Original subtitles

>> Biscayne: TONIGHT ON

"NEWSREADERS," WE'LL FIND OUT

WHY THE DECLINE OF ADULT-VIDEO

STORES IS DESTROYING THE LIFE OF

THIS SALOON-DOOR DESIGNER.

ALSO, WE GO TO OSAKA, JAPAN, TO

MEET 119-YEAR-OLD TAKISHI SABUA,

A MAN WHO COULD DIE AT ANY

MOMENT.

ALL THAT AND MORE, TONIGHT ON

"NEWSREADERS."

FIRST TONIGHT, SADEE DEENUS HAS

ONE OF THOSE

TELEVISION-NEWS-MAGAZINE STORIES

ABOUT A REALLY RICH GUY WHO MADE

SO MUCH MONEY THAT HE CAN DO

WHATEVER HE WANTS.

YOU KNOW THE ONES.

SADEE?

>> HOTEL MOGUL REESE BALLARD IS

THE DARLING OF WALL STREET.

A BILLIONAIRE SEVERAL TIMES

OVER, HE TOPS EVERY LIST OF

HANDSOME C.E.O.s.

BALLARD REVOLUTIONIZED THE

INDUSTRY BY CREATING COMPLETELY

CUSTOMIZABLE HOTELS.

>> TELL US WHAT KIND OF PILLOW

YOU HAVE AT HOME.

WE WILL HAVE IT WAITING THERE

FOR YOU WHEN YOU ARRIVE.

OUR IN-SHOWER WATERFALLS WILL

AUTOMATICALLY ADJUST TO YOUR

HEIGHT.

LIVE WITH YOUR MOTHER?

SHE WILL BE THERE.

>> I POOP IN A CAT BOX.

>> WHAT KIND OF LITTER DO YOU

PREFER?

>> CLAY-BASED, NON-CLUMPING.

>> DONE.

>> YOU HAVE THOUGHT OF

EVERYTHING.

>> THAT'S BALLARD.

>> WOW.

THESE DAYS, BALLARD SPENDS MOST

OF HIS TIME AS AN ADVENTURER,

PHILANTHROPIST, OR

"ADVENTROPIST."

HE'S DONE IT ALL, FROM USING

HIS FORTUNE TO BRING CLEAN

DRINKING WATER TO SUB-SAHARAN

AFRICA TO BRINGING HISTORICALLY

ACCURATE SPORTS-CHAMPIONSHIP

SHIRTS TO WESTERN AFRICA.

BUT BALLARD SHOCKED THE WORLD

WHEN HE ANNOUNCED HIS LATEST

CHALLENGE.

>> I'M GOING TO HELL.

>> WHY HELL?

WHY NOW?

>> YOU KNOW, IT'S THE LAST

GREAT CHALLENGE.

NOBODY'S EVER DONE IT AND COME

BACK TO TALK ABOUT IT.

>> SO, WHY NOT GO TO HEAVEN?

>> OH, I'VE BEEN TO HEAVEN.

IT'S CALLED A BALLARD LUXE

BOUTIQUE HOTEL.

>> THAT IS TREMENDOUS.

BALLARD IS EXPLORING EVERY

POSSIBLE WAY TO GET TO HELL AND

HAS ASSEMBLED A TEAM OF LEADING

EXPERTS, RANGING FROM GEOLOGISTS

TO PARTICLE PHYSICISTS TO

NANOTECHNOLOGISTS.

HE EVEN HAS THE TOP RELIGIOUS

SCHOLARS IN THE WORLD WORKING ON

THE PROJECT.

>> YOU EVER HEAR THE ONE ABOUT

THE PRIEST, THE MINISTER, AND

THE RABBI WHO HELPED ME TRAVEL

TO HELL?

>> YES, BUT IT WAS IN A BAR,

AND THE RABBI HAD A PARROT ON

HIS SHOULDER WITH A HUGE DICK.

>> AAH!

>> AH. THAT IS JOVIE.

I HAVE HIM TRIPPING BALLS ON

AYAHUASCA TEA.

SAYS HE'S IN COMMUNICATION WITH

MACHINE ELVES AND THE FABRIC OF

TIME.

>> BALLARD HAS KNOWN NOTHING

BUT SUCCESS IN LIFE, BUT HE'S

WELL AWARE THIS LATEST ADVENTURE

COULD END IN FAILURE.

>> EVEN WITH ALL THESE

RESOURCES, THERE IS ONE THING

THAT KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT.

>> DOES HELL EVEN EXIST?

>> NO, NO, NOT THAT.

IF I GET TO HELL, WILL THEY EVEN

LET ME IN?

>> WHY WOULDN'T THEY?

>> I MAY HAVE DONE TOO MUCH

GOOD.

>> AFTER MONTHS OF PLANNING AND

RESEARCH, BALLARD ANNOUNCED HE

FINALLY FOUND A WAY TO HELL.

IT IS SO RARE TO WITNESS HISTORY

AS IT'S HAPPENING.

THIS IS A VERY EXCITING MOMENT.

GOOD LUCK, REESE.

>> THANK YOU, SADEE.

I APPRECIATE THAT.

I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.

THERE YOU GO.

>> [ Chuckling ] WHAT?

KITTY LITTER?

CLAY-BASED, NON-CLUMPING.

WOW. THANK YOU.

>> NO. THANK YOU.

>> IN THE END, IT WAS THE

THEOLOGY TEAM THAT FINALLY

CRACKED IT.

SO, HOW DID YOU ACTUALLY FIND

THE WAY TO HELL?

>> IT WAS RIGHT UNDER OUR

NOSES THE WHOLE TIME.

THE ONE GUARANTEED WAY TO GO TO

HELL IS TO COMMIT SUICIDE.

[ ELECTRICITY BUZZING ]

[ ALL CHEERING ]

>> SO ELEGANT, SO SIMPLE...

JUST LIKE THE LOBBY OF ONE OF

HIS HOTELS.

>> Biscayne: WE DON'T KNOW IF

REESE BALLARD MADE IT INTO

HELL, BUT WE CAN CONFIRM HE IS

DEAD.

NEXT, TELEVISION -- IT'S WHAT

YOU'RE WATCHING RIGHT NOW.

AND FOR TWO YEARS, IF YOU WERE

WATCHING TV ON THURSDAY NIGHTS,

YOU WERE WATCHING ONE THING --

AMERICA'S NUMBER-ONE SITCOM,

"FARMED OUT!"

BUT THEN YOU STOPPED WATCHING

IT, AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHY.

BUT SOON YOU WILL.

"FARMED OUT!" WAS THE

RICHES-TO-RAGS STORY OF THE

JORDANS, A WEALTHY FAMILY THAT

LOST IT ALL AND HAD TO START A

NEW LIFE ON A FARM IN THE MIDDLE

OF NOWHERE.

MILLIONS TUNED IN EACH WEEK, AND

THE JORDANS QUICKLY BECAME

HOUSEHOLD NAMES.

>> * THAT'S HOW LIFE GOES

WHEN YOU'RE ALL FARMED OUT *

[ COW MOOS ]

>> Biscayne: EVERY WEEK BROUGHT

A NEW HARVEST OF LAUGHS.

>> THE MUSES ARE FLOWING.

I FEEL 18 YEARS OF WALL STREET

CORRUPTION JUST MELTING AWAY.

>> THEN WHAT'S WITH THE

BRIEFCASE?

>> BABY STEPS.

[ RECORDED LAUGHTER ]

>> Biscayne: AMERICA LOVED

WATCHING THE JORDAN FAMILY REAP

WHAT THEY HAD SOWN.

>> I THINK I SEE THE MILKY WAY.

>> WE'RE INSIDE A BARN.

>> THEN WHAT'S THAT UP THERE?

>> OH, MY GOD.

THOSE ARE BATS!

>> OH!

[ CHUCKLES ]

I THINK THE MILKY WAY JUST

POOPED ON ME.

>> Biscayne: THE SHOW HAD

EVERYTHING -- GREAT JOKES,

HEART, AND PLOTS YOU COULD

FOLLOW WHILE SURFING THE

INTERNET...

AND, OF COURSE, RAUNCHY

GRANDMA JORDAN.

>> I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE

MILKED THE COW IN A

DIANE VON FURSTENBERG BLOUSE.

>> NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL A

NIP SLIP.

[ RECORDED LAUGHTER ]

>> Biscayne: DESPITE ALL OF ITS

SUCCESS AND MASS APPEAL,

SUDDENLY AND WITHOUT WARNING,

THE EMMY AWARD-WINNING SHOW WAS

CANCELED, WITH NO EXPLANATION.

I'M STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF A

DIRT ROAD IN HUTCHINS, KANSAS,

IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE THAT WAS

ONCE USED FOR ESTABLISHING SHO--

>> HEY! WHO THE TITS ARE YOU?

>> Biscayne: GRANDMA JORDAN.

>> UH-OH. HE KNOWS ME.

WHEN DID WE DO IT, AND WHICH WAY

WAS I FACING?

>> Biscayne: [ LAUGHS ]

WHAT?!

>> NO?

>> Biscayne: THIS...

IS...AMAZING!

YOU'RE ALL HERE!

>> YEP. WE ARE HERE.

WE GOT TO BE SOMEWHERE.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> Biscayne: IT TURNS OUT

THE JORDANS WERE STILL IN THE

HOUSE WHERE THEY FILMED THE

SHOW.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

ARE YOU TAPING THE SHOW AGAIN?

>> NO.

THE CAMERAS LEFT WEEKS AGO.

>> I HAVE A CAMERA.

>> THAT'S YOUR ELBOW, KIP.

AS YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN LIVING A

MUCH SIMPLER LIFE -- NO TV, NO

INTERNET.

>> NO ONLINE SHOPPING, NO

OFFLINE SHOPPING.

OH, GOD, I MISS THINGS -- SPA

DAYS, CHARITY BALLS.

>> BEFORE MY BOOB JOB, I WAS

CONSISTENTLY CHARITY-BALLED.

>> Biscayne: [ LAUGHS ]

YOU GUYS TALK EXACTLY LIKE YOUR

CHARACTERS.

>> I'M NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS.

>> I'M NOT REALLY SURE WHAT

THAT MEANS.

LIKE -- LIKE THE WORD "THAT."

IS THAT THE ONE THAT STARTS WITH

A CIRCLE?

>> Biscayne: [ LAUGHS ]

THAT'S HILARIOUS.

THIS IS JUST LIKE THE SHOW.

>> WE'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN OUR

OWN SHOW.

>> Biscayne: WHAT?

YOU'VE GOT TO SEE YOUR SHOW.

I HAVE EVERY EPISODE ON MY

PHONE.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO WATCH IT?

>> OH, YEAH!

THAT WOULD BE GREAT!

>> I JUST MISS BEING RICH.

WE HAD SO MUCH --

>> FUN, RIGHT?

>> NO.

MONEY.

>> WHO IS THAT THAT KEEPS

LAUGHING?

>> Biscayne: OH, THAT'S THE

LAUGH TRACK, ALTHOUGH THE LOUD

LAUGH IS ME BECAUSE I TAPE IT

LIVE OFF OF MY TELEVISION.

[ LAUGHS ]

SEEING THEMSELVES ON TV DID NOT

SEEM TO BRING AS MUCH JOY TO THE

JORDANS AS THEY HAD BROUGHT TO

AMERICA.

>> I GUESS WE DON'T GET IT.

THIS IS A TERRIBLE REALITY SHOW.

>> Biscayne: REALITY SHOW?

>> YES, THEY ASKED US IF WE

WANTED TO MAKE A REALITY SHOW

ABOUT OUR FAMILY.

>> I ONCE SAT ON A CAT.

>> Biscayne: THAT'S GREAT!

[ LAUGHS ]

SO, THESE THINGS WERE ACTUALLY

HAPPENING TO THE JORDANS IN REAL

LIFE, AND THE DOCUMENTARY

FOOTAGE OF THEM HAD BEEN SOLD TO

AMERICA AS SCRIPTED

ENTERTAINMENT.

>> THEY FLEW US OUT HERE AND

STRANDED US ON A FARM WITH SOME

CAMERA GUYS WHO WEREN'T LEGALLY

ALLOWED TO INTERACT WITH US.

THEY MUST HAVE EDITED OUT ALL

OF OUR CONSTANT BEGGING FOR FOOD

FROM THE CREW.

>> I SEE YOU HAVE A CANDY BAR!

I JUST WANT ONE BITE!

>> WE ACTUALLY STARTED OUT WITH

ONE OTHER FAMILY MEMBER AT THE

BEGINNING.

>> OH, YEAH, JORDY JR.

>> WE ATE HIM.

>> Biscayne: [ LAUGHS ]

"FARMED OUT!" WAS THE BRAINCHILD

OF TELEVISION PRODUCER

FITZ BAGLEY.

HE ACTUALLY HAD HIS NAME LEGALLY

CHANGED TO "TELEVISION PRODUCER

FITZ BAGLEY."

THEY WERE UNDER THE IMPRESSION

THEY WERE DOING A REALITY SHOW.

YOU DECEIVED THEM.

>> I'M NOT ASHAMED OF THAT.

YOU KNOW WHY?

THE JORDANS WERE JUST TOO WEIRD

TO BE BELIEVABLE.

NO ONE IS THAT ONE-DIMENSIONAL.

HAVE YOU TALKED TO THE JORDANS?

>> Biscayne: YES.

>> THEY PAUSE AFTER JOKES, AS IF

THEY'RE WAITING FOR LAUGHTER

THAT NEVER, EVER COMES.

>> Biscayne: GRANDMA JORDAN, WHO

WAS THE LAST PRESIDENT YOU VOTED

FOR?

>> WELL, I NEVER MET

BILL CLINTON, BUT HE CAN VISIT

MY OVAL OFFICE ANY DAY OF THE

WEEK.

>> Biscayne: MADISON, WHEN YOU

LEAVE THE ROOM, WHAT DO YOU DO?

>> I WAIT OUTSIDE UNTIL IT'S MY

TURN TO COME BACK IN TO SAY

SOMETHING SARCASTIC [SCOFFS]

LIKE ANY HUMAN EVER.

>> Biscayne: AMAZING.

WHEN HE FOUND THE JORDANS,

TELEVISION PRODUCER FITZ BAGLEY

KNEW HE HAD STUMBLED ONTO A GOLD

MINE.

>> I DON'T HAVE TO PAY ACTORS,

WRITERS, SCRIPTS, ALL THAT

PAPER, THE TONER, NONE OF IT.

I SHELL OUT ZILCH, AND I MAKE A

NUMBER THAT HAS A LOT OF ZILCHES

BEHIND IT.

>> Biscayne: SO, WHY?

WHY CANCEL IT?

>> THE JORDANS STARTED GETTING

DEPRESSED, AND NOT FUN

DEPRESSED, JUST SAD.

I HAD TO CUT AROUND A BUNCH OF

CRYING, LIKE, "OH, NO, WE'RE

HUNGRY," "GRANDMA'S DYING," THAT

KIND OF THING.

>> Biscayne: GRANDMA JORDAN IS

DYING?

>> YEAH, SHE'S -- SHE WON'T

MAKE IT TILL CHRISTMAS.

BUT I KEPT THE CAMERAS ROLLING

ON THE FAMILY.

>> Biscayne: YOU KEPT FILMING

THEM?

>> I DARKEN THE LIGHTS.

I TAKE THE NEW FOOTAGE.

I CUT IT TOGETHER TO MAKE A

ONE-HOUR DRAMA CALLED

"FINDING ALWAYS."

CHECK IT OUT.

>> [ Crying ] IT'S JUST...

TOO MUCH TO TAKE IN.

>> SORRY, DEAR.

[ SNIFFLES ]

I GUESS MY NUMBER'S UP.

[ BOTH CRYING ]

>> Biscayne: NOW HUMORIST

JIM DAVIDSON IS HERE WITH

ANOTHER LOOK AT OUR EVERYDAY

LIVES.

>> IF YOU COME INTO MY LIVING

ROOM, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA

SEE?

YEAH, I MEAN, THERE'S COUCHES.

THERE'S MAYBE A LOVE SEAT OR

TWO, BUT WHAT YOU'RE MOSTLY

GONNA SEE IS A LOT OF REMOTE

CONTROLS.

WE GOT ONE REMOTE CONTROL FOR

THE TV, ANOTHER FOR THE DVR, ONE

FOR THE DVD, ONE FOR THE VHS.

ONE'S FOR THE CABLE.

ONE'S FOR THE -- I DON'T KNOW

WHAT IT'S FOR!

[ CHUCKLES ]

I MEAN, I CAN'T CON-- I NEED A

REMOTE CONTROL TO CONTROL THE

REMOTE CONTROLS!

[ LAUGHS ]

I MEAN, THIS IS -- THIS IS WHAT

IT'S COME TO IN MY HOUSE.

I'M UPSET.

I MIGHT WANT TO KILL MYSELF.

>> Biscayne: THANKS, JIM.

COMING UP NEXT WEEK ON

"NEWSREADERS"...

WI-FI NETWORK NAMES.

WE'LL TELL YOU WHICH ONES WILL

INCREASE YOUR CHANCES OF HAVING

SEX WITH YOUR NEIGHBOR.

AND IT'S CALLED ST. LOUIS-STYLE

PIZZA, AND THIS GUY THINKS IT'S

A THING.

I'M REAGAN BISCAYNE.

GOOD NIGHT.