Original subtitles

(WATER BUBBLING)

One, two, three, four Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, 11, 12 Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail School's out, ring the bell!

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

One, two, three, four Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, 11, 12 Got a secret I can’t tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail School's out, ring the bell!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(INHALING) Oh. It's Friday night.

You know, Attila, it's been a long week.

What do you say we get a little crazy

and, I don't know, surf the interwet for some videos?

-(MEOWS) -MS. LIPS: Well, I think we've earned it,

-don't you? -(MEOWS)

Oh, there you go, up on the lap. Now, let's see what we can see.

-(KEYBOARD CLACKING) -Oh.

There's so many choices.

You know what, Attila, why don't you pick?

-(ATTILA MEOWING, PURRING) -MS. LIPS: Oh, good! What is this one?

NARRATOR: This summer...

one hamster will fight to free the universe...

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

...from the most powerful enemy in the universe.

So, are we gonna fight? Or are you chicken?

(CLUCKING)

-(ALL YELLING) -(LASERS SHOOTING)

NARRATOR: Pamela Hamster is...

Hamsterella, Random Rise of the Space Chickens.

See it in 3D this Friday in select Hamster theaters everywhere.

Oh, my gosh! Hamsters in space!

Oh, click another one, Attila, I'm having fun!

-(MEOWS) -(CLICKS)

I had a lot of thoughts today.

-Oh, I hate thoughts. Attila, click! -(CLICKS)

So, today I'm gonna go buy some shampoo

and have Finberley follow me around Grocery Trout

-with a video camera. -Um, Shellsea,

-why do I have to film you? -I'm gonna make a reality show, Finberley!

-Oh. -I told you, I'm gonna be famous.

Come on, follow me.

FINBERLEY: (WHIMPERS) Wait, you went into the store too quick, I can't keep up!

SHELLSEA: Hurry, Finberley! Around the corner, Finberley!

Come on, faster!

FINBERLEY: Oh gosh. (STUTTERING) I fell.

Finberley, get up! Shampoo is in aisle seven.

And I need you to climb up to the high shelf to get the best deal.

-Document my life! -FINBERLEY: Okay, wait,

I'm coming! I'm coming!

(HONKING)

Here's the shampoo. The sale is right there.

-Hello. -You need to move.

-I'm filming a reality show. -Oh! Reality show!

Hello! I am Fish Vartan.

Actor at large, or large actor.

Whichever you prefer. I will audition for you.

You don't audition for a reality show. It's real.

Hello! "You had me at hello."

-Wait, what are you doing? What... -"You shall not pass!"

-SHELLSEA: No, no, no! -Here's a better one.

-Stop it! -"I can't quit you."

-SHELLSEA: Quit it! -"Life is like a box of chocolates."

Stop it! We are filming a show!

-"You looking at me?" -No, we're not looking at you!

-"I'll be back." -Finberley, stop filming him!

FINBERLEY: I try to move the camera, but he keeps talking.

Finberley, I said don't film him. Focus on me.

Good. Now, I need you to set the camera down,

climb up to that high shelf, and get that shampoo. Okay?

FINBERLEY: Okay, I'll do it. I'll put the camera down.

-I'm gonna be famous! (WHIMPERING) -No, no. I will get it. I am an actor.

(BOTH YELL)

(CRASHES)

-FINBERLEY: Get off me, I can't breathe. -FISH: My butt, it's covered with shampoo!

SHELLSEA: You guys, you are totally going to ruin my reality show! Gosh, darn it!

-Finberley, get out of the way! -(FINBERLEY SCREAMS)

Oh, snap, this is amazing. Gotta get my camera.

(GROANING) My buttocks.

Oh, my gosh, this is the best reality show ever.

Oh! There's so much suffering in this world.

-Pick a happy one, Attila! -(MEOWS)

Hey, y'all Internets!

I's about to show you the smartest person I know.

This is Louis Duck. He listens real good.

Give everyone one of your fancy greetings, Louis.

Okay, now. Speak.

Oh, he's doing a fancy curtsy. I feel like the Queen of Fish-England.

Here's his favorite thing in the whole wide world.

Fetch, boy. Fetch!

His brain's a'twirling. Oh, I can tell. Conserve your brain energy, boy.

-Genius minds work in mysterious ways. -(QUACKS)

Oh, that duck was amazing!

You could learn a thing or two from him, Attila.

(HISSES)

Oh, Attila, I love you. Click the next one!

NARRATOR: Who is Randy Pincherson? Is he rich? Good-looking? A ladies' man?

If you didn't say all of the above, then you're wrong!

Randy is "the stuff,"

and now, he's running for student council of Freshwater High.

Randy's opponent, the Student Council of Freshwater,

are neither good-looking nor rich.

And when asked about their support for longer school days,

the council said this...

-We never said that. -NARRATOR: Liar!

This election, don't be an idiot.

Vote Randy Pincherson for new student council of Freshwater High.

I'm Randy Pincherson! And I made this.

-(CLICKS) -Action!

What do you call a pickle that hangs around a lot?

-A lurkin' gherkin! (LAUGHS) -Oh, my gosh, Dad, get out of my room!

(LAUGHING) Oh, my gosh, a... a lurkin' gherkin!

That's too funny! (LAUGHING)

Oh, Attila, change it, quick! I'm gonna wet my pants.

Welcome to Milo's Healing Power of Friendship.

Today, we're talking to a real-life vampire!

I am Fishferatu, that which waits in the darkness.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So, what's it like being a vampire?

A mere mortal such as yourself could never hope to understand...

the bottomless, haunting loneliness that comes with being...

immortal!

-Oh, my gosh, vampires are immortal? -Yes, immortal.

And this makes you lonely

because you have nobody to spend all that forever with.

Yes.

Well, boy, do I have a surprise for you, mister!

Is that a special guest in our audience?

(MOUTHING) Me? (SPEAKS NORMALLY) Oh, her.

That's right! We've invited a real-life vampire hunter.

Now, I know that vampires and vampire hunters

have been enemies since like, what, the '80s?

But I figure, if the two of you could forgive each other

for all the blood sucking and stake stabbing,

then maybe eternity won't seem quite so lonely.

Hmm. Is this a joke? There's no such thing as a real "vampire hunter."

-Yee-haw! -(SCREAMS)

(FIGHTING SOUNDS)

-FISHFERATU: Can you get off me now? -(VAMPIRE HUNTER CHUCKLES)

-ESMARGOT: Sorry. -Or not.

MILO: Next time on Milo's Healing Power of Friendship...

(BOTH SCREAM)

See? We're actually both strong enough to pick up a chair.

-(CLICKS) -(MUSIC PLAYING)

-Uh, hello, ladies. (CLEARS THROAT) -Hello!

Oh, wait, that's my cupcake! This must be old.

I bet he doesn't want me to see it. I'm gonna watch anyway.

I'm a teacher, but ready to learn a thing or two from the right woman.

Uh, here's my lesson of the day.

Did you know that you plus me equals happiness?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) I know it's 1986, but I consider myself old-fashioned.

I've written a poem.

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day.

"Not too humid, hopefully not a lot of bees.

"I'm very allergic to bee stings,

"but if you aren't, I'm willing to adjust to that."

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

-(BUZZER) -(AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYS)

Patricia Fisha, I cannot believe you are making me do this video.

(PATRICIA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

All right, all right, I know, I'm lonely. I know, okay, fine.

First off, love me, love my mother. That's number one.

-(BUZZER) -(AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYS)

(SYNTH MUSIC PLAYING)

Dubstep.

Cosmos.

-Dubstep. -Cosmos.

-Dubs... Dubs... Dubs... -...mos. ...mos. ...mos.

Dubsmos!

Hey, Attila,

-aren't you glad you're not a planet? -(MEOWS)

-I thought so. -(CLICKS)

Hello!

I enjoy quiet conversations!

-(DINGS) -(AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYS)

-Oh. Well, that wasn't worth waiting for. -(CLICKS)

HI, my name is Wilford, and I'm a cat.

And I know I got, like, a bad reputation 'cause my fur's all matted

and gross and I... I am disgusting.

But, it's not really about what you look like.

It's about who you are inside.

-I'm inside! Let me out! -Oh, my!

-He should get that looked at. -(CLICKS)

Hi, guys! Today I'm gonna show off a few of my...

(CLICKS)

(STRUMS UKULELE)

(SINGING INDISTINCTLY)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(LAUGHING) Oh, gosh, that was sweet.

I'm having so much fun. You know what, Attila?

I could just do this for hours and hours and hours. What do you say?

-(CRASHES) -Oh, shucks.

-The interwet's down. -(MEOWS)

Guess that means it's time for bed, huh, Attila?

Attila, hey, don't lay on my face!

I can't b... I can't breathe! (SCREAMING)

Oh, Attila, scratch my back!

-(SLASHING) -MS. LIPS: Ow!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Ladies, will you be attending the party of the century?

I rented a huge party bus for all of us to ride around the store in.

Ooh, party bus! That sounds like fun!

The only buses I've ever been in take me to places I don't wanna go.

Party bus! Wait, you gonna have snacks at this thing?

Give a playa some credit. I've got tons of these salty crackers!

Ew, no, stop it! I mean real snacks.

-(MUNCHING) What's wrong with crackers? -I want food at this party.

I want burgers. Big ones.

Shellsea, why don't you and I go get the food?

Top notch burger party!

Wait, you gonna have hot boys at this party?

You gotta have hot boys.

-You gotta. You gotta. You gotta. -You gotta. You gotta.

Uh, excusez-moi, what do you think this is?

See, I want real, actual, live, hot boys at this party!

Maybe shirtless Milo will make you change your mind?

(GROANING) Milo, look what you did! Now I gotta go find my eyes!

I can't believe you made me look at that thing! (SCREAMING)

Okay, party prep team, ready to activate?

Yep, Shellsea and I will take care of the food.

-Yep, and Oscar will get the hot guys. -What? Why am I... Okay.

And I will go get the most important person of all, Mr. Baldwin!

Why Mr. Baldwin?

That dude has, like, a bazillion new babies!

If a brother ever needed a break, it's that man.

-(HUMMING) -(DOORBELL RINGS)

(BABIES CRYING)

Oh, of course.

Hey, Mr. Baldwin! You know your babies are crying?

Well, Milo, that's because someone is ringing my doorbell

right after I just got them down for a nap.

Mr. Baldwin, I wanted you to be the very first fish to get this.

"Roses are red, violets are blue.

"Milo's having a party. What you gonna do?"

Not go.

I'm not giving you a choice, Mr. Baldwin. You need this party.

Look at all that tension in your back.

-(BONES CRACKING) -Huh?

Oh, this is fine. No, I'm used to it. Now go have fun at your party.

I've got some screaming babies to attend to.

-(BABIES CRYING) -(GROANS)

Yeah, well, this baby needs you more.

Hello! Welcome to Hoobasteak!

(LAUGHING) Yeah! I am Fish Vartan. How may I help you?

Hey! I need a bunch of burgers for a party.

Oh, yes! Hello!

We have many fine Hooba foods for you to enjoy.

Would you like the Hooba Junior? The Hooba Dooba?

The Double Hooba Dooba? Or the Grand Pooba Hooba with cheese?

I don't know, I just want a bunch of burgers.

No, no, no! Please, please, please, you tell me which Hooba you choose-a!

Those are stupid names. I'm not gonna say them.

But you have to!

(SCOFFS) Can't you just give her a burger?

Oh, but if you don't say the Hooba name, I don't know what button to press.

Uh... Uh, it says I can only either press the Hooba Junior

-or the Double Hooba Dooba... -I don't care, just press a button.

-But... but... which button? -Any button.

-The Uber Hooba? -Yeah.

-The Hooba Junior? -Yep.

-The Hooba Dooba? -Yeah.

-The Double Hooba Dooba? -How about the Hooba cares-a?

Oh! That's the Hooba Special!

-Dooba Booba Hooba. -Hooba Dooba!

-Dooba Hooba, Cow-a-Booba Hooba. -Hooba Dooba, Hooba Dooba.

-Hooba Dooba Dooba, Hooba Hooba Hooba... -Hooba Hooba, Dooba Hooba...

Shellsea! Come back to me!

Bea, I need your help! I've been pulled into the vortex!

I'm drowning in this whirlpool of Hooba. Help me!

Hold on, Shellsea! Finberley's working at Taco Face. She'll know what to do.

-Finberley! -Hola, Bea amigo!

Finberley, you have to help.

Shellsea got sucked into the whirlpool of Hooba.

Looks like it's time for a manager override.

-Dooba Hooba... -Hooba Dooba, Hooba Dooba Dooba...

(YELLS)

-Hooba Dooba, Hooba... -FINBERLEY: I override you!

You did it, Finberley!

(GASPS) And look! Fish Vartan has reset!

Hello! I am Fish Vartan. How may I help you?

Oh, actually, a burger sounds kind of good.

-Finberley! -Finberley, no!

Would you like the Hooba Junior? Or the Great Hooba Dooba Pooba?

-Hooba Dooba Dooba... -Hooba Dooba... Oh no, won't stop...

Hooba Dooba Doo...

(COOS)

(GULPING)

-And what are you supposed to be? -Your baby!

And I totally think you should go to Milo's party.

-Not going to your party, Milo. -(GASPS) How did you know it was me?

First of all, my babies can't talk. And second of all, they can't text.

-(KEYS CLICKING) -Oh, sorry, what'd you say? I was texting.

Please just go and have fun at your party.

-Will you at least change me? -MR. BALDWIN: No!

Behold!

Sports Blast Athletic Equipment Emporium! (CHUCKLES)

OSCAR: Wow! We've hit the hot guy motherlode.

Attention! May I have your attention please?

We are looking for hot guys.

Like, really hot guys who like to party, you know? We, uh... We got snacks.

Um, like those little pizza things, and dancing, I guess.

Just... We just... We really need hot guys.

-Huh. No one's listening to us. -Scientifically speaking,

the only thing that hot guys really respond to is hot girls.

Well, I know three girls who'd love to lend us a fin.

Yoo-hoo, boys!

-(SMOOCHES) -Look at me, I'm a hot girl. (CHUCKLES)

MALE VOICE: Come on! Look at those hot girls! I gotta get me some hot girls!

-What is this? -We're demonstrating!

What do we want? Mr. Baldwin to go to a party!

No! You... you gotta get all my babies back to sleep!

-If Lulu sees this, she'll... -I'll what?

-(SCREAMS) -Why are all our babies up?

It's Milo's fault!

The babies and I, we just want Mr. Baldwin to come to my party.

Oh, well if the babies want it, I think you should go.

-But... -Don't disappoint those babies!

Yes, dear.

(SINGING) Come on, fishy people

Don't get left in the dust

Come on, hop-a, hop-a Ride on my party bus!

Oh! This party bus is amazing!

Let's find a place to put these burgers down.

-My fins are killing me! -Don't forget what Shellsea taught us!

You don't wanna be right on time for a party!

-You wanna be fashionably late! -(GRUNTS)

Okay, we'll just-- We'll wait here like two hours.

That should make us look super fashionable!

All right, Bea. I'm all carb-loaded up and ready to meet some hot boys.

Did somebody say, "hot boys"?

-MALE VOICE: Hot girls! -Ow, ow, ow...

Ask and ye shall receive.

Come on!

Yeah, um, have fun in there, early birds.

Looks like it's eight o'clock.

Time to get this party bus moving. Hyah, mule!

(PANTING)

-(GRUNTS) -(FINBERLEY WHIMPERS)

Well, the tank's moving, but I haven't seen Milo yet.

I wonder where he is.

Now remember, I'm only gonna stay at your party for just a minute.

Where is everyone else?

Sounds like they're coming. Give me your fin. Woo-hoo!

-(MR. BALDWIN SCREAMING) -(SPLASHES)

Party up! Mr. Baldwin is in the house!

Hey, bro! I'm trying to build some mad muscle right now!

What you got in the way of burgers?

Would you like the Hooba Junior?

The Hooba Dooba? The Double Hooba Dooba?

Or the Uber-hooba, or the Grand Pooba Hooba.

Hooba Dooba, Hooba Dooba, Hooba Dooba...

Hey, yo! Jerry's doing the spins. That's good cardio!

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I'll have what he's having!

Well, we've got the Hooba Burger. The Hooba Junior.

-Hooba Dooba, Hooba Dooba. -Hooba Dooba, Hooba Dooba.

-(LAUGHING) Yeah! -Oh, no! It's the whirlpool of Hooba!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(INDISTINCT CLAMOR)

(YELLS) I'm Randy Pincherson!

(WHIMPERS)

Great, Milo! Thanks to you, my babies will grow up without a father!

-You happy? -(DOG WHIMPERS)

(WILFORD YOWLS)

Oh no! Our friends are trapped in that out-of-control party tank!

We have to stop it!

(GRUNTING)

Maximum override!

(ALL SCREAMING)

-(WHIMPERS) -(CLATTERING)

(WHIMPERS)

(ALL GROANING)

JUMBO: I think I broke my hip.

So dizzy! (GRUNTS) Let's get outta here, guys.

Worst party ever. Let's go get a burger.

Mr. Baldwin? (GASPS) Oh! Mr. Baldwin!

(GRUNTING) Speak to me, baby doll! Speak to me!

I'm so sorry your babies talked you into this mess!

This must've been the most terrifying party bus experience of your entire life!

Yes, it was.

But it was the only party bus experience of my entire life!

And it was the best thing that ever happened to me!

You gotta invite me to the next one!

-Uh... (CHUCKLING) Okay. -Yeah, dude!

Next time, I want to extreme bungee jump into that tank!

Oh, cool. Really?

Yeah, and I wanna hitch that tank to something faster!

Like a cheetah!

Oh, well, hey, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.

Party Bus! Whoo!

For a minute, bro, I thought you had a concussion, Mr. Baldwin.

-Who's... who's Mr. Baldwin? (GRUNTS) -(THUDS)

Ha! Yeah, that's more like it.

Come on, Mr. B, let's get you to fish urgent care.

They got some real good snacks over there.

MR. BALDWIN: Hey! There's the guy!

-I love you, man. -MILO: I know. I know you do.

(SLURPING)

-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) -Yo, yo, yo, yo! Yo, that's right!

Ooh, ooh. Yeah, yeah, yeah That's right!

Y-O-L-O

Ooh, ooh. Yeah, yeah, yeah That's right!

Y-O-L-O. Yolo!

(LAUGHS) Yeah!

(MUSIC CONCLUDES)