Original subtitles

>> Biscayne: TONIGHT ON

"NEWSREADERS," MANY CO-WORKERS

USE THE PHRASE THE "INTERWEBS"

WHEN THEY REALLY MEAN THE

"INTERNET."

AND MANY OF THOSE SAME PEOPLE

ALSO USE THE PHRASES "THAT'S

GONNA LEAVE A MARK" AND "THIS IS

WHY YOU CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS."

NEW RESEARCH REVEALS WHICH OF

THESE PHRASES IS MOST ANNOYING.

ALSO, SINKHOLES -- CAN DINOSAURS

COME OUT OF THEM?

ALL THAT AND MORE TONIGHT ON

"NEWSREADERS."

"THE PENNSYLVANIA SHOE BUCKET,"

"THE MICROCLUMP," "BUTTERPANTS."

WHAT DO ALL OF THESE THINGS HAVE

IN COMMON?

THEY ARE ALL THINGS NO ONE HAS

EVER HEARD OF.

AND NOW YOU CAN ADD TO THAT LIST

THIS MAN.

HIS NAME IS JOHNSON P. ANNARBOR.

WHILE YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER

HEARD OF HIM, YOU'VE CERTAINLY

HEARD OF HIS JOB.

JOHNSON P. ANNARBOR WAS ONCE THE

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

OF AMERICA, SERVING FROM 1889 TO

1893, AFTER GROVER CLEVELAND AND

BEFORE BENJAMIN HARRISON.

THIS ALL COMES TO LIGHT IN

"ANNARBOR: A LOST ICON," A

CONTROVERSIAL NEW DOCUMENTARY

FROM FILMMAKER PHILLIP BAKER.

BAKER GAVE "NEWSREADERS" AN

EARLY PEEK AT THE FILM.

>> HELLO.

I'M AMERICAN SINGER/SONGWRITER

BILLY RAY CYRUS.

JOHNSON P. ANNARBOR -- WHO WAS

HE?

LITTLE IS KNOWN OF ANNARBOR'S

CHILDHOOD.

IN A LETTER TO HER HUSBAND,

GRADE-SCHOOL TEACHER

ANNABELLE McQUILKIN WROTE...

>> JOHNSON EXCELS AT MATHS,

CALLIGRAPHY, AND CABINETMAKING,

AND EXHIBITS GREAT LEADERSHIP

POTENTIAL.

I DO DECLARE, THAT LITTLE MAN

COULD BE PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES ONE DAY.

>> Biscayne: FOR PHILLIP BAKER,

IT'S UNCLEAR IF HE FOUND

JOHNSON P. ANNARBOR OR IF

JOHNSON P. ANNARBOR FOUND HIM.

>> I WAS LOOKING FOR MY NEXT

DOCUMENTARY, AND I HAPPENED UPON

A TOP-SECRET FILE DETAILING THE

EXISTENCE OF AN UNKNOWN AMERICAN

PRESIDENT...

JOHNSON P. ANNARBOR.

WHAT I SAW AMAZED ME.

OLD-TIMEY DOCUMENT AFTER

OLD-TIMEY DOCUMENT AFTER

OLD-TIMEY DOCUMENT AFTER

OLD-TIMEY DOC--

>> Biscayne: LET ME STOP YOU

THERE.

HOW -- HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT THEY

WERE REAL OLD-TIMEY DOCUMENTS?

>> THEY'RE YELLOWISH AND BRITTLE

TO THE TOUCH, JUST FELL RIGHT

APART, SOME OF THEM.

OF COURSE THEY'RE REAL.

AND THEY -- THEY -- THEY

DOCUMENT LANDMARK MOMENTS WHICH

HE PRESIDED OVER.

I MEAN, FOR EXAMPLE, THE

STOVEPIPE HAT AND BACON TAX

SCANDAL, THE MISSISSIPPI

COMPROMISE COMPROMISE ACCORD,

THE FURRY RIVER TRADE EMBARGO,

AND OF COURSE THE SALEM GHOST

TOSS.

>> Biscayne: WHY WOULD ALL OF

THIS BE LEFT OUT OF THE

HISTORY BOOKS?

>> THE ANSWER WILL SHOCK YOU.

>> Biscayne: TRY ME.

I'VE SEEN A LOT OF FREAKY STUFF.

>> WHITE SLAVERY.

>> Biscayne: WHITE SLAVERY.

>> WHITE SLAVERY.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN FORGOT TO FREE

ALL THE WHITE SLAVES IN THE

EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION.

>> Biscayne: AH.

>> JOHNSON P. ANNARBOR HAD

HUNDREDS OF WHITE SLAVES WELL

INTO THE 20th CENTURY --

HUNDREDS OF THEM.

WHEN HARRISON TOOK OFFICE, HE

EXPUNGED ALL RECORD OF ANNARBOR

FROM THE LEDGERS.

>> Biscayne: I'M SORRY.

WHAT LEDGERS?

>> THE LEDGERS, THE HISTORY

LEDGERS.

YOU KNOW.

YOU SHOULD CHECK THEM OUT -- SO

YELLOWISH.

>> Biscayne: PHILLIP BAKER'S

SENSATIONAL FINDINGS HAVE

OUTRAGED MANY IN THE ACADEMIC

COMMUNITY.

PRITCHARD BATCHMAN IS A

PRESIDENTIAL SCHOLAR AT

HARVARD UNIVERSITY.

>> THERE IS NOT ONE PIECE OF

DOCUMENTED EVIDENCE THAT

JOHNSON P. ANNARBOR EVER

EXISTED.

I-I-I'M LIVID ABOUT IT.

>> NEVER EXISTED?!

NEVER EXISTED?!

WELL, YOU TELL MR. HARVARD

PROFESSOR -- WAS HE ALIVE IN THE

1800s?

DID -- DID HE SNEAK INTO THE

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS AND STEAL

YELLOWISH FILES?

IF NOT, THEN HE BETTER SHUT HIS

PRETTY, LITTLE MOUTH.

>> HE SAID THAT?

>> Biscayne: MM.

>> HE SAID "PRETTY, LITTLE

MOUTH"?

>> Biscayne: THOSE WERE HIS

WORDS, YES.

>> I WILL CHOP OFF HIS HEAD WITH

A SWORD!

>> Biscayne: BAKER SAYS HIS

DOCUMENTARY SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.

>> AS A CONGRESSMAN, ANNARBOR'S

AGGRESSIVE OPPOSITION TO THE

MISSOURI BAKED BEANS TARIFF ACT

PUSHED HIM TO THE FRONT OF THE

REPUBLICAN PARTY.

IN 1889, HE WAS ELECTED

PRESIDENT.

IT WAS THE FIRST TIME A NOMINEE

WON NEITHER THE POPULAR NOR THE

ELECTORAL VOTE.

>> WHAT?!

HOW -- THAT'S NOT EVEN --

THAT'S -- HOW IS THAT EVEN --

THAT'S NOT -- WHAT WAS THE OTHER

THING?

>> Biscayne: THE MISSOURI

BAKED BEANS TARIFF ACT.

>> THAT'S NOT -- UGH!

HUMANS SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO

MURDER ONE PERSON.

I SWEAR, I WOULD DA--

YEAH!

>> Biscayne: PHILLIP BAKER

HOPES HIS FILM WILL MAKE PEOPLE

RECONSIDER HISTORY AND CONSIDER

HIM THE NEXT KEN BURNS.

>> IN MISSISSIPPI, ANNARBOR

SUGGESTED A COMPROMISE TO THE

COMPROMISE, AND AN ACCORD WAS

SIGNED.

>> THIS IS CALLED THE ZOOMY

ZOOM.

IT'S JUST A STANDARD ZOOM, BUT

WITH ZOOMY ZOOM, I CAN ZOOM IN

AND OUT REALLY FAST, YOU SEE?

ZOOMY ZOOM, ZOOMY ZOOM, ZOOMY

ZOOM.

I'VE ALSO INVENTED THE MEGA

PUSH, THE -- OH, THE CRAZY-ASS

FADE, THE TRIPLE-NIPPLE JUMP

CUT, THE WET WIPE, AND OF COURSE

MY FAVORITE, THE VERY, VERY SLOW

DISSOLVE.

YOU SEE?

>> Biscayne: NOTHING'S

HAPPENING.

>> YEAH, WELL, IT'S JUST -- IT'S

JUST GONNA TAKE A WHILE.

THOSE ARE ALL TRADEMARKED.

>> THIS WHOLE THING IS JUST AN

ELABORATE PLOT SO THIS HACK CAN

SELL EDITING TECHNIQUES TO APPLE

COMPUTER.

THE GUY IS A HUGE DICKWEED.

I LITERALLY -- I LITERALLY WANT

TO WATCH HIM DIE!

[ Straining ] I -- I LITERALLY.

I SO --

[ Grunting ] OH, GOD, I WANT TO

WATCH HIM DIE SO BAD.

[ SIGHS ]

I CAN'T DO IT.

>> Biscayne: DO YOU WANT A

LITTLE HELP ON THAT MAYBE?

>> YOU WANT TO GIVE IT A WHIRL?

SURE.

>> Biscayne: I'VE NEVER TRIED.

>> TRY FOR THAT.

>> Biscayne: OH, BOY.

>> YEAH.

IT'S A LOT HARDER THAN IT LOOKS.

>> Biscayne: GOOD GOSH.

>> GIVE ME ONE MORE GO.

>> Biscayne: AH, THERE'S A

LITTLE -- I STARTED IT FOR YOU.

>> GOT IT STARTED.

HERE WE GO. READY?

[ GRUNTS ]

>> Biscayne: DO IT!

DESPITE ALL THE CRITICISM,

PHILLIP BAKER MAINTAINS THAT HIS

DOCUMENTARY IS 100% ACCURATE.

THESE DAYS, HE'S HARD AT WORK ON

HIS NEXT FILM, A DOCUMENTARY

ABOUT GERPLUNKIMO, A

LESSER-KNOWN COUSIN OF THE GREAT

NATIVE AMERICAN, GERONIMO.

ACCORDING TO BAKER, THIS APACHE

CHIEF INVENTED THE NOSE CLEAVER,

THE COLOR SKY BLACK, AND

ELECTRICITY, AND IT'S ALL IN HIS

NEW FILM,

"GERPLUNKIMO: A RECKONING."

>> GERPLUNKIMO?

WHA-- YES, HE WAS GERONIMO'S

COUSIN.

YES, I THANK HIM EVERY DAY THAT

I REACH FOR A SKY-BLACK CRAYON.

BUT HE DID NOT INVENT THE NOSE

CLEAVER!

AND I WILL LITERALLY MURDER AND

EAT ANYONE WHO MAKES A FILM

SAYING THAT HE DID.

I AM AS SERIOUS AS A HEART

ATTACK!

TELL ME WHERE HE LIVES!

YOU TELL ME RIGHT NOW!

YOU TELL ME RIGHT NOW!

>> Biscayne: "GERPLUNKIMO: A

RECKONING" WILL BE AVAILABLE ON

LOCAL PBS STATIONS JUST AS SOON

AS SOMEONE CONTRIBUTES TO

PHILLIP BAKER'S KICKSTARTER

CAMPAIGN.

SPEAKING OF PEOPLE ALMOST NOBODY

HAS HEARD OF, "NEWSREADERS'" OWN

MARBY ENNIS, WHO I WENT ON ONE

DATE WITH, WAS SENTENCED TO

HOUSE ARREST AND FILED THIS

REPORT TWO MONTHS INTO HER

YEAR-LONG HOME CONFINEMENT.

MARBY.

>> THANKS, REAGAN.

SINCE THE DAWN OF SOCIETY,

GOVERNMENTS HAVE SPIED ON BOTH

ALLIES AND ENEMIES ALIKE, BUT DO

THEY GO TOO FAR?

SURVEILLANCE EXPERT SIMBA SAYS

YES.

[ High-pitched voice ] MEOW,

MEOW, TOO FAR, MEOW, MEOW.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ Normal voice ] BUT THIS POINT

OF VIEW IS OVERLY SIMPLISTIC AND

MAKES PEOPLE LIKE SIMBA SEEM

LIKE DUMB KITTY CATS, JUST BAD,

STUPID KITTY CATS.

TAKE AMERICA AND RUSSIA, OKAY?

WE'RE FRIENDS NOW.

WE'RE ALLIES WITH BENEFITS, AND

SOMETIMES WE NEED TO SNOOP

AROUND ON THEM JUST TO MAKE SURE

THEY'RE NOT UP TO NO GOOD.

I HEARD THAT ONCE WE

IMPERSONATED A MAILMAN JUST SO

WE COULD READ AND TOUCH AND

SMELL RUSSIA'S MAIL.

AND THAT'S FINE.

ALSO, IT'S COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE

TO PROVE!

[ Laughing ] YOU KNOW?

THE POINT IS, NO MATTER WHAT WE

DO, IT DOESN'T AFFECT OUR

RELATIONSHIP WITH RUSSIA IN THE

LEAST.

TAKE THIS FOR AN EXAMPLE.

RUSSIA USED TO BE CALLED THE

SOVIET UNION, AND THEN IT

CHANGED ITS NAME TO RUSSIA.

AND WE WERE LIKE, "OKAY, COOL."

YOU KNOW?

LIKE ME -- MY NAME USED TO BE

MARBY ENNIS, BUT THEN I CHANGED

MY NAME TO MARBY BISCAYNE, AND

SO PEOPLE SAY, "OH, BISCAYNE --

THAT'S THE SAME LAST NAME AS

REAGAN BISCAYNE, THE HOST OF

'NEWSREADERS.'

ARE YOU GUYS MARRIED?"

AND I SAY, "WELL, MARRIAGE IS

JUST A WORD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, REAGAN?"

AND THEN REAGAN WOULD SAY --

'CAUSE HE'D BE SITTING RIGHT

HERE -- HE'D SAY, "OH, I DIDN'T

HEAR WHAT ANYBODY ELSE SAID

BECAUSE ALL I HEAR IS YOU AND

ALL I SEE IS YOU.

TASTE MEANS NOTHING, UNLESS IT'S

YOU I'M TASTING.

JUST FILL ME UP.

FILL ME UP WITH YOUR LIPS AND

YOUR MOUTH."

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT,

YOU DUMB CAT?

STUPID CAT.

[ High-pitched voice ] MEOW.

I'M AN EXPERT.

SURVEILLANCE IS SO BAD.

[ Normal voice ] WELL, WHAT DO

YOU KNOW?

HOW'D YOU GET TO BE THE EXPERT

ON ANYTHING?

YOU'RE SO DUMB.

I HOPE YOU EAT POISON AND DIE.

BACK TO YOU, REAGAN.

>> Biscayne: UH, THANKS, MARBY.

WELL, SKIP REMING IS HERE

TONIGHT, AND IF YOU GUESSED

HE'LL BE TALKING ABOUT WHICH

PRESIDENTS WERE CONCAVE-CHESTED

CHICKEN HAWKS, THAT'S NEXT WEEK.

THIS WEEK, HE'S GOT SOMETHING

ELSE ON HIS MIND.

SKIP.

>> SKIP REMING HERE FOR

EARTHQUAKE SAFETY.

OLD SKIP REMING'S HAD HIS OPIUM

PIPE RATTLED MORE THAN A FEW

TIMES BY THE DIRT GOBLIN'S

MISCHIEF.

TAKE IT FROM ME.

YOU CAN'T WAIT TILL A QUAKE HITS

TO GET PREPARED.

AND THAT MEANS PUTTING TOGETHER

AN EMERGENCY KIT LIKE THIS ONE.

LET'S SEE.

HERE'S SOME KIND OF CLEAR

WHISKEY, A FEW OF THESE WAXY

PLEASURE STICKS THEY USED ON ME

IN THAT THAI BROTHEL.

WHERE'S THE DEVILED EGGS AND

BRASS KNUCKLES?

WHERE'S THE LITTLE HAWAIIAN BOY

TO USE AS ZOMBIE BAIT?

DID YOU FEEL THAT?

IT'S THE BIG ONE!

YOU WANT TO DANCE?!

GET AWAY FROM MY PLEASURE STICK,

YOU ZOMBIES!

[ PANTING ]

THAT WASN'T AN EARTHQUAKE AFTER

ALL, WAS IT?

WELL...

THAT HAPPENS SOMETIMES.

>> Biscayne: NEXT WEEK ON

"NEWSREADERS," SCRATCH-OFF

LOTTERY TICKETS -- A REPORT ON

THE FACT THAT THE STUFF YOU

SCRATCH OFF KILLS BRAIN CELLS,

LEADING YOU TO BUY MORE TICKETS.

ACTUALLY, THAT'S PRETTY MUCH THE

WHOLE STORY, SO THERE'S NO NEED

TO TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THAT

ONE.

I'M REAGAN BISCAYNE.

GOOD NIGHT.