Original subtitles

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Again ♪

♪ Are you alone my friend ♪

♪ 'Cause I've been dreaming dreams ♪

♪ Almost every night ♪

♪ Until the morning comes ♪

♪ To tell me where I stand ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Can the morning come ♪

♪ And tell me who I am ♪

♪ Who I am ♪

(soft acoustic music)

(alarm blaring) (soft acoustic music)

♪ La la ♪

(woman vocalizing) (soft acoustic music)

- [Woman] Hey, come back here.

♪ Let go ♪

♪ You say ♪

♪ You won't feel a thing that way ♪

♪ I feel everything ♪

♪ Almost every night ♪

♪ Until the morning comes ♪

♪ To tell me where I stand ♪

♪ Can the morning come ♪

♪ And tell who I am ♪

♪ Who I am ♪

- Whore.

(woman vocalizing) (soft acoustic music)

- [Alarm] Hey, hey!

Don't wake up.

Please, manana.

Manana.

Hey, hey!

Don't wake up.

Please, manana.

Manana.

Hey, hey!

Don't wake up.

Please, manana.

Manana.

Hey, hey!

Don't wake up.

Please, manana.

Manana.

(hitting) (clattering)

(upbeat, quirky music)

- First the olive oil.

The Greeks called it God's nectar.

- [Man On PA] Can I please get a price check

on the electroplated ladle?

- Can I use non-stick spray instead of oil?

- Oh. Come on, please.

I know olive oil is the big enemy here.

We're talking about a little tablespoon. Okay?

- Give me a break.

If I always ate what I loved, I'd be 200 pounds

and then no one would want me.

(women chuckle)

- Sorry. Tell me your name.

- Denise.

- Denise.

Denise, do you consider olive oil a sin?

I mean food and eating are forms of pleasure, too.

It's not just about how you look.

- Are you trying to say that guys don't care

about how we look?

- You look beautiful.

Did that answer your question?

- Yes.

- All right then.

Make sure the olive oil is sufficiently hot

before you add the real garlic.

No fake garlic.

The real one.

First taste...

Is always with the eyes.

(soft, romantic music)

Any questions?

- Yes.

Do you have a valentine?

(women laughing) (clapping)

- No.

Well sort of.

Oh Mikey, look what I got for you.

- Oh, sweet. (laughs)

Oh, man, this smell has been driving me

fuckin' bonkers out here.

Mm. Mm!

What are you getting Sam for her birthday?

- Huh?

- Sam's birthday bro.

What are you giving her?

- Oh, I went to Goodwill.

- Perfect. I got her Scrabble.

- She'll love it.

Sweet.

I'll see tonight, okay?

- Mm.

Mm, man, this one has gotta go in your cookbook.

- Yeah, if I ever finish it.

(bright, upbeat music)

- Could you hold still?

You're worse than my actors.

- Please finish today.

- [Julie] You'll thank me.

- Hey Sam.

- Thank you.

- Christ.

- Wow. That's different.

- Good different or bad different?

- Different-different.

- Did I not tell you this was pointless.

(Julie sighs)

Your dad called you.

- It's your birthday. He called you.

- No, he called you, but he did wish me a happy birthday.

- Nice try, Sam.

- Let me tell you something.

It's a little tricky doing lips when they're moving.

- You love the challenge. - No.

Setting you up on a date with Joe was a challenge.

- Joe?

Who is Joe?

- Her blind valentine.

- Well, why the makeup?

- [Julie] Funny.

- Sammy has a date.

Sam has a date. - It's not a date.

It's a mercy date.

He's valentine-less.

- He's very rich.

An accountant. (Daniel gasps)

- An accountant.

Oh, Sam! An accountant.

- If he makes you so wet, why don't you date him?

Like I care about money.

- Hello? Money helps.

- I got something for you.

- Yay!

- Watch the 'do!

Oh my God.

You look like a pimp.

- It rocks.

I fucking love it, yes.

- It's cute. - Thank you.

- Really cute.

- Charming.

- Freeze!

(Nicole gasps)

You're under arrest, hussy.

- Happy birthday, Sam.

- Hey. (laughing)

- Hey.

Okay. What does she see in him?

- He's a nice guy.

- My brother's a pig.

- Hey.

He gave her rough riders for Valentine's Day.

- Oh God, please let me be adopted.

(Sam sighs)

- You know what? I have to wash my face.

- Oh, if you do I will personally kill you

and I'm not kidding.

- Okay. I just have to pee.

- You know what's so weird, Sam,

is I completely believe that you're just going to pee!

- Hey, fuck off, perv!

- She's sweet. I'm telling you, man.

- I don't want to hear this.

- Dude, she got titties.

- Yeah. I assumed that.

- But, Sam is not Sam anymore.

You know what I'm sayin'?

- I hope not.

- Oh, come on.

Tell me you haven't at least thought about it.

- Peter, Sam is like my best friend.

She's family.

- Look at her ass.

She's like a fuckin' Cracker Jack box.

- Excuse me?

- Can you imagine taking her home

in all that baggy shit, you know what I'm saying?

And then finding out what you got.

The surprise in the box. - Shut up.

- Yes? - Nice hat, Sam.

- Thank you.

- I got a present for you. I forgot.

- Are you looking at my butt?

- No.

Cheryl says you give her dirty looks.

- That's 'cause I do.

- Sam.

- But it's so much fun.

- I don't want to hear about it again tonight.

- What's her face is coming to my birthday party?

- [Daniel] Cheryl.

- Whatever.

- It's also her Valentine's party, remember?

So no dirty looks.

- We'll see.

- [Peter] I didn't wrap 'em.

- Holy shit!

Thanks.

(knocking)

Oh boy.

(Daniel gasps) - Sam, your date is here.

- Shut up! - Let's get ready!

- Lucky bastard.

- Shut up.

- Dude, he gonna tax that booty.

- Stop it, man.

- Hi.

- Sam.

Happy birthday. You look great.

This is Joe who was expecting so much more.

Familiarize yourselves.

- Hi. - Hi.

You can...

- Wait, wait.

- Mikey. - Happy birthday.

- Thank you.

- What is it?

(upbeat hip hop jazz music) (people chattering)

- You know, Sam, I really admire

how you wear all these weird clothes.

I would never have the guts.

- Yeah, well the hat was a birthday present from my buddy.

(Cheryl chuckles)

- Sam, I think that had looks sweet on you.

Is that what you got her?

- Yep.

- I like it.

Really.

- Thanks. (laughing)

- Yeah!

- [Cheryl] Did you pass wind?

- No.

- Did someone here, um, pass wind

without saying excuse me?

(upbeat jazzy hip hop music)

- Excuse me.

(laughing)

- [Julie] Okay, call me a buzzkiller,

but aren't we supposed to be playing a game?

- [Mikey] Man, you got a great play. Play.

- Hold on, hold on, I'm with it. Don't tell me.

- [Julie] Let him think.

- [Mikey] 19 points.

Triple letter.

- Shit, what is it? - Starts with a B.

(Peter laughs)

- Hang on, hang on. I got it.

- [Sam] All right, here comes the genius.

- Oh yeah. - Stand back.

- [Sam] He's dangerous when he's thinkin',

- All right. Check this out.

Check this out.

Read 'em and weep.

Boobies.

Mm. - Ooh.

Big w- (Peter burps)

Pig.

(Peter laughs)

- The key word, Sam, is pig.

(Peter laughs)

- It's spelled I-E, Einstein.

- [Daniel] Let's look it up.

- [Group] Look it up, look it up.

Look it up.

- [Julie] Let me tell you something,

there is no way that boobies is in the dictionary, okay?

- [Peter] Oh, come on, everybody says it.

- [Julie] No, you say it because you are one.

- Ah! - You got 'em do you'd know.

- It's actually in here I can't believe...

Boobies.

But!

Nicole is right, the plural is I-E.

- [Julie] Yeah, Nicole!

- [Mikey] Sorry, bro.

- [Joe] Hey, they're way behind anyways.

Let's just give it to them.

(Peter laughs)

- Ooh. - Generous.

(upbeat music)

(Sam grunts)

- [Joe] What the hell is that?

- Foom-uh-key-us.

- Fumaceous.

- All right, baby. - That's not a word.

- No, no. - It's totally.

- It's so a word.

- It is.

- [Mikey] All right, use it in a sentence.

- [Nicole] Thank you.

- Okay.

The Scrabble game was going well

until a thick fumaceous cloud escaped

from under Peter's ass! (laughing)

- [Julie] Oh snap!

(metal thuds)

(thudding)

(metal scraps)

- [Woman] Dirty man.

Touching me all over.

(helicopter flies overhead)

(grunting in the distance)

- [Man] Yeah, yeah!

- [Woman] You like it like that?

Yeah, you like it like that?

Harder, harder, harder, harder.

(grunting)

(Sam screams)

- Fuck!

(hits) (grunts)

(laughing)

- Sorry.

I'm sorry 'cause I just wet myself.

(laughing) Did I wake you before?

- I couldn't sleep anyway. (Sam sighs)

- What's her face is louder than Nicole.

Are you competing with Peter now or what?

- You're hungry?

- What you got?

- Something good.

Leftovers.

- Mm, what's her face's leftovers?

I'm so honored. (Daniel laughs)

- Do you ever sleep at night?

- I work better at night.

Thank you.

- What are you working on?

- Art.

- Can I see it?

- When it's done.

Maybe.

- How come you never show your work?

- Because it's private.

- That's like me not serving my food.

- Yeah.

But your food is really good.

Actually, maybe that's your problem.

- What do you mean?

- Well, it's too good. It's fuckin' unbelievable, you know?

I mean, maybe you should figure out

whether you're really into the girl

before you seduce her with your food.

(Daniel laughs)

- You think my food is seductive?

- Yeah, that whosey-what's apparently.

(laughing)

Am I wrong?

So what's the verdict?

You see? That is exactly my point.

You roll your canaloni like the other guys

pitch their bullshit.

- You make me out to be such a dog.

- Unintentional dog.

More like a puppy.

That pees on everything.

(laughing)

(soft piano music)

- I'm tired of searching for it, Sam.

- You're just looking too hard.

- Maybe I should quit looking, like you.

- That's not the point.

I'm happy.

Anyway, I don't need anybody

because I got you, you buddy.

(car engine clicking)

(Daniel sighs)

(car engine clicking)

- [Peter] I love you, sweetheart.

- Hey Peter.

I need a ride.

- [Peter] Hurry up man 'cause I'm late!

(truck starts up)

- Wow! You gotta get that muffler fixed, man!

- Hey man, I made her that way.

(Daniel chuckles)

(truck revving)

- Come on, I thought you were late.

- Hey, hey, hey, man. Hey.

Roxanne is my girl, okay?

I gotta warm her up a little bit before I drive her.

(revving)

- Why do all your women have to be so loud?

- Ah!

I wonder if Sam is loud , huh? - Oh not again.

- Dude, it's bad, man. It's bad.

All right, last night, right? - Just stop it, okay?

- I'm fucking her from behind.

- Sam?

- That's what I'm getting at, bro.

The whole time I'm just dreaming that it's Sam.

- That's enough! (truck revs)

- What are you so touchy about?

- Listen, man, Sam is like a sister to me, okay?

And I don't appreciate your dick

and Sam in the same fantasy.

Now just go and shut up.

(trucks revs) (tires squeal)

- [Sam] I mean, it's just a filter, but you know.

- [Mikey] You can work on my car for me.

- Really? How much you gonna pay me?

- Sam.

What are you doing here? - Hey.

Well, I had to take a bus to get that part for your car.

You wanna do a movie?

- Well I kinda have plans.

- Yeah.

- Do you need a ride?

- No, I'm cool.

I have plans.

I totally forgot.

No.

- Well thanks for getting me in the part.

- No problem.

Well don't keep your plans waiting.

(people chattering)

- Kind of slow on those intros.

- Yeah.

Whatever.

See you later, Mike.

- See ya, Sam.

- Just for you. - Oh my gosh.

- Just for you.

- You're amazing.

I can't believe you made this all by yourself.

Oh.

- Just for you.

(soft, bright music)

- Denise.

- Save it and serve it to someone else.

(people chattering)

(soft music)

- I have a proposition.

- Listen um, I'm flattered,

but propositions are kind of dangerous lately.

- Well this one might be lucrative,

if you can lay your innuendo aside.

(Daniel sighs)

- I'm sorry.

- You have such a nice image, Daniel,

but you're wasting it on small numbers.

- Thanks, but- - We could fix all that.

- I don't get it.

Is this a pitch?

(laughing)

- Oh, it's a bitch of a pitch,

and I'm just the witch to turn your pumpkin into a Ferrari.

(trucks revs)

(Daniel laughs)

- Sam!

- Goodnight, Roxanne. - Hey!

Why are you so bouncy?

- He just got a TV show.

- You got a what?

- Some producer took my class

and she wants me to do it on TV.

- He means cook.

- I got that.

- Where? When?

- Here in LA, next week.

- No way! (Daniel yells)

- [Daniel] Get the shit off of me! Oh!

- Listen, you buddy, you're gonna be in the cash.

You're gonna be all set now.

Promise you won't forget us when you get all big.

- They're just testing me. Nothing for sure yet.

- Promise me you won't get fat headed.

- I pro-

Are you crazy? Of course I won't.

I promise.

- Hey, I got a bottle of champagne I bought for my girl.

- You bought champagne for Nicole?

- No. Hell no.

Roxanne's about to hit 100,000.

(upbeat music)

♪ Roxanne is about to hit 100,000 ♪

♪ Roxanne is about to hit ♪

(upbeat, quirky music)

(people chattering) (upbeat, quirky music)

- I can't do it. - Stop schiptzing.

If you go out looking like that, I'm out of a job.

- I look bad? - Five minutes, kids.

- Oh no. - You're bugging me.

- Please.

- Look, I gave you neutral blue number one, hon.

God can't do it better.

- Not the makeup...

- Okay.

All right.

Close your eyes.

Do a little visualizing.

You're in your mother's womb.

- What?

- Trust me.

I do this with my therapist all the time.

- I need Sam.

- Hey, watch the makeup. - Fuck the makeup!

- Okay. He needs to calm down.

- Hello Daniel.

We're live in a minute. All ready?

Let's get on our mark.

(Daniel sighs)

(bright, upbeat music)

- [Man] Head's up. Watch yourself.

Coming through.

- Oh, thank you, Bobo.

Very good.

Now let's turn up the charm.

Good luck, sweetie.

- Copy that.

And we are alive in five, four, three...

- [Announcer] And now our new show, Cooking For Two.

- Holy shit. (laughs)

There he is.

- He looks weird.

- The makeup is making him sweat.

- He's panicked.

- He'll be fine.

- Welcome.

This is um, Cooking For...

For Two.

- Can this guy read?

Look at him.

- And uh, I'm...

- He can't remember his own name.

- I'm Daniel.

- Christ, how many minutes to break?

- Uh, two.

- Well pull back for God's sakes.

This isn't a show about his fuckin' sweat.

- Well, and um, let's, let's get started.

First, get the olive oil.

I love olive oil.

- He looks weird.

- Is he reading something?

- Butter.

Oh. The stock.

(sizzling) Ow!

Stock.

That's what you got this for.

Ah.

(phone ringing)

I guess um...

(phone ringing)

- [Peter] Hello?

Hey Jules, yeah.

Nah, we're watching- - Julie!

- He is seriously losing it here.

- He's wiggin'.

You gotta do something.

- What can I do? The powder's not holding.

- Nobody gives a shit about his fucking makeup now.

- Okay. We don't have to get rude.

- Okay. All right.

Just, just go talk to him.

- [Julie] I'm not a producer.

- They just went to an ad.

- Shit, I have to go.

- Just let me talk to him.

- I'll get fired.

- In 50 minutes, there's not gonna be any job.

(bell rings) - Don't say it.

I know I'm sweating, okay?

- [Man] Yeah, watch your back here.

- What?

- Sam.

- Sam?

Sam.

- You're fucking great.

- I'm dying.

- Okay, so I'm lying.

- [Daniel] Sam?

- [Sam] Okay. You have to act like you're at home.

- It's not that easy.

I'm cooking to three giant cameras.

- Forget about that.

You have to listen to me.

You make the first camera me,

the second camera Peter, and the third camera Denise.

- I broke up with Denise.

- Uh, he's on the phone.

- What? - What?

How can you tell?

- His mic.

- [Daniel] Well that's when I'm cooking for people.

- Who is this clown talking to? His mother?

- Cut him off.

(beeping) - I can't.

He must be on a cellular.

- Well go and get it.

- We're back in 30 seconds guys.

- Now!

- [Daniel] I know that.

- Daniel, let's put down the phone now.

- And we're back in five, four, three, two...

- [Bobo] Did you see we go a show going on here?

- [Daniel] Yeah. (chuckles)

Remember the duck and Peter freaking out?

- [Announcer] And now back to Cooking For Two.

- You're on the air.

- Huh?

Hold on one sec, Sam.

What'd you say?

Oh.

Hey.

- I'm dead.

- I mean, he's my buddy, but this show is bombin'.

- Oh, I'm talking to my friend Sam here.

Sam?

- Just cook, Daniel.

- He's dead.

- Hey, don't hang up.

- I promise.

- Huh?

- I'm cooking spicy shrimp.

For two of course.

You know, Sam, shrimp are kind of like relationships:

you strip them of their hard outer shells,

you find these soft, vulnerable creatures inside

that turn all pink when you treat 'em right.

- What is this? A show about Dr. Ruth meets a vein?

- He's coming around.

- [Daniel] They're kind of like lovers.

If you handle them with respect and you don't rush it,

everything will be fine.

- Is this X-rated or what?

- I'm getting hungry, Peter.

- And horny?

Eh?

Eh?

- Horny? - Mm, yeah.

- [Nicole] Yes, I'm horny, Peter.

- [Peter] Well come here.

- Okay. - Come here.

- And we're off ladies and gentlemen.

- [Man] That's a rap, everybody.

- [Bobo] Who gave Daniel that cell phone?

It's a question. I want an answer.

- Oh, no.

Don't even think about it.

I'm already toast.

(phone ringing)

- Yes. Can you hold please?

Kathryn Hammer's office.

Is this like the third time you called?

Girl, you need a life.

Kathryn Hammer's office.

I know you called before

but I'm putting you on hold again.

Kathryn Hammer's- - Morning, Bobo.

(Bobo chuckles)

- What's all this? - Your messages.

- Who are they all from?

- Women.

- For me?

- Mm-mm. For that cook of yours.

Kathryn Hammer's office.

Yes. Now can I help you?

Uh, just...

- Bobo? - Hm?

- [Kathryn] Could you uh...

- Oh, yeah.

Hold on.

Silly me.

- Thank you.

(Kathryn chuckles)

(phone ringing)

Oh my...

(chuckles)

Oh, how sweet.

(knocking)

Oh, Daniel.

Come in.

Come on, sit down over here.

The phone...

- Listen, I know...

I shouldn't have...

It was not...

I'm fired.

(knocking)

- [Bobo] Kathryn.

- Oh.

Come in Bobo. - I have some more messages.

Lots. - Thank you.

- [Bobo] I haven't peed all day. I'm not a receptionist.

- We've decided to add the phone to the show.

- So I'm not fired?

(Kathryn chuckles) - No.

- Great.

Sam loved doing the show.

- Oh, well that's great, but she's not on our team.

It seems that every female who watched the show last night

wants to talk to you on the air,

and talk to you they will.

Sign all this and you're rich and famous.

(Daniel chuckles)

(soft music)

(bright, upbeat music)

- [Woman] Coming up next, linguini and love advice

on Cooking For Two.

- And how are you today?

- Better. - You focused?

- I'm focused.

- [Man] Move the vegetables there, pal.

- You gave him the phone, didn't you?

Smart.

- What does smart get me? - Job security.

- How about a raise?

(Kathryn chuckles)

Okay, guess not.

- [Bobo] Would you get the hell out of my way?

- Way to go. - Now Daniel,

when the phone rings, I want you to press

this button right here.

- Okay.

This? Which button?

- This button right here.

- This button? - Yeah.

- Now it's only a prop.

It doesn't do anything, but you just hit it anyway.

- Well, why?

- Act like you at home okay?

- Okay.

- We control the phone calls.

You smooth talk to females.

- Darling, did I or didn't I say this kid,

he's gonna be a big hit?

- You didn't.

(bright, upbeat music)

- Okay you, I'm done.

Oh, don't forget.

We're meeting the gang at the bar tonight to celebrate.

- [Man] All right people, let's stand by.

- Frank, is this thing live?

- [Frank] All set.

- [Kathryn] Is the phone all set up?

- All clear. - Good.

Daniel, darling, we have 10 seconds.

Cook and charm, my dear.

Tender and intimate.

Keep the calls, short, sweetie.

We don't want them getting pregnant, right?

Good.

- All right, here we go, ladies and gentlemen.

In five, four, three...

(soft, romantic music)

- [Woman] This is Cooking For Two

with your host, Daniel Haus.

- Welcome. This is Cooking For Two.

I'm- (phone rings)

- The phone.

Pick up the phone.

(phone ringing)

- This is Daniel.

- [Brenda] Hi um, this is Brenda.

I'm calling from Louisville.

- Hi. - Hi.

Oh, you looked so nervous last night.

I mean, you were so cute with that accent of yours

and everything like that and I was just wondering, um,

you got a girl?

- No.

- [Brenda] Oh.

- Did you go and get the ingredients

I told you to get last night?

- [Brenda] Oh, I sure did.

I ran right out and got everything at the A&P.

- And who are we cooking for tonight?

- Oh baby. (laughs)

I am cookin' for you, Silly Billy.

(laughing)

- Well uh, then let's get started.

Maybe with the pasta, huh?

- Hey yo, Sam. (Sam laughs)

You gonna get ready to go to the bar or what?

- Yeah, I'm ready. Can't you tell?

(Peter laughs)

No, wait for me.

I'm gonna be like two seconds.

- All right. - Okay?

Cute show today.

- Daniel.

May I introduce Jacqueline Fosburg?

- Hi, I'm Daniel.

- Do you have plans for this evening?

- Uh, no.

Nope.

- Will you join me for dinner?

- Great.

I'll just change.

- Good.

(thuds)

Sweet.

Woo.

- [Jacque] Mademoiselle Fosburg.

It's nice to see you again. - Thank you, Jacque.

- [Jacque] Young man, your napkin,

it goes on your lap.

There you go.

- Thank you. - Bon appetit.

- This is casual, huh?

- They don't require you to wear a tie.

- Oh yeah.

Um, so, you work with Kathryn?

- No, she's an old family friend.

- I like her.

- Hm, well don't be fooled.

She's a tough cookie.

All business.

- Your menus, Ms. Fosburg. - Thank you.

- Are you in the business?

- Yes. I just turned agent with William Morris.

- Wow. How exciting.

- Yeah.

- That's big, right?

- Sometimes.

Very big.

You might consider an agent sooner.

- So is this a in business dinner?

- I didn't intend for it to be.

- Unbelievable.

He's not even famous yet and he's already late.

- Yeah. I guess something came up.

(upbeat pop rock music)

- Men.

- Huh? - Huh?

Fuck you Peter.

- [Peter] Huh?

(laughs)

- [Woman] Hey, over here buddy.

- [Sam] All I know is she's definitely acting weird.

- It's the chick thing to do.

- Come on. We're talking about Sam here.

- Maybe she's digging you.

- No way.

- All right, so she's jealous.

- No, I think she's still pissed off.

- Dude, that was over two weeks ago.

- I know.

- I can't believe you want to pay these prices.

I told you later on I'd hook you up for free, dude.

Zilch. Nada.

Nothin'.

(woman gasps) - It is you.

You're the cook on my TV.

You're just as pretty as your picture.

I shop here all the time. Do you?

- [Peter] Can I get you something, ma'am?

- I want your autograph.

- Sure.

Um...

- Cynthia.

- To Cynthia.

Okay.

Here you go.

Anyway, I don't know, you know?

Sam is just...

(laughing)

Oh, I gotta go.

See you later.

- All right, see you later, Danny Boy.

(Sam sighs)

Woo hoo hoo. - Don't tickle me.

- You know what I wanna do to them

feet later, don't you? - I'm trying to go places.

- You're going places all right.

You're gonna go to the bedroom.

- [Nicole] No, I'll tell you where I'm gonna go.

- Woo hoo hoo, yeah, where are you gonna go?

I'll tell you. (Nicole yelps)

I'll tell you where you're gonna go.

You're...

- [Nicole] I wanna go to heaven.

- Yeah, you are.

Oh, Sam yeah, let's bust a three way.

Come on.

- [Nicole] You're sick, you fuck!

- Where is the fucking remote, Peter?

(Peter groans)

- You don't wanna miss loverboy, huh?

- Are you high? Disgusting pig.

- No, he's just jealous, I think.

(Nicole laughs)

- [Daniel] I'm Daniel Haus.

I hope you all...

(upbeat piano music)

♪ Love you like a gopher loves his hole ♪

- Pretty.

♪ Want you like big pockets need their snatch ♪

- Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!

♪ Darling if you leave me ♪

♪ I cannot tell a lie ♪

♪ I'll crawl right up inside you ♪

♪ And I'll die, die, die ♪

(Nicole moans)

- Oh, please die.

- Believe me, it's worth it.

Unlike your traditional long grain rice,

first saute the arborio with onion

until it's coated with olive oil and butter.

(phone rings)

Hello?

- [Woman] Hi Daniel. (sniffles)

- Hi.

You sound like you're crying?

- [Woman] It's the onions.

- Well, did you try keeping them in the fridge?

- Okay, so it's not the onions.

- [Daniel] What's your name?

- No.

No names.

- Okay.

What's wrong?

(sobbing)

- I'm so lonely.

(sobbing)

- [Daniel] Well, are you dating anyone?

- No.

Nobody cares.

- Look, patience is the key to a perfect risotto.

Special stuff needs a little extra time.

Like the arborio, you can't put a lid on it.

You must add the stock in slowly,

half a cup at a time, stirring constantly,

so by the time the rice completely absorbs the stock,

it'll separate nicely.

- I couldn't find arborio.

- That's okay.

It'll still work.

And try not to be too hard on yourself.

- [Woman] It doesn't matter.

It's just for me.

- It's all right.

It's okay. I understand how you feel.

- He's so sweet.

- You do?

- Of course. We all feel that way.

- He's fuckin' connin' her.

- Shh. - Shh.

- My friend Sam says if we try too hard, we fail.

We have to stop and let things rest for a while,

that we know what we need is really out there.

Or maybe very close to home.

I think I'm finally getting what Sam really means.

- [Woman] Thanks, Daniel.

- No.

Thank you.

(sizzling) Whoops.

I almost burnt the risotto.

So?

Did you tell 'em about my cookbook?

- Oh gah, oh my gosh, are you ready for this?

They loved the idea.

I'm calling some publisher friends

when I get back to the office.

And...

Kathryn agreed to the terms.

Read them over. I think you'll be pleased.

- They're buying me a car? (Jacqueline laughs)

Oh!

Oh!

Yes!

(Jacqueline laughs)

- And a new wardrobe.

Tomorrow, we shop.

(Daniel chuckles)

- Hey Sam.

- [Mr. Haus] Son.

- Dad.

- [Mr. Haus] Hey.

- I didn't know you were coming.

- [Mr. Haus] Wanted to surprise you.

- You sure did. You look great.

(Daniel chuckles)

- And you, my famous son.

Everybody talks about you at the Lions Club.

- Really?

- Especially the wives.

(laughing)

He was always very popular with the girls.

- It's the cooking.

- Yeah, it's...

I'm very glad something has finally come out of this.

- What does that mean?

- I mean, who would have thought flipping pancakes

would bring you so much money and put you on television, eh?

- That's record breaking, dad.

It only took you three minutes to bring up these insults.

- Not even. Why are you doing?

- What do you mean, because- - I am just trying

to congratulate you. - Oh come on, dad.

Save your Old World sense of humor for the Lions Club.

I know you too well.

- Yeah, oh, you know me? That is ridiculous.

I never see you anymore. - Oh, and that's my fault?

- I never see him. - Oh, that's my fault?

- [Mr. Haus] He never visits me.

- [Daniel] Come on dad, give me a break.

- [Mr. Haus] What?

- You just show up now?

- Hey, I'm starving.

Will you fix us something to eat?

- No, I could take us to a nice restaurant, hm?

- Still can't see me wearing an apron.

- No. - Daniel, please.

- No, why are you making the fight?

- I, I'm sorry guys.

I have plans.

Jacqueline is picking me up any minute.

- I want, I want to talk to you

about something very important.

- Well I've heard enough!

- Don't you walk away from me when I am talking to you.

I am still your father, Daniel!

- Still?

Still.

When were you?

- Oh, who are you to talk?

Pffht. I have a daughter for a son.

- Stop it!

Daniel, please. - No, it's all right.

It's all right.

Do you know the number for a cab?

(hits)

- Just let it go.

He doesn't understand.

- I'm glad you agree.

- No, listen to me.

Daniel.

Lose the vest.

(Sam sighs)

(Daniel sighs)

- So, how do I look?

- Different.

- Good different or bad different?

- You look fine.

- Fine.

Do you have any idea how much this stuff costs?

- No, but I'm sure you're gonna tell me.

(Daniel sighs)

Hey, I was watching your show last night.

Of course.

- Oh.

Right, I was talking about you.

- Yeah. - I hope you don't mind.

- Mind?

No.

- There's something I wanted to tell you, Sam.

- What is it?

You could tell me anything, you know that.

(car honking)

- It's Jacqueline.

Oh.

I got you somethin'.

It's kind of cute, huh?

- Yeah, it's, it's cute.

Is this it?

(Daniel sighs)

I finished my sculpture last night.

- Wow. That's great.

- I know you want to see it.

(car honking)

Just let her sit.

She can wait.

- Another time, okay?

Gotta go.

Thanks.

Let me give you my jacket.

- [Jacqueline] I've got goosebumps.

(Daniel chuckles)

(upbeat music)

- Jacqueline.

I had the greatest time.

♪ Are you alone my friend ♪

♪ 'Cause I've been dreaming dreams ♪

♪ Almost every night ♪

♪ Until the morning comes ♪

♪ Tell me where I stand ♪

- Cooking for Two.

- [Woman] I have to talk to Daniel.

- Your name please?

- [Woman] Sandy.

- [Receptionist] And where you calling from?

- [Sandy] San Francisco.

♪ I am ♪

- Yeah. That's right, bro.

This is the place where Daniel Haus got started.

(Jacqueline chuckles)

- One moment. You're coming up next.

Please hold.

♪ Oh ♪

♪ All I want it everything and everything is all ♪

♪ I can believe in ♪

♪ And all I'll take is everything ♪

♪ And everything is all ♪

- [Daniel] Presentation is everything.

♪ Who I am ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- Have enough room?

- More than enough.

I wanna cook us something special.

(Jacqueline gasps)

- Mmm.

- You know, Cooking For Two?

I'm getting rusty at it for real.

- Mmm, so sweet, but I only have coffee

and Perrier in the fridge.

And besides, um, I've made reservations

and we're meeting some friends.

You cook too much as it is.

Our money buys us the great chefs.

Oh. Would you put that suit on that I love?

- Cheers. - Cheers to Daniel,

to the show, to the lack of room in my closet. (chuckles)

(people chattering)

- Excuse me? Excuse me?

Can I have your autograph, please?

- See? I told you to bring the pictures.

Very good.

(soft jazzy music)

(bell chimes)

(soft jazzy music)

(knocking)

(soft jazzy music)

- Hi.

- Yeah?

- I'd like to rent the space.

- Don't you want to see it first?

- No.

Feels right to me.

Is it okay if I don't smoke?

- Right on.

Come on in.

- [Woman] Welcome to the show of rice and romance.

It's Cooking For Two.

- [Sam] Turn it off!

- No, I'm cookin' here.

- [Daniel] I'll bet your kitchen smells amazing.

- Is that what that is?

Nicole, you must be thrilled.

- You know, all you gotta do is say the word Samantha,

and I'm all yours.

- The way you say my name.

- Turns you on, huh?

- Yeah, I'm hard.

- I just lost my appetite.

- [Daniel]] So now we should be ready

to put the pasta in the water.

- Are you an artist?

- No.

Are you?

- I fix cars.

I mess around with art a little bit.

Peter's a butcher and he's a total fuckin' slob

but he boosts meat regularly from his store

and we really make out protein wise.

Are you an actor?

- No.

I'm a vegetarian.

But I binge on fish and chicken.

I'm really tidy, too. Do you mind?

- Hm.

That's okay, 'cause nobody matches here anyway.

- Come on in.

- Wow.

Hello.

Hm.

- Some of the students let me keep them.

- You teach?

- No. I work as a nude model.

- Oh. (chuckles)

Okay.

Wow.

Okay. I gotta ask you this question.

Do you ever get uh, bored or cold or...

Aroused?

(laughing)

Is that like ha ha ha caught me

or is that the lamest question?

- Have you ever taken a life drawing class?

- Nope.

- You should sketch.

- I don't draw anymore.

- Why not?

- Why should I?

- I see.

You're not into bodies, right?

In fact, the wrong ones keep getting in your way

and the right one, he ignores you.

- Jesus.

Are you a psychic or am I just that obvious?

- Little of both.

(sizzling)

(insects buzzing)

(dialing)

(line trilling) (Jacqueline groans)

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

(groaning)

- [Jacqueline] Who are we waking at this hour?

(line buzzing)

- Just an old friend.

But it's too late to bother her.

- An old friend, or an old lover friend?

(Daniel chuckles)

- Sam.

I've mentioned here before.

- Hm.

I thought Sam never sleeps.

(Jacqueline groans)

I can't believe you've known a woman

for that long without having her.

- She's like a sister.

- If you were my brother, there'd be incest in the family.

So you're back to the cookbook, huh?

Or are you too excited to sleep?

- I missed cooking in a real kitchen.

- Cooking.

Hm.

(Jacqueline mumbling)

- You're not hungry?

- No.

I'm very, very, very, very, very,

very, very, very... (Daniel groans)

Hungry, hungry.

(phone ringing)

(birds chirping)

(phone rings)

(Daniel sighs)

- Yeah?

- [Jacqueline] It's 12:15.

- Oh shit. I overslept.

- [Jacqueline] I'll make excuses. Just hurry up.

- I'll be right there.

(upbeat, quirky music)

- [Daniel] Hey.

(upbeat, quirky music)

- Danny.

Hi.

(kissing)

This is Jennifer Beck. - Hello.

(kissing)

- [Jacqueline] And Michael Stark.

(kissing)

- Hey. - With Burtoch and Lowe.

- Um, I'm sorry guys.

I was hung up at the studio.

- Oh, no problem, Danny. We were in good hands.

(laughing) We were, we were.

Um, Danny, Jennifer here has written

several cookbooks for us.

I think you'll be pleased.

(people chattering)

- Yeah. I've, I've read them.

- I adore your show.

The extended hour format, it's a first.

The time flies between the sex and scallopini.

(laughing)

- Oh Jen...

- She's right, she's right.

Please, Danny, sit.

Sit.

- Calm down?

Calm down.

You agreed to a ghostwriter to write my cookbook.

- You're going to oversee the project.

- Oh, that's great. The project.

Do you have any idea how long it took me to write this book?

- Exactly. And you don't have that kind of time anymore.

- Well, I'll make the time.

- Danny, we are professionals.

We have just pulled off the coup of the decade.

Does Julia Child cook for an hour

five days a week coast to coast?

You've given single women more reason to live.

Who knows, down the road,

you could try your hand at governor.

Danny, honey.

Don't be upset.

We're just beginning to make our waves.

Trust me. I am into you for far more than just 10%.

- Then you should've told me.

- Danny. I'm sorry.

I will never cut a deal against your interests

or keep you in the dark.

Okay?

(car starts up)

(soft piano music)

See you tonight.

- Sure. - Okay.

(soft piano music)

(Danny sighs)

- Come on.

(line trilling)

Come on, be home.

(line beeps)

- [Phone Operator] The number you have dialed

has been disconnected. (Daniel scoffs)

- Great.

(soft, upbeat music)

- I've lost my mind.

(soft, upbeat music)

(doorbell chimes)

- [Jamie] I'll get it.

- Okay.

(soft, upbeat music)

- Hi.

- Oh. Excuse me.

Delivery.

- Samantha.

Did you order any groceries?

- With what money?

- Sorry, man.

- I must've come to the wrong place.

(soft, upbeat music)

Oh geez.

(soft, upbeat music)

(Sam laughs)

- You fucked me up.

You must have scared the shit out of that guy.

- Yeah. He seemed a little upset.

(pager beeping)

(soft, upbeat music)

- 'Cause I think they shut it off.

- Goddammit, I got a 911 page!

- Don't start with me.

I told you to pay the bill.

- Ah, Christ.

- Just relax.

- Oh, what? With him?

- I'm drawing him.

- Whoa, what is that?

What, does that turn you on, huh?

- I don't think so.

I'm not exactly his type, if you know what I mean.

- Yeah, well cover your fuckin' schlong, Walking Bear,

'cause you ain't turning me on.

- Well was it Daniel?

- Is she okay?

(laughing)

Phew.

- Which one of you rocket scientists

left the groceries outside?

- Food!

- What, you didn't buy 'em?

- That guy must've left 'em.

- What guy?

- The grocery fairy.

- Oh, so he was one of your buddies.

- Hey, easy homophobe.

Cooking For Two.

"We cordially invite you and one guest

to celebrate our 100th show."

That was Daniel.

Got me Pringles.

(people chattering)

- [Man] Whoa, watch out.

What?

What is that?

- [Valet] Evening.

(upbeat jazzy music)

- [Kathryn] And there he was so adorable

teaching his little cooking class

and charming all the girls.

(people laughing)

- Honey. I can't believe you showed.

- Yeah.

Your therapist will be so proud.

(laughing)

How is he?

- My therapist?

He is so fine.

Moi? I'm completely fabulous also.

Thanks for asking.

Things are going really great.

- Daniel, yoo hoo, sweetheart.

I have someone I want you to meet.

This is David Williams. - Pleasure to meet you.

- And this is his wife, Britta.

- Hello. - My pleasure.

- This is Daniel.

- Well...

Let's go and have a little drinky, shall we?

- Yes, please.

- I see the changes every day.

Personally, I prefer the perspiration.

He's become such a pro.

What can you do?

- Yeah, well, I'm still worried about him.

- Who?

- Oh. - Hey, Sam.

- Hi.

Oh!

Um Peter.

You know he's, uh, he's really freaking out

ever since Nicole, you know?

- No, I don't know.

- Daniel.

Congratulations.

- Thank you.

- Nicole paged him 911.

- Dumped him over the phone.

Nice.

- Well, he wasn't that into her.

- Hello.

- Well, apparently he was.

You should call him. He's really wigged out about this.

- Yeah, I will.

You know, I've been so- - Daniel.

Congratulations. When are you coming over for dinner?

- Well, you've been so busy.

- I'll call you. - Good.

I look forward to it. - All right.

(Julie chuckles)

- Business.

Hey, what can I do?

Sam, I'm really glad you came.

- Really?

- You know I've been trying- - You must be Sam.

- Yes. This is Jacqueline.

- Oh, how are you doing?

- It's nice to meet you finally.

He's told me so much about you.

- Yeah.

- I promised Henry I would take you over

so you two could meet.

I'm sorry to steal him from you.

- Oh no.

It's your party- - I'll call you.

- Lady.

- I tried to tell you. - I'm so out of here.

- Come on. Stay for a drink or five.

Sam, it's my party, too.

- I'm sorry, Jules. I shouldn't have come.

- Okay. (Sam sighs)

We'll get together tomorrow?

- Yeah. - All right?

- I'll call you.

(people chattering)

- [Peter] Nothing, man. That's it.

You don't what the fucked up thing is?

Is she goes and pages me to do it.

- Well, come on.

That's because you guys never pay your phone bill.

- Nah, man. It's not that.

It's the 911 page, man.

She gives me a fuckin' heart attack, you know?

I mean I'm fuckin' all worked up and then blam.

It's no fuckin' emergency. Just this.

- Hey, maybe she needed to do it right then.

- Fuck that shit.

- Come on Peter.

It's not as if you were the best

about calling her back before.

- Oh, right, oh, what?

Is this your idea help? Huh?

'Cause you ain't fuckin' cheering me up.

- Peter, I don't know what to tell you

except that it's gonna be okay.

- Gee. Thanks man.

You know, I'm so glad I called you back to get

that standard line from Dr. Love of the cooking world.

- [Phone Line] Please deposit 25 cents

for the next five minutes,

- Fuck man, I'm out of change.

- Just give me the number on the phone booth

and I'll call you right back.

- [Bobo] Looks like it's getting off now. Mhm.

- 4731.

All right?

All right.

(Peter groans)

Fuck!

- [Bobo] Uh, Daniel. You're needed on the set.

- Hold on. - No, no, no, no, no.

They said now.

(Daniel sighs)

(rain pattering)

- [Peter] Oh great.

- [Jamie] Hey, you okay?

- Oh, peachy keen Walking Bear.

(phone ringing)

Hey, what the fuck too you so long, huh?

It's not like I'm sitting in my living room here, bro.

I'm gettin' soaked.

- Peter?

Hi, this is Bobo.

Now Daniel told me to tell you

that he was needed on the set, right,

and he was gonna page you later,

if you can handle that through all that anger.

- Yeah?

Well you can tell your cook that I told

his little hamburger helper that he could

fucking shove his big head up his fucking ass

and go join the rest of you brown nosed Hollywood fucks!

(line buzzing) - Mm.

Two words: decaf.

- Hey, you okay?

- Hey man, I'm not into that shit, all right?

- Okay.

How about a beer?

- Are you buyin'?

- Okay.

- All right. - I'll buy.

Hey, man.

- This motherfucker gives me a goddamn

pain on my fuckin' dick, and who the fuck is Bobo?

Bobo my motherfuckin' nuts!

(rain pattering)

Hey man, turn that shit off.

I mean, what do they see in him?

Women, right?

They blubber about honesty, caring,

and all that crap, right?

Right?

And then they get mushy over the Ginzo knife master.

- What?

I think you lost me a little bit there.

- Pretend this is Samantha.

Still with me?

Daniel, the Ginzo knife, fuckin' slices

and then fuckin' dices and then...

Shabam. Out of fuckin' sight and outta fuckin' mind.

But wait, 'cause there's more.

'Cause if you fuckin' fall for his line of bullshit now,

we'll throw of paring knives abso-fucking-lutely free.

And you can learn to carve cute

and unusual shapes out of your best friend's heart.

- Well at least Sam seems to be dealing with it okay.

- Yeah, women.

Exactly.

Man, go fuckin' figure.

(laughs)

- What?

What?

You think it's different for me, right?

- Well obviously you're confused as shit.

What the hell, what the fuck do I know?

- Well you know how you feel.

- Yeah, fuckin' too late.

- Yeah, with Nicole probably.

(Peter chuckles)

- Thanks man.

Yeah, I know.

I fucked it all up.

- At our darkest hour, we see the light.

- Give me a break, Walking Bear.

- My Native American name is Two Moons Over Miami.

(Peter snorts) (laughs)

- Get the fuck out. (Jamie laughs)

- Eh, my parents were hippies.

- I should say so.

What the fuck were the smoking, man?

Can you hook that shit up on the reservation or what?

- You see, I haven't even spoken to him in over a year,

but I still feel like we're connected in some way.

You know, like a soulmate?

- It's important that you baste the bird regularly.

If you don't, the gaminess will dry out

and taste like middle-aged turkey.

- You mean that I should call him?

- Baste the bird.

- [Woman] And that he still thinks about me?

- Baste the damn bird!

- Can the call.

- Well we have. - She's a nutcase!

- Calls constantly.

Every time giving me a new name.

- Oh, I get it now.

- Could you signal Daniel to end this call now?

- [Woman] Everything will come together.

I must think positively.

- Game hens do not think!

They comes without the head!

There, done!

- He stabbed the goddamn bird. (laughs)

(coughs) (laughs)

- And there are several other cooking shows on TV.

Do you want to tell me why you think

yours has become a nationwide sensation?

- I don't know.

I'm not a sex therapist.

I'm not Dr. Love. - Oh yes you are.

For these women, you are.

- I can't do it anymore.

- Well, I think you're overreacting.

We'll take care of tonight's caller.

From now on- - I don't wanna do it anymore.

(Kathryn gasps)

- Now you listen here.

You're not in the back of some small time

kitchen appliance store now.

You are under contract to a very large

television corporation that doesn't

give a damn what you want.

Now, you drive yourself home

in your brand new Range Rover and cool off.

(Daniel sighs)

Now then.

I'll see you tomorrow, sweetie.

Oh, and don't forget to make those cookies for me.

- Oh but dude, seriously.

Did you buy that Indian motherfucker, dude?

That Indian bitch that had the real...

Oh that motherfucker was tripping, dude.

I, uh, fuck it.

Oh man.

(electrical buzzing) (glass shatters)

Hey. - Oh shit, did you see that?

- Wow, fuck dude. Yeah.

(Jamie and Peter yell)

How y'all doin'?

- And are you gonna be in any condition tomorrow morning

at eight o'clock to sign perhaps over a thousand books?

- I'm not going.

- You have a responsibility to be there.

(Daniel scoffs)

- It's not even my cookbook.

- Uh...

It's got your name on it and your picture.

- Yeah. I'm a fuckin' logo.

- There are a lot of your recipes in here.

- Oh?

You're right. Look at that.

Turkey tetrazzini.

I hate turkey tetrazzini.

- Okay, you can write every chapter of the next book.

What's the matter with you?

- What's the matter with me?

I'm the matter with me.

Look at me.

- I am looking at you.

- No.

Just look at me.

- I am looking at you.

- I haven't cooked for anyone in over six months.

- Well I'm sorry, Danny.

Well, if that's what's bothering you,

we'll stay home tomorrow night,

you'll cook, we'll celebrate the book signing.

I love you, Danny.

- I don't...

Love me.

(soft music)

- You paid the bill. Thank you.

How long?

Okay. Just tell him to honk.

Yeah, it's a loft.

Thank you.

- Where are you off to?

- San Francisco.

A friend is sick.

I gotta go.

- Are you okay?

(Sam sighs)

Let me help you with that. - Thanks.

Oh.

Your friends um, they like my work.

- Oh yeah? - They wanna show it.

- [Jamie] That's great.

(people chattering)

- [Woman] Thank you.

- Name?

- Oh, it's for my wife, Gloria.

- To Gloria. Love from the kitchen, Daniel.

Thanks.

- Can I get you anything?

- You can get me out of here.

- Oh, you're doing great.

- [Daniel] Name?

- Sam.

I really love your show.

- Thanks, Sam.

- It's amazing the way you care so much about the people.

You're so real, so honest.

- Thank you.

Do I know you?

- I'm Cynthia. We talk a lot.

The other night on the phone- - To Cynthia.

You'll love the turkey tetrazzini.

It's really you. - Thanks.

- Name?

- [Peter] Shithead.

- Peter.

- It's a birthday present for Sam.

Oh, you do remember Sam, now don't ya?

- Is this about me not calling her back?

- No, this is about Sam.

- What about Sam?

- Dude, cut the crap.

You cannot be that blind.

- Daniel, there are a lot of people waiting.

- One sec.

What about Sam?

- All I'm saying is don't be stupid like me.

- Maybe we could have this discussion later.

- One second. What's going on with Sam?

- You're supposed to be the expert of love.

- Daniel, please.

- So?

Oh, forget it.

- Hey, watch it, asshole.

(sizzling)

(phone ringing)

- I'll get it.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

- Hi. This is Sam.

Uh, can I speak to Daniel please?

- Um, Daniel's not here right now.

Can I take a message?

- Yeah. It's regarding his father.

I'm in San Francisco at St. Francis Medical Center.

He should get here as soon as possible.

- I know what you're trying to do, Sam.

- And what would that be?

- Do you really think it's appropriate?

Using his father to get close to him?

- If you give a shit about him at all,

I suggest you get him up here.

(line buzzing)

- Thanks for the advice.

(phone beeping)

- Right.

Of course I'll handle it

Don't worry.

Nighty-night.

(grunts)

What a doll to call.

(soft orchestral music)

Oh, god.

- Mmm.

It smells good.

- Who called?

- Um, nothing special.

Just Kathryn blubbering about the Valentine's show.

- Oh, Valentine's. I almost forgot.

Sam, I should call her.

- Um, she's out of town.

Left a message yesterday.

- Where is she?

- San Francisco.

You know Peter had no right

to betray her feelings like that.

I was so embarrassed for her.

- Peter is just upset over Nicole,

and Sam's feelings are nobody's business, okay?

- This looks fabulous.

I'm starving.

(sizzling)

(Daniel sighs)

(Daniel mumbling)

(phone ringing)

(soft music)

- Right there?

- Right here.

- Mmm.

Looks really good.

It's really, really sexy.

- Sexy?

- Oh, god.

You're gonna knock 'em dead.

- Woo.

Hey. (chuckles)

- I'm smitten.

Marry me.

- Come on, quit kidding around.

- Marry me, Danny.

(knocking)

- Wow.

I don't know what to say.

- Say yes.

(knocking)

- Yes?

- [Bobo] On stage, Danny. Kathryn's screamin'.

- Say it.

- They need me.

- Say yes.

- [Bobo] Come on, Danny.

We're behind schedule.

- I, I gotta go.

This is not the right time.

(phone ringing)

(Sam sighs)

(line trilling) (soft, melancholy music)

- Hi sleepy head.

- No. Go home, Samantha.

- I wanna stay.

- Oh, no sweetheart.

I'm so proud of Daniel.

You know he...

He's found himself, eh?

You understood and you helped him.

You know what I always wanted, eh?

You and Daniel.

Eh.

- I know.

- Turn it on on the television.

- We all put our trust in this

heart-shaped box of chocolates.

But if you're cooking with me,

let's stir our valentine to bubble

and overflow with desire. (Mr. Haus chuckles)

- And I'm here in some small way to act as your Cupid.

- Oh, brother.

- In two hours, we'll serve a meal

filled with the ingredients from our dictionary of love.

We'll simmer and season with the herbs and spices

from my encyclopedia of aphrodisiac.

All my recipes guarantee that their potency

will soon take it back.

This is not a show for the weak of hearts.

But before we get started,

I would like to tell you all something

about somebody that is very special to me,

and Valentine's Day always reminds me of her.

If you're watching, Sam, wherever you are...

- Kathryn.

- I'm sending you a big, nationwide happy birthday.

- He remembered.

- He has no idea.

(Sam sighs)

(line beeps)

Oh, please God.

- [Daniel] Now how about some calls?

(phone ringing)

Cooking For Two.

- [Nicole] Hi. When are you coming over?

- Oh. No valentine?

- [Nicole] You don't recognize my voice?

- Not yet.

- Daniel. I'm disappointed in you.

It's Nicole.

- [Daniel] Peter's Nicole?

- [Nicole] I'm not Peter's anything.

- So you're calling for love advice?

- Yes I am, as a matter of fact.

I was wondering, Daniel, if you could tell me

how to get a date.

- Have you tried asking?

(Nicole laughs)

- How simple.

Daniel, would you like to go out on a date with me?

You've tried everybody else.

- Oh, fuck me!

- Looks like you're doing a good job yourself.

- Oh, what am I? Dog shit?

I mean, she's coming on to him.

- Not to me.

(Jamie purrs) - Shut up, Two Moons.

- I'm flattered, Nicole.

But um, Peter is my friend.

- You're not.

(phone beeping)

This is gonna be one good show.

- Daniel?

I really miss Peter.

- Conference call?

- [Peter] I gotta bring in the line.

- No, I understand how you feel,

but this is not Oprah. - No, I'm not playin'!

- I know he's a jerk.

But I love him.

- Mm.

- I got it.

- [Peter] Toodles! I'm out, man.

- Call Peter, not me. - Yeah, woo!

- Well I think uh, we gotta let this

cool off a second, so, let's get the uh, cookie cutter out.

We're gonna use it to form the phyllo dough into hearts.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don't put me on hold.

I'm the birthday girl.

I'm Sam.

- Calm down.

Calm down. I'm putting you through right now.

- Cooking for Two.

- Daniel, it's Sam.

- Ladies and gentlemen, the birthday girl.

Perfect timing, Sam.

- [Sam] I, I have to tell you something.

- Speak up, Sam.

I can barely hear you. - Let's break, goddammit.

- [Man] 45 seconds.

- We're cooked. - What's wrong?

- Sam?

- Your father's in the hospital.

Didn't your sweetheart tell you?

- You didn't tell him.

- You told me to handle it, my dear.

- [Daniel] What's happened?

- You witch.

- Don't you forget, you're the Sorcerer's apprentice.

- I've been calling you for two days

and leaving you messages.

- What?

- [Sam] He had a heart attack.

- Where are you Sam?

- I'm in San Francisco at St. Francis Memorial.

You gotta get here.

- No, don't stop. - We'll be right back

with our Valentine's Day special

after a few words from our sponsors.

- I'm leaving now.

(hits) - Ah!

- Too late.

- [Man] Okay, hold your marks, everybody. Stand by.

- Danny, I was going to tell you.

I thought Kathryn said she would.

- For two days, Jacqueline.

- Daniel, let's get back on our mark.

- Let's fuck off!

- Oh, Daniel, we're shattered by the news.

- Kathryn.

- You don't think I knew?

Oh, Daniel. I'm arranging everything.

We're in the middle of the show.

You can't walk now.

- You need a lift?

- Daniel. - Yeah, let's go.

- Danny. - Daniel, you can't do this.

You're blowing a whole year's worth...

Goddammit, you're blowing the ratings!

You're blowing our jobs!

- Kathryn.

(Kathryn sighs) Enough.

- Oh.

(soft, melancholy music)

- Excuse me.

Do you know where Mr. Haus's room is?

- Are you his next of kin?

- I'm Daniel Haus, his son.

- The cook?

Oh.

Um, will you wait over here, Mr. Haus?

I'll go get the doctor.

- Thank you.

Sam.

(soft, melancholy music)

Sam.

Sam, I can't see him by myself.

Please don't go, Sam.

I need you now.

(soft, melancholy music)

How's my father?

- [Doctor] He didn't make it.

(Daniel sobbing)

(soft, melancholy music) (birds chirping)

- I saw you at the funeral.

Thank you.

(birds chirping)

I'm sorry, Sam.

I never meant to hurt you.

And now I have.

- You lied to me.

You said you wouldn't change, remember?

You said you wouldn't get fat headed.

- I know.

I'm sorry.

- You already said that.

- I don't know what to say then.

- I find that incredible coming from someone

who makes a shitload of money

saying the right thing to women.

- Sam, I...

You mean a lot to me, okay?

I know it doesn't seem that way,

but I never meant to lose what we had.

- What we had?

That's great.

- I wanna go back.

- I can't go back.

Everything's different.

You've changed.

I've changed.

- Oh, Sam.

I don't know where I'd be without you.

(birds chirping)

- What are you doing?

- I, I just, I just wanted to kiss you.

- So this is a joke?

- I, I, I thought...

Listen, I know how you feel about me, Sam.

- Oh thanks.

- No, it's okay.

I feel the same about you, too.

- That's perfect.

Of course, because it's always about what you feel, right?

What does Daniel need? What does Daniel want?

What are you feeling? What can I do for you now?

- No, it's also what you need, Sam.

- You know what? You have no idea what I need.

- I thought we need each other, you know, it's-

- I'm sorry. You know what?

Just forget it.

It's too late.

- Sam?

(birds chirping)

(upbeat music)

- We're gonna be late.

- Hey, have you seen the latest one?

Now Daniel's, he's having an affair with...

(Nicole chuckles)

- Okay. That's enough.

You're making me nervous looking at me like that.

- Baby you look...

- Thank you.

- Wow.

Goddamn, girl.

(Nicole chuckles)

Nicole.

Have uh, you ever thought that um...

Me and you?

Yeah?

Yeah?

(laughing)

You know how much I love you?

- I love you.

(dog barking)

(soft music)

(people chattering) (soft music)

- [Man] I'm gonna go look around.

- Hey stranger.

How are you?

- Wow you look, you look beautiful.

- You speak the truth, my friend.

- Well, so, where is she?

- Hello.

Daniel, she's right in front of you.

Hi.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Hey.

(Sam clears throat)

- You missed the spread,

but there's some peanuts left.

- Some peanuts, huh?

Well um, I've eaten.

- You're looking thin.

- Well, you're looking beautiful.

- Really?

- Mhm.

- Julie says I'm a late bloomer.

(laughing)

So what do you think?

- About what?

- About...

- Oh no, this is great.

I'm very proud of you, Sam, and I'm very happy for you.

- Thanks.

That means a lot.

- So you're moving up in the world, huh?

- Yeah.

Huge changes.

Incredible stuff is happening.

How about you?

Oh, small changes, you know.

Planning, plans sort of stuff happening, too.

- Well, good to see you.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Well it's good to see you, too.

(sighs) - Well.

- Well?

- Okay.

- Okay.

- I'm circulating, I- - Oh yeah, of course.

(soft music)

- [Sam] Can I talk to you for a sec?

(soft music)

(car starts up)

(soft music)

- What am I doing?

(upbeat jazzy music)

Sam.

- What are you doing?

- Please come with me. I need to talk to you.

I need to show you something.

- Now? Leave my show?

- I can't wait.

- I can't leave.

- Please?

(upbeat music) (people chattering)

(car starts up)

(upbeat music)

(Julie laughs)

(upbeat music)

- Are you gonna tell me what this is all about?

- Yes, I just wanna ask you a question.

- Why here?

- What do you think about my place?

- This is your place?

It's cute.

It's a California craftsman.

(Daniel sighs)

- So?

You think you could um...

Live in here?

- Is that what this is?

You need a roommate?

- No, Sam. - 'Cause I already-

- Sam.

This is a one bedroom.

(soft orchestral music)

(upbeat acoustic music)

All right, Mikey, are you ready for a little party?

- You're working me too hard, man.

- [Daniel] Oh come on.

♪ Are you alone my friend ♪

♪ 'Cause I've been dreaming dreams ♪

♪ Almost every night ♪

♪ Until the morning comes ♪

♪ To tell me where I stand ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Can the morning come ♪

♪ To tell me who I am ♪

♪ Who I am ♪

♪ Let go they say ♪

♪ I won't feel a thing that way ♪

♪ Well I feel everything ♪

♪ Almost every night ♪

♪ Until the morning comes to tell me where I stand ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Can the morning come ♪

♪ To tell me who I am ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ All I want is everything ♪

♪ And everything is all I can believe in ♪

♪ All I'll take is everything ♪

♪ And everything is all ♪

♪ Can you believe it ♪

♪ Who I am ♪

(cheering)

- [Julie] Yeah!

(upbeat soft rock music)

♪ All I want is everything ♪

♪ And everything is all I can believe in ♪

♪ All I'll take is everything ♪

♪ Everything is all ♪

♪ Can you believe ♪

♪ Who I am ♪

(upbeat soft rock music)

(upbeat, quirky music)

(upbeat, quirky music)