Original subtitles

I am ready for our family meeting. What's our agenda?

Fooling your brother and sister into coming to a family meeting.

Tyler, Chloe, there's a clown in the kitchen.

Is he juggling? Does he have a bucket of confetti?

There's no clown here. It's a trap, Tyler! Run for it!

Okay, family meeting has begun.

Your father and I want to take a fun family trip over the long weekend,

and we're open to ideas.

( high-pitched voice ) I say we go camping.

( normal voice ) That is a great idea, family member.

Can't I just spend the weekend hanging out with my friends instead of my family?

I mean, no offense, it's just that I like my friends.

It'll be great. I've always wanted to try camping.

( high-pitched voice ) We could pick berries.

( normal voice ) Yes, we could, family member.

Yeah, hon, I'm not so sure about camping. I prefer more of a cabin.

With a king size bed and room service and a spa.

More of a hotel. Yeah, it's a hotel.

I know where we should go! The Space Museum.

It has interactive displays and a planetarium show.

You lost me at "snoozefest."

-I didn't say "snoozefest." -Yes you did.

Okay, well, it may be educational, but the Space Museum is in New Mexico,

so, we'd have to stay at the five-star resort next door.

Ah, the sacrifices we make to educate our children.

I vote snoozefest-- uh, massage-- uh, Space Museum.

I choose camping. At least that's not educational.

Well, actually, being outdoors can teach you all about--

I'm on your side, Dad. Do you want to lose me?

You'll learn nothing, son. It'll be just like the 10th grade.

Well, that's Tyler and me for camping,

and Avery and Ellen for Space Museum.

Chloe, looks like you're the deciding vote.

This is a tough one.

Well, you don't have to tell us now. Think about it and let us know.

Yeah, don't be influenced by which parent gives the best piggyback rides,

and which parent says, "Ow, you're pulling my clavicle!"

She has chimp strength in those little hands.

I gotta think about this and get it right.

Not like the time I went for Froyo, panicked at all the choices

and just got water.

How did that happen?

( theme song plays )

Oh man, I really hope Chloe chooses the Space Museum.

Can I let you in on a little secret, Stan?

You always do. Sometimes, in even greater detail than I want.

I was content to think the hair magically disappeared from your upper lip.

The real reason I'm dying to go to the Space Museum

is because Wes is going to be there.

( gasps ) Seeing him outside of school

would give me a chance for a whole new start with him.

And a chance to meet his parents,

so I won't have learned all about duck calls

to bond with his dad for nothing.

Oh, hey, Mr. Manning!

( makes duck call )

Then I definitely hope Chloe picks the Space Museum.

And for me too.

I want to learn about how during the 50s and 60s,

the Soviets used dogs for sub-orbital and orbital space flight

to test the feasibility of human travel.

Not everything I say is amusing or silly. Sometimes, it's educational.

That's great, Stan. And here is the best part.

If we go to the Space Museum, our hotel doesn't allow dogs,

so, you'll get to stay at this fantastic kennel I found for you.

But I hate kennels! They're cold, they're loud,

and they only have basic cable.

Professional wrestling storylines don't stop because I'm not watching.

This isn't just a typical kennel.

I've done a lot of research, and this place is like a resort for dogs.

But a kennel, Avery, a kennel!

Sometimes, when I get upset I say words over and over again.

Over and over again, Avery, over and over again!

They've got pools and play spaces and other dogs to run around with.

You know I wouldn't put you somewhere that wasn't great.

Really? What about the time you left me alone

with that crazy woman who hates dogs?

-Mom? -Yes!

I do not like kennels. Sure, they're fine for regular dogs,

but there's no one for me to talk to in there.

They wouldn't stick Avery, Chloe, or Tyler

in a kennel, would they?

Well, maybe Tyler.

She really wants to do it this way?

Well, she doesn't have much power in the family.

I thought this would make her feel good.

I have made my decision!

Why couldn't we have gone here?

Are you kidding?

The woods are great!

I'm so glad that Chloe picked it.

It's like a huge backyard with an infinite number of trees to pee on.

I finally understand the expression,

"The world is my toilet."

That's not an expression.

Well, it should be.

Hey, and look at Robert over there.

Swinging from tree to tree enjoying the fresh air.

Don't climb too high, Robert!

He can't. I put him up there.

Man, this is boring. But it's still better than the museum.

At least I haven't learned anything.

Tyler, don't touch that, it's poison ivy!

I told you, I don't want to learn!

Bennett, we've only been here 10 minutes and I've already sweated a back face.

( panting )

Please tell me there are showers up here somewhere.

Sure. There are communal showers two campsites over.

You know I don't do communal showers!

People get uncomfortable when they see my gigantic loofah.

I knew camping was a bad idea.

Wow. You're right, Daddy,

she did start complaining even before we put the stuff down.

Okay, Chloe, let's set up the camp site while I explain to you

the meaning of the phrase "just between you and me."

Bad news, hon. There are no fish living in that lake.

That's all right. We'll just eat some of the food we brought.

Where's the ice chest you packed?

I told Tyler to put it in the car.

You did?

That's okay. We'll just drive 20 minutes into town and buy some food.

Where's my wallet?

That's all right. I have plenty of money in my purse.

That's okay. We'll have a nice hike,

forage for food, and after a long, rewarding day,

we can snuggle up in that deluxe tent I bought.

Ellen: How do you buy a tent without poles?

Bennett: For the 100th time, the sign at the yard sale said,

"Tent - no poles." I thought that meant it didn't need them.

-Avery: I'm hungry. -Bennett: Just be patient.

The raw spaghetti those nice campers gave us

should be expanding in our stomachs any time now.

Chloe, what are you chewing?

Chloe: Nothing.

Avery: (gasps) She has Gummy Bears!

Avery and Tyler: Get her!

( all yelling )

Well, after two miserable days up here,

I can say the one good thing about having forgotten the food

is it's not as big a problem that we also forgot the toilet paper.

Why did I choose camping?

I can't even get any cell phone reception out here.

If I send a text in the woods and no one receives it, do I even exist?

I just had the loveliest walk.

Well, for someone who's been scrounging for food

for two days and sleeping in a ground tent,

you're in a good mood.

I realized no one here cares how I look or smell.

And then it happened, Bennett, I embraced my funk.

It's liberating!

Well, I'm glad someone here is happy.

Is that lichen growing on you?

And I'm taking a lichen to it.

Ha-ha, good one, Gaia.

That's what I'm calling myself now.

Okay, let's get you into the shade.

The heat is not doing good things to your funk, Guy.

-Gaia. -I know, but you smell like a dude.

I can't believe I could be at the Space Museum right now,

accidentally on purpose running into Wes.

"Oh. Hey, Wes. Small world." ( chuckles )

"And if you join me for the planetarium show,

"we'll find out just how small it is. Shall we?"

So, it wasn't about learning?

You wanted to go to the Space Museum to scam a date?

Today, you are my sister.

You know, this is all your fault, Chloe.

I can't believe you picked camping.

Don't be mad at me. Be mad at Stan.

He told me there'd be wise owls and animals who could sing.

I didn't really believe it, but a part of me still hoped.

I am a little kid.

Wait. Stan? You convinced Chloe to pick this?

What? No. How could you think I--

Yeah, I totally did that.

You tricked me, Stan.

There are no wise owls here.

I saw an owl last night. And he was stupid!

Stan, you knew how much I wanted to go to the museum and connect with Wes.

Why would you do that to me?

You were going to put me in a kennel when I said how much I hate that.

Why would you do that to me?

I wish we had put you in a kennel, Stan.

I'd rather be at the hotel by the Space Museum

having a spa day with Mom!

Yeah, that's right. That's how unhappy I am right now!

Oh, so, you're all turning on me, now huh? Thanks a lot.

You always told me we were friends.

Yeah, well, friends don't trick each other and ruin each other's chances

to have a whole new start with Wes!

Well, do friends put each other in kennels?

Stan, you're not always going to be able to do everything with us.

You have to accept that!

I can't believe you don't care how much I wanted to see Wes.

Well, you don't care how much I didn't want to go to the kennel.

You're just like every other selfish teenage girl

who puts her own needs before her friends!

Well, you're not a regular friend. You're a dog!

You guys! You guys, wake up. Tyler, Chloe, Stan is gone!

-What? -What do you mean?

I think he ran away.

I've looked all around. I can't find Stan anywhere.

That doesn't mean he ran away. Maybe he just wandered off.

Or went for a walk. Or rode a skateboard. Or drove a car.

Those are all things he's done, so maybe he's doing one of them again.

No, he ran away.

He left his collar next to my pillow for me to find it.

It must be because of our fight. I told him he's not a regular friend.

He's a dog. And you know how sensitive he is about being thought of as just a dog.

It's just, he called me a selfish teenager

and I just said the most hurtful thing I could think of.

( sighs ) How could I have done that?

It's okay, Avery, we'll find him. We have all day.

He'll be okay. There are no dangerous animals around here.

Okay, kids. I am done with this nature thing.

Let's pack up, we're leaving.

I do not know what made me think I'm an outdoorsman.

I'm an indoorsman. And a pretty darn good one.

I'm going to miss being one with nature.

A caterpillar's moved into the moss that's growing in my knee creases.

I'm my own ecosystem.

You guys, we can't leave yet. Stan is missing.

He must've wandered off.

Okay. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. We'll find him.

Your mom and I'll check the other campsites in this direction,

you kids search around this area. Come on, Ellen.

Oh wow, I think my caterpillar has turned into a butterfly

and left me a pupa. I'm the mother of butterflies, Bennett.

Oh, great. Another moth to feed.

Come on, guys.

-Stan! -Stan, boy!

-Stan, where are you? -Come here, boy.

All: Stan! Stan!

-Stan! -Here, boy!

Well, it's just you and me, Robert. Avery hates me

Tyler and Chloe are mad at me,

just like every other owner

who eventually betrayed me or abandoned me.

What's that, Robert? You think I have abandonment issues?

Oh, so after three months being lost in the couch cushions,

you were perfectly normal?

Then why do you still wake up screaming, "Crumbs!"?

Well, I guess it's time to go find the next family.

Hey, sorry to intrude, but--

Oh, I remember you from the communal showers.

Good to see you.

Anyhow, we lost our dog. Honey, show them the picture on your phone.

Yeah. Yes, I know, I'm dirty and gross.

The campers at the last campsite thought I was feral and tried to educate me.

But we're missing our dog. Have you seen him?

Oh, come on, you can stand the stench for two seconds.

I shared a flat tent with her last night.

You promised to love me 'til death do us part.

You smell a couple days past death.

See you later.

Please, please, please tell me you found him.

Ah, I'm sorry, kids. We didn't.

We didn't find him either. Not even Mountain Man could find him,

and he can track anything!

Kids, we've looked everywhere and we stayed all day. It's time to go.

No. We can't leave without Stan.

Honey, your father has work. You kids have school.

Don't rush back for me.

My teachers all say I seem like I'm a hundred miles away,

so, I might as well be.

Listen, we talked to the rangers at the station.

They said they find lost dogs all the time.

We're doing everything we can.

Yeah, they'll find Stan and they'll call us.

Now come on, we're packing up our stuff and getting in the car.

No, I'm not getting in the car with you.

I don't want to get in the car with your mother either.

What if we tie you to the front bumper like a deer

and drive you through a car wash?

I'm game. ( chuckles ) Good one, Ellen.

Not the time, not the time.

We can't leave without Stan, he's part of the family.

Don't worry, Avery. People will see this picture and find Stan for the reward.

Sweetie, we don't have five gazillion dollars.

Happy?

Hey there, pup.

What's your name?

Don't have your collar, huh?

Nope. Traveling light.

Well, I'm Bill. And I'll call you, Hachtooshta.

That's beautiful. Is that a tongue indigenous to these woods?

Sorry, bug flew in my mouth. ( clears throat )

I'm gonna call you Doris Steinberg.

Morris Steinberg.

All right, Morris Steinberg it is.

I guess you could be my new owner.

But this time, I won't talk or get too attached.

I spend a lot of time in these woods. People call me a tree hugger.

Just because I like to hug trees.

But I'll let you in on a little secret.

The trees like it too.

Okay, come here, you.

I have to come to you? All right.

Ahhh!

Okay, I'm not judging.

But you know what trees like even more than hugging?

Being tickled!

( baby voice ) Yes, you do! ( laughing )

Okay, now I'm judging.

Stan! Stan!

Stan!

I'm sorry, sweetie.

Hey, I promise he's gonna turn up, but we gotta go.

Come on.

( slow acoustic guitar playing )

Stan?

We can't leave Stan back there in the woods. We need a plan.

Just a plan, Avery? Don't you watch movies and TV shows?

What we need is a plan so crazy it just might work.

What if we wrap the house in bacon? He'll smell it and come home.

No, he'd never smell the bacon from all the way out there.

Yes, Tyler. That's what's wrong with that plan.

What if we invent a giant fur magnet

and sweep it through the woods to attract Stan?

What about all the other animals it would attract?

Yes, Chloe. That's what's wrong with that plan.

All we can do is go back and look.

Tyler, you'll drive. Chloe, you'll stay here

and distract our parents so they don't notice we're gone.

How is that so crazy it just might work?

Oh, I'll distract them in a crazy way.

Now I'm comfortable with this.

Here's the next life lesson I want to teach you, Morris Steinberg.

-Pain is only in your head. -( thuds )

And sometimes your foot!

Maybe this wasn't the best choice as new owner.

Oh, who am I kidding? No one would feel like a good choice right now.

No one is Avery, Tyler, and Chloe.

♪ When I look at you I don't think you see ♪

♪ Just how much you mean to me ♪

♪ When I think of you I'm not sure you know ♪

♪ Just how much I love you so ♪

♪ Just how much I love you so ♪

So.

That is just so wrong.

No, no, no, I've made a huge mistake. I've gotta get back to my family.

Come on, Morris Steinberg.

We're breaking camp and hiking to my car so we can drive to Santa Fe.

From there it's on to Washington D.C.,

so I can scream at the Washington Monument.

"What do you have to do with George Washington?

"You look nothing like him!"

Then we'll get a hot dog.

I'm ready to distract Mommy and Daddy.

-Did you guys find Stan yet?... -( Avery indistinct on phone )

Fine, I'll stop interrupting you and send you a text.

Avery: Chloe, you can't text from a home phone.

I know I can't text on the home phone,

but I'm not allowed to have a cell phone so I have to pretend.

My nightmare continues.

Okay, yeah, call us if you hear anything.

Yeah, thanks. We'll check back with you later.

Ah, still no word.

At least they got the missing dog posters we emailed.

Kids are awfully quiet up there. Should we go check on them?

Avery: Tyler, stop bugging me. That is so annoying.

Tyler: You're the one who's being annoying.

Let's go see what's going on.

Avery: I'm sorry, Tyler. I didn't mean it. I'm just a little on edge.

Tyler: I didn't mean it, either. You're a good sister.

Good thing Mom and Dad are leaving us alone to resolve this ourselves.

Avery: I know. It really strengthens our relationship.

All good. T.T.Y.L.

( sighs ) One day.

Come on, Morris Steinberg. What's wrong with you?

I just know the kids must be looking for me.

I can't let him take me to New Mexico. I've gotta stall.

-Stan. Stan! -Stan.

Don't worry, kids. We'll find him.

Stan!

-Avery and Tyler: Stan! -( barking )

That sounded like Stan! Stan!

-Tyler: Stan! -( barking )

Stan!

What are you doing with Morris Steinberg?

No, this is our dog, Stan.

"Stan"? What kind of name is that for a dog?

We've been looking everywhere for him.

In that case, I'm glad you found him. It's for the best anyway.

When I got to New Mexico, I was going to check out the Space Museum,

and I would've had to kennel him.

Goodbye, Morris Steinberg.

Sir, thank you so much for helping us find our dog.

But would you mind giving us a minute alone with him?

Sure, I'll wait for you at the trail head.

And when you're ready, we can walk down and talk about

this little matter of the four gazillion dollars I believe I'm due.

Bill: Goodbye, trees. I'll always love you!

Stan, why would you run away like that?

You told me I was just a dog.

I'm so sorry. I just blurted that out in a moment of anger.

and I've never felt more horrible about anything in my whole life.

Really? Not even about the time

you broke my art project or shaved a stripe in my hair?

Just one second.

Not. Important. Right. Now.

Or the time you viciously arm-spanked me in the woods?

Stan, as bad as it was that I said you were just a dog,

it doesn't mean you should just run away.

But I thought we weren't friends anymore. We never fought like that.

Of course we're still friends. We just had our first big fight.

If you're really friends, you have to stay and work things out.

I didn't know that.

You're the first real friend I've ever had.

Oh my gosh, Stan.

I'll always be your friend no matter what.

We can always work things out.

I'll always be your friend, too.

( kisses )

So, now that I've learned that about friendship,

I should probably go find Robert.

He said some things, I said some things.

He flung some of his stuffing at me. That stuff is nasty.

Well, let's go get the park ranger, he can help us find him.

So, what did Robert say to you?

Well, he's a monkey. So, he said, "Ohh ohh aah aah aah!"

But it was the way that he said it.

Stan: I learned a lot about what it means to be a friend.

Now Avery and I are closer than ever.

And it meant a lot that the kids were willing to be

punished for sneaking out to find me.

Boy, was it great to come home to the family.

( clicks )

I made up with Robert, too.

Now we're closer than we've ever been.

♪ When I think of you I'm not sure you know ♪

♪ Just how much I love you so ♪

♪ Just how much I love you so ♪

( boing )