Original subtitles

♪ I'll be by your side forever, going nowhere soon ♪

♪ You and me together always, now I'm stuck on you ♪

♪ Got no plans to walk away now ♪

♪ Darling, don't you know it's true ♪

♪ Baby, you're stuck with me 'cause I am stuck on you ♪

[Old Woman] It was such a long time ago now.

When we met, he was such a beautiful man, now look at him.

Not beautiful anymore,

not even much of a man left.

[sighs]

[snorts]

[sighs]

This wasn't the man I fell in love with.

Are those your come-to-bed eyes?

Really not.

[Adam] Ah.

[Old Woman] The man I married was long gone,

and there was a stranger in my kitchen

who couldn't even see me.

[Tina] Morning, Tina.

Morning, Marley, how are you?

Yeah, I'm great.

[Old Woman] I was miserable.

Marley.

You leave me some money?

Yeah.

Don't I get a goodbye kiss?

No.

You keep looking just as long as you like,

just as long as you like.

[Old Woman] It was horrible,

so rather than condemn ourselves

to the tedium of a stale marriage,

rather than be miserable--

We decided to do something about it.

In public places?

It's very exciting making love somewhere you shouldn't.

We did it in swimming pools, taxis, libraries--

[Old Man] Cinemas.

Our favorite place is the bathroom section of IKEA.

But we always try to be discreet.

Sometimes, people are completely unaware

of what we're doing.

I see.

You're not doing it now, are you?

[Old Man] Oh.

No.

This is not just a crime, this is a very serious crime,

and I would ask the court to deal with it

in an appropriate manner.

I would like the maximum punishment the court allows

for this horrific and appalling act.

Yeah, it was a few groceries--

But they didn't belong to him!

What did you take, Mr. Devon?

Some jam, juice, cereal--

-[door clacks] -Marley.

Marley.

Sorry, darling.

Lunch went on a wee bit longer than I thought.

You need to leave, now.

That's exactly what the taxi driver said.

So I just need a wee lift home.

Your wife's working, Adam.

My wife, what a wife.

She not gorgeous?

She's gorgeous.

I love you, beautiful.

Always have done, always will do.

You think she's sexy?

[Marley] Adam, leave, please.

[Adam] Hands up if you think she's sexy.

-Jonathan! -Adam!

Mr. Wise, this really isn't the time.

Adam, please just go.

I'll have a wee seat while you finish up.

Wait for you.

-I'm so sorry, Mr.-- -[chair squeaks]

[Adam] Can't see you there.

Want to see you do your stuff.

-[sighs] -It's hot, isn't it?

[grunts]

[sighs]

I do apologize, Mr. Devon.

Would you mind telling us once more exactly what you took?

Cereal, bread, jam, juice, razors, toilet paper--

Just wanted a wee lift home.

Look, can you wait your turn?!

He doesn't have a turn!

Right, okay, where were we?

-Toilet paper! -Yeah, before that.

Before what?

What came before toilet paper?

I guess people just got a sticky bum.

[laughs]

Quiet, please! Quiet!

This is supposed to be a court of law!

[Adam sighs]

All right, Michael, chill out, dude.

[upbeat music]

And Marley said, "What came before toilet paper?"

I know, we were there.

And it just popped into my head, sticky bum.

[laughs]

Oh, I've always been naturally funny.

I've always made you laugh, haven't I, Marley?

Yeah, you're a riot.

Thanks for helping me with him.

Why do you still--

He's my husband.

You're a successful, beautiful woman, Marley.

I don't know how you ever loved a man like that.

Well, he hasn't always been a man like that.

He was...

He was rather wonderful.

Recently, he hasn't been lucky.

Hey, it's just you and me.

You love me, and I love you.

I love you, Marley.

So beer, who's got beer?

Have a sandwich.

Come on, have something to eat.

Delicious.

-Chicken, I made them. -Marley's got something

to say, haven't you, Marley?

I've got plans to get this business

back on its feet, you know?

Take it upline, whatever.

She wants to talk about something else.

Do I?

Yes, you do.

Um, well, um.

[coughing]

-Marley? -[coughing]

Marley?

[coughing]

Come on, spit it out.

I can't.

[coughing]

Marley?

-Bone. -[coughing]

That is so convenient!

No, it's really not.

-Marley! -Get help!

-[coughing] -Marley?

-Marley. -Marley?

[loud thud]

Marley?

[Adam] Marley?

Marley?

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

I don't have a bloody clue what I'm doing!

Isn't mouth-to-mouth the worst thing you can do

to someone who's choking?

What?!

[gasps]

[coughing]

[sighs]

Chicken bone.

You sure it's out?

Yeah, felt it go.

Where?

[gurgling]

[church bell tolling]

Um.

I'm remembering a story,

from the book of Luke, it might help.

There once was a foolish virgin and a goat.

Oh, hang on, was it the goat that was foolish?

Probably was, wasn't it, because they're not very bright.

Um, anyway, and she wasn't a virgin.

It wasn't the book of Luke, it was a book by Joan Collins,

which makes a lot more sense, yes.

But probably doesn't help.

So.

Tragedy.

If Adam could see all your faces gathered here,

the faces of those who loved him.

I don't think he'd feel tragedy that he was dead,

instead I think he'd feel joy.

I do, I really do.

Joy at...

I did try to save him.

[Vicar] Joy, he would.

I feel responsible.

Well, you're not responsible.

This wasn't what I wanted to happen.

Of course you didn't want it to happen.

[Vicar] Over 15 people gathered here today--

Now that it has, do you miss him?

[Marley] Hm?

[Vicar] Celebrate good times.

-Come on. -Mm.

[Vicar] That might have been Kool & The Gang,

but the sentiment is similar--

Yes.

Marley, I was thinking,

we've always planned to live together...

Sorry, bad timing.

You get the idea.

Anyway...

Before we sing Adam's,

ooh, it's always further than I think.

Before we go on to sing Adam's favorite hymn,

think his wife Marley would like to say a few words.

Me?

I can't, I'm not prepared.

People expect a eulogy, you need to say something.

Well, I wasn't planning on saying anything.

Maybe just think of it as a final chance

to say a fond, heartfelt farewell.

A cheerio, then, to the love of your life.

Beloved husband?

Just a husband?

Look, I know that Adam and I

weren't the most frequent churchgoers--

Oh. No.

[chuckles]

Only saw each other at local fetes, didn't we?

Oh, no, there was that one time we got pissed together

at your Christmas party.

Exactly, yeah, so you did know him.

-Yes. -Yes.

-What? -So you can say something

-good about him. -So I could say something

nice about him, of course, yes.

I suppose, um...

The time when he...

I've got nothing, sorry, you're on your own.

Come on, there must be something you could--

His ass!

Sorry.

But he did have a good ass, didn't he?

Wasn't very vicary of me.

Adam.

What can I say about Adam?

I could say...

Adam?

[gentle music]

Adam?

Adam?

You probably want to say a bit more than just his name.

It's Adam.

Adam.

This never happened before.

Adam?

Adam?

Adam?

Oh!

Where have you been?

I've missed you, you haven't been at home.

You're alive.

No, I'm not.

I know, but you're...

You're alive.

I'm sorry, no.

[sighs]

[sighs]

What, so you really are dead?

Very dead, yes.

What's it like?

-Death? -Does it hurt?

It's difficult to describe.

Are you in any pain?

-Can I get you anything? -It's death, Marley.

I don't think they do an ointment.

You haven't been home.

What?

No, no.

Well, I've been staying with a--

[Michael] Marley!

What's happening?

It's Adam.

Adam?

[gentle music]

He was there.

How could you not have seen him?

I talked to the vicar, she's coming over.

Apparently, this can often happen--

No, it was Adam!

Look, I told you, I'm there for you.

I understand that I'm always going to share you

with a memory of Adam!

It wasn't a memory of Adam.

Stop saying Adam!

Please!

We finally have a chance to be together, at last!

-It was Adam. -[Michael groans]

We just buried him, Marley!

Sorry, too soon?

Wow.

[yelps]

[panting]

I am trying to do this gently.

Okay.

[screams]

I'm trying not to be scary.

Adam.

You're not gonna faint, are you?

I'm talking to a dead person.

Are you gonna faint?

Uh.

No, I don't think so.

Oh, mm, maybe just a little bit.

Oh.

Yeah.

-[soft hiss] -[loud thud]

Oh.

Sorry.

Marley.

Marley.

Marley, can you hear me?

He's here.

Adam's here.

He's not here.

I'm here.

[ethereal music]

We're both here.

If he was here, would I do this?

What the?!

Get off my wife!

No, no, no, no, no, 'cause Adam's--

Not here.

I'm here.

I know this is a very difficult time for you,

but think about the future,

no more sneaking around behind Adam's back,

think of our plans, our lovemaking.

Your what-making?

[Michael] What's the matter?

Oh, I'm in trouble.

You're not in trouble.

She bloody well is!

Look, please, I'm sorry--

Who are you talking to?

I've just died, and you try to sleep with Michael?!

Of all the people you could have...

Michael? Really?!

Look, if it makes you feel any better,

I was sleeping with him before you died.

It really doesn't!

Do you think you're talking to Adam?

Yes, of course, I'm talking to Adam!

It's something we haven't done in years.

Which was my fault.

This is ridiculous.

My fault, Marley.

From top High Street retailer to broke in six months.

It's a hell of a fall.

The drinking, you looking after me,

I knew you weren't happy anymore.

I used to think it couldn't get any worse.

-Well, it couldn't. -It did.

-I died. -Oh, yeah.

You're a very beautiful woman, Marley.

Thank you, Adam.

Stop talking to him, he's not bloody there!

Michael, shh.

I was behaving badly.

If I was you, I'd have dumped me and gone off

with someone a long time...

Michael?

Really?

Oh, Michael's all right!

What do you mean, "Michael's all right"?

What's he saying?

What am I saying?

Adam's not here! Enough!

Michael.

Michael.

[door slams]

You know, there's something really different

about you, Adam.

Death has a way of changing a person.

Yeah, no, it's not that.

You're sober.

It's nice.

Suits you.

[tires screeching]

[loud crash]

Oh!

Michael!

Are you okay?

I think, I don't know, it really hurts.

[Marley] Just hang on!

Oh...

Michael said you needed me, so I rushed over.

I turned too fast, I didn't see him.

[Adam] What's happened?

It's the vicar and Michael, he must have...

Michael?

Are you all right?

Fine.

Yeah, that's what I thought at first.

You don't get it, do you?

Get what?

Give it a minute.

I feel fine.

[Marley sighs]

I can see Adam.

Here it comes.

No!

Am I dead?!

I don't feel dead.

-Do I look dead? -I'd have to say yes.

Oh...

Are you gonna faint?

No, no.

Oh, yes.

[loud thud]

[siren wailing]

Oh.

What's--

You fainted.

Just take it easy.

[Marley] Is she okay?

She's fine, just a slight head injury.

Are you okay?

Yes, thank you.

[radio chattering]

Don't smile at him, Marley.

-I wasn't smiling at him. -You were, I saw you!

Don't tell my wife what she can and can't do.

Thank you, Adam.

I'm the husband, I'll do that.

Marley, you shouldn't be--

You may be the husband, but she loves me.

If she loves you, why was she smiling at him?

I wasn't smiling at him.

We'll talk about this later when we get home.

What do you mean when we get home?

You're not coming home with me.

You mean he's not coming home with us.

Neither of you are coming home with me.

I'm not gonna live with dead people.

[Michael] Why not?!

Because you're dead!

What's that got to do with it?!

You died!

We can still have an emotional connection.

How?! You're dead!

You make it sound so final!

Look, obviously, circumstances have changed,

but my feelings haven't.

It's always been you, Marley.

You're the only one I've ever wanted to be with.

[sighs]

I love ya, Marley.

-Please don't ask me to go. -[tapping]

-[sighs] -[soft hiss]

[chuckles]

Shut up!

[tapping]

And at the hospital, they said the vicar was okay

and you were okay, but Mr. Walton, he...

It's so sad.

Nobody was supposed to know, but I,

I'm so sorry, Marley, I have to talk to someone.

Nobody was ever supposed to know what?

Michael and I, we were...

Oh, she was a fling!

It was just physical, doesn't mean I don't love you.

"It's always been you, Marley.

"You're the only one I've ever wanted to be with.

"I love ya, Marley."

-Not helping. -I know!

We were in a relationship and you took her to bed.

Only when you weren't in it!

I had a husband to go home to.

Yeah, but you can't blame him.

Alice, I mean, you're a lucky man, Michael.

Excuse me, I am still here.

And this doesn't make it any better, Michael.

Hang on, what about you?!

Were you still sleeping with Adam when we were together?

Of course!

You said you hadn't slept with Adam for years!

Well, you know, occasionally I may have--

Oh, so you were sleeping with Adam!

Yes, whilst you were sleeping with Alice.

Betrayal is a terrible thing, it's shameful.

Shameful.

Disgusting.

Dis, oh, you're talking about me, aren't you?

Right, the two of you, out!

I've nowhere else to go!

We'll see about that.

[both sigh]

[chuckles]

Let me get this right.

You think you can see the dead?

Yeah, not all of them, just two of them,

two really annoying ones.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to get rid of them.

Oh, no.

Well, I'm not sure if I--

But you're a vicar, you understand these things.

Isn't there some sort of biblical chant you can use?

Confront them with a prayer?

Right.

Well, what sort of prayer would that--

Oh, I don't know.

Uh, "Begone, foul devils of the damned"?

[chuckles]

Not saying that.

Well, just tell them to bugger off,

you know, in your vicary way.

And they're both at your house now, are they?

Yes, yes, they are.

Quite comfy your house, isn't it?

-What? -Your house,

got that great big widescreen television.

What's that got to do with anything?

I'm sorry, we need to take her down to the morgue now.

The what?

[gasps]

I died, about an hour ago.

But it was just a bump.

Sorry, there was complications.

You've got really soft furnishings as well, haven't you?

What?

No.

-[loud thud] -Oh!

Oh!

-You all right? -You're not gonna

-live with us. -Well, I've nowhere

else to go.

What? No.

I can't take it!

You can't take it?

I'm the one that's dead here.

I've spent my whole life telling people that when you die,

you get swept up to heaven,

and now it's happened and I'm just here.

Just here with you.

Well, what do you suggest we do?

-Put in a complaint? -Can you do that?

Is there a suggestion box?

No, there is not

-a suggestion box. -'Cause normally, when you

arrive somewhere there is.

There's just a box there for suggestions.

Got one at the church.

This is terrible.

Yes, well, it would be, it's death.

Right.

I'll see you at home, then.

No, no, no, no, Vicar, just--

-[soft hiss] -[screaming]

Mr. and Mrs. Nathan?

Oh.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh, my god.

[television chattering]

Marley.

You're just in the way there.

Which part of, begone, foul devils of the damned,

didn't you understand?

I've always wanted a purple sofa.

Oh, really?

Don't snap at the vicar, she's our guest.

She's not a guest, she's a ghost,

and I don't want to live with ghosts.

Well, I'm not going anywhere.

He stays, I stay.

-[tapping] -I do really like it here.

Yeah, but I don't want you here, any of you.

[tapping]

[door clacks]

Oh, can I help you, Tina?

I just thought I'd pop over and see if I could help you

with anything at this difficult time.

Oh, difficult time, yeah.

I made you a quiche.

Oh.

Thank you, Tina, that's really sweet,

but I don't think there is anything you can do,

anyone can do.

Must be so hard, losing not only your husband

but a colleague within a week of each other.

Don't forget the vicar.

It's tragic, but you know,

times like these, I think it's important

to remember that they're up there now,

looking down on you, wishing you well.

No, they're not.

Sorry?

No, they're not, Tina.

They're not up there, looking down on me,

wishing me well, no, they're not.

You're in a lot of pain.

Mm!

You've got no idea!

Do you mind if I have a bit of that wine?

Glasses are in the kitchen.

[Tina] I'll bring another bottle.

Oh, you really don't want us here, do you?

No!

Then, just tell us to go.

Yeah, I've been trying.

If you don't want us here, tell yourself to tell us to go.

What?

We're in your head, Marley.

Figments of your strained imagination.

You're not really here?

Of course we're not here, we're in there.

Bereavement can do terrible things to the mind.

Guilt can do terrible things to the mind.

You see, I thought, because I felt responsible for...

And because there was nowhere ready to take you,

that that was why I could see you, that was why I can--

Close your eyes, Marley.

Forget the guilt.

Remember how crazy it is to think

that you can actually see and converse with the dead.

[Michael] Forget our faces.

[Vicar] Our voices.

Forget the guilt, Marley.

[Vicar] Bye-bye, Marley.

[Michael] Bye-bye, Marley.

[Adam] Goodbye, Marley.

Bye-bye.

Adam?

Michael? Vicar?

Hello?

[sighs]

That's brilliant.

Anyone?

Are you all right, Marley?

I don't know, but I think so, yeah.

[sighs]

Let's have that drink.

Well, here's to future.

Oh, yeah, to the future.

[All] To the future!

-[loud crash] -[Michael laughs]

That was brilliant.

Oh, you should see your face!

I knew it, I knew it was gonna be really good fun here.

[Adam laughs]

[loud crash]

[upbeat music]