Original subtitles

TONIGHT ON "NEWSREADERS," PROFESSIONAL BEACH VOLLEYBALL --

WE'LL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THE COMPLEX AND CRYPTIC SIGNALS

THAT ARE THE KEY TO UNDERSTANDING THIS GAME.

ALSO, BASEBALL SIGNALS -- WHY NOBODY CARES.

AND DO YOU CATCH YOURSELF

WALKING WITH YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK?

IF SO, YOU'LL WANT TO HEAR

WHY DR. HANS DORFMAN SAYS YOU ARE SLOWLY DYING.

ALL THAT AND MORE TONIGHT ON "NEWSPAPERS."

IF YOU'RE AN AMERICAN WHO HAS FRIENDS,

THEN CHANCES ARE, YOU'VE PLAYED [BLEEP] MARRY, KILL.

IT'S THE GAME WHERE YOU CHOOSE

WHICH OF THREE PEOPLE TO HAVE SEX WITH,

WHICH ONE TO MARRY, AND WHICH ONE TO MURDER.

IN RECENT YEARS, THE GAME TOOK A DARK TURN

WHEN A SERIAL KILLER BEGAN

MODELING HIS MURDERS ON THE GAME,

AND HE BECAME KNOWN AS THE [BLEEP] MARRY KILLER.

OF ALL THE CORRESPONDENTS

I COULD CHOOSE TO COVER THE STORY,

I'D HAVE SEX WITH XANDRA, I'D MARRY AMIR,

AND I'D SEND NARGE HEMINGWAY

TO GET THE FIRST TELEVISION INTERVIEW

WITH THE [BLEEP] MARRY KILLER.

"IT WAS JUST A GAME."

THAT WAS THE ONLY STATEMENT MADE BY CAROB LANDIS,

THE NOTORIOUS [BLEEP] MARRY KILLER,

BEFORE BEING SENTENCED TO DEATH JUST DAYS AGO.

FBI SPECIAL AGENTS KELLY SPEARS, MARY AGOSTI, AND FAMKE CARBONALE

LED THE TASK FORCE THAT CAUGHT LANDIS.

NONE OF US HAD EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT.

IN FACT, NOBODY IN THE AGENCY HAD.

LANDIS, THE KILLER, HE WOULD -- OR...

AS WE CALL IT, "THE PERP."

OH, MY GOSH. I SAID "THE KILLER."

IT DOESN'T MATTER. JUST TELL THE STORY.

OKAY, WELL, ANYWAY,

LANDIS, THE PERP, HE WOULD KIDNAP FOUR VICTIMS --

WE CALL IT A 2-0-7.

YES.

THANK YOU AGAIN, AGENT AGOSTI.

UM, YES, HE WOULD KIDNAP FOUR VICTIMS --

AND THEN THAT VICTIM --

MARY'S GOT IT FROM HERE, I GUESS.

THEN HE WOULD FORCE ONE OF THE VICTIMS

TO "PLAY THE GAME."

SORRY.

YOU GOT A LITTLE SPIT ON MY FACE WHEN YOU SAID "PLAY."

OH. GO ON.

IT LOOKS USED, BUT IT'S NOT.

I'M -- I'M -- I'M FINE, THANK YOU.

I CAN -- I CAN STRAIGHTEN IT FOR YOU.

[ CLEARS THROAT ] THANK YOU SO MUCH. SURE.

THAT PERSON WOULD THEN HAVE TO CHOOSE

WHICH ONE OF THE OTHER VICTIMS SHE WOULD HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH,

WHICH ONE SHE'D MARRY,

AND THEN HE'D MAKE HER KILL THE THIRD HERSELF.

THE PERP WAS ACTUALLY A LICENSED MINISTER AT AN ONLINE CHURCH,

SO HE WOULD PERFORM A LEGAL WEDDING CEREMONY.

I'M SORRY.

DO YOU HAVE A TRASH CAN I COULD PUT THIS IN?

SHE CAN PUT IT BACK IN HER SLEEVE. SHE ALWAYS DOES THAT.

OH, GREAT. THANK YOU. I CAN TAKE THAT.

MM-HMM.

Hemingway: WITH LANDIS BEHIND BARS,

THE NIGHTMARE WAS FINALLY OVER.

BUT WILL IT EVER TRULY BE OVER

FOR THE PEOPLE LANDIS TERRORIZED?

MARILYN ROMAN AND HER CO-WORKERS CHAD, DEREK, AND TOM

WERE VICTIMS OF THE FMK KILLER.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME

MARILYN HAS SPOKEN PUBLICLY ABOUT THE ORDEAL.

GO, "NEWSREADERS"! [ SIGHS ]

SO, TELL ME ABOUT YOUR ORDEAL.

UM, WELL, I WAS FORCED TO KILL A MAN WITH A NAIL GUN.

[ INHALES SHARPLY ] YIKES.

LET'S GET TO THE OTHER TWO.

WHO DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH?

OH, UM, DEREK. [ GIGGLES ] OBVIOUSLY.

HE IS SUPERHOT.

BUT NOT HUSBAND MATERIAL.

OH, NO, NOT AT ALL.

HE DRIVES A MOTORCYCLE

AND HAS A TATTOO THAT SAYS "FOLLOW ME."

OOH, YEAH. HOT, BUT I GET IT.

NOW, HOW ABOUT TOM?

TOM AND I HAVE BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED EVER SINCE.

AND WE HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN.

ONE IS REALLY BEAUTIFUL.

THAT ONE'S DEREK'S, RIGHT?

OH, YEAH. [ CHUCKLES ] OBVI.

[ CHUCKLES ]

HEY!

OHH! OW! HEY, YOU!

HE'S A HITTER.

Hemingway: MARILYN'S HUSBAND, TOM ROMAN.

THAT'S JEREMY, OUR OLDEST.

HE'S GOT THE DEVIL IN HIM, THAT ONE.

AND DEREK. HE HAS DEREK IN HIM.

HE'S DEREK'S SON.

THE GUY MARILYN F'ED.

GREAT LAY, SOLID GENES, NOT DAD MATERIAL.

"NEWSREADERS" WAS GRANTED

THE FIRST-EVER INTERVIEW WITH LANDIS.

WE ARE SO KILLING IT RIGHT NOW!

[ SIGHS ]

DO YOU HAVE ANY REGRETS?

I REGRET NOT ACCOMPLISHING EVERYTHING I WANTED TO.

THERE WAS STILL SOME INTERESTING WORK TO BE DONE.

"INTERESTING WORK"?

I NEVER GOT TO MAKE ANYONE PLAY WITH TRIPLETS, FOR INSTANCE.

THAT WOULD BE INTERESTING.

RIGHT?

YEAH.

I HAVE A HARD ONE FOR YOU.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL, SCARLETT JOHANSSON,

AND LISA BONET -- LISA BONET IN HER PRIME,

LIKE "ANGEL HEART" LISA BONET.

"F" LISA, MARRY ScarJo, KILL ZOOEY.

WHOA, YEAH. THAT'S TOTALLY RIGHT.

YEAH, HELLO. I'M A SERIAL KILLER, OKAY?

WE'RE REALLY KIND OF SMART. THIS IS, LIKE, OUR WHOLE DEAL.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING RIGHT NOW?

WELL, AGAIN, SERIAL KILLER,

SO FEELINGS ARE KIND OF FOREIGN TO ME,

BUT I HAVE TO SAY THAT IF I WERE TO GET OUT OF HERE,

SOMEONE MIGHT HAVE TO CHOOSE

BETWEEN THREE CERTAIN FBI SPECIAL AGENTS.

ME?

WHAT? [ LAUGHS ]

NO, NOT YOU. I'M SORRY.

I SEE HOW IT COULD'VE BEEN INTERPRETED THAT WAY.

[ Chuckling ] I THOUGHT YOU MEANT ME.

NO, NO.

SORRY. [ CHUCKLES ]

Spears: EVERY PSYCHO WANTS REVENGE.

LET HIM TRY AND PLAY THAT GAME WITH ME.

'CAUSE I WILL STEP ON HIS HEART

AFTER I RIP IT OUT OF HIS CHEST WITH THESE.

[ GASPS ] YOU HAVE PERFECT FEET.

I KNOW.

YOU'RE PLAYING THE GAME WITH US, AREN'T YOU?

MNH -- MNH-MNH. NO.

YES. YES. IT'S VERY HARD NOT TO.

I'M OBVIOUSLY THE "F" BECAUSE I'M THE HOTTEST. YEAH.

AND SPECIAL AGENT SPECIAL NEEDS HERE

IS JUST GONNA HAVE TO HANDLE THAT REALITY.

AND THAT'S WHY YOU'LL BE KILLED,

BECAUSE EVERY WORD OUT OF YOUR PAINTED [BLEEP] SLOT

INSPIRES MURDER.

[ SCOFFS ]

WE'VE BEEN WITH THE CASE A LONG TIME.

IT GETS IN YOUR HEAD.

MM. RIGHT.

BUT FOR THE RECORD,

I'M FINE WITH BEING THE MARRY.

OH, WOULD YOU JUST GROW A PAIR?

I'M THE MARRY.

I CAN DRIVE STICK SHIFT, I LIKE FOOTBALL,

I CAN CUT HAIR, I CAN MAKE A BRAN MUFFIN --

YOU ARE DEFINITELY THE KILL.

NO, NO, NO, NO -- I'M THE MARRY. YES, YOU ARE.

OR I'M THE "F," OR I'M BOTH. PLEASE.

I'M THE MARRY. I'M THE ONE WITH THE DSLs. YOU SHOULD TAKE MY CLASS.

AND I'M THE MARRY WHO YOU ALSO WANT TO "F."

LISTEN! NO ONE WANTS TO "F" YOU.

THAT'S WHY I'M THE MARRY,

BECAUSE YOU STILL HAVE TO WANT TO "F" THE MARRY.

SOMETIMES TWICE A WEEK.

I'M THE MARRY, BITCHES.

THE QUESTION I GET ASKED MOST AFTER,

"HEY, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO LOUIS LaFONDA?"

HAS TO BE, "HOW ON EARTH

DOES A SHOW LIKE 'NEWSREADERS' GET MADE?"

TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION,

WE TAKE YOU TO THE OTHER SIDE OF OUR CAMERAS

FOR THE STORY BEHIND THE STORIES.

YOU'RE PROBABLY FAMILIAR WITH THIS SCENE.

AND TONIGHT, WE'LL MEET A MAN WHO HAS NEVER MET A MAN, EVER.

ALL THAT AND MORE TONIGHT ON "NEWSREADERS."

WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT BE AWARE OF

IS HOW MUCH WORK IT TAKES TO PUT TOGETHER A SINGLE STORY

BEFORE IT IS READY FOR BROADCAST.

TAKE A LOOK BEHIND THE SCENES AT OUR "NEWSREADERS" OFFICES,

AND THE FIRST THING YOU WILL NOTICE IS

IT IS A HIVE OF ACTIVITY.

COME ON, PRINCESS -- MOVE IT, MOVE IT.

THE NEWS FLOOR PULSES WITH PRODUCERS,

ASSOCIATE PRODUCERS, CAMERAMEN, GRIPS,

GAFFERS, AND SUPPORT STAFF.

IT TAKES A LOT OF TALENTED JOURNALISTS

TO MAKE AN EPISODE OF "NEWSREADERS,"

AND IT ALL STARTS BEFORE MOST PEOPLE

HAVE EVEN HAD THEIR COFFEE.

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER REG MINTON RUNS THE MORNING MEETING.

BRUCE, WHAT DO YOU GOT?

GUN LOBBIES, BANKROLLING,

A MISINFORMATION CAMPAIGN.

NOBODY CARES ABOUT GUN CONTROL ANYMORE.

Hemingway: REG IS TOUGH,

BUT GETTING A STORY RIGHT IS EVEN TOUGHER.

I MIGHT BE GOING OUT ON A LIMB HERE,

BUT HOW ABOUT WE DO A FEATURE ON KATE BECKINSALE?

YEAH.

Hemingway: VIDEO EDITORS AND PRODUCERS

DELIVER ROUGH CUTS TO THE CONTROL ROOM

THROUGHOUT THE DAY.

AT 4:00 P.M., THE BROADCAST LINEUP IS SET.

BUT SCRIPTS WILL CONTINUE TO BE REWRITTEN

SOMETIMES RIGHT UP UNTIL AIR.

ARE WE CLEARED TO SAY

THAT THE HOSPITAL KNEW THE VACCINES WERE CONTAMINATED?

STILL WAITING TO HEAR BACK FROM LEGAL, CHIEF.

THERE ISN'T ENOUGH TIME.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE IT TO "ALLEGEDLY."

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS A 10:00 A.M. CONVERSATION,

NOT A 5:00 P.M. ONE. [ GROANS ]

AS AIR TIME APPROACHES,

HAIR AND MAKEUP IS THE FIRST STOP FOR CORRESPONDENTS.

PILLOWS MAKES US CAMERA-READY,

AND REVISED SCRIPTS ARE DISTRIBUTED.

IT'S MINUTES TO AIR,

AND DIRECTOR KELSON HOBSON TAKES OVER.

WHO'S GOT MY RUNDOWN?

WHERE'S MY DAMN RUNDOWN?!

BY THE TIME YOU HEAR THOSE FAMILIAR WORDS...

ALL OF THAT AND MORE NEXT WEEK ON "NEWSREADERS."

Man: CUT! WHOO!

OHO!

Hemingway: ...THE "NEWSREADERS" TEAM

IS ALREADY HARD AT WORK ON THE NEXT SHOW.

SO WHEN PEOPLE ASK WHAT MAKES UP A "NEWSREADERS" BROADCAST,

TELL THEM IT'S A LOT OF ELBOW GREASE, DOGGED REPORTING,

AND THE INMATES FROM THE LAKE HOWARD MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON

IN PENSACOLA, FLORIDA.

TONIGHT, SKIP REMING HAS SOME VERY PUBLIC THOUGHTS

ABOUT PRIVACY.

I COULD GIVE TWO MOUSE TURDS

AND A BABY ASPIRIN ABOUT MY PRIVACY

BECAUSE SKIP REMING'S LIVED HIS LIFE LIKE AN OPEN BOOK.

WHEN I RAN AWAY FROM KINDERGARTEN

AND WENT TO WORK FOR A BOUNTY HUNTER NAMED MYSTERIOUS GUS,

KIDNAPPING MY FORMER CLASSMATES

AND SENDING THEM TO WORK IN THE URINAL-CAKE FACTORY,

I DIDN'T KEEP IT SOME KIND OF SECRET.

I WROTE ALL ABOUT IT IN MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY,

"HEY KID, WANT TO SEE WHERE THEY MAKE URINAL CAKES?"

A COUPLE YEARS LATER,

I DECIDED TO GET INTO THE HIGH-STAKES WORLD

OF STEALING RACEHORSE SEMEN.

WHEN PEOPLE ASKED WHAT I DID FOR A LIVING,

DID I TELL THEM TO MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS,

THAT IT WAS PRIVATE?

NO.

I GAVE THEM A COPY OF MY SECOND BOOK,

"DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE YOUR MOUTH."

AND WHEN I TOOK ALL THE MONEY THAT I'D EARN ROBBING PONY JUICE

AND REINVESTED IT INTO A SMALL BUSINESS,

DID I HIDE WHERE I GOT THE MONEY FROM?

NO.

I OPENED UP MY BOOKS, STARTING WITH THE ONE TITLED,

"KID BUSINESS: HOW I USED PROFITS FROM CHILD SLAVERY

AND PILFERED HORSE GRAVY TO BUY A URINAL CAKE FACTORY."

JOIN MY BOOK CLUB, AND YOU CAN GET ONE OF MY BOOKS EVERY MONTH,

FROM "A FEW GOOD WARS"

TO MY LATEST, "I WROTE THAT."

NEXT WEEK ON "NEWSREADERS,"

IN OUR CONTINUING COVERAGE OF LESBIANS UNTIL GRADUATION,

AMIR LARUSSA CATCHES UP WITH THE LUGS

HE HAS BEEN FOLLOWING SINCE 2011.

Larussa: SO, LIZZY, YOU'RE GRADUATING TOMORROW.

DO YOU THINK YOU'LL BE A LESBIAN AFTER THE GRADUATION?

OOH. "S" JUST GOT REAL.

I'M REAGAN BISCAYNE. GOOD NIGHT.