Original subtitles

Guys, for tonight's dinner I have a surprise for you.

I've taken another cooking class and I think this time

you're really going to like the result.

Mom taking another cooking class

is like giving a chimp another archery lesson.

It's not going to turn out better the second time.

We're all very excited, honey!

Put some ice in your mouths.

It'll numb the taste buds.

And if that doesn't work,

pretend this isn't happening and you're somewhere else.

Are you ready to eat?

I'm at the water park.

Whee!

STAN: Ahh, here comes the part

where they scrape their plates under the table

and I get to eat it.

When I'm somewhere I don't want to be,

I imagine I'm right here.

Whee!

Our dinner of beef bourguignon is about to begin-gnon.

( laughs) Good one, Ellen.

Or should I say, "Well done, Ellen."

It's actually medium rare but it was worth it for the joke.

Isn't anyone gonna eat?

Fine, I'll do it.

It's been a good seven years.

Remember me.

Wow! This is good!

Wait.

You're not just trying to sucker us in, are you?

Tongue out.

Up, down, side. Side.

She's clean.

Except for some plaque.

Are you flossing like Dr. Lasky told you to?

Wow, this is amazing.

Did I just walk into the wrong house for dinner?

Because I've done that before.

You know what my problem was?

I've been cooking by taste.

It turns my taster's off.

So this time I just followed the recipe exactly

instead of riffing on it like a jazz artist--

bippity boppity, blah, blah-- paprika.

So this is how dinner will always be?

I can finally start to grow!

STAN: Hey, where's my floor food?

What am I gonna vomit up and eat later on?

No leftovers?

I'll show you.

I'll start photobombing all your precious family pictures.

It might look something like this.

Avery, stop whatever you're doing. This is important.

STAN: This is where Tyler reminded Avery

he had to choose between going out with Nikki or Emily.

And he chose Emily first before realizing the mistake,

which made Nikki really mad.

And this is where Avery said "I know, Tyler.

I was there for all that."

I know, Tyler. I was there for all that.

Then you know how much Nikki means to me.

Come on, you know, that would have never lasted.

You thought Emily was so great and you got rid of her.

Yeah, for Nikki!

And what happens when someone better than Nikki comes along?

There's someone better than Nikki?

How awesome would that be?

No, there's no one better than Nikki.

Tyler, you had your chance with Nikki and you blew it.

You might as well just get over it and move on.

Like you did after you blew your chance with Wes?

That's totally different!

I've determined through a very scientific system

that Wes and I are meant to be together.

Dang it! Not again.

Well, Nikki and I are meant to be together.

But she won't talk to me,

she won't return any of my texts,

and when I see her in public and say "Nikki, what's up?"

She just whips her hair around in a mean

but still very attractive way.

You're one of her best friends.

You have to get her to forgive me.

Tyler, you're my brother, she's my friend.

Are you really asking me to get in the middle

of some awkward situation between you two?

Yes, would you?

No! I will not talk to her for you.

When things go wrong,

the person in the middle always ends up

with everyone else mad at them.

I don't want to become the recipient of that mean,

but attractive hair whip.

Yes, I've noticed it, too.

Nothing will go wrong with me and Nikki.

This is difference.

It's already gone wrong.

She said she didn't want to hang out

with me this afternoon because you'd be here.

Yearn!

That's my dart, that's for me!

I'm counting it!

Yes!

Thank you, Tyler, for helping me with Wes.

We're back.

Bought a couple of things at the cooking store.

That's okay, I got it.

Honey, why do you need a blender,

a juicer, a smoothie maker,

and a food processor?

Aren't they all basically the same thing?

If they were the same thing,

they wouldn't have different names.

I'm pretty sure.

Well, all I can say is last night after dinner,

my stomach was pumped and not by a paramedic,

I mean in a good way.

"Oh, yeah! It stayed down!"

That's okay, I got it.

Hey, Stan.

Hey, Eggs Benedict Arnold.

I don't get that.

Well you see, Benedict Arnold was a Revolutionary War traitor

and eggs benedict is a chichi breakfast dish

served with hollandaise sauce.

So what I did there was I combined them to imply

that you're a food traitor.

Ohhhh.

Let's start over.

Hey, Eggs Benedict Arnold.

Hey, that's hurtful.

Yeah, it is. I didn't get any leftovers.

You and the rest of those table jockeys hogged all the food.

Tonight I'll slip you a little something under the table.

I don't want a little something.

I want what I used to get.

All of it.

You see my problem here, Eggs?

We can't give you all of it, Stan.

Now that it's good, we want some food.

"We want some food."

Do you even hear how selfish you sound?

I can't even look at you.

Why don't you go ahead and pet behind my ears?

Will Wes ask me out.

What!

Will Wes ask me out?

Come on, I thought I wrote "yes" on all these!

Okay, okay.

Wes won't ask me out, right?

You don't know Wes like I do!

Avery, Tyler's not here, is he?

Oh, no, he left

because my Student Tolerance Club is coming over.

He hates them and the Tolerance Club hates him.

The irony is delicious, isn't it?

( laughs)

To me. To me.

I don't know what to do about Tyler.

I really liked him, and maybe I still do.

But when he picked Emily first, it really hurt me.

And now I'm just so confused.

Should I give him another chance?

Nikki, you're my friend, Tyler's my brother.

I don't want to get in the middle.

Just do whatever feels right to you.

I don't know what feels right.

This is all so new to me.

I've never been confused about boys.

I've never been picked second.

Not even for softball, and I don't know how to play.

Please, Avery.

You're my friend, I really need your help.

Okay, fine.

You know, I probably shouldn't be saying any of this,

but you dodged a bullet.

Tyler just goes from girl to girl.

And you would have ended up getting hurt

when he left you for someone better.

There's someone better than me?

The point is,

Tyler's probably in the park right now

doing tricks on his bike to impress the next girl

whose heart he's gonna break.

Having him as a boyfriend would be

a horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible--

- Wait, how many is that? - Four.

Horrible mistake.

You're right.

That is just what I needed to hear.

Thanks to you, I am going to get over Tyler and move on.

That fifth "horrible" really drove the point home.

Will I find the perfect boy?

- "Yes." - Oh, that's for me!

I'm counting it! Yes!

Thank you, Nikki, for helping me with Wes.

Look, this is just what I told Nikki!

He's already moving on to the next girl.

I wonder which one of those unlucky contestants

will be his girlfriend by the end of the day.

Will it be Giggly? Clappy?

Or Thumbs-up Gal?

( laughing )

Ah, here it comes, one of Tyler's classic moves.

He's gonna do a bike trick,

and then fall on to one of them so she has to catch him

as he puts his arm around her.

"Whoa, thanks.

Can I buy you a smoothie for saving my life?"

He didn't flirt with them. That's weird.

I'm gonna go talk to him.

I'm gonna go cheer up Tyler's rejects by letting them pet me.

It's one of those "everybody wins" situations.

Hey, Tyler, those were some pretty cute girls.

What happened to the "fall and hug"?

What?

Oh, you mean the "trip and trap."

I told you, all I can think about is Nikki.

I thought maybe if I rode my bike a little,

it'd clear my head.

But it's not working.

( playing music )

Great, and now they're playing our song.

Circus music is your song?

It's the fro-yo cart.

It would always come by our house

on the way to passing Nikki's

and I'd text her

and we'd meet in the middle and get fro-yo.

It was our thing.

But now that's the saddest song I've ever heard.

Tyler, I know you told me that you're hung up on Nikki,

but it's just not like you to actually...

have feelings.

I know. Where did they come from and how do you get rid of them?

Do you feel feelings all the time?

Yeah.

I am so sorry.

You know, I've heard the expression "heartbroken,"

but I never thought it was real.

And my heart actually hurts.

And my stomach. And my head.

I'm "everything-broken," Avery.

STAN: Oh, man, Clappy really knows how to get into the undercoat.

So I got your text that Tyler's not here

and you wanted to talk to me.

Oh, thanks again for that wonderful advise.

I really feel like I'm starting to move on.

About that...

I may have made a horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible--

- Wait, how many did I say before? - Five.

Horrible mistake.

You need to give Tyler another chance.

Avery, you told me not to go out with him.

Now you're telling me I should.

We have an expression in my country:

don't change airplanes before they land.

And also, don't change airplanes in Chicago.

O'Hare's a mess.

I've never seen Tyler like this before.

He actually has feelings for you.

I didn't even think he could have feelings.

I wrote a paper on him for my abnormal psychology project

called "The Boy Who Only Loved His Hair."

I got an A.

He got a home visit.

Avery, I came to you because I was confused

and you helped me.

Because of you, I decided to forget about Tyler.

I'm trying to move on,

but now you're confusing me again.

No, you can't forget about Tyler because of me.

I don't want that. Tyler's my brother.

So are you talking to me

as Tyler's sister or as my friend?

This is why I didn't want to get in the middle!

Then maybe you shouldn't have!

Tyler is wrong and I'm right!

Wait a minute,

there's a reason he went to Emily first

and wasn't sure he could trust that you really liked him.

You weren't interested in him till he had a girlfriend.

Ah! So you are taking his side!

I'm taking the side that you should give him another chance"!

I just can't let things go when they're wrong.

And this has been bothering me since you came in.

Stupid thread.

Ah!

Let me fix that.

Sweater vests are in.

Show off those arms, girl.

You don't know when to butt out.

( speaking in foreign language )

STAN: I know absolutely no Spanish, but I can infer

from the situation that she's saying,

"Your dog is remarkably handsome and..."

( speaking in foreign language )

"Smart."

The Master Chef is home to cook dinner!

Yay! Heat it up!

I thought that could be your new catch phrase.

Actually, my belly came up with it.

Heat it up!

Now, heat up is too microwavey.

Ah. I thought it was good, buddy.

How about "It's on!"?

"It" could be the heat, or what I'm doing with it.

Either way, "It's on!"

I like yours better.

Well, this is usually when I have my secret pre-dinner.

I don't know what to do with myself.

Oh, I should probably tell Linda at the diner I'm okay.

She worries.

If I'm gonna have a catchphrase, I should probably have a theme song.

♪ I'm on, he's on, you're on, she's on ♪

♪ They're on, we's on ♪

♪ It's on! ♪

The heat or what I'm doing with it.

STAN: Now to sabotage the meal.

Twice as long equals twice as bad.

- Casual. Casual. Casual. - Hi, Stan.

Totally worked.

Add a pinch of bay leaves.

And a handful of elm leaves I found in the yard.

Stan?

Still casual.

Is something going on?

You were in that chair, now you're in this chair.

But you look so casual.

Exactly.

I've crawled into your mind and set up a tent.

A casual tent.

And now to add some seasoning.

Sweaty tube socks.

Picked fresh from Tyler's gym bag,

delivered straight to your table.

Now with errant Band-Aid.

( speaking in foreign language )

Nikki! Calm down.

I have no idea what you're saying.

When I get upset, I rant in Spanish.

Which is what I was just saying to you in Spanish.

When you're ready to stop taking Tyler's side

and be my friend again, let me know.

Nikki, what's up?

Hmm.

Wow! That hear whip really is mean but attractive.

So what was she doing here? Did she say anything about me?

Well, sort of.

She said some things about you, about me,

about how I don't know when to butt out.

I also think you don't know when to butt out.

We have so much in common.

Wait, why does she think you don't know when to butt out?

When I saw that you really were hurting,

I wanted to tell her that I was wrong about what I said before.

What did you say before?

Before today, I've said so many things.

I talk a lot, if you haven't noticed.

Frequently on the subject of current events.

That omnibus bill stuck in the Senate right now--

Avery!

What did you say?

Okay, I may have made

a horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible--

- Wait, how many was that? - Two?

Okay, I definitely know it's not that.

The point is, I made a mistake.

STAN: And this is where Avery told Tyler

that she told Nikki not to go out with him.

Then she told Nikki to go out with him.

But Nikki was determined to move on

they got in a big argument,

and now she's really mad at Avery.

Ah! Why did I do that?

I don't know my own strength.

Or the weakness of today's sweaters.

You've ripped the sleeves off my heart.

Your sweater will be okay, but what about my heart sleeves?

So we actually had a shot with Nikki

when she talked to you the first time,

and you blew it for me.

I'm sorry, Tyler.

I tried to change her mind back, but she's moving on.

You're a terrible sister

and I'll never forgive you for this!

This is why I didn't want to get in the middle!

Then maybe you shouldn't have!

That's exactly what Nikki said.

We have so much in common.

I'm so mad at you for what you said to Nikki.

I'm not talking to you.

You talked to me to tell me that.

I can do whatever I want. I'm the mad one.

As I always say, "It's on!"

All right, stomach.

Are you ready for this?

Oh, I'm ready, Chloe.

Sweetheart, that's Daddy's bit.

STAN: Excellent. Now I'm just waiting for the food

to drop like a ball on New Year's Eve.

Ten, nine, eight...

( all spitting )

What? What's wrong? It's not good?

Maybe the guy standing in the corner likes it.

STAN: Happy New Year.

Oh no, you're feeding it to the dog again.

I don't understand. I followed the recipe exactly.

Why was tonight different?

Stan.

Hon, maybe the real question is why was last night different?

Maybe last night was a fluke.

No, tonight was the fluke.

I'm gonna try again tomorrow and you'll see.

I'm gonna make a great meal.

You're right. I'm gonna go to the diner-- not to eat,

just to tell Linda about how great

tomorrow night's dinner's gonna be.

Hey, kids, do you want to come with me?

I love Aunt Linda!

And I'm gonna go look up recipes for tomorrow.

STAN: Don't worry, I'm gonna ruin that, too.

- Oh, did I say that out loud? - What?

Oh, I guess I didn't say it out loud.

It was "Don't worry, I'm gonna ruin that, too."

No way, Stan.

I'm not letting you ruin tomorrow night's dinner.

Fine, then we'll see who wins.

Loser says "what?"

- ( mumbles ) - What?

- Ha! - Dang it!

( chuckles) I'm in second grade.

♪ I'm on, he's on, you're on, she's on ♪

♪ They's on, we's on ♪

♪ It's on! ♪

Chloe.

Stan.

Hi, Chloe.

Hi, Mommy.

Oh, isn't that cute?

STAN: Add a little fur.

No!

No, what?

♪ Nobody knows ♪

♪ The trouble I've seen ♪

All right.

Have you seen Tyler today?

He really isn't feeling well.

He says his stomach hurts, he can't eat.

I think it's going to be a while

before he recovers from this one.

He said he was "inside sad" --

like a chimp who can communicate.

STAN: Oh no, Tyler must have gotten sick from the food

I sabotaged last night.

Well, I'm gonna head out into the garage

and organize my drill bits and wrenches and stuff--

I don't hide food out there or anything.

Well, Bennett, save room.

Dinner's gonna be good tonight.

It is still very much on!

Chloe, what have I done?

Messing with Ellen's cooking made Tyler sick.

No, Stan, he's not jacked up 'cause of the food,

he's jacked up 'cause of Nikki.

Oh, wow, I'm so glad my sabotage didn't hurt Tyler.

But it could have. What was I doing?

You were being a dog. You like table scraps,

kind of makes sense.

No, no, no, you can't let me off the hook like that.

At least give me a "bad dog" or something.

Bad dog, Stan!

Whoa! That was a little harsh, Chloe.

Where did that come from?

( playing music )

TYLER: Nikki, I have to talk to you.

Don't run away...

and don't attractively mean-whip your hair.

I'll just yell for the whole park to hear.

Fine. What?

I was sitting at my house

and the fro-yo cart came by playing that song,

and I wanted to text you so bad,

because that's what we used to do when we were friends.

And I miss that so much.

I don't even care if you don't want to be my girlfriend.

Well, okay, I care 'cause I'm not stupid and you're great.

But I can't stand not having you in my life.

Even if I can't be your boyfriend,

I want us to be friends again.

Oh, Tyler.

So we're friends again?

No, I don't want to be your friend.

Then why would you hug someone and kiss them like that

if you didn't want to be their-- Ooh.

( playing music )

Oh, they're playing our song.

( both laughing )

Oh, good.

I thought you guys would be in here.

I heard your song.

( hums circus music )

Hey, thanks, Avery, for trying to help.

Yes, thank you, Avery. I'm very happy.

I'm happier.

I'm happier.

You couldn't be happier than me.

You couldn't be happier than me.

Oh, what have I done?

Horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible...

BOTH: Aah!

Horrible.

STAN: So, Tyler and Nikki figured out

what's important to them,

and I remembered what's important to me.

Not the food passed to me under the table,

but the people sitting around it.

So what do you think?

I finally got so bored following the recipes,

I had to go back to my jazz cooking ways.

Bippity-bop-bop-bop, cilantro.

Oh, yeah. You did it again, hon.

Another great meal, mom.

We should tell Linda about it!

- Yes. - Oh, yeah.

Now that I'm dating Nikki. I have something to live for.

Oh, we'll tell Linda. She's been rooting for you guys.

Well, Stan, I guess it's just you and me.

You want some table scraps?

Way ahead of you.

Just push all the food in front of me and turn your back.

This is not gonna be pretty.