Original subtitles

Biscayne: TONIGHT ON "NEWSREADERS,"

WE'LL MEET A FORMER FORMER PORN STAR...

AND LATER, SOME THOUGHTS FROM HUMORIST JIM DAVIDSON.

SO, I'M AT THE ABORTION CLINIC THE OTHER DAY,

AND I HAVE TO SNEEZE.

AND I DO WHAT I THINK IS THE NORMAL THING --

[ SNEEZES ] YOU KNOW?

NO. THEY'RE LIKE, "NO, USE YOUR ELBOW.

"THAT'S THE NEW THING.

COVER YOUR SNEEZE WITH YOUR ELBOW."

AND I'M LIKE [SCOFFS] "WHAT KIND OF ABORTION CLINIC IS THIS?"

ALL THAT AND MORE THAT,

TONIGHT ON "NEWSREADERS."

THEY SAY YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE HOW THE SAUSAGE IS MADE,

BUT THEY WOULDN'T SAY THAT

IF THEY WATCHED TONIGHT'S "XANDRA'S TECH ZINE."

SAUSAGE DOESN'T GROW ON TREES,

BUT HOW COOL WOULD IT BE IF IT DID?

NO, SAUSAGE IS MADE HERE AT NEO SAUSAGE INDUSTRIES.

THE COMPANY WAS STARTED BY IVAN FOLANGE AND CHIP DUNSTREET.

ONE OF THEM HAS A COOL SURFER LOOK,

AND THE OTHER HAS GLASSES AND A CARDIGAN,

WHICH HE TOTALLY PULLS OFF.

THESE GUYS ARE IN THE BUSINESS OF MAKING TASTY TREATS

FOR YOUR EMPTY SAUSAGE HOLE.

I JUST SAID, YOU KNOW,

"THERE'S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY TO MAKE SAUSAGE."

TOTAL SAUSAGE FEST.

[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH, YEAH.

LIKE MOST IDEAS THAT START OUT L-O-L-ABLE

BUT TURN OUT TO BE TOTES AMAZEBALLS,

DUNSTREET AND FOLANGE CAME UP WITH THEIRS

IN A BAY AREA GARAGE,

EXCEPT INSTEAD OF A GARAGE,

THEIRS WAS ACTUALLY A DIVE BAR CALLED GARAGE.

THEY TOOK A LOOK AT THE SAUSAGE INDUSTRY

AND COULDN'T BELIEVE HOW HORRIBLE THE CONDITIONS WERE...

[ WORKERS GROANING ] ...FOR THE WORKERS.

SO, WITH A VENTURE-CAPITAL INVESTMENT,

THEY BOUGHT THIS MEAT PACKING PLANT IN OMAHA, NEBRASKA,

AND APPLIED THE RAD BUSINESS PRACTICES

THAT HAVE MADE SOFTWARE COMPANIES SO SUCCESSFUL.

IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT THE PRODUCT. IT'S ABOUT...

Both: PEOPLE. AND WE STARTED NEO.

NAMED AFTER MY SECOND FAVORITE CHARACTER FROM "THE MATRIX."

TOTALLY, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH.

TRINITY.

SORRY?

THAT'S MY FAVORITE CHARACTER FROM "THE MATRIX."

I MEAN, I'M NOT A LESBO, BUT TRINITY?

I'D GO DOWN ON THAT.

COOL. YEAH.

THEY THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING

TO CREATE A NEW KIND OF WORKPLACE

WHERE EMPLOYEES COME FIRST...

[ TOILET FLUSHING ]

...FROM UNISEX BATHROOMS

TO DAILY YOGA SESSIONS

AND FREE DAYCARE FOR ALL OF THEIR EMPLOYEES.

LET ME GET THAT OUT OF YOUR HAIR.

AND THEY EVEN HAVE A SUSHI BAR

WITH ROLLS NAMED AFTER PHILIP K. DICK NOVELS.

HE'S AN AUTHOR THAT SOME PEOPLE LIKE

AND OTHER PEOPLE PRETEND TO LIKE.

[ MEAT GRINDERS BUZZING ] THE PACKAGING ROOM.

EXERCISE BALLS ARE BETTER FOR THE BACK,

AND THEY HELP STRENGTHEN THE CORE.

HERE. TRY ONE.

OOH. I CAN REALLY FEEL IT WORKING.

[ GIGGLES ]

DON'T TOUCH MY BUTT.

TOUCH MY BUTT. [ GIGGLES ]

[ PIGS SQUEALING ]

[ GIGGLES ]

ALL OF THESE CYBER MEAT OPS ARE SO THESE PORK PIED PIPERS

CAN BRING JUICY LOVE TO THEIR CUSTOMERS.

WITHIN FIVE YEARS, WE'LL BE ABLE TO FULFILL

ALL OUR ORDERS BY UNMANNED DRONE.

THAT'S HELICOPS COOL.

WE'RE REALLY COMMITTED TO REDUCING OUR CARBON FOOTPRINT.

YOLO! [ GIGGLES ]

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]

HOLD THE PHONE.

IS THAT THE "F" WHAT I THINK IT WAS?

IT WAS.

AN ATM WITH NO FEES!

AAH! [ SQUEALS ]

I CAN'T WAIT!

[ BLOOD SPLASHING ] WHOO!

SUM UP NEO'S SAUSAGE PHILOSOPHY IN ONE WORD.

AND "BOSS," "RADLICIOUNESS," "TOTES AMAZEBALLS,"

AND "HELLA MIN" ARE ALREADY TAKEN.

Both: HUMANE.

BECAUSE OF THE WAY YOU TREAT PEOPLE.

DEFINITELY. YEAH.

AND WHAT ABOUT THE PIGS? HOW ARE THEY TREATED?

IT'S DISGUSTING. IT'S REALLY JUST -- OH, AWFUL. GOD AWFUL.

I MEAN, YOU SAW. IT'S LITERALLY A SLAUGHTERHOUSE.

SO, WE SHOULDN'T CHECK THAT OUT, OR...? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

OH, NO, NO, NO. DEFINITELY NOT. TRUST ME.

YOU HEARD THE SQUEALING. THEIR SCREAMS SOUND HUMAN.

THERE'S A LOT OF BLOOD, WAY MORE BLOOD THAN YOU'D THINK INITIALLY.

MOSTLY BLOOD. IT'LL HAUNT YOU. COOL.

'CAUSE I'M A PRACTICING VEGAN WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT FOR ME.

US, TOO! OH, US, TOO! YEAH. THAT'S SO COOL.

SO, HOW IS THIS SAUSAGE MADE? WITH LOVE.

AND ALSO LIPS, INTESTINES, NITRATES, RIBOFLAVIN,

AMOXICILLIN, AND EVEN POO SOMETIMES,

BUT MOSTLY LOVE.

THANKS, XANDRA. PERSONAL REQUEST --

SLAVE LEIA. THANKS.

PEOPLE THINK THAT YOU CAN PLAY THE LOTTERY AND HIT IT BIG.

BUT DESPITE WHAT YOU MAY THINK,

THE LIFE OF A MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR LOTTERY WINNER

ISN'T ALL PRIVATE JETS,

PANDA MEAT SLIDERS, AND LEATHER CRAYONS.

NO, THE REALITY OF WINNING THE LOTTERY

IS QUITE THE OPPOSITE.

JUST ASK SHAWN SHERMAN.

TWO YEARS AGO, SHAWN SHERMAN OF FRESNO, CALIFORNIA,

WAS JUST YOUR AVERAGE MAINTENANCE MAN

AT A TRAMPOLINE PARK.

AND THEN HE WON THE $675 MILLION LOTTERY JACKPOT,

AND EVERYTHING CHANGED.

MY WHOLE LIFE HAS CHANGED. IT'S, UH -- IT'S AWESOME.

WE'VE ALL HEARD THE STORIES

ABOUT HOW WINNING THE LOTTERY ACTUALLY TEARS LIVES APART.

WHAT KINDS OF BURDENS HAVE YOU HAD TO FACE?

BURDENS.

UH, WELL, WINNING THE LOTTERY

IS LIKE KANYE'S MONEY IMPREGNATED JAY Z's MONEY

AND GAVE BIRTH TO A BUNCH OF MULTIMILLIONETTES.

IS THAT A BURDEN?

WELL, IT'S CERTAINLY A CONFUSING METAPHOR

ABOUT ANTHROPOMORPHIC MONEY.

WHAT ABOUT THE TAXES? OH, IT'S A PRIVILEGE TO PAY TAXES.

WITH MY TAX DOLLARS,

THE CITY OF FRESNO RE-PAVES ITS ROADS EVERY DAY,

AND ALL THE PUBLIC BATHROOMS HAVE DISPOSABLE TOILETS.

WHAT ABOUT ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WIN THE LOTTERY

AND SUDDENLY FIND THEMSELVES FACED WITH BANKRUPTCY,

DIVORCE, ADDICTED TO DRUGS, BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF?

OH. WELL, I FEEL BAD FOR THEM.

UH, SHOULD I WRITE THEM A CHECK?

NO. DON'T. THAT'S -- I'M...

YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT.

[ CLEARS THROAT ] WAIT A SECOND.

THE TOILET ITSELF IS DISPOSABLE?

YES, SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO SIT IN ANYONE ELSE'S PEE.

YOU CAN JUST PLOP DOWN, DO YOUR BUSINESS,

THEN THROW THE WHOLE THING AWAY.

WE HAVE THEM HERE.

I MEAN, EVERYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE IS BETTER.

[ CHUCKLES ]

BETTER? OR WORSE THAN BETTER?

TAKE A STROLL AROUND SHAWN'S PALATIAL MANSION,

AND YOU'LL SEE THE CORROSIVE EFFECTS OF INSTANT WEALTH

AROUND EVERY CORNER.

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

HE'S GOT AN ORGY DEN.

THAT IS AWESOME. I HATE THIS GUY.

[ SIGHS ]

Biscayne: WHAT'S IT LIKE HAVING ALL THIS MONEY?

Sherman: IT'S AMAZING.

I FEEL LIKE I'VE WON THE LOTTERY.

YOU DID, AND IT'S CLEAR

THAT IT IS LEADING YOU DOWN SOME VERY DANGEROUS PATHS.

YOU --

THAT'S...NOT YOUR WIFE? NO.

TELL ME THAT'S NOT YOUR WIFE.

THAT'S NOT MY WIFE. THAT'S MY FIANCéE, LUCY.

[ TRAMPOLINE CREAKING ]

SHAWN, SHAWN...

[SIGHS] SHE'S A GOLD DIGGER.

SHE'S USING YOU, OKAY?

NO. SHE IS USING YOU FOR HER MONEY

TO SUPPORT HER IDLE, CUSHY, TRAMPOLINE-JUMPING LIFESTYLE.

[ CHUCKLES ] WHY'S SHE TOWELING OFF?

IT'S NOT LIKE SHE GOT OUT OF THE POOL.

SHE JUST GOT OFF OF A TRAMPOLINE. SHE'S NOT EVEN SWEATY.

WELL, SHE JUST... LIKES TO TOWEL OFF.

Biscayne: ANY FINANCIAL ADVISOR WILL TELL YOU

ORDINARY PEOPLE SIMPLY CANNOT HANDLE INSTANT WEALTH.

I SPOKE TO SHAWN SHERMAN'S ACCOUNTANT

SO HE COULD TELL ME THAT ON CAMERA.

MR. SHERMAN HAS SPENT OVER $150 MILLION OF HIS LOTTERY WIN.

HMM. SO, AT THAT RATE,

HE'LL BE BROKE IN LESS THAN A YEAR.

UH, NO.

HIS CURRENT NET WORTH IS ACTUALLY TWICE AS HIGH

AS THE DAY HE WON THE MEGA MILLIONS JACKPOT.

NO.

HE BOUGHT 70 MILLION MORE LOTTERY TICKETS

AND THEN WON THREE ADDITIONAL TIMES.

[ Laughing ] WHAT?

ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

I'M SORRY.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY, GASPS ]

THINK ABOUT IT THIS WAY. MM-HMM.

EVERYONE KNOWS IF THEY HAD ONE WISH, THE SMARTEST THING TO DO

WOULD BE WISH FOR A THOUSAND MORE WISHES,

AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DID.

YOU FOUND A GENIE, TOO?

NO.

BUT I DID WIN SEVERAL TIMES ON THE GENIE SCRATCH-OFF.

OH, MY GOODNESS! I WON AGAIN?

Biscayne: SO, FOR SHAWN SHERMAN, LIFE IS AN ORGY OF WINNING...

AND AN ORGY OF REGULAR ORGIES.

OKAY. OKAY.

UM, YOU WIN. GREAT.

IT'S GREAT TO WIN THE LOTTERY. YOU HAPPY?

WELL, YE-- DON'T ANSWER THAT.

OKAY. [ CHUCKLES ]

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

OKAY.

NOW SHE'S DRIPPING WET, AND SHE'S NOT TOWELING OFF.

WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

[ CHUCKLES ] WINNING THE LOTTERY HAS MADE ME SO --

IF I HEAR YOU SAY THAT YOU ARE HAPPY ONE MORE TIME,

I'M GONNA SLAM MY CLOSED FIST INTO YOUR MOUTH SO HARD

IT WILL COME OFF OF YOU!

YOUR MOUTH WILL COME OFF OF YOUR FACE!

WELL, I AM HAPPY. SHUT --

[ BOTH GRUNTING ]

UNH! UNH! UNH!

AAH! UNH!

AAH! YEAH!

WHY DOES THIS FEEL SO GOOD?

[ GRUNTING ]

[ PANTING ]

I TOLD YOU!

WINNING THE LOTTERY WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE!

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK

WHEN WE MEET A MAN WHO DOESN'T HAVE A MOUTH ON HIS FACE.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

[ GRUNTS ]

REAGAN BISCAYNE HAS BEEN PLACED

ON INDEFINITE ADMINISTRATIVE LEAVE.

COMING UP NEXT WEEK ON "NEWSREADERS,"

CIRCUS ANIMALS -- ARE THEY MISTREATED?

OR DO THEY ENJOYED BEING DRESSED UP IN SPANGLY COSTUMES

AND TAUNTED WITH WHIPS?

WE'LL HEAR BOTH SIDES OF THE STORY.

ALSO, IS MEDICINAL COCAINE THE NEXT MEDICINAL MARIJUANA?

THIS MAN HOPES SO.

AND THE CHUPACABRA --

WHY IT TASTES MORE LIKE ALLIGATOR THAN CHICKEN.

I'M AMIR LARUSSA. GOOD NIGHT.