Original subtitles

>> Biscayne: COMING UP ON

"NEWSREADERS"...

MAXDUDE MAGAZINE'S HOMETOWN

HOT BODIES FROM 2005 --

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

MOSTLY, STILL IN THEIR

HOMETOWNS, AND A LOT OF THEM

HAVE KIDS AND ARE NOW DIVORCED.

ALSO, DO YOU HAVE A CHILDREN'S

BOOK IN YOU?

NO, BUT YOU THINK YOU DO.

ALL THAT AND MORE, TONIGHT ON

"NEWSREADERS."

UNLESS YOU HAVE A SAMSUNG GALAXY

OR A MOTOROLA RAZR THAT YOU USE

IRONICALLY, CHANCES ARE YOU HAVE

AN iPhone.

DID YOU KNOW THAT LIKE TOMATOES

AND CANADIANS, iPhone's COME

FROM SOMEWHERE?

THAT'S THE STORY XANDRA DENT

BRINGS US IN TONIGHT'S

"XANDRA'S TECHZINE."

>> WHEN "NEWSREADERS" ASKED ME

TO DO AN iPhone STORY, I WAS

LIKE, "CAN I DRESS LIKE A

WATERMELON FROM FRUIT NINJA?"

BUT WHEN THEY TOLD ME I'D BE

TRACKING THE JOURNEY THE PHONE

TAKES OR WHATEVER, I WAS LIKE,

"WITH A 'NEWSREADERS' PRODUCER?

NO WAY."

I CAUGHT ONE OF THOSE RAPISTS

GOOGLING PICS OF MY FEET.

BUT I DECIDED TO DO THE STORY

ANYWAY BECAUSE OUR CAMERA MAN

HATES PRODUCERS, KNOWS

MIXED MARTIAL ARTS, AND LOOKS

LIKE VIN DIESEL.

SO HOW DOES THE iPhone GET INTO

YOUR POCKET?

IT TAKES TONS OF WORKER BEES TO

DO THAT, WORKER BEES LIKE

COREY FIRFE.

HE'S ONE OF THE NERDS WHO MAKES

THE iPhone TICK OR TWINKLE OR

GONG OR WHATEVER.

FYI, I DIY MY OWN TONES IN

GarageBand.

SO WHAT DO YOU, LIKE, DO ALL

DAY.

>> MY TEAM CODES CUSTOMIZATION

OPS, FOLDER PRIORITIZATION,

UM...

OH, YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU WANT

TO MOVE AN APP AND IT WOBBLES?

THAT'S MINE.

>> WAIT. YOU DID THE WOBBLE?

>> YEAH.

>> OH, MY F'ing G.

I LOVE THE WOBBLE.

ONE TIME, I WOBBLED FOR SO LONG

THAT I LOST TRACK OF TIME AND

GOT SO DEHYDRATED, I HAD TO GO

TO THE E.R.

>> WOW.

>> THAT'S THE SOFTWARE.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE HARDWARE?

>> WHO MAKES THE PHYSICAL PHONE?

WELL, THOUSANDS OF OUTSIDE

CONTRACTORS ALL OVER THE WORLD

DO LITTLE TINY THINGS.

THERE'S A FACTORY IN

GRAND RAPIDS, MICHIGAN, WHOSE

ONLY JOB IS TO BEVEL THE

SIM CARD TRAY.

>> I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU

ANYMORE.

THE TRIP TO GRAND RAPIDS WAS

BUMPY.

MY PRODUCER KEPT PRETENDING HE

WAS ASLEEP SO HE COULD PUT HIS

HEAD ON MY SHOULDER.

THANK GOD THE MALE FLIGHT

ATTENDANT LIKED MY "HAPPY DAYS"

SHIRT.

THAT MEANT FREE CHARDONN-AYY!

FROSTEK MOBILE MAKES THAT THINGY

THAT GOES INSIDE THE PHONE THAT

CHUBBY-WAN KENOBI WOULDN'T SHUT

UP ABOUT.

THE BUSY FACTORY WAS LOUD, HOT,

AND SUPER-HOT.

[ GIGGLES ]

SO WHAT IS ALL THIS JUNK?

>> WELL, THIS IS A HOT INJECTION

MOLDER FOR SIM CARDS.

>> IT'S HOT INJECTION.

>> [ GIGGLES ] SHUT UP.

YOU'RE SUCH A DORK.

>> IT MOLDS HIGH-HEAT METALS

LIKE SILVER IODENIUM NUMBER 2.

>> RIGHT, SO WHERE DO THEY TAKE

ALL THE GARBAGE STUFF THAT YOU

MAKE AND, LIKE, PUT IT IN THE

PHONE?

>> MOST OF THE MANUFACTURING IS

DONE IN CHINA.

>> I LOVE CHINA.

[ HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE ]

I HAVE TO GO TO THE AIRPORT.

>> WE CAN TAKE MY TRUCK.

THE GEAR SHIFT'S A BEER-TAP

HANDLE.

>> BOSS.

I'M TOTALLY GONNA HAVE SEX WITH

YOUR SON.

MY JOURNEY TO TRACE THE iPhone's

JOURNEY WAS JUST BEGINNING.

I WENT ALL THE WAY TO CHINA TO

CHECK OUT ONE OF THE GINORMOUS

FACTORIES WHERE THEY MAKE THE

PHONES.

I THOUGHT JAPAN WAS CHINA.

TURNS OUT IT'S MACRO DIFF.

MY BAD.

ALSO THEY SEEM TO REALLY BE MAD

AT MY iPhone FOR SOME REASON.

>> [ GRUNTS ]

>> THEN THE POLICE FREAKED THE

"F" OUT ON ME.

THEY SAID I CAUSED A RIOT...

NO -- I'M XANDRA DENT FROM

"NEWSREADERS."

...ARRESTED ME FOR DISTURBING

THE PEACE, AND THREW ME IN JAIL.

THE HORRIBLE RACIST STEREOTYPES

THAT CHINESE PEOPLE ARE AN

ANCIENT CULTURE WHO INVENTED

FIREWORKS AND HUGE WALLS

COULDN'T BE FURTHER FROM THE

TRUTH.

I FOUND THEM TO BE A PROUD AND

VERY HUNGRY PEOPLE WHO FOUND ME

TOTALLY ADORBS.

ANYONE?

AND I'M PROUD TO CALL THOSE

SLANTY-EYED CHING-CHONGS MY

FRIENDS.

>> [ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

AFTER SPENDING WEEKS IN A

CHINESE JAIL WIPING MYSELF WITH

CHOPSTICKS...

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I LOST 10 POUNDS.

IT WAS GREAT.

...YOU THINK I'D GO HOME, BUT I

STILL HAD TO FIND THE STUFF THAT

MAKES THE STUFF THAT MAKES THE

PHONE.

I'M THAT RAD.

I CONTINUED MY JOURNEY HERE TO

AFRICA WHERE BONO BUYS ALL HIS

T-SHIRTS AND WHERE THEY MINE THE

SILVER FOR THE iPhone's MAIN

VEINS THAT GO INSIDE THEIR

"DON'T YOU WANT TO TOUCH ME?"

SCREENS.

HI!

THOSE TOOLS AT THE VERIZON STORE

COULD LEARN A LITTLE ABOUT

GETTING THE JOB DONE FROM THESE

WORKERS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR HARD

WORK.

DO YOU USE GarageBand?

>> [ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

>> [ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

>> HE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT THIS

IS.

>> OH, THIS IS THE iPhone HE

HELPED MAKE -- TOTALLY WORTH THE

$500 IT COST.

HE AND HIS CO-WORKERS ARE LIKE

KINGS IN MY COUNTRY.

WE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO MAKE A

PHONE CALL OR PLAY CANDY CRUSH.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> HE'S EXPLAINING BASIC

MACROECONOMY TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T

SEE MONEY FROM THEIR

BACK-BREAKING WORK.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

>> OH, COOL!

THIS IS SO "RESIDENT EVIL!"

DIE, ZOMBIE GUARD!

[ GUNFIRE ]

>> Biscayne: XANDRA DENT IS NO A

CHILD SOLDIER IN LIBERIA.

FOR MORE ON THAT STORY, YOU CAN

TUNE INTO "VICE TV" ON HBO.

BUT IF YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT

FOOD, KEEP IT TUNED IN RIGHT

HERE.

AMERICA'S NOT ONLY OBESE WITH

FOOD.

IT'S OBSESSED WITH IT.

AND AS AMIR LARUSSA REPORTS,

WHEN IT COMES TO EATING OUT,

THERE'S ONE THING AMERICANS LOVE

TO EAT IN -- THEME RESTAURANTS.

>> THESE DAYS, THEME RESTAURANTS

ARE POPPING UP EVERYWHERE.

FROM SCANTILY-CLAD WAITRESSES

SERVING WINGS TO SCANTILY-CLAD

WAITRESSES WEARING WINGS SERVING

WINGS, AMERICA LOVES ITS GRUB

WITH A GIMMICK.

GEORGE DILLARD OF LEWTON,

FLORIDA, THOUGHT HIS

MEDIEVAL-THEMED RESTAURANT,

CATAPULTS, WOULD BE A HUGE

SUCCESS.

BUT THERE WERE ALMOST NO

CUSTOMERS FOR HIS KNIGHTS AND

WENCHES TO SERVE.

>> THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO SHOWED UP

WERE FAT GUYS IN PONYTAILS OR

PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT THEY COULD

WATCH "GAME OF THRONES" ON

SUNDAYS.

I DIDN'T HAVE HBO IN MY PACKAGE.

>> JUST WHEN CATAPULTS WAS ABOUT

TO CLOSE ITS DOORS FOREVER,

GEORGE DILLARD CAUGHT A LUCKY

BREAK.

>> SOMEONE GOT STABBED.

JIM RAY HAWKINS, A 46-YEAR-OLD

TRUCK DRIVER, WAS ACCIDENTALLY

IMPALED WHILE SIR LANCELOT WAS

CLEANING HIS SWORD.

WITH THAT STABBING,

GEORGE DILLARD REALIZED

SOMETHING.

>> PEOPLE WERE DRAWN TO THE

AUTHENTICITY.

>> IT TURNED OUT, WHAT PEOPLE

WANTED WAS A NEW KIND OF

MEDIEVAL RESTAURANT.

SO HE DECIDED TO SIMULATE WHAT

LIVING CONDITIONS WERE ACTUALLY

LIKE IN THE MIDDLE AGES.

HE CREATED A FULLY-AUTHENTIC

FIFTH-CENTURY DINING EXPERIENCE,

COMPLETE WITH SYPHILIS-INFECTED

WAITERS, OPEN FIRES, AND

HISTORICALLY-ACCURATE

AMUSEMENTS.

DILLARD EVEN INSISTED THAT HIS

EMPLOYEES NOT WASH THEIR HANDS.

AND HE CHANGED THE NAME OF THE

RESTAURANT FROM "CATAPULTS" TO

"PLAGUE."

AND PLAGUE QUICKLY BECAME THE

PLACE TO BE --

A CELEBRITY HANG-OUT FOR STARS,

RANGING FROM DESTINY'S CHILD'S

MICHELLE WILLIAMS TO

"BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN'S"

MICHELLE WILLIAMS.

>> WE HAD TO TURN PEOPLE AWAY.

>> BECAUSE YOU WERE BOOKED UP.

>> WELL, NO.

MOSTLY BECAUSE THEY WERE JEWS.

'CAUSE THEY COULDN'T COME INTO A

PLACE LIKE THIS IN THE

MIDDLE AGES.

WE WANTED TO BE HISTORICALLY

ACCURATE.

>> YOU KNOW THEY DIDN'T HAVE

RESTAURANTS AT ALL IN THE

MIDDLE AGES?

>> OH.

>> YOU JUST ASSUMED LIKE, "OH,

JEWS PROBABLY WEREN'T ALLOWED IN

PLACES."

>> PROBABLY NOT. YEAH.

>> YOU KNOW WHO ELSE PROBABLY

WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ALLOWED IN

RESTAURANTS?

>> MM-HMM.

>> DOGS.

>> DESPITE ALL OF ITS SUCCESS,

PLAGUE WASN'T WITHOUT ITS

CRITICS.

A PATRON LOST A FOOT IN THE

BOILING CHEESE MOAT?

>> SO WHAT?

I MEAN, HALF THE STAFF HERE LOST

FEET TO GOUT.

>> A FORMER CHEF CLAIMED THAT HE

ALMOST LOST A THUMB BEING

ATTACKED BY A PACK OF WILD DOGS.

>> A CARELESS CHEF, HUH?

A CARELESS CHEF GOT HIS HAND TOO

CLOSE TO THE CANINE GARBAGE

DISPOSAL SYSTEM.

>> CANINE GARBAGE DISPOSAL?

SOUNDS LIKE "FLINTSTONES" A

LITTLE BIT.

>> BUT IT'S NOT

"THE FLINTSTONES."

>> NO.

>> THESE ANIMALS DON'T TALK.

>> WELL, I DON'T THINK THERE

WERE ANY TALKING DINOSAURS IN

"THE FLINTSTONES."

THE ELEPHANT SHOWER DIDN'T TALK.

THE BIRD REMOTE CONTROL DIDN'T

TALK.

>> OH, YES, IT DID.

"IT'S A LIVING."

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> "I'M SICK OF DOING THIS."

>> MY BAD.

>> "WHEN'S MY BREAK?"

>> I HAVEN'T SEEN IT IN A WHILE.

>> SEE, BUT THAT'S PREHISTORIC

TIMES.

>> YEAH.

>> WHEN YOU GET TO MEDIEVAL

TIMES, ANIMALS STOPPED TALKING.

>> BUSINESS AT PLAGUE WAS

BOOMING, AND THEN THE THINKABLE

HAPPENED.

>> WELL, ONE OF OUR PATRONS WAS

DECAPITATED WHILE WAITING FOR

THE OX-DRAWN DESSERT CART.

>> BY YOUR GUILLOTINE.

AND THAT TURNED AN AVERAGE

TOURIST PHOTO INTO AN AWESOME

TOURIST PHOTO.

>> IT'S NOT FAULT THEN THAT HE

DIDN'T READ THE WARNING SIGNS.

>> WELL, THE WARNING SIGN

SAID...

I DO A LOT OF STORIES, SO

THERE'S A LOT OF NOTES.

SHOULD FIGURE OUT A BETTER WAY

TO GET TO THE PAGES THAT I NEED

TO GET TO.

THE WARNING SIGN SAID,

"MONITIO: HAEC AUFERAM

CAPUT TUUM."

>> IT'S NOT MY FAULT HE DIDN'T

KNOW LATIN.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S ON OUR MONEY,

FOR CHRISSAKES.

>> GEORGE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO

SHUT PLAGUE DOWN.

>> PEOPLE JUST STOPPED COMING.

I COULDN'T STAY OPEN.

>> BECAUSE OF THE FREQUENT

DEATHS?

>> NO. PEOPLE LOVE THAT.

A TGI-OBGYN OPENED UP ACROSS THE

STREET.

>> THE RESTAURANT WITH THE

STIRRUP CHAIRS?

>> YEAH.

I CAN'T COMPETE WITH THAT.

SEX SELLS.

>> THEY HAVE AN ITEM ON THEIR

MENU CALLED "HPVLT."

IT'S A VD-THEMED RESTAURANT.

>> A LOT OF PLACES, THAT'LL

SELL.

>> THAT'S SUPER-DISGUSTING.

>> DISGUSTING SELLS, TOO.

>> Biscayne: FINALLY TONIGHT, A

FEW THOUGHTS FROM SKIP REMING.

>> ONLY TWO THINGS SCARE ME IN

THIS WORLD, AND THAT'S TWINS.

PERSONALLY, I CAN THINK OF

EXACTLY THREE USES FOR PEOPLE

WHO LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE.

ONE, MEAT SAUCE.

TWO, VOTER FRAUD.

THREE, I FORGOT 'CAUSE I THOUGHT

ABOUT TWINS AGAIN, AND I GOT

DISTRACTED.

THEY SAY THE DEVIL HAS A FORKED

TONGUE.

WELL, TWINS ARE LIKE THE DEVIL,

BUT WITH A FORKED EVERYTHING.

THEY'RE TWO ENTIRE FORKED

PEOPLE.

AND TWINS AND FORKS ARE THE

DEVIL'S PLAYTHINGS.

THAT IS WHY I INSIST ON MASHING

ALL MY FOOD INTO A SOUP THAT I

CAN EAT WITH A GODLY SPOON.

THAT'S RIGHT.

NOT BECAUSE I WEAR DENTURES...

I DON'T.

IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T TRUST TWO

OF ANYTHING.

>> Biscayne: NEXT WEEK ON

"NEWSREADERS," WHY IS THIS MAN

WEARING NO PANTS?

THE ANSWER WILL SURPRISE YOU.

HE IS WEARING PANTS.

THEY'RE CALLED "SCROTES," AND

WE'LL TELL YOU WHY THEY'RE THE

TALK OF THE FASHION WORLD,

ALSO, PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO

BUSINESS USING THE WORD "Y'ALL."

FINALLY TONIGHT, A CORRECTION.

LAST WEEK ON THIS PROGRAM, I

SAID, "I'M LOUIS LaFONDA.

GOODNIGHT."

WE'VE FIXED THE TELEPROMPTER AND

APOLOGIZE FOR THE MISTAKE.

I'M LOUIS LaFONDA.

GOODNIGHT.

COME ON.