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You're always thinking about other people and never about my family.

Don't you dare ruin our son's name day...and Grandpa's too.

No, no! I never missed any of your family's celebrations.

Don't worry, everything is under...

Yeah... Control.

You are the cross I have to bear!

Where are you?

I went to donate blood for Minguccio's uncle.

Thank you, Jusuf. Thank you so much. Thank you.

You should've been a social worker.

Listen, don't dare respect the speed limit.

- Where's my picture? - In front of me.

- What does it say? - Drive fast.

Exactly. Step on it!

Are you sure you don't want this?

There's pork in it.

No, it's custard.

Lard is pork.

I also promised Rita I'd go to Castel del Monte and pick her up.

Her car broke down.

When Maria finds out, you're dead!

Nah! Everything is under...

Yeah, control.

My political opponents ask, "Why doesn't Mezzasoma have a party HQ?"

- Go ahead, ask me why. - Why?

Good question!

Because Mezzasoma is Mariotto, he's the people, the square, the café!

And after years in opposition on the council, as you know,

the time has come to grab the town from these fucking reformists!

Bravo Mario!

- These assholes. - Good!

- Excuse my French... - Don't worry.

...but there's no other word for them.

We already have five candidates on our ticket...

Six, you idiot. Six candidates who will support me for mayor.

And we'll hit the jackpot, Officer!

I wish!

I already smell the power. I smell the victory.

All I can smell is the usual bullshit.

Mine is a glorious crusade to climb higher in the polls,

my dear Professor Ferrara.

The polls reported here in the Mariotto Mirror, which you own.

But I have yet to see a real program.

Professor, we don't need a program

when we have candidates like the hairdresser Michele Del Vino.

Michele! Michele! Michele!

Leader of the movement "Esthetics Forever".

Michele! Michele! Michele!

Silence.

Peace and light.

Telephone and gas.

What the fuck are you wearing, Michele? Come on!

Giovanni the sacristan is my witness.

Don Nicola wants me on the cross again this year.

Yes, and he's not the only one.

Come on, guys, please!

I want to confess an intimate secret.

Easy there, we're in the middle of an election campaign.

Everybody knows his secret, Mario.

Come on, guys, please.

I took an acting class to learn the method of American actors.

This year I will make you cry.

That's an improvement, last year you made us vomit.

Go, Michele, go!

"Esthetics Forever"!

Michele! Michele! Michele!

Professor...

Our candidate will play Jesus in the procession,

of course, in a secular state,

so don't take it as a crusade against you Jews.

You obviously flunked all your language and history classes.

By the way, what is your brother-in-law, the priest, doing?

Don Nicola is opening all the windows and doors to the immigrants!

Like the Moroccan who runs the Internet Café

and who was also allowed by someone to marry his daughter...

He has Italian citizenship. He's not a loafer.

And he's not Moroccan, he's Jordanian.

Jordanian, Moroccan... They're all the same.

There he is.

He was about to mow down our Jesus Christ.

That says it all!

Yes, it's a great building.

It's a fusion of Northern European and Middle Eastern elements.

Fredrick II had friends who were Christian, Jewish and...

- Hello, good morning. - Hey, man!

- Where do you think you're going? - I have to pick up Rita.

Pay your ticket first. You think I'm here for fun? Come here.

..And Muslim. Excuse me, please.

Don’t you recognize me? Didn’t you see the van?

Jusuf! What are you doing? Why are you paying the ticket?

Listen, he just came to pick me up.

- I told you, brother. - Brother?

I've never seen you in my life!

Miss, tick the right name on the ballot and you'll get a pension.

- Miss... - Please!

She's a bitter...

Mr. Mayoral Candidate,

I'll put a cross on your name, forever!

Don't move. Stay there, Tonino.

We won't be provoked by the unmentionable!

Where are you going? You want to waste flyers?

- Hello, Christian. - Hey, Ahmed.

Look who he's with. He hangs around the kebab shop.

You want to waste flyers on people like that?

Maria...

Maria...

..more beautiful every time I see you.

You look terrible there.

- They put the posters up wrong. - Here as well.

It's badly Photoshopped. I told him...

He's so cute.

It looks like you made him all by yourself.

He stole your father's face.

Sure. And now I'm gonna rip off his father's.

I'll give you a hand with that. You know your pain is my pain too.

- I'm sorry. - Don't worry.

I wanted to thank you for the ride.

Bye, honey.

Hey.

I'm sorry...

Honey!

Don't forget second-hand things that have been round the world

and haven't found a place are damaged goods!

Don't start again. She's just a friend. I only gave her a lift.

Sure. It starts with a lift and ends with lifting up something else.

Excuse me. Jusuf, I wanted to remind you about tonight.

The meeting with Don Nicola, for the Way of Sorrows.

- Yeah. - See you. Goodbye.

You really want to end up on the cross? I'll hammer the nails in!

Hurry up! We're late.

Eat everything or you'll hurt Mum's feelings.

And ours too, Giuseppe.

Cheers!

- Grandpa, no! - Dad, dad!

Always with a glass in your hand!

God forbid he doesn't eat!

I've been cooking all day. And now it's cold.

He went to donate blood. That's why we're late.

Then drink this red wine and you'll get your strength back.

You're staining my tablecloth!

Mom! The baby's sleeping!

I don't drink alcohol. I'm Mus...ah!

But in church you do drink the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ,

praised be His name, don't you?

Bottoms up!

Again with that glass in your hand!

Giuseppe, drink for me as well since you're allowed to.

And don't forget, wine helps with the schlong!

Come on, drink! Don't make a fuss!

You should have married Mezzasoma.

- Better than this Buddhist. - Muslim.

Same thing. They're all going to hell.

Giuseppe, let me understand something...

Do you circumcise Paolino to your custom?

Hey, what? Do you want to cut off my nephew’s penis tip? He bears my name!

- No, I... - What are you talking about?

About cutting dicks!

About traditions...

Dad!

Jusuf, tell Grandpa

that you're helping Don Nicola with the Way of Sorrows.

Ah, good man.

Then God is with us.

And so is the Virgin Mary!

- Here you are! - No, thanks.

Mom!

You know Jusuf doesn't eat pork.

- What pork? This is wild boar. - It's the same thing!

A boar and a pig are the same thing now?

Don't tell me. I killed that boar.

- Bang, bang, bang! - Hey, don't yell!

- And I cooked it in brandy! - But that's alcohol!

- Come on, drink! - What the fuck!

Apulian Richard Gere!!

Hey, Silence!

Never mind.

Hey, shut up!

We have to start.

I don't see the need for these primaries.

The candidate has already been chosen.

- Who is he? - What's his name?

We want his name!

In Mariotto, Mezzasoma already has six candidates on his ticket!

But he doesn't have a program. Only talk and promises...

- What? - Can you hear me?

I have a program: "In time of crisis, weekends for everybody!"

Thus speaks the American Gigolo of local politics!

The whore of political compromise.

Open your ears, greybeard.

Your wind turbines aren't moving,

but the money's moving in your pockets

and those of your partner-candidate!

I have proof! I've got the proof!

Shut up!

- I've always said it... - Yes?

in time of crisis,

the future of Mariotto lies in composting with earthworms.

Again with these fucking worms!

Get out.

You're a whore, not our leader.

We want a fighter who's not mainstream.

A true left-winger willing to strip down to his underwear

to defend the farmers and the workers!

Silence!

Shut up!

And who would this new messiah be?

You're looking at him, greybeard!

Salam, comrades!

You heard the latest?

Not even Esterino's dog wants to vote for him.

By the way, do you vote?

- Let's hope so! - I wish!

Well, then. When the time comes...

Salam alaykum.

Here comes your brother, the man with the fake smile.

Paolino?

I bet your sister-in-law didn't let him come, as usual.

Hey, Giselle. How did the name day celebration go?

Did you gobble up the wild boar?

Wild boar?

I didn't eat it.

Name day?

- It's a celebration like any other. - We don't celebrate name days.

Watch it, brother, you're becoming too Italian.

Yet Muslims do honor the chosen of Allah.

Christian, hush!

Give him a break. All this fuss for a name day!

You going to cut his hands off because he's working for the priest?

It's just the cables for the Way of Sorrows.

Motivation?

I don't work because Italian law tells me, but because my faith does.

You work for the wine consortium. It's alcohol!

I don't work because Italian law tells me, but because my faith does.

And I take whatever work I can. Motivation!

I also have motivation. Because I work with Don Nicola.

But a line must be drawn! There is only one God.

Yes, but God is love!

We were expecting you an hour ago.

Salam.

Is this with onions?

Ah, onions!

- What's wrong with him? - He's got the method.

Is this the only Jesus Christ they could find round here?

Good evening.

Hey, don't laugh under the Cross.

- I'm not laughing. - You need to convert.

I am converting!

Do you understand? Look at me!

You need to convert now.

Do you understand or not?

Will you stop it?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Don Nicola, this guy needs to convert. Now!

- Go, move along, please. - I'll see you at home!

Jusuf, come. I need your help.

No! Not the fake blood!

Michele, it's not Halloween!

But I need it, it makes me feel real, like the American actors.

- Mel Jibson? - No, Mel Gibson.

By the way, I also need colored lenses.

Please, no colored lenses! No, no and again no!

- Why not? - Let's go, Jusuf, please.

- Joseph, come here. - Yes?

I have a favor to ask...

What happened to your hand?

Nothing. It's fake blood.

Listen, you have to get me a microphone.

I need it for the suffering, you know, for the pain.

OK, I will.

Come here. You also need to pull out the thorns.

Otherwise it'll get stuck to the wig.

Alright, don't worry.

Joseph, come here. You're a good man.

- Thank you. - Very good man.

What are you doing?

- You're a gardener too, now? - Can I not be a gardener?

- It's a job like any other. - Jusuf, we have to go.

Rita, you too.

- Don't exaggerate! - I'm not exaggerating.

No, no...

no, no...Father.

Father...

Father!

Pino.

- You know whose fault this is? - Whose?

That excommunicated priest

for hiring incompetent Moroccans who then burn our flag.

Behold your people, Hol...

No. Nothing.

Testing

- It doesn't work. Hey, Giuseppe! - Yes?

- This mic doesn't work. - Hang on. Let's see.

Hold on...

No battery.

You gave me a microphone with no battery? Unbelievable!

Just a moment. Here you go.

Try now.

Hey! Get your hands off me!

Jusuf, there's not a single light bulb that's working.

Please, help me.

Miss Mafalda, this Way of Sorrows is a real disaster.

Totally.

- Shit! - Bloody hell!

Come on, Jusuf, you must be tired.

Go home. We'll fix this tomorrow.

What is it you say? Inshallah.

And filled with joy, today we...

No! Testing

You smell of kebab.

It's late.

It's your turn.

I won't let you go until you've fixed it.

Listen, why do you always say yes to everyone

but you never spend time with me?

It's late. I need to go.

Ah, finally something that works! Well done, Jusuf.

You see? With a little peace everything gets fixed.

Let's take care of the True Cross and we're done.

No, you're not! Don Nicola, with all due respect.

Giuseppe, you burned the flag and now you fix it.

- Pino! We have the Procession now. - What does that mean?

It means that ubi maior minor cessat.

I don't give a crap, Don Nicola, whether it's major or minor.

You burned the flag! And now you have to fix it!

- I'm waiting for you! - Come, Jusuf.

We'll take care of that later. We need to deal with Mel Jibson now!

Let's go!

No, I don't like it.

I'll wear this one instead.

- Don Nicola's pissed off. - Yeah!

Yes...

Yes...

Yes...

Michele, are you ready?

Yes.

What are those red marks on your face?

- The legionary's slap. - Don't get carried away.

- It's not a melodrama! - It's the Passion.

- You look great. - Really?

Hurry up. People are waiting. Please!

Uncle Nicola, don't worry. It'll be fine.

Hey, Jusu'.

I asked you to pull out the thorns so the wig won't get stuck

and get pulled off.

Come on. Joseph, come here.

- Give me the mic. Put the mic on me. - All right.

I need it for the desperation, the pain, understand?

- What is it? - What are you doing?

- I'm putting on the microphone. - Like that?

Gently. Wait, I'll show you how to put it on.

Merciful Lord, my Master.

I want to imitate you ever more perfectly in my life.

By the way, you're not whipping Jesus anymore.

- Why not? - Last time you hurt him! Badly!

Me? What are you talking about?

What's that beer doing in the sacristy?

Come on, the Procession has begun. Go, legionaries!

Why is the True Cross still here?

You should know better, you've been doing this for the past 20 years!

Let's go!

Come on, help out. Hurry!

You're driving me crazy today!

Because with your Holy Cross you have redeemed the world...

What's going on? Why are they running?

And so, Merciful Lord... Holy Virgin Mary!

What...?

I can't see anymore!

- What's wrong, Michele? - I can't see!

Have you gone crazy?

Michele, you've turned into a madman!

I can't see anymore!

Damn Judas!

Michele!

Michele!

It’s your fault, you wretch! Murderer! I told you to to pull out the thorns.

It's his fault! Murderer!

Call the paramedics, Jusuf.

Calm down.

- Are you drunk? - Everything's under control.

What happened?

Come on, you can see what happened.

One, two, three, pull!

You see?

Michele can't play Jesus anymore!

..In Gethsemane to pray, when he was betrayed by Judas...

- Maria... - Tell me, Michele.

- Don't say anything to anyone this time. - Me?

Say that I broke a leg or that I had a heart attack.

Fine, don't worry.

Easy, Michele, take it easy.

Don Nicola, what happened?

Officer, nobody must know, but I want to report a crime.

By whom?

That guy!

No, we can't.

Uncle, he's the only one. He knows all the Stations.

- He's Muslim. - So what?

Is everything under control?

Poor guy...

Excuse me, Jusuf.

Jusuf, only you can help me. I need this one favor.

He says yes to everybody.

I should know.

He's my husband.

He will play Jesus. And you are his wife.

Why, did Jesus have a wife?

Holy Father, forgive these non-believers

for they know not what they do to me.

I am Jesus!

I have the method of the American actors!

Yes, but turn around, because you also have thorns in your ass.

Hurry!

What are you doing? Turn the True Cross around.

Everything's all right.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

Everything is fine!

But he's a Muslim!

It's the end of the world!

Hey!

Don't run away!

We still have to crucify you!

Hey, Tonino!

It was shitty this year too, eh?

No, actually it was quite touching.

Really?

Since when does Michele the hairdresser make people cry?

It wasn't Michele.

- No? - No.

So who took his place?

Come with me.

I thought it was a matter of open-mindedness.

Your mind is so open that your brain fell out.

Mezzasoma, you're worth nothing!

But if you want the vote of the legionaries,

..you gotta kick those people out! - Right!

Come with me!

Don't worry about it, Jusuf. What's done is done.

- Ameluk! - Here comes Nero.

Hey, Muslim!

Mario, if you have to blame someone, blame me.

This isn't the time for your racist rants.

Oh, yeah?

Well, then, fuck you, fuck Ameluk, the kebabs, the Africans,

the Romanians, the Albanians, the Chinese, the gypsies,

and the homos!

Well done!

Fuck the communists too!

Professor, you wanted to know my program?

Fuck everybody!

No, no, no!

Calm down, brother! After all, for you Muslims,

Jesus didn't die on the cross, but ascended alive into Heaven.

- Christian, cut it out! - Salam to all.

Oh, finally a Messiah who's an Arab and not a blond Swede!

I brought Paolino today.

It's not going to fix things.

I just did a favor to a friend.

To a priest!

I get it. We'd better leave.

Before the pain in the ass shows up!

An Arab who sold out to the Christians.

Without motivation!

I only played a part.

You could have played Pilate.

You're good at washing your hands.

Why is this madman laughing?

I didn't understand shit, but I agree with you.

Come on, guys, so much fuss for a couple of nails!

I worked hard for this place, and I don't want to close it down.

They already give us evil looks!

Great, we welcome the fight. We have rights we're entitled to.

We want space!

Places where we can pray, not like this hole.

Hole?

What the hell are you saying?

What hole? I even have tables and umbrellas outside!

What am I supposed to do?

What? Eh?

You carried the cross.

Ask your new God.

Let's go, Paolino.

I hope you'll have him circumcised.

Salam.

Let's hope it ends here.

Inshallah.

Anyway, the perfect ingredient for a kebab is the Acquaviva onion.

That's it!

IMMIGRANTS STEAL OUR CROSS AS WELL

THE ALBANIAN LANDINGS IN '91

What do the Albanian landings in '91 have to do with this?

Some images have always an effect on the ignorant.

Like you.

Move.

If things go the way I hope, I'll take over the local newspapers

Da Bitonto, La Puglia and Gazzetta del Mezzogiorno.

I'll climb to the top!

- I said, I'll climb to the top! - Right, to the top.

Never mind. Get out of here.

Professor, yours is free.

All others have to pay me 1.50. The situation is serious.

We've been invaded so we need money.

They want to steal our jobs and they also want to steal our women.

Like Maria... whom you always liked but that...

Hey!

I've always respected her from a distance.

And now these people are stealing Jesus Christ from us as well!

Ameluk. What are you going to give your son for Christmas?

An AK-57, combat fatigues and a headband?

Stupid questions don't deserve an answer.

Professor, this isn't the time for your humor.

Hey!

Sorry, sorry.

I have to say though, I never touched your family.

- Really? - No.

But you're touching the Italian flag. Get your hands off the flag!

Couldn't you have called Arcangelo,

who's a good electrician, and from Mariotto?

Mario, these people are cheaper.

You cheapskate! You really are cheap!

I mean, you're the leader of the "Friends of the Calzone" movement,

but you keep behaving like a Jew. My apologies, Professor.

I was only joking. I meant to say loan shark.

Apology not accepted.

Besides knowing nothing about verb conjugations,

you are clueless about synonyms.

These colors you defend so much, what do they symbolize to you?

How about we ask your friends,

these temporary guests who are demanding rights?

Demanding rights!

The flag's working. No charge. It's my contribution to the homeland.

- Salam. - Salam.

Professor, I'll tell you what those colors symbolize.

I ought to know. Tomato, spaghetti and basil.

Which come from America, China and India.

Oh, yeah? Then let's add a kebab, too!

Troglodytes!

Basil...from India?

Professor...

Well, Tonino, did you read my article?

A few verbs in the wrong tense...

Actually, a Muslim Christ is quite a piece of news.

Also at an international level.

Genius!

It's a great piece of news: "Muslim Interprets Role of Christ"!

I'll give the news to the Gazzetta,

they'll pass it to the agencies who will spread it around the world.

And I will split the world in two, like a clam!

What a brilliant idea I've had!

Officer...

Pino, another scratchie.

Good morning, madam, nice day.

Shut up, Moroccan whore.

You're coming home right now!

I'll bring him home, as usual.

I get you! Undue influence on the "uncircumcised"!

Get lost, Ameluk!

No, please, no!

What the hell are you laughing about?

You're no longer Giselle.

You're Ameluk. A-me-luk!

The new Messiah who is coming!

You've driven the xenophobes into the open.

You are the living example of globalism,

married to an Italian Catholic...

who wants to be a model but is clueless about what's going on...

- Arafat, leave my wife alone. - Well said!

Now is the time for us to strike. Come with me to the community center.

- Us who? - Us. Us!

- Give me a break. - Hey! Ameluk!

Ameluk!

He's here.

What happened? The baby!

They called me "Moroccan whore!"... Me!

You shouldn't have married one of those people!

- What do you mean "those people"? - What did you do?

Damn you!

The wedding vase!

I thought you were happy to be Jesus' wife!

Sit down!

Jesus never got married.

For them, Jesus ran away!

My God, what are you saying!

And to think I always sacrificed myself for you,

eating your damn sausages!

Now, I'm really fucking confused!

Is this nulatic...lunatic here Christian or not?

No!

Then he's a Mormon!

- Dad, Dad! - Grandpa!

Grandpa!

You killed him!

Get out!

This is grappa!

Grappa?

It's a miracle!

Hey! Go play somewhere else.

Ameluk!

Can you give me a ride to work?

It's the hand of Fatima. It's a lucky charm.

It's supposed to bring me good luck.

See? We've got one thing in common.

Come on, don't take it so hard. It's only a small-town drama.

- Only? I've become the devil! - They're good people,

but they take a while to understand.

What matters is that you are loved by those around you.

- Your friends, family, your wife... - My wife?

Never mind.

- Yeah, I suppose, Maria... - What have you got against Maria?

Nothing...nothing.

In any case, Maria has nothing to do with this.

I'm in this mess because of you and Don Nicola.

You could have refused to play Jesus, instead of saying yes all the time.

Right. But you all get something out of it when I say yes.

Like you, now. You're getting a ride to work.

All I want to do is help you!

And you're so afraid of saying no

that you don't see when somebody really wants to help you.

Bring her some flowers.

There are some beautiful ones this time of year.

I shouldn't have come.

Don't think about it.

Why don't you come with me?

To continue my Way of Sorrows?

Relax. Look at me.

These things pass.

These things can also last centuries.

Excuse me.

Where have you been?

And who with?

These are for you.

I got them for you.

Come on.

Did you steal them at the cemetery?

Do you know that everyone calls you "Ameluk" now?

And that I've become the wife of a lunatic?

Since you're still a Muslim, defend your wife!

- So what if I'm a Muslim? - Are you a man?

I'm me. It's just a small-town drama.

Oh, yeah? And I'm Madame Butterfly. You must avenge me!

Vengeance? I'm not a violent person!

There, typical Muslim man. Do you want to beat me up?

No, no.

Because you've got no balls!

Get out! Out of my house!

Get out or I'll call the police.

Out!

Get out of my sight, Ameluk!

My wife kicked me out.

I don't know where to sleep tonight.

Uncle Ameluk!

They heard it at school.

Did your sister tell you we didn't have a single Italian client today?

Except the idiot they call Arafat.

How am I going to feed my children?

How?

Didn't I tell you not to marry a Catholic?

Don't tell me she kicked you out and you're moving in,

taking advantage of your sister's kindness!

We'll put him up just for tonight.

No way. No, no. No!

He's not sleeping here.

You're not a man!

Don't talk to my brother like that.

If he wants to stay, I will help him.

Amira, I don't want him here.

I don't want him here. That's final!

Is there anybody there?

- Is here? - Is there anybody there?

Check out his home address.

If we don't find him, we can't do the piece for the evening news.

Yeah, great. What do we do now?

There's a kebab shop over there. Let's go ask.

Did they really have to give us the piece on this Bedouin?

Come on, let's interview some passersby.

- Let's go to the kebab place. - I'm staying here.

Hello?

There's nobody here.

What? You want me to go?

OK.

He told me he comes from the land where Jesus was baptized.

And let's not forget that Jesus was a Jew.

What? Jesus was a Jew? Are you people crazy?

Get out of here!

He would say yes to everybody.

It was a tactic to attract his victims.

"THE WISE KEEP SILENT. THE PHONIES TALK"

He even tried with me.

You're making much ado about nothing.

Easter will come anyway.

What can I say?

A Mormon in my house!

The curse is so strong that I'm still purifying myself.

He blew up the Italian flag with a homemade bomb.

He tried to kill Mr. Mezzasoma with a hammer.

And he's screwing the woman Mezzasoma loves.

Come on, play a card.

I mean, it got really ugly, a rock this big, against the wall.

Look at what that criminal did.

Maybe it's normal in their culture. He was about to kill us all.

He put on clothes that didn't belong to him.

It's this lie that hurt me the most.

In any case, my Jesus would have been more soulful.

- Michele! Hurry up. - Yes, yes.

- I've got stuff to do. - How do you want your hair?

- You decide. - Like last time?

Actually, this event

gives us a chance to rediscover a sense of community.

Puglia has always been a multicultural land.

Yes, but this stuff is boring.

Instead, we've been told you have a little thing for Ameluk.

Tell us, how is he in bed?

You idiot!

"GOD IS DEAD, BUT MARX AND I ARE FEELING GREAT"

In any case, the doors of this church are open to all,

especially the less fortunate. Is that clear?

We reenact the Way of Sorrows

to remember the senseless violence done against our Savior,

so as not to do it again.

Instead, we repeat it all the time.

Look at yourselves,

with your elegant Easter clothes and bloodshot eyes.

And we're showing this to the entire country.

I want to remind you of something Father Tonino Bello said,

"Let's practice the conviviality of differences." Do you understand?

The conviviality of differences.

I've had enough of this sermon!

To you journalists I say,

can you please turn your cameras off?

Come on, let's respect this place at least.

You can't come in here.

Get lost! Go away!

Why? What are you hiding from us?

Film me. I'm not afraid.

Because I have motivation.

We work for your pensions.

Why don't we have citizenship, for us and our children who were born here?

And we also want to vote for the mayor!

A Muslim can't play Christ on the Cross?

Then, remove all crosses from public places where Muslims go, alright?

Film us properly, please,

because I don't want anybody to say that we are racists.

We love diversity.

That's right. We love diversity.

The diversity of this land,

made of stones, olive trees, almond trees...

And calzone.

And calzone, too. What have we become?

The entrance for this horde of immigrants...

Who screw the woman you love.

Alright, I'm fine.

Don't worry.

This horde of immigrants crossed the threshold of our church

because of a fake shepherd.

What the fuck is wrong with you? I've been a shepherd for 40 years.

Pasquale! A shepherd of souls, not sheep.

Souls! The next one who interrupts is dead, OK?

I've always kept the doors of my church open to everybody.

And now we'll close them.

It's unheard of that a priest should help the infidels.

I don't help others because they're Catholics, but because I am Catholic.

Big words! But in the meantime, a Muslim pretends to be Jesus Christ.

- Praised be His name! - Good man, good.

Today you talk of religion, but yesterday you wanted a secular state.

Secular, yes, but keep your hands off our Cross!

A line must be drawn. God is only one!

Yes, he's one.

But he's ours!

But our God is "the one!"

Hey!

If you kick them out, who will pick the almonds and the olives?

Who will plow the land that you polluted with toxic waste?

By the way, I have breaking news for all of you...

..God is dead!

Actually, it was us who invented "the one" God.

No, dear brother-in-law, it was God who invented us.

And look what He's done.

God is dead!

He's dead!

Ma'am, tell us about your tragedy. People want to know the truth.

He stole her smile.

He stole her youth.

But he will never, never steal my grandchild! Never!

- Lord have mercy. - Lord have mercy.

- Christ have mercy. - Christ have mercy.

- Lord, hear us. - Lord, hear us.

Lord...

Jusuf?

Jusuf, answer me.

Jusuf, answer...

Jusuf...

I'm letting you in through the back door.

I don't think anybody saw us.

Tomorrow morning, you have to leave before 7, when Abdul opens.

If he finds out I helped you, he'll kill me.

I've ended up living like an illegal.

Jusuf, be a man!

Comrades. Come on... Jimmy, please! My head!

Comrades.

The time is ripe.

Is everybody here?

Yes, don't worry.

We locked out the mayor and his people.

Great!

Then, we can start.

You forgot the secret passage in the back.

That's why you always get it up the a...

Go on, let our people in.

Comrades, let's show how democratic we are.

Don't they also have the right of expression?

No!

OK, maybe at the end.

But this time no broken bones.

Comrades, the greats, the extraterrestrials are watching us.

Gaetano, did you close all the doors?

Including the one in the back, you moron?

Catch!

Nobody leaves until we've elected our new messiah.

We'll do like the Pope thing.

I mean, we've got the smoke.

I've heard lies about our community.

But the biggest one is about my shop.

Now you come in and check that I'm not hiding illegals in my kitchen.

Please, come in, please.

Listen, man, where's this Ameluk?

Shh! Thieves in my kitchen!

Yeah, it's the rats eating the kebab!

- What are you doing here? - Abdul!

Son of a bitch! Do you want to ruin me?

How did you get in?

The wrestling of the Bedouins!

Stop!

Get out!

Leave my brother alone!

Don't hurt my husband!

Get lost! Go back to your own place, Ameluk!

Give me my clothes, you piece of shit!

Out! Out!

Get out!

You piece of shit!

You bastard!

Let me in!

I know you're peeping!

- Open the door, in the name of God! - Which God do you mean?

Damn it, let me in! It's hell out here!

- Do you people believe in hell? - Fuck you!

Get lost or I'll shove that microphone...

- If he does, I'm filming it all! - Open up, damn it!

Get lost! This is no longer your house.

Go away! You're scaring the baby!

Get in!

Well done!

Well done, Maria... nice and beautiful.

Hurray for all Italian women!

Troglodytes!

Learn to respect women like macho Italian males do.

Mario, no point getting all excited. She won't put out.

Damn you! Damn you!

No!

No! No!

That was my father's!

You damn Buddhist!

Damn you!

Shame on us!

What will people say?

I'm here in the street in my underwear

and you're in my house with our son!

She's not a Moroccan whore.

She's a 100% Italian whore!

Come on Lilli, follow him!

Go fight it out in your own country!

Here I am!

Here I am!

Here's your sacrificial lamb.

Abdul!

This isn't good publicity for you, but is my dignity worth a kebab?

Mustafà!

Mustafà!

People are fighting the revolution in your country,

but what the fuck do you do all day?

You screw my head with your fucking motivations.

The truth is that your head is full of fear and ignorance!

You represent the old!

The new Mayor!

You want to defend your land and your traditions?

What traditions?

Those of the racists and the bigots?

The truth is it suits you when I'm the only person standing here.

Hit me!

Hit me, all of you!

Keep on voting for the incompetent and the corrupt.

They're just like the others! They will never allow a real change.

Learn to use your heads,

instead of believing the bullshit the leader of the day tells you.

Here's our true leader!

It's him!

Hey, shut up! It's him!

He's our leader. Our messiah.

We were about to elect a Pope and instead we found a Messiah.

Mayor! Mayor!

Mayor?

What are you talking about?

No. No! No...

Mayor! Mayor!

You don't fucking get it!

I will never again sacrifice myself for anyone!

Shut up!

Ameluk, I'll carry your cross!

I'll carry it for you.

Mayor! Mayor! Mayor!

Mezzasoma...

...we have our leader.

Fuck you!

Mayor! Mayor!

Like Lenin said, "History, at times, needs a push."

Hey, mind the steps.

These stairs have killed more people than Stalin.

You will be mayor, and I will be your deputy,

I'll do the dirty work for you.

Nice, uh?

When I die this place will put D'Annunzio's Victory Shrine to shame.

Look, the greats of history!

Some greater, some less great.

Before we turn into compost, brother...

..we must do great things, like them.

You and I will conquer Mariotto,

we'll cross into Palombaio, we'll march on Bitonto.

The universe!

- Do you believe in UFOs? - No.

Ah, if only I had a brother like him!

Instead... Lenin...

my dear Lenin.

Father.

Aren't you going to make a proletarian donation?

I have no money!

Man, you're screwed.

I'll let you in on a secret...

but you mustn't tell anyone.

Jesus was a comrade.

Giselle, this is the world I dream of!

What are you doing?

Don't worry, it's an anti-stress therapy that I patented,

hammer and plaster.

- What's that? - What?

Local parsley.

Here. Let off some steam.

No, not for me. I'm against violence.

Not so hard! Don't make the hole any bigger.

You'll bring the whole building down!

Huh! "I'm against violence."

I'm not sure I want to be mayor.

Good man. Good man!

Because we need a load of ideas

against that Nazi Mezzasoma and that fake Apulian Richard Gere.

I'm organizing an election party for you with the cream of the area!

I was ready to form an alliance with the left-wing Catholics,

instead who did I find on my path?

A Muslim Christ.

I'm no Christ.

Don't worry. Nobody's gonna notice.

Ah, smell the onions!

What's this nonsense?

Nonsense?

Son...

..do you not believe in UFOs?

No.

Are you gonna tell me that Jesus, Marx and Cassano the soccer player,

are normal people?

They are beings from other worlds that have come to save humanity!

And...do you think I'm normal?

Motorbikes give me a sense of peace and relaxation.

With the salary you'll give me, I'll buy one.

Salary? We need to win an election before we talk about salaries.

- And judging by how we're doing... - Comrades!

Ameluk, the first ordinary Muslim Christ, Mayor of Italy!

Vote for Ameluk and get him voted.

Hey, Ameluk!

By Ho Chi Minh, I smell victory!

No pork for you, but you'd love some sangria, you crazy bastard!

Wait. Flex your abs.

Mr. Mayor?

Mr. Worthless Outgoing Mayor?

Richard Gere!

Thanks to your policies, the sewage of the whole region is in our square.

- Watch the dog! - What dog?

You have a dog? I didn't realize it was a dog.

What if they win?

Listen to me, let's join forces and I'll let you be my Deputy Mayor.

- Honesty, my friend! - Honesty?

You're the one who put wind turbines that don't work

in fields where the wind doesn't blow.

And you talk of honesty to me?

Tell you what, you blow on them.

- I'm gonna win! - Yeah, right. Get out of here.

Go Hatchi, take care.

Mario, you promised I'd be your Deputy Mayor.

- Really? - Yeah.

You as well?

What a shame. You as well. You as well.

Just because I said that someone else is screwing his woman.

He's such a sore loser!

Listen to your dad. You have to forget that infidel.

Shut up.

Racist.

You have to get back with the Buddhist.

He's probably gonna become mayor.

But I said on TV he beat me!

So what? Everybody talks crap on TV. Why would they remember yours?

Talk all you like, but Mezzasoma is bound to win.

Girl, look at me.

If it doesn't work out with one, it'll work out with the other.

Understand?

Don't forget the Arabic cuisine!

It's mandatory to eat at the kebab shop.

The calzone is outlawed.

Comrades, let's contaminate ourselves!

Let's contaminate ourselves!

For the first time your brother did something sensible.

If I hadn't beaten him up, he wouldn't have been nominated.

Sometimes a little force helps.

Stop! Stop! What are you doing?

First you ask your devious questions and then you edit the answers!

Don't worry, I'll do the talking. I know your program by heart.

I should know it too. And change your name!

For the Palestinians, Arafat was a martyr.

Talking about casting pearls before a swine...

This is my uncle!

Thank you for the blood you donated.

I'll vote for you because you're honest.

Thank you.

- Let's go drink some sangria. - Come on!

Jusuf, I'm sorry it's come to this.

- I didn't think that... - Come to what?

They are strangers, but they're helping me.

Can't you see they want to use you?

Yeah? Are you afraid of a Muslim with a bit of power?

Power is scary no matter who holds it.

Jusuf, you accepted your candidacy out of anger.

Sure! What I shouldn't have accepted is something else...

Screw you!

Your daughter has quite a temper, uh?

Just like my sister, rest her soul.

By offering karaoke and sangria, the stupid Moroccan became popular, eh?

You could do what Achille Lauro did, the guy who ran for mayor of Naples.

He offered the voters one shoe before the election

and the other after the victory...

It's an idea.

Your idea.

- No... Yours... - Did he become mayor in the end?

Who, Lauro?

No, your sister. Yes, Achille Lauro!

- The guy whose boat was hijacked by terrorists. - Yes.

Idea!

Yours...

I'll organize a press conference

and discredit him in front of everyone

by saying he has a brother who is a terrorist.

But that's not true.

Does he have a brother back in his own country?

Yes.

Then, he's a terrorist.

I miss you.

- Where's Paolino? - With my mom.

- He was asking for you. - He's not talking yet!

Yeah, but I understand your son.

Like I understand you.

But let's talk about us.

Let's.

You kicked me out. You disgraced me on TV.

The journalists forced me, for their ratings.

You don't think I did it because my mother told me to?

I'm a victim as well.

Come on, Jusuf, come.

If you come back home, I'll eat your sausage.

- You mean the wild boar? - That as well.

But you have to do something for me.

You have to win the election.

Come here. Come on.

That's enough!

You became impotent running after her?

You see what happens when you go after damaged goods?

You wanted a church wedding the Italian way.

I'll give you a divorce the Muslim way...

I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you.

Fuck you!

Mezzasoma is a real man, elegant, refined,

he knows how to treat a woman.

I want to see how you do against him.

You've got no balls!

My jacket.

Welcome to Split-Screen.

Here with us are Mariotto's two main mayoral candidates.

Let's start with the first question, for Mr. Mezzasoma.

Some people say your campaign has degenerated into mere racism.

Lies.

The degenerates are others, those who try to steal our traditions.

Your traditions have only caused me problems.

Would you like to abolish them?

This is an attack on the foundations of our society.

How can we defend ourselves

when our faith teaches us to turn the other cheek?

So far, I'm the only one who got slapped.

Thank God!

These people come to our country and want to do things their way!

No way. You are guests. Temporary guests.

Even my son who was born here?

You want me to spout the usual "I condemn violence"?

I understand where that anger comes from!

Did you hear him?

This man here has a brother back home who's a terrorist!

- That's not true! You're a liar! - It is true.

This man here in his own country,

him and all his fellow countrymen, they're terrorists!

You idiot!

They got what they wanted. Now to everybody he's violent!

Please, turn off the TV.

Fellow citizens...

voters...

no more turning the other cheek.

Mezzasoma, don't worry. We're ready. We've sharpened our hatchets.

Just burp and we'll attack!

And like Mao Zedong, bless his soul, once said,

"The revolution is not a tea party!"

Out, out!

Now I'm gonna be the one paying for this! That moron!

He did good!

Dad, shut up, please!

Do I have to take him with a broken nose?

Hey! If he becomes mayor, you'll make the sacrifice.

Mario Mezzasoma, mayoral candidate...

We've been here for three hours. When's it my turn?

You're a code yellow. You have to wait.

- That gypsy got seen before me. - His leg was in shreds.

In shreds! I bet he was out robbing an apartment.

If you're Italian, you have to get shot to be hospitalized right away.

That Ameluk is a reverse Ali Agca

who first shot the Pope and then said he was Jesus.

Ameluk, first he says he's Jesus and then...

And then he shoots you.

That way you'll be seen sooner.

Asshole!

If he shoots me, who's gonna give you a job?

Ameluk? His private secretary!

This is Italian blood.

Our blood!

And blood is avenged with blood.

Holy Mary, I just got an idea! What an idea!

Another one of yours...

"GET OUT OF OUR LAND"

Get out!

Jusuf! Are you alright? What's gotten into you?

No lectures! Your husband's are more than enough.

You're not daring to say he's wrong?

My father said that all you Muslims are violent, so I punched him!

Look at what you did.

Who sent you, your husband? You go to hell as well!

- Christian, Minguccio, go home! - No, I don't want to.

Police!

We have to search for illegal firearms.

- There must be some mistake. - No mistake.

Gianni, start searching.

Hey!

Stop! Stop!

Stop!

I knew he was a terrorist.

Mom! What are you saying?

Ma'am, we only received an anonymous call

about illegal firearms in the Internet Café.

But nothing was found. He's not a terrorist.

Are you kidding? He even cast voodoo spells on the baby!

Mom!

Justice is always slow in this fucking country, isn't it, Officer?

- My license is in order. - Yeah.

- What if he wants to kill her? - Mother of God!

That's what they do!

I want bodyguards for the whole family!

Bodyguards?

Ma'am, we barely have money for gas. Bodyguards!

I buy scratchies to try and make ends meet.

Anyway, where can I find him?

At the house of the Antichrist!

Officer.

I swear on Baby Jesus, he never set foot in here.

Come in. Check, if you don't believe me.

I'd better not, or I'd have to arrest you for your aromatic plants.

- It's just parsley, Officer. - Yeah, Jamaican.

No, local.

And to think that I turned him into the Malcolm X of Puglia.

As well?

Here you go, Officer.

Kebab with plenty of onions, the way you like it.

But now you come back here

and see that I'm not hiding that asshole of my brother-in-law.

Come, Officer!

Officer, what will you do to my brother?

Who cares!

We have nothing to do with him now, Officer.

We don't want any trouble.

Come, come.

Well, Officer?

A beer, please.

That idiot finally listened to me. He found his true motivation.

Well, Mezzasoma?

What can I say!

Here you go, Officer.

A wonderful calzone with onions.

- Onions here as well? - It's tasty.

Courtesy of the future mayor.

You're a true cheapskate!

Anyway, I'm appalled at what happened.

Debates and disputes, as long as they're civil,

are the salt and pepper of democracy.

But we're now talking about illegal possession of weapons, terrorism...

Come on, Officer, he can't run for office! He can't.

- But something doesn't quite add up. -Yeah?

All this chaos started because of an anonymous phone call.

So I'm asking, does anybody here want to come clean with a statement?

A statement?

- I...

- Pino, do you think it was me? - No.

Michele, Officer, you all think it was me?

You all think it was me?

Me, who spilled blood for Mariotto?

Me, who will bring gas and the internet to your homes, if elected.

The internet, can you imagine?

Officer... Pino...

Me, who considered this rat hole of a café my home and office?

That's true.

No, my friends, no, Officer.

I didn't expect this even from pieces of shit like you.

With all due respect, Officer.

I really needed a digestive.

After all those onions.

Did you actually think that I would be hiding him in my home?

- Come on, Officer! - You're right.

Those people are especially hostile towards you...

- Towards you... - Well?

Alright...

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Weird, uh?

A Muslim who played Christ,

accused of terrorism by a self-styled Catholic,

his opponent in the mayoral elections, asks a Jew for refuge.

What a country!

I need a car.

I have to see Rita. You know where she is?

Yes...

She's in Bitonto for a tour of the cathedral.

My wife and I eloped by bike.

Go.

History's repeating itself.

This is a baptismal font dating back to the 11th century,

carved out of a single block of stone that has one peculiarity.

Listen.

- Follow me. - Please go with Emanuele.

Thank you.

They are looking for me, but I didn't do anything.

I believe you.

These people use culture and religion like weapons.

I know all about these things.

It's the first time I've ever set foot in a church.

I feel like I'm in a mosque.

This church was built by Arabs.

What are you going to do now?

Motivation!

Professor...

did he steal your car, or what?

God has raised this Jesus to life, and we are all witnesses.

Raised to the right hand of God,

and after he received from the Father the promised Holy Spirit, he...

No, not again!

Hey! What's happening?

Ameluk's come back.

What's this? The conversion of Ameluk? Damn it.

He's gonna force me to set foot in a church. Shit! Fucking Judas!

Is he a "karaoke?"

It's "kamikaze".

But he couldn't even hurt a fly!

I bet he's gonna convert right now, I tell you, Dad.

He may be a Mormon, but I always liked him.

Hey, Pino!

Pinuccio!

Cheapskate!

Tonino, call the police.

Not everything has a price.

Not everything has a price. No more credit. It's finished!

Gone! It's finished! Finished!

See you!

Bye!

Sissy!

Loser!

Hey, Pasquale! Michele!

Where are you all going?

Fucking Italian rednecks!

Losers!

This is the Mafia!

Well done! Don't come back begging "Give me a job. Mezzasoma, help me!"

Did you know that Muslims can enter a church and pray there

if they have no alternative?

I know.

Officer, you can arrest me whenever you want.

Don't worry. Do what you have to do. On you go.

If he starts talking about peace, it's the end of the revolution.

- The end! - Worm, go back underground.

It's time for a new alliance.

Shut up or I'll break your face!

You as well!

Silence!

Salam alaykum.

I'm leaving.

I'm going.

I'm going back to my own country.

But on one condition...

..that one of you will be willing to tell my son, when he grows up,

...the reason why his father had to leave.

I'll tell him why...!

Who are you?

- Don't touch me! - Take it easy.

- I want a doctor. - I am the doctor.

I want an Italian doctor, alright?

- Jerk! - Well said.

What are you doing there, Father? A priest in hospital is bad luck.

Don't worry. Your time hasn't come yet.

Pino!

Hi, Mario. They gave you 30 stitches.

30 stitches.

- What did they remove, Pino? - No, no...

This is the calzone I made for you.

You idiot!

The calzone he made for you!

I got 30 stitches.

How many years prison did they give that Moroccan Gandhi of yours?

Jordanian. They didn't give him any.

But we'll see what they'll do to whoever made that anonymous call.

I told them everything.

- Take it easy. - I quit.

Even if you never gave me a job, asshole.

Son of a bitch! You and that Moroccan bled me dry!

On the contrary.

Strangely enough, you have the same very rare blood type as...

You understand, right?

You're now half-blood, half Mameluke!

No, I beg you!

Purify my blood! I beg you! Purify my blood!

And there's another surprise.

I want a transfusion!

Your brother is here, look.

I don't have a brother! I'm an only child.

Don't come any closer, you fucking communist!

- Look what I brought you. - Fucking communist!

Gimme a kiss.

Can't you see?

I washed my hair. I took a shower.

Morphine!

One more kiss. One more kiss.

- No! - Yeah!

I need morphine!

Thank you!

Hey, don't touch it.

Giovanni!

Get out.

Please, get out.

No, don't put it in... don't touch it!

It's not mine. The car's not mine! We just confiscated it.

I have to take it to the impound lot. I have to put my own gas in it.

Giovanni...Giovanni...

I didn't win it.

I've never won anything.

Partner. What about the computers for your ex-boss?

- I got him energy-efficient ones. - Well done.

Energy-deficient, more like it.

You people really think Mezzasoma is going to pay you?

He's not a bad man. He's just misunderstood.

Listen, Jusuf, Jisef, whatever your name is!

Regarding the composting with earthworms,

will you people on the City Council help us or not?

Don't worry, I'll propose it at the next meeting.

You better, or I'm going to release all the worms and start a wind farm.

I'll propose it. I'll propose it.

You heard that, Minguccio? He'll propose it, he'll propose it.

Let's hope so!

- Good evening. - Good evening.

Where's Paolino?

With Mom because he was crying.

I brought you the baby bag with a change of clothes, diapers,

food and baby bottle.

Thank you.

Remember his jacket when he goes out or he'll catch a cold.

Don't worry.

Oh, and don't forget to change his diaper.

I've never forgotten that.

Yes, but you always forget to put cream on his butt.

And buy noodles and vegetable broth. Organic, please.

- Don't worry, it's all under... - Yeah, right, control!

OK, and be on time. Don't come 20 minutes late, as usual.

- Goodbye. - Bye.

Hello.

Hi, Amida.

Where's Paolino?

With Maria's mother. I'll pick him up later.

Abdul made him some Algerian makruts.

I'll give them to him. Maybe I'll eat one myself.

- He made them for you too. - Thank you.

- Bye! - Bye!

Good night.

How about we all go to the Way of Sorrows?

Michele really wants you to go, you know that.

- Tonight? - Yeah.

All the chief priests and elders of the people...

..took counsel against Jesus

to put him to death.

And when they had bound him,

they led him away, and delivered him to Pontius Pilate...

Last year's events really changed him.

This year he hasn't complained about anything.

..And when he had Jesus scourged, he delivered him to be crucified.

Oh, Lord, oh, my Master,

lead me to the road of truth...

Smile. Smile at your future husband.

..Take me by the hand.

Take me to Gethsemane and let me find eternal peace...

Oh, Lord, oh, my Master,

lead me to the road of truth.

Take me by the hand.

Take me to Gethsemane and let me find eternal life.

Mother of God, pray for us sinners... and lead us not into...

Oh, no! You cannot be serious!

Here! Find someone else! Please!

Enough.

Enough. Enough.

Enough.

Enough! Enough! Enough!

Nobody should ever be crucified again!

Last year a Mormon!

This year a ho...

Granpa!

Forgive me...