Original subtitles

>> Biscayne: TONIGHT ON

"NEWSREADERS," IS VHS THE NEW

VINYL?

THIS GUY WHO WENT TO OBERLIN TWO

YEARS AGO THINKS SO.

AND HUMORIST JIM DAVIDSON WILL

BE HERE WITH SOME OF HIS

MUSINGS.

>> CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN

TO ME WHAT THE POINT OF

CHOPSTICKS ARE?

[ CHUCKLES ]

I MEAN, OTHER THAN EATING FOOD

IN A CHINESE RESTAURANT, I DON'T

SEE THE POINT.

>> Biscayne: ALL THAT AND MORE

TONIGHT...

ON "NEWSREADERS."

FIRST, TONIGHT, WHAT'S IN A

NAME?

EVERYTHING, IF YOU'RE TRYING TO

MAKE IT IN ROCKIN' AND ROLLIN'.

CLAVIS KIM HAS MORE.

>> "FEROCIOUS BABY."

WHAT?!

>> THAT'S GOOD.

>> WISDOM AND OZ FOSS ARE

CO-C.E.O.s OF A STARTUP CALLED

"BAND NAMES-R-US."

THE NAME OF THE COMPANY SAYS IT

ALL.

"US," BEING THESE GUYS, "R"

PAID TO NAME ROCK BANDS.

IT'S THE GREATEST MUSIC-BUSINESS

SUCCESS STORY SINCE THE

ROLLING STONES SENT THEIR

HOLOGRAMS OUT ON TOUR, AND

IT ALL BEGAN RIGHT HERE.

[ DOOR SQUEAKING ]

THEY WERE JUST A COUPLE OF KIDS

FROM AKRON, OHIO, WITH LITTLE

MUSICAL TALENT AND BIG

ROCK-'N'-ROLL DREAMS.

BEGINNING IN JUNIOR HIGH, THEY

PLAYED IN AWFUL BANDS WITH

FANTASTIC NAMES, NAMES LIKE

PART EAGLE, FULL OF RADIOS, AND

CYNICAL BEST.

>> WE HAD A LOT OF GREAT BAND

NAMES, SO WE GOT BOOKED A TON.

AND THEN WHEN WE WOULD PLAY THE

MUSIC AT THE SHOW, EVERYBODY

WOULD LEAVE.

>> THEY HAVE NO INNATE MUSICAL

ABILITIES, YET THEY ARE BEING

CALLED THE LENNON AND McCARTNEY

OF SOMETHING ELSE.

>> COMING UP WITH BAND NAMES.

>> HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU

GUYS TO COME UP WITH A REALLY

GOOD BAND NAME?

>> A SECOND, MAYBE LESS.

>> I MEAN, PROBABLY LESS.

>> OKAY, COME UP WITH ONE RIGHT

NOW.

>> ALL RIGHT.

HELLO MENU, TWO-PIECE GAME,

COMPLICATED RADAR...

>> COMPLICATED RADAR.

>> ...UH, HOTEL CLEANER OF THE

NAMELESS CUNNING...

>> WHEW.

>> ...CAPTAIN BOGUS.

>> [ Chuckling ] THAT'S AWESOME.

OZ?

>> RIGHT. RIGHT.

UM, WELL, SLAP ME SOME FIVE.

THAT WOULD BE GOOD.

>> UH, SUFFOCATE SINCE PLUTO,

RESPONSE OF THE WONDER.

>> LEFT-LEANING BASS.

ANTLER...LAMP?

ANTLER -- ANTLER LAMPS.

UM...

>> ARK OF THE DOGS.

>> ARK OF THE DOGS!

>> YOU KNOW, HAMMERS, GARAGE

HAMMERS.

>> I MEAN, I LIKE SOME OF THAT.

I LIKE "MEAT," AND I LIKE

"MUFFIN," BUT NOT TOGETHER.

>> THE SECRET TO THEIR SUCCESS

HAS NOT JUST BEEN ABOUT WHAT

THEY CAN DO.

>> JUST FOR ONE SECOND, LOOK.

>> THAT'S A DOG.

>> IT HAS ALSO BEEN ABOUT WHO

THEY KNOW.

>> WELL, WE GREW UP WITH THE

GUYS IN THE BLACK KEYS.

>> REALLY?

>> YOU KNOW THEY USED TO BE

CALLED THE PEARLY WHITE

TINKLERS?

>> YEAH, WHICH I LIKED,

ACTUALLY.

>> YOU KNOW, AND THEN WE GAVE

THEM THE NAME THE BLACK KEYS,

AND THEN -- BAM -- DOUBLE

PLATINUM.

>> WISDOM AND OZ ENDED UP IN

THAT CONFERENCE ROOM BECAUSE

THEY ATTRACTED THE ATTENTION OF

INVESTOR ARIC BEVIN GULLY.

>> I LIKE THEIR SOUND.

>> THEIR SOUND?

>> YEAH, THE SOUND OF THE BAND

NAMES THAT WERE COMING OUT OF

THEIR MOUTHS.

>> SO, YOU LIKE THEIR BAND

NAMES.

>> YES.

>> WITH AN INVESTMENT FROM

GULLY, BAND NAMES-R-US WAS BORN.

>> WISDOM IS A GENIUS.

I MEAN...

>> YEAH.

>> ...NOBODY PAIRS RANDOM WORDS

AND GLOTTAL STOPS LIKE WISDOM.

OZ -- HE, UH -- HE HAS A VAN,

AND HE GETS WISDOM TO WORK ON

TIME, BUT HE SUCKS AT

NAME-COMING-UP-WITH.

>> SO, DID HE COME UP WITH THE

NAME BAND NAMES-R-US?

>> NO. I DID.

>> OH.

>> IT'S A GOOD-SIZED BRAND.

>> IT'S REAL CREATIVE, YEAH.

WITHIN A YEAR, BAND NAMES-R-US

HAD ROCKETED TO THE TOP OF THE

DOW STOCK CHARTS AND BILLBOARD'S

TOP BAND-NAMING COMPANIES

EXCHANGE.

>> WE GOT THREE SUPERGROUPS, A

DANISH POWER TRIO, AND A

BIRACIAL INGENUE CHANTEUSE FROM

OTTAWA THAT WE NEED TO NAME BY

11:00.

>> BARELY HIATUS,

HELICOPTER AWARD, AND

CAMP ROBOT.

>> I LOVE IT. OZ?

>> CAMP ROW...BOAT.

>> HOW ABOUT BRAND GRENADE,

15 OF THE WRECKING, OR

PLOW RIOT?

>> BIG TABLE AND THE -- AND

THE -- EVERYONE IS -- UH,

AND THE CARPET.

>> BUT AS WITH ALL TELEVISED

STORIES ABOUT MUSICIANS,

SOMETHING CAME BETWEEN THESE

BANDMATES.

>> CONFERENCE FRIENDS EAT...

>> IT JUST DIDN'T SEEM LIKE OZ

WAS ABLE TO --

>> HE SUCKED.

>> UH...

>> HE WAS TERRIBLE.

>> HE, UH --

>> HE WAS YOUR YOKO ONO.

>> WOW, "YOUR YOKO" IS A GREAT

NAME FOR A BAND.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> REALLY?

>> YEAH.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> BUT, YES, HE WAS MY

YOKO ONO.

>> AND THAT WASN'T LOST ON

ARIC BEVIN GULLY.

HE RECENTLY FIRED OZ AND THE

OTHER TWO BAND MEMBERS, LEAVING

ONLY WISDOM.

AND HE DECIDED TO PICK UP THE

SLACK HIMSELF.

>> YOU THINK LESBO SALAMI IS

TAKEN?

>> I SERIOUSLY DOUBT IT.

>> COOL! I'M ON A ROLL.

OH, UH,

INTERGALACTIC HOMO SAPIEN!

NO! YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT'S GOT "HOMO" IN IT.

DOWN SPINDROME -- FOR A DRUM

BAND.

>> THAT'S GREAT.

GREAT WORK, MAN.

>> WORKS FOR A JAM BAND, TOO.

UH...

>> I MISS MY BROTHER.

>> MISS MY BROTHER?

SOUNDS KIND OF GAY.

I LIKE MISTER MISTER, THOUGH.

>> YOU'RE A REMINDER OF WHAT'S

BECOME OF MY LIFE.

>> OOH.

LIFE TOILET!

>> SO, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING

WHILE YOUR BROTHER IS AT WORK?

HITTING ROCK BOTTOM?

>> NO, ACTUALLY.

WE -- WE RENAMED THE BAND, AND

WE GOT A RECORD CONTRACT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

EVER SINCE MY BROTHER LEFT THE

BAND, ACTUALLY, EVERYTHING SORT

OF JUST FELL INTO PLACE.

>> SO, HE WAS THE CRAPPY

MUSICIAN WHO WAS HOLDING YOU

BACK.

>> YES. YOU GET IT.

OH, GOD, THAT'S WHY WE NAMED THE

BAND AFTER YOU.

>> YOU NAMED THE BAND AFTER ME?

>> OH, YEAH.

>> WH-WHAT'S THIS BAND CALLED?

>> ASIAN QUESTION ASKER.

>> Biscayne: FOOTBALL, OR, AS

THE SPANISH CALL IT,

FúTBOL AMERICANO.

IT USED TO BE A GAME OF BRUTE

FORCE, BUT THANKS TO ONE COACH,

FOOTBALL IS NOW A GAME OF

NUMBERS.

SADEE DEENUS HAS MáS.

>> I WANT THESE LINES

CONVERGING, OKAY?

>> COACH PHIL TYLER OF THE

KANSAS CITY MISSOURIHAWKS IS

BRINGING THE COMPUTER REVOLUTION

TO THE FOOTBALL FIELD.

>> BASEBALL HAS HISTORICALLY

BEEN THOUGHT OF THE GAME OF

STATISTICS.

>> MM-HMM.

>> I'D LIKE TO TURN FOOTBALL

INTO AS MIND-NUMBINGLY BORING A

SPORT AS BASEBALL, AS FAR AS

ANALYZING IT.

TO WATCH IT, IT'LL STILL BE

EXCITING, BUT TO THINK ABOUT IT,

IT SHOULD START TO GET ANNOYING

AND FRUSTRATING.

>> BUT NOBODY SEEMS FRUSTRATED

WITH THE COACH'S RESULTS.

CLARK JABS HAS BEEN COVERING

COACH TYLER SINCE TYLER WAS AN

OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR WITH THE

TAMPA BAY FLORIDACATS.

>> IT'S A FORMULA FOR SUCCESS.

IT'S A MATHEMATICAL EQUATION

THAT COACH TYLER HAS BROKEN DOWN

ON, I-I WANT TO SAY, THE

MICROBIAL LEVEL.

I DON'T WANT TO SAY SUBATOMIC

'CAUSE THAT'S -- YOU KNOW,

EVERYONE SAYS THAT.

BUT I WANT TO SAY ON A MICROBIAL

LEVEL.

>> SO, COACH TYLER HAS REALLY

FIGURED OUT SOMETHING NEW.

>> OH, ABSOLUTELY.

SOME OF THE STUFF HE'S DOING IS

BEYOND REVOLUTIONARY.

HE'S IN THE SHOWERS GIVING NOTES

ALL THE TIME.

>> MM-HMM.

>> HE'S ASSEMBLING A TEAM, A

TEAM FULL OF HARD BODIES THAT HE

WANTS TO MOLD AND TOUCH.

>> WELL, HOLD ON.

HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

>> WHILE HIS STRATEGIC APPROACH

ON THE FIELD HAS WON HIM MANY

FANS, OFF THE FIELD, HE HAS BEEN

CRITICIZED FOR BEING COLD,

ROBOTIC, AND BELICHICK-Y.

BUT COACH TYLER'S PLAYERS TELL A

DIFFERENT STORY.

DEFENSIVE END DEANDRE KUIPER HAS

WON THREE CHAMPIONSHIP RINGS

WITH THE MISSOURIHAWKS.

>> HE PROMOTES A CULTURE OF

WINNING, USING COMPUTER NUMBERS

TO SHOW ME DIFFERENT WAYS TO

LOOK AT DEFENSE, THE WAY WE

PRACTICE TO THE SLEEPOVERS AT

HIS HOUSE TO TAKING NAKED

POLAROIDS OF ME.

>> AND THE COMPUTERS?

>> [ SCOFFS ]

THAT'S JUST A BUNCH OF ONES AND

ZEROS TO ME, MAN.

>> ZERO -- THAT'S ABOUT HOW

MUCH I UNDERSTAND.

MISSOURIHAWKS OWNER

MAYHEW KETCHUP SURELY BELIEVES

IN TYLER'S GREATNESS.

HE $26 MILLION BELIEVES BECAUSE

THAT'S WHAT HE'S PAYING HIM.

>> COACH TYLER HAS BEEN A

GAME-CHANGER FOR US.

THE PLAYERS RESPECT HIM, BUT

THEY ALSO KNOW THEY CAN HAVE

TICKLE PARTIES ONE-ON-ONE WITH

HIM ANYTIME.

>> AND WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THE

CRITICS WHO THINK COACH TYLER'S

ANALYTICAL APPROACH COMES OFF AS

ALOOF AND ANTISOCIAL?

>> WELL, I CAN SEE HOW HE'D HAVE

THAT REPUTATION, FROM HIS

POSTGAME INTERVIEWS AND HIS

RELIANCE ON SOFTWARE, BUT AROUND

HERE HE'S JUST ANOTHER GUY

TRYING TO WIN GAMES, YOU KNOW,

CORNHOLING YOU IN THE SHOWER.

>> HIS PLAYERS -- THEY WANT TO

WIN.

THEY WANT TO SNUGGLE, MAYBE KISS

FOR A LONG TIME.

THEY COME TO PLAY.

>> OFF THE FIELD, COACH TYLER'S

HOUSE IS SPARSE AND BARE-BONED.

JUST LIKE AT WORK, THERE ARE

VERY FEW DISTRACTIONS.

>> I GUESS I JUST NEVER GOT

AROUND TO DECORATING TOO MUCH.

I GOT MY COMPUTER ROOM.

I GOT A PRETTY GOOD SNUGGLE CAVE

FOR WHEN THE GUYS COME OVER.

I GOT THAT TOASTER I'VE NEVER

USED.

I EAT MOST OF MY MEALS OVER AT

THE STADIUM.

>> I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THE

COMPUTER ROOM.

>> OH, LET ME SHOW YOU.

IT'S RIGHT OVER HERE BY THE LUBE

CLOSET.

>> GREAT.

>> BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, NO-HUDDLE.

DOWN!

>> BUT WITH SUCCESS COME THE

INEVITABLE IMITATORS.

>> A LOT OF COACHES NOW ARE

ADOPTING HIS TECHNIQUES -- THE

FORMULAS, THE ALGORITHMS, THE

SPOONING.

THE TURNAROUND, THE NAKEDNESS,

THE SLIDING?

THAT IS STUFF THAT PEOPLE HAVE

NOT EVEN BEGUN TO SCRATCH THE

SURFACE OF.

>> COACH TYLER TUNES ALL THIS

TALK OUT, KEEPING A LASER-LIKE

FOCUS ON WHAT GOT HIM WHERE HE

IS TODAY.

>> I'M NOT CONCERNED WITH OTHER

TEAMS.

THEY MAY HAVE THE SAME COMPUTERS

AS ME, BUT THEY DON'T PUSH THE

SAME BUTTONS.

>> SO, YOU'RE NOT WORRIED.

>> I WANT TO WIN.

I'M ALWAYS WORRIED.

THAT'S WHY WE HUG EACH OTHER IN

DUVET FORTS, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S WHY WE PLAY THE GAME.

>> Biscayne: NEXT WEEK ON

"NEWSREADERS," DAVID HASSELHOFF

TELLS US ABOUT HIS EXPLOSIVE

REUNION WITH "BAYWATCH" COSTAR

PAMELA ANDERSON.

>> WE MET AT THIS REALLY FANCY

VEGAN PLACE THAT PAMMY PICKED

OUT.

>> Biscayne: OF COURSE.

>> AND WHEN WE GET THERE, THE

"VALET" IS CHARGING $12 FOR

PARKING.

AND HE'S PARKING THE CAR LIKE

THREE FEET AWAY.

AND I'M SAYING, "WHY DON'T YOU

JUST HAVE YOUR OWN PARKING LOT,

AND I'LL PARK THE CAR MYSELF?"

>> Biscayne: TOO BAD THAT KITT

WASN'T THERE.

HE COULD HAVE DROPPED YOU OFF,

RIGHT?

>> WHAT?

>> Biscayne: KITT.

>> OH, YEAH.

YEAH, RIGHT.

BUT, ANYWAY, YOU KNOW WHAT I

DID?

>> Biscayne: WHAT?

>> I DROVE MY CAR DOWN TO THE

AU BON PAIN, WHICH IS JUST DOWN

THE STREET ABOUT A BLOCK AWAY,

WHERE IT SAYS "CUSTOMER PARKING

ONLY."

>> Biscayne: OKAY.

>> AND I BOUGHT A CUP OF COFFEE

AND A MUFFIN...

>> Biscayne: [ LAUGHS ]

>> ...LEFT MY CAR THERE, AND

WALKED BACK TO THE RESTAURANT,

HAD LUNCH WITH PAMMY.

>> Biscayne: THAT'S SMART.

>> YEAH, IT'S REALLY SMART, YOU

KNOW?

I MEAN, IT ONLY COST ME 3 BUCKS

FOR THE COFFEE AND THE MUFFIN,

AND I WASN'T ABOUT TO PAY

12 BUCKS TO THAT FRICKIN' VALET.

I MEAN, COME ON.

WHAT KIND OF MONSTER CHARGES

THAT KIND OF MONEY FOR PARKING?

THAT'S RIDICULOUS!

>> Biscayne: SO, WHAT HAPPENED

WITH THE LUNCH?

>> OH!

WELL, PAMMY AND I...

ARE FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK, SO WE

DIDN'T REALLY HAVE THAT MUCH TO

CATCH UP ON.

>> Biscayne: I'M

REAGAN BISCAYNE.

GOOD NIGHT.