Original subtitles

>> Biscayne: TONIGHT ON

"NEWSREADERS" -- WE'LL MEET THE

MAN WITH THE WORLD'S MOST

AWKWARD FIST-BUMP.

ALSO, THE FIVE-SECOND RULE --

IT'S OKAY TO EAT FOOD THAT'S

BEEN ON THE GROUND FOR LESS THAN

FIVE SECONDS.

BUT DOES THAT SAME RULE APPLY TO

SOUP?

ALL THAT AND S'MORES...

[Muffled] TODAY ON

"NEWSREADERS."

ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO -- SOME CALL

IT THE ALIEN CAPITAL OF THE

WORLD.

BUT IS IT ALL A HOAX, LIKE

POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION?

OR CAN IT BE PROVEN, LIKE THE

EXISTENCE OF GOD?

SADEE DEENUS WILL LET YOU KNOW

AFTER SHE DOES A COUPLE OF

INTERVIEWS AND STUFF.

YOU KNOW THE DEAL.

>> ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO.

EXTRA-TERRESTRIALS HAVE BEEN

COMING HERE FOR YEARS.

SOME SAY THEY COME HERE FOR THE

DRY HEAT, WHICH IS GOOD FOR

ALIEN ARTHRITIS.

OTHERS SAY THEY DON'T KNOW WHY

THE ALIENS COME HERE, SO WHY

ASK?

WHAT ARE YOU, TRYING TO WRITE A

BOOK OR SOMETHING?

BUT OTHERS, LIKE LOCAL

COMIC-BOOK-STORE OWNER

PAT FENIS, SAY SOMETHING TOTALLY

DIFFERENT.

>> ROSWELL IS NO MORE INFESTED

WITH ALIENS THAN A PRE-JUSTICE

LEAGUE BATMAN COMIC.

>> I DON'T GET THE REFERENCE,

MAINLY BECAUSE I'M PRETTY AND I

WORK OUT.

>> OH, OF COURSE. SORRY.

ALIENS DON'T EXIST.

ROSWELL'S JUST A NORMAL,

ORDINARY TOWN WITH ONE LITTLE

QUIRK.

>> THERE'S NO WHOLE FOODS?

>> NO, WE GOT A WHOLE FOODS

EXPRESS INSIDE THE

BARNES & NOBLE.

>> SO, ROSWELL IS JUST AN

ORDINARY TOWN.

>> IT'S NOT AN ORDINARY TOWN.

ROSWELL IS HAUNTED.

>> WITH ALIENS.

>> NO.

ALIENS DON'T HAUNT.

THEY INVADE, THEY INFEST, OR

THEY VISIT.

SOMETIMES, THEY COME FROM A

DYING PLANET TO BECOME

SUPERHEROES.

>> I DON'T --

>> SUPERMAN.

>> OH.

>> JESUS CHRIST.

YOU'RE AMERICAN, RIGHT?

>> SUPERMAN.

NAN RAFT HEADS THE ROSWELL BOARD

OF TOURISM, AND SHE DISPUTES

PAT'S ALLEGATIONS...

EXCEPT ABOUT THE WHOLE FOODS.

>> PAT FENIS HAS A WONKY SPINE

AND WEARS ORTHOPEDIC REEBOKS.

AND HIS LIPS ARE ALWAYS WET.

>> NO, I KNOW.

HE'S LIKE THIS --

HE DOES LIKE...

[ LIPS SMACKING ]

LIKE, THAT SOUND.

IT'S, LIKE, GROSS.

HE'S, LIKE, GROSS.

>> SO, I THINK IT'S SAFE TO SAY

THAT ROSWELL IS TEEMING WITH

ALIENS.

>> WHAT EVIDENCE DO YOU HAVE TO

SUPPORT THAT CLAIM?

>> BESIDES THE REEBOKS?

>> MM-HMM.

>> WELL, I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT

FOR ALL AMERICANS TO COME HERE

AND SEE FOR THEMSELVES.

AND IF NOTHING HAPPENS DURING

THEIR TRIP, WELL, THEN, THEY

STILL GET TO WALK AWAY WITH A

T-SHIRT, A BUMPER STICKER, AND

GREAT MEMORIES OF ALL THE GOOD

PEOPLE THEY'VE MET HERE.

>> I SAT DOWN WITH SOME OF THESE

GREAT-MEMORIES PROVIDERS AT A

LOCAL DINER CALLED BISCUITS AND

GREYS-VY TO GET TO THE BOTTOM

OF THIS ALIEN/GHOST DEBATE.

>> GHOSTS?

>> YES.

>> PLEASE.

LISTEN, HERE'S THE STORY.

ONE NIGHT, I WAS IN MY STORE,

LITTLE GREEN MENSWEAR -- A BIG

AND TALL SHOP FOR MEN WHO ARE

SHORT AND SMALL -- AND ALL OF

A SUDDEN, IT GOT REAL COLD,

AND ALL THESE FLIES APPEARED ON

ALL THE WINDOWS.

AND I HEAR A VOICE THAT IS

DEFINITELY AN

EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL'S VOICE SAY,

"GET OUT."

>> I'M NOT AN EXPERT, WAYNE, BUT

THAT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE A CLASSIC

ENCOUNTER WITH A GHOST.

>> WELL, I WOULD AGREE.

YOU ARE NOT AN EXPERT.

>> I'VE HAD DIRECT CONTACT WITH

AN E.T.

>> OH.

>> I WAS UP LATE ONE NIGHT,

WORKING ON POTTERY WHEEL,

LISTENING TO "UNCHAINED MELODY."

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, OUT OF

NOWHERE, AN ALIEN PRESENCE COMES

BEHIND ME, SLIDES ITS ARMS

AROUND ME.

WE FELL IN LOVE.

HE STAYED TILL THE END OF THE

SONG, HELPED ME MAKE THAT POT.

>> VERY MOVING.

>> THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FAMOUS

SCENE FROM THE MOVIE "GHOST."

>> YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING.

IT WAS A REAL TEAR-JERKER OF A

CLOSE ENCOUNTER.

>> EVERYBODY'S GOT STORIES LIKE

THAT.

I WAS DOWN AT THE SPACE BAR ON

TRIVIA NIGHT, GETTING HOUSED ON

SHOCKERS.

ONE MINUTE, I'M ENJOYING MY

FAVORITE SPICED LIQUEUR, THE

NEXT, I'M DOWN AT SOME ALIEN'S

TRAILER OVER ON GREENSBORO,

GETTING PROBED BY HIM AND ONE OF

HIS ALIEN BUDDIES...

FOR FIVE HOURS.

>> WES, THAT WASN'T ANY ALIENS.

YOU JUST HOOKED UP WITH A COUPLE

OF DUDES.

>> GOD DAMN IT, WAYNE!

>> DUDE, YOU WERE HOOKING UP

WITH A COUPLE OF DUDES!

>> JUST BECAUSE I'M GAY, I CAN'T

GET ABDUCTED BY ALIENS?

WHY DON'T YOU GROW UP?

NOT EVERY GAY MAN IS OBSESSED

WITH ANAL SEX, OKAY?

>> WELL, BUT YOU ARE OBSESSED

WITH ANAL SEX.

>> AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG --

>> YES, I AM, BUT THE TWO DON'T

CANCEL EACH OTHER OUT.

I CAN BE OBSESSED WITH ANAL SEX

AND THEN ALSO GET ANALLY PROBED

BY ALIENS.

>> THERE ARE NO ALIENS.

THIS PLACE IS LOUSY WITH GHOSTS.

>> HOW CAN YOU BE SURE?

>> ALL OF ROSWELL IS BUILT ON

TOP OF A MASSIVE MESCALERO

BURIAL GROUND.

PLUS, THERE'S THAT OLD INSANE

ASYLUM THAT'S NOW A HOTEL.

THERE'S THAT VICTORIAN ORPHANAGE

WHERE ALL THOSE KIDS DIED IN A

FIRE.

>> SO, THEN, WHY ALL THE ALIEN

HOO-HA?

>> LOOK AT THE ECONOMY OF

ROSWELL.

WHO WOULD STAND TO BENEFIT FROM

DRUMMING UP ALL THIS ALIEN

NONSENSE?

FOLLOW THE MONEY.

OKAY, "FOLLOW THE MONEY" FROM

THE MOVIE "ALL THE PRESIDENT'S

MEN"?

>> AH! YES! RIGHT.

CUBA GOODING JR.

>> NO.

>> FOLLOW THE MONEY, TOM CRUISE!

FOLLOW THE MONEY!

>> KIND OF RACIST.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU JUST NEED TO GO TALK TO

NAN RAFT.

SHE RUNS THE TOURISM BOARD.

>> OH, GOD.

DO I HAVE TO?

I ALREADY TALKED TO HER.

>> LOOK, CAN, UH --

CAN WE SPEAK OFF THE RECORD?

>> WE CAN SPEAK OFF THE RECORD,

BUT I'M GONNA KEEP THESE CAMERAS

RUNNING.

>> THERE ARE NO ALIENS, OKAY?

ROSWELL IS HAUNTED.

>> THEN WHY THE HOAX?

WHY ALL THE ALIEN STUFF?

WHY NOT JUST CALL IT A "GHOST

TOWN"?

>> NOBODY WANTS TO COME HERE TO

BE HAUNTED.

AND THE MARGINS ON THE GHOST

SOUVENIRS AREN'T ANYWHERE NEAR

AS GOOD AS THE ALIEN STUFF.

WE ARE HURTING FOR CASH.

WE'RE HAVING A HARD TIME EVEN

ATTRACTING A DECENT WHOLE FOODS.

>> ONE THING'S FOR SURE --

THE THING CAUSING THE BIGGEST

DISTURBANCE IN ROSWELL IS THE

ALMIGHTY DOLLAR...

LITERALLY.

AFTER OUR INTERVIEW WITH

NAN RAFT, WE STUMBLED ACROSS

THIS -- A TRAIL OF COINS.

THE MISCHIEF MAKERS IN ROSWELL

AREN'T GHOSTS OR ALIENS.

YOU NEED ONLY FOLLOW THE MONEY

TO SEE THAT ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO,

IS INFESTED...

WITH LEPRECHAUNS.

AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE THERE'S

A POT OF GOLD GLOWING UNDER A

RAINBOW AT THE END OF THIS

TRAIL, WELL, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO

SEE FOR YOURSELF.

AND WHILE YOU'RE HERE, STOP BY

SADEE O'DEENUS' PUB FOR A PINT

OF ALE.

TUESDAY NIGHT'S KARAOKE AND

THURSDAY NIGHT'S TRIVIA NIGHT.

FOR "NEWSREADERS," I'M

SADEE DEENUS.

>> Biscayne: ALIENS ARE A BIG

BUSINESS, BUT NOTHING LIKE THE

WEDDING BUSINESS.

THE WEDDING INDUSTRY IS A

$72 BILLION-A-YEAR BUSINESS.

AND WE SENT SKIP REMING TO TAKE

US INSIDE THE MODERN WEDDING.

SKIP?

>> THANK YOU, BLOND LOUIS.

WHAT PASSES FOR NUPTIALS THESE

DAYS WOULD HAVE OUR FOUNDING

FATHERS RUBBING THEIR NAMES OFF

THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.

EVEN THAT FLUFFY SHOW-OFF

HANCOCK.

>> TO GET THE LOW-DOWN ON MODERN

NUPTIALS, I POPPED A SQUAT WITH

WEDDING PLANNER EMILY KOVICKS.

>> I GOT INTO THE BUSINESS

BECAUSE I'M JUST A WEDDING NUT.

>> HEY, SPEAKING OF NUTS, YOU

KNOW, BEFORE THEY NAMED THEM

CASHEWS, WE USED TO CALL THEM

WOODEN EARS.

AND DON'T EVEN ASK WHAT WE

CALLED BOILED FILBERTS.

>> [ CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

SO, TELL ME, WHY ALL THE HOO-HA

ABOUT WEDDINGS?

>> WELL, IT'S, YOU KNOW, AN

OPPORTUNITY FOR THE COUPLE TO

DEBUT THEMSELVES AS MARRIED FOR

THE FIRST TIME.

IT'S REALLY SPECIAL.

>> WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST GET

PREGNANT, SHOTGUN IT, AND THEN

KEEP THE BABY IN THE CELLAR FOR

NINE MONTHS UNTIL THEY CAN JOIN

A GOOD CHURCH LIKE WE USED TO?

>> UH, WELL, IT'S --

WEDDINGS ARE A CHANCE FOR, YOU

KNOW, A COUPLE TO REALLY EXPRESS

THEIR PERSONALITIES.

>> AH, AND WHO BOUGHT YOU,

SISTER?

HUH?

YOU GOT A MAN YOU CAN EXPRESS

YOURSELF AGAINST COME NIGHTFALL?

HMM?

>> I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

IT'S BEEN ONLY SIX MONTHS, SO

WE'RE NOT MARRIED.

>> WELL, THEN, YOU'RE STILL

GAME.

>> UM...

NO. I'M NOT G-GAME...

FOR ANYTHING.

>> WELL, IT WAS A THOUGHT.

>> YEAH...

>> EMILY WAS KIND ENOUGH TO LET

US TAG ALONG TO ONE OF THE

WEDDINGS THAT SHE HAD PLANNED.

WAIT A MINUTE, THERE'S TWO BOYS

ON TOP OF THAT CAKE.

THAT'S NOT RIGHT, IS IT?

YOU HAVE TO FIX THAT.

FORTUNATELY, WE WERE ABLE TO

FIND ANOTHER WEDDING NEARBY, ONE

THAT GOD WOULDN'T HAVE A PROBLEM

WITH.

UH, NO, THANKS,

SUSAN B. ANTHONY.

I'LL WAIT FOR THE MAN PARKER.

THERE'S NOTHING ABOUT WEDDINGS

THAT'S FAMILIAR ANYMORE.

MEN GO TO COUPLE SHOWERS AND TO

BACHELOR PARTIES WHERE THEY

DRINK COCKTAILS THAT ALL END IN

"TINI" AND DON'T START WITH GIN,

INSTEAD OF GETTING THEIR FACES

ALL GLAZED UP LIKE A BOX OF

DOUGHNUTS.

HEY, IF I WANTED SCOTCH, I WOULD

HAVE ORDERED IT WITH A LISP.

A REAL WHISKEY COMES FROM ONE

PLACE AND ONE PLACE ONLY --

CANADA.

NOW, COME ON, SON, LET'S START

THAT FIRE IN MY BELLY!

COME ON.

MODERN WEDDINGS.

IT'S ALL GONE TO HELL.

>> ARE YOU WITH THE BRIDE OR

GROOM?

>> I'M WITH THE PRESS, KIDDO.

>> THE PRESS?

>> THE ANGLICAN PRESS, NOT THOSE

WOP REPORTERS STANDING IN THE

BACK.

>> THAT'S THE GROOM'S FAMILY.

>> OH, THIS IS A DAGO AFFAIR?

GOOD THING I BROUGHT MY KNIFE.

[ WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS"

PLAYS ]

THESE DAYS, THE BRIDE WALKS

HERSELF DOWN THE AISLE, AND

PRIESTS AND RABBIS WORK

TOGETHER, LIKE IN SOME KIND OF

PULPY, DIME-STORE,

SCIENCE-FICTION BOOK.

THE ONLY TIME A PRIEST AND A

RABBI SHOULD EVER BE TOGETHER IS

WHEN THEY WALK INTO A BAR.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> A READING FROM THE APACHE

WEDDING PRAYER.

>> THE ONLY APACHE I EVER KNEW

WAS A WRESTLER BY THE NAME OF

APACHE JOE, AND HE WAS A

MEXICAN.

>> AND I VOW TO LISTEN --

NOT ONLY WITH MY EARS, BUT ALSO

WITH MY HEART.

>> HA HA.

>> SHH.

>> I WILL NOT BE SHUSHED BY A

METHODIST.

THE WEDDING RECEPTION IS STILL A

PLACE WHERE YOU CAN GET

COCKEYED, AND, IF YOU'RE LUCKY,

DIP YOUR GIGGLE STICK INTO SOME

LUCKY SKIRT'S DILLYPOT.

SKIP REMING'S THE NAME, AND THE

BATHTUB IS ALWAYS WARM IN

ROOM 206.

[ GLASS CLINKING ]

>> EXCUSE ME.

I'M THE BEST MAN.

>> OH, HERE'S THE BEST-MAN

SPEECH.

I HOPE YOU GIRLS LIKE STORIES

ABOUT GETTING THE CRABS AND

ALMOST DROWNING.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]

ANYWAY, UM, I MET BRIAN THE

FIRST DAY OF YMCA BASKETBALL

CAMP.

>> AH, HERE COMES THE BIT WHERE

HE LETS THE FATHER OF THE BRIDE

KNOW THAT HIS SON-IN-LAW DOESN'T

SHOOT BLANKS.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> I HAVE A FAMILY OF MY OWN

NOW --

>> COME ON!

GET TO THE TITTY STORIES!

>> SIR, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

LEAVE.

>> I'M NOT LEAVING TILL THE

BRIDE'S FACE IS COVERED WITH

FROSTING AND NOT A SECOND

BEFORE.

>> I'M NOT GONNA ASK YOU AGAIN.

>> WELL, YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO

AFTER I MAKE A NECKLACE OUT OF

YOUR TONGUE.

JUDO!

OW!

OH, YOU.

I SHOT MEN IN THE JUNGLE, YOU

POLICE ACADEMY REJECT.

ROOM 206!

206!

>> Biscayne: TONIGHT, HUMORIST

JIM DAVIDSON IS HERE WITH HIS

SEGMENT, "THINGS THAT MAKE YOU

GO 'JIM.'"

JIM?

>> YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO

CHEW A STICK OF GUM.

I KNOW I DO FROM TIME TO TIME.

OTHER PEOPLE LIKE TO POP A PIECE

OF CANDY.

THE BIG QUESTION IS, WHICH IS

BETTER?

GUM VERSUS CANDY, THE BATTLE

BEGINS RIGHT NOW.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S START WITH GUM.

YOU CHEW IT, AND THEN WHEN

YOU'RE DONE WITH IT, YOU STILL

HAVE IT AND YOU THROW IT AWAY.

CANDY, YOU CHEW IT AND THEN IT'S

GONE.

SO, I GUESS GUM'S BETTER.

>> Biscayne: THANKS, JIM.

COMING UP NEXT WEEK ON

"NEWSREADERS" -- WE'LL MEET THE

FIRST HUMAN TO BE INFECTED WITH

A COMPUTER VIRUS.

SO, YOU TAKE ONE OF THESE TWICE

A DAY?

>> MM-HMM.

>> Biscayne: I'M

REAGAN BISCAYNE.

GOOD NIGHT.