Original subtitles

- ELLEN: Close your eyes. - Okay.

Open them.

- ( meows ) - Oh!

Do not hold a cat in the face of someone

who startles easily.

What is wrong with you?

Well, you shouldn't have closed your eyes.

- You told me to. - It's an expression.

"You can't win 'em all" is an expression.

"Close your eyes" is a command.

Well, you can't win 'em all.

And please tell me you did not get a cat.

Ellen, you know you're not an animal person.

No, I'm not a dog, bird, turtle, lizard,

snake, gerbil, hamster, ferret, goat, sheep,

cow, chicken, rabbit, rooster, pigeon, horse,

Clydesdale horse, miniature horse,

sea horse, donkey, mule, or kangaroo person.

But I am a cat person.

Well, that's true.

Cats are the one animal

you have not engaged in combat with.

Wait a minute, kangaroo?

Incident at the zoo. He threw the first punch.

Anyway this cat is only here for a couple of days.

I'm cat-sitting for a friend.

Mmm... She is cute.

Let's call her Marjorie.

She already has a name. Whiskers.

And Marjorie? Really?

You want to name the cat after my mother?

I don't know.

I saw the claws and the arrogant detachment,

and I thought of her.

What is that cat doing here?

( gasps ) Stan will freak out

if he sees a cat in the house.

Are you not thinking straight?

Did that kangaroo beat you senseless?

Avery, that whole thing about dogs hating cats

is just a common misconception.

Like that a kangaroo

will let you put anything in its pouch.

So you've forgotten

what Stan did that time a cat got in the house?

- ( barking ) - (screeching )

Still think it was a good idea

to feed the neighborhood stray?

No.

it was a bit of a cat-astrophe.

Good one, Ellen.

More like a cat-aclysm.

( laughs ) Oh, good one, Bennett.

Don't you ever do that again.

We have to keep this a secret from Stan!

I hope we're not too late.

Something's not right.

Rotting fish, smelly cheese,

garlic pickle...

we need something stronger to put him off the scent.

Something really rancid.

Oh, Bennett! Your stinky foot!

Good idea!

No, the other one!

Oh, of course!

The left one smells worse.

We don't know why.

Maybe it's the hali-toe-sis.

( laughs ) Good one, Ben-- Never mind.

TOGETHER: Oh!

I just hope this works.

( sniffs )

Nope. False alarm. Just Bennett's foot.

( sniffs again)

Ah, the left one.

Dogs in swimwear. Kinda disturbing.

What's kinda disturbing is that I have that suit.

Is that Rusty?

You think you know a dog.

What kind of weirdos go on these sites?

You do, weirdo.

That's because you sent it to me, weirdo.

That's because I knew you were a weirdo.

- Weirdo. - You're weirder.

Hey.

Just returning your key from the other day

when I walked Stan for you.

Oh, hey, Nikki, thanks.

- ( gasps ) - ( laughs )

What are we laughing at?

- Oh. - Oh. ( laughs )

Dogs wearing swimwear, that is so funny.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to do that. You were just crowding me.

This is really more of a two person bench.

Oh, I landed on my phone.

( phone ringing )

Sweet. You butt-dialed me.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, just sittin' on the floor. Kinda diggin' it.

Thinking about standing up. Haven't quite decided.

Oh, hold on, I'm getting another call.

Hey, Nikki, what's up?

Hi, Tyler.

I'm going to have some of your smoothie.

I bet we have the same favorite flavor.

You like strawberry-banana?

( gags )

Mm-hmm.

The seedy strawberries and slimy bananas

make it so delicious.

Oh, look, here's my favorite part

where it comes back in my mouth

like a little encore.

One time when I was eating spaghetti,

I burped up a whole noodle.

True story.

Nikki, I need to talk to you in the kitchen

about something really embarrassing.

Oh, is this about your one pointy ear?

( chuckles ) It's so cute. It's like you're half an elf.

No, it's not about that.

And why does no one focus on the round ear?

What were you doing in there?

- You were acting like a fool. - I know.

- Drinking a strawberry-banana smoothie. - I know!

- You hate strawberries and bananas. - I know!

- Why are you doing this? - I don't know!

I think I like Tyler.

But Tyler's been chasing after you forever

and you were never interested.

Which is the thing I liked best about you.

What happened?

I think it's--

now that he's with Emily

and he's not trying so hard with me,

I see how great he is.

But he's not great. Trust me.

You were right the first time.

Chloe, we have to keep that cat hidden from Stan.

You know how he hates cats.

It's okay.

He'll like this one once I teach it to talk.

- ( meows ) - Say, "There's the sugar."

Come on, cat, you can do it.

"There's the sugar!"

- Chloe, we know animals don't talk. - ( laughs )

I think it's cute that she thinks animals talk.

Thanks, Nikki.

I think it's cute that you think animals don't talk.

So, what's wrong with your friend Nikki?

I know. She just took my smoothie.

Is she bringing it back?

You don't do that to somebody.

No, I mean it's like she's jealous or something.

Did you two ever go out?

Oh, I see.

You're wondering if you have anything to be jealous about.

Don't worry. Nikki was never my girlfriend.

She's just the girl I always wanted and could never get.

What?

Yeah, you have nothing to worry about, Emily.

I asked her out, like, dozens of times

and she always said no.

So you have, like, a crush on her?

Okay, I said that wrong.

What I meant to say was,

you have nothing to worry about, Emily.

And stop talking.

Okay, you know what?

I don't want you hanging out with Nikki anymore.

- What? - Yeah.

If you want me to be your girlfriend,

she can't be your friend.

Well, I do want you to be my girlfriend.

Okay.

You're cool about this, right?

Yeah, I totally understand.

I'm just mad at myself for telling you too much.

I mean, yeah, I totally understand.

And stop talking.

So then Emily said that if I wanted her to be my girlfriend,

I couldn't be friends with Nikki.

What did you say?

Well, I said I understood,

I mean, I don't want Emily to be upset,

but Nikki's my friend.

It doesn't seem right to do that to a friend.

Plus, Nikki smells really good.

Really good.

As a friend. She smells really good as a friend.

I'm sorry, Tyler,

but once you have a girlfriend,

you shouldn't be smelling another girl.

No matter how much she smells like lilac and cinnamon

and moves like curtains blown by the summer breeze.

Not my words--

the poet laureate of El Salvador.

Lilac and cinnamon!

No wonder I think of Nikki

when I'm eating churros in Mom's bathroom.

Why are you eating churros in Mom's bathroom?

I enjoy eating them in the jacuzzi tub.

Sometimes I just need a Tyler Day.

Ha, I hear that.

On Stan Days,

I just light incense, play music, and cry.

I mean, I chase squirrels and roll around in the mud.

Yeah, that's what I do.

Tyler, you have to tell Nikki you can't be friends anymore.

Yeah, I guess.

I just don't know what I'm gonna say.

Tell her you think of her

when you're eating churros in Mom's bathroom.

That should do the trick.

Whiskers, I understand why you have to hide here

so Stan won't find you.

But why does she have to be in my office

when I'm trying to work?

I'm a cat person.

But not a cat lady.

The difference is the number of cats

and the level of sadness.

Okay. That explains why you're here.

Sort of.

But why does she have to be in my office?

I like petting. I'll pet anything.

Cats, bunnies, old folks, babies,

sometimes the wall.

I may have a problem.

What are you guys doing? You left the door ajar.

Stan could have wandered in.

We need to keep this cat a secret.

Avery, I think you're overreacting.

It's not like Stan is on the prowl

searching for it, or something.

There's something here.

Where is it?

What is it?

Such a sweetie.

A cat!

Oh, boy.

( chuckles )

Just be cool.

Like you've been here the whole time.

A cat, Avery!

A cat! Here in my house!

Okay, I get why you're upset.

But Mom's just cat-sitting for a friend.

It's not like the cat even did anything to you.

Your nose isn't finely tuned like mine,

so you didn't notice,

but it was farting hate into the room.

Maybe you don't understand

how much dogs and cats despise each other.

Okay, Stan, I get it.

You hate cats so much that you're making stuff up.

Hate farts are real!

And so is a dog's loathing of cats.

Okay, I get it.

It's like the Red Sox and the Yankees.

No, it's worse.

Red Sox sometimes become Yankees,

but a dog would never become a cat,

no matter how much money you offer it.

How many times do I have to say I get it?

- How many times have you said it? - I think three.

Then, yeah, that should do it.

It figures that Ellen would be behind this.

She's always saying how she's a cat person.

She even posts pictures of herself online

wearing a cat beard.

And here's a cat with an Ellen beard.

Well, if she's going to bring a cat into the house,

I'm not just going to sit here and blog about it.

I'm gonna do something.

- Hey, little kitty. - ( meows )

Time for me to say goodbye like

in all the poignant animal movies.

Just go!

Get out of here!

What are you waiting for?

Just leave and don't look back!

Ha!

Take your hate stink somewhere else.

And good luck finding a cab this time of night.

Ah, that's nice.

Ah!

What happened?

She's so warm. And so cuddly.

How can something so wrong feel so right?

What do you mean we can't hang out anymore?

Nikki, you're a good friend,

but it makes Emily uncomfortable.

And nothing makes her uncomfortable.

Not even this.

That does not make me uncomfortable either.

- Really? - Yes, I like it very much.

But keeping your arm outstretched

must be uncomfortable for you,

so please stop immediately.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

Emily's my girlfriend

and she doesn't want us being friends.

What do you want?

What choice do I have?

Well, you could break up with Emily.

But then I won't have a girlfriend.

Yes, you will.

No, Nikki, if I break up with my girlfriend,

then I won't have a girlfriend.

Maybe it's different in your country.

Tyler.

You could have another girlfriend.

Yeah, I'm sure I could find someone,

but I don't know who.

And whoever it is

might still have a problem with me being friends with you,

and we'd be right back here.

Tyler, I'm talking about me!

I'll be your girlfriend!

Nikki, Emily doesn't want you to be my friend.

She'll never go for you being my girlfriend.

Wait. Whoa.

My world no longer makes sense!

I'm freaking out, Avery!

Light the incense and crank up my rainy day playlist.

I need a Stan Day.

Stan, what's the matter?

Something horrible. Something truly horrible.

I think I like a cat.

( sobbing )

- What? - I don't know how it happened.

I was lying there.

Then the cat was lying there.

And it felt so good.

It's okay, Stan.

Your thinking on cats is evolving

and there's nothing wrong with that.

The craziest thing just happened to me!

No, the craziest thing just happened to me!

Mine is crazier.

Whatever it is, it's not as crazy as me liking a cat.

Nikki wants to be my girlfriend!

You like a cat?

Yeah. Nikki wants to be your girlfriend?

Yeah!

Okay, it's like the world is spinning off its axis.

The laws of physics no longer apply.

The atomic weight of barium is less than that of lithium!

( snickering )

It's not less than that of lithium.

Not by a long shot.

( laughing )

( clears throat )

So what are you going to do about Nikki?

I don't know. I guess I have to choose between her and Emily.

It's really tough. I mean, things are great with Emily.

We have so much fun together,

and I know what I have with her.

Emily it is.

But Nikki is the one I've always wanted to be with.

I'm thinking maybe now Nikki.

But she was never interested.

How can I trust it?

Maybe she just likes me because I'm unavailable.

Boy, that Emily is a real peach.

But Nikki is Nikki. She's just so Nikki.

Back on the Nikki train. All aboard!

Stan, you're not helping.

Hey, at least you're picking within your species.

I'm cuddling with the enemy.

Oh, look at that.

She's grooming me.

She's so thoughtful. She always puts me first.

Help me, Avery. What should I do?

Tyler, in the couple of years I've known you,

I've compiled a binder with solutions to problems

you might encounter--

as kind of a mental exercise.

It's 400 pages long

and divided into 17 subchapters.

Two girls liking you is not in there.

Ow! My finger is stuck in the pinchy thing.

Oh, that's on page three.

So what should I do about Emily and Nikki?

Tyler, I'm glad you came to me.

I have studied the cognitive process of

decision making extensively

from a psychological standpoint,

and I've concluded that the human mind

will make the wrong decision half the time.

You might as well take this coin and toss it in the air.

Heads is Nikki and tails is Emily.

You know, Ellen was heads.

( inhales )

Sometimes I wonder whatever happened to tails.

Never break up with a girl, Tyler.

It hurts them too much.

You may think that you can say it in a way

that will cushion the blow, but you can't.

Oh, I've heard them all.

"It's not you, it's me," "It's pretty much you,"

"It's definitely you,"

"The security camera says it was you."

One is as painful to hear as the next.

But you don't know heartache

until you've been dumped by a boy's entire family.

They just surrounded their son

and screamed at me in Portuguese.

( speaking in foreign language )

"Leave now, crazy woman."

Tyler, I had to choose between two dolls once.

I couldn't decide which I wanted more,

so I put both their heads on one body.

You should do that.

Amy likes scones.

Wanda likes biscuits.

Tea parties are cray.

( clang )

Everyone! I made my decision!

Also, I found a gong.

Thank you all for your advice.

I've thought about this long and hard.

And I know which girl I want to be with.

Oh, that's great, Son. Who's the lucky girl?

Well, who's the girl you chose?

Which one is lucky might be a matter of opinion.

It's only fair I tell her first.

As I present her this.

( whispers ) Flip the coin.

( whispers ) Don't hurt her.

( whispers ) Two heads.

I choose you.

What do you mean, you choose me? For what?

Oh, right, you don't even know.

Nikki wants to be my girlfriend,

so I've been wrestling with it,

asking everyone for advice.

But I finally decided what to do.

I choose you.

You're such a jerk.

Maybe you didn't hear me. I choose you.

I can't believe you were thinking about dumping me.

But I choose you?

Ow. Thorns.

I thought everything was going so great between us.

It was. And that's why I chose you.

Nikki's just like some dream girl.

I don't know if I can even trust it.

But what we have is real.

It's safe and comfortable.

Give me the rose back.

I'm not safe and comfortable!

Well, not when you go around throwing roses at people like that.

Hey, if Nikki's your dream girl,

go for it.

I care about you, Emily.

I don't want to hurt you.

I've seen what that can do to a woman later in life.

It's not pretty.

Dude, I'm fine.

And hey, I don't want to be with someone

who doesn't think I'm his dream girl.

I'm sorry.

You're being really cool about this.

That's because I'm cool.

And I love that in a girl.

You know, if this thing with Nikki doesn't work out--

And stop talking.

What did you do?

I decided if I'm a cat lover,

I might as well embrace it.

I invited all the neighborhood cats over.

How'd you get 'em all here?

I can't tell you.

Let's just say it involved a lizard and a string.

Okay, I just told you.

I don't know where to start petting.

I've always dreamed this would happen.

If I look outside and there's a unicorn and a rainbow,

I'm gonna freak.

But they're driving me crazy, Chloe.

They're ungrateful, entitled,

and think they're better than everyone.

It's like being with a bunch of sorority girls.

I like Whiskers, but I hate these cats.

I'm more confused than ever, Chloe.

Today in school,

we learned that you have to judge people by who they are.

Not by the color of their skin

or what country they come from.

Oh, so you're saying,

I can like one cat as an individual,

but I don't have to like all cats as a group.

No. I was just telling you what we learned in school.

It had nothing to do with cats.

We also did times tables.

( clattering )

I choose you.

Oh, Tyler, I am so happy.

Why is my rose bent?

That's because Emily kept throwing it at me.

Why did Emily have my rose?

Funny story. I gave it to Emily first--

that's not the funny part.

She made me realize

I should go after my dream girl

and not worry about whether I can trust it.

And you're my dream girl.

Still not funny.

Well, not "laughing" funny so much as

"can you believe I told you all that" funny.

You picked Emily first?

Uh...

Did you hear the part about you're my dream girl?

And you don't know if you can trust it?

Dream girl?

You're such a jerk.

Ow. Thorns again.

Nikki, wait.

I can't believe it.

I had two girls into me and now I have none.

I can't believe in two years you're going to vote.

So what do I do?

Just give me your ballot and I'll take care of it.

No, about Nikki. What do I do about Nikki?

So Nikki's really the one you want?

It's always been Nikki.

How am I going to win her back?

The heart wants what it wants.

But sometimes you don't know what the heart wants.

Wouldn't it be great if the heart could talk?

Then it could tell you what it wants.

I want to go to college!

I keep telling you, you can't leave my body.

You don't want me to be happy.

Oh, Tyler, one other piece of advice

I forgot to give you yesterday.

Make sure the girl that you pick never knows that

there was ever a doubt.

Thanks, Dad.

And watch out for that mailbox

you ran over last week.

( chuckles ) I think it's a little late to be telling me that now.

Exactly!

Whiskers could not have been a more delightful house guest.

And the sweetest thing is how she and Stan became best friends.

Hey, Stan.

Say goodbye to Whiskers before she goes.

Goodbye, dear friend.

We haven't known each other long.

But when two souls connect, then--

( Whiskers screeching )

Yeah, okay, I hate cats.