Original subtitles

>> Biscayne: TONIGHT ON

"NEWSREADERS"...

LUCKY NUMBERS -- WHY 2 NEVER

MAKES THE LIST BUT WORKS TWICE

AS WELL AS 7.

AND AUTHOR EDWIN SALMON CATCHER

DISCUSSES HIS LATEST BOOK,

"THE EAGLE IN THE BREEZE," WHICH

DESCRIBES A WAR BETWEEN TWO

CLASSIC-ROCK STATIONS.

ALL THAT AND MORE ECHO

[Echoing] TONIGHT ON

"NEWSREADERS"!

HERE AT "NEWSREADERS," WE DO

EVERYTHING WE CAN TO HELP

CONSUMERS AVOID DECEPTIVE

PRACTICES.

AND, AS AMIR LARUSSA TELLS US,

YOU CAN BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF IN

THE MOST SURPRISING PLACES.

>> STRIP CLUBS LIKE THIS ONE IN

JACKSONVILLE, FLORIDA, HAVE LONG

BEEN A RELIABLE WAY FOR MEN TO

GET OFF WITHOUT TECHNICALLY

CHEATING ON THEIR WIVES.

BUT OUR HIDDEN-CAMERA

INVESTIGATION REVEALED THAT

STRIPS CLUBS ARE TAKING OFF MUCH

MORE THAN CLOTHES.

THEY'RE TAKING OFF THE TRUTH.

AND THE LIES START EVEN BEFORE

YOU GET IN THE DOOR.

>> NO SWEATPANTS.

>> LIE NUMBER 1.

YOU C WEAR SWEATPANTS

INSIDE -- FOR A PRICE.

AND YOU CAN TAKE RECORDING

DEVICES INSIDE IF THEY'RE HIDDEN

IN YOUR GLASSES AND BELT BUCKLE.

>> [ GIGGLES ]

>> TO AN UNSUSPECTING CONSUMER,

THIS SEEMS LIKE AN ORDINARY,

NATURAL CONVERSATION.

BUT JUST WATCH AS THIS SUDDENLY

TURNS INTO A SALES PITCH.

THE ENTIRE CLUB WAS DRIPPING IN

LIES AND DECEPTION.

THEY ADVERTISED DOZENS OF GIRLS,

BUT WE ONLY SAW FOUR.

AND LOOK CLOSELY AT THE

CHAMPAGNE ROOM AND YOU'LL SEE

THAT WHILE THE SPARKLING WINE IS

ACTUALLY FROM THE

CHAMPAGNE PROVINCE OF FRANCE,

THE SO-CALLED CHAMPAGNE ROOM IS

NOT A ROOM AT ALL AND NOTHING

MORE THAN A SERIES OF POORLY

UPHOLSTERED BENCHES FILLED WITH

QUESTIONABLE CLAIMS.

>> I'VE ALWAYS BEEN KIND OF AN

EXHIBITIONIST, YOU KNOW?

I'M JUST DOING THIS TO PAY MY

WAY THROUGH COLLEGE.

>> THAT NIGHT I LEARNED A LOT

ABOUT ASHLEY --

OR THOUGHT I DID.

AFTER WE LEFT THE CLUB, I

REVIEWED SOME OF ASHLEY'S

CLAIMS, AND I HAD SOME FOLLOW-UP

QUESTIONS.

IT TURNS OUT THAT, LIKE THE

TRUTH, ASHLEY'S HOME ADDRESS

COULD BE BOUGHT FOR $50 AND A

"NEWSREADERS" HAT.

BUT SHE WAS A LITTLE HARD TO

FIND BECAUSE THE ONLY PERSON

LISTED AT HER ADDRESS WASN'T

NAMED ASHLEY.

SHE WAS NAMED...

JENNIFER?

OH, HEY, JENNIFER.

IT'S AMIR LARUSSA FROM

"NEWSREADERS."

I DID SOME RESEARCH AND FOUND

OUT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THE TRUTH

AT THE CLUB.

YOU'RE NOT IN COLLEGE, YOUR NAME

ISN'T ASHLEY, AND IF YOU'RE SUCH

AN EXHIBITIONIST, WHY ARE YOU

ANSWERING THE DOOR IN CLOTHES?

WHY THE LIES, JENNIFER?

>> OKAY. SO, YOU WANT TO BE TOLD

THE TRUTH AT A STRIP CLUB?

>> YES.

YOU ARE DECEIVING PEOPLE.

YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE BIG INTO

WORDS WITH FRIENDS, BUT WE

CHECKED YOUR PROFILE.

YOU'VE ONLY PLAYED IT THREE

TIMES.

THAT'S NOT BEING BIG INTO

ANYTHING EXCEPT LYING.

>> OKAY, I-I GOT SICK OF PEOPLE

WHO WERE MEMORIZING TWO-LETTER

"Q" WORDS.

>> WELL, YOU TOLD ME LAP DANCES

WERE $20 A SONG.

>> RIGHT.

THEY ARE.

>> BUT IT'S THE SHORTENED

VERSIONS.

>> HOW IS THAT A LIE?

>> WELL, MAYBE IT'S MORE OF A

SIN OF OMISSION, BUT IT WAS LIKE

A 45-SECOND VERSION OF

"WALK THIS WAY."

THEY DIDN'T EVEN DO THE GUITAR

SOLO, AND I REALLY WANTED TO SEE

WHAT SHE WOULD DO WITH IT.

YOU ALSO TOLD ME YOU FAVORITE

TV SHOW IS

"AMERICAN HORROR STORY."

NICE TRY, BUT THAT'S A

MINISERIES.

>> I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

>> YOU SAID THERE'S ONE GOD, BUT

THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF RELIGIONS

ALL ACROSS THE WORLD, EACH WITH

THEIR OWN GOD.

>> WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA MAKE AN

OBJECTIVE CASE ON A SUBJECTIVE

PREMISE, I WOULD ARGUE THAT

WHILE EACH RELIGION HAS THEIR

OWN NAME FOR IT, IT'S ALL THE

SAME GOD.

>> JENNIFER?

JENNIFER, WHEN ARE YOU WORKING

AGAIN?

>> Biscayne: NEXT UP -- TWINS.

THEY'RE THE HIGH YOU CAN GET

FROM FERTILITY DRUGS, AND

THEY'RE ALSO THE SUBJECTS OF

FANTASIES, OLD GUM COMMERCIALS

ON YouTube, AND THIS STORY FROM

CLAVIS KIM.

>> TIM NAST OF BRANDENTON,

FLORIDA, THOUGHT HE HAD IT

ALL -- A PERFECT FAMILY, A

NON-SPLOTCHY BEARD, AND A

SUCCESSFUL TICKET-BROKERING

BUSINESS WITH HIS CHILDHOOD BEST

FRIEND.

BUT RECENTLY TIM FOUND OUT HE

HAD EVEN MORE.

I HAVE A TWIN BROTHER, AND I'M

GONNA MEET HIM TODAY.

>> AND "NEWSREADERS" WAS THERE

TO WITNESS THE REUNION, WHICH WE

ORCHESTRATED AND PAID FOR.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> OH, MY GOD.

I SHOULD PROBABLY ANSWER THAT,

HUH?

[ ALL CHUCKLE ]

YES, YOU SHOULD.

>> OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

[ SIGHS ]

FALSE ALARM, GUYS.

IT'S MY BUSINESS PARTNER, TOM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OUR MEETING'S NOT FOR ANOTHER

HOUR.

I'VE GOT A THING RIGHT NOW.

>> NO. I HAD A THING HERE.

SOMEONE CALLED ME --

A PRODUCER -- AND SAID, "KNOCK

ON THE DOOR.

YOU'RE GONNA MEET YOUR TWIN

BROTHER," NOT YOU.

>> IN A SURPRISING TURN OF

EVENTS, IT TURNS OUT THAT

TIMMY'S LONG-LOST TWIN BROTHER

WAS HIS LONGTIME CHILDHOOD

FRIEND AND CURRENT BUSINESS

PARTNER, TOM NERNY.

SO, WHAT'S IT LIKE TO SPEND YOUR

LIVES THINKING THAT YOU'RE

BROTHERS FROM ANOTHER MOTHER

ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT YOU'RE

BROTHERS FROM THE SAME MOTHER?

>> IT WAS GOOD, I GUESS,

YOU KNOW?

>> IT WAS WEIRD.

>> IT WAS WEIRD.

>> IT'S A LITTLE DISAPPOINTING.

>> YEAH, I WAS DISAPPOINTED.

I WAS LIKE -- I THOUGHT I WAS

GONNA SHOW UP, MAYBE BEN AFFLECK

WOULD BE THERE, AND THEN, ALL OF

A SUDDEN, I START LOOKING LIKE

BEN AFFLECK OR SOMETHING

LIKE THAT.

>> WHOA.

THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS, STUPID.

>> STUPID?

IF BEN AFFLECK IS YOUR LONG-LOST

TWIN BROTHER, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU

SHOW UP AND YOU SUDDENLY START

LOOKING LIKE HIM.

>> WELL, I SUDDENLY STARTED

LOOKING LIKE YOU, SO HOW DO YOU

EXPLAIN THAT, SMART GUY?

>> OH, I EXPLAIN IT WITH MY FIST

RIGHT HERE.

>> OW! HEY! OW!

>> STOP, PLEASE.

THE BOTH OF YOU GREW UP ON THE

SAME BLOCK.

YOU WERE BEST FRIENDS.

YOU PLAYED ON THE SAME TEAMS,

WENT TO THE SAME SCHOOLS.

YOU EVEN STARTED A BUSINESS

TOGETHER.

AND YOU NEVER SAW ANY

RESEMBLANCE?

>> Both: NO.

>> NO?!

>> Both: NO.

>> LEARNING THEY ARE IDENTICAL

TWINS HAS BEEN DIFFICULT FOR

TIMMY AND TOM TO WRAP THEIR

IDENTICAL HEADS AROUND.

>> ...MAKE A STUPID JOKE.

>> HEY.

>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS, SERIOUSLY.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT? HERE. COME ON.

>> HAVE YOU GUYS EVER HAD ANY,

LIKE, WEIRD TWIN STUFF HAPPEN,

LIKE, UH, TIM, YOU GET HURT AND

TOM FEELS IT?

>> NO. DEFINITELY NOT.

>> YEAH, NO. NO, NO, NO.

WELL, THERE WAS THE ONE --

SEE, HE HAD --

>> YEAH.

>> TOM HAD...

>> Both: APPENDICITIS.

>> AND THEN I JUST STARTED

BLEEDING INTERNALLY FOR NO

REASON, BUT I FEEL LIKE THAT

KIND OF THING HAPPENS ALL THE

TIME, RIGHT?

>> IT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE

EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME.

>> THAT KIND OF THING HAS NEVER

HAPPENED ALL THE TIME.

SO, HOW DID THESE BROTHERS GROW

UP TOGETHER NOT KNOWING THEY

WERE BROTHERS?

ACCORDING TO TIM AND TOM'S

MOTHER, NEENA NERNY, THE ANSWER

IS SIMPLE -- GROUP SEX.

>> WELL, WE WERE ALL SWINGERS.

OUR POCKETS WERE FULL OF

COCAINE.

THERE WAS NO SUCH THING AS AIDS.

WE HAD SWAP PARTIES, KEY

PARTIES, SUCK-A-THONS, MONDAY

GANGBANGS, TUESDAY GANGBANGS,

UH, JACK AND JILL CIRCLES --

>> OKAY, UH, BUT WHAT DOES THIS

HAVE TO DO WITH HOW TIMMY AND

TOM WERE TWINS SEPARATED AT

BIRTH?

>> I'M GONNA GET TO THAT.

WE'D HAVE INDOOR MUD RACES,

TURTLE CONTESTS, SLAP RALLIES,

"BUTTON, BUTTON, WHO'S GOT THE

BUTTON INSIDE YOUR BUTTON?"

MARATHONS, RUSTY TROMBONE

CONCERTOS.

NOBODY EVER TOLD US WE COULD GET

PREGNANT.

>> SERIOUSLY?

NOBODY EVER TOLD YOU THAT SEX

CAN MAKE YOU PREGNANT?

>> WELL...NO.

I MEAN, MY PARENTS' GENERATION

DIDN'T CARE MUCH FOR OFFERING

LIFE ADVICE OR TALKING.

>> AND SO YOU FOUND YOURSELF

DOUBLE PREGNANT.

>> WELL, COCAINE'LL DO THAT TO A

BODY.

>> NO, IT WILL NOT.

SO, HOW DID THE BABIES GET

SPLIT UP?

WELL, WE WERE INTO BABY-SWAPPING

AT THE TIME.

>> BABY-SWAPPING?

>> YOU KNOW, IT WAS THE '70s.

WE'D SWAP ANYTHING.

>> I'M PRETTY SURE BABY-SWAPPING

WASN'T A THING IN ANY DECADE.

>> NO, WE'D SWAP ONE OF THE

BABIES WITH REENA NAST DOWN AT

THE END OF THE STREET FOR A LID

OF COCAINE.

>> LIKE THEIR MOTHER, BROTHERS

TIM AND TOM HAVE THEMSELVES MADE

AN UNCONVENTIONAL CHOICE.

>> WE HAVE DECIDED TO GO BACK TO

BEING BEST FRIENDS

AND BUSINESS PARTNERS.

>> YEAH, WE'RE DONE BEING, UH,

TWIN BROTHERS.

THAT'S DONE. THAT'S OVER.

>> YEAH, WE'VE JUST BEEN

BICKERING SO MUCH SINCE WE'VE

BEEN TWINS.

>> WE DIDN'T BICKER LIKE THAT

WHEN WE WERE JUST

BUSINESS PARTNERS.

>> I MEAN, YOU'RE TWINS.

>> FINE. WE'LL GET A DIVORCE.

>> WELL, YOU CAN'T GET A

"TWIN-VORCE."

>> YES, YOU CAN GET A --

>> NO, YOU CAN'T.

>> TWIN-VORCE?

>> A TWIN DIVORCE.

YOU CANNOT GET A TWIN DIVORCE.

>> FINE. WE'LL GET IT ANNULLED.

>> THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT, DUMMY.

YOU CAN'T DO IT, DUMMY!

>> I'M NOT DUMMY.

>> YOU ARE DUMB.

>> GUYS. GUYS!

>> REALLY?

>> OW!

>> REALLY?

>> NO. HERE. HERE. HERE. HERE.

AAAH!

>> REALLY?

>> Biscayne: SKIP REMING IS

HERE, AND TONIGHT HE'S GOT

SOMETHING ON HIS MIND --

HIS MIND.

>> YOU KNOW, THE PEOPLE I WORK

WITH THINK I NEED TO SEE A

HEAD-SHRINKER.

THEY SAY MY ERRATIC BEHAVIOR,

MENACING WORDS, AND SCREAMS IN

THE VENTILATION DUCTS ARE

GETTING TO BE A PROBLEM.

WELL, GET USED TO BEING

DISTURBED, BECAUSE NO WAY IS

ANYONE MESSING WITH

SKIP REMING'S SKULL SALAD.

SO FAR AS THE PSYCHIATRIST IS

CONCERNED, YOU CAN TAKE YOUR

FUNNY LITTLE COUCH AND ALL THOSE

INK BLOTS THAT LOOK LIKE MY DEAD

MOTHER AND YOU CAN SHOVE EM'

RIGHT WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE,

BROTHER...

WHICH IS PRETTY MUCH EVERYWHERE

SINCE MILKLADY DIED.

NO, THANK YOU, SIEGFRIED AND

FREUD.

WHEN I WANT TO TINKER WITH THE

LITTLE MAN AT THE WHEEL, I USE

THE OLDEST CURES KNOWN TO MAN --

REPRESSION, DENIAL, AND JUDO.

>> Biscayne: THANKS, SKIP.

AND NOW FOR SOME OF THE E-MAIL

THAT YOU'VE SENT OVER THE LAST

WEEK.

"DEAR REAGAN, YOUR FATHER AND I

WANT TO KNOW IF YOU'RE STILL

COMING HOME NEXT MONTH.

YOU CAN TAKE THE SPARE ROOM, BUT

LET US KNOW SOON.

YOUR FATHER CAN MOVE ALL OF

JULIE'S THINGS THAT SHE STORED.

WHAT A MESS."

DAVE T., MY AGENT -- HE E-MAILED

TO SAY, "WOULD YOU HAVE ANY

INTEREST IN HOSTING A CLIP SHOW

THAT INVOLVES CAR CRASHES CAUSED

BY ANIMALS?"

[ Laughing ] YES.

UH, I RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM

DARYL H., WHO WROTE, "'SUP?"

UH, NOT MUCH, D.

ARE YOU BACK IN TOWN FOR A

WHILE?

WE'LL SEE YOU ALL NEXT WEEK.

AND DON'T FORGET TO TUNE IN

WEDNESDAY TO THE PREMIERE OF

"CONCRETE MEETS JUNGLE."

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

[ CRASH ]

NOW THAT WHAT I CALL A

HEADLIGHT CAUGHT IN THE DEER!

[ CHUCKLES ]

I'M REAGAN BISCAYNE.

GOOD NIGHT.