUE-RASPBERRY MAYBE,

BUT [CHUCKLES] I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY GOT GRAPE.

I'M REAGAN BISCAYNE.

GOOD NIGHT.

Gray: HE GETS SUBMITTED EVERY YEAR,

BUT HE DOESN'T QUITE HAVE WHAT IT TAKES

TO MAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

HONESTLY, LIKE, LOOK AT HIM.

HE SWEATS A LOT. HE DOESN'T BLINK.

HE WEARS THAT SUIT TO BED.

MM, THAT'S CREEPY. HE SMELLS.

YOU CAN'T GET THE SMELL IN A PHOTO.

THAT'S THE THING.

HE'S SUPER-CREEPY. HE'S SO CLOSE.

HIS EYEBROW FREAKS ME OUT JUST ON ITS OWN.

IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S GONNA CREEP RIGHT OFF OF HIS FACE.

YEAH. IT'S LIKE A CATERPILLAR.