Original subtitles

STAN: 'Twas Christmas at last, the best time of year.

So here is a story of good family cheer.

It's a wonderful tale and I'm not over-hyping.

Hey! Who is that breathing on me while I'm typing?

( exclaims ) Aah!

Are you telling the story of how you stole Christmas this year?

I call it the story of how I saved Christmas this year.

Hey, I can call you Jose, but that doesn't make it your name.

If I let you call me Jose, can I tell my story?

No way, Jose.

Sorry, I couldn't help it. Proceed, Jose.

( theme music playing )

STAN: On Christmas Eve day, the kids scurried around,

inspecting their gifts that sat wrapped on the ground.

They prodded and poked them and hoped they weren't junky.

Tyler shook his around like a less clever monkey.

Guys, Christmas isn't about presents. It's about being together.

This one looks exactly like the right size to be my game system.

Oh, man, when I play it, my eyes burn, my fingers bleed,

and my whole body twitches involuntarily.

I can't wait.

Come on. Let's do something as a family.

( gasps ) I bet this is the new tablet I've been dropping hints about.

Wouldn't it be funny if Mom thought you wanted a tablet of paper

instead of a tablet computer?

No. No, Tyler, it would not be funny.

You guys are missing the meaning of Christmas.

This better be the cell phone I asked Mommy and Daddy for,

'cause I'm tired of having nothing in my phone case

except a can of sardines.

Stop that.

Stop shaking your presents to find out what's in there, huh?

What is wrong with you kids?

You got to hold them up to the light.

Bennett, what are you teaching the kids?

You need to steam the tape off.

( exhaling through mouth )

What are we doing? You know what? We're not gonna find out until tonight

when we each open one family gift.

In the meantime, you all promised to help me make Christmas Eve dinner,

which does not count as a gift,

even if you give it to me in the form of a coupon.

As long as your present to me is the multi-tool I asked for.

It has a hundred different functions, and none of them are necktie.

I work at home. Why do people keep getting me neckties?

( glass breaks )

I may have picked up the wrong box.

Guys, come on already. Put down the presents.

I don't like where this is going.

When you open them, you're gonna disappear just like last year.

You remember last year.

At least, you didn't just run off

to play with your new virtual reality helmet.

Right, Robert?

Robert, will you take that off so we can enjoy some Christmas cheer?

No, you are not too busy battling orcs with your elfin army.

Yes, I know it's immersive,

but you have to be able to distinguish reality from fantasy,

my stuffed orange friend!

There's other Christmas things to do besides presents.

We can sing carols, string popcorn.

I'm standing under this mistletoe...

( sing-songy ) All alone.

That stuff is so lame, Stan.

Christmas is all about the presents. Don't be such a Grinch.

STAN: To make them love Christmas, I'd have to get rough.

If they wanted a Grinch, then I'd steal all their stuff.

I'd hide all their presents in some secret place,

just like the Grinch with a much cuter face.

Ellen, look.

I picked up the trampoline we're giving the kids tomorrow.

I pictured it being more trampoline shaped.

Well, I have to put it together.

You didn't pay to have it assembled?

You mean pay the laziness tax?

Uh-uh. I don't think so.

I'm not giving someone 50 bucks to snap a couple of springs together.

Doesn't matter.

They're not gonna get me. No, no, no, no!

Oh! And here is the nut bag.

Yeah, that's the nut bag.

You're always doing that joke on me, but I finally got you.

Boom! I got you! I got you!

I got you with your own joke!

( hisses ) Burn you.

( hisses ) Burn you.

( hissing ) You.

Yeah, I'm the nut bag.

Dang it!

( screaming ) No!

Avery! Tyler!

-Chloe, are you okay? -No!

The presents are gone. Nothing's okay.

Nothing will ever be okay again.

I've lost my childhood!

The presents are gone.

ALL: ( screaming ) No!

I heard your cries of joy.

I gave you the best gift of all.

I stole all your presents. Merry Christmas!

ALL: What?

Oh, you're right. Happy Holidays.

Stan, why would you take our presents?

Christmas is about being together as a family

and the presents were just getting in the way of that.

So I hid them.

Look at you, feeling the warmth of the season.

Coming in for a hug.

Your eyes are so shiny and kind of scary.

Stan, where did you put the presents?

Ah! Funny story.

I buried them and forgot where.

( laughs )

It's not funny now,

but this is going to be one of those stories

that we will look back on and laugh.

( laughing )

See? We are laughing.

-I'm not laughing. -How about now?

Are you made of stone?

Stan, you lost our presents?

When Mom and Dad see that the presents are gone,

they're going to freak.

It'll totally ruin Christmas.

We need to find the presents before Mom and Dad notice they're missing.

Stan, think. Where did you bury them?

STAN: We had to retrieve all the presents and fast

or I worried this holiday might be my last.

And if you think that sounds like an exaggeration,

why don't you take a crack at this rhyming narration?

Do you think he's thinking about it?

He's just staring off into space.

It may not be too late to pay someone to assemble a trampoline.

I don't need to pay someone. I know a thing or two about tools.

For example, that is not a twirling wrench.

Well, I can't help you. I'm gonna be busy all day with dinner.

-You're gonna be completely on your own. -Please, Ellen.

Stupid people all over the world build trampolines every day.

I think I can do this.

Whoa! Ohh!

Oh! I owe a lot of stupid people an apology.

STAN: I remember I buried the presents somewhere at the park...

It says the park is closed for a private event.

Why would all these people be at the park for Christmas?

Different cultures have different customs, I guess.

Oh, you mean like the way my people spend so much time on their hair?

They're not your people, they're girls.

Look, Stan, we need to get the presents.

While Chloe's home cooking with Mom,

we're going to have to dig as inconspicuously as possible

with all these people here.

So where did you bury them?

I'm not sure, but I remember a snowman.

Over there.

Hold it right there.

You can't just show up at a McCorkin family Christmas party

without getting a hug from Big Ivan.

Oh, come over here, Big Ivan. ( laughing )

They think we're part of the family.

We are part of the family or we'll get kicked out of the park

before we have a chance to find the presents.

Well, it was great to see you.

We're gonna go mingle and catch up with the rest of the McKirkles.

-McCorkins. -Ohh! McAnkles.

You know, I don't remember you from last Christmas.

We didn't make it last year. We're actually from out of town.

You look like cousin Ruth from Nova Scotia.

Oh, I haven't seen her in years.

That's right.

Here all the way from Nova Scotia.

-I am Ruth. -She's 80.

Not that Ruth. I'm her granddaughter Ruth.

We're all named Ruth. Right, Ruth?

Don't ask me. I'm still rubbing McAnkles. You McKicked me hard.

What are you guys talking about?

Ah! ( scoffs ) We're just kiddin' around.

Yeah, it's just the old McCrackle sense of humor.

-McCorkin. -Right, the McCrackle sense of McCorkin.

You know what I mean. Can someone give me an ice pack or something?

STAN: How much they lied, there's really no telling.

Chloe, meanwhile, mashed taters with Ellen.

Mmm, those potatoes look great.

I'll go get Tyler so he can start his green bean casserole.

No! It's too soon.

It's never too soon for green beans.

Oh, no!

Now I have to start all over again.

Well, one good thing about having a dog in the family

is he eats the food off the floor.

-Stan! -No!

You don't need Stan for that.

Not when you have a little girl.

Not off the--

All right, just eat the top layer that didn't touch the floor.

And use a spoon like a lady.

Hey. I, uh...

I just came in because I need a tool for that thing I'm working on out back.

Uhh! If only I had a multi-tool...

Bennett, you're not opening your present early.

But it has a trampoline wrench!

I mean, how many trampolines am I going to build in a lifetime?

This could be it for me!

No, you can't open your present early,

just like I can't open my foot spa,

if that's what you got me, and it better be,

some stores are still open.

All right, fine.

I'll just use my boring, separate pliers that only do one thing--

Plying. Woo-hoo!

Bennett, don't be a plier hater.

-Wow. -Yeah, that's what it's come to.

I think I might have left them by the Christmas tree.

The Christmas tree?

( screaming ) Wait!

-Let's play a game! -Chloe, I can't see.

This is the game. I'll guide you to your pliers.

Go straight.

Oh! Ow!

Chloe, this game isn't fun.

I'm having fun.

I'm growing up

and I won't always want to play these games.

We have to cherish these moments.

You're right. My baby girl is growing up.

Yeah, whatever. Now go straight.

Bend down.

-I got them! ( scoffs ) -You sure did.

Game over. Now get out of here, you crazy so-and-so.

Go! Go! Go!

( sighs )

STAN: The presents were hidden somewhere in the ground.

Before dinner started, they had to be found.

So we dug, and we dug, and we dug-dug-dug-dug.

But all we could find was a ten-legged bug.

With a man's face!

No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Where are the presents? I thought you said they were near the reindeer.

Maybe it was near the gingerbread man,

'cause I was thinking, "Oh, man, I wish I was eating you."

Then I thought, "No, Stan, focus. You need to bury the presents.

Oh, but you'd be so delicious. No, Stan, no!"

So that was my morning.

There's a gingerbread decoration over there.

Oh, he does look delicious-- No, Tyler, no!

Stan, you keep remembering decorations near where you buried the presents--

Snowman, ribbons, reindeer.

We've dug holes all over this park and we still haven't found them.

I have an idea. But it might be too late.

I shouldn't bury the presents.

I have to go back and switch out with Chloe

or Mom and Dad will get suspicious.

Hey, why are you guys digging all these holes?

It's a Christmas tradition where we're from.

In Nova Scotia.

Yeah, that's actually what Nova Scotia means.

It means "dig holes."

It means "New Scotland."

So your need to correct me overtook your need to explain this?

Yes, it did.

Digging holes? That's a weird thing to do.

Now it's time to pile into a giant pair of pants.

It is?

Surely you remember the McCorkin Family Christmas Pants Pile-In.

I mean, every McCorkin knows this.

Uh... uh-- ( stutters ) Of course, it's where...

( repeating ) We all climb into a giant pair of pants to commemorate

the Christmas blizzard of 1913

where the family survived by sewing all their pants together

and then climbing in to share the warmth.

Share the warmth.

You do remember.

Last one in the pants is a rotten leg.

-Yes! -( forced laughter )

Good luck with the crazy pants.

-Yeah, you too. -You mean Mom?

Yeah.

Thanks, Joe.

If you weren't charging me three times

what it would cost to have had the store assemble it,

I would say you have the Christmas spirit.

-ELLEN: Bennett? -Shh!

My wife cannot know that anyone is helping me.

Thanks, Joe. You're the best.

Who's Joe?

Joe?

Uh... is... Joe the light?

Joe the fox? Joe the elf?

Joe the elf!

He's my little helper passing along his workshop know-how

and spreading his elfin magic.

I came out to see how you're doing, and it's not well.

But the trampoline's coming along, so keep it up.

Nice work, Joe.

Oh, what's that, Joe?

Oh. ( chuckles ) You scoundrel. She's taken.

( laughs ) Joe.

Thanks, buddy.

I bet this happens all the time.

You probably have a lot of stories.

It's okay. We don't have to be friends.

I was just hoping.

Oh. Have you seen Chloe?

Oh, she finished her potatoes, so it's my turn to do the green beans.

Okay, well, you get started on those green beans.

I'm going to get started on my "mistle-tofu"

and my "crispy duck the halls."

( mock laughs ) Good tidings one, Ellen.

Why are you washing the green beans one at a time?

Certainly not to stall for any reason, you crazy pants.

Thank you. You know, when you take a fashion risk,

you want it to be noticed. Thanks.

So why are you washing them one at a time?

Oh, it's called micro-cooking. It's much healthier.

-I've never heard of it. -I'll send you a web page about it.

Note to self-- Make a web page about micro-cooking.

Other note to self-- Get a voice recorder.

Has anyone seen a small bag of washers?

-What, Joe couldn't find them for you? -Who's Joe?

Uh-- He's a friendly Christmas elf on loan from Santa's workshop.

Just slid down a candy cane from the clouds

to help your dad with a project.

Oh, okay.

I love you, son. I'm gonna go check the family room.

The family room? Wait!

Let's play a game.

What is it with you and your sister?

Shh! Cherish these moments.

STAN: With the presents still missing, we shouldn't delay,

but the Christmas Pants Pile-in was well underway.

♪ ...ride in a one horse open sleigh ♪

( loudly ) Avery!

We're cousin Ruth's grandkids, we're from Nova Scotia

and we dig holes for Christmas.

That all makes sense. Where's Stan?

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy new year ♪

( cell phone beeps )

Tyler says he's almost done with his green bean casserole

and he's running out of ways to stall.

We need to find those presents.

Stan, we've dug by the gingerbread man,

the snowman, the reindeer, the candy cane and nothing.

I'm sorry, guys. I'm racking my brain here,

but remember, my brain's the size of a baby's fist.

-No, it's not. -How am I supposed to know that?

My brain's the size of a baby's fist.

Guys, look at this.

Snowman, reindeer, candy cane-- It's all on this wrapping paper.

Stan, could you have buried our gifts in this pile of presents?

Chloe, do you actually think I'd be that--

Yeah, that's exactly what I did.

This is great.

We'll go grab our gifts and sneak out of here

before anyone even notices.

Uh-uh-uh, it's not time yet.

But I do have something for you.

Cousin Ruth is here and she's so excited to see you.

-What? -Oh, wow, our grandma is here.

And she's coming over.

-What are we gonna do? -I don't know.

Ivan stopped us from going through the gifts

and now we have an old lady to dodge.

We have to think fast.

Okay, maybe not that fast.

Ruth is almost here. Do you know what you're going to say?

I don't feel good about lying to our grandmother.

She's not really our grandmother.

Hey, if I'm going to lie, it has to be real to me.

Ruth, look. It's Ruth.

You're not Ruth. I'm Ruth.

I'm Ruth, too. Ask Ruth.

That's the truth, Ruth.

Now go get some eggnog, you crazy so and so.

Mom took Dad to the chiropractor.

His back went out when someone jumped on him.

I am getting big.

( scoffs ) The gifts are in here.

Let's find them and get out of here before Ruth realizes what just happened.

Oh, wow, Grandma made it. Hi, Grandma.

-Oh! I found my tablet! -I found my cell phone!

I found my game system. They're all right here.

All right, McCorkins, they're here.

Time to give all the gifts to these deserving kids

from the Toyless Tots charity.

I think we know what we should do.

Merry Christmas!

-Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas.

STAN: They gave out every toy, every dingle zog-zogger.

Dr. Seuss makes up words, why not a dog blogger?

( gasps ) We've been robbed! The gifts are all gone!

Well, it better not have been Joe.

The Christmas elf?

I'm calling the police.

On the Christmas elf?

Don't call the police. We took the gifts.

We gave them away to kids who needed them more than we did.

We heard about a charity gift drive in the park

and we realized

we don't need presents to have a merry Christmas.

-We just need to be together. -Oh.

Thanks, Stan.

You are the best, most wonderful kids.

You really understand what Christmas is all about.

-It's 'cause you're a great mom. -You're the parenting expert.

-Well, I do most of the work. -'Course, I'm the primary parent.

( parents talking over each other )

Should we tell them that we also gave away their gifts?

Let's just ride this wave as long as it lasts.

STAN: Without presents that night, there was singin' and huggin'.

It all worked out fine, so why are ya buggin'?

Well, why are ya?

I'm not buggin'. You buggin'.

Now finish this up so we can go to bed.

Later that night, Santa came on his sleigh

and left the same gifts the kids just gave away.

He was no doubt impressed by their holiday chutzpah.

( reading )

And I'm glad to report Robert's family was stylin',

'cause later they did their own Christmas Pants Pile-in.

Merry Christmas, everyone.