Original subtitles

[MUSIC - THEME SONG]

Another Sunday morning, hey look where I am.

Waking up with you like it's my religion.

I don't truly trust you, but you run a good scam.

And I'm walking into danger like a New York pigeon.

You never know from looking my true IQ,

but a girl can't think under these conditions.

No, it's not exactly what I had in mind when I rubbed the lamp

and made the wishes.

I bet you got eyes in the back of your head the better--

[CELL PHONE DINGS]

--to watch while I'm misled.

You're the big, bad wolf, I'm the girl in red.

(ON PHONE) MacKenzie Barker, hi.

My name is Todd Sharpe.

I'm calling from the Halston Edwards Fellowship Committee.

We just wanted to inform you that you have been selected

as one of the 10 finalists for the writing fellowship

and grant.

I will be emailing you an information packet later today

as well as some event dates.

But we are looking forward to getting to know you.

Congratulations, Miss Barker, this

is quite the accomplishment.

Holy shit.

[PHONE RINGING]

(ON PHONE) Hello.

Hey, mom.

It's me.

I just wanted to call--

you know what?

I'm going to call you back.

Hi, how are you?

Oh, I need some good pants.

Oh good.

Yeah, I'll be right with you, OK?

Mmm-hmm.

Excuse me.

What color is this?

Navy.

It's navy?

Uh-huh.

I think I got this top on sale at Barneys.

You know, they have this one sale at Barney's.

Oh, OK.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hey.

(ON PHONE) What's the name of the guy from The Matrix?

Hey, where are you?

Hurry.

Keanu Reeves, I don't know.

Yes.

I think he's in front of me at the juice bar.

Cassie, hurry up.

The color blind lady's here and I just can't deal right--

Oh, I think I'm going to be late.

No, you are late, hurry.

Hi, can I try this on?

Yes, absolutely.

What color is this?

Burgundy.

Just right in here.

Are you sure?

Let me know if you need any help.

I'd say more of a Chianti.

Oh, OK.

So did you go to college?

Me?

Yes.

Yeah, definitely Chianti.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Mom's been giving all of the aloe water to the cat.

So I had to go the Juice G. And then Keanu what's-his-face was

there.

And he was all like, stop taking my picture, stop calling me

Keanu.

OK, well that's not Keanu Reeves.

Can you just help her, please?

Because I just don't have it in me.

Oh my god, definitely.

Did you find out about that writey thing?

Oh, I actually found out--

Hon, I am so sorry.

But you're going to be great next year.

And when you get a chance, will you look at my vagina?

OK.

Everybody's being a little judgey today.

Have you guys got this in blue?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

And these kids are never going to get out of debt.

Oh, totally.

I mean, my parents were on a scholarship fund.

But sometimes I wonder, are we actually helping poor kids?

Or are we just teaching them to be lazy?

These people, they think everybody's

got to go to college, everybody's

got to get a degree.

Then they take out a second mortgage

so their kid can learn how to be an actor or a writer.

Ha, it's so irresponsible.

Oh, that's what MacKenzie did.

Right, Mack?

She's a writer.

And she's an [INAUDIBLE].

Oh, you're a writer?

Would I know any of your work?

Probably not.

But actually I just found out--

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh, just a sec.

Hello, Steven.

(WHISPERING) It's my husband.

Yeah?

Yeah?

OK, I'm on my way.

OK.

Bye, Suzanne.

My god, Suzanne is the best.

What is going on?

I don't know.

Will you look at it?

No I won't.

It really hurts.

It's like I cut myself down there.

But then dipped it in lemon juice.

And it smells like broccoli.

And I bought one of those yeast tests

but I just don't want to take it.

What?

When?

Go take it.

What if I need help?

Why would you need help?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

OK, do not perform the test if it

is less than 48 hours after sexual intercourse

or vaginal douching--

Wait, what?

Did you have sexual intercourse in the last 48 hours?

The douching.

I douched.

When?

I don't know.

After coffee?

Would you wash your hands?

Yes.

OK, make sure that the swab tip does not

contact anything before insertion

into the vaginal entrance.

The what?

Separate the vaginal outer skin layers

so the vagina is exposed.

Stop saying vagina.

Insert the swab until your fingers reach the outer skin

of the vagina, approximately--

Stop saying vagina!

--2 inches into the mid-vagina and rotate

the swab several times.

[PHONE BUZZING]

Did she say mid-vagina?

(ON PHONE) Miss Barker?

Shit, shit.

Hello?

Mid?

(ON PHONE) Yes, uh, Miss Barker?

Yes, hi.

Did you say mid or did you say thick?

(ON PHONE) Hi.

Yes, this is Todd Sharpe with the Playwright's fellowship.

I just needed to verify your email.

Did you say mid or did you say thick?

(ON PHONE) The one we have isn't going through.

OK, thank you so much, Mr. Sharpe.

I'm in thick, I'm in real thick!

Is everything all right?

It's fine.

Mayday!

Mayday!

The platoon is all in and it's been fully absorbed!

If you could just sign here.

Yep.

Is that the UPS guy?

Yep.

Hey, Marco!

Is she OK?

She's fine.

Fine!

OK, well have a good one.

You, too.

You, too!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You all right?

Where's the test?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[PHONE DINGS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hey.

(ON PHONE) Hi, dear.

I need to talk to you about your grandma.

What's wrong?

(ON PHONE) Well, they don't know what's wrong.

But she's been admitted to the hospital.

OK, when?

(ON PHONE) This afternoon.

Mr. Bennett found her unconscious on her back porch.

They aren't sure if it was a heart attack or stroke.

I just thought you'd want to know.

Shit, OK.

(ON PHONE) So why did you call earlier?

Did you need something?

No, no, it was stupid.

It's nothing.

(ON PHONE) OK, dear.

All right.

Let me know how grandma's doing, I guess, OK?

(ON PHONE) OK, dear.

Love you.

All right, love you, too.

All right, I'll talk to you soon.

Bye.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I found it!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(SINGING) Before it gets better, it might get worse.

So hold on to what you love.

How you doing there, champ?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(SINGING) I spent all my money and rent.

I don't have much left for self-improvement.

So I buried my head in my mother's arms

and cried and cried that night.

And I said please tell me what is wrong and right.

Or am I wasting all my time?

She said, ooh, my child now you listen close.

And you will hear the rhythms of the universe.

Before it gets better, it might get worse.