Original subtitles

>> Biscayne: TONIGHT ON

"NEWSREADERS," EVER WONDER WHO

CARVES HIS NAME IN EVERY

MEN'S-RESTROOM TOILET SEAT?

IT'S THIS GUY, AND HE'LL TELL

YOU WHY HE CAN'T STOP.

ALSO, WE'LL TELL YOU HOW EATING

POPCORN CAN LOWER YOUR RISK OF

CANCER.

>> IT CAN'T.

>> Biscayne: ALL THAT AND

CHORES...

TONIGHT ON "NEWSREADERS"!

AMERICANS ARE OBSESSED WITH

CARS -- ONE GUY I KNOW HAS TWO

OF THEM -- AND PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS

STICKING THINGS ON THEIR CARS,

FROM "BABY ON BOARD" SIGNS TO

THE THINGS THAT HELP MAKE

BABIES.

TESTICLES?

NARGE HEMINGWAY HAS THAT STORY.

>> AMERICANS LOVE CARS MORE THAN

ANYTHING -- EVEN THE ONES MADE

BY KOREANS.

AND THESE DAYS, THE THING

AMERICANS REALLY LOVE TO DO WITH

CARS IS PUT TESTICLES ON THEM.

CAR AND TRUCK TESTICLES STARTED

AS A TREND IN RURAL AMERICA.

BUT THESE DAYS, PEOPLE

EVERYWHERE CAN BE SEEN HANGING

BRAIN ON THEIR RIDES.

BUT WHO IS THE BRAINS BEHIND THE

BRAINS BEHIND YOUR CAR?

HIS NAME IS JAKE LASTERBERG.

THAT NAME IS PROBABLY FAMILIAR

TO YOU, ESPECIALLY IF YOU GREW

UP WITH A LOT OF JEWS.

>> WELL, I WAS A MECHANICAL

ENGINEERING MAJOR IN COLLEGE.

>> SURE.

>> AND I LOVE TESTICLES.

>> OF COURSE.

SO, YOU CAME UP WITH THE IDEA TO

PUT BALLS ON CARS AND TRUCKS.

>> YUP.

EVERYBODY LOVES BALLS.

SEEMED LIKE A NO-BRAINER.

>> A NO-BRAINER, OR A

NOT-HIS-BRAINER?

JAKE LASTERBERG'S FORMER FRIEND

TOMMY GOLDMAN SAYS GO NADZ ARE

HIS NADS, AND HE'S SUING IN

COURT, JUST LIKE YOU'D SEE IN A

FANCY BROADWAY PLAY OR SOME

MOVIE ABOUT LAWYERS AND COURTS

AND WHATNOT.

>> HE'S MAKING A FORTUNE OFF OF

THE MOLD OF MY NUTS.

>> MM.

>> AND I HAVEN'T SEEN A DIME.

THEY'RE SELLING THEM ONLINE, AT

CAR WASHES.

THEY SELL THEM AT A MALL KIOSK

LIKE THEY'RE CELLPHONE CASES.

>> WOW.

>> IT'S LIKE STEALING MY GENITAL

IDENTITY.

>> YOUR BALL PRINTS.

>> YEAH.

>> SO -- SO, THESE?

>> YUP.

>> THESE?

>> YEAH, THOSE.

>> EVEN THE BLUE ONES?

>> YEAH, WELL, WE WERE IN A

FRATERNITY, SO WE WERE

CONSTANTLY PAINTING EACH OTHER'S

GENITALS.

>> IN LEGAL DOCUMENTS OBTAINED

BY "NEWSREADERS," BECAUSE WE

ASKED FOR THEM AND THEY WERE

GIVEN TO US AND THEY'RE ALSO ON

THE INTERNET, TOMMY ALLEGES THAT

WHILE HE AND JAKE WERE IN A

FRATERNITY TOGETHER, JAKE MADE

MULTIPLE REPRODUCTIONS OF

TOMMY'S REPRODUCTIVES.

>> DID I LIKE TOMMY'S NUTS?

SURE.

I ADMIRED ALL MY BROTHERS' NUTS.

THAT'S WHAT BEING IN A

FRATERNITY IS ALL ABOUT.

I PLASTER-CASTED A LOT OF JUNK

IN COLLEGE.

>> SO, JUST TO CLARIFY, YOU AND

YOUR COLLEGE BUDDIES ARE KIND OF

SITTING AROUND, IT'S A WEEKEND,

MAYBE YOU'RE WATCHING SOMETHING

ON THE TUBE --

>> [ LAUGHS ]

YEAH, SOUNDS LIKE US.

>> UH-HUH.

AND -- AND THEN YOU'RE

SLATHERING COLD, WET PLASTER ON

ANOTHER GUY'S SCROTUM.

>> WE WOULD PLASTER-CAST EACH

OTHERS' JUNK ALL THE TIME.

I'M NOT DISPUTING THAT.

IT'S JUST SOMETHING WE LOVED

TO DO.

>> JAKE, IS THE MODEL FOR

GO NADZ TOMMY GOLDMAN'S NUTSAC?

>> LOOK, I LEARNED A LOT ABOUT

TESTICLES IN COLLEGE...

>> WELL, WE ALL DID.

>> ...AND TOMMY'S GOT A NICE

PAIR OF ROCKS, BUT GO NADZ IS MY

CREATION.

>> IS TOMMY A LIAR?

IS JAKE A FRAUD?

AND WHY DO THEY BOTH HAVE

LITTLE-KID GANGSTER NAMES?

TWO OUT OF THREE OF THESE

QUESTIONS WERE DECIDED HERE,

IN COURT.

AND WE WERE THERE FOR THE TRIAL.

>> ANGELA, YOU AND TOMMY DATED

OFF AND ON THROUGHOUT COLLEGE.

>> YES.

>> IS IT SAFE TO SAY THAT YOU

ARE FAMILIAR WITH HIS TESTICLES?

>> OH, VERY MUCH.

I WOULD SPEND HOURS WORKING HIS

NUTSAC.

>> ANGELA, ARE THESE TOMMY'S

TESTICLES?

>> UM, I'M NOT SURE FROM SIGHT

ALONE.

WE WOULD KEEP THE LIGHTS OFF

DURING SEX FOR TRADITIONAL

REASONS.

>> BECAUSE YOU CAN'T ORGASM

UNLESS YOU IMAGINE YOURSELF

ALONE, SHOOTING ACROSS THE

GALAXY IN A ROCKET-BED?

>> MORE LIKE A MAGIC CARPET,

BUT, YES, PRECISELY.

>> BAILIFF, LIGHTS, PLEASE.

ANGELA, I ASK YOU ONCE AGAIN,

ARE THESE TOMMY'S TESTICLES?

AND I REMIND YOU THAT YOU'RE

UNDER OATH.

>> MMM...

MM-HMM. MM-HMM.

[ Muffled ] THESE ARE DEFINITELY

TOMMY'S TESTICLES.

MM-HMM. FOR SURE.

>> THANK YOU, ANGELA.

LIGHTS, PLEASE.

>> YES!

>> NO FURTHER QUESTIONS,

YOUR HONOR.

>> THE PROSECUTION MADE A GOOD

CASE FOR TOMMY'S

"INNER-LEG-TUAL" PROPERTY, BUT

JAKE LASTERBERG AND GO NADZ HAD

ASSEMBLED A LEGAL DREAM TEAM.

>> NOW, MR. VAN FRUNT, YOU'RE

SOMETHING OF A TESTICLE EXPERT,

NO?

>> NOT NO -- YES.

I AUTHORED WHAT IS CONSIDERED

THE GOLD STANDARD ON TESTICULAR

REPRESENTATIONS IN ART.

EW GAVE IT PRETTY CLOSE TO A

BULL'S-EYE.

>> NOW, DR. VAN FRUNT, ARE

GO NADZ MODELED AFTER

TOMMY GOLDMAN'S BALL BAG?

>> NO.

GO NADZ WERE CLEARLY BASED ON

THE CLASSIC GREEK SCULPTURE

VICTORIOUS YOUTH.

>> NO MORE QUESTIONS,

YOUR HONOR.

>> TOMMY'S CASE WAS THROWN OUT.

THE CORPORATE GOLIATH HAD BEATEN

THE TINY DAVID WITH A GOLD SACK

FULL OF MONEY -- SACK AS IN

"BALL SACK," B-BECAUSE THAT'S

WHAT THIS -- THIS WHOLE THING

WAS ABOUT.

JAKE, YOU REALLY DESTROYED TOMMY

IN THERE.

>> I'M SORRY THAT TOMMY FEELS SO

WRONGED, BUT GO NADZ DID NOT

STEAL FROM HIM.

AND JUST LIKE HOW WE HAD TO

SHUT DOWN TRAILER SACKS, BUMPER

JUNK, AND SACKS 5th AVENUE, WE

HAVE A PRODUCT TO DEFEND.

>> SO, WHAT ABOUT TOMMY GOLDMAN?

WELL, LIKE MANY STORIES ABOUT

TESTICLES, THIS ONE HAS A HAPPY

ENDING.

>> I'M MAKING A LOT OF MONEY

NOW.

>> WOW.

>> YEAH. I STARTED MY OWN

AUTO-ACCESSORY COMPANY.

I'M CALLING IT GOLDMAN'S SAC.

>> SO, YOU NAMED YOUR COMPANY

AFTER YOUR OWN LEATHER PURSE>

>> THAT'S RIGHT, NARGE.

>> WHAT'S THE HOOK?

>> YOU MEAN BESIDES BEING A

PERFECT REPRODUCTION OF A

FANTASTIC SET O' BELLS?

>> RIGHT.

>> REALISM.

>> REALISM?

>> OUR VEHICULAR TESTES EXPAND

AND CONTRACT WITH THE

TEMPERATURE.

>> HMM.

>> Biscayne: THAT'S OUR REPORT

FOR TONIGHT.

I'M REAGAN BISCAYNE.

GOOD NIGHT.

>> WOW.

I KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA BE

THINKING THE NEXT TIME I SEE A

SET OF GO NADZ.

NOW, JUST LIKE YOU, WE HAVE

FINISHED WATCHING "NEWSREADERS,"

SO LET'S GET TO GABBIN' ABOUT

SOME OF THE WATERCOOLER MOMENTS

FROM TONIGHT'S EPISODE.

I'M TARK JONES.

THIS IS "TALKING NEWS."

JOINING US HERE AT THE

WATERCOOLER ARE SAMSUNG BOOST

SPOKESPERSON ROB RIGGLE AND

INGRID HAGERSTOWN, FROM

"CHILDRENS HOSPITAL."

WELCOME, GUYS.

NOW, ROB, I KNOW YOU'RE A

"NEWSREADERS" SUPERFAN.

>> YES.

>> SO, HOW ABOUT TONIGHT'S

SUPER BALLS?

>> TARK, CAN I JUST SAY, "WOW"?

I DID NOT SEE JAKE GETTING AWAY

WITH THAT.

>> INGRID, WHAT WERE YOUR

THOUGHTS?

>> [ SPEAKING SWEDISH ]

>> THAT'S A GOOD POINT.

I'M EXPECTING A LOT OF TALK

ABOUT HOW JAKE OWES TOMMY

SOMETHING FOR PLANTING THE SEED

OF THE IDEA.

>> AH, BUT DOES HE?

>> EXACTLY.

>> DOES HE?

I MEAN, THAT'S THE QUESTION,

YOU KNOW?

WE DON'T KNOW!

MAYBE -- MAYBE HE DOES.

BUT THE THING IS...

MAYBE HE DOESN'T.

THINK ABOUT THAT.

>> YEAH.

>> HUH?

>> TWO WAYS OF LOOKING AT IT,

RIGHT, INGRID?

>> [ SPEAKING SWEDISH ]

>> I AM SO HAPPY YOU SAID THAT

BECAUSE I'VE GOT A THEORY, AND

IT'S BLOWING UP ON REDDIT RIGHT

NOW, THAT JAKE ONLY HAS ONE

BALL, SO THAT --

>> OHHH, YES!

THAT'S WHY HE STOLE TOMMY'S!

>> YOU GET IT.

>> OHH!

>> WELL, THE CONVERSATION'S JUST

GETTING STARTED, SO LET'S BRING

OUT OUR NEXT GUEST.

I CANNOT BELIEVE HE IS HERE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S HIS FIRST

TIME ON "TALKING NEWS."

GET READY FOR SKIP REMING!

>> OH, MAN!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE STOP ]

WANT TO HAVE A SEAT?

NOW, HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE

THAT THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME ON

"TALKING NEWS"?

>> HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE THAT

THIS IS A TELEVISION SHOW?

HEY, BLONDIE.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY WIFE?

>> [ Laughing ] HE SAID "WIFE"

INSTEAD OF "LIFE"!

CLASSIC SKIP REMING!

>> AWESOME. SO AWESOME.

NOW, SKIP, YOU HAVE SO MUCH

EXPERIENCE IN THE WORLD OF

NEWS.

HOW DO YOU PUT A STORY TOGETHER?

>> WELL, BACK IN THE DAY, WE DID

IT ON AN UNDERWOOD TYPEWRITER

WITH A CAMERAMAN WHO WAS A

TAILGUNNER AND SOME TEQUILA MADE

FROM RICE.

>> OKAY. OKAY.

HOW ABOUT TONIGHT'S STORY?

TALK TO US ABOUT GO NADZ.

>> LISTEN BLUE JEANS, I GO TO

WORK, I KEEP MY HEAD DOWN, BUT

I KNOW ONE THING -- IF A MAN

STEALS MY JELLY BAG AND GETS

AWAY WITH IT, THEN IT WAS HIS TO

BEGIN WITH.

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING,

KITTEN.

ARE YOU A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS?

'CAUSE I'D LIKE TO GET YOU OUT

OF "DIS" DRESS.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH THESE

OLD-TIMEY LINES, SKIP?

>> EH, NOT NOW KID. I'M MATING.

>> [ SPEAKING SWEDISH ]

>> AH. WELL, SHE'S RIGHT.

I LOVE YOU, SKIP, BUT, UH, YOUR

BREATH HAS GOT A LITTLE BIT OF

THE OLD DR. FUNKENSTEIN IN IT.

>> STOP TALKING, SMILEY, AND

WATCH ME TAKE LACE CURTAINS TO

THE CLEANERS.

[ SPEAKING SWEDISH ]

>> AWWW.

[ SPEAKING SWEDISH ]

>> WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE NOW.

[ SMOOCHES ]

>> THE MAN'S A LEGEND.

WHAT CAN I TELL YOU?

HE'S A LEGEND.

NOW LET'S TAKE IT TO THE

AUDIENCE -- SEE IF ANYONE HAS

ANY QUESTIONS.

YOU THERE.

>> I HAVE A QUESTION FOR SKIP.

ARE THERE ANY SPOILERS FOR NEXT

WEEK?

>> WHAT?

YOU'RE ASKING WHAT NEXT WEEK'S

NEWS IS GOING TO BE?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

>> I CAN JUMP IN ON THIS, IF

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

>> YEAH.

>> NEXT WEEK, UH, TWO

SUPREME COURT JUSTICES ARE GONNA

BE IMPLICATED IN FIXING

GREYHOUND RACING.

ALSO, THERE'S A LEADERSHIP

BATTLE IN AL-QAEDA AROUND THE

ARABIAN PENINSULA -- FOR REALS.

>> WOW.

THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST EPISODE

WE'VE EVER DONE.

I AM NERDING OUT SUPERHARD RIGHT

NOW.

THAT IS ALL THE TIME WE HAVE,

BUT I WANT TO THANK MY GUESTS.

SKIP REMING, ROB RIGGLE,

INGRID HAGERSTOWN.

ANY FINAL WORDS? ROB.

>> UH, WELL THANKS FOR HAVING

ME.

AND, UH, CAN, CAN I PLUG MY

JET SKI ACADEMY?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> HEY, ROB RIGGLE'S

JET SKI ACADEMY.

WE'RE LIVING LA VIDA LOCA!

>> GREAT. SKIP?

>> WELL, THIS WHOLE, UH, THING

HAS BEEN, UH, CONFUSING AND A

BIGGER WASTE OF TIME THAN

VOTING.

OH, I'D ALSO LIKE TO PLUG MY

JET SKI ACADEMY.

>> GREAT. INGRID.

>> [ SPEAKING SWEDISH ]

JET SKI ACADEMY.

>> THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH

FOR BEING HERE.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK ON

"TALKING NEWS."

[ SPEAKS SWEDISH ]

>> YEAH, I LOVE YOUR TANTS.

>> [ SPEAKING SWEDISH ]

>> YEAH. OKAY, KIDDO.

YEAH. YOU WERE GOOD.

>> THANKS, SKIP.

>> YEP. [ GRUNTS ]

>> YOU OKAY, SKIP?

>> HUH?

>> YOU OKAY?

>> YEAH.

YEAH.

>> [ SPEAKING SWEDISH ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> SKIP! SKIP!

>> JUDO!

I HAVEN'T LOST IT.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, SKIP.

>> [ SPEAKING SWEDISH ]

>> UH, JUDO.

HE JUGGLES, TOO.