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00:00:03:
00:00:16:
00:00:44:[ Popping Sound ]
00:00:55:Fore !
00:01:02:Here they come !
00:01:05:- I don't hear nothin'.|- Wait for it.
00:01:08:[ Rotors Whirring ]
00:01:19:[ Man On P.A.]|Attention, all personnel.
00:01:21:Report immediately to admitting|ward and operating room.
00:01:24:Attention, all personnel.
00:01:26:Report immediately to admitting|ward and operating room.
00:02:07:This guy's got a rapid pulse !|He's in shock !
00:02:10:Get him down to O.R.|and give him first aid ! Let's go !
00:02:50:[ Man's Voice ]|Dear Dad. Hawkeye here.
00:02:53:You said I sounded a bit callous|about my job in my last letter.
00:02:57:Well, let me see if|I can put it another way.
00:03:00:At this particular|mobile army hospital,
00:03:02:we're not concerned with the ultimate|reconstruction of the patient.
00:03:05:We only care about getting|the kid out of here alive enough...
00:03:08:for someone else|to put on the fine touches.
00:03:10:We work fast|and we're not dainty,
00:03:13:because a lot of these kids|who can stand two hours on the table...
00:03:15:just can't stand|one second more.
00:03:18:We try to play par surgery|on this course.
00:03:21:Par is a live patient.
00:03:23:- Clamp.|- Clamp.
00:03:27:I'll debride the wound, then|we'll go in after the spleen, okay ?
00:03:30:Dish, clean that up for us, will you ?|Put some suction on that.
00:03:32:- Give me a clamp.|- Clamp.
00:03:35:Wanna play a little ""doctor""|after we're finished ?
00:03:39:- Hurry. I think we're losing him.|- Scissors.
00:03:41:Hey, Red, give us a little|cross action here.
00:03:44:Put in a fix, will ya ?
00:03:46:- Everything under control ?|- Uh, yeah, fine.
00:03:49:But if you don't move, I'm gonna|have to cut around your "" B"" cups.
00:03:52:I don't want a Kelly clamp,|Lieutenant !
00:03:54:- But that's what you asked for.|- Give me what I want,|not what I asked for !
00:03:58:Hey, Ginger,|put a clamp on his mouth.
00:04:00:You can show us all|your diploma later, Frank.
00:04:02:- That's enough, Captain.|- Oh, clever.
00:04:06:I can see well enough.|Now give me a sponge.
00:04:09:- I can't see a thing in here.|- Give me the retractor.
00:04:11:- Let me have a clamp.|- Which retractor?
00:04:13:- The biggest one you got.|- Get your seams straight.|Give me a clamp.
00:04:16:- Pierce!|- Hi.
00:04:19:Pierce, hold on !
00:04:21:Oh, lay off, Frank.|I just had a hard day at the office.
00:04:24:Your conduct in there was not|only unbecoming of an officer,
00:04:27:it was equally reprehensible|as a medical man !
00:04:30:Frank, I happen|to be an officer...
00:04:32:only because I foolishly opened|an invitation from President Truman...
00:04:35:to come to this|costume party.
00:04:37:And as for my ability|as a doctor,
00:04:39:if you seriously question that,|I'm afraid I'll just have to|challenge you to a duel.
00:04:43:Swords or pistols ?
00:04:45:I was thinking of|specimen bottles at 20 paces.
00:04:48:There are ladies present.
00:04:52:- Oh, sorry, baby.|- Major to you.
00:04:54:Oh, sorry, major baby.
00:04:56:You're both a disgrace|to this outfit.
00:04:59:Aw, come on, Frank !
00:05:01:We've all had 1 2 straight hours|of meatball surgery in there !
00:05:04:My brain is sending me|urgent rest telegrams.
00:05:07:You must be tired, too, after|all that malpractice you put in.
00:05:10:- You're dismissed !|- Thanks, Mother.
00:05:13:We gotta get up early anyway and fix|MacArthur's hernia. Come on, Mary.
00:05:19:Some nurse this guy had.
00:05:21:- Oh, yeah. Was that the one with the--|- Yeah, right.
00:05:23:The one I was|tellin' you about. Hi, Ho-Jon.
00:05:25:She came to me once|with a sore throat.
00:05:28:She didn't mind|my examining her tonsils,
00:05:30:but she didn't understand why|she had to take off her clothes.
00:05:32:- That's a woman all over.|- Best place for 'em to be.
00:05:35:Here.
00:05:36:Night, guys.|I've left a call for 1 967.
00:05:44:Oh, yeah.|Thanks, Ho-Jon.
00:05:46:All right. Thanks.
00:05:53:- Ah. Finest kind.|-Just like Mother used to make.
00:05:56:You know,|we gotta do it someday.
00:06:00:Throw away all the guns,
00:06:02:and invite all the jokers from|the north and the south in here|to a cocktail party.
00:06:07:Last man standing on his feet|at the end wins the war.
00:06:10:You guys got mail.
00:06:12:That's Hawkeye. Trapper.
00:06:16:I don't feel like mail.
00:06:19:Go ahead, open it.|They can't draft you again.
00:06:27:Bad news from my wife.
00:06:29:She still loves me.|Would you believe this ?
00:06:33:She still thinks I got sent|to Korea as part of some|secret plot to cheat on her.
00:06:37:- Well, didn't you ?|- Yeah, but how did she figure it out ?
00:06:42:Hey, Ho-Jon !|Come here.
00:06:46:Sit down. I got a letter|from Dean Lodge.
00:06:49:- Is that a good place to stay ?|- Ha-ha.
00:06:52:He's the head of my alma mater.|Listen to this.
00:06:55:""Dear Hawkeye,|as dean of the college,
00:06:58:I naturally remember|you very well.""
00:07:01:After my first autopsy,|I mailed him a nervous system.
00:07:05:""Your request to enter|the Korean boy, Ho-Jon,
00:07:07:""seems one of your|nobler gestures,
00:07:10:""and since his academic record|meets our requirements,
00:07:13:""we will be pleased|to accept him this fall,
00:07:15:"provided you can|get him here...
00:07:16:""and also send me $1 ,000|tuition before the 1 5th.
00:07:20:""It was good hearing from you.
00:07:22:""If you do to the army what you did|to this college, America is finished.
00:07:25:Yours sincerely--""|Etcetera, etcetera.
00:07:27:- Hot dog !|- Hey, that's terrific.
00:07:30:How can I ever thank you ?
00:07:32:You just go back there and become|the best possible you you can.
00:07:35:- I go tell my folks.|- Okay.
00:07:41:[ Sighs ]
00:07:43:Where are we gonna get|a thousand dollars ?
00:07:46:It's more like 2,000, you know,|with transportation|and clothing and everything.
00:07:50:He can stay with my parents,|so there's no problem there.
00:07:54:[ Muttering ]
00:07:57:Maybe we could sell Spearchucker|while he's asleep.
00:08:01:There must be something|we can sell.
00:08:07:What does everybody|want here ? What--
00:08:09:What do all these people|want more than anything else ?
00:08:12:To go home or, uh, Tokyo,|whichever comes first.
00:08:17:- What do they really want ?|- Sex.
00:08:20:- Ahh.|- 'Cept for those baseball perverts.
00:08:23:All right, we'll have Radar print|up some tickets, and you make up a sign.
00:08:26:Mind tellin' me what we're gonna|put on the sign ?
00:08:31:""All you can drink,|ten bucks a head.
00:08:33:""Giant door prize: weekend pass|for two in Tokyo.
00:08:38:"" Lucky winner|to share the company...
00:08:41:of a gorgeous nurse.""
00:08:46:You wanna raffle off|a nurse ?
00:08:49:Is that what I said ?
00:08:51:Yes, sir?
00:08:53:Radar ! Radar, don't do that.
00:08:55:Yes, sir.|You wanted to see me, sir ?
00:08:57:Yes, but let me say I want to|see you before I see you.
00:09:00:Yes, sir. You wanted to|see these, sir ?
00:09:03:- How did you know that ?|- That's why you called me.
00:09:06:Oh, yeah.
00:09:10:- You wanted me to take those, sir.|- Yeah.
00:09:13:Captains Pierce and McIntyre|to see you, sir.
00:09:16:Show them in. Men.
00:09:20:- How are ya, Henry ?|- How are ya, Henry ?
00:09:24:That's not what|you guys came to ask.
00:09:27:I mean, the last thing|you wanna know when you say,|"" How are you ?"" is how am I.
00:09:30:All right, Henry, let's skip the gristle|and get right down to the bone.
00:09:36:Now, what we want from you|is two weekend passes|so we can raise this tuition.
00:09:40:See, what we wanna do|is raffle them off,
00:09:43:along with the company|of one of our nurses...
00:09:45:whose heart and everything else|is in the right place.
00:09:49:Seems like|a good enough cause.
00:09:51:Why don't I trust you guys ?
00:09:53:- 'Cause we're not trustworthy.|- Yeah.
00:09:56:Yeah, maybe that's it.
00:09:58:How do I know|you're on the level ?
00:10:00:Which nurse have you|conned into doing this ?
00:10:02:Well, I haven't|approached her yet,
00:10:05:but there could be|only one choice.
00:10:07:A girl with a face|that doesn't quit.
00:10:10:A girl with so much body, she should|be continued on the next girl.
00:10:13:-[ Henry ] Lieutenant Dish.|-[ Hawkeye ] Lieutenant Dish.
00:10:15:-[ Henry ] Lieutenant Dish|will never agree to this.|-[ Hawkeye ] Oh, but she will.
00:10:18:Because inaccessible as she is|to everybody else in this cruddy outfit,
00:10:21:she's putty|in the hands of the master.
00:10:24:Hawkeye, that makes me crazy.
00:10:29:My lips were made|by Stradivarius.
00:10:31:[ Hawkeye ]|Dish, I have to ask you a favor.
00:10:33:[ Dish ] How many times|must I tell you ? I'm engaged!
00:10:36:[ Hawkeye ] I'm engaged too.|Think of me as a dress rehearsal.
00:10:41:[ Dish ]|Always sneaking up on me!
00:10:43:-[ Hawkeye ] Who sneaks up on you ?|- Psst.
00:10:45:[ Dish ]|You really thrive on rejection.
00:10:51:Hawkeye, I'm trying|to be faithful.
00:11:01:A girl can only take so much.
00:11:03:[ Hawkeye ]|Are we anywhere near that point yet ?
00:11:06:You said you wanted a favor.
00:11:10:Yeah, I'll tell you|after I finish my lunch.
00:11:17:Sickening.
00:11:19:Animals.
00:11:21:Here's $1 0|for Radar's ticket.
00:11:25:Ten dollars for|the Painless Pole.
00:11:27:And $1 0 for|the winning ticket.
00:11:30:You walk off with this raffle,|we're gonna be able to sell|tickets to your lynching.
00:11:34:Don't worry about it.|How are we doin' ?
00:11:37:Oh, around 600.
00:11:40:We're a little short,|you know.
00:11:42:Oh, well, we haven't given|everybody a chance to contribute.
00:11:46:- What are you doin' to Frank's gear ?|- Selling nickel-nose a ticket.
00:11:50:I know he wouldn't mind|if he were alive today.
00:11:53:What are you doin' there ?
00:11:55:I just wanted to borrow|your Bible, Frank.
00:11:57:Since when are you|interested in the Bible ?
00:12:00:I peeked at the end, Frank.|The devil did it.
00:12:03:Shut up !|You get off of there.
00:12:05:Don't get physical, Frank.|You'll blow your sainthood.
00:12:07:I've had just about as much|as I can stand from you two,
00:12:09:between your snide remarks|and your corruption of Ho-Jon...
00:12:12:and your-your-your turning|this place into a brothel !
00:12:16:- Hey, whoa !|- Wait a minute !
00:12:20:And a distillery !
00:12:24:Frank, I'm tellin' ya.|You drop that gin mill and your|head's gonna go in the shop.
00:12:39:Oh. Um, listen, guys.|I didn't know it was gonna break.
00:12:43:- Oh, that's okay.|- It's all right, Frank.|Don't worry about it.
00:12:46:Don't give it|another thought.
00:12:48:[ Shouting ]
00:12:51:- [ Shouting ]|- I thought he'd never leave.
00:12:56:Henry, you have no idea|what it's like...
00:12:58:to share a tent with a guy who|thinks he's all 1 2 disciples.
00:13:01:Be that as it may, if I don't do|something about this,
00:13:04:Frank'll report it to Hammond,|and he'll put my butt in traction !
00:13:07:And get your feet off my desk !|So I'm withdrawing the weekend passes.
00:13:11:You can forget about the party|and raffle business tomorrow night.
00:13:14:Henry, that's pretty|regular army of you, isn't it ?
00:13:16:It's just as well.
00:13:18:I have to go down and see Hammond|in Seoul for a few days,
00:13:20:and I wasn't any too happy about|the party taking place in my absence.
00:13:26:
00:13:30:[ Rotors Whirring ]
00:13:37:
00:13:42:What's this ?
00:13:44:It's the weekend passes|for the raffle.
00:13:47:When did he sign these ?
00:13:49:When he thought he was ordering|a ton of ice cream.
00:13:51:Fudge ripple.
00:13:53:
00:13:57:
00:14:03:[ Man On P.A.]|Attention, all personnel.
00:14:05:Both day and night shifts...
00:14:07:will be confined to duty in the|admitting ward tomorrow night.
00:14:10:All other activities|are cancelled.
00:14:13:There will be no exceptions.
00:14:15:By order of the acting|commanding offiicer, Major Frank Burns.
00:14:20:
00:14:26:- Captain, put that down !|-
00:14:34:What do you say, buddy ?
00:14:37:Morning, Frank.
00:14:40:- Morning.|- Hey, Frank, I'm glad you got here.
00:14:42:You wanna hear|something really wild ?
00:14:45:Come here.
00:15:04:[ Gasps ]
00:15:08:[ Hawkeye ] What's the matter, Frank ?|Frank's a little groggy.
00:15:11:[ Trapper ]|Yes. He needs a little rest.
00:15:14:[ Hawkeye ]|He's been so tense.
00:15:16:Sometimes rest is the best medicine.|There you go, Frank.
00:15:21:
00:15:26:- [ Mutters ]|- [ Hawkeye ] What's that, Frank ?
00:15:29:- [ Mutters Again ]|- Okay, Frank.
00:15:32:Now let's see that this patient gets|all the rest he so badly needs.
00:15:36:I say he should be sedated|every hour on the hour.
00:15:40:- [ Mutters ]|-
00:15:43:
00:15:46:
00:15:51:[ Chattering ]
00:16:02:Oh, you look good.|Hiya, Ho-Jon.
00:16:05:Hi.
00:16:08:Thank you.
00:16:12:You still haven't told me|how I get out of...
00:16:14:going away with the winner.
00:16:16:And why do I get the funny|feeling it's gonna be you ?
00:16:19:You don't trust me.
00:16:21:Not since the first time|I found you hiding in my sleeping bag.
00:16:28:May I have this shuffle ?
00:16:30:
00:16:38:- Excuse me !|- Oh !
00:16:41:Excuse me ! Father.
00:16:44:Captain Pierce !
00:16:47:Oh, I'm sorry, honey.|My dance card's all full.
00:16:50:- Where is he ?|- Who ?
00:16:52:You know very well who.|Major Burns !
00:16:55:He's been missing for hours!
00:16:57:- Oh, I thought you'd heard.|- Heard what ?
00:17:00:Frank's gone over|to the enemy.
00:17:03:They offered him $1 00 more a week|and a royalty on bedpans.
00:17:07:When I find him,|you'll be under arrest !
00:17:09:It doesn't bother me.
00:17:11:My spies tell me three|companies of Canadians...
00:17:14:attacked Hill 5 5|about an hour ago.
00:17:16:By midnight, this place'll|be flooded with casualties.
00:17:20:Personally, I don't plan|to work if I'm busted.
00:17:22:Well, you tell that|to Major Burns.
00:17:24:Look, Hot Lips--
00:17:30:Why don't you stop worrying|about Elmer Gantry ?
00:17:33:Grab yourself a partner and|give him a dancing physical.
00:17:39:Excuse me !
00:17:41:- Excuse me!|- You will live dangerously.
00:17:44:What could she do to us ?
00:17:46:General Hammond, please.|Tell him it's Major Houlihan.
00:17:49:[ Margaret ]|Major Margaret Houlihan...
00:17:52:from Fort Benning.
00:17:54:Major Houlihan ?
00:18:04:[ Crashing ]
00:18:09:Excuse me. Don't get up.
00:18:11:Yes, sir.
00:18:15:[ Party Guests Chattering ]
00:18:17:Frank ?
00:18:21:
00:18:27:Frank ?
00:18:30:
00:18:46:Okay, okay.|Calm down, everybody.
00:18:49:First of all I want to announce that,|because of your generosity and thirst,
00:18:54:we raised over|1 ,800 bucks tonight !
00:19:00:And that means that Ho-Jon's college|career is off to a flying start !
00:19:05:Go, team ! Fight, team !|Yea, team !
00:19:09:Put that man in traction.
00:19:12:The next thing I wanted to tell you|is to get out your raffle tickets,
00:19:15:because this is when|the whole thing hits the fan.
00:19:29:Frank !
00:19:36:[ Rotors Whirring ]
00:19:50:And now, the incomparable|Lieutenant Dish.
00:19:55:[ Cheering ]
00:19:57:Star of stage, screen|and radiology,
00:19:59:will dip her sensuous claw into the bowl|and pick the lucky winner.
00:20:12:Here it is,|ladies and germs,
00:20:14:the name of the fortunate man|who will spend a glorious|weekend for two in Tokyo...
00:20:18:with the completely edible|Lieutenant Dish.
00:20:20:And the winner is...
00:20:23:FatherJohn P. Mulcahy !
00:20:29:Ten-hut !
00:20:33:It--
00:20:35:Do I understand that|the priest of this outfit...
00:20:38:has just won a weekend|with a nurse in Tokyo ?
00:20:42:- It's a prayer come true.|- Who are you ?
00:20:45:Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce.|Who are you, Sarge ?
00:20:48:What do you think|this star means ?
00:20:52:You're Tinkerbell ?
00:20:54:This is Brigadier|General Hammond,
00:20:57:Chief Medical Offiicer|of the Seoul Sector!
00:21:00:Oh, hi.
00:21:02:Which one here's McIntyre ?
00:21:04:Yo !
00:21:06:You and Pierce|are both under arrest.
00:21:09:I'd like to get|a second opinion on that.
00:21:12:[ Muttering ]
00:21:15:What's the charge, General ?
00:21:17:Breaking orders|by having this party.
00:21:20:- And handing out unauthorized passes !|- [ Groans ]
00:21:25:- [ Muttering ]|- The mummy strikes !
00:21:28:Major Burns, sir--
00:21:31:- Hamilton.|- Hot Lips.
00:21:33:- Hot Lips ?|- Hot Lips ?
00:21:37:Those two ! They're ruining|this war for all of us !
00:21:42:Get your M.P.'s, Henry.|On the double !
00:21:46:Come on, Henry.
00:21:48:You two are going to be|court-martialed.
00:21:51:- In Tokyo ?|- San Francisco ?
00:21:53:Right here is where|you'll be tried,
00:21:55:and right here is where|you'll serve your time.
00:21:57:Now get moving.|You're under arrest.
00:21:59:- I'm afraid we can't do that, General.|- No.
00:22:01:It's a good idea, though.|I'd do the same thing in his place.
00:22:04:- You can't do what ?|- Listen !
00:22:06:- What ?|- Wait for it.
00:22:08:Those helicopters you're about to hear|are gonna be filled with Canadians...
00:22:11:who went to|a different party tonight.
00:22:13:-[ Rotors Whirring ]|- Without us, a lot of those|kids are not getting home.
00:22:17:[ Man On P.A.]|Attention, all personnel.
00:22:19:Report immediately to admitting|ward and operating room.
00:22:21:General, look. Hey, you can|put us in the clink after.
00:22:25:But right now we got a job to do and|we're a little shorthanded around here,
00:22:29:and we can use|all the help we can get.
00:22:31:By the way,|how are your hands ?
00:22:34:- Steady ?|- No.
00:22:36:Dirty nails. Come on.|Let's get ready, men.
00:22:40:I got it.|There it is. I see it.
00:22:43:Okay, let me have|the suture.
00:22:46:Suture. Come on.|Let's go. Good girl.
00:22:49:- Suture. Sponge.|- Okay, we got it.
00:22:52:[ Sighs ]
00:22:54:Well, I haven't put in|a stretch like that for years, Henry.
00:22:58:Makes you remember what|you're all about, doesn't it ? Radar !
00:23:01:- Yes, sir !|- Damn it, Radar ! How many times--
00:23:03:Yes, sir. I've alerted the General's|pilot. He's ready to take off.
00:23:07:Now, I want you to alert|the General's pilot to be|ready to take off at any time.
00:23:10:- And that's an order.|- Henry.
00:23:12:Those two maniacs are|the best surgeons I've ever seen.
00:23:16:Made me feel like|a horse doctor in there.
00:23:19:Now make sure you don't|lose 'em, not even to me.
00:23:23:Yes, sir. You're not leaving now,|are you, sir ?
00:23:26:I've got to get back|to the base, Henry.
00:23:28:- Oh, I was hoping to give you|a box of your favorite--|- Cigars.
00:23:31:- Cigars.|- Oh.
00:23:33:Thank you, Henry.
00:23:35:Don't forget what I said.
00:23:38:Hey, where's he goin' ?|We're all set.
00:23:41:Forget it.
00:23:43:He was too impressed|to have you arrested.
00:23:47:We did it again--|screwed up in reverse.
00:23:50:I keep telling you, we gotta|give up this preoccupation|with keeping people alive,
00:23:53:or we'll never|get outta here.
00:23:55:- It's no use. We're doomed.|- Maybe we should start using|rusty instruments.
00:23:59:- Stop washing our hands.|- Raise our prices.
00:24:02:Hey. Hi, there.
00:24:05:I couldn't help noticing you in the|operating room. Great the way you did--
00:24:09:What do you mean,|it's too early in the morning ?
00:24:11:Hey, I liked your work with|the sponge this morning. Terrific.
00:24:14:[ Woman ]|
00:24:23:[ Man ]|Attention ! Attention !
00:24:25:The following personnel|are assigned to the 4077 th|Mobile Army Surgical Hospital.
00:24:31:Alan Alda.
00:24:34:Wayne Rogers.
00:24:37:McLean Stevenson.
00:24:39:Loretta Swit.
00:24:41:G. Wood.
00:24:43:Larry Linville.
00:24:45:Gary Burghoff.
00:24:47:Karen Philipp.
00:24:49:George Morgan.
00:24:51:Patrick Adiarte.
00:24:53:Timothy Brown.
00:24:55:Odessa Cleveland.
19971
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