Original subtitles

[jingle bell theme music]

♪ Hark thy deep and dreamless sleep ♪

♪ The silent stars go bye ♪

♪ Yet in thy dark streets shineth ♪

♪ The everlasting light ♪

♪ The hopes and fears of all the years ♪

♪ Are met in ♪

There's football on, would you shut up?

Well, that's not the Christmas spirit.

Well, there's no Christmas.

I know, but we are singing a Christmas song.

A God song, a Christmas--

Carol.

Carol.

New vicar wants to hear the Christmas choir.

Me and Abby always used to do that for you, didn't we?

Do you remember?

Yeah, I do.

Are you coming, Michael?

Don't be ridiculous, soccer's on.

First match of the season, or something.

♪ Oh, little town of Bethlehem ♪

♪ How still we see thee lie ♪

♪ Yet in thy dark streets shineth ♪

♪ The everlasting light ♪

♪ The hopes and fears of all the years ♪

Okay, thank you.

Heard enough.

[chuckling]

Yes.

So, you're the Christmas choir?

Yes.

And we have been for the last six years.

Question is, why weren't you all singing?

Oh, no, I thought we were.

They were.

You were making some sort of noise,

some sort of squeaking noise.

Okay, so our old vicar said that I had quite--

I don't care what your old vicar said, okay?

This year, we're going to do things a bit different.

What? Why, Why?

I always did a really good Christmas.

Why are we doing this in the summer?

I'm famous for my Christmas Nativity play.

I need to see what I've got to work with,

and by the sound of things, not a great deal.

Marley, is it?

Yes.

Who gave you voice?

Huh?

The gift to vocalize.

Oh, well my mum had a pretty good--

[Vicar] God!

Oh.

God gave you voice, child.

You really want God to know that that's

how you're using it?

I mean, he's forgiving, but in your case, I'm not so sure.

I've been in the Christmas choir for six years.

Do you know what I am?

Yes, I do, but I'm in a church,

so I'm not allowed to say it.

I'm a new broom.

I'm going to brush away the old and sweep in the new.

From what I hear, your old vicar

didn't put on much of a show.

Yes, I did, actually!

We had Jesus stories and we had the children dancing

and then we had the, the songs, the--

Carols?

Carols!

My show is going to have, oh I don't know,

let me see, music, drums, props, costumes,

shepherds, kings, slave girls.

Slave what?

The three kings were there!

In those days, you got kings, you got slave girls,

and hopefully, a few more dads tending.

Oh.

And this year, I intend to announce the arrival of drama.

Last year, at St. Luke's the local Chronicle

called my production, and I quote,

"A festival fantastic, spectacular.

"A must-see."

And then it goes on to say, "The Reverend Rose's

"portrayal of Joseph is unsurpassed."

Unsurpassed!

Usually it's the children that do the Nativity.

Can they act?

Can you?

I am but a humble player.

I thought you were a vicar.

A reverend, if you please.

"Mixing tradition with Andrew Lloyd Webber's

Starlight Express choo choo was inspired."

Sounds a bit complicated.

Don't worry your pretty little head about it.

Oh excuse me, I'm not a pretty little head.

And that's why you won't be a slave girl.

Maybe I don't want to be a slave girl.

No, I do, though.

I may have lost my place in the Christmas choir,

but that does not mean to say that I will lose my,

ah!

Dignity I think she was gonna say,

isn't that right, Marley?

Dignity, Marley?

[moaning]

Marley?

That new vicar was really very rude to Marley and me.

Said Marley couldn't sing and that

my Christmases were rubbish,

which is just not true.

Is it?

Everyone loves my Palm Sunday and the Ash Wednesday and...

What's the one with the eggs?

Easter.

Easter, did a wonderful Easter.

Did Marley say anything after the accident?

Before the ambulance.

She made noises.

[moaning]

Did any of them sound like,

"Tell Adam I love him."?

Why would she say that?

Because that's how she feels.

Yeah, but she loves me more.

Me more?

Me more.

Let's just not do this again, alright?

Marley's in a hospital.

Let's have a bit of respect.

Fine.

I saw that.

[Adam] What?

You just mouthed "Me more."

So?

So, she loves me more.

Me more?

[Michael] Me more.

Okay, okay, let's just say it together, alright?

After three.

Okay.

Right, one, two--

Me more.

Sorry, I thought, thought it was a race.

First to say it wins.

It's not a race!

Mrs. Wise?

Marley, doctor's here.

Mrs. Wise?

Marley.

[clanging]

Good sleep?

Excellent, okay.

How is she?

[Doctor] You're fine.

Right.

We've run tests.

It could have been a lot worse.

Nasty fall.

You've been lucky, just some bruising.

You see, 'cause I--

I know, I know you're going to be worried.

No need to be.

We've double-checked.

Baby's fine.

What do you mean?

Was there a baby involved?

Whose baby?

You're both fine.

Both?

I don't understand.

What's both?

Mother and baby are fine.

I'll be back.

[melancholy music]

[chuckling]

Oh, oh!

Adam.

[laughing]

Oh, Michael, it's, oh Michael.

-[chuckling] -[mumbling]

Vicar?

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna have...

Oh, oh God.

Ooh.

Maybe they've got it wrong.

Well, you saw the tests, Vicar, the scan.

Yeah, a snowflake, a little baby.

You didn't know?

Well, apparently, it can happen.

I'm pregnant, Michael.

[swooshing]

And?

And?

What?

Who's the father?

Does it matter?

Yes, it bloody matters.

Okay, so Adam and Michael died at the beginning of April--

Yeah, and I'm four and half months,

so that has to be, end of March.

Okay, right, well, 21st of March,

you were to Legislator's Convention.

Any sex?

No!

Oh my, I only asked.

It is a convention.

Um, right, the 22nd you were on a train from Aberdeen.

Any sex?

What, on a train?

People don't have sex on trains.

I told you that in confidence.

I was at University, happened once.

Okay, twice, I was young.

Daniel was very good looking and spontaneous.

Anyway, that doesn't apply now.

Yeah, I think it does apply just 'cause you were young.

If you're the sort of woman that has sex on a train--

I'm not the sort of woman who has sex on train,

you're the sort of woman who has sex on trains.

That is very rude and disrespectful.

How dare you?

I'm having trouble keeping a straight face.

I've had so much sex on trains.

Could we start this over, please?

Who's the father?

Okay, so the 23rd, you had lunch with the mayor

and then a meeting at civic council.

24th, you had dinner with the ombudsman.

Okay, so I haven't been to bed with the mayor,

the civic council or the ombudsman,

in fact, the only men I have been to bed with

in the last 20 years are Adam and Michael.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

I can't believe I can't remember.

Well, I should imagine that Michael's

quite forgettable in bed.

Well, hang on a minute.

It could have been me.

I could have been forgettable in bed.

Well, any other day I wouldn't have said that.

Do you not remember?

I was almost drunk.

I'm not sure, maybe--

Oh come on, Marley, think.

Passion, clothes ripping, kissing, biting, grabbing.

Oh yeah.

Are you thinking about that Daniel?

Tarts and vicars!

What?

What?

Mmm?

You'd just got back from Aberdeen

and you were really happy 'cause you got

that promotion and we went straight to the office party

and there were costumes and prizes.

Yeah, tarts and vicars.

That's right, and Mr. Allen got really drunk

and started making passes at all the women,

which was even worse 'cause he actually was a vicar.

Yes, then we drove him back home--

And on the way back--

Yeah, in the back of the car--

Twice!

Backs of cars?

Trains?

Who are you?

Yes, yes, I'm gonna be a dad!

[chuckling]

Oh Adam, I'm so sorry.

But, to be fair, you do already have a daughter.

I never knew her, never saw her.

Congratulations, Michael.

Thank you, Adam.

If I could shake your hand, I would.

Really?

No, sorry.

[melancholy music]

I'm going to be a father.

[gasping]

Listen!

People of Bethlehem, she's having a baby!

That's when you come in.

I say, "She's having a baby."

You sing hallelujah.

Okay?

Listen, people of Bethlehem.

She's having a baby!

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Well, you can't come in here.

There's no room at the,

what is it?

Inn.

[Mr. Pauley] Inn.

It's inn, Mr. Pauley,

and you don't say it until the drumming starts.

Alright, sorry.

[banging]

Okay, it's fine.

We've still got four months, okay?

So, let's take five and then come back

and start from the top, okay.

So, anyway, I just want to let you know

that I've worked it out.

So did I.

I've checked my diary and it's got to be the 29th.

Yes, it is, that's right.

Congratulations on the baby.

Oh, thank you Mrs. Bains.

Everyone's talking about it.

Thank you, Abby.

Shame you don't know who the father is.

What was it?

Stranger up an alley or something?

No.

It wasn't a stranger up an alley.

I know who the father is.

So do I.

I think I worked it out last night.

It was the night of your party.

Which I had completely forgotten about.

Well, I remember it because I won first prize

for the best outfit.

Tarts and vicars.

What?

The party, that was the thing.

I didn't know that.

Well, what did you think you won first prize for?

Oh, anyway.

Sailor, in the dockyard, was it?

I know who the father is, thank you Mrs. Bains.

Okay, so.

I'd passed out behind the sofa and everyone

had gone home and then Adam came back

and he was really drunk and you'd got really drunk.

Oh my God.

Yes, that's right.

And you were crying and so he hugged you

and then I heard you kiss.

Oh my God, I was feeling really guilty

about the car thing with Michael

and Adam was being really sweet and so we--

Yeah, yeah, you did.

Listen!

People of Bethlehem, she's having a baby!

So maybe it's Adam's.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Hallelujah.

Three times.

[laughing]

I didn't say it was three times.

Well honey, you know, you couldn't

even remember doing it the first time.

So, I'm sticking with the hat trick.

We still don't know whose it is.

What I thought we'd do is, like, upstairs

where's there's those two extra rooms,

knock them together so that Roy's room

is gonna have more space--

Who?

[Adam] Roy, our son.

Oh, okay.

So, there's a 50% chance it's a boy.

There's a 50% chance you're the father.

However, it's a 100% definite that whatever

the sex, whoever the father, this child

will never, ever, and I cannot stress this

strongly enough, ever be called Roy.

And it might not be your child.

It could still be my child.

How do you, no, of course it's my child.

I mean, it was the same night.

It's my guys against your guys and I was a good swimmer.

Well, that's got nothing to do with whether--

What about Bernie?

Bernie's a good name.

Oh, it's a terrible name.

Hey Bernie, you coming down to pub?

Bernie, football's on.

Bernie, my sister really fancies you.

Everyone loves Bernie.

And [mumbling] with all those old bushes and stuff,

we could put up a little goalpost then when's he bigger--

Oh no, Bernie's not having a,

oh God, you see I'm saying it now.

[Adam] Well, 'cause it's a good name.

No, it's not a good name.

Tristan's a good name.

No son of mine is ever being called Tristan.

[doorbell ringing]

Well, that's okay, 'cause it's not your son.

Of course it's my son.

I've always wanted a son.

I've got plans for the boy.

He's not your boy.

He's gonna be my boy.

I'm the father.

I'm the father.

[knocking]

[Marley] Reverend Rose.

I've just heard the wonderful news.

A December baby.

It's your chance to contribute.

To what?

Look, I'm gonna have shepherds, kings,

slave girls, music, lights and drums.

What I need, what no other vicar will have,

is a real child.

You want my baby?

I do.

I mean, it's perfect.

There was mystery surrounding the birth of our Lord,

and rumor has it there's mystery surrounding your child.

Something to do with a sailor up an alley.

No, no, it wasn't a,

there's no mystery.

[Michael] What's wrong with Tristan?

[Adam] My son will never be called Tristan.

[Michael] He's not your son.

Well, there's a bit of mystery, but--

[Adam] Bernie would never hang out with a Tristan.

It's not Bernie!

What?

No, nothing.

I mean, it's not for months.

And it would only be for a few hours.

Remember what the Israelites said to King David.

Oh, uh...

Well.

Hang on, it's on the tip of my tongue, this.

If thou can help someone, do so with joy.

And who knows?

That's it.

God willing, we might get lucky, hmm?

You may actually bear the babe on Christmas Day,

in which case, you could give birth in church,

in our Nativity stable.

I'm not giving birth in your stable.

Actually, we're thinking of having our own service,

so if she's gonna give birth in a stable,

probably be our stable.

I'm not giving birth in anyone's stable.

I don't know anything about babies,

but I do know they're not born in a stable!

[weeping]

Ah.

You okay, Marley?

Well, you heard me.

I know that babies should be born in a hospital,

but that's all I know.

That's my entire parenting knowledge.

Try not to give birth in a stable.

Mary gave birth in a stable.

Well, given the choice, Vicar, given the choice.

It's Reverend.

What?

Reverend.

Yes.

What was I thinking?

There's books to read, classes.

I don't know how to look after a baby.

We used to babysit for Mia.

You dropped her.

You won't be dropping my baby.

How can he drop your baby?

He can't even pick it up, he's dead.

You're both dead.

You can't wipe a bottom, change a nappie, push a pram.

The baby won't be able to hear you or see you.

How can you help?

I'm gonna have a baby all on my own

and I haven't got a clue how to do it.

[bells tolling]

I mean, Tristan, seriously?

What next?

Sebastian or Casper, do that and you're on

the rocky road to Peradon.

I mean, come on.

If you hadn't been Jesus, you'd have probably

gone for something like Roy or Bernie,

or well, maybe not Bernie, but Tristan?

You can't talk to God like that.

I'm just praying, here, mate.

Would you mind?

This is a private conversation between me and my God.

He's got poverty and plague to deal with.

He doesn't want to hear you bleat on about my son.

He's not your son, he's my son.

-Mine. -Mine.

-Mine. -Mine.

-Mine. -Mine.

-Mine. -Mine!

That's not praying.

That's shouting.

You're shouting at God.

I'm not shouting at God.

I'm shouting at you.

Let me apologize for Adam's lack of respect.

On a more holy subject, I'd like to ask

for a happy birth and to thank You

for bringing yet another of Your children into this world.

Yeah, that's good.

I want to add that to my prayer as well.

Want you to see--

That's my prayer!

You can't--

Now who's shouting?

Sorry.

Don't apologize to me.

Sorry for shouting.

And for making a fuss.

And for making a fuss.

And for being a dick and...

Well, worth a try.

Now, do you mind if I get back to my prayer?

[swooshing]

Marley says you've got to come home now.

She thinks the baby's coming.

Well, come on.

[swooshing]

Please make the baby be mine.

Mine.

Mine.

Mine.

[swooshing]

Okay, big day today.

Christmas Day, good morning!

Are we all ready for greatness?

[Man] Yes.

Good!

Excellent.

Here we are, right in.

Come on in.

In, let's get this show on the road!

[tense music]

I think we should call Abby.

Well, you said we'd be able to do this

on our own, your words.

If I'm gonna have a baby, we're gonna have to learn

to do things on our own.

'Course we can do it on our own.

We don't need anyone else.

We're a family.

We're a family.

Now, we all know our responsibilities.

Let's get on with it.

My baby's waiting to say hello.

It's not your baby!

-It's not yours. -It's not yours.

-Not yours. -It's not yours.

-Not yours. -Not--

Boys!

Ooh.

Sorry, frightened myself, there.

For once, could today just be about Marley, please?

[groaning]

Do you want to put your bag down?

No, 'cause I'll never be able to pick it up.

What the--

Breathe!

Breathe in.

Backwards, backwards, go backwards.

Right.

Let's get to the hospital.

Okay, now I've given this some thought

and the road still up in Matthew Avenue

is that Santa display in the square,

so the quickest way to the hospital is through the woods.

There's a road through the woods, trust me.

[engine zooming]

[engine revving]

Oh come on.

[groaning]

Next time I say trust me, it might be an idea not to.

I said we should have phoned Abby.

Not helping, Michael.

Besides, it's like Marley says.

We're gonna have to learn to do this on our own.

Well, we should call her now.

Yeah, yeah, what did I do with the phone?

Who was in charge of the phone?

Adam.

Was it you, Michael?

Vicar, was it you?

Oh!

No.

[breathing heavily]

You had one job.

Remind me to pack the phone.

Well, you were in pain and I was upset, I forgot.

[Vicar] What we gonna do?

I'll tell you what we're not gonna do.

What we're not gonna do is panic.

What are we not gonna do, Vicar?

Panic.

I think I need to panic.

Yeah, no one is gonna panic.

[Michael] The prospective father is allowed to panic.

[Vicar] Well, if he can panic, can I panic?

No one is gonna panic.

As father of the child, I am taking charge.

[Michael] I'm the father of the child.

[Adam] Do you want to take charge?

No, I'm happy with the panicking.

Right, okay.

It's simple, we just gotta look at the logic.

We got a pregnant lady who's gonna give birth.

We don't know where we are

and we don't know where we're going.

Okay, you can panic.

No one's gonna bloody panic.

Oh, I know.

We could pray to God.

[Adam] That's more of a leisure activity, Vicar.

It sometimes helps.

Well, He's not gonna show up with a compass.

[bells tolling]

What's that?

That's...

Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.

Oh, oh...

Do you think you can make it?

[Reverend Rose] This is it.

In you go.

Kingly, be kingly about it.

[bells tolling]

[Marley] Reverend!

Reverend, there's no one about.

Everything's shut.

You gotta get me to hospital.

[Reverend Rose] Ugh, but--

The baby's coming.

I'm not here to contribute to the festivities.

But, but the Chronicle's inside to review us!

Oh well, that's different.

Oh, well then yes, of course.

In that case, I'd be happy to lower my back legs

and [mumbling] squirting out a child

for the local ladies to read about!

Really?

No!

Get her to a bloody hospital!

She's giving birth!

Okay, hang on.

I'm sure someone inside can help.

[yelling]

I said hang on.

Shh.

[organ music]

Need a bit of help.

There's a child about to be--

♪ Hallelujah ♪

No, actually, really.

Well, they can't come in here.

No.

There's no room in the...

In the...

What the...

Inn.

It's inn, Mr. Pauley, God!

You've had four months, mate,

and you don't say it until the drums start.

[drums banging]

No, no, no, there's a child about to be born!

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Oh bloody hell!

[panting]

They won't listen.

What?

What?

What?

What?

Hark, I hear the sound of Joseph's footsteps.

[drums banging]

Yes, so do I, hark!

I hear them, as well.

Joseph's footsteps.

[clattering]

[groaning]

What are you doing?

Taking you to hospital, because apparently,

a stable isn't good enough for some people.

But I thought you had a car.

No, I only have a bike, so this will have to do.

Get in.

Really?

[Reverend Rose] It's our only choice,

unless you want to walk the whole way.

Oh my God.

God's sake.

Job said a wheelbarrel--

Oh, not now, Vicar.

[Reverend Rose] Lord, guide me to Thy hospital

with this poor, wretched woman!

Stop, stop.

Alright, this poor woman.

Stop, I can't take this anymore.

There must be some other way.

Well, I could run back to the church--

Don't leave me.

Stop a car, any car.

[Reverend Rose] Car.

A car.

This is all your fault.

Really?

Yeah, or yours.

What?

Oh, please stop!

[horn honking]

Please!

Oh, sir.

Please stop.

[horn honking]

Stop, there's a...

Nobody wants to stop.

Well would you stop for a strange man

with a fake beard and robes?

I see your point.

[groaning]

[mumbling]

Okay, that's not gonna improve our chances.

[groaning]

Look, why don't I run back to the church--

Don't leave me!

Just stop a car.

Alright.

Alright, but if I stop a car, then next year,

you're playing Mary and that is Jesus.

Just stop a car.

Do we have a deal?

Yeah, fine!

Anything!

Promise?

Promise!

In the name of Almighty God, stop!

[horn honking]

Stop!

[squealing]

[crashing]

[baby crying]

Hey, ooh.

[Reverend Rose] Marley, I just want to say--

Shh shh.

Are you the father?

No, I'm the man who made the car stop, eventually.

The father remains a mystery,

something to do with a sailor and a dockyard.

It was not a sailor, damn, aw.

I give up, I'm too tired.

I'm a tart.

I was done against a wall down the docks, happy?

That's okay.

Remember what our Lord said to those

who cast out loose women.

No, no, I don't know what our Lord said on loose women.

Sorry, if you're not the father...

And I don't know what St. Peter said to Abraham

or the Israelite said to David or any of it.

I just...

I can't help being rubbish.

Oh, I'm sorry, Marley.

You're gonna need me, and I'm gonna be rubbish

'cause I don't know anything.

Vicar.

It doesn't matter you don't know anything.

What matters is that you're the kindest

and most wonderful woman I've ever met.

And children need people like you

and I'm not gonna be able to bring up this baby without you.

Really?

Really.

Thank you, Marley.

Doesn't matter who her dad is,

she's never gonna know her father.

She's not gonna hear us or see us.

Whoever her father is, he'll always be there for her,

watching out for her.

Michael.

What?

I think she's watching me now.

[Michael] Doubt it.

[Adam] No, serious, look.

Just because Marley can see a ghost, doesn't mean...

Boo.

[cooing]

She just smiled at me.

No, she smiled at me.

No, she smiled at me.

[Adam] Me more.

[Micheal] Me more.

[Adam] Me more.

[Michael] Me more.

Me more.

Me more.

Me more.

Me more.

Me more.

[vocalizing music]

What have you got there?

DNA results.

Okay.

Who's the father?

I haven't opened it.

Oh, it's been a wonderful year.

One of them's gonna be devastated.

I know.

[Abby] Marley, we're gonna be late.

[Marley] Hang on a minute.

What's that?

[Marley] This is it.

Should we get on with it?

Suspense is killing me.

Shall I open it?

Yeah.

No.

I don't know, I don't know.

Michael?

I really like being a dad.

I don't wanna not be one anymore.

Adam?

Well, I mean obviously my boys are stronger

than your boys, but one of yours may have sneaked in.

You know, you're quite sneaky.

I'm not sneaky.

You were sneaking around with my wife.

Not my fault you can't hold on to a woman.

Do you want me to open this or not?

[Both] No.

We can--

Both be--

[Both] Her dad.

Marley, we are going to be late for the church.

Yes, okay.

[harmonizing choir music]

[Reverend Rose] Listen, people of Bethlehem!

She is having a baby.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Well, they can't come in here.

There's no room at the...

The...

[Reverend Rose] Inn, Mr. Pauley.

Inn.

-[baby crying] -[jingle bell music]

[uptempo theme music]