Original subtitles

>> Biscayne: TONIGHT ON

"NEWSREADERS, WE'LL MEET THE

WORLD'S OLDEST LIVING TREE.

HE'S AS RACIST AS YOU MIGHT

EXPECT.

AND DYSLEXIC ZOMBIES.

WE'LL TELL YOU WHY YOU NEED TO

WORRY IF YOUR NAME IS BRIAN.

ALL THAT AND MORE TONIGHT ON

"NEWSREADERS."

FIRST TONIGHT, PARENTS WILL DO

ANYTHING FOR THEIR CHILDREN,

INCLUDING DOING THINGS THAT

NOBODY KNEW...WERE THINGS.

SADEE DEENUS HAS MORE...

ON THOSE THINGS.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY --

"PARENTING USED TO BE EASY."

TWO PEOPLE WOULD SMASH, SPLOOGE,

AND THEN WATCH AS THEIR BABY

MATURED INTO A QUARTERBACK OR A

LAWYER OR A WOMAN.

BUT LIKE SO MANY THINGS,

PARENTING ISN'T SO SIMPLE THESE

DAYS.

>> I LOVE MY SON.

AND I JUST --

I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING I CAN DO

FOR THAT BOY.

>> YOU'VE HEARD OF "TIGER MOMS"

AND "HELICOPTER PARENTS" WHO TRY

TO CONTROL EVERY ASPECT OF THEIR

CHILDREN'S LIVES.

WELL, MARK JONES OF WEST ORANGE,

NEW JERSEY, IS A "MOTORBOATING

DAD."

HE'S TEACHING HIS SON THE

LESSONS THAT AREN'T TAUGHT IN

THE CLASSROOM.

>> FORGET, LIKE, S.A.T. PREP.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I FEEL LIKE IF YOU'RE CONFIDENT

ENOUGH TO GRAB A HOT PIECE OF

ASS, THEN YOU'RE CONFIDENT

ENOUGH TO DO ANYTHING AND GO

ANYWHERE IN LIFE.

HOT WIFE, GOOD LIFE.

>> SO YOU'RE BASICALLY TEACHING

YOUR SON HOW TO ROMANCE WOMEN.

>> I'M TEACHING HIM A SPECIFIC

SKILL-SET THAT HE WILL NEED TO

KNOW WHEN HE HEADS INTO HIS

FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE.

YOU SEE?

I-I'M TEACHING HIM HOW TO COOK

ONE MEAL REALLY WELL, UH, A

LITTLE BIT OF CARPENTRY, OR A

FEW DITTIES ON THE GUITAR TO

PLAY AT PARTIES FOR CHICKS.

>> HOW TO SAY, LIKE, "I'M SORRY"

BY, LIKE, FLIPPING YOUR HAIR

LIKE...

>> EXACTLY!

>> MARK GOT INVOLVED WHEN HE SAW

THAT HIS SON'S STANDARDIZED TEST

SCORES WERE ONLY IN THE 20th

PERCENTILE.

>> WELL, OF COURSE I WISH HE WAS

SMART, BUT I CAN'T MAKE HIM

SMART.

HIS COOLNESS FACTOR WITH THE

LADIES?

WELL, THAT'S STILL WET CONCRETE

THAT I CAN MOLD.

>> NO, NO.

DON'T -- DON'T LOOK AT YOUR

FINGERS 'CAUSE THEN IT LOOKS

LIKE ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS YOUR

[Chuckling] FINGERS.

HERE, LOOK. YOU KNOW WHAT?

LOOK AT HER.

LOOK AT HER.

WHO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO.

HUH?

>> HE'S DUBBED HIS LESSONS

"THE BROS AND THE BEES," AND HAS

PUBLISHED A BOOK THAT YOU CAN

BUY WHEREVER BOOKS ARE SOLD --

SO, AMAZON, BASICALLY.

HIS PHILOSOPHY AND TECHNIQUES

HAVE CAUGHT ON WITH FATHERS

EVERYWHERE.

BUT JUST LIKE MOVIES IN THE ART

WORLD, "MOTORBOATING DADS" HAVE

THEIR CRITICS, CRITICS LIKE

MOTHER-OF-THREE

CHERYL HINNERMAN.

>> I HEARD ABOUT THIS THING, YOU

KNOW, AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?

DADS ARE DOING THIS?"

AND THEN THEY WERE LIKE, "YEAH,

I SAW IT ONLINE."

AND I WAS LIKE, "REALLY?

WHAT'S THE WEBSITE?"

AND THEY SAID, "I DON'T

REMEMBER, JUST 'GOOGLE' IT."

UGH, CINDY.

SO, I-I DID.

>> SO YOU FIND THIS REVOLTING?

>> WELL, SURE, BUT EVERYTHING

ABOUT PARENTING IS REVOLTING.

I STILL WIPE MY DAUGHTER'S ASS

AND SHE'S 5, BUT THAT IS NOT

SOME CRAZY THING.

LOOK, I JUST --

I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR TO THE

NATURALLY HANDSOME BOYS OUT

THERE WHO DON'T KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT BOB DYLAN.

>> MARK, SOME CRITICS SAY THAT

IT'S INAPPROPRIATE KNOWLEDGE FOR

A YOUNG CHILD.

>> OH, SO CHIVALRY IS

INAPPROPRIATE?

HMM?

KNOWING A LITTLE BIT OF FRENCH,

UH, IS INAPPROPRIATE?

KNOWING HOW TO PUT ON A CONDOM

SUPER-FAST IS INAPPROPRIATE?

>> I DON'T WANT MY DAUGHTER

FALLING PREY TO SOME UGLY

DUM-DUM JUST BECAUSE HE OWNS A

GOLDEN-RETRIEVER PUPPY AND CAN

HACKY-SACK AND GOES TO

"BURNING MAN" OR -- OR WHATEVER

THIS STUPID GARBAGE THEY'RE

BEING TAUGHT BY THESE DADS.

>> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IF TEACHING MY KID HOW TO

PRETEND TO LISTEN OR HOW TO

PROPOSE A CUDDLE SESSION IS

EVIL, THEN I CHALLENGE SOMEONE

FROM THE FUTURE TO COME BACK IN

TIME AND MURDER ME RIGHT NOW AS

IF I WAS SOME SORT OF HITLER.

WHERE ARE THEY?

THEY'RE NOT HERE, ARE THEY?

>> NO.

>> I DON'T SEE ANYONE.

RIGHT, SO WHAT DOES THAT TELL

YOU?

>> WELL, THAT TIME TRAVEL MIGHT

NOT EXIST, PERHAPS?

>> IN THE FUTURE, IT TOTALLY

EXISTS.

>> Biscayne: HMM.

THANKS, SADEE.

I THINK YOU MAY HAVE MISSED THE

BIGGER STORY THERE.

NEXT, GAME SHOWS.

SINCE THE DAYS OF RADIO,

TELEVISION GAME-SHOWS HAVE

ENTHRALLED US.

WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO THE

WINNERS -- THEY NEVER SHUT UP

ABOUT IT.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE LOSERS?

WHAT HAPPENS TO THEM?

WELL, IF THEY LOSE ON THE

LONG-RUNNING GAME SHOW

"PRECIPICE," A LUCKY FEW GET THE

CONSOLATION PRIZE OF APPEARING

IN THIS SHOCKING "NEWSREADERS"

STORY.

>> LET'S PLAY "PRECIPICE"!

>> Biscayne: "PRECIPICE."

IT'S JUST LIKE "JEOPARDY" EXCEPT

WITH THE QUESTIONS AS QUESTIONS

AND THE ANSWERS AS ANSWERS.

AMERICA HAS WATCHED CONTESTANT

AFTER CONTESTANT HIT IT BIG

ANSWERING HOST TED FISHLAKE'S

TRIVIA TEASERS.

BUT ON "PRECIPICE," NOT

EVERYBODY RAKES IN THE WINNINGS.

[ BUZZER ]

>> GRAY TUFTED WARBLER.

[ BUZZER ]

>> SOME, LIKE RYAN ROSENBERG OF

PHILADELPHIA, SHOVEL IN THE

LOSINGS.

[ BUZZER ]

>> MAGMA.

[ BUZZER ]

SUZANNE PLESHETTE.

[ BUZZER ]

EXCESS FORESKIN.

[ BUZZER ]

>> I'M SORRY.

THE ANSWER WE WERE LOOKING FOR

WAS "DON CHEADLE."

>> OH, OF COURSE.

DON CHEADLE.

>> AND, RYAN, THIS TAKES YOU

DOWN TO MINUS $9,200.

>> IT WAS REALLY EMBARRASSING,

>> Biscayne: BUT EMBARRASSMENT

WAS THE LEAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS,

THOUGH.

>> WELL, I WOULDN'T SAY IT WAS

THE LEA OF MY PROBLEMS.

LIKE, THERE'S THIS GUY AT WORK I

WENT TO LUNCH WITH ONE DAY.

NOW HE THINKS WE'RE BEST

FRIENDS, BUT I DON'T REALLY

CLICK WITH HIM.

THAT'S PROBABLY THE LEAST OF MY

PROBLEMS.

>> Biscayne: RIGHT, BUT YOU HAD

BIGGER PROBLEMS OTHER THAN BEING

EMBARRASSED ON THE SHOW AND WHO

YOU GO TO PANERA WITH.

THAT'S WHAT I --

>> OH, YEAH.

NO, I ENDED UP OWING "PRECIPICE"

A TON OF MONEY.

MMM. WAY BIGGER PROBLEM.

>> Biscayne: THAT'S RIGHT.

WHEN A CONTESTANT'S SCORE GOES

BELOW ZERO, THEY OWE THAT MONEY

BACK TO THE SHOW.

AND "PRECIPICE'S" AGGRESSIVE

CREDITORS WILL COME KNOCKING IF

YOU CAN'T PAY UP.

>> THE SHOW SAID THAT THEY WOULD

WORK WITH ME, SET ME UP ON A

PAYMENT PLAN.

BUT THEY JUST PUT A LIEN ON MY

HOUSE.

SO NOW THEY OWN IT.

>> Biscayne: AND THAT WAS YOUR

HOUSE, RIGHT THERE?

>> YEP.

THE SHOW'S HOST TURNED IT INTO A

THIRD DOGHOUSE FOR HIS MASTIFFS.

SO, THEY JUST CRAP THERE NOW...

MAYBE HAVE SEX.

THE DOGS AREN'T FIXED.

>> Biscayne: HOW ARE YOU PAYING

FOR THE DEBT?

>> MOSTLY BY SELLING PLASMA.

>> Biscayne: BUT HOW MUCH CAN

THAT REALLY PAY FOR?

>> WELL, I CUT MY PLASMA WITH MY

OWN SPERM, SO I HAVE MORE OF IT

TO SELL.

>> Biscayne: [ GASPS ]

WOULDN'T IT MAKE MORE SENSE

TO SELL THE SPERM AND THE PLASMA

SEPARATELY?

>> YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF

THAT.

HUH.

YOU'D PROBABLY DO REALLY WELL IF

YOU WENT ON "PRECIPICE."

>> Biscayne: REALLY?

>> YEAH.

>> Biscayne: ASKING ALL THOSE

WHO'S, WHAT'S, AND WHEN'S HAS

MADE TED FISHLAKE A RICH MAN,

AFFORDING HIM A LIFESTYLE OF

PRIVATE JETS, LEATHER CRAYONS,

AND PANDA-MEAT SLIDERS.

WE DECIDED TO ASK FISHLAKE A FEW

QUESTIONS OF OUR OWN.

WHAT ABOUT RYAN ROSENBERG?

>> WELL, MR. ROSENBERG NEGLECTED

TO READ HIS CONTRACT, PERIOD.

>> Biscayne: BUT...WHY GO AFTER

THEM?

I MEAN, WHY NOT SEND THEM HOME

WITH CONSOLATION PRIZES?

>> WE'RE NOT HEARTLESS...

WITH CONTESTANTS OF LIMITED

MEANS.

WE SEND THEM HOME WITH A PLASMA

PUMP.

>> Biscayne: IT'S NOT JUST

REGULAR PEOPLE LIKE RYAN WHO GET

THEMSELVES IN TROUBLE WITH

GAME-SHOW CREDITORS.

FAMOUS PEOPLE DO, TOO.

ROB HUEBEL, STAR OF THE

LONG-RUNNING TELEVISION DRAMA

"CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL," LOST

$140,000 IN ONE WEEK PLAYING FOR

CHARITY ON

"CELEBRITY PRECIPICE."

[ BUZZER ]

>> I DON'T KNOW. KITTY CATS.

[ BUZZER ]

OH, I DID TERRIBLY ON THAT

SHOW -- ONE OF THE WORST

PERFORMANCES OF MY CAREER, AND I

WAS IN THE MUSICAL ADAPTATION OF

"THE ACCUSED."

BUT I DIDN'T HAVE TO PAY ANY OF

THE MONEY BACK.

>> Biscayne: NO, THAT WAS THE

RESPONSIBILITY OF

"CIRRHOSIS ENDERS," THE CHARITY

HUEBEL WAS PLAYING FOR.

HUGH DEAN IS THE HEAD OF

"CIRRHOSIS ENDERS."

AFTER ROB HUEBEL LOST ALL THAT

MONEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO

"CIRRHOSIS ENDERS"?

>> THE LAB WAS SHUT DOWN AND,

UH, TEST SPECIMENS DIED.

DECADES OF WORK WERE LOST.

I'D SAY WE WERE FIVE OR SIX

MONTHS AWAY FROM A CURE FOR

CIRRHOSIS, BUT...WHO KNEW THAT

HUEBEL WAS THAT DUMB.

>> Biscayne: IF ROB HUEBEL WAS

HERE RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD YOU

SAY TO HIM?

>> UH, PROBABLY NOTHING, UH,

BECAUSE I'D BE SO GRIPPED WITH A

WHITE-HOT RAGE THAT SPEECH

WOULDN'T REALLY BE AN OPTION.

I'D PROBABLY CHOKE HIM TO DEATH.

SO, TAKE WHATEVER, SORT OF, YOU

COULD FROM THAT.

>> Biscayne: YOU'RE UNHAPPY?

>> YEAH, I'M UNHAPPY WITH WHAT

HE DID 'CAUSE HE RUINED, UM, YOU

KNOW, A LARGE PORTION OF MY

LIFE.

>> Biscayne: HE WAS SO GOOD IN

"THE ACCUSED" MUSICAL.

>> THOUGHT HE WAS A LITTLE BIG.

>> I JUST HOPE I NEVER GET

CIRRHOSIS.

OH, I'M...OUT OF GLITTER.

[ Screaming ] WHY AM I OUT OF

GLITTER?!

WHY?! WHY?!

WHERE IS THE GLITTER THAT

BELONGS TO ME?!

WHERE?!

>> MOST PEOPLE DO FINE.

YOU DON'T THROW OUT STUPID

ANSWERS ON THOUSAND-DOLLAR

QUESTIONS.

MR. HUEBEL THOUGHT THAT CHINESE

PEOPLE INVENTED KITTY CATS.

>> Biscayne: BUT GAME SHOWS --

IT'S CLASSIC WISH-FULFILLMENT.

AREN'T YOU AFRAID THAT ONCE

PEOPLE SEE THIS, THEY'RE GONNA

STOP WATCHING BECAUSE THEY'RE

AFRAID THAT THEIR WISHES ARE

GONNA COST THEM THEIR HOMES?

>> HMM.

I'VE NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

BOY, YOU'RE SMART.

YOU'D BE GREAT AT THIS SHOW.

>> Biscayne: YOU -- OH.

>> I MEAN, WE HAVE A NEW

CELEBRITY EDITION COMING, BUT

I'M SURE YOU'RE TOO BUSY.

>> Biscayne: NO.

I-I MEAN, W-WE COULD EXPLORE IT.

>> YOU WOULD CLEAN US OUT.

>> Biscayne: AH.

>> YOUR DOG WOULD BE CRAPPING IN

MY HOUSE.

>> Biscayne: [ Chuckling ]

I DON'T HAVE A DOG.

>> I'M GONNA REGRET THIS.

ONCE UPON A TIME, THIS WHITE,

POWDERY DRUG MADE FROM COCA

LEAVES WAS USED TO TREAT

HEADACHES AND HAY FEVER.

>> Biscayne: MEDICINE!

>> WOW.

YOU'VE NAILED IT!

>> Biscayne: [ LAUGHS ]

DING, DING, DING!

AND NOW SOME MUSINGS FROM

HUMOROUS JIM DAVIDSON.

>> I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IT IS SOMETIMES REALLY TOUGH TO

FIND A PARKING SPACE AT

FIREWORKS DISPLAYS.

IT SEEMS THAT EVERY

FOURTH OF JULY I SHOW UP AT THE

CITY PARK, READY FOR FIREWORKS,

AND IT TAKES ME 10 MINUTES TO

FIND A SPACE.

THEN I ONLY HAVE 15 MINUTES TO

GET A HOT DOG AND PUT MY BLANKET

DOWN 'CAUSE I USUALLY GET THERE

25 MINUTES BEFORE.

15 MINUTES IS ENOUGH TIME, SO

IT'S REALLY NOT A BIG DEAL.

>> Biscayne: COMING UP NEXT WEEK

ON "NEWSREADERS," THEY'RE CALLED

"RETRO-RETROVIRAL DRUGS."

AND WE'LL TELL YOU HOW CLUB-KIDS

ARE GETTING A NEW BUZZ OFF OF

EXPIRED A.I.D.S. MEDICATIONS.

I'M REAGAN BISCAYNE.

GOOD NIGHT.

>> THE NAME FOR WHICH EUROPEAN

SPECIALTY FOOD COMES FROM THE

FRENCH WORD MEANING "MELTED"?

>> Biscayne: [ French accent ]

MELTED.

[ BUZZER ]

>> HOW LONG WOULD IT TAKE A MAN

TRAVELING 60 MILES AN HOUR ALONG

THE EQUATOR TO CIRCUMNAVIGATE

THE EARTH?

[ BUZZER ]

>> Biscayne: 1,000.

>> 1,000 WHAT?

>> Biscayne: WHO?

[ BUZZER ]

>> FOR MEN, WHAT IS THE MOST

COMMON SIDE EFFECT OF VERY

TIGHT, CONSTRICTING UNDERWEAR?

[ BUZZER ]

>> Biscayne: DON CHEADLE.

[ BUZZER ]

>> I'M SORRY.

THE ANSWER WE WERE LOOKING FOR

WAS "EXCESS FORESKIN."